Here I am ..

..about to speak to the Gm on the one closest to my house. She’s on her break and I am just here not even wanting to eat after I’ve gotten my impossible solely because I didn’t want to have oily lips even though it was underneath the mask, still, I wanted to appear as fresh and as confident as I can. If I am being honest, I have a feeling of 50s-50s whether I will get this job but nevertheless or which side the opportunity is leaning to, I know that Jesus got me, always. I will do my part and if it’s not meant to be or He thinks that there is a better opportunity, He’s always right, regardless. Anyhow, this place, I felt super entitled and belonged to, so I feel like I’m not done with. Yet. But there is a part of me that also knew that perhaps I should moved on. It was a golden time, but there is a part of me that says, it’s ok if you don’t get it. And that’s an attitude I’m having to whatever it is about to happen.

Well, I can no longer wait so I’m here eating the impossible. It was ok. Nothing I eat in public is as good as if I were to eat by myself. I don’t mind being watch doing other things but with eating, with eating, it’s just a different scene. I don’t think that I am a sloppy devour, but I am extra self conscious when eating. Anyhow, I just wanted enjoy myself and I am not able to as much when eating amongst other people.

I’m still here, eating and waiting. I mostly wanted to get the conversation over with, but you know, I just found out that she won’t be for another while, so there’s that. I’m going to wait until as long as I can, and yea that’ll be it. For now, it’s getting so hot in here. So hot.

I hope to keep this up

I just (not really) realized that I have what to say in my head than out loud. It’s not that I can’t say things out loud but it’s not easy to find someone who can listen to all this thought, so writing is perfect for me. My hobbies are tennis, skateboarding, and writing (more like typing). Well, I frekin just spend 15 dollars on Starbucks, oh well… I like to save up a lot, so I feel bad when I spend money. The reason being because I work so hard to get money. Well, “hard” not like doing constructing and heavy lifting, but hard meaning I have to wake up to go to work to begin with. So buying stuff outside is not an option when I earn approximately 10 dollars per hour. It’s ok. I think I’m over it now. Anyway, today so far has been a good day beside spending money. Anyhow, I just think that I will be writing my thought more now since I got my original WordPress login back after not having it for months, because I couldn’t login to the original one I created and turned out I made a new account that I obviously didn’t want because I didn’t have all my old stories! So I don’t know what happened, I think God interceded on this behalf and maybe He was like “well, she’s going a lil cray cray, having to type on Apple note app.” So here it is I got everything back and so I had to upload like 11 previous writing back to back at 3-4 am this morning. And it was cool, I gained random unintentional subscriptions because of that which you know don’t follow my account if you just wanted me to follow you back because I honestly won’t and never will. This has been fun. I don’t know but I’m assuming that most people who have a blog may, May MAY MAYY one day thought of writing a book someday, and I have had that thought sometimes, and of course today too. I wanted to write a book and like most people who may MAY, wanted to start writing a book, they don’t know what to write about and let me tell you, ME, I can write just fine when I wanted to but when I do want to, I just froze(n)d. It’s like my brain is playing a trick on me. Like my perfectionist mix attitude pops in and ruined the creativity because I’m scare of messing it up and make this boring, uninspired, unnatural story that felt forced and unoriginal and lack real world and voice that people can see and touch. Honestly, I have been listening to Thai music recently and it calmed me down a bit. It kind of this nostalgia vibe to it that brought me back to where I started. Anyhow, maybe God wanted be to be a writer, because this have been something I’ve been doing nonstops for the past year because things seemed to come up and that made me wanted to write about—mostly things or situations that distressed me. And I think that is because I am receptive of how I feel (well most of the time). Actually, I take what I said back because if I am being honest, I low key, most of the time, don’t know how I feel like I couldn’t pin point exactly how or what to feel like I can’t just identify it and I think that’s why I like typing so much because I am able to understand or hope to understand the situation or how I feel better. I do that by talking as well but it is not as effective as just typing it out well I take that back as well because it’s just depends. More often than not, it’s not that effective.

Anyhow, I thought I had write more about what is happening currently. I’m waiting umc yo started my 1 am shift. Monday is actually my dad off, but Sam sent an email asking if anyone wanted to cover more shift this 3 weeks from now they can, so here I am money collecting hunger just couldn’t denied the offer. I love making money but I am always at a battle of making money and loving what I do. Somehow I always ended up choosing what I thought I had liked more than making money itself. I have been having this thought recently (meaning today) that I maybe I wanted to go back to wait table because maybe I will earn more money and I love that it’s physically demanding. I think I am going to really enjoy my work today though because I just feel good. And I thank God for whatever people have been partying for me. God is always good. I am not but like I always say, my God is always.

It is 4 am and I had just repost 11 blogs that I didn’t get a chance to upload

So it’s like the title says, 4 am in Oct. 12, 2020. Well it’s more like 4:41 am when I begin this sentence to be accurate about the time. I’m laying on my bed typing my thought because I didn’t have to get up early in the morning. I would have been at work by now, but I don’t have my early job so I’m get to sleep in a bit and begin my afternoon job at 1 pm. It’s quite a day today. I got mad at my dad like I have been the past couple of weeks. A month to be exact. I don’t know what when wronged because when I asked him, he said nothing or said it was his fault. I know it wasn’t only his fault but I also not sure about what I done wrong. Anyhow, like what my precious post mentioned, I’m done being bitter at him and Simply going to just live my life and not be passive aggressive at him. It gets old and has no point. I’m just going to try to worry about my emotion, work, and sleep schedule. Hopefully, I will actually get up tomorrow to work at my afternoon job. For now, I’m calling it good night. P.s. the reason why I repost like 10 posts back to back is because I’m literally able to get back my original WordPress account. I’m really happy now that I get to use WordPress on any device—phone and laptop. So I’m will get to post on the day off instead of typing it on Apple Notes App. So this is good news😌

Perplexing Bitterness

I’m perplexed at the bitterness of my heart. I know I am bad and mean and selfish and cold and everything but good. I’m just bad and bitter. And I don’t need to explain or owe it to other. All I know is that I need to be better. I think that my life is so bad but I’m bad and that’s all. Well I don’t have to be bad. I can be good. Nothing good comes easy but maybe if one’s lucky. All I know is that I’m tired of being mean to my dad. I don’t have to be perfect but what I could be is to not be mean to people who I think deserves it or hurt me. I’m done with that. It produced no good and I can witnessed that in my own life. It doesn’t do me any good to be mean to someone. I don’t think I have the right to be mean to someone. I’m not a judge and I simply don’t need to act like one. I need to stop and do good things that I think is good. The world in itself has already been fill with lots of pain and hurt. I don’t need to add to the excess sorrows, anger, pain, and suffering. I need to stop with the passive aggressions and hurtful deeds, actions, and words. I am better than that because I am a child of God. He is willing to leave the 99 to find one missing cheap. Well the saying doesn’t make much sense but still, I’m simply wanted to end this aggression I have towards others. I believe that they don’t deserve my meaness and I simply don’t have the right to be mean to them or cause them pain even if they caused mine. I would simply do my best even if the rest fail. Honestly, even if my dad fail to love himself, there is little I can do. I guess I could and should still love on him and that is it. That is what I should do , but could I simply do nothing? Like I will not be mean to him but leave him alone? So I am asking if indifference is ok. I think this is it for today, maybe I wil continue later, because I need to go home and don’t laundry.

Writing keeps on riding

So my WordPress doesn’t seems like it is wanting to work for me..

Needless, I still going to write. I want to work on my inner confidence. It’s not being arrogance or egotistical but to not be shaken by people and their deeds. I know what I don’t like or how people do things sometimes. I’m like an untamed birds. And probably more so than anyone I know, I like being free. I had just finished watching Enola Holmes and just like her, I was razed my a mostly non-restricted parent—by her mom. Her mom taught her many skills she knew Enola would later find useful and to survive in life. Of course, this sure is a movie and I obviously could relate and would like to use what it can be applied to my life. However, there is also part of me that suspicious of what advice rang true and are there such thing as world advice and whether they come from. And is believing in God not being free. I don’t know but my heart knows that I did doubt Him right for 5 seconds and I would have sank for the same if not more equal amount. I wonder if I believe in Him because I don’t believe in myself. Because I needed extra cushion to help me. Honestly, Jesus makes me a better person and All Good Things truly comes from Him.m, including that movie Enola. I like to be myself and I’m still working on it. I try and will continue to work on not being a people pleaser. But to be someone who thrive for the well-being of others and to have do thing for God’s glory. Back to the bucks, I am upset with my coworkers.m for the reason being many of them get bossy, and orderly with me and also being critical. Sometimes, I feel like they just wanted to reduce my confidence. I don’t know what to think, but I heard from someone that “you can grow when you’re allow it to be.” That is quite powerful and also this “where you will be today, matters where you will be tomorrow.” I don’t like being told what to do, especially when I feel like you’re picking and choosing unnecessarily about what I do. This shift manger does bothers me. I pray that I can be still and to not be shaken.

Good this time

Back at it again

This is not a self actualization story, but it’s simply a continuation of a story. I feel different today at starbs and maybe it is mostly God. I don’t think it could have been the way it is if not for him. I take things personally first 95% of the time, but for some reason today, I’m kind of just ok with the all comments, etc. which is weird and that’s why I say this is God-doing. Obviously the day hasn’t ended and I still a lot more figure out. But it was an interesting day. I don’t know if it’s going to keep up or what. But it was still a really interesting day for me and I think that it is a good day. I thank God for it wholeheartedly and to Him be the glory. I still wanted to improve and humble myself and honestly, I can’t speak this for others, but I’m grateful when things get hard and I’m proud to be able to endure and persevere the moments. I know I can’t change anything and I wouldn’t because God is perfect. He always got me. I am grateful to have gone through it and endure and persevere. It is a good feeling to have well a sense of calmness when it could have been lots of negativities.

WordPress Complication

So my WordPress doesn’t seems like it wants to be working for me..

Needless, I still going to write. I want to work on my inner confidence. It’s not being arrogance or egotistical but to not be shaken by people and their deeds. I know what I don’t like or how people do things sometimes. I’m like an untamed birds. And probably more so than anyone I know, I like being free. I had just finished watching Enola Holmes and just like her, I was razed my a mostly non-restricted parent—by her mom. Her mom taught her many skills she knew Enola would later find useful and to survive in life. Of course, this Su is a movie and I obviously could relate and would like to use what ‘Mia being applied to me. However, there is also part of me that suspicious of what advice rang true and are there such thing as world advice and whether they come from. And is believing in God not being free. I don’t know but my heart knows that I did doubt Him right for 5 seconds and I would have sank for the same if not more equal amount. I wonder if I believe in Him because I don’t believe in myself. Because I needed extra cushion to help me. Honestly, Jesus makes me a better person and All Good Things truly comes from Him.m, including that movie Enola. I like to be myself and I’m still working on it. I try and will continue to work on not being a people pleaser. But to be someone who thrive for the well-being of others and to have do thing for God’s glory. Back to the bucks, I am upset with my coworkers.m for the reason being many of them get bossy, and orderly with me and also being critical. Sometimes, I feel like they just wanted to reduce my confidence. I don’t know what to think, but I heard from someone that “you can grow when you’re allow it to be.” That is quite powerful and also this “where you will be today, matters where you will be tomorrow.” I don’t like being told what to do, especially when I feel like you’re picking and choosing unnecessarily about what I do. This shift manger does bothers me. I pray that I can be still and to not be shaken.

Train (life) Ride

Easier said than done

Life is full of surprises. I have been on this train ride for about 2 days now. And I’m mostly avoiding it or confronting it, because I angry and if I were to say something I feel like the anger will not be contain and that hurtful saying will be spilled or hurts feelings. Right now, I’m in my dad’s car eating Panda Express. I know the food here isn’t the best compare to what I get at home by my dad but it’s good, hot—I don’t know about fresh. It will get as fresh as it gets I presumed. Anyhow, today happened to be a really nice day out. And there were just a guy that burbed really loudly that had just passed my car. It startled me and I would probably made the funniest face. Anyhow I don’t know if he did that on purposed or what, but he was obnoxious. Anyhow back to today being an almost the perfect day. Well, perfect day in terms of the weather, but close to a perfect day in terms of hunger. I got a lot of sleep done though, because there was nothing to eat and so I just slept. Oh I can couldn’t go out to find something to eat either because I had no car. I had a friend named Tooba in high school. I guess we are still friend, but we just hasn’t been in contact with each other. Anyhow, Tooba used to say—I don’t know if she’s still saying it now because he haven’t talk. But she used to always say that ‘people are annoying.’ And I guess it took me this day to realized that it’s somewhat true. Some people are annoying and I don’t if this a reflection of my heart and it most likely is the reflection of state of my thought and therefore, could be say the state of my heart to make it sounds more pretty—I am in. Panda Express tastes better, but today it was just ok. It was good but it was missing something—it was missing my excitement. Anyhow, I before I left for Panda, I was actually in my bed, contemplating maybe going to eat Panda..and a text popped up, “Hey, I’m free to talk if you are,” from a friend. I mean “a friend” sounded distant because people usually say “my friend” has texted me. Weirdly enough, ‘a friend’ was probably is the people outside of my family that I actually say something to or tell him stuff personally to. But yeah, miraculously enough, I called him a friend and not my friend. And maybe that is also another reflection of the way my thinking are. Well as I typing this, another so called ‘a friend’ just texted me saying that he couldn’t make it to tennis because he hasn’t finished working. I know I does that too, but honestly I would just say I can’t make it today and be done with it. And that had probably wha it could do. No, I typically does that if I can’t make it to something I would just let them know something came up, so I can’t make it or simply I can’t today and maybe throwing a free sorry here and there like “sorry, I can’t today,” when I almost means no I can’t talk period. It is really funny how my minds work, but I forgot that other have minds too, so that is a while other realm I rather not explore. And maybe try to understand and be nice. I know I’m a selfish being and I am relying on God to make me less selfish. I know He’s Always Presence. And I had this feeling that He’ll be coming soon, so He’s telling me to get ready and be good—to remain in Him and listen to what He has been telling me. I think that this thought of Him coming soon has nothing to do with the reason changing, but more with Him actually coming soon to take those to has been faithful back to him in heaven. Well, I would be sad that my mom and dad as of now isn’t safe and honestly I get to know God because of His people and right now let me tell you, if my mom and dad is looking at me who believe in God, they are not seeing a good version of me. I am more than likely not the light. I am an emotionally being and I learnt today that I should trust my feelings and emotions well, I’m not cleared on this. How are we human if we can’t trust our emotion. I’m confused right now and I know Jesus always has plans. Anyhow, today at Panda, with the social distancing, all the hungry people has to form line that extend outside of the store because they only “allow max of 5 people instead,” and honestly this rule is very abuse because they weren’t actually five people instead but more. Anyhow, beside a whole other issues of rule or should I say “saying,” nah, I’m back to saying rules because somehow they are more than not broken or have exceptions that weren’t explicitly say in the rules. Deep breath. Anyhow, yes, back to the point of mentioning the line at Panda. Just so you know if it’s not obvious I’m still sitting in my truck, in a parking lot I’m front of Panda and eating Panda while typing my thought and it has been nothing but entertaining. So right, right when I walk to the store and I remembered thinking “wow, there are lots of people, hungry, and me too.” There is this man, I had backspaced typing “this is this gentleman,” because I don’t know if he’s gentle. Somehow the society wanted men to be more gentle, so they’re enforcing the pronoun to reminding them to not be barbaric but Gentle. Anyhow, this man was in line as I walked up, I saw him and there were what appeared to be a mom and two sons after the man, so I thought oh he’s the dad. But I took me like maybe 3 guessing minutes to realized that no the man came by himself. I quickly became instead in him for maybe another minute or two. Ok let me clarified that I wasn’t interested in him like what you might be thinking which is lovely dovey, potentially romantically, but just interested. I began to think, ok, this man is looking good for his age, which I’m thinking 35 but he could be more, he just maintain his shape, so he looks nice and fitted. I don’t know how much he pays for his “gym” time but nevertheless he caught my 23 year old attention enough to start analyzing him. Also let me clarified that I like beauty and aesthetics. And perhaps I shouldn’t have clarified myself assss most of us notice the beautiful things in life and we appreciate them and whatever I don’t need to excuse myself for this. This man looks good for his age and instead of ordering a plate, he ordered a bowl, so my mind of like oh he’s dad who’s ordering this for a child, so like how quickly I noticed him, he got dropped. And I order my food not even remembering him until after I finished ordering my food is when I was him India car in front of Panda. It was a nice car, a black, sleek, Volvo. I was like “woo” not out loud of course, I I just walk walk walk walk to my car all happy because of the weather. I turned my head to the sun, all perky, and walk to my truck with a thought that maybe he could me a stalker. So he pulled out to the street and left and I was like “man, he is kind da cute.”

It’s now 7:46 and it’s night and I’m 1/4 to finishing my food and I’m already thinking of an ice cream shop but maybe I will visit my aunt instead of some frozen dairy, cream, and sugar. Sometimes, I have high expectations of people around me, used to be my ex, my aunt, and family. I learned quite a while now that expectation kills good feeling of appreciation in relationships. And the root of it is probably selfishness which I know I harbor and have. Anyhow, I know life in itself is good, God created man, woman, living things for good, but we got corrupted and turn against God. Our mind got this off and on plague of human selfishness and pride and dirty dirty, disgusted desires. Anyhow, I’m getting a little too deep here that I too, haven’t figured it out and I’m probably borrowing somebody else’s thought. If I am being really really even more honest, then I have had sex with my guy for the first time. He was my second boyfriend, and I remembered a pastor I watched on YouTuBe said that sex is meant to be a joining of soul kind of moment and it was only between husband and wife and it was beautiful, sacred, and maybe he said holy or I just came up with it. Anyway, this joining god the soul moment in sexual intercourse that I had with my ex was simply not meant to be. I got a part of him, and maybe he got a part of me too. I have been noticing that the thought I dislike about him that he expressed to me became something I’m having them myself. I became judge mental about people and impatient Mx etc. etc. When driving, judging people in the way I haven’t really been and I think it was this joining of soul moment that I took from him. And no I didn’t want it but I was tempted and fell for it. God forgives but that doesn’t means I won’t experience the consequences. And that relationship was almost 2 years ago and I’m still living the consequences and it seemed like a part of him never left me—free. I carried a part of him, how he acted and behave with me and the thought of it pops up here and there whenever my thought chooses. I’m not living in the pain that I had in the beginning months after break up and it is better now than it has been. And I have been careful with relationship with the man and women alike. I know than men think differently than women, I mean c’on this is not a surprise statement in this day and age. Men somehow, motivated and hunt for sex when they found the object they fancy. Women kind for maybe a protector. I could be so so wrong in this thought and it is not that simple. I’m not saying that all man are shallow, even if I 100% sounded that way. Some of us doesn’t have our thought plague with stuff and do look for a more pure love and relationship—symbiosis than selfish ones. Oh did I tell you that I’ve been angry at my dad for like a month now. They were stories after stories that causes him to smoke weed and find happiness in it as a way to cover how he feels about me or how I’ve hurt or not listen to him. I have taken him for granted. I’ve abused him emotionally and he is not going to come out and say that I’ve hurt him. He is very passive with his emotion. I never know how he truly felt and I could say that is the skill he never quite learn to express. And most men never learned to express their feelings, my grandpa included and may be some of yours too. He rather relied on weed to make him happy when distress and hope that one day it will get better. And honestly, I don’t want to break it, but weed will not cute the problem that inflame the heart—only God can. I still harbor this anger I have toward him and sometimes, I feel like I started to be angry with others too quickly. I got angry at my mom, sister, and aunt quickly after that. I blamed them for not being there for me and ignoring what I told them to do. Anger is like fire, once it started it’s not easy to contain the spread. The coolest story of this story is that it has been almost 3 hours in my car writing down my thoughts. Writing is probably my favorite hobby that I don’t always tell people or at least say that it is my hobby or therapy or what ever to call it. I enjoy expressing my thought and feelings that only I care about. And perhaps God do too. I have clips of thought here and there of wanting to write a book and publish it to the world to see and hear—to be understood or to be heard. But no one will completely understand me in a flesh form. But it is still fun to have someone able to relate. I do less than 90% of fabricating my stories and anything I wrote so the book should be non-fiction or an autobiography in the store. Now I’m extremely thirsty after eating, but I’m busy typing. And that rhymes, so maybe I should be a rapper too. I do escape from the harshness or unpleasantness of the world from time to time whenever it gets boring and especially hard. I get away and be with myself—recharge. The people who study and try to put people into category would call me an introvert. And I didn’t realized myself enough to say that yes I am more than likely an introvert. I’m a first when I met you extrovert and when I got to warm up with me, introvert. I can lose and gain a pound simultaneously. It is funny how that works. And did I tell you that I wanted to work with my hand I’m a field that would more than likely allow me to financially build and design my own home. I’m a field that I am able to utilize my skill and purpose and thinking and the way I sort of am. I wanted to work with my hand to either be a dentist or a surgeon. And I’m leaning towards surgery more than dentistry even though for some reason life keep steering me away from the hospital. And maybe God is telling me to be a dentist instead and he probably telling me so right now and I keep questioning it. You know I’m going to just apply for dental school. Maybe I should just start looking at some when I get home. I never really look into dental school at all as funny as it sound. Also, my cousin is a dentist and there is only one medical doctor in my family and one dentist, but still she is only 2 years older than me and so I don’t want to have the same occupation as she did. My pride ego is saying I want to be the only one in my generation to be a surgeon—to be the first and a pioneer. And I think that is why I choose medical school. I wonder if I could be both though? Is there someone out there like that two holding these two jobs at once. I’m sure there is. And I’ve never been a one way street person. I’m more than one street, I always hold more than one job, do more than one thing at a time. It felt unsatisfying to just do one thing, so why not both? I think I’m going to start with a gentle school? And then apply to medical school? Or should I start with my original plan of the medical school first and go from there. Perhaps that is better. Right about now is when food starting to smell like vomit. What seems to be a bustling and lively weather quickly turn quiet and slow wind. I think I’m going to call my aunt and go see her for some ice cream. It was a voice mail as it has been such recently for the past week—goes straight to the voice mail. If she knows technology well, I would think she block me on purpose like I had just block my sister and mom last night. Isn’t it petty. I know it is, trust me, and it will change to unblock I’m a few hours maybe. I wanted some free ice cream right now at my aunt’s. And a thought just came to my the “my aunt’s” should be a name of a restaurant or food truck or something. It’s different and I’m different just like I am different than you and everybody else. We have similarities but some different. Well she just called back and I guilt her by saying she doesn’t never put to heart into getting my favorite ice cream at the store. My heading to see her right now.

Roller-Coster (life) Ride

Isn’t life full of surprises

Life is full of surprises. There are ups and downs. Sometimes, mostly down. Sometimes mostly up. Break up is hard. Family issue is hard. Work is hard. Pressure is hard. My heart beats fast. My voice hurts. Life has ups and downs. Sometimes there is ups. Sometimes there is down. I don’t know if life with no difficulty would be life at all. Life is full of tastes. I never get it right. Something goes wrong. I cry. I scream. I cry. And cry and cry and cry again. People let you down no matter what. They always will. Your loved ones. Your exes. All kinds and probably myself too. Maybe I’m the cause of it all. Maybe I am the one who’s at wronged at handling it. I don’t know what else to do. I’m not in control. I’m anguish. I’m hot (temperature and feeling). I have a wall up. Life has many tastes and flavors. If there is only sweet then how would I know about the other flavors. People will always let me down. Maybe this is pessimism. People probably will be a let down because, just like myself, they are not perfect. They really are not perfect and so am I. Even though I tried, I am still not. How am I going to fix this? I’m sad knowing that more than likely I can’t fix others or the circumstances. I can only fix my eyes and thoughts on God the Almighty. I thought I have it all right. I thought I pretty much figured it out. The truth is there is always going to be challenge to test my endurance. It’s like playing games at the next, next, and next level. It is life a game that always has another different levels. Life is too short to be unhappy. There is still beautiful and good. I know I have a weak spot for certain things. I know I have high expectations. And this would make me be single forever. I tired of feeling for someone I love. Feeling them disappoint me. Feeling them being less than cleaver. I honestly just wanted to live in peace and with sense of ease. I didn’t want to feel everything all the time. I know God’s always is in control and even the mist of the ugliest scenarios, He’s Still God.

Life and Its Comfort-zone

Sometimes, I battle with my own thoughts and ideas and I need to develop confidence to come up with a solid decision on how I feel and whether or not I could support my feeling. I’m not talking about a career goal. But something more trivial. I am talking about my dealing with people I work with. I honestly could say that i work better alone and like (what I’d like to think) most people, I love autonomy. Some people might do just fine working with others and actually enjoy cooperation. If not great, they are able to make it bearable, enjoyable, and stress-free. I, on the other hand, do feel like I’m closer to the point where I can be more myself working with about 7-8 people in such a tiny space where everyone is constantly bumping to each other. Feeling free and able to be mostly, comfortably myself at work is, if not, one of the most important aspect of a job because I can execute myself best when I feel flexible and free. Of course, I don’t think I could grow or developed as much if not for the challenges. However, challenges come in many different forms. This particular challenge was dealing with a co-worker who is not technically your boss but kind of your boss when the “Boss” is not around. Basically, this lady is a shift manger and she assigned who will do what and when and where at work of the day. I have to say that I actually really do enjoy working at this job. My pro is the pace of the job but my low is my superiors (obviously). She is annoying. Short and sweet evil. I don’t know if it’s my personality or what but my superior, well this particular superior doesn’t seem to like me. And honestly I could careless. I don’t really care. But it bogged me down of having to go to work with a tiny splinter on your foot that is bothering you here and there. I was ok with her. But the thing about me is that I appear confident more so than the average. I hate people taking advantage of me or just imply being a b****. I treat people with decency and I don’t usually like being rude to people without reason. I feel like people could take advantage of me and my kindness or decenci-ness at times. And this shift manager sort of demonstrated that. She made me into support which I don’t mind, because I’m just over with whatever position I preferred or not preferred. As long as it’s not obnoxiously changing then I, at least, see the reason of the switch. I was on oven in the beginning and I was doing good and she then decided to come over when they were big orders coming in and decided to switch to being a support. This stupid shift manger was like you’re running behind when I WAS NOT, she just barged in at the wrong time and I could explain to her that her interpretation was not accurate but I was to fed-up to argue and just dow whatever was asked. And thinking about it now that pissed me off! But at the point in time, I was like whatever, I can be at drive-thru taking orders. It’s easy and I do enjoy that too. It will be a change that just help me be more flexible. I was taking order for awhile until this manager decided to put me back on food again which being the decency person that I am, I was fine with it and was just over being picky or annoyed and etc. I simply didn’t care and simply did what was told. Period. Period. Period. Until, before the end of my shift, she asked me to do a crap ton of trash run which again I was just over it and simply did what was told. I bared and bared the entire day with this human-being. But it snapped at me when she decided to pull aside to talk about a bunch of bull crap. She was like “uh this morning, when I asked you too put up orders, instead of doing ice, I wanted you to listen better.” Cheese :). I replied that I didn’t have the headset on me when she said it and she was like “no, I told you not through the headset.” Ok, ok, ok, ok. Paparazzi. “Another thing, I noticed you have a body odor.” Me: “what, what does it smelled like.” Banana: “maybe it was something you ate…” Me: “What does it smelt like.” After a bunch of bugging she finally said it smelt like something burnt. It only took five years for that simple answer. Then it clicked me that my dad has been burning lemon peel to char off the mosquitoes and of course it got on my cloths and hair. She was just an idiot and I am no less off thinking of her that way. She said it was something pungent. And I also thought maybe she smelled my period? Even though I wasn’t on my period this morning but it was supposed on come today and it did in the evening. Anyway, after the hideous 7 min conversation, I decided to asked my other co-workers that being like 4 other people whether or not they smell something on me. And none of said anything. They are either lying or they just didn’t smell anything. Maybe this is because I’m on my first day of period and I just take things/comments personally or she was coming from a good, decent place, or simply couldn’t handle the smell, which so far no one noticed it except her. She said that she has been smelling it since yesterday which I admitted that it has been this week when my dad started the process. I didn’t like the Smokey odor but I didn’t mind it. Apparently she does. Here is why I am analyzing this situation. My feeling is saying that she is trying to reduce my confidence and I could come of as confidence and that can be intimidating to others especially if they’re in a position of power because I care but at the same time doesn’t care because I treat everyone pretty much the same but maybe not, well I hate people ordering me around and it is easy to tie or tamed me down. Maybe she felt a feeling of incorporation from me, which I honestly didn’t mean to come off that way. I literally don’t know how to act and maybe that is because I simply don’t take order well or she despised me. I tend to calmed myself most of time and felt that there is something I could do better always. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt before I blamed others. And it is not like I can’t or not tend to blame others. I see both side and sometimes, I second guessed myself or simply over thinking the situation. The zodiac said it is difficult to separate my feeling from my decision. It basically says that I may seem logical but cannot also put aside my feelings. I know I can take every comments, words, actions to heart/personally. I aimed for perfection and when it wasn’t being reciprocated then I felt unappreciated, frustrated, and annoyed. I feel hateful towards those in power. I felt like punching someone in the face. Sort of like that. Well not really. But I felt like I do ciew others with the best intentions but when they proved to me otherwise then I feel like they’re not worth anything. And that is probably twisted but I am nice until I’m not and it’s not easy not being nice. It hurt and tired me but I also felt like they deserved the cold shoulder and me not even seeing them in the first place. They’re invisible to me. Nobody. A no one. Nothing to me. Like something I didn’t even noticed or considered. I can turn cold and hostile and they will feel it. I don’t want to having to make anyone feel I like such but that’s my dark side. And I’m taking about it now and it’s not tha I’m proud of it. I drained me to treat someone like they’re nothing to me. I don’t like doing it but sometimes I can’t let them just treat me like crap and walk all over me and took advantage of my kindness. This type of people don’t deserved my noticing them. They’re nothing to me. And I don’t know if I can truly do that but again I hurt me too to that to someone. It makes me equally unhappy, gloomy, and dull. I’m not sure what else to vent about beside all the things I already wrote. I need to pray and ask God for what He wanted me to understand or blinded to recognize.