Here I am..

.. expressing myself, not knowing what career path I choose. I feel like I know what I wanted but somehow fear of making a mistake.

I exceeded the maximum login on my laptop, so here I am.. writing on my phone. I’m feeling lost of motivation. The cure you may asked? A good Chinese food. I am not searching for job, but mind I say, career. Even the idea of the word itself is scary, why? It’s because I feared being stuck in something I’m unhappy with. I feared wasting my time on something that is just isn’t for me. I took a career test or this aptitude test, someone had told me to take. Anyhow, the fact that I don’t know what I’ll do makes me upset at people who tried to tell me what to do. I’m sure they meant well, but I took it as annoyance. I’m stuck. I’m not happy with this new job I got. And the question I have is whether I should stay, make money and perhaps try to be patience and study on the job or quit all together because I didn’t want to go to work anymore. I tried delivering food and that is also very boring. The question I now have for myself is whether I wanted to work or not in this life. It seems like everything is a means to end, day-in-and-day-out. I don’t know if I would ever work now since everything seems boring or will eventually gets boring. I wanted to be a doctor. I should go for it. Like do it. Regardless of how far reaching it many seemed and I’m scared. I’m really scared of the work like studying for the MCAT. I’m really scared of that. Of failing. I lost my motivation. I lost my sense of self. I starting to feel worthless—with no purpose, no goal. I become bored. And I don’t know what to do.

Is there such thing as living like you haven’t work a day in your life? Well right now, I feel like working everyday. I wanted a house for my family and if I quit the job now then it would be harder to obtain that. I don’t know what to do. I want to get away. I’m tired of working like life is a mean to an end. I genuinely feel like I need to reassess myself and my priorities. Most importantly, I need to stop feeling like I have to work to support people. I need to don’t care what people think for my decision. I need to start living for myself. I need to come up with a plan I genuinely never created. I need to come up with a plan to quit this job and look forward to something else. Life is too short to be unhappy.

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