Talking to my friend helps a lot. I don’t know why but it did. It’s funny, but it did. Don’t settle for less, Cammmm. Don’t settle for less. Don’t. But if what I think he is not that bad. Well, don’t think like that because just don’t. Keep thinking about the bad things he did to you. The last thing you want is literally distraction. You have to be strong in the Lord. Strong. Strong. Shower and go to bed because tomorrow you’ll have a long day. A day that requires your energy
Emotion is running. Stomach twitching and spinning. I look for true love. I do. Isn’t it crazy. I’m not going to act rashly. In this tiring, I’m going to wait. Whatever I’m waiting on. I’m going to wait. One guy can’t complete me. I truly wish I could be looked at that way. That someone can look at me that way. Someone steady, dependable, and comforting. Someone not angry, easily upset, and unstable. I’m going to wait my Lord. You know all things–my flaws, lack of, imperfections. That person has them too, but somehow it will compliments mine. Perhaps I’ve not been at that stage, of being vulnerable with someone. Perhaps it has to be unlocked. I can’t choose to be vulnerable. The other person simply has unlocked it? That sense of peace. I yearned for it. I want someone who will bring me closer to you as well. You know that perfect timing. Help me with my dreams and goals, oh God. Broke my selfish heart, coldness, passive aggressive, self center ness, me ideology, and over sensitivity. I prayed Lord. I need you Lord. My life is a chaos from my own hands. It’s a mess. A broken, weary, painful mess. It’s burdensome. It’s selfish. It’s confusing. I’m scare of the future. My goals, dreams, and relationships. I am scare of my disappointments. That’s because I’m trying to take it in my own hands. I didn’t realized I made myself God. I try to take matter in my own hands instead of trusting you, relying on the one True God. No wonder, I created a mess. No wonder I experienced disappointment times and times again. I look a safe place, an everlasting joy in relationship. The one that is centered on you. I expected many things that resulted in dissatisfactions. No wonder my stomach felt queasy. I kept listening to others while ignoring your voice. I kept taking advice from other when I only to listen and be stilled. Jesus, please forgive for the mess I’ve created. I repented and I don’t want to take matter in my own hand, but to lay them at your feet. My dreams, goals, relationships, and people I give them all to you at your feet. I need you, Jesus. My heart long for your goodness. Help me to wake up with strength in order to go to church tomorrow. I don’t wan to look for anybody, Lord. I only want to look at you. I want to trust you. Please help me stay on task–to follow my Shepard. I’m weak, but you’re strong. I was lost and you found me.
I woke up thinking about him again. Yesterday was fine and I was distracted because I woke up getting on my phone. Honestly, I wonder how long this is going to last. I shouldn’t pay attention to it because it like when you’re at school or waiting and if you kept looking at the time, it would just appeared slower. It’s sad in my heart. I wonder why I think what we think. It should be extremely logical to simply decided to be done with someone and you can just be happy. This is interesting. I want to meet him but not him. I want to know the real him, but I don’t think I will be happy with the result. It seems like there is not much I can do. It is sadden. Why do I like something that is so not great, unstable. Why do I want something is I idealized about to be better. It’s absolutely stupid, because it doesn’t work like that. People are NOT going to change overnight on their own. They’re not. He’s a coward and has no gut. It’s sad how the only thing that he’s good at he uses it–compromise. He actually mean aka manipulation. It’s sad that I discovered it late until the 4 months. It is absolutely sad. But at least I’m out of it. “Now that you’re free, run.” God has someone better for me. He is preparing me to be ready too. He has the perfect timing.
I wonder why I wanted to go back to the pain. It is absolutely fascinating and weird. I want to fix thing. The fact that I say I can’t is limiting. I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back. I feel like something is missing. I have a feeling of pain in my stomach. It’s hard to describe. It’s this aching feeling that makes me not wanting to do anything. That makes me feel tired. If I could write to him. I had say:
Why did you manipulate? Why did you do that? Are you trying to fill the void of your ex? And you simply used me? It’s ok if you’re honest with me. I want you to be honest. I asked that me be honest. I don’t know if I can say I love you because right now I may confused loving and longing. I am not sure what I’m missing. I don’t know if I miss you (I don’t think I miss you) or I miss the idea of you. I miss your smell. I miss our cuddling. I miss it a lot. I don’t miss you telling, manipulating, deceiving, and your harsh words. You’re such a mean person. How could you be this mean. You were never really sincere. You were never. And it hurts me. You were nice because you wanted something else. I feel foolish. I feel used. I feel pain. People can say that after breakup, all this emotional is rather normal. I feel it. I feel it. I feel it. The pain. Loneliness. Sadness. Resentment. Madness. I feel like you just took me for granted. I don’t want to go back to you. You cause me a lot of pain. You are a harsh creature. Manipulator. Abuser. Lier.
I don’t want to think badly of you, but I do. I wanted to blame myself. But I picked up a bad fruit.
I hope, soon, this pain will pass. I hope to regain myself back. I made myself weak. My heart is tiring and that’s scary.
It made me think that guys are untrusted. I sort of trusted you, but at the same time I don’t. There was something off about you. That I can’t fully trusted. There were many unanswered concerns and so on. I want to ask you, but at the same time, I don’t think it’ll make anything better.
I am quite positive that you gone back to talk to your ex. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.
Today’s Thai’s mother day. And I have no word to describe who grateful I am for the strong, loving, courageous women God bought me into my life–my mom, my aunt Wiruya, my aunt Wimonrat, my aunt Patcharee, and my wonderful little sister Gift. These are the women in my life whom I feel in debt and their power lifted my a dark place in my life. They are my heroes. I love my Daddy dearly and very very very very much, but there are some conversations that my dad simply doesn’t reach me. Perhaps because we’re the opposite gender and perhaps biology is what accounted for. Women and men speaks differently.
I forever grateful for Bea, Cindy, and Patcharee because they’ve gone through similar situation therefore they could relate to how I feel more than my sister. Even though she too could feel what I feel and could tell when I’m feeling sad. I love these individuals in my life dearly and I am so thankful that God allow me to have them as my aunts and sister. I feel so grateful. Even though I been through tough time, but in these tough situations are when God reveals to me his love and show me who are the people that matter most to me. Bea is one of the significant examples. How could I also forgot my grandma! My grandma is definitely in the category. Bea has one of the biggest and most courageous heart I know. She is small, but very very strong. She is patience, loving, and honest. I feel absolutely blessed to have her in my life because she truly cares for me. Cindy is also another individual that I am truly grateful for. She is one of the strongest women I know. Whatever he tell me I know they come from a good place of her heart and intentions. Patcharee always give me a Godly advice. Whoever I spoke to her, it is as if the message comes from the Lord himself. Another successful women in my life is Dr. Pet, she has her way of talking that is quite wise.m even though we didn’t know each other very well. But her word of advice stuck with me.
Gift has her way of comforting me. She is my best friend. She has a special talent that could me laugh and it’s a joy to be around a goof ball. She has a big heart, generous, loving, and strong. I feel like whoever get to be with her, would be a very lucky guy because this sister of mine is simply awesome. I can’t name any horrible things about my goof ball. She is a joy to be around. She is not as emotional as I am. Our emotional side come from different source. But what amazed me is that Gift can tell when I’m feeling sad, down, awkward, disappointed, etc. she can feel me and that is rare
Never have I thought I had reminiscence other couples loving each other and I can only think back to once was mine. It wasn’t nearly as romantic or anything, but it was something that made me happy. Nostalgia is a word I’ve often heard after post break-up. It’s a word that I had no understanding of the meaning or even curious to look it up, by here I am hear it and beginning to learn what it means. I learned something about myself again every time I experience pain or disappointment. I don’t know if I inflict this on myself or not regardless it happened. I learned that I tend to dive into the moment. I eat it all at once, but also no willing to commit emotionally. I’m so much in tune to the presence and don’t like to think about the future or even the next day. I’m so much into the presence and I think it is a good thing. Some where on the internet said that this type of personality would be hard to stay in a long term relationship. I don’t disagree. Perhaps, I just not ready. Perhaps, I was hopeful, but I got shot down. Perhaps, perhaps, and perhaps. It’s sad, but I don’t know if I have to sad anymore. I’ve done that quite a bit already. More than I should because I think it is ok to be sad and let emotion flows. I still can do that easily. I know some people who are not willing to show emotion. I don’t think I’m ever like that. Emotion and how I feel can dictates many thing.
I like him. I like that he cared for me at times. But there are occasion where I questioned his genuineness. It seems like I was being fool this whole time. I don’t know if I am right but my guts say so.
I am capable of loving someone right? If I think it’s safe to do so?
Hey, so it has been while and I wanted to talk to you because I need to. I been thinking a lot, which is typically expected after post break-up. I don’t know if this is too early to do. I still have some emotion, but I simply have to know and I needed closure. I hope this is not too much to ask. All I ask is we talk and we could be open and honest with each other because I needed it and may be you need it too. All I want for this talk is honesty. Pure honesty. Whatever we’re feeling we need to address in order to help ourselves. I will be honest with you and I hope you can be honest with me. I genuinely want to end this better and if you wonder why, it is because it is better to do.
I knew from the start that I want to test it. I want to see how long it would last (meaning the relationship). I’ve told you that I am sort of a moment to moment person in a sense. I don’t plan things ahead. I just wanted to enjoy and let it happened. Sometimes though, emotion got the best of me and I tend to move quickly in relationship. I would have to say that most people would say that they don’t trust people easily. I might be included in those categories. I tend to test the relationship sometimes not even consciously knowing it. And I don’t want you to think that it is a game that I have to test, but I think it is how I determine the relationship. Perhaps I am not getting the result naturally, so I decided to test it. You may be confused as to why I need to test it. I will give you example, I call it a test, but it is simply events that happened and it is how I determine if someone truly cares because if they do then I know this is a good sign and if not then it is not. For instance, good sign for me in this relationship was you help tutoring me forever the reason may be. Or you stressing out for my exam, it shows that you care and that touch my heart. However, there were also other instances where I also think that you did not care, and before I give you examples, I wanted to clarify that this is not intended to make you feel negative because that is not why I am telling you this. This is how I feel and how I determined. For instance, when I mentioned stuff about your ex, you tend to get really upset with me. Or when we got into arguments you yell, slammed the door, or insult me. Basically for me that is verbally and emotionally abusive. You have told me that you loved me, but that is not love. There were other instances you said certain thing that I think was off that isn’t supposed to be said. like I won’t find another person like you that that my ex would get so jealous if she knows this, or that I didn’t give a damn about this relationship or that if this relationship were 50/50 then… There are instances where I want you to see that you were saying hurtful things and can be manipulative. I want to point this out because I am not saying intended to be attacking, that is not my intention, but I have to tell you, so that you can see it.
There is also another event that I thought was ridiculous was when you complain about having to carry groceries up the stair and you prefer to take the elevator instead, like that to me was just.
The reason why I am telling you instances where I felt weird about is because I want clarification as to why you were the way you were. like why did you yell at me, insult me, the stuff about your ex why could you not see that it was weird and abnormal, the pictures, the teddy bears, the cookies, the texting, the phone call, and amazon prime scenario, like you say you were over her and always was, etc. that you hated the new guy she was dating. like I couldn’t see it at the moment clearly because I was blind, but looking back like my gut was telling me that you kind of stuck there.
I want to know what was/is actually going on, so I can get perspective, so I can understand. I want your honesty that is all I am asking for. I hope that you can be honest with me.
The yelling part, when you say mean, hurtful, abusive things like did you know you were being hurtful, did you intended to hurt me because you felt hurt, so it is simply your way to hurt me back, is that why? Or is it trying to gain control to get what you want. Have you ever question yourselves why you acted to way you did? (did it make you feel better) You do realized the consequences of another person hearing it and how they would feel?
Or whenever I asked you to go to the gym, to play badminton with me, or to play pingpong with me? like why was it hard for you to go honesty? I wonder why.
About the sex thing too, I felt pressure into doing it. Also the birth control pill. I wanted to do it because I was curious, tempted, and I just wanted to know what it would feel like. Like people have said oh it is the best thing ever, I like I was just curious behind the psychology and biology. Another factor behind that I would say another reason why I did it was because the worrying side of me don’t want you to think that I didn’t trust or care about you. which by the way is absolutely such a bad reason because there are so many other way I can show you that I care or trust you and it doesn’t have to be having sex. So I simply wanted you to clarify. The reason why I mentioned this scenario is because for me love can wait, there is no rush, it shouldn’t feel force, it should just happened as the emotion of the couple deepen. and I think sex should feel so so much better. that is why people sometimes wait until they are marry because they’ve established that commitment and the bond is there. It is meant to unite the couple, make the 2 one. I think it is a wise area to wait to do that because imagine the person dating for 5-6 years without sex right and they fought, gone through crappy time, flight argument, misunderstand each other etc. but they’re still together despite the sex that they didn’t have, that prove something about that relationship, it proves that they care about each other beyond the physical side of thing that there bond are strong and committed. Super strong that they don’t need sex to prove it, so when finally they want to marry each other then sex is like something both of them can enjoy after marriage. Some may argue that they want to have sex with their partner before marriage in order to know if they each have sexual chemistry. This idea is wrong because it is shallow and shows that this couple is actually don’t know anything I’ve just say.
Anyway I did buy into the I want to maybe know if it would strength the bond perhaps, but I remember saying that but it doesn’t need to.
Again I am here to express my concerns, if you have some I will be honest with you and clarify it all.
I hope that we both could move pass this and end on a better term. You came into my life. I came into yours and we’ve known a little bit about each other. Even though, the feeling we experience are not the best one, I think what I want to do is to make it healthier and in order to do that I need your help. You may asked why you needed to help me, but I don’t know what else to say