Hey, so it has been while and I wanted to talk to you because I need to. I been thinking a lot, which is typically expected after post break-up. I don’t know if this is too early to do. I still have some emotion, but I simply have to know and I needed closure. I hope this is not too much to ask. All I ask is we talk and we could be open and honest with each other because I needed it and may be you need it too. All I want for this talk is honesty. Pure honesty. Whatever we’re feeling we need to address in order to help ourselves. I will be honest with you and I hope you can be honest with me. I genuinely want to end this better and if you wonder why, it is because it is better to do.
I knew from the start that I want to test it. I want to see how long it would last (meaning the relationship). I’ve told you that I am sort of a moment to moment person in a sense. I don’t plan things ahead. I just wanted to enjoy and let it happened. Sometimes though, emotion got the best of me and I tend to move quickly in relationship. I would have to say that most people would say that they don’t trust people easily. I might be included in those categories. I tend to test the relationship sometimes not even consciously knowing it. And I don’t want you to think that it is a game that I have to test, but I think it is how I determine the relationship. Perhaps I am not getting the result naturally, so I decided to test it. You may be confused as to why I need to test it. I will give you example, I call it a test, but it is simply events that happened and it is how I determine if someone truly cares because if they do then I know this is a good sign and if not then it is not. For instance, good sign for me in this relationship was you help tutoring me forever the reason may be. Or you stressing out for my exam, it shows that you care and that touch my heart. However, there were also other instances where I also think that you did not care, and before I give you examples, I wanted to clarify that this is not intended to make you feel negative because that is not why I am telling you this. This is how I feel and how I determined. For instance, when I mentioned stuff about your ex, you tend to get really upset with me. Or when we got into arguments you yell, slammed the door, or insult me. Basically for me that is verbally and emotionally abusive. You have told me that you loved me, but that is not love. There were other instances you said certain thing that I think was off that isn’t supposed to be said. like I won’t find another person like you that that my ex would get so jealous if she knows this, or that I didn’t give a damn about this relationship or that if this relationship were 50/50 then… There are instances where I want you to see that you were saying hurtful things and can be manipulative. I want to point this out because I am not saying intended to be attacking, that is not my intention, but I have to tell you, so that you can see it.
There is also another event that I thought was ridiculous was when you complain about having to carry groceries up the stair and you prefer to take the elevator instead, like that to me was just.
The reason why I am telling you instances where I felt weird about is because I want clarification as to why you were the way you were. like why did you yell at me, insult me, the stuff about your ex why could you not see that it was weird and abnormal, the pictures, the teddy bears, the cookies, the texting, the phone call, and amazon prime scenario, like you say you were over her and always was, etc. that you hated the new guy she was dating. like I couldn’t see it at the moment clearly because I was blind, but looking back like my gut was telling me that you kind of stuck there.
I want to know what was/is actually going on, so I can get perspective, so I can understand. I want your honesty that is all I am asking for. I hope that you can be honest with me.
The yelling part, when you say mean, hurtful, abusive things like did you know you were being hurtful, did you intended to hurt me because you felt hurt, so it is simply your way to hurt me back, is that why? Or is it trying to gain control to get what you want. Have you ever question yourselves why you acted to way you did? (did it make you feel better) You do realized the consequences of another person hearing it and how they would feel?
Or whenever I asked you to go to the gym, to play badminton with me, or to play pingpong with me? like why was it hard for you to go honesty? I wonder why.
About the sex thing too, I felt pressure into doing it. Also the birth control pill. I wanted to do it because I was curious, tempted, and I just wanted to know what it would feel like. Like people have said oh it is the best thing ever, I like I was just curious behind the psychology and biology. Another factor behind that I would say another reason why I did it was because the worrying side of me don’t want you to think that I didn’t trust or care about you. which by the way is absolutely such a bad reason because there are so many other way I can show you that I care or trust you and it doesn’t have to be having sex. So I simply wanted you to clarify. The reason why I mentioned this scenario is because for me love can wait, there is no rush, it shouldn’t feel force, it should just happened as the emotion of the couple deepen. and I think sex should feel so so much better. that is why people sometimes wait until they are marry because they’ve established that commitment and the bond is there. It is meant to unite the couple, make the 2 one. I think it is a wise area to wait to do that because imagine the person dating for 5-6 years without sex right and they fought, gone through crappy time, flight argument, misunderstand each other etc. but they’re still together despite the sex that they didn’t have, that prove something about that relationship, it proves that they care about each other beyond the physical side of thing that there bond are strong and committed. Super strong that they don’t need sex to prove it, so when finally they want to marry each other then sex is like something both of them can enjoy after marriage. Some may argue that they want to have sex with their partner before marriage in order to know if they each have sexual chemistry. This idea is wrong because it is shallow and shows that this couple is actually don’t know anything I’ve just say.
Anyway I did buy into the I want to maybe know if it would strength the bond perhaps, but I remember saying that but it doesn’t need to.
Again I am here to express my concerns, if you have some I will be honest with you and clarify it all.
I hope that we both could move pass this and end on a better term. You came into my life. I came into yours and we’ve known a little bit about each other. Even though, the feeling we experience are not the best one, I think what I want to do is to make it healthier and in order to do that I need your help. You may asked why you needed to help me, but I don’t know what else to say