Well..

I don’t think i am the easiest people to deal with. Yes, being liked and not offending anyone is ultimately the goal because when they catch me at the wrong mood or moment, it usually doesn’t turn out well, especially on first impression. It’s somehow the first impression thing for me. Whether or not. I’m react to things quickly and i don’t always know how to handle them especially when dealing with someone i automatically assumed we’ll have differences. I need to take a breather when I realized I’m in a stands-offish mood, which I can be when I’m tired. I couldn’t quite regulate my emotions well when i’m tired. Today after work was a great example. I said the wrong thing when I was tired. It was horrible and I regretted it. I also tends to incorrectly assess situation. Anyhow, I’m glad for this discovery, so that in the future I could handle the situation better.

I’ve been writing more

i wrote, but more like type for 3 days straight. It’s very interesting indeed. I guess i have more to say these past three days. But what am i about to say. I believe, no, i know, we’re all individually made. However, in those uniqueness, improvement still is needed within those uniqueness. Somehow or another, God shown me what i need to see and hear. I know that betterment if self wont stop. I feel like it would ruined my individuality but in reality we always grow. That’s why our taste in music changes. Weird. I like to admit that i like change, and i fact, i enjoy it. I do. However, when it comes to changing who i am, but more like improving who i am. I felt vulnerable and reluctant. I felt as if what makes me who i am and uniquely me will make me boring and ordinary. It’s a scary thought. I can feel things and yes, i can be emotional. But it’s more of how i deal with them in a way. Im ok for the most part, am i tho. Or am i trying to hide something i rather forget about. I don’t want to say i’m ok when i was afraid. Im afraid of what mean improvement. I believe God is in control. It takes courage to admit. I admit that i need courage to admit that i need to change for good to be better. Im glad i get to type this out.

My life is a blessing

I’m so thankful for my sister. What did I do to deserve her—to even have her as my one and only. She cares very much for me. She hasn’t caused me any burden ever. She always makes me so proud of her. I’m always proud and grateful for her. She’s one of a kind—a quite special lady who protects and cares for me and the rest of the family. She never ceased to make me laugh. She’s the silliest, funniest, the most wonderful girl. She cares and hears everything I tell her. What did i do to deserve such a wonderful other half. I give thanks to also my mom and dad who gave me her. And mostly i thank God for allowing me to be born in this family who cares so so much for me. I love them with all my heart and i want to make them proud. I love you, Gift. I’m so grateful for you. I love you and thank you for being the best sister I could ever have to brag and hold on to the earliest memories we have together. Im glad to be called your big sister. You’ll always be my little one. I love you munchkin.

I’m mostly grateful

I was playing kahoot and so i had my autocorrect turned off so that the answer which consisted mostly of abbreviations wont be autocorrect to incorrect answers. Besides this fact, i’m just feeling like typing/writting my thoughts. It’s one of the things i like to do once in awhile. I mostly do it when i would like to relieve some tensions and reflect in what really matter because the problem can seems like the biggest thing i face right now, but in reality, it’s very small. It gets me flustered and angry, but honestly I shouldn’t feel that much anger towards what happened than to actually take a deep breath and say that honestly it’s ok. Everything is still a blessing. Even in the midst of what i thought was so exaggerated horrible, wrong and stupid. It wont be stupid if i can wrestle with it. In fact, i need to come to a realization that God has given me wisdom to handle even the toughest situations i could possibly gone through. The situation that I thought was the most painful will equipped myself in the long-run. For who knows unforeseeable occurrences. Life is good at the end of the day. To be able to live is a blessing. And i couldn’t have come to this conclusion if not for the Wisdom of God who so loves me, my family and everyone. Im glad that i’ve had the chance to reflect instances. I hope to learn more and more and to grow along side my God. I pray that my heart will always be yearning for Christ, His Words and Wisdoms, Thankfulness and Love.

Contested point of view

It’s difficult to argue with just anyone. It’s lucky to find people who come from a place of understanding yet they might as well be arguing, but it was civil, patience, respectful, and kind. Argument should be rooted in love—full of love. Everything’ll be accomplished if we love the other person on the receiving end. I’m writing this because I’ve made mistakes I’m feeling contempt towards them and they are the person I love. I just didn’t love them quite as much as if we were not arguing or debating. She brought up a very contested issue that has been happening and we heard all about it on the news. It’s challenging to escape the brokenness. Most areas have anything and everything but love, kindness, gentleness, and meekness. Many words that are held upon are power, money, and strictly right or wrong answer. It was center around the pronoun self, me, but not nearly enough we and us. There seemed to always you’re wrong and I’m right mentality revolving back and forth. Where’s love and kindness. The only true right and wrong are provided by God and Him alone. His guidance and principles are right and anything but His is wrong. Hatred of any sorts are wrong. Inequality, injustice, selfishness, and hostility are wrong and will result in consequences. Loving oneself above others is sinful and politics are areas where most people think themselves as expert that has fallen short in the glory of the Most High. Most (including myself) have focus on the incorrect agendas. We simply were missing the ultimate purpose of existing on Earth. With anything and everything we do should be for God’s Glory. Anything outside of this is sinful and therefore wrong. There is an ultimate right and wrong under the Laws of God’s. Any other ultimate purpose without rooting in Him are simply false, temporary, and plain wrong. Therefore, any pressing issues human face on a daily basis, if not directed to the teaching and the Words of Christ are dangerous. Any issues aren’t bigger than God, the Creator.

Any issues are truly convincing with God being the true source.

I’ve been guilty and fallen short on this area pertaining to politics and social dilemmas. I’ve fallen short in these subject areas because I focus too much on stuff that aren’t really matter. It was an ongoing wheel of frustration and anger. It was a cycle of wrong directions over and over again. Nothing’ll change unless we could agree that Jesus is King. All arguments could not be made unless Jesus, which is the basis could be established between the two or more people in the progress. Nothing will be accomplished if this ultimate factor couldn’t be agreed. It would be challenging but God can still work through all things…

It has been awhile 2.o

I’m here sitting, eating my lunch. I might have saw somebody famous like 10 seconds ago. It was cool. He has a mask on. I couldn’t really tell. But it might be him! Ok, it wasn’t anyone famous. Never mind me. With a mask on disguise , anyone could be a celebrity. I heard many cool stories today working. For instance, one guy works as a pilot that came with his amazing wife. They both truly compliment each other. It was a joy to see. Another gentleman I met, works for Toyota. I chatted a bit and learn some cool stuff. It’s a blessing to be working and to have good, interesting conversations that I don’t just any day. More importantly, God did reminded me to love other more. People are diverse. They’re not one-size-fit-all type. And as He loves us, I, too, should learn to love better and be kind. Today and tomorrow will be fun. There’s this new, pink colored t-shirts that I’ve been intrigued to take a look at. So yeah, I’m ready to get back to work. It’ll be enjoyable.

Addiction

I’m addicting to sour cream and onion potato chips (carb = sugar) and chocolate (sugar). Sugar are what these two things are, essentially. I need to stop. Stating with 2021, I’m quitting it cold turkey and will not try to even innocently try them because relapse is expected. Ferrero Roches are so good. Random thoughts. Those will be my new year resolution or to at least give myself a good, concrete reason to stop eating it. It needs to be O-V-E-R, over with.

Minimalism

I’d just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called the Minimalists. I see that it will be coming out soon, and I’d tried to watch it last week, but it hadn’t came out. It was meant to be that I finally gotten to see it today! And it wasn’t disappointing, but quite inspirational. I wasn’t hard for me to pick out what to watch on Netflix. I prefer anything that I can get out of and not mere entertainment–predictable plots and pointless fantasies. I am not saying that those are bad or evils, but it is boring, at least for me. Anyhow, I’m not here to bash those movies or t.v. shows. I’ve watch Queen’s Gambit and it was good!

Back to what I was originally was going to reflect on, is that more doesn’t necessity equivalent to becoming more happy. I supposed the saying of less (stuff) is more makes sense after having finished the documentary. We could argued as to why they (Joshua and Ryan) were to start this idea called minimalism. I’m not quite sure the idea were started by them or not, but they told the story in the documentary. Let’s just say, we could argued that these two guys were probably ought to make more money too. Regardless of their intentions or motivations. They simply shared their ideas with the world and it made me think that I don’t really need to the the things I thought I needed to be happy. The things that I have right now, I am ok and perhaps I was chasing after the wrong, false ideas of what it means to be happy and to live a meaningful life. Ok I’m 23 years old and a recent college graduate. I don’t know exactly that it is to live a meaningful life. These saying seemed to have been introduce before, but I am still not sure what it means.

The documentary definitely didn’t say to throw away everything you own and live with like a toothbrush and one pair of jeans. It did, however, wanted to inspire us to be thoughtful to ourselves and what we need and for our planet. The world wants to sell us stuff. The idea is more and more, which we don’t really need. It makes me wanted to get rid of my stuff that I definitely sure I don’t need.

Lsat night (even having watch the show), I felt like decluttering my Spotify playlist. I had this playlist I called LBB-ACT that I use to open when I drive home from Lubbock to Waco. Anyhow, I decided to focus on the songs I actually like to listen to and simply forget about the ones I skipped. I has a total of 15 playlists before the reorganization but by the end of the night I had more total of playlists than started, but they are all more organize and I could still condense them easier now if I needed to in the future. I ended up with 23 playlists with only a few songs that fit its category. I felt better about my Spotify playlist that can still be improved. Perhaps this is the beginning of what’s more to come. There are always things to look forward to every year. I’m excited this up coming season of life. I feel like life is still good and exciting to explore. It might be ending soon, but I don’t want to waste my life.

I’m thankful for my family even though I cannot always talk to them. I’m not sure if I just couldn’t talk to them or I don’t allow them to or given their chance. I’m not quit sure. And maybe I do, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’ve always just live in my own world. I often time, wanted to get away and live by myself. I have that thought whenever I had a disagreement with my dad. The things we asked of off each other are great things. In fact, if we followed them, it makes me a better person. The fact is nobody could fully change me, only God cans. And maybe one day I will simply do what he says. Maybe one day I would love and care for him more. Maybe one day I could be less selfish and be more gentle to him. Only one day. Only one day. There is fight or flight. I like to have ideas of flight. I just wanted to get away and do my own thing. I really do, but I felt like I would have to repay my dad for that he has done for me. It felt like a burden and that isn’t love, but more like debt. Like he might be invented in the wrong thing, which is me. I am about living my life, but I couldn’t have done or have what I have today without him as my supporter. I don’t think it is a debt, but more of a gratitude. I wanted to be good to him and be nicer to him and make him feel love. He loves me so much more than I could possibly understand. But at the same time, I wanted all this things in life partially for him too. I wanted him an easy life–a mice house and a spot that he enjoys. I wanted him to be happy for all the things he has done for me. I wanted to reply him for taking care of me every single days and for loving me all my life. It is a lot of pressure. It really is. And maybe I don’t really need all of those things for him to be happy. I just need to make him happy with what I have, which is time, good conversations. and maybe a nice meal once in while that Cook for him. That’s really all that he needs. God honestly given me wisdom to reflect and discern things, but I will surely ask Him that I could follow through. I don’t have to achieve all these great awesome thing in life, but with what I have he is important to me more than anything or anyone could offers. My dad is my sort of inspiration that I had forgotten and stupidly ignored, abused, and taken for granted. He is the most important thing in my life that I didn’t cherish. My family, the people closest to me are the most important thing in my life. And I want them to be happy.

Accountable

I don’t trust myself because from past experienced I knew that my intentions aren’t most pure. I don’t trust it. I trust God, but I don’t trust myself. I know I got x,y, and z to work on and I messed up on a daily basis. Whom am I to have all that accountability and be there for someone when I don’t even know if I could help–even myself. I am scared of being caught up in the messes of people’s lives that seems to enter mine. I have been hurt from others and myself in the past when I got caught in their sins and life decisions. I am not the person to be counseling anyone right now. And I don’t even know if I will be effective at doing so. I don’t want to hurt their feelings and mine. A lot of it is me trying to make them better, but neither am I. And that person needs a friend and I don’t know if that is his purest of intentions. I trust my intentions often times and it is telling me that I don’t believe he would hold me accountable. I have to hold myself accountable–carrying the load. If being friend is the intention then I might could be one, but it is also up to the person to have the same goal. God is bigger than all my fears, but I don’t know which side to take or which decisions to make. I am clueless and I don’t want to make another mistakes I’ve made in the past. And I am not quite sure if I would be communicating effectively. People say stuff easily all the times, but do they have the conviction to change and actually do that they say would do. I trust myself, in this categories, than I do with other, specialty people that are grey in the friendship or not friendship area. But at the same time, right now at this stage in life and from what I gathered, I will not date, but look at them as a brother. Perhaps this should be the approach. Too view them as a brother in Christ. And just feel like he has many baggages more than I could handled. And I don’t know if I have the patient and the sympathy to be the person to be there for someone when I barely know them. Anyhow, I don’t trust in this process. I trust God, but what is He telling me.

Winter Hormones

I don’t know why I inclined to title this blog as the winter hormones. But someone once told me that people (in general) are more incline to find someone to be with in the winter than I supposed other times because they idk need warmth or most people feel lonely during winter, so they would be more likely to find someone to idk cuddle with or something. I find his saying to be interesting and it really made me think for like 10 seconds, but yeah. I guess that is somewhat true in a way. From observing my pattern, I tend to (and I don’t know why there is this pattern) date people in January, be in a relationship in February, date until March, considering breaking around April and end in June and July. I have been in two romantic relationships in the past. Both are during my college years. These dating or get-together often started around January and February, so right after the major holidays of Christmas and New Year. Dating during holidays are such tests though. And these are perfect times. No holidays, no complications. No plans. I would date them for 4-5 months and then break-up when summer comes around. So far, it happened the same way, which ok I’m not trying to sound like I have psychological problem, but springs are for dating. Summers are for getting over break-ups. Winters are hibernating and enduring through the boringness of not being able to really go outside. And honestly, I Felt that today. It was cold and rainy and I literally googled what could one do on a cold, rainy day.. I was bored and sleepy. I wanted to go skating outside, but of course the floor are wet! I tried to play PubG and man it wasn’t fun. I endured it by attempting to sleep and finally I did. I woke up ate something delicious my dad made and trying to finish some beez-swags. Oh, before I started on the beez-swag, I decided to drive to sonic, in the cold, to get my small Oreo sonic blast. And it was a sweet, satisfying blast the entire maybe 30 spooning sessions. Anyhow, i got really depressed (not literally) when it was all gone and I was already thinking of going to another one called Andy’s Frozen custard for a second blast-est because they closed at 11 pm. 🙂 I literally could do that right now and heck do I want to on this cold, boring winter nights. I will be fat by spring and I think I am ok with that as long as I feel good about myself coming out of winter chunky. Ok, I won’t be feeling super lovely being fat. But, I don’t know, my body, weirdly, as of now at least, metabolize crap I ate like crazy. I should be waking up starring on my 600 lbs life (making my sup-star money) but (as of now) my thyroid is hyper reacting so, I don’t know, I just don’t really look fat, but i sure feel that way and maybe not enough to do anything about it (yet). I feel like all of this is going to injure me later tho. It is like a debt I collect on my body and one day, you wouldn’t actually be surprised to actually recognize me on TLC, living the life. Maybe that could be a gateway to try DWTS too! Man, I really frekin wanted an SMALL Oreo’s Custard from Andy’s and if I go right now, I would make it before they closed. My dad would literally butcher me alive though. Heck, I really wanted to gooooo. This is torturing and maybe I really do have psychological problems. 1. I’m obsessed with soft serve ice creams. 2. I eat too much in general. 3. I craved crap at the most unfavorable time of the day which is before bed. 4. I act like a Marsha from Snicker commercial when I’m hungry. 5. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAIDDDD TO MEHHH. 6. WANTT TOO SAY THAT AGAINNN