Easier said than done
Life is full of surprises. I have been on this train ride for about 2 days now. And I’m mostly avoiding it or confronting it, because I angry and if I were to say something I feel like the anger will not be contain and that hurtful saying will be spilled or hurts feelings. Right now, I’m in my dad’s car eating Panda Express. I know the food here isn’t the best compare to what I get at home by my dad but it’s good, hot—I don’t know about fresh. It will get as fresh as it gets I presumed. Anyhow, today happened to be a really nice day out. And there were just a guy that burbed really loudly that had just passed my car. It startled me and I would probably made the funniest face. Anyhow I don’t know if he did that on purposed or what, but he was obnoxious. Anyhow back to today being an almost the perfect day. Well, perfect day in terms of the weather, but close to a perfect day in terms of hunger. I got a lot of sleep done though, because there was nothing to eat and so I just slept. Oh I can couldn’t go out to find something to eat either because I had no car. I had a friend named Tooba in high school. I guess we are still friend, but we just hasn’t been in contact with each other. Anyhow, Tooba used to say—I don’t know if she’s still saying it now because he haven’t talk. But she used to always say that ‘people are annoying.’ And I guess it took me this day to realized that it’s somewhat true. Some people are annoying and I don’t if this a reflection of my heart and it most likely is the reflection of state of my thought and therefore, could be say the state of my heart to make it sounds more pretty—I am in. Panda Express tastes better, but today it was just ok. It was good but it was missing something—it was missing my excitement. Anyhow, I before I left for Panda, I was actually in my bed, contemplating maybe going to eat Panda..and a text popped up, “Hey, I’m free to talk if you are,” from a friend. I mean “a friend” sounded distant because people usually say “my friend” has texted me. Weirdly enough, ‘a friend’ was probably is the people outside of my family that I actually say something to or tell him stuff personally to. But yeah, miraculously enough, I called him a friend and not my friend. And maybe that is also another reflection of the way my thinking are. Well as I typing this, another so called ‘a friend’ just texted me saying that he couldn’t make it to tennis because he hasn’t finished working. I know I does that too, but honestly I would just say I can’t make it today and be done with it. And that had probably wha it could do. No, I typically does that if I can’t make it to something I would just let them know something came up, so I can’t make it or simply I can’t today and maybe throwing a free sorry here and there like “sorry, I can’t today,” when I almost means no I can’t talk period. It is really funny how my minds work, but I forgot that other have minds too, so that is a while other realm I rather not explore. And maybe try to understand and be nice. I know I’m a selfish being and I am relying on God to make me less selfish. I know He’s Always Presence. And I had this feeling that He’ll be coming soon, so He’s telling me to get ready and be good—to remain in Him and listen to what He has been telling me. I think that this thought of Him coming soon has nothing to do with the reason changing, but more with Him actually coming soon to take those to has been faithful back to him in heaven. Well, I would be sad that my mom and dad as of now isn’t safe and honestly I get to know God because of His people and right now let me tell you, if my mom and dad is looking at me who believe in God, they are not seeing a good version of me. I am more than likely not the light. I am an emotionally being and I learnt today that I should trust my feelings and emotions well, I’m not cleared on this. How are we human if we can’t trust our emotion. I’m confused right now and I know Jesus always has plans. Anyhow, today at Panda, with the social distancing, all the hungry people has to form line that extend outside of the store because they only “allow max of 5 people instead,” and honestly this rule is very abuse because they weren’t actually five people instead but more. Anyhow, beside a whole other issues of rule or should I say “saying,” nah, I’m back to saying rules because somehow they are more than not broken or have exceptions that weren’t explicitly say in the rules. Deep breath. Anyhow, yes, back to the point of mentioning the line at Panda. Just so you know if it’s not obvious I’m still sitting in my truck, in a parking lot I’m front of Panda and eating Panda while typing my thought and it has been nothing but entertaining. So right, right when I walk to the store and I remembered thinking “wow, there are lots of people, hungry, and me too.” There is this man, I had backspaced typing “this is this gentleman,” because I don’t know if he’s gentle. Somehow the society wanted men to be more gentle, so they’re enforcing the pronoun to reminding them to not be barbaric but Gentle. Anyhow, this man was in line as I walked up, I saw him and there were what appeared to be a mom and two sons after the man, so I thought oh he’s the dad. But I took me like maybe 3 guessing minutes to realized that no the man came by himself. I quickly became instead in him for maybe another minute or two. Ok let me clarified that I wasn’t interested in him like what you might be thinking which is lovely dovey, potentially romantically, but just interested. I began to think, ok, this man is looking good for his age, which I’m thinking 35 but he could be more, he just maintain his shape, so he looks nice and fitted. I don’t know how much he pays for his “gym” time but nevertheless he caught my 23 year old attention enough to start analyzing him. Also let me clarified that I like beauty and aesthetics. And perhaps I shouldn’t have clarified myself assss most of us notice the beautiful things in life and we appreciate them and whatever I don’t need to excuse myself for this. This man looks good for his age and instead of ordering a plate, he ordered a bowl, so my mind of like oh he’s dad who’s ordering this for a child, so like how quickly I noticed him, he got dropped. And I order my food not even remembering him until after I finished ordering my food is when I was him India car in front of Panda. It was a nice car, a black, sleek, Volvo. I was like “woo” not out loud of course, I I just walk walk walk walk to my car all happy because of the weather. I turned my head to the sun, all perky, and walk to my truck with a thought that maybe he could me a stalker. So he pulled out to the street and left and I was like “man, he is kind da cute.”
It’s now 7:46 and it’s night and I’m 1/4 to finishing my food and I’m already thinking of an ice cream shop but maybe I will visit my aunt instead of some frozen dairy, cream, and sugar. Sometimes, I have high expectations of people around me, used to be my ex, my aunt, and family. I learned quite a while now that expectation kills good feeling of appreciation in relationships. And the root of it is probably selfishness which I know I harbor and have. Anyhow, I know life in itself is good, God created man, woman, living things for good, but we got corrupted and turn against God. Our mind got this off and on plague of human selfishness and pride and dirty dirty, disgusted desires. Anyhow, I’m getting a little too deep here that I too, haven’t figured it out and I’m probably borrowing somebody else’s thought. If I am being really really even more honest, then I have had sex with my guy for the first time. He was my second boyfriend, and I remembered a pastor I watched on YouTuBe said that sex is meant to be a joining of soul kind of moment and it was only between husband and wife and it was beautiful, sacred, and maybe he said holy or I just came up with it. Anyway, this joining god the soul moment in sexual intercourse that I had with my ex was simply not meant to be. I got a part of him, and maybe he got a part of me too. I have been noticing that the thought I dislike about him that he expressed to me became something I’m having them myself. I became judge mental about people and impatient Mx etc. etc. When driving, judging people in the way I haven’t really been and I think it was this joining of soul moment that I took from him. And no I didn’t want it but I was tempted and fell for it. God forgives but that doesn’t means I won’t experience the consequences. And that relationship was almost 2 years ago and I’m still living the consequences and it seemed like a part of him never left me—free. I carried a part of him, how he acted and behave with me and the thought of it pops up here and there whenever my thought chooses. I’m not living in the pain that I had in the beginning months after break up and it is better now than it has been. And I have been careful with relationship with the man and women alike. I know than men think differently than women, I mean c’on this is not a surprise statement in this day and age. Men somehow, motivated and hunt for sex when they found the object they fancy. Women kind for maybe a protector. I could be so so wrong in this thought and it is not that simple. I’m not saying that all man are shallow, even if I 100% sounded that way. Some of us doesn’t have our thought plague with stuff and do look for a more pure love and relationship—symbiosis than selfish ones. Oh did I tell you that I’ve been angry at my dad for like a month now. They were stories after stories that causes him to smoke weed and find happiness in it as a way to cover how he feels about me or how I’ve hurt or not listen to him. I have taken him for granted. I’ve abused him emotionally and he is not going to come out and say that I’ve hurt him. He is very passive with his emotion. I never know how he truly felt and I could say that is the skill he never quite learn to express. And most men never learned to express their feelings, my grandpa included and may be some of yours too. He rather relied on weed to make him happy when distress and hope that one day it will get better. And honestly, I don’t want to break it, but weed will not cute the problem that inflame the heart—only God can. I still harbor this anger I have toward him and sometimes, I feel like I started to be angry with others too quickly. I got angry at my mom, sister, and aunt quickly after that. I blamed them for not being there for me and ignoring what I told them to do. Anger is like fire, once it started it’s not easy to contain the spread. The coolest story of this story is that it has been almost 3 hours in my car writing down my thoughts. Writing is probably my favorite hobby that I don’t always tell people or at least say that it is my hobby or therapy or what ever to call it. I enjoy expressing my thought and feelings that only I care about. And
perhaps God do too. I have clips of thought here and there of wanting to write a book and publish it to the world to see and hear—to be understood or to be heard. But no one will completely understand me in a flesh form. But it is still fun to have someone able to relate. I do less than 90% of fabricating my stories and anything I wrote so the book should be non-fiction or an autobiography in the store. Now I’m extremely thirsty after eating, but I’m busy typing. And that rhymes, so maybe I should be a rapper too. I do escape from the harshness or unpleasantness of the world from time to time whenever it gets boring and especially hard. I get away and be with myself—recharge. The people who study and try to put people into category would call me an introvert. And I didn’t realized myself enough to say that yes I am more than likely an introvert. I’m a first when I met you extrovert and when I got to warm up with me, introvert. I can lose and gain a pound simultaneously. It is funny how that works. And did I tell you that I wanted to work with my hand I’m a field that would more than likely allow me to financially build and design my own home. I’m a field that I am able to utilize my skill and purpose and thinking and the way I sort of am. I wanted to work with my hand to either be a dentist or a surgeon. And I’m leaning towards surgery more than dentistry even though for some reason life keep steering me away from the hospital. And maybe God is telling me to be a dentist instead and he probably telling me so right now and I keep questioning it. You know I’m going to just apply for dental school. Maybe I should just start looking at some when I get home. I never really look into dental school at all as funny as it sound. Also, my cousin is a dentist and there is only one medical doctor in my family and one dentist, but still she is only 2 years older than me and so I don’t want to have the same occupation as she did. My pride ego is saying I want to be the only one in my generation to be a surgeon—to be the first and a pioneer. And I think that is why I choose medical school. I wonder if I could be both though? Is there someone out there like that two holding these two jobs at once. I’m sure there is. And I’ve never been a one way street person. I’m more than one street, I always hold more than one job, do more than one thing at a time. It felt unsatisfying to just do one thing, so why not both? I think I’m going to start with a gentle school? And then apply to medical school? Or should I start with my original plan of the medical school first and go from there. Perhaps that is better. Right about now is when food starting to smell like vomit. What seems to be a bustling and lively weather quickly turn quiet and slow wind. I think I’m going to call my aunt and go see her for some ice cream. It was a voice mail as it has been such recently for the past week—goes straight to the voice mail. If she knows technology well, I would think she block me on purpose like I had just block my sister and mom last night. Isn’t it petty. I know it is, trust me, and it will change to unblock I’m a few hours maybe. I wanted some free ice cream right now at my aunt’s. And a thought just came to my the “my aunt’s” should be a name of a restaurant or food truck or something. It’s different and I’m different just like I am different than you and everybody else. We have similarities but some different. Well she just called back and I guilt her by saying she doesn’t never put to heart into getting my favorite ice cream at the store. My heading to see her right now.