Sometimes like today, I feel like there has to be more than work. I get burn out easily and I hate it. I also more other things beside working. I’m not in touch. Disengage and wanted to be left sort of alone. And I know I don’t wish to be alone because that is a scary place. But I feel Burnt. Left with the things I wouldn’t rather do. Why does life gets hard. When you’re a child there is not many things you care or worry in the world and why does life, grown up life seemed lost. Expectations are corrosive and destructive. Expectations from other people are like that and it makes me wanted to leave .. it all behind. why don’t they. They care but I take it as an insult. They want the best for me but they don’t understand me and it would be an overestimation to expect them to. All I can do is to be happy. I want to be happy. I want the feeling of having no worries in the world. The feeling of peace and joy. Serenity. I long for the feeling. Does it even exist. Does it even anymore. This is not a dying letter. It is sort of like art. A form of expression that is real. Raw feeling. I do like feelings but I also try to conceal it and almost trying to be a robot when it can be a beautiful thing when exercise wisely. I know God is calling out my name and wanted me to to trust him. But how do I even do that. I want a relationship with him but I always not want it and still choose me. Choose the broken and not of life because I don’t know what’s like to be ALIVE in CHRIST.

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