Therapy

So I made to to therapy even though I was 30 mins late. Luckily, the therapist that I haven’t met took me in. She was blood, tall, with a tattoo on her angle. She opened the door into the room, so I quickly sat down in the nearest chair that was supposedly hers, so I decided to switch to the live seat instead.

I began telling her about my problem. She was honest yet can seem harsh at times, perhaps being direct is a better word.

I am not sure if I wanted to go back. I thought that she hurt my feelings a bit. Perhaps this is me being too sensitive. I am not sure what the deal is.

Perhaps keep going back might not be the best idea. Honestly, the more I talked about it, the more I feel like it’s not helping. The more I press on the wound. The more it hurts. I am probably more than likely going to stop going because in the end of the day, it is up to me and not anybody else. Each of us have our ready.

In the end of the day I probably will do what I had to do. I don’t want to have the thought of wanting to talk to my ex. But at the same time, I don’t want this thought to hunt me.

Will talking to him makes thing better? Will I have more questions? Will I ever get the confirmation I needed to move on. Will this reopen the wound? Will this make me wanted to seek other closure in the future?

What am I going to do? What am I going to tell him? I am putting a lot of energy into thinking about this still. When will I transfer my energy into something else? What do I want? Obviously I wanted to have an honest talk with him, but it seems like I also have this fear again that it’s not going to work. Should I do it to find out for myself? So I can learn about the heat from the stove? Do I need to learn things the hard way? Like I have done so far.

It’s such an annoying thing to pondering the what or why? I was doing better but seems like touching on the wound once again is something that I didn’t want to revisit. I had rather let it heals on its own time. I had much more self love and ego and care with my first ever broke up. Somehow this one is going to take sometimes. Sometimes talking about it only helps so far. The decision is quick and simple. It’s a snap of a finger. I will move on on my own term, my decision that I’ll make. I have to be over it.

I am not going to lie that talking to it with a therapist make me wanted to talk to him even more, so talking to a therapist didn’t help. So I am going to stop. I will wait a month to reapply and if I didn’t get it again. I am going to reapply until I get it. Meanwhile, I have 3 test coming up. I don’t want to screw it.

Chad I still care about you and it’s not a bad thing. I still truly think about you and it’s ok. You were with me for 4 months so it would make me a heartless human being to completely stop thinking about you. This experience has taught me so much. I has taught me about the dark side of being human. About selfishness. About manipulation. I has profoundly made me doubt myself. I had made me know what to look out for the future. I had changed me and I want that change to be in a positive light. I don’t know if I made me stronger in terms of love or relationship, but right now perhaps it’s still too early to say. I will create my own ending. I will make it my own. I don’t want him in my life. There is someone else for me. Even if he didn’t have an ex problem regardless I still don’t think we were going to last with his immaturity, self esteems and anger problem. I wanted to talk to someone about it. I thought of Giam. I don’t know why, perhaps because he was there. But another thing I learn is to listen to the little voice inside me. The little voice is called an instinct, it supposed to protect us from harm. How much of it should I believe in the little voice? You may ask. I guessed you can conduct a little experiment to see the result of whether the little voice is legit. I am not in any rush with anything. I simply am not. I believe each of us have our own time. We’ll be ready when we are no matter what that may be. No matter who I will encounter in the future. It’s a yet to come exciting journey, that money obviously cannot fully buy. It’s an emotional experience. I like love and still do. I think love at the end of the day is a beautiful thing.

The love I have for my sister is a tough one. I love her, but it’s a tough love. We care for each other and we know we love each other without having to reaffirm to ask each other “do you love me?” Because we just know we do. She and I really get along. I love her and this is a person I need to take care right now and watch over. She is someone who thinks highly of me, is someone who is secretly proud of me. Someone who looks up to me. I am very fortunate to have this experience and to be put in this situation. And all the credit also goes to my dad who wanted a sister for me. This girl is a tough cookie too. Strong, manly, selfless, caring, and considerate.

Chad, it is such a dismay that our love ended the way it did. I didn’t thought highly of it either, but to continually test it, for whatever reason it is. I believe that I write my own story. I believe in learning the hard way if I don’t want to learn the easier way. Perhaps I will learnt to learn things the easy way in the future. I can’t say fully that I love you. People told me you just do. That you would just know it. I still want to explore this side of things. I still wanted to tap into whether love have reason or perhaps love actually do have reasons and lust doesn’t. I can proudly say that I still have loved anyone outside of my family. Even if my body isn’t pure, but the love I reserved for that one person who I will become “one” is still haven’t been taken by anybody. I wanted to be honest with myself and my emotion. The worse thing I could do is to lie to myself. What other area have I not explore? Also I don’t want to believe in lies. I don’t want to believe that my sign do a certain xyz solely because I belong to that sign. It seems too unoriginal. Other signs have ways that they coup and deal with pain. I have even thought of writing my own story to sell and make money. I am not going to lie but I like the idea of having financial security. Most people would like it also. But I don’t want to put my hope and trust in something as manmade as monetary possession because the only one true God is the only one true more than security for me. The God that doesn’t fluctuate because of inflation. The God that Trump has no other way to tap. The God of all thing on Earth and Above. The God of all know. The beautiful, almighty God that I worship and pray to. The God that give me all things he sees is good. The God that ho gifted me with creative expression and ideas. The God who rescue me from harm. The God who have the BEST plan for me. The God who love me conditionally. The God who Is more than I could describe. The God who called me his child. The God who loves.

Honestly Chad gave the ultimate experience I didn’t want. Schaffer was a definition of immature and Chad was too. Man, I don’t want to loose hope that most guys are literally stuck in a boy mind with adult body. It seems to be that way and I sucks because that means relying on them is not the best idea.

To sum it up a bit. For a relationship to work, it takes perhaps at least one reasonable partner who is patience and kind. It also takes humor. It take similar emotion interest. It takes communication and it takes forgiveness. There will be so much more guys in the future to study. I just need to have a stable career and gain more confidence along the journey. There is so much for to life than to dwell on something that I meant for only a season and is meant to only a certain time. The season has come to an end. It was a lustful experience that has pain as an end result. It only went so far because lust doesn’t last, love will.

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