Have you ever heard of something like ‘we want something that we can’t have?’ I never quite understand this saying until I am actually experiencing it now. I’m not sure if the root cause is due to loneliness, some sort of dissatisfaction of some kinds, or in between. The 4 months with him everyday has been something I automatically gotten used to and now I’m living alone on my own— no eating together, sleeping together, cooking together, or watching Netflix together. It seems like such a sad, dull, and gloomy reality, but there is also another saying that ‘there is often rainbow after the rain or storm.’
Another side effect of post-breakup syndrome is loneliness and it can be quite dangerous. It can lead you to decision, you will soon later regret and what follows next is more pain and then loneliness and then the cycle repeats until you’re brave enough to cut it before it fester (the longer you wait, fall into temptation for more you’re to suffer). I didn’t quite experienced the side effect of loneliness more so than after break up, roughly after a week or so after the event. I don’t want to be influence by loneliness and make wrong decision. Don’t let loneliness consume you and make you regrets certain choices you make. In this case, if I let loneliness or quietness consume me (meaning I lost to it) then I would then text my ex probably wanting to hangout etc. Don’t do it.
Now let’s go back to why I mentioned the saying you want something you know you can’t have is because I know I can’t go back to my terrible ex boyfriend because he is not right for me and bad for me. He is like an awful, poisonous substance that I craved especially when loneliness or stillness set in. I craved him like a physical drug (I’ve never had) hilariously. It is like I want it for a moment, but definitely don’t want it at a later time because I realized this drug is absolutely damaging and detrimental to my life and well-being. But to refer to why I mentioned the saying, here I’m going to give you a back story.
The story begin with my breaking up with my 4 months boyfriend who is mostly disingenuous and manipulative. To conclude he is a person that I can’t have in my life. He is aggressive, not a gentlemen, and disrespectful to me and other people. He displayed so many red flags that I need to let go, forgive myself, and stop blaming myself for because it is not healthy or beneficial, or positive to do. But you know how our head is saying two different things. One side is saying maybe there is a fix (which by the way the only fix is to leave it alone and not go back to the poison!, because it’s unfixable unless God intervenes), but a more rational side of me is saying you need to stop thinking about texting him. I now experiencing something along the line of wanting something I know won’t satisfied me long term or to be frank even within 2 weeks! I KNOW I can’t have him and that I KNOW that I also don’t want him. Right now it seems like I want to be with him, but I also KNOW that I definitely SHOULD NOT! It is a constant battle whenever I am feeling alone. This makes me realized that I need to learn to be ok being alone and that I should cherish being by myself and ‘singleness.’ Which by the way can be grand if you make it. Another reason why we got back together after our original break up is due to fact that I convinced myself to not expect anything magical from this person but simply be ok with just having someone around. Well obviously you and I both know that it is a no no. Because most of us know that it is not how a healthy, good and long lasting relationship is supposed to operate. It is important to understand to not be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship or because you don’t want to be alone. Fight your inner weakeness. Go through with this pain for a better future God has in-store for you and me. Take courage and fight through this battle, one day however long the battle is, it won’t be forever, take the narrow path (a reference from the Bible).
I’m also bias in my opinion of him because I’m the writer. But he and I are simply incompatible, in a sense that I don’t accept who he is and if I forced myself to ignore or try to accept who he is then I’m compromising my values, which what I am literally doing is choosing unhappiness my life when there is something (I don’t see right now) out there, waiting. I have also heard another saying about God has the best for you, but He can’t give it to you now because you’re not allowing him to by holding on to something that isn’t his best for you.
If you look on the bright side, a bad relationship doesn’t necessarily be all bad. God make something worthless such as dust to make something beautiful such as you and me. You too, could make something bad from this relationship and make it gold. Learn from it. It sounds cliche but you must learn from your mistakes because you have to gain something! Not learning or accepting your mistakes is failure. I learn that I need to lookout for people and analyze their true intentions. I learn that I need to (next time) consult people who love me. I learn that I need to trust and listen to my conscious. I learn that I need to take time and take a step back when I must). I learn that I need to respect myself worth. I learn that I need to love myself and love others. I learned that I will not let anyone compromise my value especially in my God. I also know (by being in relationship with him) what types of person I don’t want to be with in the future. I learn that a deal break for me, no matter how great or awesome they are (because they actually aren’t) is that I don’t like aggressive, selfish, and manipulative person.
Manipulative is such a broad term because for me it is when a person says things either unintentionally or intentionally to hurt and damage your feelings. As well as lie to you big time about important issue, simply because they are not genuine and selfish. An example I could give you is lying about having gotten over an ex when their words clearly contradicted their actions. 1) they cried about their exes 2) they kept stuff that their ex gave to them 3) they didn’t delete a single photo about their ex on their phone. Here is when I get self-critical because how could I not see this coming! This is when it truly hurts me. I’m hurting myself by criticizing myself and I’m pushing myself down for absolutely no reason.
This is what happened then a person is toxic for you. When the thought of what they did to you makes you feel a knot in your stomach in some cases make you want to vomit. As if you were willing or forcing to take a poison and now you’re experiencing the adverse effect of the venom. It’s like that. That is what it’s like when you’re dealing with a poisonous, manipulative snake that you thought were venom-less.
Right now all I can think is bitterness. He used to tell me that all the good memories once you break up with a person just turns bitter. Well maybe I sort of see where he’s coming from. Anyhow, I’m sure that my experience is different from his.
I don’t know on average how long it will take for someone to heal completely after breakup and what is the best remedy for the poisons. But I think sometimes it has a lot to do with our mindset. Sure, it is satisfying to think badly of them over and over again to prevent you from perhaps going back, but to be honest, I don’t think that is the best remedy for getting over someone. Just like there is different therapy for illnesses, there is typically the best one and some that a good, great, and so-so, but the best that I can rationalize it right now it to thank them. Gratitude is a powerful tool to get over someone positively. A type of remedy that makes you get rid of the poison completely and gracefully, and (very imports) happily.
Thank your ex for the goods that they’ve done. You’re playing it with fire, because it’s fun, exciting, and thrilling, which you shouldn’t be playing with it in the first place, because you ignore your conscious that little voices inside you when you’re about to inflict harm. Biology has craftily design to protection us from harm that is why it is wise to listen to your primitive self.
Honestly then I wrote a letter thanking my ex the first time when we broke up was honestly one of the best thing I could have done because it provided me with sense of relieve and peace. But now that I’ve decided to give him a second chance, that letter just gone to waste.
Right now I’m honestly going in circle and I want some soft serve and fries. It’s not easy but I’m having a stupid knot in my stomach again.
Another perhaps (I’m not sure) not so great remedy is to talk to other guys to distract yourself from the ex-factor because it can help. But here is where things can get sort of tricky because if you’re talking/texting this other guys who is also toxic then you could be doomed because they can certainly stink you a bit. But I’ve done that in the past and it help speed up the process. But I did text/talk to them with the intention of getting over an ex, but was trying to sort of get to know them instead. But now, I can’t just do that when I’m consciously knew that that would be my intention. It’s not right or genuine to use other person with feelings (good or bad meaning whether they’re a good or bad person) in order for you to get over someone. Perhaps if that’s your intention, I suggest don’t do it. Imagine someone else doing that to you, you clearly would not be ok with their action. So if your intention is to text a guy to get over an ex, don’t. Find a different method.
Back to my original advice, if you want to get over your ex, write a genuine letter to thank them. Make it as honest and heartfelt as you possibly can. If during when you’re writing you’re possibly crying then it’s working, meaning you’re healing and letting your emotion fall like the rain falling from your face. It will replenishes you and it’s a good thing.
If you want to know the reason behind why thanking them is positive for you is because like I’ve mentioned gratitude is powerful and so is forgiving. Forgiveness is easier said than done and it tends to be overrated. However, it is not easy. Not at all, but that’s what makes it worthwhile and a good medicine and a good remedy for your soul. God have said to forgive those who have wronged you as He has also forgiven you. To think that you, yourself is also not perfect. Big sin or little sin is all equal in God’s eyes. Haven’t you ever been on an airplane and look down from above, doesn’t all big or small building looks the same? That’s how God sees sin. You have little or he had more, well both of you have it, is the point. Remember the last time you’ve done someone you loved wrong or the last time you’ve sinned. Well, if you truly repented of that sin, God has said himself that he’ll forgive you. Remember when you wanted Him to forgive you, well it is easy to say, but you should also forgive other who have wronged you and you also must learn to forgive yourself. Tell yourself that it is ok and that everything will be ok. Continue to trust in God, rely not on your understanding but in every ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path. God is on your side. And you only need Him to be on your side and nothing else because nothing else can.
Remember practice daily genuine gratitude (for at least 21 days). Write it down and meditate on it. Write your ex a thank you letter (he/she doesn’t have to read it, it’s more for you). Also, practice forgiving your ex and most importantly yourself.
These are the remedies for post-breakup syndrome. Hope this would help you and me together. Remember that it’s ok. That everything will be ok. God is with you. He has the best in-store for because good things come to those who waits.