9/11

It was during my thanksgiving break was when I get to spend time with my families and we spend time by cooking, eating, and talking to them. I am not sure how conversation unfold, but my uncle, my sister, and I eventually got to a political discussion, on what is happening today in America. I have asked myself why U.S. goes to wars with the Middle East and Vietnam, which I believe many has to with profits and root cause of why people goes to war has a lot to do with money and power. Whenever, my sister and I fight, it has to do with resources, in which I did not want to share and want all of it myself, since I believe it is mine that’s why we argue and even fight. Sometimes, I simply did not like her and think negatively of her, which in reality I am only interpreting from only my point of view and only seeing things from my perspective, which can be faulty and not correct.

I had like to compare the way my sister and I fought to why U.S. decided to enter wars with the Middle East and Vietnam. I struggled finding a topic I am interested in writing. This topic is probably the closest to what I found to be interesting and mysterious. Is the reason why U.S. go to war truly pure in intention or is it for personal gain, for power, perhaps all, perhaps one reason more than the other, but was using the more ideal reason to gain public approval and support to enter the war. There were many question more than answers and I had like to do research in hoping to get closer to the truth of why America goes to war because I believe there are pattern in why we go to war in the first place.

I believe sometimes, going to war are one of the ways, in which to resolve certain situation. I believe war for freedom and equality seems justifiable; however, a war can also be about control and greed, a money war or a political war. Looking back if I decided to share resources with my sister and treated her as I want to be treated, then we wouldn’t have argue or fight in the first place. Sometimes, however, both side do not want to negotiate to reach a common ground, therefore, the problems and grudges remains, such as what’s happening in the Arab and Palestinian War or the Korean War.

United States, compare to other older civilizations like the Persian, Ancient Greek, Chinese, Mayan, Egyptian, and etc., is a relatively new country, being only 242 years old according to the WorldAtlas. The U.S., however, began to emerged its resources during the industrial revolution, many were being modeled after Great Britain. Hands-labor were being replace by machines for faster and mass production, which in turns increase productivities, resources, and eventually the standards of living for many Americans at the time. After the industrial revolution, America was getting rich at that point (U.S. History) and money is power. Now that America have the resources, it means that we can do more things and achieve a lot more than we could before. Now, we can actually mass produced weapons, tanks, machine guns, bombs, grenades, and destructive chemical weapons. We might want to sometimes test their effect in an actual war and making profit of off the war that is going on, which is why U.S. began to emerged as a super power after World War I and II, because we were not directly involved with the war, except bombing Nagasaki and Hiroshima, which is a different style of war compare to how Hitler decided to march to Russia, we on the other hands used planes to attack.  Europe at that point experienced a lot of damaged after the war while America, luckily being far enough from the chaos, did not greatly suffered the post-war damaged, but emerged as the super power (economically) it strongly pride–America was rich and prosperous.

To ask why U.S. decides to go to war is a broad question that has more than one easy answer. However, in this paper, I argue that all the war we entered has to do with money. In a sense, America view itself as the top country that other less developed countries should model itself after ours system because we believe we are the best and we pride ourselves in that. Most countries nowadays that one travel to may be surprised to see how many Starbucks, Exxon Mobile, KFC, Seven-Eleven, Subway, Duncan Donuts, and McDonald’s is at the corner of the streets. Western, more specially America’s business grew in these countries as some may refer it to was neocolonialism, in which we appeal and let other perceive us as ideal to gain their acceptance through other means than colonialism or imperialism. According to the U.S. News, despite some anti-immigrantion sentiments from our culture today, the U.S. is the country that accepts the most immigrants, with Germany placed in second, and United Kingdom coming in third. People who lives in other countries still view America as the land for opportunity and generally still perceive this country to be one of the best place to reside. The more America became allied with the rest of the world, the more we can do business with them, the more we make money and spread our influence.

The Middle East seems to not be cooperating with us economically, therefore, my assumption is that we will try to find reasons to get involve with them, which is why we are in war with them currently. Asia, Europe, and Africa seems fine with us, however, the Middle East seems like the odd balls. We can also perceived this in the way people dress. Most Asians, European, and African no longer dress in their traditional attire for their everyday look, however, they dress according to the American and European fashion influence. However, they will still dress in their traditional attire for a special occasion such as wedding ceremonies and national holidays. The Middle Eastern, on the other hand, I still sees the way they dress mostly to their ethnic background and not so much with Western influences, which is intriguing.

It is a daunting task to review the timeline regarding the U.S. involvement with the Middle East. Since Mohammad Mossadeq, the newly elected became the prime minister of Iran after Ali Razamara death due to shot gun, Mossadeq’s plan to nationalize oil industry in Iran, preventing foreign intervention from Britain from controlling Iranian economy. Mossadeq became the Man of the Year from Time Magazine in 1951. In 1953, Churchill appeals to Eisenhower to overthrown Mossadeq, “worrying that Mossadeq’s nationalist aspirations will lead to an eventual communist takeover.”

The U.S. seems to use communist take-over as the reason to engagement in many of the wars. It perhaps seem that all the wars we engaged in was an indirect war against the Soviet Union, which seems questionable. Sometimes, I wonder are they really enemy of each other as to black and white.

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Hi

I don’t really know what I’m doing writing this out. I feel betrayed. I feel that I can’t trust her. I feel like things aren’t the way that I thought they were. Like JP said, we are most comfortable when things are in order. When things are the way we expect them to be, for good or bad. But when things suddenly change and we realize in one moment that the things that we took for fact are in fact not true, then we question everything we “knew”. The introduction of chaos into our order. I’ve dealt with these problems for a long time. I can’t trust people. I don’t trust people because everyone lies. I don’t trust other guys, they have there agendas, I have mine. I hate being angry. I hate feeling like I want to beat somebody. Why do I hate people as much as I do? I don’t hate people. I hate those that don’t hold certain values that I do. I wanted to kill the guy she was texting. I felt betrayed by her. There’s no better way to say it. Now I want to trust her, but it’s difficult. I don’t know if her mistake was made out of ignorance or malicious intent. Only time can answer that question truthfully. In the future what am I going to do? I’m scared of being hurt again. I don’t know to deal with this kind of thing. I run away in my head but I can never escape it. I have to face it and face my insecurities. The things that I have that won’t ever go away. I think everyone and everything is against me. Maybe it is true? I was pissed off at what I saw. I like her too much to hold something like this against her too much. But this certainly damaged my trust. Is she taking this as seriously as I am? No. Will she? I don’t know. I wonder if she knows what it’s like to feel that way. The way I feel when I read stuff like I did. I’m more disappointed than angry. What else is there to say? I just have to wait to see if things get better. See if she understood what I said and want to change, or not. I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again like I did before. I don’t know if I can live through it.  So in that sense, I guess I’m really having to trust her with so much more. Even if I don’t know if I can trust her. Guys like him need to just off themselves. Yea it’s dark and harsh. So is the world. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Maybe I’m wrong and twisted. But I’m not a bad person at heart. When it comes down to the things that separate the honest people from the scum of the earth, I’d like to think that I’d prove myself. I’d never do what he did. Not even close. I really hope he falls into a deep depression like I did. I want him to feel just a fraction of the pain I did. To not want to get up in the morning. Have everything lose its value, even himself. How bad did he want her? Probably pretty bad based off of what I saw but he is a manipulative, terrible person. Why does this stuff seem so obvious and straight forward to me? But no one else can seem to understand? Like it’s some really complicated topic that requires a lot of thought. Maybe God is punishing me for something. This will probably happen again. So how will I deal with it then? I’m worried to know. I care for her more than I probably should but I can’t help it. You can’t chose how you feel about people. It’s weird but this kind of situation makes me appreciate all of the good guys I’ve met in my life. The few. The world needs more people like them but no. More terrible people with no values or sense of right or wrong. Just what they want. Ignorant sub-human garbage that has no respect for anything. These people that talk like that are the ones that stab you in the back the second they get the chance. The worst type of people in the world. And yes, I mean the worst out of everyone. I just hope she doesn’t like me less. I only get as mad and disappointed as I do because I care so much. I pray that she doesn’t betray me in this way again. It will be ugly and I don’t want to experience that myself. Please God, don’t do that to me. I also saw what she really thinks of me in those texts. I’m just another guy. But one that doesn’t share her same definition of “dating”. Some terrible justification to not be faithful or just ignorance. It doesn’t matter which one. Do I really mean so little to her that she would be willing to just throw it away to have something with some piece of trash like that guy? What am I missing? What’s so wrong with me? Hopefully her opinion of me will change in time because I can see it’s not very good. I’m scared. Please God not again. You know what it did to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do I even begin this, the honest truth is I didn’t want to expect a lot out of anything. I am not as serious because it is pretty early, only time will tell. I am scare that I won’t be able to love or to love fully and stupidly. It is scary. I am selfish, but what I did wasn’t meant to hurt him. It wasn’t intended to be that way at all. I just like to talk and “flirt”, even if I don’t think it is flirting. Anyhow, everything for me takes time. People come and goes. Who knows what the future holds. No one, only God knows. God knows my heart. There is that part in me that still like to play around; for fun. But to be honest, when I am more serious with someone, I don’t play around with them. I don’t flirt with them. I hold back a little or preserve them. Those who I talk to a lot are those that I knew that I wasn’t serious to begin with. Don’t worry that I will like them because I already made the decision early on. I know who I am interested in. I don’t just get with any guy, oh no, not at all. I have values. It might contradict your view, but texting doesn’t require any effort. Meeting the person does, spending time with the person does, talking and getting to know them does. You’re not just another guy. I hope you’re not just another guy. You shouldn’t feel angry or worry (but I want to make you disappointed or not trust especially in the beginning stage where things are not as establish in the grey area and where uncertain flows) because it is fun and I don’t want anyone to feel bad. Just knows that it is really no big deal. I can’t tell you how to feel. Never settle and I don’t ask you to trust me, trust in God, don’t trust in me. People will fail you, but He never fails. I pray that our relationship will be center on God that if this is meant to be that he will revel and strengthen and bless this relationship for His glory, but if it’s not that he will revel it early on, so that both of us will be able to learn and move on. So far, I want this relationship to be beautiful and nourishing; for it to be a place where I will be reminded of God’s pre-gift. Chad, I am thankful for you and the way you are. You are a kind introverted person. You’re interesting. Sometimes you’re like a child and sometimes you’re a oldie from having back pain. You’re melo. You are a person outside my family who I am comfortable being around with. Another reason why,  it is hard to not as natural for me to introduce you as my boyfriend is because I don’t know what is going to happened. I don’t know how long I will be your girlfriend for. I don’t know and not sure about labeling because I don’t want to tell people you’re my boyfriend and the next thing is you’re not. I had rather wait for at least 3 – 6 months to fully say for certainly that Chad is someone I am confident to call my boyfriend, even though calling him a boyfriend would be an understatement.

Regarding the problem that we had–your ex and my like to have fun, I think it’s meant to make this relationship stronger. Edison didn’t fail, who knows how many time before he saw the light. For some reason, this relationship is not what we hope for, I wanted to let you that you can trust God and that he’ll help you find your person; whoever it maybe. Who knows that the future holds. Right now, I pray that my relationship with you will make you be closer to Him if there is anything you get out of this relationship. We met for a reason. I like you and I am thankful for your seriousness and kindness towards me. You’re crazy and awesome in your own way. You care. I admire that about you. I am so tired right now I can feel my body shutting down. Chad, I thank you.

It has been awhile

It has been awhile, since I visited WordPress to express my thoughts and running emotions. I came here as a place to let loose and pour in my fears, happiness, sadness, and sometimes frustrations. All the emotions make realized that I am alive– living and experiencing the beauty of it all.

It has always been difficult for me to express my emotions, which I rarely do so, not even with the people closest to my life. Instead, I pour them in here. It is simply between me and a computer screen– hearing myself type on the keyboard, hitting back space and the period to end sentences. It has always been hard for me to even let loose and tell people how I feel. Now, I have noticed that I’ve been doing it more. It is still scary how I am letting random people, people whom I recently met know so much more about me. I don’t know if they truly know me though.

You know, I don’t have a lot of crunches, I have one here and there. I remembered my last crush was during high school. Of course, I didn’t do anything, because I not sure how to when in reality, I think you can simply talk to the person. Hahaha, it is easier say than done, absolutely. I hate admitting it, but it is true that I recently having a crush on a guy at my church. He is cute. He has the cutest smile. He is clean and dress really nice. He’s totally my type. I noticed him the first time in physics lab. He was cute and his sense of style was great. I like what I saw, but it is not like I am going to do anything. It is that feeling when you love a dress, you look at it behind a glass wall and you simply admired and walked passed it. It was pleasing and super gorgeous, and I can only thinking to myself, it must be super expensive and it doesn’t seem like it might fit, so I just sort forgot and moved-on. Not until, one day I met him again during our way to physics lecture, when I noticed, “Oh man, do you go to Redeemer?” I asked him because he was wearing a Redeemer shirt, which is a church that I recently been to and liked. We had a quick conversation and I found out he led a GC group. He was friendly and the next time we saw each other at physics lab that he added me to his GC Group Me. He also added on Facebook later in the week, which I was ecstatic when he did because I messaged him and said “Thank you so much for adding on facebook, how do you feel about the test?!” Oh boy, did I get a response back. I never did. He read the message, but nothing. I was like, ok, this is clear. He is NOT interested. oh, well, move-on, far gone. Well, we met again recently at church and that’s when I went to say “hi” to him. He gave me a hug like typical, I didn’t think anything too much of it. He is simply a nice person. But, boy, the week after at church, he would be within my eye site, and I can’t help it again, but said “Hi.” He invited me to his GC and of course I didn’t go because I don’t know anyone there and I don’t know if I would be uncomfortable, plus I just don’t chase after guys, it is way out of my comfort zone and it isn’t something I naturally do. In addition, his GC night falls during one of my SI for anatomy, which is an extra tutoring class I like going to because it help be do better in the class. Regardless, even if I were to make it to his GC, oh boy, I don’t even know how I would act. I act kind da funny when it comes to someone I sort ta like and I like to avoid them as well.

I just have to let this off my chest because may be he is talking to a girl he really likes or even better is he has a girlfriend. Oh man, what a story, right.

I think I am just going to either give it a try or not do anything. he has the outward appearance that I like. But am I just basing out of simply that. Beside the appearance, he should be godly as well and is someone who is interested in developing his relationship with God. Talking about that, instead of wondering about a guy, I should be focusing more on growing my relationship with God because he knows everything.

I think God knows the right time and he works the miracle. I truly think that he has the one for me. I am not going to worry, but do my best to live in a way that has God included in every inch of my walk, talk, and actions. I need to keep in mind that good things comes to those who waits. Meanwhile, a relationship with God is utterly important. Perhaps another reason for me to feel sort of bad about is that I am not going to a GC because I like a guy that is simply a bad reason to go. I want to go to a GC because I want to hear what God has to inform me. I absolutely think that I need to be diligent in my relationship with God because he loves and truly delivers the best present.

I think I am going to wrapped up tonight and realized that having crushes is not a bad thing, but that I must not get to deep into it and having the story written in my head than actually experiencing it. I either need to do something or just move-on, which more than 90% of the time, I just moved-on– I can easily do without a doubt. I don’t think I will see him next Sunday either, because one of my friend who I typically go to church with is going to the earlier service, so I might not see him and it will be okay. I didn’t talk to him today (Sunday) because he has so many guys he was talking to. I think having a crush feels burdensome and I didn’t like it, I think I should move-on soon if I am not planning on making a move. I either have to go to his GC or that’s it. I would be more comfortable with just going to a coffee shop and talk, but would I ask him out like that? Highly unlikely.

Anyway I am going to end this tonight and yeah. Goodnight, sleep tight, but as I always added “but not too tight.”

P.s. another one of my fear is that I am being too shallow, because I do like his smile and overall look and of course I value his Godliness, but I don’t want to be superficial because there is other guys at church who is godly too, but they are simply not as attractive as my crush. I don’t want to be shallow in my way and that scares me because if I base of on that then I don’t think that is a good idea because it is not going to be meaningful.

Why I suck at not doing things at the last minute

I had to wait to the last minute to complete a task. There is definitely a better idea than doing such. Perhaps, somehow I will be a able to trick my brain to start and complete a task well while not having to wait to do it at the last minute. I guess is to just do it. The not so simple task can in fact be perform simply-easily. Stop prolonging the task, stop letting something come in between the intention. DO IT.

Ummm

Today is a Friday, opps never mind, it is a Saturday instead; a family week at my college where parents just seems to be flooded everywhere. It is nice to witness family time, but honestly, I wish I get to see mine as well, but again, there is a part of me that think it is okay and I can simply unto Thanksgiving to see them. uhhhh…

This week, I am determine to accomplish tasks I’ve set my mind to, finish MOST of my school works and get in-touch with my potential jobs at the lab. LET’S DO IT!

Yahhhhh..

You got this, do it, do it, do it.

Anyway, writing has been therapeutic. It is a pathway for me to release, especially when I live alone.

There is this guy is sort of like. But, I think he might be too young for me. There is also another guy I haven’t met, who is older, for sure, like 5 years older. Anyway, it is kind of fun. I, no the other hand, is by any means love stuff like this, the getting-to-know phrase. Being a introvert that I am, I don’t know if anyone will able to know me really. But again, I have goals and dreams that I want to pour my focus into, if someone were to come into my life, they must be worth it. If I see their effort and if I see their passion, I will also pour mine, in the right way. Does this sounds selfish, well, it can be, but I am looking for someone who will stick around, dependable, caring, and serious, so…I can wait. I am not in rush.

After a Relationship

I am feeling somewhat alone and wanted someone to go out and eat with today. I can text some of my friends, but it seems to me that there is this one person I had like to share my time with.

Before, my getting in a relationship, I was doing thing by myself just fine. I had go to Chipotle and order a veggie bowl and bring it back to eat at my dorm just fine. Which this convinced me that I can do it now just fine as well. I had like to text some of my guy friends, however, I don’t want to give a wrong impression of me liking them because I don’t and am only looking to be friend.

July 13

Today’s my birthday! I am so happy that I lived a full year. It is exciting, fun, and memorable. Receiving good wishing from loved ones; family and friends are the best part about my birthday. This especially goes to my lovely, the best sister in the entire world. My love, Gift. She is simply lovely and I am so glad to have her as my sister. I love her to the moon and back. Gift, like her name, is a very special person in my life. I would absolutely not trade her for anything. Gift, I love you and I am thankful to God for given you to be my sister. You made me laughed and cried with tears of happiness. You bring joy in to my life. You’re so silly and you’ve always been silly.

My dad is another person in my life whom I thankful for, all through and always. This man helped me in all aspects–from cooking, ironing my cloths (sometimes on special occasion), helping me move, carrying things, fixing stuff for me, and caring for me. I love him and thankful to have him as my dad. I love him and appreciate him so much. This man is also very funny, chill, and rarely worry about things.

My mom, I love her. Even though, we live far away. She is the ones who sympathized with me and worried for me and my well-being, sometimes, I feel like it’s nonsense, but that’s her and she cares for me. She is a kind of mom who will buy me foods and drinks whenever I want. I love you, mommy. She is easily alerted, but she is unique in her own ways.

This special day reminded me special people in my life. I am thankful and grateful for them. They kept me going~