My experience with a mentor

Sometimes with the trust in God, with his plan and dedication, He leads us to the path that is right for us.

As I walk into the health science center one day in the afternoon, looking for a particular person who does a hiring process for the lab at the medical center. I walked around looking for someone who can help answered my question. Ideally, I want to get a job working at the lab. I walked around and saw a sign that says “nutrition,” so I went inside, talk to the receptionists, explains to her my concern. The receptionist went to grab her superior and I went inside to talk to her, explain what I had told the receptionist she, by the name of I do not remembered, gave me two names of professors, which after I thanked her genuinely, left the room, dialed the number and made the call. A person I was trying to reach by the name of Dr. LC answered the call and that when the story begins.

With God helps and mercy, I was granted the opportunity to train under Dr. LC’s lab. The first time I met him when I came for our first appointment. He welcomed me in. I sat across from him at the his organize working table and he asked me “Why are you here and what do you hope to accomplish?” It was an on-point, straight forward question that I like. I told him my intention and for whatever reasons he accepted. We met again soon after and he couched me on numerous interesting topics. One thing I had say about Dr. LC is that he is a great story teller. He made it more meaningful, real, and vivid. He is honest and funny. He showed me around his lab. I met his wife there as well. They have one daughter named Alexandria.

Every time I met Dr. CL and by the end of our meeting I would walked out of his office as if I have just came out of a movie theater. It was a fun, exciting, and alarming experience I went through. It was exhilarating.

He told me to hit the book, to enjoy the process, to have passion, and to pour myself into science. He inspires me for his advice and his love of science–and in what he does. Rarely, have I met people who loves and passionate about what he/she does. People goes to work for many different reasons, Dr. CL goes to work because he enjoys it. I want to wake up and go to work because I love what I do. To find a reason to live. When I go to work, I want to wake up excited about my job or when I left for work, I want to also be able to look forward for the next day to come back–to always find a reason to come back, to love what I do. Aside from family, most people living in this society have a job and other responsibilities. When I have a family, job is something my family would most likely not involve, it’s something I will experience on my own aside from them. And I want that to be enjoyable as much as my time spent with my loved ones.

I want to get publish as well.

Tired

I am so tired. It is more like a disappointing sort of tired. When you hope for something and you didn’t really get it. Or perhaps I forgot that God is in control always. I genuinely lost track of thing. I didn’t pray as much or do bible studies as much and I honestly don’t think that I am going last without God’s help and mercy.

I am messed up times and times again. I am prideful as well as selfish. It is  disappointing and I am not sure if adulating is the right word. I simply wanted to be such and such, but it seems almost hopeless for me at time. Whenever I get bad grade mostly. It is tiring and simply sad. I am not sure how to get out of this. Should I keep on going like this or should I adjust and change strategies. I am not sure.

Please God help me to accomplish my task at hands. I am hopeless and really need help. Oh God please help me to be the person I ought to be for you. Help me to form a good relationship with others and to treat and see other as how I want to be treated and to love them.

 

 

You Know Marriage has Pros and Cons

Growing up, I learned to see that marriage is more difficult than the good times. Therefore, I begin to understand why I am not fully enjoy the idea of being in a relationship. My dad always told me to focus in school. This voice rings in my head sometimes when it is convenience. I did not grow up doing things together with my family. I don’t see them spending time together very much. They don’t even sleep together because they were sometimes annoyed with each other. So marriage to me seems like a difficult thing more than pleasant, which is why the notion of being married seem more daunting than joyful.

I honestly think that my dad tries to make the marriage work as well, he calls my mom all the time oversea. He is the one who makes the effort, which is grand. I am not sure what he thinks. He doesn’t really discussed stuff like this to me. They also like to play the blame game, like children.

My sister and I on the other hand now realized that we should definitely keep in touch with each other. She is a person who knows me and saw all part of my goods and mischievous. I need to make the effort to be in a good relationship with her before being with anybody else. One thing I learned from my dad is that if you cannot love those closest to you well then how will you extend your love far away.  No matter how I had like to text my ex to explain to him that I still need to discover what I want before I can be with anyone, makes the most sense to me. It is not like I didn’t like him. I just need times to learn about myself. Anyway, I am glad I came to this analysis with this relationship, which is why relationship to me seems daunting and unnecessary pain than would otherwise been. It seems to me like a difficult task that isn’t worthwhile. There has been time when I thought that it is better off to simply be alone and happy than being with someone and miserable.

My parents does not even live together, however, remain married. They like each other. They care for each other. They have differences. Their personality is also different, but somehow they still remain marry and not get a divorce. I am glad they decided as such, otherwise, my sister and I would have had a different experience. No one in my dad nor my mom’ side have had a divorce. Divorce in my culture is heavily looked down upon. Once you vow to marry someone, you stay together until it works, as simply as that. You adjust, you work it out until it remains.

Another thing to learn from is how to not repeat my parents’ stories. I have heard that being together, partially, having to do with loving each other to an extend, but sometimes, love, in itself, may not necessarily kept the marriage, but rather, forgiveness is what kept it alive.

One thing to take note when it comes to relationship with family or whoever, is quality time and not being selfish or egolistic, but learning how to give without wanting in return. That right there, is part of the recipe. GIVE. I also need to add that honest and open minded communication also contribute to the deliciousness. ENDURANCE.

Now specifically regarding a relationship with a potential someone. I think that putting ourself in their shoes is important. The thought is also important, instead of wondering why won’t he text me back, it should be that it is okay that he won’t text me back, think it straight. Not texting back immediately does not mean that he is annoy with you nor doesn’t love/like you, it just means that he is doing something else or maybe he just doesn’t know how to reply back. And if he’s playing game with you then it is simply uncool and needed to be addressed. Not immediately reply to a text doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like/love you. It may not be anything to do personally.

It is simply as such, assumption kills the relationship. Cynicism also kills the relationship.  It is also not true that you cannot love anyone. You can love. But love and trust takes TIME and BALANCE OF POSITIVE ASSUMPTIONS —> UNDERSTANDING.

If I were to tell this to anyone, they must think I am mad. What is a purpose of living? No, no, I am not thinking short. It is just that I don’t understand the world we live in. Today, I am questioning my purpose? What if I become homeless? Living in the jungle? Is my purpose to please my family? To wish them well. My dad brought me here for a better life? I guessed so. Is it? It must have been. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made the decision?

Get education

Get a job

Work

Get marry

Have children

Live

Raise children

Pass on the genes

Live

Try to raise them well

Selfishness

Cycle

Eat

Quietness

What is our purpose?

What gives us our purpose?

Dear God, I must have forgotten my purpose of my I am on this earth.

I am cynical and skeptical. I demand questions. I watch a tv and starting to question.

If I were to tell this to my dad, he would simply laughed it off. If I tell this to my sister she would do the same and if I tell this to my mom, so would she too act the same.

That’s why I write it here. No feedback. Just me. What is the purpose of living? To be happy? I suppose.

I don’t understand.

If I were to say this thought to anyone, they must think I am crazy and is thinking short. But I am asking a question. I am not sure if I demand an answer.  I am saying what is the point when I am not happy.

Missing

It was a 3 months time together. It was not that long, at all. Other couples were together for 6 months and this couples (my roommate) already forgotten her boyfriend in 3 weeks. Wow to that. I am still sort of thinking about mine. I am not sure why. I just am. Well, it will be better eventually, meaning I wont think about it and that little things wouldn’t remind anything. Today, I went to saw the incredible 2 and a scene in the movie reminded me of the 3 months and at the end of the movie, it has the name of the 3 months. Wow, how cool. What a coincidence. Honestly, I know time will eventually help. It didn’t help when I found out I got a bad grade on my midterm. I am bummed really bummed…

Anyway, it is interesting how I am still thinking about the 3 months. It was not at all that long. But it did made me learned lessons and made me happy as well as anxious. I have problem with commitment. It feels sort of helpless and restricted, which I don’t like. I absolutely don’t like having to depend on something. More importantly being vulnerable and getting hurt. I think it partially have to do with my pride and childhood. My childhood isn’t like crazy or scary. My parents didn’t get a divorce and I was not living with a nanny. It just that I don’t like when my parents (mostly my dad) left me to go somewhere (I think he went to his friend’s house). It felt like it at the time, to be left. I am stubborn as well. I was angry and hurt. I think at that moment, I lost my trust in him. I have my walls up. I simply was not secure, so decided that I don’t need him. I worry and wanted things my way. I have my pride as well in order to protect against being hurt. Therefore, when it comes to having a relationship, it will takes me awhile to let loose. I may seem like I am having a good time, but it will takes time for me to trust anyone. It wont be easy. I am not easy. Therefore, they need to be my friend first and know my flaws. I have many. God knows. He knows my wall, my pride and my self-centeredness. I built them for my own protection. Some may asked, just reduce the wall, just let loose. Well, I am not sure exactly about the process.

There is a self-fullfilling prophecy, which is when a person become or live-up to what they believe about themselves because someone expected them to be a certain way or they believe it themselves.

Anyway, I should not dwell on the 3 months. I have high expectation. It is somewhat true that a girl look for someone to be like their dad. I think it is somewhat true in my case. My dad is considerate. He helps me and see the little things to help me. It doesn’t have to be big. He doesn’t buy me expensive stuff, but he would cook and help me carry stuff. I feel care for by my dad, so the potential person, at least must have this attribute. I have my standard and I think it is better to find that person and if not somewhat then perhaps it is better off to simply be by myself. The relationship should enhance both of our lives. Anyway, I am not sure why I am still thinking about this person. At least I know that I can like someone 🙂 I want someone who loves God.

Anyway, writing about this helps in a sense that I bringing out what I am feeling… Human feelings are honest. It is true and I shouldn’t feel like it is embarrassing or prideful enough to discuss the weaker side of things.

Fear of Commitment (aka fear of being hurt)

I sometimes wonder whether I actually have a fear of commitment aka a fear of being disappointed/getting hurt. I have it to some degree, I think we all do, only to which extent.

How do we deal with it?

  1. To acknowledge the risks
  2. To view the risks with positivity* even if it may seems counterinutitive
  3. To view life as learning and growing experience

Risks. Decision.

This world is full of people who had no idea what they want to do. They’re chasing something that isn’t their “passion.” It can money fame, relationship, whatever. Something that feel like they need to have but actually does not need it, at least at the moment. So it is important to chase and find something that you like at the moment and just go for it because when are you going to do it? Literally when? In the next 3 years? OMG, it seems like a long time. If you like something and wanting to do it then do it. Do it. Do it as soon as you can. We have to realize that our idea and how we are or how we think we are has a lot to do with societal expectation of us. Who says we can’t be homeless, who says we shouldn’t do art. We hears all these things that others, some voices, suggestions, advice? tells us to do. Society determines “income” with our job. Whatever they feel are valuable will have more price. Healthcare for example have high cost because we associate life and service to be more valuable and therefore it costs more than perhaps something that isn’t as life threatening such as picking up trash or cleaning the bathroom pays. Now, society put on a price tag on what they decide to pay. If we have a messy bathroom, now that is necessary. But heart problem is more urgent therefore, it ought to be done now and it costs more. Now those “advices” from whoever you received, we are going to assume for most cases that they meant well, yes, perhaps, but they may not necessarily correct. Really, they may not be right either. They makes mistakes too, perhaps they ‘re older, but they , too, make mistakes. We all do! And it is okay to make mistakes and the word mistakes is also made up and has been given a negative connotation to it. If mistakes = awesome then we know that mistakes means awesome, connotes positivity. However, we tends to associate the word mistake to “you messing up,” well learned from it, move on, etc.

Now in some scenario, those advices are conflicting with us. I remembered that my dad told me that being a doctor is a good job. Why not you try it. If I remembered correctly, that is what he sort of inferred. Since that day, I sort of having an idea of what is it to be a doctor. You help patients, taking care of the sick, helping them get better and feel better.

My dad looked at the photo of his oldest sister, which he obviously admired her, because she is considered “successful.” She earned the societal standard of the word “success.” Being a medical doctor is considered to be a respectable occupation. The society considered doctor, lawyer, successful business/company owner (CEO*) to be respectable because they supposedly contribute to the societal needs. They’re making big impact. They saves lives, saves someone from wrong, saves someone life in term of not having to be locked up when they may not be guilty, they produce goods and products like shampoos, conditioners, foods, medicines, etc to our home. So whoever makes the most impact earns the bucks.

Now a good question is what I do I want to do in life? I want to create something for me to feel proud and accomplished; to make an impact, mostly to making myself feel value and useful. Well, what is next when I feel proud and accomplish doesn’t last as it was initially started. That why, musics producers kept on producing musics, that is perhaps also why new company came out with a new product, or perhaps that is why a chef or restaurant came out with a new menu.

Don’t say we can’t do something because we can.

Right now, I am not yet been doing something that I was meant to do. I haven’t really started on the journey of doing the thing I want. I have always been creative. I am detailed oriented. I am a quick learner. I like to create. I enjoy drawing and painting. I am good at these detail oriented work. Therefore working with numbers is the same way. I like math. I like to floss and brush my teeth. I fold my cloths. I prep my meal. I like to write to discover and express. I think being a surgeon maybe a job for me since, I am stable, detail and can handle stressed*. * the stressed part needed to be validated. I don’t care about having to work hard* as long as I enjoy what I do. I don’t want to work hard at the things I don’t really enjoy or the thing I didn’t want to do. That is why, doing some school assignments doesn’t resonates with me. However, I still would have to do it. I might simply go to become a fashion designer. Now, there are cloth out there. There are many competition.

As a human, we are constantly making mistakes from the first day we learned to walk, they’re taking that step to talk (arguably innately, unless you have some sort of specialty, or disability hindering them from pursuing this act) well anyway, when we were young we were taking this risk of learning how to walk. Now when we first learning how to walk, we sort of just walk. Honestly, I don’t remembered the first time I started walking. I don’t think my parents do either. But, we just walk because we’re design to walk. It is innate. And when we do walk, we don’t think about failing. We didn’t expected to fall. The falling parts just happened, we may cry, we may not cry. Whatever it may be, …..we eventually get back up to walk again.

This is how choosing what to do is like in a sense. I should just go for what I found interesting, go for it. Just simply do it, whatever, I like, just go for it and see it for myself whether or not it is a good fit. Choose what I like without ANY societal expectation, statistic, data, and sort of “advice” you may hear in the past. Just choose what you like and go for it. Whatever, it may be. Take the risk of failing. Think of the time you learned something new because you wanted to and it happens or it may fail. Whatever just go with it.

I tend to be a person who like to be sure of making sure the rock that I am going to take a step is stable. I like to be sure before I approach. This comes when I am choosing a major, relationship, etc. I need to be sure before I do things. I didn’t like disappointment. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to having to change or waste my time and money. I didn’t want to be hurt basically.

I have to admit that hurting is part of getting back up to walk. Hurting is good. Hurting is challenging. Hurting is putting yourself at risk (not physically risk like dying but emotional and psychological risk). Hurting is necessary. Hurting is good. Hurting is getting back up.

It is more clear than ever that I wanted to find something and go for it. I want to be a designer. I like to create my own thing. Make my own thing. Entrepreneurship is somewhere in me. I had thought of creating my own application. I had thought of creating jewelry and sell them on Etsy. When I was little I sold stuff that I put effort in. I am a seller and I like to create my own line of things. However, I need to think of what I want to do. I had thought of opening restaurant. I want to create my own empire of things that is what I want. I am somewhat still in conflict.

Beneath God. Always. However, I will always consider God.