When you seem to be able to give advices

When you seem to be able to give other people the proper advice or the advice that you think is best, but the one who you should be giving it to the most is, to yourself.

The paragraph above, truly resonates with me. It’s something I’m telling myself to understand and fully believe.

I met Crystal in a chemistry lab, she was my assigned lab partner for the semester. We worked well together because both of us cared about having good experimental results. Often time, when we waited for the experiment to do its magics (reactions), we would use that time to talk about life. I don’t share about my personal life voluntarily. It’s not something I often do. But Crystal didn’t mind, she was having a relationship problem, so she vent it out to me.

She said that she didn’t [sometimes] feel loved by her boyfriend, which I can certainly relate. As I went through something similar and it was good I went through it.
It was the one of the best things that ever happened to me for good. The experience twisted and turned my stomach. It has a quenching pain. It was just good.

I ended the relationship, only to later realized that I want it back, but I couldn’t quit pinpoint exactly why I wanted it when it wasn’t the best for me.

I told her to love herself more and value herself and to not let a guy turned her life upside down in a rollercoaster. Because he can’t. She (me) shouldn’t let him or anyone ever.

Even though, I told her the best advice I could think of, I am also speaking those advice to myself. God put me in this situation where I was giving advice to her, but in fact, I was giving advice to myself. He used her to tell me the things he wanted me to know more fully. I know them in my head, but I don’t listen to it. And that’s the problem.

I love him (an ex) and I would maybe give my world to him. But I can’t give my world to him because I don’t know if I can give the world to myself.

I missed him dearly and knowing that and focusing on the feelings is not the best thing I’m doing to myself right now. I’m going through something absolutely preventable. As magical as this sound, this symptoms could be cured. I am optimistic that it could be cured with a snap of a finger, to wake up.

It can’t be as clear as it could be. It’s as clear as the night and day. I need to be able to believe it. I do. I always ended up disappointing myself in relationship. It’s like I expect a lot out of it. I have my ideal everything planned out. They’re just not on board. They can’t ever be if it’s not from God.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to be still. There hasn’t been days that I didn’t think about it. I want to snap out of it and to be happy. I can’t afford to live a life like this. A sad, regretful, and longing life.

Life shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t be this complicated. It should be better, fun, and more meaningful.

“Let’s be friend.” Never has I ever heard it saying to me. Checked.

There is not anything I can do anymore, except to pray.

Jesus, I know you’re there. I know you do. Please help me believe and feel that you do. That you have great plan. You do. Lord. You do. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, Lord. When I chose what I want instead of what I’ve been taught by you to live. I messed up, my Lord. I did. Big time. More than I could’ve ever thought I would ended up in. All the things I tried to build, clashes, broken–into pieces. I feel horrible, Lord. I sinned. I’m broken and I am in need of you. To rescue me. I am broken and completely broke. Into pieces. I lacked values, principles I hold on to. Lord, I don’t have time for anything or anyone anymore. Not even for my friends, sister, or family. I’m down in this hole all alone by myself. I am not as happy as I should be. I let a guy turned me upside down and pinned me down to a rollercoaster ride. I let him do it. I let it happened to me. I allowed him to. It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t. We’re not for each other from the very start. From the very beginning. We weren’t. It. I have hard time believing in so, even though my head said no, my heart rejected. The heart wants what it wants. My head trying to tell me otherwise. In reality, everything is all in my head.

Lord, I did wrong, Lord. I did. I am sorry I disappointed you, again and again. I messed up. And I don’t want to ever repeat this mistake again. It costed me. It’s costly. I am ashamed and guilty of what I did. I am sorry, Jesus. I am. Please forgive me. Forgive me this ugly sin.

Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.

CE

C.E. was the initial of the guy I came to like and hold on to. A guy whom I don’t know the possibilities. A guy who is unknown. A guy who I need to study for a long time. A guy who I will be patience with. A guy who I will learn to have self-control with. I guy who has consumed my thought more than it should. A guy who I really like. I guy who I love and who brought me pain. A guy who I thought is physically handsome. A guy who I will simply need to learn more. A guy who takes time. A guy who I can’t rush. A guy whom I am not sure. A guy that seems a little bit risky. A guy who I might be willing to learn.

He caught my eyes the moment I saw him. A little may be. I don’t remembered it exactly. But I was going to talk to him regardless because we worked together.

A guy who can be considerate at times at his own will. A guy who I really like. Perhaps a guy who I should give him space. A little space.

Self-control. Self-control. Self-control. Have it.

Church

Well today, I went to church with Chad and Schuyler. Both should get along because who doesn’t get along with Schuyler Holland. I mean this guy is literally so friendly, kind, and genuine. Also very funny. He’s very punny as well. Then there is Chad. Umm, yup there is Chad.

Chad deserves his own paragraph because Chad just like Schuyler and me, I mean we’re all individual people, but yeah Chad is different. Perhaps, for now, he is. He is someone I grow to like. Someone I came to perhaps love. Someone who also brought me pain. Someone I don’t know where he is at. I’m sort of trying let go maybe. Sort of taking a step back with my troops. He is busy with his work. I get it. I will be busy too, but I can always find time for him because he has become someone I will make time for. I don’t know if he feels the same way now that I starting to like him. I scared of being hurt. You know what I am just going to go for it. I am going to do what I want to love and care for him even if it might be disappointed. I will bring him my grandma’s medicine for mosquitoes bite. Because I thought of it.

Anyhow someone (Emerson) once told me to not be afraid. I told me that I’m afraid of being disappointed in love. You know what I am not going to be scare of it anymore. I will do what I want. I will overcome this fear of rejection. Even if he rejected me well, then I learned so much, so so much. So so much more than being rejected. God is protecting me, watching over me. He has something for me. Perhaps he wanted me to learn to love. I don’t care anymore if what I did will got me rejected, because then so let it be it. Let me get rejected, let’s test it. Now I have a hypothesis that I am going to be rejected well, let’s test the hypothesis.

I also don’t know if I will be able to like Chad for a long time. That’s the question. Another test experiment. Will I still love him? With his personality. Am I merely just attracted to his look. I wasn’t in the beginning. I mean a little bit, not a lot. But I grew to like him. I found him more and more attractive. His hard shell. His hard demeanor. Not wanting to hold my hands sometimes. Etc.

Oh well, let just says it’s hard to predict him. I never knew his intention. I might be over thinking it, but I just quite don’t understand it at times. Anyhow I’m going to be patience and wait. I’m going to guard my heart, but still give. I have to ask myself why am I doing this. Perhaps I want my love to be returned. I want his heart. I want him to love me. Is this right? So I’m doing it to get my love return? What if it’s not well then I’ll know that I’ve given my all, it’s just simply not being return and I think I can live with that knowing that I’ve done my best.

What if we’re not meant to be together. What if the past has shown itself. Well, the past want my best. It wasn’t my best. Therefore, doubt is still there. So this time, I will actually tried, it’s just a few thing of my day to do.

I’ve not really done that. But I can. Because I love the person.

Dear Lord, please protect and give me self-control. Please allow me to not be loose in my way and to guard my body and heart. I asked you to help not to settle and not be blindsided by simply his looks. That I truly see through him and see if he’s in fact is or is not the guy for me. I asked that you give me patience, kindness, and love for everyone. I asked that you help me with my choices and decisions. I asked that I will not be fool that you would give me freedom. I asked that you help keep my heart strong.

I asked that you will make me grow. Thank you Jesus for giving friends and families. I prayed that I’ll learn to focus most on the things above for that is where I will be. That I will prepare myself, for the things of the above.

thank you, Jesus for everything. Please help me focus my priorities and to be content, Lord. In your name. Amen.

Saturday

I had just realized how long it has been since I starting to blog again. It has indeed been awhile. Last night, I locked myself out because I left the keys to my apartment at the restaurant where I worked until 11 last night. I put the keys in the cabinet at job when I first arrived, left it there and forgot to grab it when my work finished. I sat for almost an hour waiting for my roommate to get back to her apartment. The thing is that I didn’t have her number to begin with. What I did was that I called my friend and I ended up spending the night at there place. It was fun. It was late, but it was a good experience–knowing that having a friend is a blessing. I am grateful to God for bringing good people in my life and for my grandma’s prayer because she also prayed for me to meet good people. I am not quite sure of how I acquired this. The last time I noticed that my throat hurts was last Thursday while I was eating omelet and oat meal. Suddenly, I throat began hurting and has not stopped since. I am a little concerned as I rarely got sick. It has been 8 years and I haven’t been majorly sick from flu, cold, strep throat, etc. I hoping that my immune system is taking its action for my throat to get better and feel better.

Today, is TTU first home game. There are lots of people gathering, not as much as I have seen at BU yet. I wanted to make it to the football game one day, but with people who love  and competitive about football. My friends would go just to go, but they don’t care too much about football. When I go, I really do watch and pay attention to the game. I need to go with someone who I can cheered with. I should get some rest now, so that my immune system can work its magical healing power.

I forgot to mention that today at 11, I went to help out at the TTU community garden–it was fun and a good way to get some sunlight, which has vitamin D.  I got some beans, tomatoes, and basil leaves. It was great. The fruits and vegetable at the community garden taste so much better than the store bought. It was magical seeing all the insects, compose, gar beds, and many grown plants. It was truly amazing. Anyway I met new people named Kristen and Jorden. They were nice.  I also met Emmanuel who is also known as the Composer because he was in charged for the compose pile. I am so glad to be part of the community garden. It was truly beautiful.

Anyway, I have to be at work by 5 pm today and honestly, I genuinely rest and relax. This job pays me, but then it is also can be tiring. I am considered quitting because I need some rest from school and the weekends are the times I will get some rest. It will be hard to tell my boss that I am quitting because he was a great boss–kind, understanding, and generous. He is also a really great cook. He would make me delicious meals and make it according to my diet because he knows that I am a pescatarian.

For some weird reason, my throat feels a little better. I forgot to inform that I might be getting a job at TTU in the microbiology lab, which I am down to work for. I will even get pay to do the work. I am excited. This job is also a reason why I might considered not working at the restaurant anymore. I like working there because I get to meet people, be nice to them, and eat delicious meals. But, I would love to work at the lab even more because I will get to learn laboratory skills, which I craved! I am going to work this week and tell Eric soon about my quitting at the restaurant. It will be so hard for me to do.

Another thing I wanted to tell is that it has been 4 months going to the five since I broke up with my first encounter with a boy-relationship–a getting to know phrase and I still think about him. I am so selfish in a sense that I wanted to be his friend, but nothing more. I just wanted to hangout. But then again, this is only my wish. Anyway, I don’t know if I want to forget him. I am sure I won’t forget him because he was my first sort of romantic relationship. Anyway, he is another reason why I restrain myself from eating at my favorite place on campus :/ Ugh, why does it have to be this way. Ugh. If we’re good friend then I think it won’t be as uncomfortable. Whatever. I need to just be better. I am going to rest now.

Lessons Learned About a Relationship

One thing, I learned after a break up is to be absolutely sure (in the future) that I am certain, 100%, wanted to be in a relationship with the person and that there is no”luke warm” feelings or thought such as I like him, but… or sure, why not.. sort of thought when considering dating someone.

The Lord taught me as well that the person who read and follow God’s word, has similar values that come from God, is more likely to treat the girl/guy they are dating in a manner that God directs and desires. For me, I had like to be friend with a person before I want to be in a relationship with him because friendship last longer and getting to know the person as a friend first is important.

I also learned to wait for the physical contact until wayyy later in the relationship. Instead spend time talking to the person and getting to know him/her. Of course, this should come naturally because you have an interest in the person. The conversation shouldn’t feel force, but flows naturally when talking to someone you like to know more. The conversation should feel enjoyable and the longer the relationship, the different topic of conversations should will “pop up,” allowing you to see different sides of the person, getting to know more of who they are. As long as you want to be around the person and wanted to know about him/her then that is a good indication that you like someone. Think about the subject you like to learn, you tend to do well in it, so anything you like, you tend to be good at, because you enjoy doing and doesn’t feel like a chore. If you can talk to the person and that person is your best friend, then the relationship should be stronger. The main focus for a relationship is the communication, small, big, deep talk, any sort of talk, honesty talk, the list goes on. The physical side of a relationship may not be as important as the communication in the beginning of a relationship. However, you may ask, how will I know if I have chemistry with the person? The answer to this question is that you’ll just feel it. You will sometimes feel like hugging or kissing the person, but from my experience (however this is totally up to you) waiting for this physical side of thing is better and should be determine wayyyyyy later I the relationship. And by wayyyyy later has no particular timeline, you will know when you feel ready and that your relationship feel solid and you feel like you learn so much about the person and that you’re both truly ready for the next step. Also, treat physical intimacy (that is not sex because sex is a gift from God and should be waited until marriage) with cautious because the Lord mention about purity and lust in the Bible. It will be alarming when both parties feel the void in the relationship with physical contact because the communication isn’t as strong. The physical intimacy will arrive when both want to validate that our communication is strong. If I have to set a timeline, and if I were to date someone in the future, I would spend as much time talking to the person in public, with a group of friends, etc. I wouldn’t bring him to talk at my place. I would meet him in public where it is easier to talk more and to get to know the person. There are so many locations to talk: the park, a coffee shop, literally could be anywhere. Also, do different activity together to find out more about him/her such as go on a hike, play bowling, watch movie at a movie theater, volunteer/community service etc.

I also, will not control and be pushy about the relationship, I would not expect or rush anything, but simply spend time and getting to know the person. I would absolutely not expect because if I were to expect something and my expectations weren’t met then I set myself up for disappointments. I simply will evaluate the person according who he is and I will be mindful that the beginning phrase of a relationship is the trickiest part. The beginning of a relationship is the impress-the-person phrase, what’s valuable and weights more is the later part of the relationship when the beginning phrase has passed. Caring for someone and him/her caring for you in a relationship in a later term should indicate how the person will treat you if he/she were to marry you in the future.

Another advice I learned is that the relationship itself will not be able to full-fill me in the way that only my Creator can. If both parties love God and seek Him, it is a better indication that both parties will love each other more purely because both love God.

Now that I am typing about relationship and dating, I knew that right now I don’t think I had like to date anyone anytime soon, because I had like to work and be happy (be closer to God and seek his fulfillment) and another is that being in a relationship requires maturity, selflessness, and commitment. It is work that shouldn’t feel like work when you truly enjoy the person.

The reason why I ended my first 3 months relationship is because I am simply not ready to be in a relationship. This relationship tired and worries me more than had helped me academically and mentally. I simply know that this relationship is not right for me in a sense that I am not secure about the relationship. In another word, my first relationship is not solid and requires work and attention from both parties. It is also important that a relationship I am in be a God-centered one, a relationship that will help me grow closer to the Lord, not farther away. A relationship should make you be a better person, introduce you to new things, feel fun, exciting, caring, and nurturing. A relationship should not bring you down, makes you worry about nonsense and makes you feel crazy. A healthy relationship should makes you healthier.

If I can sum up the advice I give to you and especially to myself about dating is 1. to date someone when I am absolutely, 100% want to date the person, 2. do not force a person to do anything, 3. wait for physical intimacy, 4. get to know the person as a friend first, 5. evaluate the relationship whether it makes me feel closer to God, and 6. do I like the person, wanting to know more about him, therefore, date him.

 

To be honest…

I am not sure what I want, I think I know what I want, but then, there are times when my interest switches. I think I wanted to be a doctor, it has pretty much been this career. Maybe my dad place this idea on me as a young child and it has been on my mind ever since. Or maybe I do truly wanted to be a doctor even before he suggested to me. I don’t know.

You know what kind of life I had the idea of wanting to live? A life simply doing what I want, why can’t I just do that then if I lose interest in that one particular thing, then most likely there is something else I wanted to pursue. I hardly met anybody with 2 or 3 jobs. A doctor, but also an architect and an artitst. A doctor and an entrepreneur, who own a business like a little shop. Okay, these type of people do exist, of course. It seems like once you are a doctor, that is most likely your one and only job.

Being an architect has been a dream of mine, since little. I like to build and create thing with my own hand. I thought I wanted to be a surgeon, a general surgeon. One because of the stability—I suppose, the salary, reputation, respect, and credential. The helping aspect also attracts me, a job or I had say career with purpose of healing. It seems like a job that is very much so hands on, which I like.

Now back to being an architecture thing, the job seems really cool as well, building, making model, artistic, but it seems as if there is not a high demand in the market, which I should be smart about…?

I recently dated a guy, but I kept having this thought of lowering our status to being good friend. We first met at a tutoring center, then we met again on the same day at our school movie theater. Then we met again later twice in a different SI session, which is a peer-led classes for physics. I don’t think I like him as my boyfriend. I like him more of a friend and maybe when we started talking, I am just or perhaps may appear to be quite friendly or flirty? So this may gave him the impression of me liking him. I don’t think I like him that way.

Now this made me questioned whether I can actually like someone like that, lol. I don’t know. My friend, Khahn told me that once you find someone you truly like, you will know. I am not sure how that work, honestly. How can you just know with a blink of an eye? I pretty sure now than ever that I wanted to be just friend with him and I think I am going to tell him once he got back from spring break. Seriously, he included many things about the future with me. He talked about traveling, taking pictures together, etc. He is sweet and genuine; a good human-being.

Honestly, I don’t think he like me like that either, but since we’re each other first girlfriend and boyfriend for about 2 weeks that is why both of us may seem to be curious of how this will turn or how this dating thing really works. At this point, if he were to find another girl (beside me) I would be happy for him since he is a nice person. I honestly know that I wanted a friend more than boyfriend and I will let him know that.

Back to life, I don’t know if it is okay. I am sure it is— to live life doing what I love and then switches when I am bore or find something else more interested in doing. I want to live like that. Pick something I want to do, then once I get there, realize that it is not truly what I want then switch to do something else. There is no rule to living. Who set a right or wrong way to live, simply do what you want, yeah? Just do what bring happiness. Can I live like that? Drop out of college to pursue art school or whatever it may be. Live life, have God as my Rock, and do what I pleases that of course align with God’s plan and to rely on His help.

Live life doing what you love and if you find something else you like more then do that. No boundary.

Which is why being kid was fun, we live doing what we love, but we sort of lose that trying to do the thing that fit the standard that isn’t truly our own. Why do we have to lose the fun as an adult, why. We can still do the things that we love, whatever we want that is good that bring us happiness. I am not talking about go to party and being wasted or steal, but good thing that bring us true happiness. Because, really once the party is over, getting that headache, or being caught, the fun in that did not lasted, it quickly ran out—they don’t bring us true happiness.

God wanted to tell me these things. I think I can live life however as long as I have and continue to trust Him. He knows everything.

Now, though, what is it that I want to do? Write a book, learn metal jewelry art, get an A in all my classes? These are my lists so far. Go to the park, sit at a coffee shop doing homework, call my parents, shower, do number 2, wash the dishes, travel, shadow a doctor and sometimes a nurse, a dentist, live life, live life, live life, doing what you love, pursue your dream, living it, making it real, put in the work, be happy doing it.