I’ve heard

Someone had told me that one the remedy for getting over pain, heartbreak, disappointment, events that trigger negative feelings inside us is to get in touch with the things you love. Whether that be getting new jobs, following yours dreams, or writing are things that might as well heal you.

Writing has been something that I often go to whenever something disappointing happened in my life. I just know that I have got to write to express what is inside of me. It has been a door for me to release, to enter, and pour my feelings in. It is a blessing.

I’ve been through a heartbreak. It has been something that a written word cannot fully expressed. The word I could think of is pain, questions, sadness, confusions, dissatisfy. Questions are a big one. A huge one.

I’ve been going to a therapist. She told me many things. Things that I hear, but may not have it them in. Things that I’ve heard and it made me feel pain and sad. The word rebound, manipulation for instance.

I think I am frustrated that I can’t be honest when I was in the relationship. That’s why I could get out of the whirlwind, the circle, the lost. I was circling around the answers. I wasn’t able to break free from whatever I was fearing–disappointment. There was conflicts, lots of it. I was battling with the problem of relationship as well as my own.

I couldn’t seem to say what I felt. I couldn’t express all of my concern, worries, and doubts. I didn’t my break through moment. It has always been lurking around what I wanted to say, but did not get to or fear the outcome.

I just don’t seem to win myself in the process. The problem wasn’t the relationship itself. The problem was me. That I wasn’t able to be honest with myself. That I wasn’t able to be strong enough to listen to my conscious, which is why I was circling around this idea of him that it was his fault. Regardless of what happened, I wasn’t able to let it go because I wasn’t able to be strong enough, honest enough to win myself.

That I didn’t say no when I need to. That I didn’t stand up for what I believe in. That I just let it happened. That I let it happened to me. That I didn’t say “this is enough.” That I didn’t tell him exactly how I felt. That I was weak. I was weak. I was not able to stand up for the things I believe in. That I just let it happened to me. That I didn’t stood up for myself. That I was weak.

Yes, I was weak. But I at the same time, I can start building myself up, one-by-one, piece-by-piece. There is nothing in this world (beside God) that will make me completely disappear. Not relationship, not failure, not laziness, not unrequited love, not loneliness, not disappointment. I want to live life without fear. Analyze things that came my way. Stand up for myself. Say and know all the right things, yet believe them to the core.

God says to not be afraid. He said He is protecting me. He said that I wouldn’t let anything temp me beyond my willingness to coup/deal with them. He will always be with me. There is nothing that could separate us, none. I am his and will always be. One guy, compared to him, is incomparable. God is bigger than all my worries, fears, and anything and everything.


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