I couldn’t believe I am feeling this way

I am not sure why, I am feeling this way. I don’t know it is me or her. Well, right now I only will understand my feelings. I have confessed that since I left home after I came to visit my family for the Thanksgiving break, I missed them so much. When I finally arrived back to my apartment and I felt the emptiness of the place and there was no family, not my sister or my dad. I was upset and even more upset now as I am typing, so I finally moved on quickly, didn’t know how I did it, but I simply moved on and didn’t think much about them.

Since, Thanksgiving day, I didn’t really called them either. I didn’t remember trying to call them as much. I knew that my dad would try to FaceTime me, but I didn’t take the call seriously and I didn’t even try to call back. My sister also tried to call me, but I also simply ignored. I think I am starting to taste the medicine.

To be honest, I have always been not good at keeping in touch with anyone. I simply don’t and I think it’s rooted in my selfishness or whatever they may be.

I think, this is God trying to teach me something. I think he’s trying to teach me to care for others. I know that I am selfish, but I also realized that I am very selfish.

Now, I am starting to feel sort of neglected by my sister whom I have not been thinking much of. I am starting to realized that she did missed me, but I right now I think I am sort of unintentionally pushing her away, pushing my family away and not considered. All those FaceTime called that I missed and did not attempted to call back. I must tell them and addressed it to them, because it is uncaring and selfish. I am not sure how to feel right now. I honesty am don’t know.  I feel awful, and wronged against them.

I have not been good with any of them, uncaringly. I simply do my own thing and did not pay much attention to them.

I think I must try now. I cannot expected a plant to grow beautifully on their own. I must also do the work, such as watering, giving it nutrients, pruning it, loving it, and caring for it.

Jesus please helps me as I will not be able to achieve this on my own. I am selfish, prideful, and uncaring or inconsiderate of others. Please help me see the thing that I have been blind to, please help me open my eyes O, God.

Jesus, I asked of you to help me strengthen my relationship with my family and relatives through your power and love. Please show me how to love them and be selfless when I am with them, O God.

Jesus, please help me, please help me.

Have you ever went out running at 11 p.m.?

I had. Today, my very first sort of out of the blue moved. My Big (a sister at sorority) and I went out to grab for an ice-cream at 9 p.m. She initiated the meeting and asked if an ice-cream shop would be okay. Well, she probably forgot that I don’t eat dairy, but I didn’t want to be difficult about not wanting to eat ice-cream, because I can, but just do not choose to eat. I reasoned that putting other people wishes above mine is a good thing to do and eating an ice-cream and enjoying her company is okay to have once in awhile. I, sometimes, eat a piece of cake, which has dairy in it and I was fine, so I reasoned that a cup of ice-cream wouldn’t be all that bad and she was being kind to ask to hang-out tonight. So, I said, “Yes! I wouldn’t mind at all!”

Well, at the ice-cream shop, we had a pretty good conversation. It was mostly her talking because I enjoyed listening. Anyway, she told me interesting story about her and her boyfriend. That’s was cool. My Big is a really nice girl.

After the meeting ended, I drove home, turned on the K-LOVE (a Christian radio station) and listened to Christian and some Christmas musics. It was so great!

I came back to my dorm, sat, looked over my phone, and started to realized that I felt sluggish, tight, and kind of fat. I know, you might think that I must be crazy! How could a bowl of ice-cream that I didn’t even finish made me feel fat. Well, it sort of did. I felt tight as if my stomach was in shocked and couldn’t digest the ice-cream well. I felt weird inside my stomach and felt like wanting it to come out.

After feeling sort of ill, I decided to go for a run, so I can burn off the calories and potentially feel better. So I did, and went out for a jog. It was 41 degree Fahrenheit outside. I wore enough layers that I didn’t feel as cold, but my hand and face were naked, without any fabric covering them, so it was chilly there, but other than that I simply kept jogging, which I hadn’t done it in a long time~

I ran while listened to my Beats headphone at the same time, but I soon realized how unwilling it was to run against the cold wind. I ran for a good 4 minutes, then stop, remembered thinking to myself how hard it was. My throat started hurting as I continued running against the cold wind. I thought to myself, this isn’t as easy, which I sort of had anticipated. I ran once again, and then stopped, then ran and stoped. I did this running and stopping for about three times, because my throat was hurting. After that I saw a white university truck, which I had this movie running though my mind about being kidnapped, so I ran away from the truck. After that I started seeing the light, so I thought that I will run to that light ahead, make a U-turn and then back to my dorm. So, I decided to simply run toward the night light on the side walk. I was determined, but then I started to see the white university truck again and it was parked next to my night light, so I thought, what even! I quickly turned around and head the opposite direction. Forget about the light, I am heading back to my dorm this time.

So I quickly ran, which by now my body had already gotten the rhythm of me trying to exercise, so I was okay and just kept on running without having to stop because of my throat. I ran and ran, until I started to detect a car light behind me, which was a Lexus that passed me, so I was relieved. I then detected another vehicle light, this time it was the white truck, so I just ran. When I saw it moving in an opposite direction from me, so I was feeling okay.

I finally made it back to my dorm and I started to realized that I did not have my key to open my dorm, so I was worried once again.

I made a call to the CA and someone picked up. When he met me, I knew that he wasn’t that happy because I might could as well be woken him up in the middle of the night form a sweet dream because it was 12 in the morning.

Anyway, I made it back into my dorm, took a shower, and now am writing a blog about the kind of crazy story that just happened and I need to go to sleep now. Adios.

What’s Mindfulness and Ego?

I just had a talked with a, about to be resigned, professor who if he were not to retire, would have been my professor to intro to computer science class, next semester. However, he told me that his wife is ill, therefore, he needs to spend this time together and potentially travel to Spain with their two daughters. He was a person whom told me about this term “mindfulness.” It is a term I have heard of before, but did not put in much thought to it. He also mentioned the word, “ego.”

Professor Benitez Noe has all grey hair, not that much wriggle, and a great smile and teeth. If I had to guessed his age, he might be well around, about 65-68 years of age, taking into context that he would still be teaching. He got his doctorate at the University of Purdue, a pretty well known university and the Purdue.owl website, is the website, in which, I used to do a better citation.

Anyway, I don’t know what the Bible tells me about these terms, mindfulness and ego. If I searched, it would be interested to see these terms in the Bible.

Now, that Dr. Benitez mentioned the term, ego, I am starting to question myself that I might have had experienced this term before. I simply didn’t know that it has a term in itself. I wonder if ego and pride correlates. I, for sure, knew that pride is something I have experienced with and still am praying about it. I know that Jesus has been working within me about pride because I had been feeling really good recently and meeting people is not wrenchingly uncomfortable.

This is certainly interesting to me. Perhaps, one of the reason why I didn’t get an A in genetics was part due to myself, referring to my ego. I didn’t put in my best work for this class and I should have waited to take this class later in the year. I approached it incorrectly when my background in biology isn’t quite solid, rather my studying skills isn’t quite solid either.

Anyway, I learn something today and should might as well be celebrated for and talking to Dr. Benitez was certainly interesting. He seems wise.

From now, I will continue to hold on to Jesus and ask for his direction. I will still be praying about my sins and trusting in Him to work on those. This is certainly a fascinating day, having conversation with people and learning about their experience is treasure.

I love and thank you, Jesus for this opportunity. I learned about the words ego and mindfulness was intriguing. I will look into them more. Is it in God’s plan for me to look into this?

What do you do when you couldn’t fallen asleep after an hour has passed by…

To finish the title…. is to write a blog. I have had an unhealthy, irregular bedtime routine. I simply do not go to bed on time and when I decided on going, I simply could not fall asleep right away in the manner that I was used to in the past. It was absolutely not enjoyable and frustrating.

In my last previous blog, I posted about my final exam and today was actually my last day of final, which means that my winter break is now off to an interesting start.

I was sort of dreading about the genetics test for sometimes, but I prayed about my worries and realizing that I am in God’s hand. I shouldn’t be too worry because he sees more than I do. If I were meant to head on in the direction that I am aiming towards then if he sees that it’s good then he will supports me.

I also realized that getting an A is not everything. I certainly feel good maintaining it, but even if I don’t then I shouldn’t stressed over it because getting an A shouldn’t be where I seek contentment. I must learned to be okay with not having an A and instead shifting my focus away from getting an A to doing my best and trying to enjoy the subject. I realized that focusing on getting an A created pressure and dis-contentment of the learning process and if I enjoy what I do, the job will be more willing than being force.

One thing from college is to learn about the “subjects” (school work, etc.), but also self. I learn from some of the mistakes that rooted in the mindset, therefore produces action leading to the consequence.

I have to say that I couldn’t have thought about this on my own, but from Jesus. He gave me wisdom and understanding that I couldn’t possibly found with my own conclusion. On my own, I would have dreaded about not getting an A in a class and potentially pouring negative thoughts to myself, saying that it was my own fault in not trying enough or studying enough.

This battle or learning experience taught me about mindset. If I were to begin a task with a better intention, an intention that ROCKS then the product regardless of the outcome should not be too disappointing because I, at least, started of with a good mindset and work from it without any thinking ahead or expectations.

So, I ate at a Thai restaurant today and I think my system has been in shocked because my stomach found it hard to digest the food. I am sort of getting weird feeling about it, causing me to conclude that I probably will not be going back there. I don’t know. I have been against putting hot food in a Styrofoam container as I believe (without having done the research myself, but simply heard that it is actually produce unseen chemical that the body shouldn’t be getting) that it is bad for the body.

Anyway, I really do hope I can fall asleep now. My body feels tire, but my mind will not stop thinking. It keeps on going. I really need to have a better discipline and it should starts with going to bed and getting up on time even on the weekends, even when it is least expected. This should be the routine that need to be put to practice. A daily routine that needs more attention and seriousness really do needs to be done. As my daddy always told me, and the Bible says to honor your parents, to go to sleep between 9 pm-2 am, I should honor his request or should I say multiple warnings.

Today, I met my friend, Shan, we went to eat at the Thai restaurant together and as she was dropping me back to my dorm, I asked her would she drive back home for six hours and her answer was yes, she would when she was at my age, but now, her body has changed. She told me that she can detected the difference in how she is feeling now versus five years ago, when she was 20. I was surprise by her statement because I thought that people probably feel older when they are in their 30s, but Shan will be 25!

Shan’s comment left me wondering about aging and how it is important to take care of the body and spirit, which going to bed at 4 certainly is not doing its favor as it needs restoration. I probably am getting wriggles that my mom is spending money on creams and moisturizers to make them disappear while my dad uses simply coconut oil. I have to say probably not directly to my mom, but I think my dad’s coconut oil seems to work better than her expensive Lancome or Estee Lauder products. The skin at his age is simply great! My dad looks 40 something when he’s in his late 50s.

I should now, do my body some favor and try to once again fall asleep, because I’m tire and feeling sorry for my body as it truly needs rest and a better habit from its owner.

 

Boi, it’s coming almost to the end..of the 1st semester in college

3 days counting from today will marked the end of my first semester of my sophomore year in college. Boiiii. Wow. It’s bitter sweet. The sweet part is that will be able to start the next semester new and fresh. The bitter part is the uncertainly of the grade I will be making for classes this semester. I have to say that the performance is certainly not my best, but failure will truly be a failure if they aren’t learned. Ummm, I don’t know if this saying is true, or does it simply meant to make me feel a little better about the disappointment, to make a negative experience seems a little positive. Oh well, it works, at least I can think positively and improve…h-o-p-e-f-u-l-l-y. Anyway, I have been making a 4.0 since the beginning of college, and I am a tiny bit worry (I try not to worry as God has a plan for me and tomorrow has the worry in itself and I should not be focusing on the now as much as I do for the eternal) because I still have a chance to make an A in genetics if I score an A on this final, which if the “what ifs…” stuff kept creeping into my thought then I probably won’t be doing as well. Ugh. Just do your best and don’t add the worries because it is not helping that much. Just try your best. Try your best. Anyway, this genetics class, I enjoy more of it now than in the beginning of the class, for sure. It was a doable sort of class for me to make an A in, since the beginning. What was holding me back then was absolutely very little except ME. It was doable, I know I can make an A in this class. Not that genetics isn’t difficult, it certainly can be, if I didn’t study. I was a sloth back then, not alert and wasn’t serious on my studying and understanding the material enough. Anyway, it wasn’t like AP physics (in high school) where I didn’t really understand, genetics is something I can see myself understanding, making sense of it, and seeing the relevant. Boiii, is the expression I can say to myself now. Boiii, why didn’t you do it, sort of expression.

In reality, I still have a chance of making an A in genetics and in general chemistry. I’m writing this post on Sunday night at around 10:30 p.m. I will take a stats final tomorrow (Monday), gen chem on Tuesday, and genetics on Wednesday, and after that is the “Winter Break Begins,” dashing through the snow~

It will be dashing through the ditch, if I were to have the self doubt moment that in the back of my head and sort of unconsciously, not willing to try and do my best then, I might be for real, may not like how I end this semester.

This is such a MIND Game, it is also how I make the decision, THINK, and ACT upon.

Let’s do the best that you can and we’ll see how it’s going to be finished. I hope to hear a good news. Help me, Lord.