I love to write

It has been such a burden. I have to be strong. My heart says one thing, my head says another. I may be infatuated or loved I don’t know with someone who weren’t available or perhaps has many baggage. I am living the consequences for sure and it’s painful. Everybody tells me no. But I still feel what I feel. It is extremely difficult that I can’t do anything about it. I had no idea that this is happening to me. I don’t understand why, turn this way. I want to do what I want to do. I do. I want to do what I want to do. I want to talk to him. I miss him. I probably loved him more than I should.

Chad, I really miss you. I wish you would text me. Asking how I am doing. It doesn’t matter what you did to me because I might have love you. My heart hurts so much because of you. My love though is probably not reciprocate, but at least, I guess I don’t know what my feelings are like. Perhaps I am experiencing “love” when it’s gone. Perhaps it took me longer to realized my own feelings. Perhaps I wasn’t honest with how I felt. I want to talk to you, to text you. To see how you’re doing. You never made an effort to text. You didn’t and that’s ok. I miss you. I want to kiss, hug, and hug you more tighter. Even if your heart doesn’t belong to me, well, perhaps I did loved you and I don’t know what happened but it turned really bad. You hurt me once and you probably, highly will hurt me again. I can’t do that to myself. As it has been painful. I don’t know if this is love or what as I don’t know what love really felt like. I miss you and I don’t know what to do about it. Everyone told me no. Don’t do it. No, moved on. No, focus on yourself. I’m here still thinking about you. My stomach hurts.

Jesus, is he no the one you prepare for me. I need you, but I sound like a hypocrite that I am. I don’t know what to do, my Lord. Please help me. I need you because I cannot do it on my own. Lord, I absolutely can’t. Lord, I need you. So so much. Please, my Lord. I need you. This man if he isn’t what you prepare for me, please heal my pain, it has been long enough, it has been painful enough. I want him out of my brain, heart, and me. I want him gone. I don’t want to look for him. I want him away from my thought. I want to no having to think about him. My mind has been occupy with his thought.

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