All in the Head. All About Perspective.

It’s late, precisely 1:12 am in the morning. I made an instant coffee, knowing that I would need it tonight to finish my 2 of my assignments and a powerpoint presentation. I still have to also make the PPT, bibliography, as well as start practicing the presentation. I need to know what I am talking about first. I have a test on Friday that I also have to study for.

I called my friend today. I vented my problem to her. She give me advice. She basically told me that it is up to me and that we’ve been over this many times now. She basically got tired of my ****. Anyhow, my other friend, who I typically talked to, said that I basically have an emotional struggle, which I laughed because it’s not necessarily false.

I attempted to called my mom. She didn’t answered. I then called my dad, he picked-up. I cried in front of him. He tried to comfort me until he got a little frustrated at me and basically told me to be some senses. He basically told to get-up-and-get-going-on-with-my-life.

Claudia, one of my friends, asked if I am settling. I didn’t want to settle, but I am hung-up on this problem–this emotional struggle.

My heart and brain completely says to different things. My feelings want to do what its wants, which is getting back into being in a relationship. My brain and conscious and sometimes my value, dignity, and pride prevented me from doing all those things I wanted. If I can just live life. Doing whatever I want to do, what would that turn out. Live life however I want to–being free. No bondage. Would I then be happy?

I want to get back with him, why can’t I? No one supported my decision. No one. Absolutely none. I’m the only one who want to do what she wants. Aren’t I am my own protagonist in this life? In this story? Can we work things out.

He doesn’t bring any good in me. In fact, more than anything, he can make me become negative just like himself. So why do I want to be with someone like that? He has depression and is not even completely over his ex-gf. Well, why, then, would I want to be with someone like that? Is it as simple as love? Is it truly that stupid? What if this love is not even reciprocated? What if he will just toss me aside? What if he just going to dump me at the end? What if he changed his mind? What if he changed his behavior–treat me badly, abuse me, curse at me, and ignored me? If he does all that, would I still love him?

Think. Really. If it because I had that with him that’s why it is hard to get rid of?

I am wide awake. People tell me to be strong. They told me that there are better people out there for me.

Can I accept that he will not going to ever fulfill me? I am 22 years old.

If he rejected me, am I going to be ok?

Can you live without him? Yes, I can.

Enough of thinking about him.

Enough of waiting on him.

Enough of being miserable.

Enough of crying about him.

Enough of caring about him.

Enough of everything that has to do with him.

He doesn’t care about you, Cam. He doesn’t. Not nearly as you would care about him. He also doesn’t love you nearly as you love him. He doesn’t value or protect you as much as you would about him. He didn’t choose you. He just doesn’t say it. Do you really need him to tell you directly that. That he doesn’t love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Please learn to accept the truth. Stop lying to yourself. Stop dwelling in this misery hole. You need to get up already. It has been 5 months of restlessness. You’re doing this to yourself. He has moved on. You haven’t. He is gone. You stayed at the same, exact spot. It is time that you do something, please do something. Just something. Gather yourself. Stop thinking about him. Gather all your broken pieces and leave as you are.

Love is a Type of Drug

Today, I learned that people typically become addicted to drug, not fully because once they stoped taking it, they experience withdrawals. But because they missed or craved the good feelings drugs produce. That’s why those who stopped taking the drugs for months or years experienced relapse because they once experience the good these drugs made them feel. Anyhow, it hit me today after class that there was a movie called Love and Other Drugs, or something like that. And it also l hit me again that, love is, in fact, a type of drug. I didn’t crave love or attachment because I didn’t want to experience the withdraw. I crave it or think about it or miss it because I remembered the good feeling I once had associate with. The stronger the drug elicited, the more I craved it more, and the harder it was to eliminate. As human, we learned through our experiences. There are chemicals being produced when two people began to feel good about one another. As a result, when the other person is absent, we begin to crave that drug. I had never had any drug, thus far, that is as strong as him. My first drug was me trying it out and realizing that there are better drugs out there. With my second type of drug, I just could never had enough of it for some reason, like I always seemed to crave it to a point where it became unhealthy and I don’t think it was doing me any good. Of course I missed it. The drug is one call-away. Isn’t it sad. Life, honestly should be easy and simple. I want it, I go get it, sort of thing. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just have it when I craved it. I might not even like him, but I absolutely love touching him. Ok, so I like touching him. It’s scary. Why does it have to be with him then? Why not having it with somebody else. I don’t know. I need to be able to live without this drug. Oxytocin, dopamine, I don’t know what the other ones are. It smells good. I like the smell very much. What should I do? I would be lying to myself. Because I also see that we’re not it for each other. Also, I would be lying if I said that I just wanted the physical closeness without the actual commitment. I didn’t just want a drug that is shorted-lived I want the ones that is good for me. The ones that make me healthier. The ones that is sustaining and forever lasting. One thing I know for a fact is that I need emotional support from a partner and I don’t know if he could provide that for me. I do enjoy his company and what I had with him isn’t what I have had with anyone before. It’s easier to form that with someone but to really connect with them on a deeper level I don’t know if that’s as easy to find. If I could just used him for the drug without emotional attachment, as high or euphoric as that sounds, why is that any different from prostitution. I mean I don’t want to be frank about it. But thoughts sometimes take me to places. We didn’t connect on a deeper level like I had wanted. I am not going to lie that I’m scared of what he could do to me. How he still hung up on his other drug, etc. I don’t want to wait. I can’t. I don’t want to. I either could have him fully or not at all.

Now that I think about it. I’m going through a withdraw and sure I am craving the goods despise the bad. The bad outweighs the good sometimes in my case. I am an addict for oxytocin and dopamine and many other chemicals from physical closeness. Maybe I can just get it from him, only to realize that I still cannot avoid the inevitable withdraw symptoms. It’s the inevitable that it can’t be changed. Overtime, I will become tolerance of the drug and I will need more of it for the same effect. Once I become tolerance, I just need to I don’t know, stop taking it for a while and then it’ll started to feel good again. Is that what love is? Should it be like this. I miss Chad Evans. I miss the drug with such high tolerance and withdraw. He may be craving another drug that isn’t me. And may as well be using me as a rebound in hope that I could provide him with the same, equal or more powerful effect. And if I didn’t, then he’ll simply go back to his old elicit drug.

Vent

Sometimes, doubt or negativity is something I need to watch out for. They shouldn’t have a hold on me. People will think what they want to think. I can’t control that. All I can try to do is how I choose to interpret certain data. It is it useful, I will stored it on file. If it is junk, then it is going into the trash.

I want to be a good writer. A writer that communicates with majority of people. Random thought.

Anyhow, back to topic. It doesn’t matter what people think of what I am doing or my work. It doesn’t even matter. It only truly matters to what it means to me. Are what I do is the thing I believe in. Is it something I find passion in. Is it something I am excited, feel fire for. Does it empowered, excites, motivates me. How does the work or the things I believe in makes me feel. It only matters when I find it matter. This not a battle against others as much as. It can, but only if the moment is call for.

I cannot live life free from other people. I need their interactions. I am starting to get confuse a little. Hahaha. There is balance to everything. Enzyme operates the best when it is at their optimum pH level. We, too, works like enzyme. We can learn so much from God given nature. Philosophy as well. How nature works.

People probably won’t care what you have to say until they think you’re worth hearing. I learn that from my one relatives. It is also their choice. I go to them once I know they’ll be able to offer or know what they’re talking about. You will learn what to talk to to different people.

Not Everything I Hear is True

I sometimes don’t know if the advice that people give to me are the wisest. Even though they met well, it doesn’t mean that their advice and worldview is always correct. The thinks that I see the world as if it always beautiful etc. She makes it seems like I was living in illusion. As if I was raised shielded from the danger of this world. Dangers are there, I know, but it doesn’t mean that I will look for it. Sometimes it may  e looking for me, but I have a God that is my shield and even if I messed up, He is still me redeemer. I knows she cared about us and want the best for us, but sometimes, lessons that I learned are the ones, in which, I experienced it myself. It revealed to me that I can be arrogant too. This is something that I don’t necessary want for myself. It will only going to hurt me. Being arrogant isn’t the best God wants for me. I don’t know if having a little bit is ok. I don’t know, but I want to be able to view it as objectively as I can. There will perhaps always be something wrong. Things that hurt me. Things that hurt my feelings, etc. I am honestly trying each day, trying to go through task I was assigned. I am living my life and it is a beautiful thing. I am going to continue to believe in what I do and I will see how it is going to play out. Good or bad I will find out and adjust to the outcome accordingly. I’m not even at all perfect. I don’t think I will ever be. Sure, I was perhaps raised to be a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that I will let that dictate my life. I love my parents. They loved me and wanted the best for me. I know. But it is their job to let me fly too. To let me learn things on my own. My mom supports me always. So does my dad. They’re the two biggest encourager for me. So is my sister. I am thankful for what they have given me. I came to understand many things as well. They raised me as their friends. They also let me be me. They didn’t restrict me. They let me be free. That is the best thing I could have ever asked for. Sure, I didn’t do drug or what not. Nevertheless, I know I still have many flaws. But I don’t want those flaws to be my identity, it doesn’t identify who I am. I am imperfect. Whatever, you may called it. But, that is not going to be something that I want it to define me. I can always and will always grow, messed up, learned, analyzed, then grow from it. Growing until I am dead. Until, I have no more. Until, God is taking me to hopefully his kingdom that He prepares for me.

Yeah, this is me at 22 years old with this kind of thoughts. I don’t know if this thought is right nor wrong. Or whatever, but it is the thought I have on Nov. 7th (my first ever bf birthday) that I am not going to tell him even though I still remembered. If something is toxic in my life. No matter what it is, I can and must cut it. Detoxify.

Perhaps the area of my love life hasn’t been like I wanted to be. At this point, it is not really my focus. It is just not. There is so much more thing to do, to learn, to explore. I explored this side of things a little bit now. Now, there are other things I look forward to. I am learning still. Always learning. Life is too short to be miserable. To think that it is negative or to think that it is too dangerous. It may be, but I could careless. Life doesn’t need me to keep going. It doesn’t. The sun will still rise even if I am not here. Darkness will cease even if I stoped breathing. The world keeps on moving, progressing its cycle. I am here to praise and believe in my God and all the promising He has for me. I could careless other may have said. They cannot change my perspective on life. I see it like I see it, perhaps I am blind. Perhaps it is delusional. Perhaps it is totally false, well, like I say the world could careless about me or my worldview. There is so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced. So much. So much. I am still learning. Living. At 22 years old. I have dreams and goals. I am living. I am not going to stop. Ever. Ever. I want to keep on living. Living for Christ. He builds my spirit. Living the life He has given me. He gives me brain, legs, mouth, and arms. I can do so much with what he has given to me. I forgot, also ears.

I love my family. I do. My relatives too. They’re the people I go to when I am at my lowest point in my life. I appreciate them. I will take what I find useful from them. Yet, this is my life and it is my story. I am the narrator. I am the protagonist. I run my life. God guides me. He helps me. He gives me choices. I am using what he gives me.

Thank you for calling me na ka. I appreciate your phone call. I will also make time to call you from now on–to talk to you not only when I need to talk, but because I simply wanted to talk to you. You’re important to me. Therefore, it is my responsibility to cherish these relationships. Because I don’t want regrets. I wanted to be able to say that I have loved them well and they know I love them well.

For those that I’ve crossed. Thank you. I’ve learned what I wanted in a partner. I’ve learn to say no. I’ve learn to still choose what’s best for me. I’ve grown from it. And that’s to celebrate.

Cheers to learning.

Another day

Life keeps going. Never did I know that it can sometimes feel complicated. Nevertheless, perhaps what we do shows what we make it to be. What mark are leaving in this world. Probably not so much. But being happy is a good thing.

When things do not aligned with how we want. Relationship ended. Misunderstanding occurred. Deadline approaching. How do we relax, zoom out, and get back up. That’s the question.

Things may never ever be the same. It won’t. Then how do we keep going with the changes. Changes are good.

Relationship is one thing in life I know I need to grow. I absolutely love to be loved. I love love. But when it gets frustrated or painful is when it is painful.

At least I know I loved something, but we’re going into a different direction. It is the path that is no longer there. No matter how much I want to retract it. It is disappearing. It is gone. There will be another path for me to take.

There is no doubt that I can love. I realized that I can. I learn to choose what is best for me. I know what I can live and not live with. I learned to make a decision to stop. I learn that some people are better of not having in my life. I learn that it’s ok to miss them. It’s very much so ok. But at the same token. Regrets will teach me. Regrets are the things I hope to be able to not repeat and improve.