The day before 4th of July

You will soon realized that this post really has nothing to do with the day before the fourth but in fact was just a title I came up with on a wimp. That being say I thought that today was still 3rd of July but in fact, it’s the 4th of July now at 3:15 am. Anyways enough with the explanation. I was just, you know, giving the intro; my first thought, leading to a segment that ignites my original thoughts and curiosity of where this might led. And like a feeling, it did go somewhere. Surprise. The thought that started this post was when something trigged me to look up my high school crush on the internet. He was and maybe a littler bit still is my biggest brush, Crush, I’ve ever had and I guess in someways that was special as almost 8 years had passed. I guess he was like my super crush you can say. And it was sad because he has a new relationship with a girl and they seemed to be going strong, really strong. I did wish the best for him and hoped it works out at the end. Because, last time I “internet(Ed) him” he broke up with his high school sweet heart and had this new relationship maybe after a year or two. He went from blond to brunette. His mom and sister and family is a brunette. Anyways, I did really like him and I guess a tiny tiny part of me still has a crush on him even years later. I’m a sucker for gorgeous smile and he has it, still does. He smiles with his eyes which is the most genuine thing ever and even though I barely had any conversation with him or knew him. I was infatuated with him and not in a grossed way, ok, but sweet, puppy, and pure way. I wish I could’ve just talk to him more. He is my very few regrets in life. I was obsessed with him and I also love the sound of his name. Anyways, if he ever broke up with the law school girl, I will try to insert myself in his dm? I doubt it though, I don’t know if I could, but I like to think, no, I know God has the best plan for me when I follow him. Look, I have a feeling that he will be married to this girl soon. It doesn’t take long for most Christian men to marry the right person, less than 2 years. They usually married within a year. Anyhow, she seemed sweet and nice and feminine for him; like a sweet heart. It would’ve match well with his personality. Me, on the other hand, would’ve been too strong of a personality for his. But I wouldn’t know for sure unless, you know. Like I say following through with the original sparks was in a way, bitter sweet. That after all these years I still have a crush on him and that I get to express my feelings of regrets for being too insecure and awkward to even try talking to him more; flirt. I didn’t know how at the time. I mean I can be friendly and not froze up when he was around. I am pretty sure I forgot how to breath when I saw him in the hallway or even walked pass him in the hallway. Man, thinking about it now, the feelings I had and still have didn’t change. I remembered it exactly, exactly how I felt in high school. I didn’t think that I would be a good match for him so I just cut myself out of the competition; that I wasn’t ready or worthy or why would he even like me back. And even if he did, I was too afraid. It was dumb and upsetting that I didn’t take a chance that I wasn’t willing to and still regretted after all these years have passed. All because I couldn’t handle rejection of any sources and sorts. He was 2 years older than me. He still got that great smile that literally took my breath away even now. Talking deeply about it now makes me wanted to cry. And I could cry if I don’t told it. I would’ve ruined my serum and moisturizer. And I feel that I’ve expressed it quite well enough on my precious blog.

Man, I really really like you. And saying might have scarred you away or freaked you out, but I don’t even care because I need to let you know and that at least you know. I acted coy because I wasn’t sure how to be or behave when around you. Plus I knew you had a pretty girl friend at the time that I wasn’t sure and didn’t want to impede. I literally felt so so weird. But you have the prettiest smile in a guy after my dad’s. And your personality that I didn’t quite know still mesmerizes me. I like your sister. I remembered glimpses of you while we were at church. I remembered it so well, considering the fact of a girl who couldn’t remember anything. Maybe you had a crush on me too, but i could imagine myself (uninvited) at your wedding to oppose it in front of the entire crowds when you probably didn’t really know who I was. Again, that was just imagery. It’s funny that I could never think I’m a romantic until when it comes to you. Only you could actually wake up that side of me; writing love letters, confessions letters to actually never sent was one of the few romantic things I do. Actually, you are the first I’ve ever wrote for. I wish this somehow goes to you. In thought. You know, I believe in romance and just anything that’s impossible when it comes to love. I believe that it’s telepathy, even when you’re already asleep, maybe I can enter your dream. Good dream, maybe I hope you knew I like you (too). I like you a lot and that I was to afraid to show it. I actually started liking you when I was in middle school and you were probably a freshman or sophomore. I think I started liking you ever since/even before you started driving that red jeep to church and it says Life is Good on the back spare wheel. Every morning, I resisted to not scanning for your car in the huge parking lot at school. Obsessed. I even discovered that your dad owes an automobile shop. Fixing cars with multiple garages and that your mom is a middle school teacher. And you may be curious as to how I figure all these facts, well when it comes to someone I thought special, I just automatically remembered anything and everything about them. If this information even be a test. It would be the easiest test I’ve ever taken. When the information was naturally captivating, I was a sponge. If I could ever find someone like you, someone better than you, someone I’m crazy about to write a love letter for, if I could find someone i would be so nervous to talk to but would Love to talk to for hours. If I could not regret it again.

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