Hi again, it has been while

So I broke up with my 4 months boyfriend whom I would say that I have significantly more emotional tides with than my first bf. The reason being was because we practically lived together, bathed together, eat together, and sleep together. I don’t know what exactly I am feeling. All I know is that I felt sad, my stomach tied in a knot. This was a person whom I start naming our kids’ names with. A person I endured his disrespectful, unloving behaviors–anger, frustration, emotional and verbal abuse. He was someone I care about. He was someone I share my life with for 4 months. He was someone I told him I loved him within about a month. He was someone who I had sex with for the first time. He was someone who got frustrated with using condom. He was someone who forced/convinced me to take birth control pill, all because he didn’t like using condom. Why did I endured and tried to understand him. I don’t know, but I am out of the relationship and instead feeling relieve like I did with my first boyfriend. I felt that my love was an illusion and manipulation. He said he loved me, but many times his behaviors said otherwise. The only time I remembered his genuineness was him tutoring me until 4 a.m. for organic chemistry II and looked super stressed out for me on exam day. That was the day I told him fully I loved him in front of Sneed residence hall. He was someone I also did not fully loved, yet, I like him a lot. I can’t say fully I love him, because I am not sure what the philosophical of love is. All I know is that I like hugging him, kissing him, talking to him, teasing him, cooking with him, and being around him (a lot). There hasn’t been time when I want to be apart from him. I only suggested it because I want him to feel what it is like to not have me around, apparently I’m sure he was ok with it. I only offered to be apart because I want to realize how much he would missed me. I didn’t have to do that if he was enough. I was testing all this time and hoping his love for me would increased etc. I want to see if his love is worth it for me. I realized now that he didn’t love me, the way I love him. I would do anything for him (if it is right). But somehow, his actions just made unable to love him fully at times. I love him, but I also knew that my love will not be returned. That somehow this relationship is not meant to be, it is not at the capacity that it should be despite us staring our lives together. I wouldn’t mind maintaining a friendship with him, but I can’t because it would be harder for me to heal. It has been a sad week for me, tomorrow will mark a full week we’ve apart or after break up. He hasn’t text or call. I texted him last Thursday night for my forgotten Beat’s charger and hoping he would return it to me tomorrow at work. My piano teacher suggested that I thank him for our relationship. I am not sure what I am to thank him for when I already wrote it in our first break up letter.

I don’t want to think he manipulated me. But there has been clear instances when he did–many times. I thought something was off, but I was trying to be understandable and thought he was genuine. Nevertheless he was not at all from the get-go. He was destructive and manipulative from the beginning despite our decent memories of him helping me with my classes.

Chad was someone I have high hope for. He was someone I was willing to discuss future with. He was someone who I had, at one point, picture him growing old. Someone who I thought was imperfect, but I believe in him to be better. he is someone who invested my life in. He is someone who I miss. He is someone who betrayed and manipulated me. Who calls me dumb when he was angry. Who slammed doors at my face many time I said something he did not like. Someone who are willing to not get a dog for me. Someone who tried to change for me. Someone who bought me beautiful flowers and cloths. Someone who took me to restaurants and paid for my meals. It is funny that all these thing he did for me didn’t quite capture my heart as much as what he did for me in the beginning of our relationship. I wasn’t hard for me to starting to liking him more romantically when he tutored me, stressed out for me, offered to pay for my illegitimates doctor’s note, or offer to buy bike for me or offer to change popcorn for me at the movie theater or bought a game for us to play together on the Xbox. Or when he doesn’t complain about my cooking. Or how he was on-time to pick me up 90% of the time. I wish there is perhaps more good memories with him than I had just wrote. Right now, it seems like it hard, but hopefully one day I will get pass it that I will want to be pass it. That I choose to follow God’s.

Chad, I genuinely liked you. I like everything about you physically. I like you enough to over look many of your flaws. I had like for you to be a gentlemen, to not yell at me or calls me names or call anybody names. I had like that you be more gentle and kind. I had like for you to care for me especially the little things. I had like that you love God and commit your life to Him. I had love that if I make fun of you that you wouldn’t be defensive, but laugh along with me. I had love that you would be a bigger person. I had like that you do things for me out of love. I had love that you wouldn’t signed at me every time I wanted to cuddle (this hurts me deeply). I had like that you talk your dad more. I had like that you know how to fix stuff. I had like that you listen and be kind to be even when I was being unreasonable. I was only being unreasonable when I didn’t feel your love. I would like that you love me more. I had like that you wouldn’t be cynical about things. I had like for you to listen sometimes. I had like that you I ran out of things to say. I had like that you’re not hurtful, I had like that you’re not controlling, I had like that you are supportive of my dreams and goals. I had like that you have a kind heart and soul. I had like that you love people. Chad, thank you for this 4 months. Thank you for being there for me at times. Genuine or not, I don’t want to think about, but thank you for showing me you. Thank you for showing what hurt feels like. Thank you for making me cry and thank you for showing me what I don’t want really looks like.

I don’t want to go back. I know I cannot go back. I know I don’t see you as my husband. I am doing ok without you. I forgot to say another thing I wish you have, I wish you have gut, I wish you have endurance that goes along with patience. I wish you are not hurtful, you really are hurtful. You need to know that. I’ve never met anybody more hurtful than you.

You will literally called me liars all because there nothing else you could attack me for, You’re absolutely hopeless. You cause me pain and I will one day forgive you.

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