I don’t really know what I’m doing writing this out. I feel betrayed. I feel that I can’t trust her. I feel like things aren’t the way that I thought they were. Like JP said, we are most comfortable when things are in order. When things are the way we expect them to be, for good or bad. But when things suddenly change and we realize in one moment that the things that we took for fact are in fact not true, then we question everything we “knew”. The introduction of chaos into our order. I’ve dealt with these problems for a long time. I can’t trust people. I don’t trust people because everyone lies. I don’t trust other guys, they have there agendas, I have mine. I hate being angry. I hate feeling like I want to beat somebody. Why do I hate people as much as I do? I don’t hate people. I hate those that don’t hold certain values that I do. I wanted to kill the guy she was texting. I felt betrayed by her. There’s no better way to say it. Now I want to trust her, but it’s difficult. I don’t know if her mistake was made out of ignorance or malicious intent. Only time can answer that question truthfully. In the future what am I going to do? I’m scared of being hurt again. I don’t know to deal with this kind of thing. I run away in my head but I can never escape it. I have to face it and face my insecurities. The things that I have that won’t ever go away. I think everyone and everything is against me. Maybe it is true? I was pissed off at what I saw. I like her too much to hold something like this against her too much. But this certainly damaged my trust. Is she taking this as seriously as I am? No. Will she? I don’t know. I wonder if she knows what it’s like to feel that way. The way I feel when I read stuff like I did. I’m more disappointed than angry. What else is there to say? I just have to wait to see if things get better. See if she understood what I said and want to change, or not. I’m afraid that I’ll get hurt again like I did before. I don’t know if I can live through it. So in that sense, I guess I’m really having to trust her with so much more. Even if I don’t know if I can trust her. Guys like him need to just off themselves. Yea it’s dark and harsh. So is the world. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Maybe I’m wrong and twisted. But I’m not a bad person at heart. When it comes down to the things that separate the honest people from the scum of the earth, I’d like to think that I’d prove myself. I’d never do what he did. Not even close. I really hope he falls into a deep depression like I did. I want him to feel just a fraction of the pain I did. To not want to get up in the morning. Have everything lose its value, even himself. How bad did he want her? Probably pretty bad based off of what I saw but he is a manipulative, terrible person. Why does this stuff seem so obvious and straight forward to me? But no one else can seem to understand? Like it’s some really complicated topic that requires a lot of thought. Maybe God is punishing me for something. This will probably happen again. So how will I deal with it then? I’m worried to know. I care for her more than I probably should but I can’t help it. You can’t chose how you feel about people. It’s weird but this kind of situation makes me appreciate all of the good guys I’ve met in my life. The few. The world needs more people like them but no. More terrible people with no values or sense of right or wrong. Just what they want. Ignorant sub-human garbage that has no respect for anything. These people that talk like that are the ones that stab you in the back the second they get the chance. The worst type of people in the world. And yes, I mean the worst out of everyone. I just hope she doesn’t like me less. I only get as mad and disappointed as I do because I care so much. I pray that she doesn’t betray me in this way again. It will be ugly and I don’t want to experience that myself. Please God, don’t do that to me. I also saw what she really thinks of me in those texts. I’m just another guy. But one that doesn’t share her same definition of “dating”. Some terrible justification to not be faithful or just ignorance. It doesn’t matter which one. Do I really mean so little to her that she would be willing to just throw it away to have something with some piece of trash like that guy? What am I missing? What’s so wrong with me? Hopefully her opinion of me will change in time because I can see it’s not very good. I’m scared. Please God not again. You know what it did to me.
How do I even begin this, the honest truth is I didn’t want to expect a lot out of anything. I am not as serious because it is pretty early, only time will tell. I am scare that I won’t be able to love or to love fully and stupidly. It is scary. I am selfish, but what I did wasn’t meant to hurt him. It wasn’t intended to be that way at all. I just like to talk and “flirt”, even if I don’t think it is flirting. Anyhow, everything for me takes time. People come and goes. Who knows what the future holds. No one, only God knows. God knows my heart. There is that part in me that still like to play around; for fun. But to be honest, when I am more serious with someone, I don’t play around with them. I don’t flirt with them. I hold back a little or preserve them. Those who I talk to a lot are those that I knew that I wasn’t serious to begin with. Don’t worry that I will like them because I already made the decision early on. I know who I am interested in. I don’t just get with any guy, oh no, not at all. I have values. It might contradict your view, but texting doesn’t require any effort. Meeting the person does, spending time with the person does, talking and getting to know them does. You’re not just another guy. I hope you’re not just another guy. You shouldn’t feel angry or worry (but I want to make you disappointed or not trust especially in the beginning stage where things are not as establish in the grey area and where uncertain flows) because it is fun and I don’t want anyone to feel bad. Just knows that it is really no big deal. I can’t tell you how to feel. Never settle and I don’t ask you to trust me, trust in God, don’t trust in me. People will fail you, but He never fails. I pray that our relationship will be center on God that if this is meant to be that he will revel and strengthen and bless this relationship for His glory, but if it’s not that he will revel it early on, so that both of us will be able to learn and move on. So far, I want this relationship to be beautiful and nourishing; for it to be a place where I will be reminded of God’s pre-gift. Chad, I am thankful for you and the way you are. You are a kind introverted person. You’re interesting. Sometimes you’re like a child and sometimes you’re a oldie from having back pain. You’re melo. You are a person outside my family who I am comfortable being around with. Another reason why, it is hard to not as natural for me to introduce you as my boyfriend is because I don’t know what is going to happened. I don’t know how long I will be your girlfriend for. I don’t know and not sure about labeling because I don’t want to tell people you’re my boyfriend and the next thing is you’re not. I had rather wait for at least 3 – 6 months to fully say for certainly that Chad is someone I am confident to call my boyfriend, even though calling him a boyfriend would be an understatement.
Regarding the problem that we had–your ex and my like to have fun, I think it’s meant to make this relationship stronger. Edison didn’t fail, who knows how many time before he saw the light. For some reason, this relationship is not what we hope for, I wanted to let you that you can trust God and that he’ll help you find your person; whoever it maybe. Who knows that the future holds. Right now, I pray that my relationship with you will make you be closer to Him if there is anything you get out of this relationship. We met for a reason. I like you and I am thankful for your seriousness and kindness towards me. You’re crazy and awesome in your own way. You care. I admire that about you. I am so tired right now I can feel my body shutting down. Chad, I thank you.