Heart break is not a bad thing

Sometimes, heart break may be the best thing that ever happened to you. It makes you realized so much. It makes you feel alive. Like you’re living. Through the pain, you’re living. It’s magical. It makes your eyes suddenly magnified.

Sitting and brooding will not makes things better

The truth is sitting and brooding over negative emotions done more harm and good. The easiest, most obvious cure, is to get up and do something!

Life’s worth more living. It is. Think about the positives. There is so much to look forward to.

When you go forward, you keep going. Just keep going. Just keep on pushing. Everything will be ok. It will be better. Have hope and keep your head held high. Smile at others and more importantly smile inside to yourself.

11%

“Only 11% women know this” was the caption of a video I recently watched and I honestly felt resonated with the message.

I don’t know if this is an earthly message or what, but how I see the role or a picture of a husband and a wife is an image of two strong individual standing next to each other.

I, sometimes, heard that a great woman supports her man and amplify his ability to take care of her and family.

I know that my role as a potential wife is to love, encourage, and support my husband in what ever he does. I also know that if I make him happy, he, too, will make me happy in return. It goes both way.

As a man, I look for someone who will serve me–emotionally and physically. Of course, for the all things I expected to receive, I will also give.

The marriage that I see something very beautiful. If God truly blesses the relationship then it’s going to be amazing and wonderful.

Once I learn that giving the right way is when I do so in the name and glory of God.

Everything is going to be ok. When a man doesn’t care for you, examine how you’ve care for him in your own life and if that doesn’t being reciprocated then it’s time you walk away.

All in the Head. All About Perspective.

It’s late, precisely 1:12 am in the morning. I made an instant coffee, knowing that I would need it tonight to finish my 2 of my assignments and a powerpoint presentation. I still have to also make the PPT, bibliography, as well as start practicing the presentation. I need to know what I am talking about first. I have a test on Friday that I also have to study for.

I called my friend today. I vented my problem to her. She give me advice. She basically told me that it is up to me and that we’ve been over this many times now. She basically got tired of my ****. Anyhow, my other friend, who I typically talked to, said that I basically have an emotional struggle, which I laughed because it’s not necessarily false.

I attempted to called my mom. She didn’t answered. I then called my dad, he picked-up. I cried in front of him. He tried to comfort me until he got a little frustrated at me and basically told me to be some senses. He basically told to get-up-and-get-going-on-with-my-life.

Claudia, one of my friends, asked if I am settling. I didn’t want to settle, but I am hung-up on this problem–this emotional struggle.

My heart and brain completely says to different things. My feelings want to do what its wants, which is getting back into being in a relationship. My brain and conscious and sometimes my value, dignity, and pride prevented me from doing all those things I wanted. If I can just live life. Doing whatever I want to do, what would that turn out. Live life however I want to–being free. No bondage. Would I then be happy?

I want to get back with him, why can’t I? No one supported my decision. No one. Absolutely none. I’m the only one who want to do what she wants. Aren’t I am my own protagonist in this life? In this story? Can we work things out.

He doesn’t bring any good in me. In fact, more than anything, he can make me become negative just like himself. So why do I want to be with someone like that? He has depression and is not even completely over his ex-gf. Well, why, then, would I want to be with someone like that? Is it as simple as love? Is it truly that stupid? What if this love is not even reciprocated? What if he will just toss me aside? What if he just going to dump me at the end? What if he changed his mind? What if he changed his behavior–treat me badly, abuse me, curse at me, and ignored me? If he does all that, would I still love him?

Think. Really. If it because I had that with him that’s why it is hard to get rid of?

I am wide awake. People tell me to be strong. They told me that there are better people out there for me.

Can I accept that he will not going to ever fulfill me? I am 22 years old.

If he rejected me, am I going to be ok?

Can you live without him? Yes, I can.

Enough of thinking about him.

Enough of waiting on him.

Enough of being miserable.

Enough of crying about him.

Enough of caring about him.

Enough of everything that has to do with him.

He doesn’t care about you, Cam. He doesn’t. Not nearly as you would care about him. He also doesn’t love you nearly as you love him. He doesn’t value or protect you as much as you would about him. He didn’t choose you. He just doesn’t say it. Do you really need him to tell you directly that. That he doesn’t love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Please learn to accept the truth. Stop lying to yourself. Stop dwelling in this misery hole. You need to get up already. It has been 5 months of restlessness. You’re doing this to yourself. He has moved on. You haven’t. He is gone. You stayed at the same, exact spot. It is time that you do something, please do something. Just something. Gather yourself. Stop thinking about him. Gather all your broken pieces and leave as you are.

Not Everything I Hear is True

I sometimes don’t know if the advice that people give to me are the wisest. Even though they met well, it doesn’t mean that their advice and worldview is always correct. The thinks that I see the world as if it always beautiful etc. She makes it seems like I was living in illusion. As if I was raised shielded from the danger of this world. Dangers are there, I know, but it doesn’t mean that I will look for it. Sometimes it may  e looking for me, but I have a God that is my shield and even if I messed up, He is still me redeemer. I knows she cared about us and want the best for us, but sometimes, lessons that I learned are the ones, in which, I experienced it myself. It revealed to me that I can be arrogant too. This is something that I don’t necessary want for myself. It will only going to hurt me. Being arrogant isn’t the best God wants for me. I don’t know if having a little bit is ok. I don’t know, but I want to be able to view it as objectively as I can. There will perhaps always be something wrong. Things that hurt me. Things that hurt my feelings, etc. I am honestly trying each day, trying to go through task I was assigned. I am living my life and it is a beautiful thing. I am going to continue to believe in what I do and I will see how it is going to play out. Good or bad I will find out and adjust to the outcome accordingly. I’m not even at all perfect. I don’t think I will ever be. Sure, I was perhaps raised to be a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that I will let that dictate my life. I love my parents. They loved me and wanted the best for me. I know. But it is their job to let me fly too. To let me learn things on my own. My mom supports me always. So does my dad. They’re the two biggest encourager for me. So is my sister. I am thankful for what they have given me. I came to understand many things as well. They raised me as their friends. They also let me be me. They didn’t restrict me. They let me be free. That is the best thing I could have ever asked for. Sure, I didn’t do drug or what not. Nevertheless, I know I still have many flaws. But I don’t want those flaws to be my identity, it doesn’t identify who I am. I am imperfect. Whatever, you may called it. But, that is not going to be something that I want it to define me. I can always and will always grow, messed up, learned, analyzed, then grow from it. Growing until I am dead. Until, I have no more. Until, God is taking me to hopefully his kingdom that He prepares for me.

Yeah, this is me at 22 years old with this kind of thoughts. I don’t know if this thought is right nor wrong. Or whatever, but it is the thought I have on Nov. 7th (my first ever bf birthday) that I am not going to tell him even though I still remembered. If something is toxic in my life. No matter what it is, I can and must cut it. Detoxify.

Perhaps the area of my love life hasn’t been like I wanted to be. At this point, it is not really my focus. It is just not. There is so much more thing to do, to learn, to explore. I explored this side of things a little bit now. Now, there are other things I look forward to. I am learning still. Always learning. Life is too short to be miserable. To think that it is negative or to think that it is too dangerous. It may be, but I could careless. Life doesn’t need me to keep going. It doesn’t. The sun will still rise even if I am not here. Darkness will cease even if I stoped breathing. The world keeps on moving, progressing its cycle. I am here to praise and believe in my God and all the promising He has for me. I could careless other may have said. They cannot change my perspective on life. I see it like I see it, perhaps I am blind. Perhaps it is delusional. Perhaps it is totally false, well, like I say the world could careless about me or my worldview. There is so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced. So much. So much. I am still learning. Living. At 22 years old. I have dreams and goals. I am living. I am not going to stop. Ever. Ever. I want to keep on living. Living for Christ. He builds my spirit. Living the life He has given me. He gives me brain, legs, mouth, and arms. I can do so much with what he has given to me. I forgot, also ears.

I love my family. I do. My relatives too. They’re the people I go to when I am at my lowest point in my life. I appreciate them. I will take what I find useful from them. Yet, this is my life and it is my story. I am the narrator. I am the protagonist. I run my life. God guides me. He helps me. He gives me choices. I am using what he gives me.

Thank you for calling me na ka. I appreciate your phone call. I will also make time to call you from now on–to talk to you not only when I need to talk, but because I simply wanted to talk to you. You’re important to me. Therefore, it is my responsibility to cherish these relationships. Because I don’t want regrets. I wanted to be able to say that I have loved them well and they know I love them well.

For those that I’ve crossed. Thank you. I’ve learned what I wanted in a partner. I’ve learn to say no. I’ve learn to still choose what’s best for me. I’ve grown from it. And that’s to celebrate.

Cheers to learning.

Calendar

I drew a calendar to continue crossing it off for days I didn’t talk to him. The goal is achieve a consecutive crossing. Some said it take ~21 days to form a habit. I want to make this mine. It hasn’t been the easiest task, but it is going and the overall results were better. Results are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally better.

Isn’t a shame that I still wish to do things with him. It’s not necessarily doing it with anyone, but with him, together. People might say, I’m crazy. Heck, I think I’m kind of crazy. No, not kind of. I’m crazy.

We ended our conversation with him calling me not being empathetic that it’s a trait of a sociopath. Wow, right.

All I wanted was to talk to him. I miss him. But look what it had turned into.

Perhaps I received what I had prayed for. I haven’t loved anyone outside of my family. More like, I haven’t had romantic love. I can’t say that anyone more because I do. It’s a weird phenomenon.

I have it when it’s gone. I have it when the person have tried to move on. I have it when they don’t value it. I have it when loving is hard. And it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not being reciprocated.

I continue to learn even though, it ended. I need to keep my streak. Crossing it Day-by-day. Letting it heal me one-by-one. Making me grow.

There is no doubt I wish all of these interactions with him. No doubt I wanted it to be him. At the same time, I’m going into the fire. I’m burning myself. I’m hurting myself, my soul. My spirit. It hasn’t been uplifting. It has been anguished. Deceit. Turmoil.

It better off suffering in the pain called missing than living in the unmet, frustration, and unwillingness to get along.

There is doubt I love Chad Evans. Saying/typing this hurts. This heart break still taunt me day and night. It never completely subsided or gone away. It remained a question. Empty spaces that need to be filled. It represents a different lock and key that doesn’t quite open. It represents the unwillingness to be vulnerable. To trust. It represents having to turn the other way, to begin a different direction. It’s not a bad thing and is wise. The hardest part is what makes us human. It’s the emotion. The lingering ties, attachment, hope, and dreams.

I did felt complete at some point. It had been fulfilled. Yet, I cannot deal with anger. Knowing the person has it and it’s a trait that they have to make an active choice I get rid off. I can’t make them. I either have to accept or not accept. Accept means becoming desensitized to it every time it comes at me. Deny in this case is choosing what’s better for me because it’s out there.

This writing is meant to be something I love doing. I enjoy writing a lot. It’s beautiful that I enjoyed it. It’s something I want that person to also see that it’s beautiful just like I do.

I pray that the person I will marry is someone who would love God and strive to be more like him. To love like him, to love others like him. To be a patience person, to be kind. Is not quick to temper and anger. For us to put each other first. Care for each other in good times and in bad times. To be on the same team.

People change. They do. I do. He did. We can’t work through our differences, problems. We’re a different chapter in a different book that has somehow intersect each other’s lives. Perhaps were sat next to each other, side-by-side on the same bookshelf. We’re of a different genre.

CE and I.

I will continue to love and pray for you until I have to no more. Until, I feel no more for you. Until, I’m free.

Emotions and God, please help me.

Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.