Not Everything I Hear is True

I sometimes don’t know if the advice that people give to me are the wisest. Even though they met well, it doesn’t mean that their advice and worldview is always correct. The thinks that I see the world as if it always beautiful etc. She makes it seems like I was living in illusion. As if I was raised shielded from the danger of this world. Dangers are there, I know, but it doesn’t mean that I will look for it. Sometimes it may  e looking for me, but I have a God that is my shield and even if I messed up, He is still me redeemer. I knows she cared about us and want the best for us, but sometimes, lessons that I learned are the ones, in which, I experienced it myself. It revealed to me that I can be arrogant too. This is something that I don’t necessary want for myself. It will only going to hurt me. Being arrogant isn’t the best God wants for me. I don’t know if having a little bit is ok. I don’t know, but I want to be able to view it as objectively as I can. There will perhaps always be something wrong. Things that hurt me. Things that hurt my feelings, etc. I am honestly trying each day, trying to go through task I was assigned. I am living my life and it is a beautiful thing. I am going to continue to believe in what I do and I will see how it is going to play out. Good or bad I will find out and adjust to the outcome accordingly. I’m not even at all perfect. I don’t think I will ever be. Sure, I was perhaps raised to be a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that I will let that dictate my life. I love my parents. They loved me and wanted the best for me. I know. But it is their job to let me fly too. To let me learn things on my own. My mom supports me always. So does my dad. They’re the two biggest encourager for me. So is my sister. I am thankful for what they have given me. I came to understand many things as well. They raised me as their friends. They also let me be me. They didn’t restrict me. They let me be free. That is the best thing I could have ever asked for. Sure, I didn’t do drug or what not. Nevertheless, I know I still have many flaws. But I don’t want those flaws to be my identity, it doesn’t identify who I am. I am imperfect. Whatever, you may called it. But, that is not going to be something that I want it to define me. I can always and will always grow, messed up, learned, analyzed, then grow from it. Growing until I am dead. Until, I have no more. Until, God is taking me to hopefully his kingdom that He prepares for me.

Yeah, this is me at 22 years old with this kind of thoughts. I don’t know if this thought is right nor wrong. Or whatever, but it is the thought I have on Nov. 7th (my first ever bf birthday) that I am not going to tell him even though I still remembered. If something is toxic in my life. No matter what it is, I can and must cut it. Detoxify.

Perhaps the area of my love life hasn’t been like I wanted to be. At this point, it is not really my focus. It is just not. There is so much more thing to do, to learn, to explore. I explored this side of things a little bit now. Now, there are other things I look forward to. I am learning still. Always learning. Life is too short to be miserable. To think that it is negative or to think that it is too dangerous. It may be, but I could careless. Life doesn’t need me to keep going. It doesn’t. The sun will still rise even if I am not here. Darkness will cease even if I stoped breathing. The world keeps on moving, progressing its cycle. I am here to praise and believe in my God and all the promising He has for me. I could careless other may have said. They cannot change my perspective on life. I see it like I see it, perhaps I am blind. Perhaps it is delusional. Perhaps it is totally false, well, like I say the world could careless about me or my worldview. There is so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced. So much. So much. I am still learning. Living. At 22 years old. I have dreams and goals. I am living. I am not going to stop. Ever. Ever. I want to keep on living. Living for Christ. He builds my spirit. Living the life He has given me. He gives me brain, legs, mouth, and arms. I can do so much with what he has given to me. I forgot, also ears.

I love my family. I do. My relatives too. They’re the people I go to when I am at my lowest point in my life. I appreciate them. I will take what I find useful from them. Yet, this is my life and it is my story. I am the narrator. I am the protagonist. I run my life. God guides me. He helps me. He gives me choices. I am using what he gives me.

Thank you for calling me na ka. I appreciate your phone call. I will also make time to call you from now on–to talk to you not only when I need to talk, but because I simply wanted to talk to you. You’re important to me. Therefore, it is my responsibility to cherish these relationships. Because I don’t want regrets. I wanted to be able to say that I have loved them well and they know I love them well.

For those that I’ve crossed. Thank you. I’ve learned what I wanted in a partner. I’ve learn to say no. I’ve learn to still choose what’s best for me. I’ve grown from it. And that’s to celebrate.

Cheers to learning.

Another day

Life keeps going. Never did I know that it can sometimes feel complicated. Nevertheless, perhaps what we do shows what we make it to be. What mark are leaving in this world. Probably not so much. But being happy is a good thing.

When things do not aligned with how we want. Relationship ended. Misunderstanding occurred. Deadline approaching. How do we relax, zoom out, and get back up. That’s the question.

Things may never ever be the same. It won’t. Then how do we keep going with the changes. Changes are good.

Relationship is one thing in life I know I need to grow. I absolutely love to be loved. I love love. But when it gets frustrated or painful is when it is painful.

At least I know I loved something, but we’re going into a different direction. It is the path that is no longer there. No matter how much I want to retract it. It is disappearing. It is gone. There will be another path for me to take.

There is no doubt that I can love. I realized that I can. I learn to choose what is best for me. I know what I can live and not live with. I learned to make a decision to stop. I learn that some people are better of not having in my life. I learn that it’s ok to miss them. It’s very much so ok. But at the same token. Regrets will teach me. Regrets are the things I hope to be able to not repeat and improve.

Calendar

I drew a calendar to continue crossing it off for days I didn’t talk to him. The goal is achieve a consecutive crossing. Some said it take ~21 days to form a habit. I want to make this mine. It hasn’t been the easiest task, but it is going and the overall results were better. Results are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally better.

Isn’t a shame that I still wish to do things with him. It’s not necessarily doing it with anyone, but with him, together. People might say, I’m crazy. Heck, I think I’m kind of crazy. No, not kind of. I’m crazy.

We ended our conversation with him calling me not being empathetic that it’s a trait of a sociopath. Wow, right.

All I wanted was to talk to him. I miss him. But look what it had turned into.

Perhaps I received what I had prayed for. I haven’t loved anyone outside of my family. More like, I haven’t had romantic love. I can’t say that anyone more because I do. It’s a weird phenomenon.

I have it when it’s gone. I have it when the person have tried to move on. I have it when they don’t value it. I have it when loving is hard. And it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not being reciprocated.

I continue to learn even though, it ended. I need to keep my streak. Crossing it Day-by-day. Letting it heal me one-by-one. Making me grow.

There is no doubt I wish all of these interactions with him. No doubt I wanted it to be him. At the same time, I’m going into the fire. I’m burning myself. I’m hurting myself, my soul. My spirit. It hasn’t been uplifting. It has been anguished. Deceit. Turmoil.

It better off suffering in the pain called missing than living in the unmet, frustration, and unwillingness to get along.

There is doubt I love Chad Evans. Saying/typing this hurts. This heart break still taunt me day and night. It never completely subsided or gone away. It remained a question. Empty spaces that need to be filled. It represents a different lock and key that doesn’t quite open. It represents the unwillingness to be vulnerable. To trust. It represents having to turn the other way, to begin a different direction. It’s not a bad thing and is wise. The hardest part is what makes us human. It’s the emotion. The lingering ties, attachment, hope, and dreams.

I did felt complete at some point. It had been fulfilled. Yet, I cannot deal with anger. Knowing the person has it and it’s a trait that they have to make an active choice I get rid off. I can’t make them. I either have to accept or not accept. Accept means becoming desensitized to it every time it comes at me. Deny in this case is choosing what’s better for me because it’s out there.

This writing is meant to be something I love doing. I enjoy writing a lot. It’s beautiful that I enjoyed it. It’s something I want that person to also see that it’s beautiful just like I do.

I pray that the person I will marry is someone who would love God and strive to be more like him. To love like him, to love others like him. To be a patience person, to be kind. Is not quick to temper and anger. For us to put each other first. Care for each other in good times and in bad times. To be on the same team.

People change. They do. I do. He did. We can’t work through our differences, problems. We’re a different chapter in a different book that has somehow intersect each other’s lives. Perhaps were sat next to each other, side-by-side on the same bookshelf. We’re of a different genre.

CE and I.

I will continue to love and pray for you until I have to no more. Until, I feel no more for you. Until, I’m free.

Emotions and God, please help me.

Interesting part

The interesting part is that incompatibility is still something that isn’t cleared cut with me. I may not be the most important that he will not go out to do many things. Yet, there are times in which I still wanted to hang out/ talk to him. It’s very weird.

I don’t know if this is simply something I am used to or I just miss the guy again. It seems like. And I don’t want to settle. The question is should I simply do what I want to do to just ask to hangout or should I choose what is in the long run even though I may not know for sure.

This is the dilemma of the story. I want to hangout with him. For some reason.

He is not the type of person that I might end up with. That’s the sad truth of it all. I do love him. Maybe to some extent. I don’t know if it’s the symptom of missing being with someone or I am missing him.

Right now I didn’t want to hang out with anybody. It only seems to be just with him. I didn’t initiate to hangout or anything. So, I think I’m just going to simply try very hard to ignore him. To ignore this temporary feeling. Why would I keep going back when the last time it was a roller coaster. Did you not learn anything.

Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.

CE

C.E. was the initial of the guy I came to like and hold on to. A guy whom I don’t know the possibilities. A guy who is unknown. A guy who I need to study for a long time. A guy who I will be patience with. A guy who I will learn to have self-control with. I guy who has consumed my thought more than it should. A guy who I really like. I guy who I love and who brought me pain. A guy who I thought is physically handsome. A guy who I will simply need to learn more. A guy who takes time. A guy who I can’t rush. A guy whom I am not sure. A guy that seems a little bit risky. A guy who I might be willing to learn.

He caught my eyes the moment I saw him. A little may be. I don’t remembered it exactly. But I was going to talk to him regardless because we worked together.

A guy who can be considerate at times at his own will. A guy who I really like. Perhaps a guy who I should give him space. A little space.

Self-control. Self-control. Self-control. Have it.

Church

Well today, I went to church with Chad and Schuyler. Both should get along because who doesn’t get along with Schuyler Holland. I mean this guy is literally so friendly, kind, and genuine. Also very funny. He’s very punny as well. Then there is Chad. Umm, yup there is Chad.

Chad deserves his own paragraph because Chad just like Schuyler and me, I mean we’re all individual people, but yeah Chad is different. Perhaps, for now, he is. He is someone I grow to like. Someone I came to perhaps love. Someone who also brought me pain. Someone I don’t know where he is at. I’m sort of trying let go maybe. Sort of taking a step back with my troops. He is busy with his work. I get it. I will be busy too, but I can always find time for him because he has become someone I will make time for. I don’t know if he feels the same way now that I starting to like him. I scared of being hurt. You know what I am just going to go for it. I am going to do what I want to love and care for him even if it might be disappointed. I will bring him my grandma’s medicine for mosquitoes bite. Because I thought of it.

Anyhow someone (Emerson) once told me to not be afraid. I told me that I’m afraid of being disappointed in love. You know what I am not going to be scare of it anymore. I will do what I want. I will overcome this fear of rejection. Even if he rejected me well, then I learned so much, so so much. So so much more than being rejected. God is protecting me, watching over me. He has something for me. Perhaps he wanted me to learn to love. I don’t care anymore if what I did will got me rejected, because then so let it be it. Let me get rejected, let’s test it. Now I have a hypothesis that I am going to be rejected well, let’s test the hypothesis.

I also don’t know if I will be able to like Chad for a long time. That’s the question. Another test experiment. Will I still love him? With his personality. Am I merely just attracted to his look. I wasn’t in the beginning. I mean a little bit, not a lot. But I grew to like him. I found him more and more attractive. His hard shell. His hard demeanor. Not wanting to hold my hands sometimes. Etc.

Oh well, let just says it’s hard to predict him. I never knew his intention. I might be over thinking it, but I just quite don’t understand it at times. Anyhow I’m going to be patience and wait. I’m going to guard my heart, but still give. I have to ask myself why am I doing this. Perhaps I want my love to be returned. I want his heart. I want him to love me. Is this right? So I’m doing it to get my love return? What if it’s not well then I’ll know that I’ve given my all, it’s just simply not being return and I think I can live with that knowing that I’ve done my best.

What if we’re not meant to be together. What if the past has shown itself. Well, the past want my best. It wasn’t my best. Therefore, doubt is still there. So this time, I will actually tried, it’s just a few thing of my day to do.

I’ve not really done that. But I can. Because I love the person.

Dear Lord, please protect and give me self-control. Please allow me to not be loose in my way and to guard my body and heart. I asked you to help not to settle and not be blindsided by simply his looks. That I truly see through him and see if he’s in fact is or is not the guy for me. I asked that you give me patience, kindness, and love for everyone. I asked that you help me with my choices and decisions. I asked that I will not be fool that you would give me freedom. I asked that you help keep my heart strong.

I asked that you will make me grow. Thank you Jesus for giving friends and families. I prayed that I’ll learn to focus most on the things above for that is where I will be. That I will prepare myself, for the things of the above.

thank you, Jesus for everything. Please help me focus my priorities and to be content, Lord. In your name. Amen.