This is a question I have because when things get difficult, I will break it off because it seems like things are not getting better. Mostly, I felt that he cannot handle me. I believed that the right person perhaps might be able to handle me when I am being unreasonable. For instance, I had love it if they would speak to me calmly and not be hurtful even when I was being unreasonable. I know I am being unreasonable at times, my feelings get hurt when I expected certain things and did not received like if I myself out of the car and I called the handyman, I expected my bf to come with me during the process. He didn’t and that hurts me. To me that is saying he doesn’t care. Or when I told him I felt like crying, to me if he didn’t do anything about but only said that now he felt bad, well that right there means that he didn’t care. Because if someone were to say that to me, I would seek them out. I questioned whether he truly cares. Whenever we argued it seemed like he was always so hurtful, talking about his past relationship that he put in so much more in this relationship than his last or that my action made him more appreciative of his ex and what she did. OMG, thinking about it makes me felt disgusted and pitied. He was such a toxic guy. There were moments when I questioned his genuineness. How can someone be so hurtful with his words like how he tried to hurt me.
I questioned whether I have commitment issue or simply because I foresee that this relationship was actually not going to work. It seems to me that I can’t be direct with him because he would just burst. I felt that I had to walk on an egg shell with him when I want to in fact just say things. I don’t know what went wrong. I can’t go back if I can’t figured it out. Is it me or is it him? Perhaps both, perhaps more him than me or more me than him. I couldn’t decide. Perhaps this is also another reason why I have harder time moving on? Again, I felt like I can’t be honest with him because he will just burst; get angry and bang on stuff. He can hardly control his emotion like a normal person. The stuff he said to me, if I were to be the one who said those things instead, he would probably hurt me physically. This guy is toxic, but it is sad because I want to see people be better, I want to see him be better. But I, myself, also gets hurt feelings too like whenever I tried to help then if he gets angry then it’s simply a cycle. I honestly, tired of trying to figured this out. I truly am tired. I don’t want to guilt anyone but I just wanted to see him be better. I feel a little sorry for him. I feel like he doesn’t want to listen to me either. What you have fought about in the past, you will fight about it again is the line I read from mydailyhoroscope.com
Honestly, I am no where near perfect and I have my ideal vision about relationship that I supposed to help two people be better right? I don’t know if what I am expecting was too much or impossible, but I do expect them. I expect my bf to help, love, and support me. I feel like if they do, then I will too, but if not then I can’t because I think I will be disappointed such as giving too much and did not get a return will disappoint me.
No one I know said that he was good for me. I can say that I wasn’t perfect either. I can be resentful. And it would take a lot of me to not be anymore, like he would have to sincerely realized what he did is wronged. But I felt that he apologized just for the sake of apologizing. Just so I could forgive him, just so I wouldn’t be mad at him, which is manipulative.
I don’t know the more I talked about this, the more I realized that I am upset. I don’t know what to do. I know that if I were to be with him again, I would still be resentful because he had no idea what he did wronged. That he absolutely can’t admit his fault. I probably want him to sincerely apologized. I can’t forgive him right on the spot, he would have to earn it with time. One apology will not fix anything. I probably won’t get what I want anyway if I were to meet and talk to him. I don’t know if I am going to get it or not, but I really want to talk, I do. I see it more clearly. I don’t know if I care about him, but I want him to treat me better, to at least respect another human being. I want to treat him with more respect as well.
I have high expectation with love and with the person I will be with. Perhaps because I am raised that way. My dad provided everything for me. He is always there. Always there helping me. Carrying all the groceries. Fixing my car when he didn’t properly knew how. Cook for me. Surprised me. You see, there is probably not a single other person in the world who will does all these things for me.