I wonder

I wonder why I wanted to go back to the pain. It is absolutely fascinating and weird. I want to fix thing. The fact that I say I can’t is limiting. I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back. I feel like something is missing. I have a feeling of pain in my stomach. It’s hard to describe. It’s this aching feeling that makes me not wanting to do anything. That makes me feel tired. If I could write to him. I had say:

Why did you manipulate? Why did you do that? Are you trying to fill the void of your ex? And you simply used me? It’s ok if you’re honest with me. I want you to be honest. I asked that me be honest. I don’t know if I can say I love you because right now I may confused loving and longing. I am not sure what I’m missing. I don’t know if I miss you (I don’t think I miss you) or I miss the idea of you. I miss your smell. I miss our cuddling. I miss it a lot. I don’t miss you telling, manipulating, deceiving, and your harsh words. You’re such a mean person. How could you be this mean. You were never really sincere. You were never. And it hurts me. You were nice because you wanted something else. I feel foolish. I feel used. I feel pain. People can say that after breakup, all this emotional is rather normal. I feel it. I feel it. I feel it. The pain. Loneliness. Sadness. Resentment. Madness. I feel like you just took me for granted. I don’t want to go back to you. You cause me a lot of pain. You are a harsh creature. Manipulator. Abuser. Lier.

I don’t want to think badly of you, but I do. I wanted to blame myself. But I picked up a bad fruit.

I hope, soon, this pain will pass. I hope to regain myself back. I made myself weak. My heart is tiring and that’s scary.

It made me think that guys are untrusted. I sort of trusted you, but at the same time I don’t. There was something off about you. That I can’t fully trusted. There were many unanswered concerns and so on. I want to ask you, but at the same time, I don’t think it’ll make anything better.

I am quite positive that you gone back to talk to your ex. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.

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