I drew a calendar to continue crossing it off for days I didn’t talk to him. The goal is achieve a consecutive crossing. Some said it take ~21 days to form a habit. I want to make this mine. It hasn’t been the easiest task, but it is going and the overall results were better. Results are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally better.
Isn’t a shame that I still wish to do things with him. It’s not necessarily doing it with anyone, but with him, together. People might say, I’m crazy. Heck, I think I’m kind of crazy. No, not kind of. I’m crazy.
We ended our conversation with him calling me not being empathetic that it’s a trait of a sociopath. Wow, right.
All I wanted was to talk to him. I miss him. But look what it had turned into.
Perhaps I received what I had prayed for. I haven’t loved anyone outside of my family. More like, I haven’t had romantic love. I can’t say that anyone more because I do. It’s a weird phenomenon.
I have it when it’s gone. I have it when the person have tried to move on. I have it when they don’t value it. I have it when loving is hard. And it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not being reciprocated.
I continue to learn even though, it ended. I need to keep my streak. Crossing it Day-by-day. Letting it heal me one-by-one. Making me grow.
There is no doubt I wish all of these interactions with him. No doubt I wanted it to be him. At the same time, I’m going into the fire. I’m burning myself. I’m hurting myself, my soul. My spirit. It hasn’t been uplifting. It has been anguished. Deceit. Turmoil.
It better off suffering in the pain called missing than living in the unmet, frustration, and unwillingness to get along.
There is doubt I love Chad Evans. Saying/typing this hurts. This heart break still taunt me day and night. It never completely subsided or gone away. It remained a question. Empty spaces that need to be filled. It represents a different lock and key that doesn’t quite open. It represents the unwillingness to be vulnerable. To trust. It represents having to turn the other way, to begin a different direction. It’s not a bad thing and is wise. The hardest part is what makes us human. It’s the emotion. The lingering ties, attachment, hope, and dreams.
I did felt complete at some point. It had been fulfilled. Yet, I cannot deal with anger. Knowing the person has it and it’s a trait that they have to make an active choice I get rid off. I can’t make them. I either have to accept or not accept. Accept means becoming desensitized to it every time it comes at me. Deny in this case is choosing what’s better for me because it’s out there.
This writing is meant to be something I love doing. I enjoy writing a lot. It’s beautiful that I enjoyed it. It’s something I want that person to also see that it’s beautiful just like I do.
I pray that the person I will marry is someone who would love God and strive to be more like him. To love like him, to love others like him. To be a patience person, to be kind. Is not quick to temper and anger. For us to put each other first. Care for each other in good times and in bad times. To be on the same team.
People change. They do. I do. He did. We can’t work through our differences, problems. We’re a different chapter in a different book that has somehow intersect each other’s lives. Perhaps were sat next to each other, side-by-side on the same bookshelf. We’re of a different genre.
CE and I.
I will continue to love and pray for you until I have to no more. Until, I feel no more for you. Until, I’m free.
Emotions and God, please help me.