Missing him

Who would know that I would miss someone. Honestly, it’s rather funny. I don’t know if he miss me like I do. Even though I initiated it, it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard. Perhaps he’s letting me do the dirty job. I know people who rather waited for their ex to broke off with them. They basically set it up to where letting them break it off instead. I, on the other hand, haven’t done that. I felt too burdensome to not do it. Perhaps they set it up for me to do it. I know I can’t go back, but I miss him. I miss you Chad. I hope I’ll be over you soon. I hope I get to the point where I will want to be done with you. Feeling wise. It has been an interesting 4 months. Thanks my taking out to eat and buying presents on my birthday. Oh I forgot about the red velvet cake. That cake was good. That piece I left you, we broke up before you could eat it. I’m really sentimental. I’m crying as I’m typing this. This is how much I missed you. Unfortunately you weren’t the one for me. God has something bette for me and you. But I’m still sad, you know. I haven’t cried this much ever in my life. You’re that reason. Cuddling with you was one of my favorite thing about our relationship. I wish we talk more though. I wish I can just say anything. I hold off on things to say too because I don’t want to hurt your feelings or make you feel offended. That is not my intention by any means. I wish I could be my better self with you. I wish I could be myself around you. Listening to sad musics while typing this doesn’t help, but I’m glad I’m doing this. Emotion is cleansing. Chad, I had fun with you. I don’t know where you stand exactly, but thank you.

I hope you’re genuine. I was with you. I guarded my heart though and became tough at times because I can’t not NOT just let go when I know there is potentially pain at the end. It was a risk that I didn’t think was worth it.

I wish you will go to the Lord. That was my birthday wish. Is for you to come to God. I know one day you will go to Him. All your problems and mine will certainly be changed.

You know I have a skeptical nature that no matter how hard you want to impress me, I tend to see through your intentions, whether it’s genuine or not I tend to be able to feel it? I think. I relied on my intuition quite a bit (probably more than I think I do).

You know you were hopeless when you sort of knew I was going to end things with you. You literally tried to guilt tripped me that the reason we’re in this stage is because of me. You’re hopeless, immature, and has no gut for saying that to me. It’s such a shame that you call me names. Anyways. I hope we’ll both grow up.

I quite salty that you forgot my charger today when I told you to bring it at work today to give it to me. Wow, and you forgot. I still expect a lot from you, how funny, right. I should’ve already learned my lesson that I shouldn’t expect anything from someone who doesn’t really care.

Im done for today, this has been healing.

God please help me Lord. Guide my mind and heart to rejoice in you and to not seek earthly things that isn’t part of your plan for me.

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