It’s not my fault

It’s not my fault that I happened to date someone who is unemotionally Unavailable, with previous relationship emotional baggage. It is not my fault that that relationship has left me pain that I am healing. It probably hurt me more than what I had intended. I need this time to fully heal. To recover, gain strength, and to feel whole on my own. It is crucial that I gain and are going through this process. As much as heartbreak is somewhat a normal part of relationship, one way or another, we lost now or later, we will eventually experience lost. Nothing last forever, even some of our memory faded or disappeared. Yet, there will be some that we won’t ever seem to forget, no matter how much we want it.

This has indeed marked, so far, the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I am not sure why it hurted so much, but it did.

I want to instead focused on the hurt and become fearful, I wanted to focus on the positive and lessons learned.

Chad, I now realized what it is like to love someone even when it hurts. I miss you. I want to let you go and time will help me. I didn’t think it was that easy for me to love, but perhaps I experienced lost that’s why I also learned to love. It hurts, I feel it. Every single drop. It has been 3 months and tears are still coming out. The emotion I seemed to let it flows. I feel. I don’t want this pain to stop me from experiencing love I may embarked in the future. You will and always will have a special place in my heart. No matter what had happened, at least I know my love for you was real. I truly wish you the best in what ever you do. I truly do. I couldn’t fully said that before, but I can now thanked and love you more. I don’t want to care, which type of love you have/had for me. But I at least know, I did love you and that’s already beyond words could describe. No matter how I have told you that I wanted to forget everything about an ex. Well, I only wanted to do that to move-on and keep-going. I know I cannot and will not want to stay stuck in the past. I don’t want to. I truly wish you the best in everything you do. Learn to be positive and be thankful and to love what you do and the opportunity you have been given. My dad told me you’re like a public transportation, you came and you go. How do I put this, it has been such an intense 3-4 months for me. Who knows such small amount of times could bombarded this much. For all the hurtful things I’ve said/texted you, I hope you would be able to forgive me. It was something I can’t take back, but what I can say is that I am imperfect and is still at the end of the day, a sinner. Chad, also sorry for accusing something about you that perhaps may not be true. Regarding, you not being able to forget your ex, etc. And also sorry for being able to understand you at times or not being as empathetic as much as I could. At the end of the day, what were the good memories are what hurts the most because I know I couldn’t get them back or have them with you. I feel more intensely than you think I did, hah. Were you surprised? Or were you already knew it was a façade. It is not a luv ya, an emoji heart, or a least than 3 with a letter U, but in fact, an I love you, Chad Ryan Evans. You sucky piece of poo. You who took my heart and break it to pieces. You who didn’t return my love. You whom God may not have intended for me to be with. You who I literally thought was the cutest person in the world. You the one who is so arrogant, narcotic that its hurts and frustrating. You who is so picky that it bugs me. You you hated avocado. You who is so quiet that is hard to predict. You who is so mean to me when you’re mad. You who teach me many things. You who made me love Chick-Fill-A. You who took me to so many expensive restaurants. You who I really still think is physically handsome. You, who I wished could have been more adventurous, manly more of a gentlemen, more gentle, patience, and less frustrated. You who had everything going on for you, but still hasn’t reach your full-potential. You, whose posture could have been a lot more handsome as he looked. I’m not lying that the more I know you and getting a better look at you, I truly thought you became more and more handsome even more than my crush, Davis. I don’t really care what you had or felt with your first love, but I am thankful for having had met you, getting to you know, see how you think, and your view on life, people. To learn about your past experiences, etc. Chad, I love you and thank you for coming into my life. I love you.

Advertisements

Mindset: Unlocking Its Power

The power of the mind and our thinking is such a powerful thing. We can set our mind to create, destroy, or simply do nothing. We can use it to process, change, or hinder. Our fights are with our mind. Ego, selfishness, power, etc. Everything begins and end with our mind.

It seems to me that most of us want the goods: free schooling, healthcare, public transportations, better environment to name the fews. But want them, but how we get them is what makes our topic of discussion quite interesting. This is when the power of the mind and where we place our focus are a hurdle or paths to a better future.

I am taking one of the honors class about the City. Particularly, our focus on the class is about our city (the city I live in now and studying), but we definitely talk a lot of other cities as well. Today has so far been the day that I was truly inspired by the class lecture. One of my note wrote “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Life is this case, my professor wrote as:

Life = Healthcare

Liberty  = Opportunity —> Transportation

Pursuit of Happiness = Education

Healthcare, transportation, and education exist in America, but it could be better. Everything could be better as long as we live and exist. We thrive on evolving, on changing, adapting, on evolution. It is a no-stop process. We went from a horse buggy to a flying vehicle. We went from slavery to freedom. Yet, are we truly free. Do we truly escape our own chains and limitation that is rooted in our mind; that lives inside us. Are we free from ourselves, from our own hinder, and capped.

As human, we fear change. We are in fear of the unknown, whether that be relationship, applying for a new position, moving to a different city, studying abroad, aging, doctor’s visit, faith, etc.

We can often time live in fear that hinder us more and more to stagnation to where we just stay where we mostly feel comfortable and not wanting to embrace the unknown. As long as the enemy make us stay stagnant, it’s winning. Not doing anything can be equally as destruction. Didn’t vote doesn’t mean you’re not doing any harm. 92 millions American did not participate in voting. Wealth distribution in America is far beyond from our expectation or reality.

The point of this writing is to inspire us for CHANGE. Because regardless of any changes, we often fear that change will be worse, well, not doing anything, in fact, is equally destructive. Change = unknown result to the change. But if we don’t change then we don’t know and if we don’t know it is stagnation and stagnation = destruction.

To change is to overcoming our fear–it is to liberate.


It is a little disturbing to having been involved with someone who seem (in my opinion) stuck in negative mindset. It is like anything they’ve experience seem to be bringing them misfortune, misery, complaints, or struggles, when in fact, it doesn’t have to be that way. And what seems to be weirder is that I see that they can get out of it; that they can change. They, themselves, may not necessarily see it at the moment. I don’t when or how they will emerged from that things in their live that constantly made them struggle. All I can do is to learn from them, pray for them, and be there fore them when God allows me to–when opportunity arises. Is it a burden to be there for them, in a sense, the answer is yes and no. No, meaning I like to help, but the extend of my help is not only up to me. A lot of the heavy lifting have to and only will come from them to want to change and ask God to help changing it. Yes, it can be a burden, in which my emotion has worry is potentially involved. But what I can control is to not let myself be too emotionally involved, not in a selfish way, but to always help him without expect anything in return. To help him with a light heart. To help him as one human-being who see their potential and as someone who wishes them well. To view of it in this way is be pure in my intention. To let go and forgive. It is to be patience and to have humility. To love and not expecting any in return. To love unconditionally.

If only. Even though, I am certainly not in his life no longer. And it sometimes could be bring me a little pain to be around the person. This is where a little conflict arises. At the same time going back to self can be the answer as well as listening to God. He knows my heart, soul, mind, weakness, and strength. Right now, all I could do is heal and it is a beautiful process. Heal to where He knows I am equipped and protected. Right now what I can do is to pray, perhaps checking on him from time to time if need be. But I’ve also got to perhaps make sure that I would only check on him when I am in a good place to help. Because I don’t think I can be of the best help when I am also battling my own battle. It only makes sense of me to put on the oxygen mask first then extend it to those around me.


Nevertheless, trusting in God has processing me into a direction and mindset that He intended. The weight and struggle begins to subside, the cloud lifted, and sunshine peaked-in. There is no greater love than thee.

Why Waking Up Early is such an Asset

It’s not a surprise to learn that waking up early is such an asset as we have more time to do more things than say sleep. Not that sleep isn’t important as we definitely need sleep to properly function because we could be waking up early but felt tired because of the lack of sleep and proper rest. Anyhow, getting up early and getting enough, quality sleep are two activities that enhanced one another, meaning if one goes well the other would also follow along or if one is insufficient, the other would be also.

Frankly, I didn’t get enough of sleep last night and I am operating on a 4 hours of sleep today, which I am not a big fan of doing. I’ve heard that Teddy Roosevelt and perhaps other famous people felt adequate enough with only a few hours of sleep and they are good to function. However, many research have supported the importance of getting approximately at least 8 hours of sleep of most of us with the exception of the elderly.

In my opinion, how much each individual need to rest can also be entirely up to them, but quality of sleep also needs to be emphasized as long hours of rest doesn’t mean that it is a well, rested one.

It is recommended that we go to bed early to also get up early as a habit.

Now that I’ve been getting up early today, I’ve noticed I was able to get more things done and more time to do things I necessarily would considered doing. I was also able to get a study spot that would normally be filled during the day, but since I was early I didn’t have any problem finding empty spaces. I was able to talk to my friends via SnapChat and iMessenger because I have the time that would normally be running on hectic schedule of the day.

It is a blessing to wake up early and start of my day earlier as well. As far as my plan goes, I had wish to continue this operation, however, it wouldn’t be achieve successfully in the long run without having to go to bed early as well.


Beside the realization of doing something such as getting up early today. I also realized how important and refreshing it is to do something out of my day-to-day schedule. Basically, to do something I wouldn’t normally do or even thought of doing. It is like adding new experiences to my life, which makes me think that I should strive to diversify my life by adding new experiences to my day-to-day basis.

If I haven’t gotten to wake up early and start my day early as well today, I wouldn’t have learn this thought or having a realization on the importance of diversify my life.


So for the past 3 months, my WordPress has been one of the most important outlet to pour my emotions and thoughts regarding an events that brought my frustration, sadness, and simply being lost in something I’ve once had, but wasn’t meant to have forever. This is definitely the first post that I was able to talk about something else beside those feelings and stories. Which I am glad I’ve reached this point of finally being able to write something beside them. It is a blessing that God has given me this happiness in writing. It is wonderful, amazing, and beyond words could profane. But I am glad I have this joy writing as something I find … in (beyond words could describe).


Looking back, every “bad” times will always faded or cleared. A lot of the clearing has been done by God who has always been faithful to me. His love truly has no beginning or an end. It is limitless and incomprehensible. If I have Him, I have everything I ever need. I am learning and still will be learning about events that happened in my life and I wonder what God has intended for me to take away as lessons. And whether I will continue to be stubborn and be strong in my conviction, believe, and values that I have.


I was listening one of the Christians’ radio last night that Christianity is a process of failing and getting back up again and again by the grace and mercy of God. And I really liked that because that certainly describe what it means to be a Christian to me. I am glad I’ve the way in which strongly conveyed to me the meaning of the word that I often time didn’t like to proclaim b/c of the associate stigma or meaning. But now I am able to say that I am a Christian and also be able to explain what Christianity means to me.


Beside all of the positives that are written above. The negatives that I feared of stepping or thinking back into was that events that I was battling within the last 3 months. I didn’t want to get into the thought and to be stuck it in. I think I have the ending to my story that I didn’t want a continuation of, until I’m comfortable enough to revisit to when no feelings were associated.

There are numerous possible factors, situations, feelings, and scenarios to the story, but in the end, it simply narrow down to one big factors when I decide to be with someone. Do they love the Lord and is pursuing Him. Is a person also a Christian? And if the answers are no then it is wise to day and to be forward with that the relationship will not goes beyond anything because faith and the love of God is (I know) the most important factors of my life and without this shared value and believe system, I am setting my self up for difficulties and possibly failures, unless God have certain plan for me. But as of now I learned that God’s word are not meant to be compromised.


 

I love to write

It has been such a burden. I have to be strong. My heart says one thing, my head says another. I may be infatuated or loved I don’t know with someone who weren’t available or perhaps has many baggage. I am living the consequences for sure and it’s painful. Everybody tells me no. But I still feel what I feel. It is extremely difficult that I can’t do anything about it. I had no idea that this is happening to me. I don’t understand why, turn this way. I want to do what I want to do. I do. I want to do what I want to do. I want to talk to him. I miss him. I probably loved him more than I should.

Chad, I really miss you. I wish you would text me. Asking how I am doing. It doesn’t matter what you did to me because I might have love you. My heart hurts so much because of you. My love though is probably not reciprocate, but at least, I guess I don’t know what my feelings are like. Perhaps I am experiencing “love” when it’s gone. Perhaps it took me longer to realized my own feelings. Perhaps I wasn’t honest with how I felt. I want to talk to you, to text you. To see how you’re doing. You never made an effort to text. You didn’t and that’s ok. I miss you. I want to kiss, hug, and hug you more tighter. Even if your heart doesn’t belong to me, well, perhaps I did loved you and I don’t know what happened but it turned really bad. You hurt me once and you probably, highly will hurt me again. I can’t do that to myself. As it has been painful. I don’t know if this is love or what as I don’t know what love really felt like. I miss you and I don’t know what to do about it. Everyone told me no. Don’t do it. No, moved on. No, focus on yourself. I’m here still thinking about you. My stomach hurts.

Jesus, is he no the one you prepare for me. I need you, but I sound like a hypocrite that I am. I don’t know what to do, my Lord. Please help me. I need you because I cannot do it on my own. Lord, I absolutely can’t. Lord, I need you. So so much. Please, my Lord. I need you. This man if he isn’t what you prepare for me, please heal my pain, it has been long enough, it has been painful enough. I want him out of my brain, heart, and me. I want him gone. I don’t want to look for him. I want him away from my thought. I want to no having to think about him. My mind has been occupy with his thought.

Last Session

So I talked to the therapist today. I told her my value. She told me that it seems like I regretted the decision. Well, don’t we all have that regret anyways after break up and isn’t it normal? I mean I am doing better emotionally. So much better. It is a blessing. I honestly thanked God for it. Also, I don’t know what to do at this point like I don’t. She told if I want I can contact him, text him to see. Well, boy I also told her I am scared of being rejected or hurt again. So, here is the thing, one) I could be rejected, he could have told me, I have moved on, etc. two) even if we get into the relationship, I am scared of how it will turn out. I don’t know if this is just wasn’t it or I am hindering myself from something. It is one or the other. Maybe the fact that I am feeling this way is 1) we weren’t it 2) I am hindering/limiting myself.

Like may be there is something I need to fix and is wrong with me or perhaps it is the relationship itself that no matter what it is Not going to work, etc.

What do I want is a good question?

I want  a great support system. Someone who would support me, help me etc.

Someone who will hold me accountable and have God be the center of our lives.

Someone who can handle me? Maybe I need to handle myself, not them.

Someone fun, funny, to lighten things up.

Will I am going to like everything about relationship? Probably not.

Is the companionship crap worth it? Not really.

Do I need to figure out this or will I simply going to wait.

I will wait. I will wait. I will wait. I will wait.

It was also my fault, of course. I didn’t;t communicate my feelings, etc.

Alright well, let just talk after the test, ok? OK? YEAH?

 

 

Therapist HW

I’ve been going to a therapist and each week she would give me homework assignments to help me improve whatever she wanted for me to improved on. Ok, I sounded a little unenthusiastic, but that is perhaps I am getting better and better with my feelings. So the assignment was what are my values? I am not quite sure which way I need to approach it, whether a value for other person to have or a value I have for myself. Anyhow, here are my values for myself and others

Patience

Respect

Kindness

Gentleness

Honesty/Loyalty