Jesus

Dear Jesus,

I pray Lord that in time you will heal me. And make me realized the positive. Help me Lord to forgive him and myself. Right now my Lord I don’t seem to be getting anything. There is a part of me that still holding on. I have so many question my Lord. So many. I felt that I lost myself. I felt that I gave more than I should. I lost myself to him. I did. I lost myself to him. It hurts my Lord. It truly hurts. It hurts that I felt tricked, deceived. It hurts that I didn’t catch on. It hurts that I didn’t stood up for myself more. It hurts that what he did to me, I simply stood still most of the time and didn’t fight back. It hurts that I didn’t do anything. I have a strong dislike that is close to a hatred towards him. It’s pitiful. I lost some of my confidence too. I couldn’t understand. I didn’t fight back. I wish to hurt him, but I know I probably wouldn’t because if I were to hurt him, it would also hurt me. I don’t understand how could someone be so cruel, deceitful, manipulative, and awful. Right now, there isn’t anything positive as much I have to say. I hold grudges.

Dear God,

Is it a good idea to talk to him? Is it a good idea to be honest with him? Is it a good idea to see him again? Is it a good idea hope for answers from someone like him? I don’t want to hate him. But what he did to me I want to hear him say he was wrong to do such thing to me. That he was wrong to manipulate me. For saying hurtful things. To explicitly compare his ex and I, whom I don’t care. Jesus, there is so many thing that I strongly dislike him for. Strongly. I want to be able to move pass it and I don’t think I can move past it when my feeling towards him is awfully negative. I want a replay. I want him to hurt as much and more as he hurts me. I don’t want to think like this Lord. This is not what your intention for me to have. My heart hurts so much. I can’t forgive him right now. My heart hurts. I don’t want my heart to hurt. How do I forgive him my Lord. How can I forgive Chad. For the things he said, for his anger and frustration, for his baggage. Reveal to me oh Lord.

Jesus, I also have my own share of fault. For I expected many things from him.

Somehow Lord, I am praying that Chad would ask you to change him. That you would heal his heart and allow himself to see his many shortcomings, sins. I prayed that I would also be able to see my shortcomings and be discontent with them that I ask you to change. There is a small part of me that wanted to fix us. If this were your plan, Jesus. I ask that show bring him back to me. I ask that somehow we could remain friend. If you see that this is good for both of us, Jesus I ask that Chad would come back to me. I wanted to make things better and I hope we are on the same page. I hope that if we were to part that both of us would part happily and be strong in you. I know that I doesn’t like and probably will not like him 100% but that I would like him because of you. My heart hurts because I do not like parting in such pain. Lord, is it a good idea to meet him. Or should I simply let this be the past and try to heal on my own. Perhaps it’s your plan to keep this person away from me. I have a feeling that you wanted to be so. I will trust you.

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