It has been awhile pt.1

So Yeah, it has been a while since the last time I write something.

Something inspired me to write again. No, I’m not ranting because I am going through a hard time. Things have been going good. I slowly found myself again, which is always good. I will keep finding myself. The person I am, embrace it.

There is honestly nothing more fun than hanging out with friends. Like legit, it is fun to have fun with friends. This is not underrated. Not everyone is the same, but I honestly do not understand how someone could be alone and will not reach out to anyone. Of course, I am not them and I am trying to empathetic. But anyhow, I am glad I can find people I like hang out with. It is a blessing and I am thankful.

I hope to keep on building friendship with people. It is great.

Anyhow I am glad that I get to reflect on my thought today.

Anyway, I met someone, not like what you think, but someone invited me to coffee!

Not going to lie, I would say yes for that. Now that I know that I dislike dinner date and movie date. Both is a no no. Big time. So it was a good choice in him to ask me for coffee, I would say yes.

I do not want to limit myself. That would be a bad learning experience. Of course, it would be a bit uncomfortable in a sense that I would not know how it would go down. Regardless I think it is amazing I get this opportunity. How it will turn out I don’t know, but it would be a good experience.

First of I know that it would be awhile for me to settle down with anyone. I am quite certain about that. I do not think anything could truly stop me from having fun and enjoying getting to know people. So asking me to settle down or be someone girlfriend, right now is a no. Most likely. Because 1) I have an ideal about how relationship is suppose to be, and most people would not be able to meet that I assume. It is not crazy or anything, but I feel like most guys nowadays or at least the one I have met are not going to have the same ideal as me. That’s why it important to talk and see where they stand. What they like? Who are they really as a person. Hopefully I could pay enough attention and listen for answer, which I will try.

A guy who cannot communicate is a no like my life is already complicated, I do not want additional complication and especially when things are going good right now with everything. I am enjoying my life. I know that I am independent, but still like to have fun and socialize with people. Having good company with good conversation is something I enjoy, no matter where that takes me.

So I like someone honest, open to deep talk. Someone I can connect with on emotional level. Without it, probably won’t last.

In the past I did not really know what I was looking for per se. I also tend to be with a guy who is the opposite from me :/ And the one that I do get along with, I just did not like them.

Anyway, dating or being in a relationship is not my priority. I enjoy getting to know you first. Be your “friend.” So, I will still have fun, yet be intentional about it. I have my list so I know them. I will not judge book by cover. I will try to read and see if it is the book I would buy. Because I think I know what I want.

If I were to go on a date, it will not be more than 1 hr. that will be a max. No matter what.  I will listen more. I will ask question sometimes. Even though I would be tempted to talk. I will be honest and real because otherwise I cheating someone and myself. I like the idea of a coffee, I do not mind that at all.

We will see what happens, I will be myself but within bound 🙂

The other day I was going to reflect on something I thought of writing, but of course, now, I forgot what I had plan to write. Bummer. What was it though.


Also, another advice I would give to myself is to be focus and not waste time having fun on something that is not. As simple as that. Not only is it not it, but since you do know what you want, then don’t waste time on the thing you know will not work. Learn from your mistake.

Getting Cut in Front of the line

There is nothing, absolutely nothing more clear than the title of this writing. Ok, i am being a little worked-up by the experience.

I was waiting in a line at my college cafeteria, microwave station. There is only one microwave by the way. If you want to use it you should wait in line. That is an unwritten social rule. People typically use the microwave for 1-2 minutes depending on how hot they want their food to be. Aside from the context, I was waiting in the line and there were 3 people ahead of me. I was fine, it what we have to do. Next to the microwave were two benches. There is an guy sitting there. He is going to be the source of the problem.

So it was the turn of the guy in from of me to use the microwave. I, then started to digging through my bag-pack for my food container and a fork. By the time the timer rung finished the the guy in from of me, he took his container out and suddenly this guy who doest seem to understand “social rule” just cut in front of me to use the microwave. Me on the other hand, could have make the hugest scene, but that wouldn’t be appropriate. I absolutely dislike what he did. It is low, unfair, and frankly quite ignorant.

I was and still am upset even though it is small, seem small, getting cut in front of the line. It speaks a lot about how someone could careless about waiting at the seat and thought he was in the line. Absurd. Next time, if I see this “guy” again, I am going to make him go back to the line and wait like everybody else.

This experience upset me. It makes male realized that I want justice, even if it is at a small scale. It makes me wanted to give this guy a talk of the stuff he was ignorant. Mt close to an exact word was “You just can’t do that, like this time is fine, but there is a line..” Some thing like that, there was more of thing going through my mind than what I could articulate. I was definitely didn’t not look at him kindly. It probably shown in my facial expression how displeased I was. Another thing is age doesn’t seem to be an indication of how well someone should behave because clearly a middle age man, probably not a native born (coming from another country) may not understand the custom of waiting in line? How could this be? Regardless of any society you come from, there should be many unwritten social rule they live-in.


Anyhow I am furious, frustrated, and annoyed at the dude who is ignorant. I can be ignorant too. We all can, but the point of this writing is probably could be title “Ignorant, injustice.” Idk many other means words.



I honestly learned

Sometimes, we should sit and listen to ourselves. Listening meaning communicate with ourselves and what we wanted.

I listened to a Thai Talk Show. But saying that it’s a talk show might be misinterpreted because it’s a talk show that is very honest and thought provoking. They talked about relationship stuff. People who went through a divorce as well as new found love. What they learned–sharing their experiences with the viewers. I honestly I can relate with one the celebrity who went through a divorce. Not that I’ve been in one. It was not her divorce story that I could relate, but I could relate with her problems. Because what she struggle to see I what I can see myself and actually do have it. The struggle that she had I also see it in me. Her story teach me that if I’m not careful or don’t do anything with these traits that I have, I will have to live the consequences. I can foresee my own doing to myself. It’s like I’m hurting myself. If I don’t do anything.

I know I’m selfish, demanding, and think of myself first. I had it when I was little. I have it now. Little or a lot I still have it. When I see myself as bigger and better than other people. They should do things for me. That they should do x, y, and z for me.

I was raised by love from my parents. It’s a love that always give to me. Without me having to earn or give as much because I was always receiving. I’m not saying love should be earn. But sometimes when I’m earning and earning. I also don’t learn or see the need to give because I was always in the receiving end of the spectrum and I will continue to live this life not knowing that it is not the life that I want for me. I was raised and also of my own doing, to receive and not give love or to care for others as much. I want to be a doctor also due to stability, it was my dream job, it seems prestigious, but I also know that being a doctor I must learn to give with love. I must learn to care for others even if they may not know who to care for themselves. I’m not perfect. But it takes a good, improve heart in the field. Am I up for the job, the Lord will show me.

I realized that I live day-to-day, keeping myself busy as a distraction for the problem that requires self-talk. How can I live life better. How to live and chasing something that’s worthwhile. I know chasing God is a way to go. Well, how to chase after God. Read your bible? Go to church? Have everything be up to the Lord?

Many many thing is God’s plan. I believe He plan out my life for me with whatever plan has had. I’m going through this period in life because perhaps it was time that I learn something he knew I lacked and is reminding me to the fruit he plan for me to be.

Pride and selfishness stems from the same source. No matter what this is I need to thrive to be better with God’s help.

I know if self-center and selfish, as well as not caring for others in the capacity I had wanted someone to be for me. I expect a lot but yield so little.

If I continue to live this life and be ok with it. I might not experience the kind of love, joy, and peace I want for myself, those around me, and my loved one. I don’t know if this is being hard on yourself or what. I may over think it. I don’t know, but the conclusion that I received today are lessons I’ve been neglected for quite some times now.

I will not be able to see the split or log in anyone’s eye when I have a trunk in my own.

This new year, there are things I wanted such as boots and a nice pair of jeans. May be a dress. I also knew that there are deeper things I need more in life. I honestly need to get in touch with myself more. Set aside time for myself and love ones to sit back and talk. To have a deep conversation with myself that I know I love. Sometimes, the deepest emotions to have is with myself.

Could our relationship have worked?

I would say probably. But why it didn’t work out? It was because I ignored myself. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t follow my own advice that I might be good at telling to others.

I wouldn’t change anything because I can’t change the past. What I can do is with the future. It’s sometimes an alternation between focusing on what’s in front of me and looking ahead. Just like when I run.

Sometimes, I wonder about God, but at the same times He is always with me even when I don’t think he is. Because I can feel it. His love for me. That makes me know that even when it seems hard,m. Even when I’m struggling. There will be good things that comes around for me to be thankful for in this life.

Listening to musics

Learning to be happy and full on my own is a must. I’m trying. It is absolutely untrue that in order to be happy, you must be in relationship. Sure, relationship can certainly make you happy. May be a lot. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a way to still be happy and that is through Jesus Christ. I’m lacking in this aspect. I must need him more and asking him to fulfill my empty soul. A not so joyful soul.

Life is short. I don’t want to wasted on memories. But I wanted to let it be wasted on making new ones. It’s absolutely critical that I living my life. Listening to good musics. Go on an adventure. Do fun things. Don’t wasted on disappointments. Cry if it makes you feel better but only do it if it’s going to make you feel better to get back up.

My mom’s so funny. She worried if I’m going to have depression. There are different types of depressive disorders. One being the most common form is call major depressive disorder (MDD) or clinical depression and another called persistent depressive disorder (PDD). Both are undesirable, but if you have PDD, you don’t even know if you have it, because you’re always feeling depressed. That’s scary. MDD patient are likely to be in the baseline if they’re not experiencing bouts of depression. I hope I don’t have either of disorders. It’s scary.

The symptoms of depressions are:

-little or excessive sleep

-lost of motivation

-little or excessive eating

-antisocial tendency


I don’t know, I don’t want it. Hopefully, I can get back to my normal self very very soon.

At the end

At the end, I’ll continue to do what I want, right? When will this change? Jesus, I wanted to hang out with him because I miss him. Can I do that? Will I get hurt? Why do I throw myself onto someone like that? Is there no self worth what-so-ever? Do I even love myself? Do you love yourself or do you love him?

Why does it have to be this hard? Maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard at all? If I can just hangout because I wanted to.

Does he even wanted to hangout with me? I don’t even know.

I just wanted to watch movie with him? And will I be satisfy with just that when the movie ended? Answer yourself that.

Maybe if we talk?

Yes, I’ll be satisfy.

Will I except a no?


Will I be sad if he say no?

I would just f* it off?


If there is one thing you learned at 22

If there is one thing I learned at 22 is that life is too short–

-to be sad

-to be miserable

-for wishful thinking at things I can’t or don’t have

Life is too short to be wasted on heart break or wishing for something that isn’t meant to be or what not.

My dad and I had this talk. He opened my eyes in many things. He’s right.

I’ve been wasting my life being sad and miserable. I should go out and enjoy things. I really should. I want to learn how to skate. Well, go do that. Regardless of worrying about getting hurt, falling, and such. Go buy yourself a skateboard. Practice it everyday and see what that will do to you.

You always have the inclination for adrenaline. Learning how to skate will also pave your way for snowboarding, which has been something you always wanted to do.

Cam, life is too short to be wasted on sadness or disappointment. If it doesn’t go your way, it is ok because there are life left to do more thing. Let it go~let it go~ like what Frozen 1 told you.

Live your life. You really should do that. There isn’t lots of girl who skate on campus. If you learn it over summer break, you would be so cool doing it. Or even a long board, but skating is harder, so go hard or go home.

But yourself a skate board and thank God always.

What’ve learn again at 22

I’ll not allow myself to be drowning or floating on sadness. Even if the safest days are days in which I lost my loved one, maybe I don’t know the actual extent of it, but I will only allow myself to grieve for a certain period of time and that’s it. That’s all.

If in the future, I’m going through another bad, ugly, awful break up where it’s my fall or due to my stupidity or what not. I will learn what I could’ve done better and do better on the next relationship. Learn from my mistakes, prepare for the next one, and not drown in sadness or regrets.

Give myself times to really learn information/materials from classes; to retain and to fully understand it well enough to teach other people.

Learn to exercise and eat well even if you don’t wan to or feel like it.

Keep following/checking things you wanted to do in life. Whatever it may be.

Don’t worry. About the now, today, tomorrow, in five years or in ten years. Embrace the moment. Love it no matter what. Love it, thank it even when it’s doesn’t seem to be going your way or how you wanted it to be.

Be happy. Always be happy. Always spread joy and positivity to the people around you. Whoever you interacted.

Thank God always. Always.

Call Daddy and Mommy super duper often. Set an alarm if you forget.

Give love to Gift.

Call all your relatives twice a week. Set an alarm.

Start reading the MCAT. Daily.


I’m about to go see the carillon ceremony at my school. There will also be carol of lights afterward.

Nostalgia is getting less and less to me.

I’m happy with everything going on so far.

I have my final left. I’m a little…

But it’ll be ok. Everything will be ok.

I just shower. I love the smell of after shower the most. It’s the best.

I miss you a bit. But everything will be ok. Acceptance and moving on is part of recovery. Life is too short to be sad or regret about the past.

Everything is good.

Listening to good musics. Work hard and stay humble. My 22 years of life is not the grandest, but it might as well just be with a switch of a mind. God knows and works through all things even if I don’t know or see his work. I will eventually see it. Trust and give thanks to Him. For his Goodness and provision.