Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I pray Lord that in time you will heal me. And make me realized the positive. Help me Lord to forgive him and myself. Right now my Lord I don’t seem to be getting anything. There is a part of me that still holding on. I have so many question my Lord. So many. I felt that I lost myself. I felt that I gave more than I should. I lost myself to him. I did. I lost myself to him. It hurts my Lord. It truly hurts. It hurts that I felt tricked, deceived. It hurts that I didn’t catch on. It hurts that I didn’t stood up for myself more. It hurts that what he did to me, I simply stood still most of the time and didn’t fight back. It hurts that I didn’t do anything. I have a strong dislike that is close to a hatred towards him. It’s pitiful. I lost some of my confidence too. I couldn’t understand. I didn’t fight back. I wish to hurt him, but I know I probably wouldn’t because if I were to hurt him, it would also hurt me. I don’t understand how could someone be so cruel, deceitful, manipulative, and awful. Right now, there isn’t anything positive as much I have to say. I hold grudges.

Dear God,

Is it a good idea to talk to him? Is it a good idea to be honest with him? Is it a good idea to see him again? Is it a good idea hope for answers from someone like him? I don’t want to hate him. But what he did to me I want to hear him say he was wrong to do such thing to me. That he was wrong to manipulate me. For saying hurtful things. To explicitly compare his ex and I, whom I don’t care. Jesus, there is so many thing that I strongly dislike him for. Strongly. I want to be able to move pass it and I don’t think I can move past it when my feeling towards him is awfully negative. I want a replay. I want him to hurt as much and more as he hurts me. I don’t want to think like this Lord. This is not what your intention for me to have. My heart hurts so much. I can’t forgive him right now. My heart hurts. I don’t want my heart to hurt. How do I forgive him my Lord. How can I forgive Chad. For the things he said, for his anger and frustration, for his baggage. Reveal to me oh Lord.

Jesus, I also have my own share of fault. For I expected many things from him.

Somehow Lord, I am praying that Chad would ask you to change him. That you would heal his heart and allow himself to see his many shortcomings, sins. I prayed that I would also be able to see my shortcomings and be discontent with them that I ask you to change. There is a small part of me that wanted to fix us. If this were your plan, Jesus. I ask that show bring him back to me. I ask that somehow we could remain friend. If you see that this is good for both of us, Jesus I ask that Chad would come back to me. I wanted to make things better and I hope we are on the same page. I hope that if we were to part that both of us would part happily and be strong in you. I know that I doesn’t like and probably will not like him 100% but that I would like him because of you. My heart hurts because I do not like parting in such pain. Lord, is it a good idea to meet him. Or should I simply let this be the past and try to heal on my own. Perhaps it’s your plan to keep this person away from me. I have a feeling that you wanted to be so. I will trust you.

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Again

It has been quite sometime now that I woken up thinking about him. I miss it. The physical. We didn’t have that much emotional connection which honestly would make the relationship better. It’s a shame. There is part of me that I wanted to fix it. Why though. Why. Why exactly I don’t know. There is a question of whether I am simply not clever to go back. Or I haven’t really ask someone to come back into my life. Last time was when I tried to compromise. When I tried to convince. I had a feeling that he didn’t really care. What about me, did I care enough? Maybe not either. Perhaps we were both infatuated. Perhaps I did care for him. Perhaps I love him? Or maybe not. I don’t know. There is a part of me that wanted to start over. Why. Why go back to the pain. He didn’t really come back. What should I do. My sister didn’t like him. Honestly he seemed like someone who I may not even liked. What do I even like about him. Sometimes he is considered. He hugged me. He took me to places. He can sometimes did things he didn’t really want to. Is it a good idea for me to ask him all these questions.

What to do

What to doooo…. when you miss a bad person. It takes a while, I am no longer as sad or in anguished, but I do want to talk to him 😦 it’s absolutely annoying. Absolutely annoying. There is are so many other people in the world. It’s possible to meet other people that are more compatible, caring, gentle, and loving. He is ink you one guy you happened to meet for a reason that’s it. Nothing more. Someone who doesn’t care that much or someone who you didn’t care that much. I think I do care for him, but I can’t give my love to him because I knew it would be destroyed into pieces. I just couldn’t fully loved him. I miss him though. I want to talk. I want to end things in good terms, but it seems like there is so many harshness unbearable to be fixed. There is no point in turning back. There is not. I have to move forward. I must keep going. I must let go. I must think positive. I must be happy. I must learn to cope with loneliness at times. There is something isn’t right about that relationship. What I feared in the beginning turned into reality. I feared change (for the worse). No matter how much anyone said. It happened. It did. That change. It happened. Now I must be able to accept that I’m alone, single, not in relationship and that there is no other option but to move forward and looking forward. You have an unclear dreams and goals. This guy you were dating were not supportive of your dreams and goals. He was simply running along for the ride. He was not willing to fully discuss the future. I miss him though. I wish perhaps we could talk. But at the same time, there is no point right, to talk. I guess we could. But I am scared–of disappointment. I’m scare of being hurt–getting hurt. I did like him. But it just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t.

Life goes on. It always does.

Omg

Talking to my friend helps a lot. I don’t know why but it did. It’s funny, but it did. Don’t settle for less, Cammmm. Don’t settle for less. Don’t. But if what I think he is not that bad. Well, don’t think like that because just don’t. Keep thinking about the bad things he did to you. The last thing you want is literally distraction. You have to be strong in the Lord. Strong. Strong. Shower and go to bed because tomorrow you’ll have a long day. A day that requires your energy

Emotion

Emotion is running. Stomach twitching and spinning. I look for true love. I do. Isn’t it crazy. I’m not going to act rashly. In this tiring, I’m going to wait. Whatever I’m waiting on. I’m going to wait. One guy can’t complete me. I truly wish I could be looked at that way. That someone can look at me that way. Someone steady, dependable, and comforting. Someone not angry, easily upset, and unstable. I’m going to wait my Lord. You know all things–my flaws, lack of, imperfections. That person has them too, but somehow it will compliments mine. Perhaps I’ve not been at that stage, of being vulnerable with someone. Perhaps it has to be unlocked. I can’t choose to be vulnerable. The other person simply has unlocked it? That sense of peace. I yearned for it. I want someone who will bring me closer to you as well. You know that perfect timing. Help me with my dreams and goals, oh God. Broke my selfish heart, coldness, passive aggressive, self center ness, me ideology, and over sensitivity. I prayed Lord. I need you Lord. My life is a chaos from my own hands. It’s a mess. A broken, weary, painful mess. It’s burdensome. It’s selfish. It’s confusing. I’m scare of the future. My goals, dreams, and relationships. I am scare of my disappointments. That’s because I’m trying to take it in my own hands. I didn’t realized I made myself God. I try to take matter in my own hands instead of trusting you, relying on the one True God. No wonder, I created a mess. No wonder I experienced disappointment times and times again. I look a safe place, an everlasting joy in relationship. The one that is centered on you. I expected many things that resulted in dissatisfactions. No wonder my stomach felt queasy. I kept listening to others while ignoring your voice. I kept taking advice from other when I only to listen and be stilled. Jesus, please forgive for the mess I’ve created. I repented and I don’t want to take matter in my own hand, but to lay them at your feet. My dreams, goals, relationships, and people I give them all to you at your feet. I need you, Jesus. My heart long for your goodness. Help me to wake up with strength in order to go to church tomorrow. I don’t wan to look for anybody, Lord. I only want to look at you. I want to trust you. Please help me stay on task–to follow my Shepard. I’m weak, but you’re strong. I was lost and you found me.

Woken up

I woke up thinking about him again. Yesterday was fine and I was distracted because I woke up getting on my phone. Honestly, I wonder how long this is going to last. I shouldn’t pay attention to it because it like when you’re at school or waiting and if you kept looking at the time, it would just appeared slower. It’s sad in my heart. I wonder why I think what we think. It should be extremely logical to simply decided to be done with someone and you can just be happy. This is interesting. I want to meet him but not him. I want to know the real him, but I don’t think I will be happy with the result. It seems like there is not much I can do. It is sadden. Why do I like something that is so not great, unstable. Why do I want something is I idealized about to be better. It’s absolutely stupid, because it doesn’t work like that. People are NOT going to change overnight on their own. They’re not. He’s a coward and has no gut. It’s sad how the only thing that he’s good at he uses it–compromise. He actually mean aka manipulation. It’s sad that I discovered it late until the 4 months. It is absolutely sad. But at least I’m out of it. “Now that you’re free, run.” God has someone better for me. He is preparing me to be ready too. He has the perfect timing.

I wonder

I wonder why I wanted to go back to the pain. It is absolutely fascinating and weird. I want to fix thing. The fact that I say I can’t is limiting. I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back. I feel like something is missing. I have a feeling of pain in my stomach. It’s hard to describe. It’s this aching feeling that makes me not wanting to do anything. That makes me feel tired. If I could write to him. I had say:

Why did you manipulate? Why did you do that? Are you trying to fill the void of your ex? And you simply used me? It’s ok if you’re honest with me. I want you to be honest. I asked that me be honest. I don’t know if I can say I love you because right now I may confused loving and longing. I am not sure what I’m missing. I don’t know if I miss you (I don’t think I miss you) or I miss the idea of you. I miss your smell. I miss our cuddling. I miss it a lot. I don’t miss you telling, manipulating, deceiving, and your harsh words. You’re such a mean person. How could you be this mean. You were never really sincere. You were never. And it hurts me. You were nice because you wanted something else. I feel foolish. I feel used. I feel pain. People can say that after breakup, all this emotional is rather normal. I feel it. I feel it. I feel it. The pain. Loneliness. Sadness. Resentment. Madness. I feel like you just took me for granted. I don’t want to go back to you. You cause me a lot of pain. You are a harsh creature. Manipulator. Abuser. Lier.

I don’t want to think badly of you, but I do. I wanted to blame myself. But I picked up a bad fruit.

I hope, soon, this pain will pass. I hope to regain myself back. I made myself weak. My heart is tiring and that’s scary.

It made me think that guys are untrusted. I sort of trusted you, but at the same time I don’t. There was something off about you. That I can’t fully trusted. There were many unanswered concerns and so on. I want to ask you, but at the same time, I don’t think it’ll make anything better.

I am quite positive that you gone back to talk to your ex. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.