It’s not my fault

It’s not my fault that I happened to date someone who is unemotionally Unavailable, with previous relationship emotional baggage. It is not my fault that that relationship has left me pain that I am healing. It probably hurt me more than what I had intended. I need this time to fully heal. To recover, gain strength, and to feel whole on my own. It is crucial that I gain and are going through this process. As much as heartbreak is somewhat a normal part of relationship, one way or another, we lost now or later, we will eventually experience lost. Nothing last forever, even some of our memory faded or disappeared. Yet, there will be some that we won’t ever seem to forget, no matter how much we want it.

This has indeed marked, so far, the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I am not sure why it hurted so much, but it did.

I want to instead focused on the hurt and become fearful, I wanted to focus on the positive and lessons learned.

Chad, I now realized what it is like to love someone even when it hurts. I miss you. I want to let you go and time will help me. I didn’t think it was that easy for me to love, but perhaps I experienced lost that’s why I also learned to love. It hurts, I feel it. Every single drop. It has been 3 months and tears are still coming out. The emotion I seemed to let it flows. I feel. I don’t want this pain to stop me from experiencing love I may embarked in the future. You will and always will have a special place in my heart. No matter what had happened, at least I know my love for you was real. I truly wish you the best in what ever you do. I truly do. I couldn’t fully said that before, but I can now thanked and love you more. I don’t want to care, which type of love you have/had for me. But I at least know, I did love you and that’s already beyond words could describe. No matter how I have told you that I wanted to forget everything about an ex. Well, I only wanted to do that to move-on and keep-going. I know I cannot and will not want to stay stuck in the past. I don’t want to. I truly wish you the best in everything you do. Learn to be positive and be thankful and to love what you do and the opportunity you have been given. My dad told me you’re like a public transportation, you came and you go. How do I put this, it has been such an intense 3-4 months for me. Who knows such small amount of times could bombarded this much. For all the hurtful things I’ve said/texted you, I hope you would be able to forgive me. It was something I can’t take back, but what I can say is that I am imperfect and is still at the end of the day, a sinner. Chad, also sorry for accusing something about you that perhaps may not be true. Regarding, you not being able to forget your ex, etc. And also sorry for being able to understand you at times or not being as empathetic as much as I could. At the end of the day, what were the good memories are what hurts the most because I know I couldn’t get them back or have them with you. I feel more intensely than you think I did, hah. Were you surprised? Or were you already knew it was a façade. It is not a luv ya, an emoji heart, or a least than 3 with a letter U, but in fact, an I love you, Chad Ryan Evans. You sucky piece of poo. You who took my heart and break it to pieces. You who didn’t return my love. You whom God may not have intended for me to be with. You who I literally thought was the cutest person in the world. You the one who is so arrogant, narcotic that its hurts and frustrating. You who is so picky that it bugs me. You you hated avocado. You who is so quiet that is hard to predict. You who is so mean to me when you’re mad. You who teach me many things. You who made me love Chick-Fill-A. You who took me to so many expensive restaurants. You who I really still think is physically handsome. You, who I wished could have been more adventurous, manly more of a gentlemen, more gentle, patience, and less frustrated. You who had everything going on for you, but still hasn’t reach your full-potential. You, whose posture could have been a lot more handsome as he looked. I’m not lying that the more I know you and getting a better look at you, I truly thought you became more and more handsome even more than my crush, Davis. I don’t really care what you had or felt with your first love, but I am thankful for having had met you, getting to you know, see how you think, and your view on life, people. To learn about your past experiences, etc. Chad, I love you and thank you for coming into my life. I love you.

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Mindset: Unlocking Its Power

The power of the mind and our thinking is such a powerful thing. We can set our mind to create, destroy, or simply do nothing. We can use it to process, change, or hinder. Our fights are with our mind. Ego, selfishness, power, etc. Everything begins and end with our mind.

It seems to me that most of us want the goods: free schooling, healthcare, public transportations, better environment to name the fews. But want them, but how we get them is what makes our topic of discussion quite interesting. This is when the power of the mind and where we place our focus are a hurdle or paths to a better future.

I am taking one of the honors class about the City. Particularly, our focus on the class is about our city (the city I live in now and studying), but we definitely talk a lot of other cities as well. Today has so far been the day that I was truly inspired by the class lecture. One of my note wrote “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Life is this case, my professor wrote as:

Life = Healthcare

Liberty  = Opportunity —> Transportation

Pursuit of Happiness = Education

Healthcare, transportation, and education exist in America, but it could be better. Everything could be better as long as we live and exist. We thrive on evolving, on changing, adapting, on evolution. It is a no-stop process. We went from a horse buggy to a flying vehicle. We went from slavery to freedom. Yet, are we truly free. Do we truly escape our own chains and limitation that is rooted in our mind; that lives inside us. Are we free from ourselves, from our own hinder, and capped.

As human, we fear change. We are in fear of the unknown, whether that be relationship, applying for a new position, moving to a different city, studying abroad, aging, doctor’s visit, faith, etc.

We can often time live in fear that hinder us more and more to stagnation to where we just stay where we mostly feel comfortable and not wanting to embrace the unknown. As long as the enemy make us stay stagnant, it’s winning. Not doing anything can be equally as destruction. Didn’t vote doesn’t mean you’re not doing any harm. 92 millions American did not participate in voting. Wealth distribution in America is far beyond from our expectation or reality.

The point of this writing is to inspire us for CHANGE. Because regardless of any changes, we often fear that change will be worse, well, not doing anything, in fact, is equally destructive. Change = unknown result to the change. But if we don’t change then we don’t know and if we don’t know it is stagnation and stagnation = destruction.

To change is to overcoming our fear–it is to liberate.


It is a little disturbing to having been involved with someone who seem (in my opinion) stuck in negative mindset. It is like anything they’ve experience seem to be bringing them misfortune, misery, complaints, or struggles, when in fact, it doesn’t have to be that way. And what seems to be weirder is that I see that they can get out of it; that they can change. They, themselves, may not necessarily see it at the moment. I don’t when or how they will emerged from that things in their live that constantly made them struggle. All I can do is to learn from them, pray for them, and be there fore them when God allows me to–when opportunity arises. Is it a burden to be there for them, in a sense, the answer is yes and no. No, meaning I like to help, but the extend of my help is not only up to me. A lot of the heavy lifting have to and only will come from them to want to change and ask God to help changing it. Yes, it can be a burden, in which my emotion has worry is potentially involved. But what I can control is to not let myself be too emotionally involved, not in a selfish way, but to always help him without expect anything in return. To help him with a light heart. To help him as one human-being who see their potential and as someone who wishes them well. To view of it in this way is be pure in my intention. To let go and forgive. It is to be patience and to have humility. To love and not expecting any in return. To love unconditionally.

If only. Even though, I am certainly not in his life no longer. And it sometimes could be bring me a little pain to be around the person. This is where a little conflict arises. At the same time going back to self can be the answer as well as listening to God. He knows my heart, soul, mind, weakness, and strength. Right now, all I could do is heal and it is a beautiful process. Heal to where He knows I am equipped and protected. Right now what I can do is to pray, perhaps checking on him from time to time if need be. But I’ve also got to perhaps make sure that I would only check on him when I am in a good place to help. Because I don’t think I can be of the best help when I am also battling my own battle. It only makes sense of me to put on the oxygen mask first then extend it to those around me.


Nevertheless, trusting in God has processing me into a direction and mindset that He intended. The weight and struggle begins to subside, the cloud lifted, and sunshine peaked-in. There is no greater love than thee.

Why Waking Up Early is such an Asset

It’s not a surprise to learn that waking up early is such an asset as we have more time to do more things than say sleep. Not that sleep isn’t important as we definitely need sleep to properly function because we could be waking up early but felt tired because of the lack of sleep and proper rest. Anyhow, getting up early and getting enough, quality sleep are two activities that enhanced one another, meaning if one goes well the other would also follow along or if one is insufficient, the other would be also.

Frankly, I didn’t get enough of sleep last night and I am operating on a 4 hours of sleep today, which I am not a big fan of doing. I’ve heard that Teddy Roosevelt and perhaps other famous people felt adequate enough with only a few hours of sleep and they are good to function. However, many research have supported the importance of getting approximately at least 8 hours of sleep of most of us with the exception of the elderly.

In my opinion, how much each individual need to rest can also be entirely up to them, but quality of sleep also needs to be emphasized as long hours of rest doesn’t mean that it is a well, rested one.

It is recommended that we go to bed early to also get up early as a habit.

Now that I’ve been getting up early today, I’ve noticed I was able to get more things done and more time to do things I necessarily would considered doing. I was also able to get a study spot that would normally be filled during the day, but since I was early I didn’t have any problem finding empty spaces. I was able to talk to my friends via SnapChat and iMessenger because I have the time that would normally be running on hectic schedule of the day.

It is a blessing to wake up early and start of my day earlier as well. As far as my plan goes, I had wish to continue this operation, however, it wouldn’t be achieve successfully in the long run without having to go to bed early as well.


Beside the realization of doing something such as getting up early today. I also realized how important and refreshing it is to do something out of my day-to-day schedule. Basically, to do something I wouldn’t normally do or even thought of doing. It is like adding new experiences to my life, which makes me think that I should strive to diversify my life by adding new experiences to my day-to-day basis.

If I haven’t gotten to wake up early and start my day early as well today, I wouldn’t have learn this thought or having a realization on the importance of diversify my life.


So for the past 3 months, my WordPress has been one of the most important outlet to pour my emotions and thoughts regarding an events that brought my frustration, sadness, and simply being lost in something I’ve once had, but wasn’t meant to have forever. This is definitely the first post that I was able to talk about something else beside those feelings and stories. Which I am glad I’ve reached this point of finally being able to write something beside them. It is a blessing that God has given me this happiness in writing. It is wonderful, amazing, and beyond words could profane. But I am glad I have this joy writing as something I find … in (beyond words could describe).


Looking back, every “bad” times will always faded or cleared. A lot of the clearing has been done by God who has always been faithful to me. His love truly has no beginning or an end. It is limitless and incomprehensible. If I have Him, I have everything I ever need. I am learning and still will be learning about events that happened in my life and I wonder what God has intended for me to take away as lessons. And whether I will continue to be stubborn and be strong in my conviction, believe, and values that I have.


I was listening one of the Christians’ radio last night that Christianity is a process of failing and getting back up again and again by the grace and mercy of God. And I really liked that because that certainly describe what it means to be a Christian to me. I am glad I’ve the way in which strongly conveyed to me the meaning of the word that I often time didn’t like to proclaim b/c of the associate stigma or meaning. But now I am able to say that I am a Christian and also be able to explain what Christianity means to me.


Beside all of the positives that are written above. The negatives that I feared of stepping or thinking back into was that events that I was battling within the last 3 months. I didn’t want to get into the thought and to be stuck it in. I think I have the ending to my story that I didn’t want a continuation of, until I’m comfortable enough to revisit to when no feelings were associated.

There are numerous possible factors, situations, feelings, and scenarios to the story, but in the end, it simply narrow down to one big factors when I decide to be with someone. Do they love the Lord and is pursuing Him. Is a person also a Christian? And if the answers are no then it is wise to day and to be forward with that the relationship will not goes beyond anything because faith and the love of God is (I know) the most important factors of my life and without this shared value and believe system, I am setting my self up for difficulties and possibly failures, unless God have certain plan for me. But as of now I learned that God’s word are not meant to be compromised.


 

It has been awhile

It has been awhile, since I visited WordPress to express my thoughts and running emotions. I came here as a place to let loose and pour in my fears, happiness, sadness, and sometimes frustrations. All the emotions make realized that I am alive– living and experiencing the beauty of it all.

It has always been difficult for me to express my emotions, which I rarely do so, not even with the people closest to my life. Instead, I pour them in here. It is simply between me and a computer screen– hearing myself type on the keyboard, hitting back space and the period to end sentences. It has always been hard for me to even let loose and tell people how I feel. Now, I have noticed that I’ve been doing it more. It is still scary how I am letting random people, people whom I recently met know so much more about me. I don’t know if they truly know me though.

You know, I don’t have a lot of crunches, I have one here and there. I remembered my last crush was during high school. Of course, I didn’t do anything, because I not sure how to when in reality, I think you can simply talk to the person. Hahaha, it is easier say than done, absolutely. I hate admitting it, but it is true that I recently having a crush on a guy at my church. He is cute. He has the cutest smile. He is clean and dress really nice. He’s totally my type. I noticed him the first time in physics lab. He was cute and his sense of style was great. I like what I saw, but it is not like I am going to do anything. It is that feeling when you love a dress, you look at it behind a glass wall and you simply admired and walked passed it. It was pleasing and super gorgeous, and I can only thinking to myself, it must be super expensive and it doesn’t seem like it might fit, so I just sort forgot and moved-on. Not until, one day I met him again during our way to physics lecture, when I noticed, “Oh man, do you go to Redeemer?” I asked him because he was wearing a Redeemer shirt, which is a church that I recently been to and liked. We had a quick conversation and I found out he led a GC group. He was friendly and the next time we saw each other at physics lab that he added me to his GC Group Me. He also added on Facebook later in the week, which I was ecstatic when he did because I messaged him and said “Thank you so much for adding on facebook, how do you feel about the test?!” Oh boy, did I get a response back. I never did. He read the message, but nothing. I was like, ok, this is clear. He is NOT interested. oh, well, move-on, far gone. Well, we met again recently at church and that’s when I went to say “hi” to him. He gave me a hug like typical, I didn’t think anything too much of it. He is simply a nice person. But, boy, the week after at church, he would be within my eye site, and I can’t help it again, but said “Hi.” He invited me to his GC and of course I didn’t go because I don’t know anyone there and I don’t know if I would be uncomfortable, plus I just don’t chase after guys, it is way out of my comfort zone and it isn’t something I naturally do. In addition, his GC night falls during one of my SI for anatomy, which is an extra tutoring class I like going to because it help be do better in the class. Regardless, even if I were to make it to his GC, oh boy, I don’t even know how I would act. I act kind da funny when it comes to someone I sort ta like and I like to avoid them as well.

I just have to let this off my chest because may be he is talking to a girl he really likes or even better is he has a girlfriend. Oh man, what a story, right.

I think I am just going to either give it a try or not do anything. he has the outward appearance that I like. But am I just basing out of simply that. Beside the appearance, he should be godly as well and is someone who is interested in developing his relationship with God. Talking about that, instead of wondering about a guy, I should be focusing more on growing my relationship with God because he knows everything.

I think God knows the right time and he works the miracle. I truly think that he has the one for me. I am not going to worry, but do my best to live in a way that has God included in every inch of my walk, talk, and actions. I need to keep in mind that good things comes to those who waits. Meanwhile, a relationship with God is utterly important. Perhaps another reason for me to feel sort of bad about is that I am not going to a GC because I like a guy that is simply a bad reason to go. I want to go to a GC because I want to hear what God has to inform me. I absolutely think that I need to be diligent in my relationship with God because he loves and truly delivers the best present.

I think I am going to wrapped up tonight and realized that having crushes is not a bad thing, but that I must not get to deep into it and having the story written in my head than actually experiencing it. I either need to do something or just move-on, which more than 90% of the time, I just moved-on– I can easily do without a doubt. I don’t think I will see him next Sunday either, because one of my friend who I typically go to church with is going to the earlier service, so I might not see him and it will be okay. I didn’t talk to him today (Sunday) because he has so many guys he was talking to. I think having a crush feels burdensome and I didn’t like it, I think I should move-on soon if I am not planning on making a move. I either have to go to his GC or that’s it. I would be more comfortable with just going to a coffee shop and talk, but would I ask him out like that? Highly unlikely.

Anyway I am going to end this tonight and yeah. Goodnight, sleep tight, but as I always added “but not too tight.”

P.s. another one of my fear is that I am being too shallow, because I do like his smile and overall look and of course I value his Godliness, but I don’t want to be superficial because there is other guys at church who is godly too, but they are simply not as attractive as my crush. I don’t want to be shallow in my way and that scares me because if I base of on that then I don’t think that is a good idea because it is not going to be meaningful.

Why I suck at not doing things at the last minute

I had to wait to the last minute to complete a task. There is definitely a better idea than doing such. Perhaps, somehow I will be a able to trick my brain to start and complete a task well while not having to wait to do it at the last minute. I guess is to just do it. The not so simple task can in fact be perform simply-easily. Stop prolonging the task, stop letting something come in between the intention. DO IT.

Ummm

Today is a Friday, opps never mind, it is a Saturday instead; a family week at my college where parents just seems to be flooded everywhere. It is nice to witness family time, but honestly, I wish I get to see mine as well, but again, there is a part of me that think it is okay and I can simply unto Thanksgiving to see them. uhhhh…

This week, I am determine to accomplish tasks I’ve set my mind to, finish MOST of my school works and get in-touch with my potential jobs at the lab. LET’S DO IT!

Yahhhhh..

You got this, do it, do it, do it.

Anyway, writing has been therapeutic. It is a pathway for me to release, especially when I live alone.

There is this guy is sort of like. But, I think he might be too young for me. There is also another guy I haven’t met, who is older, for sure, like 5 years older. Anyway, it is kind of fun. I, no the other hand, is by any means love stuff like this, the getting-to-know phrase. Being a introvert that I am, I don’t know if anyone will able to know me really. But again, I have goals and dreams that I want to pour my focus into, if someone were to come into my life, they must be worth it. If I see their effort and if I see their passion, I will also pour mine, in the right way. Does this sounds selfish, well, it can be, but I am looking for someone who will stick around, dependable, caring, and serious, so…I can wait. I am not in rush.

After a Relationship

I am feeling somewhat alone and wanted someone to go out and eat with today. I can text some of my friends, but it seems to me that there is this one person I had like to share my time with.

Before, my getting in a relationship, I was doing thing by myself just fine. I had go to Chipotle and order a veggie bowl and bring it back to eat at my dorm just fine. Which this convinced me that I can do it now just fine as well. I had like to text some of my guy friends, however, I don’t want to give a wrong impression of me liking them because I don’t and am only looking to be friend.