What a day

I’m almost done my my first day. People are just being people. I never thought I’d got to this point where I’m actually criticizing. Like I actually have an opinion now. It was not an easy day. Physically, it was hard. But mentally not so much. I did like it more than dispatch just for the space I have a bit. Some room to breath because at the old job, it was just too cramped for me. This job, yes, it’s hot, heavy, and hard. Mostly mindless. Physically yet, I won’t have to really interact with people and I would get away with it and it would be fine. This situation makes me appreciate and realize what I needed to do with my life. I realized that I wouldn’t want to have just any jobs for the rest of my life. And it made me even more appreciate that I need to not work in such a laborious job. I genuinely wanted something better.

Working, standing, and being in a hot temperature really drained me. Today was first day and I’m exhausted. Tomorrow I’m going to take it easy. Slower, fewer mistakes, and peace. Just like the most jobs I’ve had, this one pays the bill but also nothing. At least most customers are really nice because you’re helping bag groceries. It would be rude for them to be mean to the bagger since we hold that powers within us.

I’m speaking now after eating, we frankly quite finish Alcohol

Well tomorrow I’m going to start a new job

I don’t think I’m going to get super duper excited. I’ve had many job experiences, many new events, first days, and last day. I think this will be a new change. I don’t think it’ll turn out bad especially with what I had going for. I’m excited. People and family are all excited for me. For my upcoming plan. I’m also excited. But I do want to keep this up—make it come true. I wouldn’t know unless I try and find out! It just can’t go to waste. I get to do this. I get to live this. I get to dream and be excited for something.

Yes, I eat alone at a busy restaurant

One thing I love about Rosa‘s cafe is that the restaurant decided to where you mostly help yourself and required no tipping. Even though there is someone cleaning up after me, but one technically waited table for me. So like I like that aspect that I just do my one thing and like it much better not tipping. I’m cheap and broke and I feel that i as a customer shouldn’t have to pay on behalf the restaurant for the employees that works there. They can pay their own staff and it should be that way. Tipping shouldn’t be expected but as an option or when the service is appreciated. So yea, one of the few things I like about Rosa’s is the non-tipping setting, one you can eat salad bar, and self-serving attitudes, so no one typically have to take care of you. I feel that most people don’t prefer to eat alone or do anything socially expected to be “social” alone such as eating at a restaurant, going out for movies, or playing certain sports alone. I admit that this might be the first time I’ve ever eaten alone at a restaurant. I’ve eaten alone many times in life, but just not at a restaurant. I haven’t watch a movie alone in a public theater, however, I maybe I’ll try it one day. I know a friend who had gone to a move alone. With that being said, you are not going to get arrested for doing anything alone that is technically legal. But i guest it’s not the “social norm” on what most people do. We are so much dictate by what other people is doing. We tried to do the things that are socially acceptable or to not be seen as weird. Now that I thing about it, I could care less that people might think and most if not all are busy people that also could care less. I feel like I genuinely (most of the time) do what makes me happy and more or less be a better person. But eating alone in public isn’t that bad when one I’m a slow eater and two it’s more convenient and cost effective to eat at a restaurant than take-out. I can’t believe I actually finished the entire Taco Tuesday Plate with two big salsa bowls and will eventually be my desert, freshly made tortillas. I did my mile run today, notice I said, mile not miles. I only did a mile with some variation of walking. Anyhow I finished my one mile run and I feel happy for that. I cleaned off my plate. Took my time eating, trying to sit straight one on a while when reminded to do so. I don think I’m going to take my left over salsa bowls home and that is because it was barely any left. And I know I’m not going to eat it again this week, so there is no point to take it home with me. Also I’m glad the restaurant is noisy enough that when I burped, no one could technically hear. I’m full and finished with the meal. I’m going to go home and make me a honey tortilla, make with real honey. This was a fun experience as I feel like it’s socially acceptable to do most thing alone. I did my running alone, so my not eating at a busy restaurant on Taco Tuesday.

I quit my job

There is fear, fear of the unknown, of insecurity, of struggling financially. I don’t know what I’ll be doing from now. I just know that I can’t “chill.” I know what I can’t settle even if it will be easy to do. I kept sneezing blood. I don’t know if it’s just to hot that my blood vessel in the nose expand or what. I’ve thought of idea of a job. This one would fit almost my every box. But I don’t know if I’ll be good to sustain it. Where do I even start. I need to rely upon God in this time of uncertainty and fear. There is anxiety settling in the more I think about it. I don’t know if I made the right choice.

Good feeling tires

Have you have been quite tired after a long work day that once you’re done, it provides a weird, focus, and good feelings. I’m done with work at 10 pm and here I am sitting in the car listening to music that suits my current mood. Out of nowhere I wanted to listen to a particular song that I didn’t even have it on my playlist. It’s funny, but I think the song basically said something about “I am fine, don’t worry.” It’s funny because perhaps that’s what I was subconsciously telling myself right now.

Anyhow, it had been raining in Waco, TX for the past 2 days now and so there were mud puddle everywhere. I stomped on one today and it made my black, leather slip-on shoe wet. Coincidentally, about 2 years ago, I did the exact same thing with stepping into a mud puddle at a park and that ruined my favorite light green, leather, slip-on shoe. It’s not fun as who knew where that mud puddle has been and what kind of bacteria it has. Luckily (hopefully) my foot doesn’t have any wounds or cuts, otherwise, I will have a bad bacterial infections.

I’m tired right now that part of my hyper alert brain sort of just let go and not worry or try to be in rush for something. Talking about work, today I had a customer that has my ex’s name, it was not that bad. I didn’t reminisce negatively or anything which was goal.

My dad and I work together and we pretty much make a good team. We’re both at different things which makes it beneficial and complimentary. I genuinely had a not-bad day, so I’m grateful.

More importantly, I am really appreciate of my dad. He is the best. I love him so much. We have our ups and downs, but now, we have been on a good streak! So now, I’m not too worried about him, which in turn makes me happy.

Funny as I was typing, my front passenger tier got flat. So now my dad is changing the tier. Good thing he knows how to, otherwise, it’ll cause to have to wait and pay some extra fees since it’s night time. I hope we have all the tools to take off and on the tier. If not, it’ll be a problem. So turned out, he doesn’t have all the tools and we’re at the grocery store, closed to our house, so that great! So he’s walking home to grab needed tools to fix the tier.

I almost forgot that I was (and sort of am now) hungry. But I’m enduring it and will not eat now since it’s late and usually if I’m going to go sleep within an hour or two, I try not to eat. The reason may be controversial and it’s my personal choice as I would do what’s best for me. Not saying that I haven’t eaten late late in the past, I obviously had. But long term, I don’t think so, as my body will metabolize slower, which means I’m going to gain weight. The goal now is that I delay my gratification in order to not get fat now or later or whatever. I’m short, so being fat is not an option. Luckily (or not I don’t know, probably lucky), I grew up in a family that cares about health and stuff which makes it easier to control. My dad is health conscious and so is my mom. She used to be not be so much, but because of my dad, she began to understand the importance of taking care of our body.

Change a subject to something else that has been bothering me. I have this pimple inside my nose and it hurts ;(. It is even something I can pick because it’s like located in between skin. It’s not providing inside my nose where I could touch. It turn but it’s no there. Beside this fact, I also quitting my current full-time job. Am I sad, a little. And I asked God for some clarity and He gave it to me as I thought it might have been a good decision than before. I have in my 2wks, but it does seem to be a longest 2-week for me ever

Side note, one of the important tools need to successfully take of tiers has officially broke. So now my dad, once again, is hunting for tools. This sucks both way. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could help but when it comes car stuff i simply don’t have the knowledge to help. I should learn, yes. But uh, yeh.

Back to why I say the longest 2 weeks ever and that’s because I had never had to wait for the 2-wks. I always turned in my 2-wks noticed, most of the time, the employers just let me leave. But his job is different as they actually made me stay the entire 2-wks.

Anyhow, I’m calling road side assistance with the insurance. Hopefully, they can come help soon.

Annoyance

Genuinely, like expected, no one would support me. And they meant well, but they’re not me. I’m burned out so anything wouldn’t be nice and sweet. Am I making a wrong decision, what am I going to do. I don’t know. I feel sort of weird, I guess, for once, I’m not worried about making money. Listening to my good mood music really help. I’m glad I have good music to relax to. It makes me want to travel to the rural part of Italy or Ireland.

Here I am..

.. expressing myself, not knowing what career path I choose. I feel like I know what I wanted but somehow fear of making a mistake.

I exceeded the maximum login on my laptop, so here I am.. writing on my phone. I’m feeling lost of motivation. The cure you may asked? A good Chinese food. I am not searching for job, but mind I say, career. Even the idea of the word itself is scary, why? It’s because I feared being stuck in something I’m unhappy with. I feared wasting my time on something that is just isn’t for me. I took a career test or this aptitude test, someone had told me to take. Anyhow, the fact that I don’t know what I’ll do makes me upset at people who tried to tell me what to do. I’m sure they meant well, but I took it as annoyance. I’m stuck. I’m not happy with this new job I got. And the question I have is whether I should stay, make money and perhaps try to be patience and study on the job or quit all together because I didn’t want to go to work anymore. I tried delivering food and that is also very boring. The question I now have for myself is whether I wanted to work or not in this life. It seems like everything is a means to end, day-in-and-day-out. I don’t know if I would ever work now since everything seems boring or will eventually gets boring. I wanted to be a doctor. I should go for it. Like do it. Regardless of how far reaching it many seemed and I’m scared. I’m really scared of the work like studying for the MCAT. I’m really scared of that. Of failing. I lost my motivation. I lost my sense of self. I starting to feel worthless—with no purpose, no goal. I become bored. And I don’t know what to do.

Is there such thing as living like you haven’t work a day in your life? Well right now, I feel like working everyday. I wanted a house for my family and if I quit the job now then it would be harder to obtain that. I don’t know what to do. I want to get away. I’m tired of working like life is a mean to an end. I genuinely feel like I need to reassess myself and my priorities. Most importantly, I need to stop feeling like I have to work to support people. I need to don’t care what people think for my decision. I need to start living for myself. I need to come up with a plan I genuinely never created. I need to come up with a plan to quit this job and look forward to something else. Life is too short to be unhappy.

What’s happiness

I’m 23 yo and I’ve had over 10 plus jobs during my life time. Most jobs i quit is justifiable because i was in school and it’s hard to keep them period. However, after I graduated college I had this plan of going to medical school stalled. I decided to get some type of jobs while quarantining. I ended up with 2. I like them both, but being the person I am, I couldn’t last in those jobs. I ended being Fire from one and quit the other. I got a new job. And that job, right now, makes me question a lot of things—as to the reason why I couldn’t hold a job. I don’t get along with people I work with. I seek harmony in what I do. But I searched none in existence. I don’t get along with my co-workers and so call bosses. It made me question my inadequacies. What’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with me. Why am I not happy. Why am not get it already. Self-doubt and emotional turmoil consumes me. I thought the would was too harsh for me. I thought I can trust no one but my family. I started to resent people on the street, anyone, anywhere. I stated to dislike people and see them as pest. I don’t like what I do. And I wanted to pursue my own path. I wanted to start my own business and be my one boss. I don’t have to answer to anyone. I won’t have to pretend, so I could get along with people, so they could like and train me. I don’t like bosses. Most of them that has been bosses for a long time especially. These are people who forgot what it was like to be at the bottom.

I thought of a different possibilities for a job for my own business. I want to be independent.

Well..

I don’t think i am the easiest people to deal with. Yes, being liked and not offending anyone is ultimately the goal because when they catch me at the wrong mood or moment, it usually doesn’t turn out well, especially on first impression. It’s somehow the first impression thing for me. Whether or not. I’m react to things quickly and i don’t always know how to handle them especially when dealing with someone i automatically assumed we’ll have differences. I need to take a breather when I realized I’m in a stands-offish mood, which I can be when I’m tired. I couldn’t quite regulate my emotions well when i’m tired. Today after work was a great example. I said the wrong thing when I was tired. It was horrible and I regretted it. I also tends to incorrectly assess situation. Anyhow, I’m glad for this discovery, so that in the future I could handle the situation better.