Back at it again

I listened to Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell’s life stories, regarding their marriage specifically on how they make it work.

I used to fight with my sister quite often when we were little. It was about the littlest, stupidest stuff like mostly how all fight were sometimes. Somehow we were always fighting about the same issues, there were patterns often misunderstanding. Even if we were fighting about toys, we were in fact not fighting about who gets the toys, but a deeper problem within us. How selfish I was to her is actually the problem and how I was self-centered to not share and think all these toys belong to me. I was being selfish at the root cause. So now I wanted to dive into why Chad and I broke up.

And I just wanted focus specifically on me and on how I can improve. Only on me and how I can improve for my future relationship. I will try to be as logical as much as possible. I hope it’s achievable as I am not completely over him, I presumed.

Like I said I will only focus on me. I don’t know if this is a good idea, but I will try.

I have problem with jealousy sometimes. If I caught him looking at other girls or walk closure to other girls in the crowd, I know I would get extremely resentful towards his action. I would literally ignored him by basically made him felt isolated. Or just singled him out. Because I was upset with him. I was annoyed at him.

My dad used to do that sometimes and I would also get upset with him because I hated it and I think part of my was that my dad should be loyal to only me, my mom, and my sister. I would also acted out, meaning be a bad child in someway. I didn’t confronted to him directly that I am extremely upset that he did that. But I would be upset with him in other ways. I don’t remembered exactly how I did it. But he hurt my feelings, so I probably somehow made sure that he would get punished. I wasn’t honest most of the time, but I remembered confronting him before directly. And yeah, that was a better approach. I don’t remembered exactly. But perhaps this is one of the I don’t know if insecurity is the right word or egotistical nature. I don’t know. Possessiveness? This is one of the thing honestly that I expected for my bf and my dad to be because I believe I’m this way too. Being in relationship with someone for my is important. And it’s something I don’t take lightly. I want to make sure that this person is worth it for me. I wanted to make sure that he loves me, care for, and is patience with me. I wanted to see if he’s worth it is essentially what I look for. I felt like there is a selfish part in me that will have to test the product before I decided to buy it. I wanted to make sure that the person is good for me.

The reason why I approached dating the way I do is the fear of giving too much and being disappointed. I have this fear of relationship because I don’t want to be hurt. I have this fear of medical school because I am scared of being rejected. I have never asked anyone out even if I like them because I fear it’s not going to work out. I fear this I fear that. I fear everything. On the outside I pretended everything will be ok that I will be ok that things will work out. Like relationship if with the right person will work out that it shouldn’t be this painful or what not. That if I simply focus on today’s that for medical school that if I truly want it badly I will end up there.

I’m fearful but also optimistic that things will work out.

Relationship. The reason why I decided to break up with Chad is because I felt like not only was he perhaps may not have been over his ex of 3 years. But beside that point. The reason why their relationship didn’t work out is also because his problem also carried to our relationship. It’s argument and not understanding the beauty of yielding. I told in the beginning that I wanted this to focus on how I can improve, so I’m going to stick to that as much as I can.

Whenever he yelled at him. Slammed doors, bang/hit on something right in front of me or calling me dumb, dumb, dumb for repeatedly told him that he wasn’t over his ex. Basically I wanted to explain the fact that he wasn’t over his ex and he just got angry at me.

I bared with it for most part whenever he was upset with me. But being the person that I am. I know that I had to get out somehow. Either get out because I wanted him to realized that his action is extremely unacceptable.

I don’t know if I love him, but he caused me a lot of pain and resentment that I don’t want to care or love him.

I probably still care about him even if it’s hard to admit. But it’s also something that I am dealing with it now. Trying let go. Trying to understand and comes to term with the fact that I have to understand. That I must understand and that one day I am going to understand.

I hate to make this about how I could have talk or the time when we talk. I had some goods times, I don’t remembered a lot of it. Because many of them didn’t at all feels real. It was not a good relationship. I don’t remembered anything awfully memorable about it. I actually do now. It was the time when he saw that my pan was too small, so he decided to buy me a bigger one. Or the time when he made me eggs before I go to work. Or the time when he picked me up mostly on time everyday. That was the good things I remembered about Chad. Or the times when he stressed out so much for my exam.

I missed those obviously but there is also so much more pain he have caused me. That I think it’s better I don’t write about it because it would make me feel upset.

I want to get to the point where I don’t feel anything for him, like I did for my last ex. I saw my last ex and yeah I saw him and that was it. I hope he is doing well and that pretty much it.

I wanted to get to the point of not having to worry about him. How he is doing etc.

thinking about him makes me feel some pain.

I hate it when a person I’m with is not a bigger person. My sister would literally the awesomest girl, I know. She is a selfless person when it comes to a heroic event. For instance, today, after we got out of the store when we finished shopping, there were semi heavy rain outside, so what she did was give her cap to me while she take the hoodie. We park on the other side of the store, so she offered to run to the car in the rain to pick me up. She is an absolute angel. She is also a type to carry all the groceries no matter how heavy they are while I carry close to none. She is like a perfect boyfriend I have never had. A gentlemen and selfless. I want someone like my sister or my dad as my significant others. I sounds weird but I have a lot to compare when it comes to relationship. I don’t know anyone who would be able to beat the love I received from my dad, sister, and mom. It’s a incomparable love.

A person doesn’t have to do anything extravagant. Also, today I got a stomach cramp from my period and my sister took care of me. Made me the best ginger tea and got me a heating pad to alleviated the pain. I know my sister deserves the best guy in the entire planet. She is my absolute angel. I love her so much. She is my precious little gem. The most caring and loving and thoughtful and selfless one. I know she absolutely deserves the best for her. I honestly don’t know if she has any big big fault. No one is perfect. Gift has her problem too, but she hasn’t really told them to me, regardless she is my sister and I am here for her.

I hope that Chad will figure himself out. Roxanne told me someone else will help him through his problem that is not me. And I can only have to listen and agree. I am no where near perfect to help him; only God can. I need to go to bed..

I want to do this more, but I have a job interview tomorrow that I need to be ready for. Man, I’m sort worry, but again I know I can do it. I simply have to be myself and show them my perfect imperfection. The human side of me. Whatever it’s I miss Chad a little still. I don’t want to be distracted. I want to talk to him. I want to get answers. I want to figure that went wrong. I want to do all these things but in the end I also knew that I have to come to term with them myself.

The reason why Chad was harder to get over was perhaps me inflicted pain in me and because I have this tendency to think that perhaps if I tried more I could help him change.

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