Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.

CE

C.E. was the initial of the guy I came to like and hold on to. A guy whom I don’t know the possibilities. A guy who is unknown. A guy who I need to study for a long time. A guy who I will be patience with. A guy who I will learn to have self-control with. I guy who has consumed my thought more than it should. A guy who I really like. I guy who I love and who brought me pain. A guy who I thought is physically handsome. A guy who I will simply need to learn more. A guy who takes time. A guy who I can’t rush. A guy whom I am not sure. A guy that seems a little bit risky. A guy who I might be willing to learn.

He caught my eyes the moment I saw him. A little may be. I don’t remembered it exactly. But I was going to talk to him regardless because we worked together.

A guy who can be considerate at times at his own will. A guy who I really like. Perhaps a guy who I should give him space. A little space.

Self-control. Self-control. Self-control. Have it.

Church

Well today, I went to church with Chad and Schuyler. Both should get along because who doesn’t get along with Schuyler Holland. I mean this guy is literally so friendly, kind, and genuine. Also very funny. He’s very punny as well. Then there is Chad. Umm, yup there is Chad.

Chad deserves his own paragraph because Chad just like Schuyler and me, I mean we’re all individual people, but yeah Chad is different. Perhaps, for now, he is. He is someone I grow to like. Someone I came to perhaps love. Someone who also brought me pain. Someone I don’t know where he is at. I’m sort of trying let go maybe. Sort of taking a step back with my troops. He is busy with his work. I get it. I will be busy too, but I can always find time for him because he has become someone I will make time for. I don’t know if he feels the same way now that I starting to like him. I scared of being hurt. You know what I am just going to go for it. I am going to do what I want to love and care for him even if it might be disappointed. I will bring him my grandma’s medicine for mosquitoes bite. Because I thought of it.

Anyhow someone (Emerson) once told me to not be afraid. I told me that I’m afraid of being disappointed in love. You know what I am not going to be scare of it anymore. I will do what I want. I will overcome this fear of rejection. Even if he rejected me well, then I learned so much, so so much. So so much more than being rejected. God is protecting me, watching over me. He has something for me. Perhaps he wanted me to learn to love. I don’t care anymore if what I did will got me rejected, because then so let it be it. Let me get rejected, let’s test it. Now I have a hypothesis that I am going to be rejected well, let’s test the hypothesis.

I also don’t know if I will be able to like Chad for a long time. That’s the question. Another test experiment. Will I still love him? With his personality. Am I merely just attracted to his look. I wasn’t in the beginning. I mean a little bit, not a lot. But I grew to like him. I found him more and more attractive. His hard shell. His hard demeanor. Not wanting to hold my hands sometimes. Etc.

Oh well, let just says it’s hard to predict him. I never knew his intention. I might be over thinking it, but I just quite don’t understand it at times. Anyhow I’m going to be patience and wait. I’m going to guard my heart, but still give. I have to ask myself why am I doing this. Perhaps I want my love to be returned. I want his heart. I want him to love me. Is this right? So I’m doing it to get my love return? What if it’s not well then I’ll know that I’ve given my all, it’s just simply not being return and I think I can live with that knowing that I’ve done my best.

What if we’re not meant to be together. What if the past has shown itself. Well, the past want my best. It wasn’t my best. Therefore, doubt is still there. So this time, I will actually tried, it’s just a few thing of my day to do.

I’ve not really done that. But I can. Because I love the person.

Dear Lord, please protect and give me self-control. Please allow me to not be loose in my way and to guard my body and heart. I asked you to help not to settle and not be blindsided by simply his looks. That I truly see through him and see if he’s in fact is or is not the guy for me. I asked that you give me patience, kindness, and love for everyone. I asked that you help me with my choices and decisions. I asked that I will not be fool that you would give me freedom. I asked that you help keep my heart strong.

I asked that you will make me grow. Thank you Jesus for giving friends and families. I prayed that I’ll learn to focus most on the things above for that is where I will be. That I will prepare myself, for the things of the above.

thank you, Jesus for everything. Please help me focus my priorities and to be content, Lord. In your name. Amen.

Mindset: Unlocking Its Power

The power of the mind and our thinking is such a powerful thing. We can set our mind to create, destroy, or simply do nothing. We can use it to process, change, or hinder. Our fights are with our mind. Ego, selfishness, power, etc. Everything begins and end with our mind.

It seems to me that most of us want the goods: free schooling, healthcare, public transportations, better environment to name the fews. But want them, but how we get them is what makes our topic of discussion quite interesting. This is when the power of the mind and where we place our focus are a hurdle or paths to a better future.

I am taking one of the honors class about the City. Particularly, our focus on the class is about our city (the city I live in now and studying), but we definitely talk a lot of other cities as well. Today has so far been the day that I was truly inspired by the class lecture. One of my note wrote “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Life is this case, my professor wrote as:

Life = Healthcare

Liberty  = Opportunity —> Transportation

Pursuit of Happiness = Education

Healthcare, transportation, and education exist in America, but it could be better. Everything could be better as long as we live and exist. We thrive on evolving, on changing, adapting, on evolution. It is a no-stop process. We went from a horse buggy to a flying vehicle. We went from slavery to freedom. Yet, are we truly free. Do we truly escape our own chains and limitation that is rooted in our mind; that lives inside us. Are we free from ourselves, from our own hinder, and capped.

As human, we fear change. We are in fear of the unknown, whether that be relationship, applying for a new position, moving to a different city, studying abroad, aging, doctor’s visit, faith, etc.

We can often time live in fear that hinder us more and more to stagnation to where we just stay where we mostly feel comfortable and not wanting to embrace the unknown. As long as the enemy make us stay stagnant, it’s winning. Not doing anything can be equally as destruction. Didn’t vote doesn’t mean you’re not doing any harm. 92 millions American did not participate in voting. Wealth distribution in America is far beyond from our expectation or reality.

The point of this writing is to inspire us for CHANGE. Because regardless of any changes, we often fear that change will be worse, well, not doing anything, in fact, is equally destructive. Change = unknown result to the change. But if we don’t change then we don’t know and if we don’t know it is stagnation and stagnation = destruction.

To change is to overcoming our fear–it is to liberate.


It is a little disturbing to having been involved with someone who seem (in my opinion) stuck in negative mindset. It is like anything they’ve experience seem to be bringing them misfortune, misery, complaints, or struggles, when in fact, it doesn’t have to be that way. And what seems to be weirder is that I see that they can get out of it; that they can change. They, themselves, may not necessarily see it at the moment. I don’t when or how they will emerged from that things in their live that constantly made them struggle. All I can do is to learn from them, pray for them, and be there fore them when God allows me to–when opportunity arises. Is it a burden to be there for them, in a sense, the answer is yes and no. No, meaning I like to help, but the extend of my help is not only up to me. A lot of the heavy lifting have to and only will come from them to want to change and ask God to help changing it. Yes, it can be a burden, in which my emotion has worry is potentially involved. But what I can control is to not let myself be too emotionally involved, not in a selfish way, but to always help him without expect anything in return. To help him with a light heart. To help him as one human-being who see their potential and as someone who wishes them well. To view of it in this way is be pure in my intention. To let go and forgive. It is to be patience and to have humility. To love and not expecting any in return. To love unconditionally.

If only. Even though, I am certainly not in his life no longer. And it sometimes could be bring me a little pain to be around the person. This is where a little conflict arises. At the same time going back to self can be the answer as well as listening to God. He knows my heart, soul, mind, weakness, and strength. Right now, all I could do is heal and it is a beautiful process. Heal to where He knows I am equipped and protected. Right now what I can do is to pray, perhaps checking on him from time to time if need be. But I’ve also got to perhaps make sure that I would only check on him when I am in a good place to help. Because I don’t think I can be of the best help when I am also battling my own battle. It only makes sense of me to put on the oxygen mask first then extend it to those around me.


Nevertheless, trusting in God has processing me into a direction and mindset that He intended. The weight and struggle begins to subside, the cloud lifted, and sunshine peaked-in. There is no greater love than thee.

Why Waking Up Early is such an Asset

It’s not a surprise to learn that waking up early is such an asset as we have more time to do more things than say sleep. Not that sleep isn’t important as we definitely need sleep to properly function because we could be waking up early but felt tired because of the lack of sleep and proper rest. Anyhow, getting up early and getting enough, quality sleep are two activities that enhanced one another, meaning if one goes well the other would also follow along or if one is insufficient, the other would be also.

Frankly, I didn’t get enough of sleep last night and I am operating on a 4 hours of sleep today, which I am not a big fan of doing. I’ve heard that Teddy Roosevelt and perhaps other famous people felt adequate enough with only a few hours of sleep and they are good to function. However, many research have supported the importance of getting approximately at least 8 hours of sleep of most of us with the exception of the elderly.

In my opinion, how much each individual need to rest can also be entirely up to them, but quality of sleep also needs to be emphasized as long hours of rest doesn’t mean that it is a well, rested one.

It is recommended that we go to bed early to also get up early as a habit.

Now that I’ve been getting up early today, I’ve noticed I was able to get more things done and more time to do things I necessarily would considered doing. I was also able to get a study spot that would normally be filled during the day, but since I was early I didn’t have any problem finding empty spaces. I was able to talk to my friends via SnapChat and iMessenger because I have the time that would normally be running on hectic schedule of the day.

It is a blessing to wake up early and start of my day earlier as well. As far as my plan goes, I had wish to continue this operation, however, it wouldn’t be achieve successfully in the long run without having to go to bed early as well.


Beside the realization of doing something such as getting up early today. I also realized how important and refreshing it is to do something out of my day-to-day schedule. Basically, to do something I wouldn’t normally do or even thought of doing. It is like adding new experiences to my life, which makes me think that I should strive to diversify my life by adding new experiences to my day-to-day basis.

If I haven’t gotten to wake up early and start my day early as well today, I wouldn’t have learn this thought or having a realization on the importance of diversify my life.


So for the past 3 months, my WordPress has been one of the most important outlet to pour my emotions and thoughts regarding an events that brought my frustration, sadness, and simply being lost in something I’ve once had, but wasn’t meant to have forever. This is definitely the first post that I was able to talk about something else beside those feelings and stories. Which I am glad I’ve reached this point of finally being able to write something beside them. It is a blessing that God has given me this happiness in writing. It is wonderful, amazing, and beyond words could profane. But I am glad I have this joy writing as something I find … in (beyond words could describe).


Looking back, every “bad” times will always faded or cleared. A lot of the clearing has been done by God who has always been faithful to me. His love truly has no beginning or an end. It is limitless and incomprehensible. If I have Him, I have everything I ever need. I am learning and still will be learning about events that happened in my life and I wonder what God has intended for me to take away as lessons. And whether I will continue to be stubborn and be strong in my conviction, believe, and values that I have.


I was listening one of the Christians’ radio last night that Christianity is a process of failing and getting back up again and again by the grace and mercy of God. And I really liked that because that certainly describe what it means to be a Christian to me. I am glad I’ve the way in which strongly conveyed to me the meaning of the word that I often time didn’t like to proclaim b/c of the associate stigma or meaning. But now I am able to say that I am a Christian and also be able to explain what Christianity means to me.


Beside all of the positives that are written above. The negatives that I feared of stepping or thinking back into was that events that I was battling within the last 3 months. I didn’t want to get into the thought and to be stuck it in. I think I have the ending to my story that I didn’t want a continuation of, until I’m comfortable enough to revisit to when no feelings were associated.

There are numerous possible factors, situations, feelings, and scenarios to the story, but in the end, it simply narrow down to one big factors when I decide to be with someone. Do they love the Lord and is pursuing Him. Is a person also a Christian? And if the answers are no then it is wise to day and to be forward with that the relationship will not goes beyond anything because faith and the love of God is (I know) the most important factors of my life and without this shared value and believe system, I am setting my self up for difficulties and possibly failures, unless God have certain plan for me. But as of now I learned that God’s word are not meant to be compromised.


 

Trust in God

I am really tempted to text my ex as I was learning about biochemistry and this instances reminded me of when he used to quizzed me about these scientific knowledge. I missed it so much, it is this aching feeling of really missing someone as if I were to see him, I would literally throw a big hug I could possibly could on him that is how much I missed him right now at this moment. I miss him to the point where I could cry, it is this longing feeling for someone I honestly had never had. Perhaps I have felt it with my family, but no one bedside my family did I had this strong feeling for missing for.

Even though I miss him so much. Feelings are not fact. I will not interfere with God’s plan . I am not going to be tempted by mere feelings that comes and goes after breakup. God is what I need and I trust in his plan for me, to protect me and give the best thing for me. Even though I have this strong feelings for someone, still I chose God before him. I chose God’s will for me. And I will not interfere with his plan. I will continue to trust in God even though it is really hard at the moment because I know that faith is my ultimate decision. It is my choice that I choose God and not to sin. He has given me life, hope, and dreams. I trust what He promised me. I will not rely on my feelings or decisions, but only His and His alone. Gods is my ultimate everything. He is my Abba.

Dear Jesus,

You have died on the crossed to give me new life. A life free of chains, grudges, resentment, and sins. You have lifted me up with your love, kindness, and goodness. I will continue to trust in your power that I cannot compete, not even close. I know you’re bigger and more powerful than anything I could ever hope for. You are my ultimate maker, creator, and pursuer. You are all that I need and my trust is in you. Jesus, I chose you and all the glory goes to you. May you use me to be your vessel in bringing others to you, Lord. May you reveal my hidden sins that I still have to me, for me to recognize them and to want to change– to be more like you. You are unchangeable, indestructible, and your love covers me. May I continue to grow more and more into you, my Lord that no matter what comes my way that you are with me always. I choose you and always will. May I choose you still even when I am being tempted from sins. May I listen to the Holy Spirit and may the Holy Spirit rescued me from the sins I was tempted to commit. May I live my life for your glory alone. May everything in my life centered around you, Lord. May I love, have compassion towards other, Lord. Please teach me to forgive, love, and be kind to others. I prayed that I would understand humility and humbleness. I prayed that I would out other before myself. I prayed that I would learn to be selfless each and everyday. I prayed that I would learn about pride. I prayed that I understand more about pride and humbleness.

I prayed that my relationship with my family–especially my sister, my dad, and my mom would be a result of how I have begin growing with you that they would see the fruit of the sprit. For these are the people closest to me. I prayed, Lord that I will learn to love them more and more and more.

I prayed that Chad would get to experience the love you gave rescued me from sins and giving me a life that has you. I prayed that Chad would come to you. I prayed that I will learn to forgive him and to love him. I pray that I would be able to let go of the resentment and grudges I felt towards him. That I would released them and forgive just as you have forgive me for my sins.

Teach me to trust and have faith in you more and more, oh God even when things seem unfair, uncalled for, and deadly that I would learn to continually trust in you.

God Never Fails

You have no idea that I was disappointed when I found out that I had missed a chemistry lab final that I had a 94 in the class, but since I had missed the lab final and if I couldn’t take it then I would end up with a C in the class, which is not a failing grade, however, since I had an A (before the final), it would be disappointed because I tried to get good grade in the lab.

With the hope to improve the situation, I went to the professor’s office, however, she wasn’t there at the time, so I simply waited on her at a chemistry tutoring room next door to her office. It wasn’t long until I saw her in the hallway. She seemed to be in a rush, which I didn’t knew at the time I approached her that she was on her way to the bathroom before I stopped her to discuss my situation. She quickly told me to email her with my student ID and my chemistry lab section number in order for her to open to lab final for me to complete. However, she also told me that whatever I’lll make on the lab final will be 50% off of what I get, which means that even if I scored a 100 (which is not simply to score) that I will instead get a 50. This condition is the consequence of having not taken the final on time. This made me sad and disappointed, because I had a 94 in the lab, which means that I could potentially ended up in the class with an A, however, even if I scored a 100 on the final it will scored as 50 in the grade book, which means I will get a B in the lab.

I was sad and was a tiny bit annoyed at myself for having missed the final, however, I told myself that it is okay because no matter what God got me and He has a plan. That whatever I am going through, it will work out. Even though, I messed up, but my God is greater, bigger, better, and stronger than anything I am going through. And that it will work out at the end because He is God.

So, I decided to emailed Dr. T. my ID and lab section with an added description about 3 paragraphs long of why I care and if she would be willing to help me and not take 50% off of the grade that I will make on the final.

I received her email later in the day that only said “the final has been reopen for you and that you have until 9 p.m. tonight to submit it.” I was sort of expressionless because I had hoped that she would mentioned something along the line of “I will consider.”  She told me that she had sent 2 emails, which I did opened, but did not read throughly. Notice the underlined word, “NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.42.58 PM

Anyway, I went ahead and took the final (which is online, but it is not easy) with a help of a friend I had never met, except through a group me, which is an app where students help other students with reminders, group study, reviews, etc. Dylan, a guy whom I texted to help me with the final replied saying that he could help me. I was so thankful and most of all to my God.  So, Dylan whom scored 92 himself and helped 2 other people scored an 88 was being so kind to help me.

So, after I finished taking my final with Dylan. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, saying how much I truly appreciate his help. He replied saying that he wasn’t that much of an effort, but ohh.. trust me, I am so thrilled. This made me realized that he is really kind.

After we departed, I went to have dinner with a friend, workout afterward, and my day pretty much ended.

Last night, my prayers were also for the chemistry lab grade that hopefully I could get an A, however, I also added that God knows.

Until today, as I am typing, I went on blackboard, which is a site where my grades are posted and I saw …Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.38.00 PM

I was so thrilled that a 94 had gone down 2 points to a 92, which may or may not be rounded to a 93, but it hardly matters because 90-100 is an A! I realized that Dr. T did not take off 50% of the final grade that I made! Which is a miracle that only God can performed and provided! Throughout my walk with Him, God has continuously shown himself to me in a way that I knew were from Him. God is so good and is always there for me that no matter the result, I know that He is God, who truly got me and even if I got a B in the course, I remembered thinking this to myself that even if I got a B in the lab that God has a plan, and He knows best.

This particular event reminded me of a story of Peter (if I had remembered the story correctly) when Jesus made him walked on water, but then Peter started to have doubts, which made him fallen and about to drown. At that moment, God is working with Peter, performing a miracle with Him, but Peter lost sight and started doubting God, so as a result he drowned. The story goes something along this line if I had remembered it correctly. But the point of referring to this story is a reminder to myself to trust in God, which means to realized that He knows. God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent (all knowing, always there, and all powerful). And to be humble that it is not me, but because of Him, of His grace, His wisdom, His power, and His love. 

This event happened and all I want is to praise God, to give Him the Glory for He is good, merciful, and just. I am so thankful to Him, so thankful. Praise be to God.