It has been awhile

It has been awhile, since I visited WordPress to express my thoughts and running emotions. I came here as a place to let loose and pour in my fears, happiness, sadness, and sometimes frustrations. All the emotions make realized that I am alive– living and experiencing the beauty of it all.

It has always been difficult for me to express my emotions, which I rarely do so, not even with the people closest to my life. Instead, I pour them in here. It is simply between me and a computer screen– hearing myself type on the keyboard, hitting back space and the period to end sentences. It has always been hard for me to even let loose and tell people how I feel. Now, I have noticed that I’ve been doing it more. It is still scary how I am letting random people, people whom I recently met know so much more about me. I don’t know if they truly know me though.

You know, I don’t have a lot of crunches, I have one here and there. I remembered my last crush was during high school. Of course, I didn’t do anything, because I not sure how to when in reality, I think you can simply talk to the person. Hahaha, it is easier say than done, absolutely. I hate admitting it, but it is true that I recently having a crush on a guy at my church. He is cute. He has the cutest smile. He is clean and dress really nice. He’s totally my type. I noticed him the first time in physics lab. He was cute and his sense of style was great. I like what I saw, but it is not like I am going to do anything. It is that feeling when you love a dress, you look at it behind a glass wall and you simply admired and walked passed it. It was pleasing and super gorgeous, and I can only thinking to myself, it must be super expensive and it doesn’t seem like it might fit, so I just sort forgot and moved-on. Not until, one day I met him again during our way to physics lecture, when I noticed, “Oh man, do you go to Redeemer?” I asked him because he was wearing a Redeemer shirt, which is a church that I recently been to and liked. We had a quick conversation and I found out he led a GC group. He was friendly and the next time we saw each other at physics lab that he added me to his GC Group Me. He also added on Facebook later in the week, which I was ecstatic when he did because I messaged him and said “Thank you so much for adding on facebook, how do you feel about the test?!” Oh boy, did I get a response back. I never did. He read the message, but nothing. I was like, ok, this is clear. He is NOT interested. oh, well, move-on, far gone. Well, we met again recently at church and that’s when I went to say “hi” to him. He gave me a hug like typical, I didn’t think anything too much of it. He is simply a nice person. But, boy, the week after at church, he would be within my eye site, and I can’t help it again, but said “Hi.” He invited me to his GC and of course I didn’t go because I don’t know anyone there and I don’t know if I would be uncomfortable, plus I just don’t chase after guys, it is way out of my comfort zone and it isn’t something I naturally do. In addition, his GC night falls during one of my SI for anatomy, which is an extra tutoring class I like going to because it help be do better in the class. Regardless, even if I were to make it to his GC, oh boy, I don’t even know how I would act. I act kind da funny when it comes to someone I sort ta like and I like to avoid them as well.

I just have to let this off my chest because may be he is talking to a girl he really likes or even better is he has a girlfriend. Oh man, what a story, right.

I think I am just going to either give it a try or not do anything. he has the outward appearance that I like. But am I just basing out of simply that. Beside the appearance, he should be godly as well and is someone who is interested in developing his relationship with God. Talking about that, instead of wondering about a guy, I should be focusing more on growing my relationship with God because he knows everything.

I think God knows the right time and he works the miracle. I truly think that he has the one for me. I am not going to worry, but do my best to live in a way that has God included in every inch of my walk, talk, and actions. I need to keep in mind that good things comes to those who waits. Meanwhile, a relationship with God is utterly important. Perhaps another reason for me to feel sort of bad about is that I am not going to a GC because I like a guy that is simply a bad reason to go. I want to go to a GC because I want to hear what God has to inform me. I absolutely think that I need to be diligent in my relationship with God because he loves and truly delivers the best present.

I think I am going to wrapped up tonight and realized that having crushes is not a bad thing, but that I must not get to deep into it and having the story written in my head than actually experiencing it. I either need to do something or just move-on, which more than 90% of the time, I just moved-on– I can easily do without a doubt. I don’t think I will see him next Sunday either, because one of my friend who I typically go to church with is going to the earlier service, so I might not see him and it will be okay. I didn’t talk to him today (Sunday) because he has so many guys he was talking to. I think having a crush feels burdensome and I didn’t like it, I think I should move-on soon if I am not planning on making a move. I either have to go to his GC or that’s it. I would be more comfortable with just going to a coffee shop and talk, but would I ask him out like that? Highly unlikely.

Anyway I am going to end this tonight and yeah. Goodnight, sleep tight, but as I always added “but not too tight.”

P.s. another one of my fear is that I am being too shallow, because I do like his smile and overall look and of course I value his Godliness, but I don’t want to be superficial because there is other guys at church who is godly too, but they are simply not as attractive as my crush. I don’t want to be shallow in my way and that scares me because if I base of on that then I don’t think that is a good idea because it is not going to be meaningful.

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Why I suck at not doing things at the last minute

I had to wait to the last minute to complete a task. There is definitely a better idea than doing such. Perhaps, somehow I will be a able to trick my brain to start and complete a task well while not having to wait to do it at the last minute. I guess is to just do it. The not so simple task can in fact be perform simply-easily. Stop prolonging the task, stop letting something come in between the intention. DO IT.

Ummm

Today is a Friday, opps never mind, it is a Saturday instead; a family week at my college where parents just seems to be flooded everywhere. It is nice to witness family time, but honestly, I wish I get to see mine as well, but again, there is a part of me that think it is okay and I can simply unto Thanksgiving to see them. uhhhh…

This week, I am determine to accomplish tasks I’ve set my mind to, finish MOST of my school works and get in-touch with my potential jobs at the lab. LET’S DO IT!

Yahhhhh..

You got this, do it, do it, do it.

Anyway, writing has been therapeutic. It is a pathway for me to release, especially when I live alone.

There is this guy is sort of like. But, I think he might be too young for me. There is also another guy I haven’t met, who is older, for sure, like 5 years older. Anyway, it is kind of fun. I, no the other hand, is by any means love stuff like this, the getting-to-know phrase. Being a introvert that I am, I don’t know if anyone will able to know me really. But again, I have goals and dreams that I want to pour my focus into, if someone were to come into my life, they must be worth it. If I see their effort and if I see their passion, I will also pour mine, in the right way. Does this sounds selfish, well, it can be, but I am looking for someone who will stick around, dependable, caring, and serious, so…I can wait. I am not in rush.

After a Relationship

I am feeling somewhat alone and wanted someone to go out and eat with today. I can text some of my friends, but it seems to me that there is this one person I had like to share my time with.

Before, my getting in a relationship, I was doing thing by myself just fine. I had go to Chipotle and order a veggie bowl and bring it back to eat at my dorm just fine. Which this convinced me that I can do it now just fine as well. I had like to text some of my guy friends, however, I don’t want to give a wrong impression of me liking them because I don’t and am only looking to be friend.

July 13

Today’s my birthday! I am so happy that I lived a full year. It is exciting, fun, and memorable. Receiving good wishing from loved ones; family and friends are the best part about my birthday. This especially goes to my lovely, the best sister in the entire world. My love, Gift. She is simply lovely and I am so glad to have her as my sister. I love her to the moon and back. Gift, like her name, is a very special person in my life. I would absolutely not trade her for anything. Gift, I love you and I am thankful to God for given you to be my sister. You made me laughed and cried with tears of happiness. You bring joy in to my life. You’re so silly and you’ve always been silly.

My dad is another person in my life whom I thankful for, all through and always. This man helped me in all aspects–from cooking, ironing my cloths (sometimes on special occasion), helping me move, carrying things, fixing stuff for me, and caring for me. I love him and thankful to have him as my dad. I love him and appreciate him so much. This man is also very funny, chill, and rarely worry about things.

My mom, I love her. Even though, we live far away. She is the ones who sympathized with me and worried for me and my well-being, sometimes, I feel like it’s nonsense, but that’s her and she cares for me. She is a kind of mom who will buy me foods and drinks whenever I want. I love you, mommy. She is easily alerted, but she is unique in her own ways.

This special day reminded me special people in my life. I am thankful and grateful for them. They kept me going~

I did it

So, finally, after quite some time of deliberating what to do, I finally did it. I sort of faced my fear. I know for sure that I still, in fact, like him, because I cannot stop thinking about him. It is hard for me to admit it, but it’s true. So what I did was I asked to meet up. He showed up and I can’t contain myself but had to tell him that. There is perhaps some part of me that is still withholding some of the things I am feeling, but at least I am facing something unknown. I try to think positive and to not worry. I still strongly believe that a relationship is suppose to help you grow. Therefore, it is healthy.

The last thing I want is to not worry him about stuff. It would break my heart to know that I am doing that. Hopefully, thing can simply be casual and natural. Do not settle is the word that will be my motto.

I wish this friendship the best if I think of him as a friend then, it’s much easier for me because I do expect a lot of things. Therefore, we should take it slow like really slow.

How do I feel about him? I like him. He’s interesting, can be weird sometimes, but overall interesting. He is nice, however, I really wanted to take it slow. I will not rush into anything. This is something to definitely be aware.

Dear God, I wanted this relationship to be focus on you, even though, he is not there with me. Regardless of such, I know where my eyes should be focusing. I must focus only on you. Help me God. I prayed for self-control and intersection with him with a lot of people.

Saturday

I had just realized how long it has been since I starting to blog again. It has indeed been awhile. Last night, I locked myself out because I left the keys to my apartment at the restaurant where I worked until 11 last night. I put the keys in the cabinet at job when I first arrived, left it there and forgot to grab it when my work finished. I sat for almost an hour waiting for my roommate to get back to her apartment. The thing is that I didn’t have her number to begin with. What I did was that I called my friend and I ended up spending the night at there place. It was fun. It was late, but it was a good experience–knowing that having a friend is a blessing. I am grateful to God for bringing good people in my life and for my grandma’s prayer because she also prayed for me to meet good people. I am not quite sure of how I acquired this. The last time I noticed that my throat hurts was last Thursday while I was eating omelet and oat meal. Suddenly, I throat began hurting and has not stopped since. I am a little concerned as I rarely got sick. It has been 8 years and I haven’t been majorly sick from flu, cold, strep throat, etc. I hoping that my immune system is taking its action for my throat to get better and feel better.

Today, is TTU first home game. There are lots of people gathering, not as much as I have seen at BU yet. I wanted to make it to the football game one day, but with people who love  and competitive about football. My friends would go just to go, but they don’t care too much about football. When I go, I really do watch and pay attention to the game. I need to go with someone who I can cheered with. I should get some rest now, so that my immune system can work its magical healing power.

I forgot to mention that today at 11, I went to help out at the TTU community garden–it was fun and a good way to get some sunlight, which has vitamin D.  I got some beans, tomatoes, and basil leaves. It was great. The fruits and vegetable at the community garden taste so much better than the store bought. It was magical seeing all the insects, compose, gar beds, and many grown plants. It was truly amazing. Anyway I met new people named Kristen and Jorden. They were nice.  I also met Emmanuel who is also known as the Composer because he was in charged for the compose pile. I am so glad to be part of the community garden. It was truly beautiful.

Anyway, I have to be at work by 5 pm today and honestly, I genuinely rest and relax. This job pays me, but then it is also can be tiring. I am considered quitting because I need some rest from school and the weekends are the times I will get some rest. It will be hard to tell my boss that I am quitting because he was a great boss–kind, understanding, and generous. He is also a really great cook. He would make me delicious meals and make it according to my diet because he knows that I am a pescatarian.

For some weird reason, my throat feels a little better. I forgot to inform that I might be getting a job at TTU in the microbiology lab, which I am down to work for. I will even get pay to do the work. I am excited. This job is also a reason why I might considered not working at the restaurant anymore. I like working there because I get to meet people, be nice to them, and eat delicious meals. But, I would love to work at the lab even more because I will get to learn laboratory skills, which I craved! I am going to work this week and tell Eric soon about my quitting at the restaurant. It will be so hard for me to do.

Another thing I wanted to tell is that it has been 4 months going to the five since I broke up with my first encounter with a boy-relationship–a getting to know phrase and I still think about him. I am so selfish in a sense that I wanted to be his friend, but nothing more. I just wanted to hangout. But then again, this is only my wish. Anyway, I don’t know if I want to forget him. I am sure I won’t forget him because he was my first sort of romantic relationship. Anyway, he is another reason why I restrain myself from eating at my favorite place on campus :/ Ugh, why does it have to be this way. Ugh. If we’re good friend then I think it won’t be as uncomfortable. Whatever. I need to just be better. I am going to rest now.