I’m here sitting, eating my lunch. I might have saw somebody famous like 10 seconds ago. It was cool. He has a mask on. I couldn’t really tell. But it might be him! Ok, it wasn’t anyone famous. Never mind me. With a mask on disguise , anyone could be a celebrity. I heard many cool stories today working. For instance, one guy works as a pilot that came with his amazing wife. They both truly compliment each other. It was a joy to see. Another gentleman I met, works for Toyota. I chatted a bit and learn some cool stuff. It’s a blessing to be working and to have good, interesting conversations that I don’t just any day. More importantly, God did reminded me to love other more. People are diverse. They’re not one-size-fit-all type. And as He loves us, I, too, should learn to love better and be kind. Today and tomorrow will be fun. There’s this new, pink colored t-shirts that I’ve been intrigued to take a look at. So yeah, I’m ready to get back to work. It’ll be enjoyable.
I’m addicting to sour cream and onion potato chips (carb = sugar) and chocolate (sugar). Sugar are what these two things are, essentially. I need to stop. Stating with 2021, I’m quitting it cold turkey and will not try to even innocently try them because relapse is expected. Ferrero Roches are so good. Random thoughts. Those will be my new year resolution or to at least give myself a good, concrete reason to stop eating it. It needs to be O-V-E-R, over with.
I’d just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called the Minimalists. I see that it will be coming out soon, and I’d tried to watch it last week, but it hadn’t came out. It was meant to be that I finally gotten to see it today! And it wasn’t disappointing, but quite inspirational. I wasn’t hard for me to pick out what to watch on Netflix. I prefer anything that I can get out of and not mere entertainment–predictable plots and pointless fantasies. I am not saying that those are bad or evils, but it is boring, at least for me. Anyhow, I’m not here to bash those movies or t.v. shows. I’ve watch Queen’s Gambit and it was good!
Back to what I was originally was going to reflect on, is that more doesn’t necessity equivalent to becoming more happy. I supposed the saying of less (stuff) is more makes sense after having finished the documentary. We could argued as to why they (Joshua and Ryan) were to start this idea called minimalism. I’m not quite sure the idea were started by them or not, but they told the story in the documentary. Let’s just say, we could argued that these two guys were probably ought to make more money too. Regardless of their intentions or motivations. They simply shared their ideas with the world and it made me think that I don’t really need to the the things I thought I needed to be happy. The things that I have right now, I am ok and perhaps I was chasing after the wrong, false ideas of what it means to be happy and to live a meaningful life. Ok I’m 23 years old and a recent college graduate. I don’t know exactly that it is to live a meaningful life. These saying seemed to have been introduce before, but I am still not sure what it means.
The documentary definitely didn’t say to throw away everything you own and live with like a toothbrush and one pair of jeans. It did, however, wanted to inspire us to be thoughtful to ourselves and what we need and for our planet. The world wants to sell us stuff. The idea is more and more, which we don’t really need. It makes me wanted to get rid of my stuff that I definitely sure I don’t need.
Lsat night (even having watch the show), I felt like decluttering my Spotify playlist. I had this playlist I called LBB-ACT that I use to open when I drive home from Lubbock to Waco. Anyhow, I decided to focus on the songs I actually like to listen to and simply forget about the ones I skipped. I has a total of 15 playlists before the reorganization but by the end of the night I had more total of playlists than started, but they are all more organize and I could still condense them easier now if I needed to in the future. I ended up with 23 playlists with only a few songs that fit its category. I felt better about my Spotify playlist that can still be improved. Perhaps this is the beginning of what’s more to come. There are always things to look forward to every year. I’m excited this up coming season of life. I feel like life is still good and exciting to explore. It might be ending soon, but I don’t want to waste my life.
I’m thankful for my family even though I cannot always talk to them. I’m not sure if I just couldn’t talk to them or I don’t allow them to or given their chance. I’m not quit sure. And maybe I do, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’ve always just live in my own world. I often time, wanted to get away and live by myself. I have that thought whenever I had a disagreement with my dad. The things we asked of off each other are great things. In fact, if we followed them, it makes me a better person. The fact is nobody could fully change me, only God cans. And maybe one day I will simply do what he says. Maybe one day I would love and care for him more. Maybe one day I could be less selfish and be more gentle to him. Only one day. Only one day. There is fight or flight. I like to have ideas of flight. I just wanted to get away and do my own thing. I really do, but I felt like I would have to repay my dad for that he has done for me. It felt like a burden and that isn’t love, but more like debt. Like he might be invented in the wrong thing, which is me. I am about living my life, but I couldn’t have done or have what I have today without him as my supporter. I don’t think it is a debt, but more of a gratitude. I wanted to be good to him and be nicer to him and make him feel love. He loves me so much more than I could possibly understand. But at the same time, I wanted all this things in life partially for him too. I wanted him an easy life–a mice house and a spot that he enjoys. I wanted him to be happy for all the things he has done for me. I wanted to reply him for taking care of me every single days and for loving me all my life. It is a lot of pressure. It really is. And maybe I don’t really need all of those things for him to be happy. I just need to make him happy with what I have, which is time, good conversations. and maybe a nice meal once in while that Cook for him. That’s really all that he needs. God honestly given me wisdom to reflect and discern things, but I will surely ask Him that I could follow through. I don’t have to achieve all these great awesome thing in life, but with what I have he is important to me more than anything or anyone could offers. My dad is my sort of inspiration that I had forgotten and stupidly ignored, abused, and taken for granted. He is the most important thing in my life that I didn’t cherish. My family, the people closest to me are the most important thing in my life. And I want them to be happy.
I don’t trust myself because from past experienced I knew that my intentions aren’t most pure. I don’t trust it. I trust God, but I don’t trust myself. I know I got x,y, and z to work on and I messed up on a daily basis. Whom am I to have all that accountability and be there for someone when I don’t even know if I could help–even myself. I am scared of being caught up in the messes of people’s lives that seems to enter mine. I have been hurt from others and myself in the past when I got caught in their sins and life decisions. I am not the person to be counseling anyone right now. And I don’t even know if I will be effective at doing so. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and mine. A lot of it is me trying to make them better, but neither am I. And that person needs a friend and I don’t know if that is his purest of intentions. I trust my intentions often times and it is telling me that I don’t believe he would hold me accountable. I have to hold myself accountable–carrying the load. If being friend is the intention then I might could be one, but it is also up to the person to have the same goal. God is bigger than all my fears, but I don’t know which side to take or which decisions to make. I am clueless and I don’t want to make another mistakes I’ve made in the past. And I am not quite sure if I would be communicating effectively. People say stuff easily all the times, but do they have the conviction to change and actually do that they say would do. I trust myself, in this categories, than I do with other, specialty people that are grey in the friendship or not friendship area. But at the same time, right now at this stage in life and from what I gathered, I will not date, but look at them as a brother. Perhaps this should be the approach. Too view them as a brother in Christ. And just feel like he has many baggages more than I could handled. And I don’t know if I have the patient and the sympathy to be the person to be there for someone when I barely know them. Anyhow, I don’t trust in this process. I trust God, but what is He telling me.
I don’t know why I inclined to title this blog as the winter hormones. But someone once told me that people (in general) are more incline to find someone to be with in the winter than I supposed other times because they idk need warmth or most people feel lonely during winter, so they would be more likely to find someone to idk cuddle with or something. I find his saying to be interesting and it really made me think for like 10 seconds, but yeah. I guess that is somewhat true in a way. From observing my pattern, I tend to (and I don’t know why there is this pattern) date people in January, be in a relationship in February, date until March, considering breaking around April and end in June and July. I have been in two romantic relationships in the past. Both are during my college years. These dating or get-together often started around January and February, so right after the major holidays of Christmas and New Year. Dating during holidays are such tests though. And these are perfect times. No holidays, no complications. No plans. I would date them for 4-5 months and then break-up when summer comes around. So far, it happened the same way, which ok I’m not trying to sound like I have psychological problem, but springs are for dating. Summers are for getting over break-ups. Winters are hibernating and enduring through the boringness of not being able to really go outside. And honestly, I Felt that today. It was cold and rainy and I literally googled what could one do on a cold, rainy day.. I was bored and sleepy. I wanted to go skating outside, but of course the floor are wet! I tried to play PubG and man it wasn’t fun. I endured it by attempting to sleep and finally I did. I woke up ate something delicious my dad made and trying to finish some beez-swags. Oh, before I started on the beez-swag, I decided to drive to sonic, in the cold, to get my small Oreo sonic blast. And it was a sweet, satisfying blast the entire maybe 30 spooning sessions. Anyhow, i got really depressed (not literally) when it was all gone and I was already thinking of going to another one called Andy’s Frozen custard for a second blast-est because they closed at 11 pm. 🙂 I literally could do that right now and heck do I want to on this cold, boring winter nights. I will be fat by spring and I think I am ok with that as long as I feel good about myself coming out of winter chunky. Ok, I won’t be feeling super lovely being fat. But, I don’t know, my body, weirdly, as of now at least, metabolize crap I ate like crazy. I should be waking up starring on my 600 lbs life (making my sup-star money) but (as of now) my thyroid is hyper reacting so, I don’t know, I just don’t really look fat, but i sure feel that way and maybe not enough to do anything about it (yet). I feel like all of this is going to injure me later tho. It is like a debt I collect on my body and one day, you wouldn’t actually be surprised to actually recognize me on TLC, living the life. Maybe that could be a gateway to try DWTS too! Man, I really frekin wanted an SMALL Oreo’s Custard from Andy’s and if I go right now, I would make it before they closed. My dad would literally butcher me alive though. Heck, I really wanted to gooooo. This is torturing and maybe I really do have psychological problems. 1. I’m obsessed with soft serve ice creams. 2. I eat too much in general. 3. I craved crap at the most unfavorable time of the day which is before bed. 4. I act like a Marsha from Snicker commercial when I’m hungry. 5. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAIDDDD TO MEHHH. 6. WANTT TOO SAY THAT AGAINNN
It’s weird because I don’t know what I am feeling exactly. For sure, I know that I will feel better if I find a better job that pays better etc. It felt sort of like breaking up with my 2nd ex. You may asked how? Well, I felt like there isn’t much that I can do to fix the situation. Even though there is always a way or may I say ways to make the situation better. But somehow there is a part of me that refused and too stubborn to try to make things better because I refused to compromised myself or perhaps what I believe in. I refused to compromised fitting myself and lost myself. I don’t know if this mentality is good or bad or neither. (Yes, this mentality is bad). I’m regretful because I felt like I just gave up, unwilling to fix—quit. I felt like there could have been more that I could have done. But I just simply left without any difference. That’s what sort of disappointing to me. I arrived just as quickly and left just as quickly. It was like I wasn’t even there and my occupying the space was just erased and never really existed. I didn’t left any impression or end on the best note. I felt like I could have done more and somehow figure what were wrong. I felt like there is a part of me that I could controlled about myself. And maybe I am wrong in the matter. (Yes, you were). Maybe this is God’s plan all along. Maybe these are some of the lessons he wanted me to learn. Maybe this is the reason and maybe this is what this job meant to me. I don’t want to resist and regret the decision I’ve made. (And you did). I didn’t plan on it ending this way. Anyhow, my aunt would say to me that I will get over my ex when I find a way better man. And that maybe true. I will get over this job that I lost if I found a much better opportunity else where. (But the problem will carry over to the next bf or jobs). I hate the fact that I didn’t overcome it. I didn’t like the fact that I didn’t endure long enough to overcome. I don’t even know if there is a good outcome to the story. It is like a game you invested so much time in but maybe it’s not winnable or have a clear, celebrated victory. Maybe I expected too much of a happy ending (yes maybe a little) that it is good on its own but acceptance is what I am gaining to the story—learn and accept the mistakes, be kind to myself, accept the fact that it had already happened, be kind to myself and be graceful to myself. Learn from the story and try to make the next time around better. As for future reference, I will have a follow-up to the story in how I will prevent and improve the possible scenarios. Sometimes there isn’t a clear right or wrong but a combination. Anyhow, next time around, hopefully, I will be better equipped and if not I would need to relearn it again. And possibly waste my time.
I didn’t want to be misleading, but I got the resolution. To think about other more than myself. My with dad, with bosses, with most people. Think about them. More. I feel like I can lose myself doing that and it made me low key worry. Like I don’t want to give to other because it sounds like I’m giving in to them and it makes me feel vulnerable because they can take advantage of me. Except my dad. I will think about him more. I feel like people can take advantage of me. And I feel like I should trust Jesus more for having this mindset. I’m confused. And confused is where most people fall into. And I shouldn’t be and follow God’s way. His way is narrower.
Well I had this very delicious Indian food and I would definitely have it again! Even today! Well, I’m here at working early after I had calling in but I think I’m ok. Anyhow, I feel like it’s hard to prevent it. I feel pretty good, I taste everything. I think I’m just really tired from yesterday that today I feel better because I got more sleep but not like I don’t feel anything.
So I finally had the “hard” conversation with my manager. I basically said that I’ move sincerely wronged and she was right. I viewed it and was grateful for everything. If I’m being honest I was wrong and I haven’t return my word about my mistakes. It opened my eye. More than actually typing this reflection I need to pray to God for direction and guidance on what to do in case I got an a job at the hospital. If I didn’t get it then no question asked, everything goes back to normal and I would asked my manager to retract my 2-weeks noticed. I have to wait and see and find out. I honestly need to know the answer to decide. It pays better and I’ve always wanted to work in the hospital. But I still feel like my due at my current morning job has not been repaid. I felt like there are some room I can still grow. I want to get my hand back though. I want to get my hand and strength back so that I can do all the work. Also, my energy. Tomorrow is a Saturday. I felt like I was being too much flog I bring my potluck desert to my morning job. I don’t know. There is nothing wrong but I didn’t want to give a wrong impression of staying. I maybe again over thinking it. It shouldn’t have been complicated. If you feel that it’s a right ok thing to do then do it. If it’s too late then it’s too late. I think I’ll be ok if I didn’t get any of the job. That means both of them aren’t for me get and that’s ok. God always has a plan and always with me. I will not be afraid. I won’t be when all these times. He has been guiding me all through my weaknesses. I will not worry and doubt God’s goodness and provision doesn’t matter where He takes me. I will follow and obey his provision for me. It’s honestly very interesting that things turn out the way it unfolded. I would never thought any of this would happen and I know this was for me. It was part of the story. God knows I’m afraid about anything. I worry people would take advantage of me. I had to all wronged in my head and I’m glad God helped me see what I was blinded to. I’m thankful for 2019-2020. It has been such a good, important years of my life. I want to grow with God. I do—working with people and at my morning has shaped me to see some of my hidden sins. This will be lessons I will come back to whenever doubt sets in. God has perfectly planned each and every steps of the way. He careful and loving provision for my life. He intended for me to grow. And I don’t regret having prayed for what I had. I want to grow and improve and be more like Him. So that I can be some light for others on darkness. Regardless of how I felt disappointed or vulnerable. There is a bible verse that said something about getting rid of self to be filled with Christ.
I never quite planed on quitting actually that was a lie, I’ve always planed on transfer, which means I’ve always wanted to leave this job and move to a different location closest to my house. Right now, I’ve been thinking hard about changing my mind regarding my two weeks noticed. I didn’t want to quit just yet because I felt like I haven’t given my best to be a better person. Do I feel like I could still grow under D? I feel like I could, and I did she that she was actually trying. I am sort of trying too. I could try harder but it does take lots of practice and commitment. To say that I will try won’t do any good if my heart and soul are not supporting my decision. And if I am being honest, working with Dana helped me grow quit a bit for only within short time. Not even at my other (second) job because they were more accommodating and willing to work with me and be nice and gentle. Well, this particular, is like an emergency room, but for some reason I am heavily attracted to and there was this challenging aspect I hope to over come. Anyhow, tomorrow I think I am going to let D know if I could change my heart and continue in this hardship. I am fearful but at the same time, I don’t think this type of opportunity come by very often in life and it would be extremely stupid of me to let it pass by and to simply stand still.
Dear Dana, I don’t know what you saw in me. I am thankful for bearing and chosen me and still somehow didn’t neglect me. You could have simply ignored me and that would actually be much worse. I want to grow and I want to be a better person working in the morning shift. I am not going anywhere until you tell me to go. You asked whether I wanted to be here and I am said I thought about it a lot but I haven’t thought it long enough to decide. I am actually not done. My job here isn’t finished yet, and I don’t want to run away from what I think is hard to come by. I know I made my decision to go and now I’m asking you to take me back. And you have all the power and I respect it entirely.