Life and Its Comfort-zone

Sometimes, I battle with my own thoughts and ideas and I need to develop confidence to come up with a solid decision on how I feel and whether or not I could support my feeling. I’m not talking about a career goal. But something more trivial. I am talking about my dealing with people I work with. I honestly could say that i work better alone and like (what I’d like to think) most people, I love autonomy. Some people might do just fine working with others and actually enjoy cooperation. If not great, they are able to make it bearable, enjoyable, and stress-free. I, on the other hand, do feel like I’m closer to the point where I can be more myself working with about 7-8 people in such a tiny space where everyone is constantly bumping to each other. Feeling free and able to be mostly, comfortably myself at work is, if not, one of the most important aspect of a job because I can execute myself best when I feel flexible and free. Of course, I don’t think I could grow or developed as much if not for the challenges. However, challenges come in many different forms. This particular challenge was dealing with a co-worker who is not technically your boss but kind of your boss when the “Boss” is not around. Basically, this lady is a shift manger and she assigned who will do what and when and where at work of the day. I have to say that I actually really do enjoy working at this job. My pro is the pace of the job but my low is my superiors (obviously). She is annoying. Short and sweet evil. I don’t know if it’s my personality or what but my superior, well this particular superior doesn’t seem to like me. And honestly I could careless. I don’t really care. But it bogged me down of having to go to work with a tiny splinter on your foot that is bothering you here and there. I was ok with her. But the thing about me is that I appear confident more so than the average. I hate people taking advantage of me or just imply being a b****. I treat people with decency and I don’t usually like being rude to people without reason. I feel like people could take advantage of me and my kindness or decenci-ness at times. And this shift manager sort of demonstrated that. She made me into support which I don’t mind, because I’m just over with whatever position I preferred or not preferred. As long as it’s not obnoxiously changing then I, at least, see the reason of the switch. I was on oven in the beginning and I was doing good and she then decided to come over when they were big orders coming in and decided to switch to being a support. This stupid shift manger was like you’re running behind when I WAS NOT, she just barged in at the wrong time and I could explain to her that her interpretation was not accurate but I was to fed-up to argue and just dow whatever was asked. And thinking about it now that pissed me off! But at the point in time, I was like whatever, I can be at drive-thru taking orders. It’s easy and I do enjoy that too. It will be a change that just help me be more flexible. I was taking order for awhile until this manager decided to put me back on food again which being the decency person that I am, I was fine with it and was just over being picky or annoyed and etc. I simply didn’t care and simply did what was told. Period. Period. Period. Until, before the end of my shift, she asked me to do a crap ton of trash run which again I was just over it and simply did what was told. I bared and bared the entire day with this human-being. But it snapped at me when she decided to pull aside to talk about a bunch of bull crap. She was like “uh this morning, when I asked you too put up orders, instead of doing ice, I wanted you to listen better.” Cheese :). I replied that I didn’t have the headset on me when she said it and she was like “no, I told you not through the headset.” Ok, ok, ok, ok. Paparazzi. “Another thing, I noticed you have a body odor.” Me: “what, what does it smelled like.” Banana: “maybe it was something you ate…” Me: “What does it smelt like.” After a bunch of bugging she finally said it smelt like something burnt. It only took five years for that simple answer. Then it clicked me that my dad has been burning lemon peel to char off the mosquitoes and of course it got on my cloths and hair. She was just an idiot and I am no less off thinking of her that way. She said it was something pungent. And I also thought maybe she smelled my period? Even though I wasn’t on my period this morning but it was supposed on come today and it did in the evening. Anyway, after the hideous 7 min conversation, I decided to asked my other co-workers that being like 4 other people whether or not they smell something on me. And none of said anything. They are either lying or they just didn’t smell anything. Maybe this is because I’m on my first day of period and I just take things/comments personally or she was coming from a good, decent place, or simply couldn’t handle the smell, which so far no one noticed it except her. She said that she has been smelling it since yesterday which I admitted that it has been this week when my dad started the process. I didn’t like the Smokey odor but I didn’t mind it. Apparently she does. Here is why I am analyzing this situation. My feeling is saying that she is trying to reduce my confidence and I could come of as confidence and that can be intimidating to others especially if they’re in a position of power because I care but at the same time doesn’t care because I treat everyone pretty much the same but maybe not, well I hate people ordering me around and it is easy to tie or tamed me down. Maybe she felt a feeling of incorporation from me, which I honestly didn’t mean to come off that way. I literally don’t know how to act and maybe that is because I simply don’t take order well or she despised me. I tend to calmed myself most of time and felt that there is something I could do better always. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt before I blamed others. And it is not like I can’t or not tend to blame others. I see both side and sometimes, I second guessed myself or simply over thinking the situation. The zodiac said it is difficult to separate my feeling from my decision. It basically says that I may seem logical but cannot also put aside my feelings. I know I can take every comments, words, actions to heart/personally. I aimed for perfection and when it wasn’t being reciprocated then I felt unappreciated, frustrated, and annoyed. I feel hateful towards those in power. I felt like punching someone in the face. Sort of like that. Well not really. But I felt like I do ciew others with the best intentions but when they proved to me otherwise then I feel like they’re not worth anything. And that is probably twisted but I am nice until I’m not and it’s not easy not being nice. It hurt and tired me but I also felt like they deserved the cold shoulder and me not even seeing them in the first place. They’re invisible to me. Nobody. A no one. Nothing to me. Like something I didn’t even noticed or considered. I can turn cold and hostile and they will feel it. I don’t want to having to make anyone feel I like such but that’s my dark side. And I’m taking about it now and it’s not tha I’m proud of it. I drained me to treat someone like they’re nothing to me. I don’t like doing it but sometimes I can’t let them just treat me like crap and walk all over me and took advantage of my kindness. This type of people don’t deserved my noticing them. They’re nothing to me. And I don’t know if I can truly do that but again I hurt me too to that to someone. It makes me equally unhappy, gloomy, and dull. I’m not sure what else to vent about beside all the things I already wrote. I need to pray and ask God for what He wanted me to understand or blinded to recognize. 

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