The letter that is not sent

Dear C,

So many thing has gone wrong in our relationship. The thing we promised each other in the beginning has in fact became pitfall of our relationship. We had the best intention for each other and our relationship, which is to be honest with each other, we just didn’t know how to follow through it or how to do it. We set each other up for such failures. We did. It was something both of us rushed into not knowing the consequences. It was such a mistakes. It was. There were so many mistakes and looking back, it is not a surprise why it failed.

I didn’t like that it didn’t work out, neither of us were ready. Neither of us knew what was going on. Neither of us were experience or mature. It was truly not a surprised. We’re both naive, inexperience, and to be frank stupid or at least I felt that I was many times.

I honestly had the best intention to begin, but it just didn’t work the way I had hope to be because there are moment when I think I should let my “feelings” or the flow of relationship takes us, basically going for it without any rules, regulations, or limits. That was a mistakes. I thought that relationship, even if I wanted it to be a certain, has no bound, so I disregard how I think I should have date to just letting it be. Well, like anything in this world, letting it be is not the best approach, because often time that is the recipe for failure and I was fortunate enough to be a witness myself, how lucky isn’t it. Like anything in the world, there are rules and regulations on how to do it and aim for doing it right. These rules aren’t meant to limit, but it, rather meant to contain and to protect. There are countless of people who have fail in relationship before in the past. Actually, people are still failing it as I type! The reason why they fail was partially because they didn’t follow the rule and decided to do whatever they want, which is a recipe for failure.

I am glad I have found you. I do. I made a lot of mistakes. I learn about it as well. We were both extremely clueless. We had the best intention, we were just lost in it. We were a lost couple.

You had your baggage coming in that you didn’t deal with it or couldn’t seem to find a way out of it. I had my problems too. I was naive. I was this naive girl who fail to recognize that you had problem and didn’t take the courage to step in to address the issues. Instead, what I did was simply wait, I was waiting that perhaps you’ll be out of it, that maybe I could help you out of it. Well, that ain’t happening. It wasn’t fast until I started the process called resentment towards you. Towards how you kept every single pieces of your last relationship to a tea that you did not even got rid of the old cookies she gave you. It is pathetic. I am sorry, but it is truly, absolutely pathetic. You’re absolutely pathetic to do such things to yourself. To hold on to something that supposed to teach you great lessons about whatever it may be about this relationship, take it, thank it, and move on from it. Unfortunately, one of the biggest mistakes you made was that you continuously lie to yourself, keep hurting yourself in the process. You were still talking to her. And people do this all the time (no wonder why they are not over their exesssss, excess). We as human have such tendency to blame other things, we blame everyone and everything, except ourselves. It is as shame how blind we can be. It is unfortunate, how we struggle to come out of the hole we got caught into. It is like digging deep and deeper into something that is nothing when in reality the right spot for goal is inside your heart and mind. We were digging for the wrong reason, wrong spot, wrong everything and we become lost in it and some of us have no way out of it, but to end our lives. I am a little of topic, but I am not going to lie. I pick you, yes, I did. I had a crush and this crush of mine literally seems really good. He seemed like someone I would like to know. I did. But I was scared. I was scared of rejection. I did. We talked to each other at one point and literally, I made an excuse to leave to go somewhere else. Next time, if I like someone, may be a challenge to myself is to go for it and face that fear of mine. I admired that you asked me out. That right there capture me quite a bit, even though I liked you, but was still unsure about you. You gave me that “safe” spot because I sort of knew that you wouldn’t reject me. But you still didn’t really know me, so that fear at times still lurks its head around whenever things are going well, etc.

I didn’t quite seem to be opening up to you anytime soon because there were always problems in our relationships. You came in with problems. I can list a few I observed.

  1. insecurity – body image issue, jealousy
  2. immaturity – inability to distinguish your sensory input, inability to reason with self; the lack of self-awareness
  3. close mindedness – inability to get-out-of comfort zone, to try new things, to openminded to different settings and ideas, to grow
  4. self-love
  5. Respect
  6. Believe
  7. Values

I can point fingers all day wrong about you, but you’re not alone in this because I have them too. I was weak to not being able to stand up for my values, the thing I strongly believed in, I let you bend it. I was not able to say “NO” when relationship is bad or things doesn’t seem right. I recognize it, but I fail to discuss or do anything about it. I also didn’t love myself well enough. You and me are not whole, so we seek in each of us to make us feel whole and what not, but what we each didn’t know is that we were both half or not even close to being full with ourselves, so there is no way our relationship could have work or worked when both of us lacks so much of ourselves.

We were both emotional, sensitive beings. Our argument style were very different. You’re so aggressive and verbally and emotionally hurtful. I was passively aggressive, I basically shut down and you were not talking to me, but a wall that continuously thickens over the course that lead to our break up. I could have been mean or rude, yes, I could, but you’re NOT going to see Me angry, because you’re not worth 2 cents to any reaction of me to you. You’re not worth it to even see me get angry, but you made me very defensive, very quickly.

I can easily do the blame game the entire writing, but I know that it’s not how this should be, because it is not going to make me feel better or make any difference.

I reserved saying I love you, because I don’t know or confused to say whether or not I do. I might perhaps felt loved by you at one point in time. I did. I felt love by you for whatever reason maybe. I felt it. You made me feel love. I don’t know whether what kind of love it was, but overtime it quickly proved to be quite short-lived. It disappeared just as fast as it arrived. We were in conflict a lot. Little things made us feel negative with each other. I don’t know if I am the only one still dwelling on this, but it did mean a lot to me, otherwise, I probably not writing about it until now.

It teaches me though, quite a lot. I learn a lot. I am sleepy now.

I did see you getting old, I had that image of you at one point when you were in the kitchen and I was sitting in your circle dinning table. I don’t know what I see in you. At one point when Roxanne asked what did I like about you, I honestly couldn’t answer her questions, so there aren’t really anything I liked about you. I just liked what you did for me. So I answered, “he drive for me, sometimes made me eggs.” Well if this was an exam, I would failed beyond an F. It was a bad answer that showed no depth and a wrong answer for a prompt. I might be an A if I say “I like how encourage me, care of me deeply, support me with my dreams and goals, that he push me to reach my full potentials,  that he respect me, that he is strong, yet gentle and kind, that he put me first, that he loves God and is devoted to be perfect.” There was none or close to that. There was genuinely zero and I can’t say those answer because that would be cheating. That would be a big, strong lie.

I don’t want to say that I met a bad guy, but to me that the moment, you were not the best guy I should have been involved with and I cannot blame anyone but myself. I was foolish to not have recognized it and even if I did recognize it, I was blind or ignored/lied to myself.

I was such a shame, but these are one of the fews that I would want to talk about to you. However, I don’t think I am going to do anything beyond writing it out. All I can do now is to be honest with myself. With my feelings.

I don’t know why, but every time, I thought of saying the word love, I would corrected myself. Even though I was infatuated by you, I think I am slowly letting you go, piece-by-piece. Do I want you to read this, probably. Of course.

There will always be part of me that maybe misses you, which is normal, it was 4 months of sexual and tension. It wasn’t truly love, not the love I associated with any way. It lustful and selfish most of the time. We were not honest with each other. I lied about how I felt. You lied about how you felt. No wonder why it didn’t last. Anyhow, I am going to end this. The story will soon come to an end. It will come to an end with I stop caring basically. Unlike you, who hold on to your exes, good news is I don’t. I just thinking about them, it is that simple. They are out sight, out of my life and I see that as a good thing. Don’t worry, you’re next in line. I am glad you’re approaching. I am not going to date anyone longer than 3 months, heck, I wish it was sooner. Hopefully I will get to the point when I can tell the difference and end it whenever I felt it that this is not going to work etc. And no one, I mean, on one can or will convince me otherwise. Break up wise is the same, I hope I will get to the point where it wouldn’t take me nearly as long to get over them where I checked them out of my mind permanently. I am glad that I am getting there. Honestly, times can heal in this context. I know when I am getting over someone when I am back to being my best self. And starting to love life more. Or starting to be excited again. Or start to find/do something new. Someone I know once said that we all have our timing. As much as I wanted mine to be at a certain time. I had like to say mine will not last more than 3-4 months, which I think will be the case. I will probably have to get back on it whether or not it’s true. But for now, things are getting more optimistic. I have 2 big tests coming up and I am worry. Even this issue has been consuming most of my mind, well I guess we tend to worry about something anyway. Not test or relationship, not relationship, but money, not money then relationship, etc.

Sometimes I think, do we actually know when I find “the one.” I’ve heard some people just knew. While some take longer to know. I might belong to the second category where it might take me not a love at first sight, but through the test of time. I want to be save than sorry, hahaha.

You know all of these page after page of me talking about relationship when it ended, well, I would probably look back into it with laughter. With a sense of adorableness. Look what young Cam have to go through and how those experience now became extremely irrelevant to her and where she is now. perhaps these experiences shaped her to the person she became. A good question is to which extent did it shaped her or grounded her.

There were part of me that wanted to blamed the fact that you, yourself, didn’t forget about your ex and basically trying to find a replacement of her or trying to fill whatever void you have and because of that our relationship didn’t work. It would not be true necessarily. Perhaps, the reason why it fail was because I were people who were immature, didn’t love ourselves, and were strong enough to handle it. That was the truth, we didn’t know how to deal with it. I am not going to lie, I think there may be a potential to connect. We were sort of alike yet very different.

We was more out going, we were not. You were willing to try new, weird things at the grocery store, I stick to the same thing I know I like. The obvious one is you are okay with living with a pet, I didn’t. You love to cook more than going out to eat, you can’t really eat my food. I was making sure of that, because it would make marriage difficult if our eating style vastly different. You like to lift, I don’t care about it too much, I rather do yoga or cardio. I don’t know what sex is to you, but for me it is literally the expression of love through physical intimacy. I felt like we didn’t quite reach there. Sex with you felt more like a service, chore, than the expression of love I wanted it to be, which is the expression of love we have and devote for each other.

I sure wanted to fix it, but that might as well be another lie I might/would have created. Relationship is not a one way street, it has to be both and it has to be when both of us are ready and more than half fill. We need to be able to fill each other, not only ourselves. If we can’t fill each other first then there will be a struggle and challenges in the relationship. We’re barely filling ourselves, there is no way we can fill each other.

One thing I learned now is that I actually take relationship very seriously, (perhaps more than I should). I have a really high expectation of how relationship are ought to be, should be, should feel, etc. It is like having a plant. I think it should be sweet, gentle, kind, and loving majority of the time. I can certainly be vindictive, passive, sensitive, and jealous. These are traits that is the opposite of what I wanted it to be. I wanted this love, this ideal love that I share with one other person. I don’t want it to turn resentful. I want it to grow and be appreciated and cherish. I want it to be good. I just need to know all the steps and ways to make it happen, which usually is the more challenging part/aspects. I want both of us to grow and be on the same page. I want us to grow with each other and more importantly with God.

For now I had to end it for now because I have to get my work done. It has been a therapeutic experience. This guy right next to me though, is talking loudly on the phone and seriously this is a studying space. It is sort of inappropriate and inconsiderate. He is absolutely unaware.. even though I kept giving him this look. Huh… smh He finally looked at me, well being the person that I am even though I wanted to give him the can you be quiet look, well I just politely smile heeeeeeeawwww…

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