Fear of Commitment (aka fear of being hurt)

I sometimes wonder whether I actually have a fear of commitment aka a fear of being disappointed/getting hurt. I have it to some degree, I think we all do, only to which extent.

How do we deal with it?

  1. To acknowledge the risks
  2. To view the risks with positivity* even if it may seems counterinutitive
  3. To view life as learning and growing experience

Risks. Decision.

This world is full of people who had no idea what they want to do. They’re chasing something that isn’t their “passion.” It can money fame, relationship, whatever. Something that feel like they need to have but actually does not need it, at least at the moment. So it is important to chase and find something that you like at the moment and just go for it because when are you going to do it? Literally when? In the next 3 years? OMG, it seems like a long time. If you like something and wanting to do it then do it. Do it. Do it as soon as you can. We have to realize that our idea and how we are or how we think we are has a lot to do with societal expectation of us. Who says we can’t be homeless, who says we shouldn’t do art. We hears all these things that others, some voices, suggestions, advice? tells us to do. Society determines “income” with our job. Whatever they feel are valuable will have more price. Healthcare for example have high cost because we associate life and service to be more valuable and therefore it costs more than perhaps something that isn’t as life threatening such as picking up trash or cleaning the bathroom pays. Now, society put on a price tag on what they decide to pay. If we have a messy bathroom, now that is necessary. But heart problem is more urgent therefore, it ought to be done now and it costs more. Now those “advices” from whoever you received, we are going to assume for most cases that they meant well, yes, perhaps, but they may not necessarily correct. Really, they may not be right either. They makes mistakes too, perhaps they ‘re older, but they , too, make mistakes. We all do! And it is okay to make mistakes and the word mistakes is also made up and has been given a negative connotation to it. If mistakes = awesome then we know that mistakes means awesome, connotes positivity. However, we tends to associate the word mistake to “you messing up,” well learned from it, move on, etc.

Now in some scenario, those advices are conflicting with us. I remembered that my dad told me that being a doctor is a good job. Why not you try it. If I remembered correctly, that is what he sort of inferred. Since that day, I sort of having an idea of what is it to be a doctor. You help patients, taking care of the sick, helping them get better and feel better.

My dad looked at the photo of his oldest sister, which he obviously admired her, because she is considered “successful.” She earned the societal standard of the word “success.” Being a medical doctor is considered to be a respectable occupation. The society considered doctor, lawyer, successful business/company owner (CEO*) to be respectable because they supposedly contribute to the societal needs. They’re making big impact. They saves lives, saves someone from wrong, saves someone life in term of not having to be locked up when they may not be guilty, they produce goods and products like shampoos, conditioners, foods, medicines, etc to our home. So whoever makes the most impact earns the bucks.

Now a good question is what I do I want to do in life? I want to create something for me to feel proud and accomplished; to make an impact, mostly to making myself feel value and useful. Well, what is next when I feel proud and accomplish doesn’t last as it was initially started. That why, musics producers kept on producing musics, that is perhaps also why new company came out with a new product, or perhaps that is why a chef or restaurant came out with a new menu.

Don’t say we can’t do something because we can.

Right now, I am not yet been doing something that I was meant to do. I haven’t really started on the journey of doing the thing I want. I have always been creative. I am detailed oriented. I am a quick learner. I like to create. I enjoy drawing and painting. I am good at these detail oriented work. Therefore working with numbers is the same way. I like math. I like to floss and brush my teeth. I fold my cloths. I prep my meal. I like to write to discover and express. I think being a surgeon maybe a job for me since, I am stable, detail and can handle stressed*. * the stressed part needed to be validated. I don’t care about having to work hard* as long as I enjoy what I do. I don’t want to work hard at the things I don’t really enjoy or the thing I didn’t want to do. That is why, doing some school assignments doesn’t resonates with me. However, I still would have to do it. I might simply go to become a fashion designer. Now, there are cloth out there. There are many competition.

As a human, we are constantly making mistakes from the first day we learned to walk, they’re taking that step to talk (arguably innately, unless you have some sort of specialty, or disability hindering them from pursuing this act) well anyway, when we were young we were taking this risk of learning how to walk. Now when we first learning how to walk, we sort of just walk. Honestly, I don’t remembered the first time I started walking. I don’t think my parents do either. But, we just walk because we’re design to walk. It is innate. And when we do walk, we don’t think about failing. We didn’t expected to fall. The falling parts just happened, we may cry, we may not cry. Whatever it may be, …..we eventually get back up to walk again.

This is how choosing what to do is like in a sense. I should just go for what I found interesting, go for it. Just simply do it, whatever, I like, just go for it and see it for myself whether or not it is a good fit. Choose what I like without ANY societal expectation, statistic, data, and sort of “advice” you may hear in the past. Just choose what you like and go for it. Whatever, it may be. Take the risk of failing. Think of the time you learned something new because you wanted to and it happens or it may fail. Whatever just go with it.

I tend to be a person who like to be sure of making sure the rock that I am going to take a step is stable. I like to be sure before I approach. This comes when I am choosing a major, relationship, etc. I need to be sure before I do things. I didn’t like disappointment. I didn’t want to get hurt. I didn’t want to having to change or waste my time and money. I didn’t want to be hurt basically.

I have to admit that hurting is part of getting back up to walk. Hurting is good. Hurting is challenging. Hurting is putting yourself at risk (not physically risk like dying but emotional and psychological risk). Hurting is necessary. Hurting is good. Hurting is getting back up.

It is more clear than ever that I wanted to find something and go for it. I want to be a designer. I like to create my own thing. Make my own thing. Entrepreneurship is somewhere in me. I had thought of creating my own application. I had thought of creating jewelry and sell them on Etsy. When I was little I sold stuff that I put effort in. I am a seller and I like to create my own line of things. However, I need to think of what I want to do. I had thought of opening restaurant. I want to create my own empire of things that is what I want. I am somewhat still in conflict.

Beneath God. Always. However, I will always consider God.

Lonliness

Oh, boy. Who ever thought, I had felt bored and perhaps lonely. It is not that I thought of myself as indivisible, but honestly, I don’t feel lonely, until perhaps now. I think it is good that I feel this way because when people told me, “But wont’t you be lonely?” I quickly responded to them, “No! But I can see why you would say that.” This made me realize that people do feel lonesome at times, especially in college. I honestly, do not typically feel lonely because I occupy myself with stuff I needed to do. Well, I don’t know, now, I didn’t occupy myself, so I am experiencing something quite not fun here, loneliness perhaps boredom that could quite turn into loneliness easily. I used to be really comfortable with quietness, the quieter, the better. I am typically very much so happy being by myself. Now, I wanted to go back to that phrase of being able to again enjoying my own company.

It is sad that I am feeling this way, it is truly is. I am not sure if God has place me into this position in order for me to learn something, otherwise wouldn’t. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I have the MCAT that needed to be studied. I am taking a class in biomedical ethics that can always be learned ahead. I also can organize my room. Additionally,  I can also review old materials for the MCAT and even learned organic chemistry that I will take this fall. I can name many things that can be completed, however, where is my heart at?

Perhaps this is a side effect of a break up. I read in an article that after a break up girl will typically cry like crazy, while the guy seem to be okay initially, however, not in the long term like a month or two months later. Honestly, I think that I am a guy in this situation. I was feeling totally okay right after the break up because I feel like it was meant to be. However, I think I am feeling the side effect now, the lonesomeness. 😭😭. Anyway, the not so intelligent thing to do is to jump right into another relationship. Actually, I don’t want to restrict myself, but honestly, it would be wiser to not be in a relationship in college, in my case. I don’t need this, not now at the very least because there are goals that is ahead.

Dear God, I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I feel alone for the very first time. Perhaps, it is the side effect of my break up. It is sad. It is truly is, but I think you has place this in my life a reason and that I should rejoice. There is a verse in the Bible that mention to rejoice and give thanks even in the mist of suffering. And I knew that I am feeling something because there is a knot in my stomach. I am simply sad and I admitted it. I know there is a reason I am feeling this way, otherwise, I may not have learned what it is like to feel lonely. It kept me grounded and humbled, which is something I have been prayed for. Oh God, you’re greater than anything I could ever face in life. You are my God, my Rock, and I need as well as follow you.

The Kindness of a Stranger

I had to admit that at times,  I am a skeptic. I am skeptical about certain things and sometimes not even realizing it. I don’t always believe what other say, for instance, when I am listening in class to a professor. I listened, but I certainly have my opinions and questioned whether the fact made sense and if they didn’t then I simply stood my ground.

Yesterday was a Friday. I am hoping that one of my friend would invited me to play tennis with him. Since we both sort of threw that in the air, but both did not took the initiative. Anyway, from a week of work and taking classes, I felt asleep at around 10 pm, didn’t take shower nor even brushed my teeth (which rarely happens). I went to bed and woke up again at 4 am until falling to sleep again to wake up at around 10 am. I showered, washed my hair, blow dried it, and get dressed. I walked downstairs to make breakfast and lunch. I ate and knew that I had to go buy grocery as well as buy a book for a class I am taking in the summer.

I went to Sprout Farmer Market, which is a nice grocery store that is full of stuffs I like, it has varieties. I was choosing cilantro, and other ingratiates to make salad for the upcoming week. Then I saw a sign, “5/1 dollar Sweet Corns,” I like corn on my salad, so I decided to give it a look and choose the best corn kernel. All of a sudden, a lady around early 70 years old came and complimented my shoes and asked where had I got them from. I told her “I think I got them from Sperry.” We began our conversation that way, which I am not sure if she really liked my shoes or simply wanted a conversation. I think she really like my shoes as she continued asking where she could find them. Afterwards, she began to help me picked out corns and gave me tricks on how to choose the best corn. That’s why I titled this story “The Kindness of a Stranger.” I don’t even know her name. All I know is that this lady was kind.

Another story when I encountered another an example of kindness is the fact that my friend, I am not entirely sure if we’re “friend” quite yet, but anyway, we’re not getting into such topic. Anyway, right around 9 pm today, I was getting hungry right after my nap. I went down stairs to make a tuna sandwich. As I gather the ingredients on the kitchen counter. I started chopping celeries and bell peppers into tiny pieces, all of a sudden I received a phone call, which I thought was a FaceTime call from my sister, but when I was began to answer, I saw that it was a phone call and not a FaceTime call from my family. It was quite interesting that I received a call from someone at 9 pm. I answered, realizing that it was a male voice that I was not familiar, he kept taking, suggesting that we go get an ice-cream. I was hesitant: first, I don’t eat diary except eggs, second, I am in a middle of prepping food, and third and lastly, it is late. All of the above was the reasons why I said, “….maybe later, but thanks for inviting me,” and hung up. Anyway, I might disappointed the guy, but I had to stood my ground, I had my reasons. However, I still think it was kind of him to invite me to get ice-cream with him. He also said in the phone conversation to “don’t think too much about it.” Well, I am the way I am.

Anyways, these are story of when I encountered kindness. There are also times when this friend of mine offered to help me move my stuff into the apartment or when I asked him if he could help me picked up the elliptical and a keyboard at a lady house because he has a truck and strength. I genuinely do appreciate his help, but I don’t know if the guy is being nice just to be nice (the person he is) or if he has other intentions. Regardless, of the the reasons, I still appreciate people kindness when I didn’t expected them to be.

What I learned/ing Today

It is fascinating that one class has allowed me to think and I really mean Think. I came to a class with an expectation that it will be interesting as I have also heard from my friend, Tooba that biomedical ethics was a class she has found to be interesting. I came to the class with a positive mindset about it and as the course went on (today is our day 3) it has  struck me that wow, it makes me think. Okay, so you get the point that this class unlocked my thinking power whereas I might have been too lazy to think or to simply say, “oh well,” and did not care much less.

I am not sure if with the combination of the lack of sleep, which has heavily take part in that I am a little (or more) all over the place. I like to evaluate. I evaluate my past relationship, the topics of discussion happened today during class, etc. I evaluate pattern and behavior–this is possibly the way I am.

I am simply glad that I was partially set myself up to take this course, perhaps unconsciously or subconsciously that I had planed on taking it. I was hesitate whether or not to take this course in the beginning, and had thought of dropping it, however, if I were to drop the course, it will show on my transcript as a withdraw, which I didn’t want an unnecessarily withdrawal. Additionally, I wouldn’t be able to get a single refund for the tuition, so I continue on with the class. The main reason for hesitating whether to take the course was mostly has to do with the amount tuition, however, my conscious perhaps subconscious lead me to take the course.

My time management have got to improve.

Sometimes, it is important to do what is best for yourself first in a context, this may sounds selfish, however, take this instances for example, my friend asked if I had wanted to play tennis today at 5:30, well, I do, I really do want to play, but I know that I am tired and needed rest. I also got homework that also needs to be done. If I were to think that well,  I should play anyway because this friend, after all is a nice guy and that he invited me, and I didn’t want to reject him. Well, this won’t be good. Do what is needed to be done first in a certain context or situation. Even if I were to g play with him, 1) I won’t have as much fun, because I was too tired and perhaps he will be too, because the game was not interesting, 2) the game will be spent mostly on picking up balls instead of hitting back and fourth because I need to rest and be rejuvinated.

I also learned that I am not as direct when I am talking to someone whom I am not yet comfortable talking to, so with someone I haven’t known for very long, I tend to speak in an indirect manner in order to not hurt their feelings. With my sister, I used to be quite direct almost to the point of judgmental and critical when I try to tell her something, but I have gotten better at talking to her that whenever I wanted to recommend her about something I will speak to her gentler, she listens and will not feel hurt or criticize by it.  It is true that thoughts lead to action, sometimes we’re not sure why we acted a certain way, but there are subconscious thought that dictates our perception and also action.

I learned this at my work place as well! That we communicates more than by words! It is simply interesting. We spoke about this in my Sunday Bible School that whatever we do, we should perform as if serving for the Lord and by doing so, would allow us to be less selfish.

What I also learned at work is to complete the task I have been assign well and with the best intention.

 

God has a plan, always

No matter what, trust in the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind, is the first greatest commandment and truly does holds true. There has been many occasion all throughout my walk with Him that He has present and shown himself to me, through his miracle that I only known were from Him. There has been many occasions and I am thankful. He is all knowing, all powerful, and all presence.

God Never Fails

You have no idea that I was disappointed when I found out that I had missed a chemistry lab final that I had a 94 in the class, but since I had missed the lab final and if I couldn’t take it then I would end up with a C in the class, which is not a failing grade, however, since I had an A (before the final), it would be disappointed because I tried to get good grade in the lab.

With the hope to improve the situation, I went to the professor’s office, however, she wasn’t there at the time, so I simply waited on her at a chemistry tutoring room next door to her office. It wasn’t long until I saw her in the hallway. She seemed to be in a rush, which I didn’t knew at the time I approached her that she was on her way to the bathroom before I stopped her to discuss my situation. She quickly told me to email her with my student ID and my chemistry lab section number in order for her to open to lab final for me to complete. However, she also told me that whatever I’lll make on the lab final will be 50% off of what I get, which means that even if I scored a 100 (which is not simply to score) that I will instead get a 50. This condition is the consequence of having not taken the final on time. This made me sad and disappointed, because I had a 94 in the lab, which means that I could potentially ended up in the class with an A, however, even if I scored a 100 on the final it will scored as 50 in the grade book, which means I will get a B in the lab.

I was sad and was a tiny bit annoyed at myself for having missed the final, however, I told myself that it is okay because no matter what God got me and He has a plan. That whatever I am going through, it will work out. Even though, I messed up, but my God is greater, bigger, better, and stronger than anything I am going through. And that it will work out at the end because He is God.

So, I decided to emailed Dr. T. my ID and lab section with an added description about 3 paragraphs long of why I care and if she would be willing to help me and not take 50% off of the grade that I will make on the final.

I received her email later in the day that only said “the final has been reopen for you and that you have until 9 p.m. tonight to submit it.” I was sort of expressionless because I had hoped that she would mentioned something along the line of “I will consider.”  She told me that she had sent 2 emails, which I did opened, but did not read throughly. Notice the underlined word, “NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.42.58 PM

Anyway, I went ahead and took the final (which is online, but it is not easy) with a help of a friend I had never met, except through a group me, which is an app where students help other students with reminders, group study, reviews, etc. Dylan, a guy whom I texted to help me with the final replied saying that he could help me. I was so thankful and most of all to my God.  So, Dylan whom scored 92 himself and helped 2 other people scored an 88 was being so kind to help me.

So, after I finished taking my final with Dylan. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, saying how much I truly appreciate his help. He replied saying that he wasn’t that much of an effort, but ohh.. trust me, I am so thrilled. This made me realized that he is really kind.

After we departed, I went to have dinner with a friend, workout afterward, and my day pretty much ended.

Last night, my prayers were also for the chemistry lab grade that hopefully I could get an A, however, I also added that God knows.

Until today, as I am typing, I went on blackboard, which is a site where my grades are posted and I saw …Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.38.00 PM

I was so thrilled that a 94 had gone down 2 points to a 92, which may or may not be rounded to a 93, but it hardly matters because 90-100 is an A! I realized that Dr. T did not take off 50% of the final grade that I made! Which is a miracle that only God can performed and provided! Throughout my walk with Him, God has continuously shown himself to me in a way that I knew were from Him. God is so good and is always there for me that no matter the result, I know that He is God, who truly got me and even if I got a B in the course, I remembered thinking this to myself that even if I got a B in the lab that God has a plan, and He knows best.

This particular event reminded me of a story of Peter (if I had remembered the story correctly) when Jesus made him walked on water, but then Peter started to have doubts, which made him fallen and about to drown. At that moment, God is working with Peter, performing a miracle with Him, but Peter lost sight and started doubting God, so as a result he drowned. The story goes something along this line if I had remembered it correctly. But the point of referring to this story is a reminder to myself to trust in God, which means to realized that He knows. God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent (all knowing, always there, and all powerful). And to be humble that it is not me, but because of Him, of His grace, His wisdom, His power, and His love. 

This event happened and all I want is to praise God, to give Him the Glory for He is good, merciful, and just. I am so thankful to Him, so thankful. Praise be to God.