running thought

it is 2:30 a.m. The best part about my day today was skating at the park. It was relaxing. I was hoping to get my mind of things that are bothering me. Skating or playing tennis serve as an escape. However, my mind if still thinking something that is bothering me. I felt tired but my mind kept running about something that I couldn’t resolved, so here I am trying to organize my feeling to figure out exactly what is bothering me about today’s experience. I am going to be honest, so I could gained some clarity.

I think what has been bothering me was the lunch I had today with a coworker I met at work. Maybe there is something that made me uncomfortable. So I like chill out and not think too much about anything. But for some reasons I didn’t feel completely myself around the person. First off, I hate waiting for people and I waited 30 minutes for him to show up. That was not fun. It was disappointing and I would hate if I do that to others. The talking was meh too, it seems too shallow for me. I like to get deeper than the surface when it comes to conversation, but the conversation was just kind of boring. I personally do not like lunch or eating related meet-up in general because I would have to eat and talk almost at the same time and it was just bad timing. Next time, I will not agree to any of the eating related get-to-know someone meeting. Period. It was too uncomfortable. Yeah, the date was honestly just boring and I feel like I didn’t get any exchange of information, in another word, I feel like I didn’t really learn much about the person, but oh well. This is just coming from my point of view. I also hated it when people think I am sweet, simply for their first impression of me. I know I am not “sweet,” and the assumption was kind of agin bothersome. I am just me. Someone who is brutally honest with the people I know and definitely not sweet. What else, yeah the meeting was just not fun and I will not be agreeing for the second meeting. It is just not my vibe and I think the reason it has been bothering me was because it didn’t went well and I need to learn not to be caught up in something that I can’t control. I’ve had about 5 meeting with different people this month, which seem like a lot, but still I didn’t feel any sort of awkwardness or uncomfortability. Also, I feel like it is only awkward if you make it so.

Another lesson I learn is to not be more than friend with people I work with. It is just uncomfortable if something went wrong. It is definitely not something pleasant and I am learning it for the second time now and it won’t be the third time around. Period. Twice is enough. So all in all, I just wanted vent that there are situations that you can’t control and it is something that already happened and there is no need to worry about. Next time, assess the situation better. If it might seem uncomfortable then don’t do it. If the pros weight less than the cons then better not to act on it even though in the moment you didn’t really see what could go wrong. I am guilty of having a double standard also, so I can’t fault him for feeling a certain way because I would definitely feel the same way if that were to happened to me. But again there was no damage being done, therefore, I would just forget about the incident. Therefore, I understand where he was coming from, but I might have handle it differently. But that still didn’t excuse the fact that the conversation was not engaging for me. Still, it is ok that all of this happened and I am not going to beat myself up for it. I need to learn not to worry about things I can’t control and that not everything will go according to my expectation. Let it go and move-on, there is really nothing to worry about. It will passed and life goes on with or without me. I have goals and dreams I need to full-fill. There are so much more to do and to live for. Don’t let one set back beat yourself up and make you worry that cause you to not fall asleep like usual. This is, again, another lesson learn and it is good. You know what you learn to like or dislike. I also need to also learn to say no sometimes and I am really bad at this. There are many times where I just cannot say no when someone ask to hangout. So I need to learn to be strong and say “no.”

The lesson learn are:

-don’t worry about something you can’t control

-learn to say NO

-if things do not go according to expectation, don’t beat yourself up

-you only make it awkward if you feel it; deception makes it reality

Ok I take it back partially that the date didn’t went well. The conversation wasn’t entirely boring, but perhaps the situation was not something I preferred. There are so many things gone wronged that just makes the meeting sucks. I take most of it back. There was just more things gone wrongs than rights and it made the entire date sucks. So, all in all I just need to calm myself down and breath. Next time, choose a low-key kind of date where you know you can handle and feel comfortable.

Dates you like

-walking in the park

-doing activities

Dates you don’t like (even though you did give it a try):

  • having to have a meal sort of date (except picnic)
  • watching a movie date

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