My mind is running at 25 miles per hour

I’m laying my bed typing my 25 mile per hour thought. This is call being anxious. Maybe. But also drunken by the smell of the bacon sous egg bites from a 5-hour work day. It is crazy. I was fast but I was just anxious. It was so busy that my mind feels weird resting. I couldn’t really breath for hours. There were so much stimuli happening within that short period of peaks. It’s like your blood sugar spikes so so high that when it clashes, you don’t know what to do—in shock. 85 just felt like walking in the moon (because I’ve felt nothing like it). There were so so much going on that I had an epiphany of heart attack. One quick pain and then gone at 23. So many craziness that makes me want to scream or throw it all up. I feel overwhelmed. I hold myself in. The bacon Gouda in my system. I could’ve turn into bacon. However, fried. I’m listening to musics. They did some to distract my 25 mile-per-hour drive. Non-stop. Here we go. Ready, set, take-off. I can’t wait to land on my peacefulness. R.I.P p.s. this is not a suicide note. It just felt like it describing. An epiphany of being on the fastest elevator. The mind is a place of fascination not even compared to anything Disney.

The importance of being in the word

If I wanted to clarify the total a bit more, it would be “the necessity of reading the Bible and seeking the truth that God had in-store for everyone.” I get to witness many many times why I need to be in touch with God himself and His teachings. I failed times and times when I let myself be the center of my life instead of letting God does what he did best always. But in order for God to be God even though He is one anyway, I need to allow Him to be smoothly. He doesn’t need my approval to work my life but it’s just better with no reason to acknowledge Him and beautiful master piece for my life. God is beyond any comparison of this world. It’s beyond free money-401(k) or retirement savings. He’s unconditional with no whatsoever conflict of interest. It’s the free love with no return but I would have to have the heart to receive it too for a maximum result. I don’t like comparing God’s love, because it really is non-comparable to anything of this world. God does answer prayers that go according to His great and amazing plans. He never forsake or abandon me. I still continue to learn that times-after-times again. My journey with him have a…

Solution to the problem

I finally found the answer as to how I was behaving and thinking. Whatever I think it dictates my action. Anyhow, my aunt (as always) solves my problem because she saw it so clearly. While it took me almost 5 weeks and I still couldn’t see what was wronged. I grew up I’m a family that doesn’t order me around. No one has actually ever criticized me or tell me what to do. I always done my own thing and it wasn’t apparent until today. I finally get to see myself more clearly

All-or-Nothing

It seems like I started training for a company as a host starting July 20th and a week after that on Saturday, I started training for another company as well. I dint not expected to have conflicts. I obviously did not foresee events that deviated from my expectation. Obviously, I underestimate my second job. I work early in the morning, which are earlier than most people. Anyhow, I can honestly say that I really want to work at a certain station at my second job. I also learned that I need a very defined work task as I am more inflexible than not having to do things in a whims. And a lot of this discontentment also contributed to being new for the job as well. If I was not as new, I would know everything that I needed to know and not overthinking as much about what I should or should not do. I am a hard worker, but I do want to feel like I am doing a good job and that I was at least being appreciated. I want a job that I don’t hate. I want to be able to be myself, get along with coworkers, and BOSSES. Also, a job that makes me grow. Well, more importantly, a job that I feels they put my skills that I have to good used but at the same time develop what could be improved. So far I cannot honestly say that I am having fun at either of my jobs (with being so new). They are jobs that I haven’t quite been excited about. Maybe I have problems. May be it is me being complicated and choosey on what I have to do. Anyhow, I drafted this blog when I had started working probably about 3 weeks in. Today is Aug. 30 on a Sunday. And before last week starting Monday. I had worked my courage up to discuss how I feel with my early morning job with the manager. After “the talk” things really improved and I gave all the lord to God for helping me along the way—guiding me and for never left me. He is always there. Always. Anyhow, Tuesday afternoon was when I decided to talk to my manager about how I feel everything. Since then, I’m repeating myself, but I felt like how I feel really got better. Anyhow, I hope to be a better worker. And to be honest, partly was because I was new (I still am) but I was definitely not as new as 4 weeks ago, so that was something to be rejoicing about. I was new and inexperienced with working in a fast paced, high efficiency environment. Also as working different bosses and having a head boss that I couldn’t be myself around. A boss I felt was nitpicking me and doesn’t know their tone of voice when speaking. But I confronted her and things got better. My next goal at this job is work on bar. And also trying focus and be efficient. Anyhow, I’m learning a lot. And just like “most” things, they will get better with times because things will get better if they are in the things we hope to be better and working towards that goal. I learn wha thins of a leader I want to be. I learn to improve (hopefully) my tone of voice. I learn to work hard. I learn to speak to customers. I learn more about myself not being at home and sleeping or eating or watching YouTube. And with that being say, I’m grateful, very grateful for the opportunity to grow and experience this season of life. And I tend to use the word “very” very carefully. I don’t just say “very” with just anything. It really has to really be it to be “very” something. I learn that I’m not always going to get along with everyone. But I still need to COMMUNICATE with them. I learn that I dislike people telling me what to do or not noticing that I am doing my best. I also realized that when they give me feedback, it has to come from a place of sensitivity and without frustrations. Because I can quickly feel like you’re criticizing and belittling me or nitpicking only by how they use their choice of words or the tone of voice. These that I mentioned could, and I say could, make me feel a certain way. I also learn to not take things personally, which I usually don’t if I’m being honest until it acutely get personal then I will become very unhappy. I can only hold so much until I will begin to feel frustration, and just boil water—passive aggressiveness. And I should not let myself get there, because i honestly make me uncomfortable and heavy. Not good feelings. I like to be logical but I do have emotions. I want my logic to rule most of me, because I know I need to use it when I know I usually will have emotions. I try to be logical but sometimes it backfire on me as well. I try to be emotional but in a good state and logical on a good state as well. So yea, I’m learning to balance both. And simply be pick and choose when I use the logical vs the emotional card. I need to use both to be effective and to be true to myself. Love myself, don’t neglect myself, how I feel and respect myself more. I also need to not let anyone push my around like they can do or say whatever they want to say to me so our considering what comes out of their mouths or attitudes. I’m learning to respect myself more because if not I learn that people with power over cross my boundary and quickly hurt me feelings. So I need to set myself and my tone for them to know exactly where they can and cannot crosses. I sometimes think I’m too agreeable to a fault. I need to speak up for myself when necessary without being rude or hurtful. I also learn to let other knows they they shouldn’t and shouldn’t be taking advantage of me or my kindness. I also learn to listen better (hopefully). I’m tired now, so goodnight.

This is not my story

But people are dumb. I’ve been dumb. But some people really are dumb when it comes to love. It just show even more how broken the world we live in now are honestly. Heart break seems to get the best of us and some of us are lucky to not have experienced it, so you might now understand what I am about to say. Luckily or may be not luckily I have dealt with break ups–two of them to be exact. What I learn is that the more I gave the painful the break up was and the less I gave, the less painful was the break up!

The reason why I am writing this right now is to relieve the feeling I have. I honestly have hard time listening or learning about painful experiences from someone. It frustrated me knowing that there is no quick fix and that people are fools. So I don’t know how I ended uo talking this guy but sooner than later we drove pretty deep into our life experiences and with enough time, I started to figure out that this guy is in pain and that he had recently experience a break up of 6 years and this all happened 3 months ago, so it is a pretty recent wound. I tried to talk him to feel better about what happened but like all fools, he does not listen but feel how he feels about his ex and still care about her. I cannot blame him though because his break up is very recent and it was 6 years of his life with someone. So I am trying to collect my thought and be as sympathetic as much as I can because I got a little annoyed with him, so I just stop texting, trying to help because he just didn’t get any senses. He was not able to see thing objectively, which I mean again only time will heal. That is all I could complain about him I supposed, but what a fool. I am a fool too.

running thought

it is 2:30 a.m. The best part about my day today was skating at the park. It was relaxing. I was hoping to get my mind of things that are bothering me. Skating or playing tennis serve as an escape. However, my mind if still thinking something that is bothering me. I felt tired but my mind kept running about something that I couldn’t resolved, so here I am trying to organize my feeling to figure out exactly what is bothering me about today’s experience. I am going to be honest, so I could gained some clarity.

I think what has been bothering me was the lunch I had today with a coworker I met at work. Maybe there is something that made me uncomfortable. So I like chill out and not think too much about anything. But for some reasons I didn’t feel completely myself around the person. First off, I hate waiting for people and I waited 30 minutes for him to show up. That was not fun. It was disappointing and I would hate if I do that to others. The talking was meh too, it seems too shallow for me. I like to get deeper than the surface when it comes to conversation, but the conversation was just kind of boring. I personally do not like lunch or eating related meet-up in general because I would have to eat and talk almost at the same time and it was just bad timing. Next time, I will not agree to any of the eating related get-to-know someone meeting. Period. It was too uncomfortable. Yeah, the date was honestly just boring and I feel like I didn’t get any exchange of information, in another word, I feel like I didn’t really learn much about the person, but oh well. This is just coming from my point of view. I also hated it when people think I am sweet, simply for their first impression of me. I know I am not “sweet,” and the assumption was kind of agin bothersome. I am just me. Someone who is brutally honest with the people I know and definitely not sweet. What else, yeah the meeting was just not fun and I will not be agreeing for the second meeting. It is just not my vibe and I think the reason it has been bothering me was because it didn’t went well and I need to learn not to be caught up in something that I can’t control. I’ve had about 5 meeting with different people this month, which seem like a lot, but still I didn’t feel any sort of awkwardness or uncomfortability. Also, I feel like it is only awkward if you make it so.

Another lesson I learn is to not be more than friend with people I work with. It is just uncomfortable if something went wrong. It is definitely not something pleasant and I am learning it for the second time now and it won’t be the third time around. Period. Twice is enough. So all in all, I just wanted vent that there are situations that you can’t control and it is something that already happened and there is no need to worry about. Next time, assess the situation better. If it might seem uncomfortable then don’t do it. If the pros weight less than the cons then better not to act on it even though in the moment you didn’t really see what could go wrong. I am guilty of having a double standard also, so I can’t fault him for feeling a certain way because I would definitely feel the same way if that were to happened to me. But again there was no damage being done, therefore, I would just forget about the incident. Therefore, I understand where he was coming from, but I might have handle it differently. But that still didn’t excuse the fact that the conversation was not engaging for me. Still, it is ok that all of this happened and I am not going to beat myself up for it. I need to learn not to worry about things I can’t control and that not everything will go according to my expectation. Let it go and move-on, there is really nothing to worry about. It will passed and life goes on with or without me. I have goals and dreams I need to full-fill. There are so much more to do and to live for. Don’t let one set back beat yourself up and make you worry that cause you to not fall asleep like usual. This is, again, another lesson learn and it is good. You know what you learn to like or dislike. I also need to also learn to say no sometimes and I am really bad at this. There are many times where I just cannot say no when someone ask to hangout. So I need to learn to be strong and say “no.”

The lesson learn are:

-don’t worry about something you can’t control

-learn to say NO

-if things do not go according to expectation, don’t beat yourself up

-you only make it awkward if you feel it; deception makes it reality

Ok I take it back partially that the date didn’t went well. The conversation wasn’t entirely boring, but perhaps the situation was not something I preferred. There are so many things gone wronged that just makes the meeting sucks. I take most of it back. There was just more things gone wrongs than rights and it made the entire date sucks. So, all in all I just need to calm myself down and breath. Next time, choose a low-key kind of date where you know you can handle and feel comfortable.

Dates you like

-walking in the park

-doing activities

Dates you don’t like (even though you did give it a try):

  • having to have a meal sort of date (except picnic)
  • watching a movie date

Why some doesn’t find true love

No wonder why some people are single or had relationship after relationships where led again to singleness. These are my experiences with online dating and this is just personal because obviously has everyone have different experiences. I found it to be mostly bad than good and it took a good God’s guidance to eventually get there. I found out that a “swipe right” on someone work as an ego boost to them. There are some don’t get me wrong that are looking for a genuine connection with someone, but the ones I found were plain poopy inside in. I know that I enjoy partnership with someone and I prefer a good guy that could make me trust him and not questioning his intentions. I met, again, poopy guys in the past. The fact that I feel the way I am feeling now, sort of tricker the bad experiences I had with people. Also, something about me just doesn’t want to date good guys. There are some out there that are interested and we get along well, but something about me was not and is not interested. May be I have a codependency problem I don’y know. I am already skeptical about the opposite gender I share the world with and experiencing this negative experiences again and again make it really dull. I think I am going to quite online dating for good because I bring me miserable and quick enjoyment that didn’t last. I know that I would only talk to someone with good looks, but this online experiences also taught me to still be shallow. Again I don’t think I can date anyone who I don’t find attractive. Anyhow, right now God is telling me that this is not your time, you need to wait, and that I have better plans for you. I not at all a perfect Christian, but God is perfect and He does look out for me when I about to be in real danger. I pray for a good, handsome, and tall guy God. The one that loves you just as much if not more than you. I think negatively about guys and usually if I have some hunches about someone, God gives me this intuition to decipher what is right about someone. I have this in me, I just need to use it often. There are many guys out there whose intention is pure evil and selfish. I can name a lot of them, but I won’t. Anyhow I thank God for saving me once again from a predator and false desire.

This experience also makes me realize how broken people are in this world. These people lack the love and promises that God offers to them. They are searching for a quick fix, ego booster instead of facing right in with their problems of insecurity, loneliness, and being lost.

Often time when I am with the wrong type of people, it makes me question and value myself in the process that there are something wrong with me. I started to doubt myself and lost myself when I know who I am but still less than how God knows me. I started to feel all these down, negative feeling such as I have walls up, I this I that. And guess what, the problem isn’t me, it wasn’t, but the situation I am in right now is the problem. This is how naive I am at times. I quick to see flaws in myself better than at others and their problems quickly became mine and it makes me feel trouble, bother, restless, and insecure. This is guy Christ teaches his follower to date someone with the same yoke. I learn this again and again, times after times, not to do this, yet I did not obey God’s plan. There are many evils out there and God tries to keep me way from them. Thank you, Jesus for saving me times after times from evil and temptation.

I now learn that when I don’t trust someone, there is usually a reason if not more reasons. This is a lesson learned and I did gain because of God’s grace and love. Jesus, thank you fro giving me this wisdom to learn more about myself. You are truly awesome. I prayed that my two jobs I hope I acquire works out within your plan for me and if they are not for me I will not pushed it. Guide me, oh Lord. You’re beautiful and perfect. I am not beautiful or perfect but I serve the one who does always.

This is all that I have to say today. Another lesson learned. God just kind of making obey what He commands for me to be. I seem to be tempted in this area of life, he knows I want a connection, a partnership. But he simply said, not now and not with this person or people. He truly wants the best for me in his plan. God whenever I am about to dwelt into my brokenness, you fills me in. Another lesson I have learned is to actually listen to what I am saying and often time it is not always clear. My feeling is not transparent, but God knows my trouble and short coming and will rescue me from my brokenness.

If you happen to stumble across my blog, I hope that you learn something from me. I am growing everyday. I am learning everyday. I learn to trust myself more and more. I know that I am flirty most of the time without a serious intention. I am being flirty is not what’s wrong, but I was being flirty with the wrong type of people that’s all. When it comes to someone I see as prize, I was quite reserve and quiet.

People comes and goes in life, but God stays the same. Anyhow I lost track with what I was trying to say to my reader if I even have any. I wanted them to know that God loves you and He wants the best for you in every possible question. He knows you are not perfect but it is important to put him first in your life, so all good things will come from him to you without delaying. He knows when the time is ready for you whether that be the job you dreamed of or your spouses. Remember to trust him so He will provide. Thank Him and Pray to him often. The world is broken everyday, but God isn’t. He is perfect and full of love.

Goodnight.

Actually, I forget to address why some people doesn’t find true love on online dating or just dating in general. It is because they do not have good intentions for dating to begin with, They view love selfishly and honestly quite disgusting. These people may have experienced disappointment in the past and they perhaps hold on to the resentment and further cause damaged to their body, mind, and soul. They fall into this dark hole and feed on this dark desires that are not meant to allow them to see the night of sky or light. They fallen and serving the wrong god. This is why they will never found true love because they fail to realize where true love comes from and true loves come from God and God only. It is the kind of love that gives unselfishly and unconditionally. I am not sure if I could also say the love from a parent, but I doubt our patents have flaws too thus might not make their love in the most purest form. Yet, their love is still greater than most love by human beings. True love only comes from God and He gives generously, without fail. You just have to be willing to receive and work to keep it. This is how you find true love my friend, and I am friend with myself too. Seek Him to find your true love.

What I learned

What I learned a hope to improve is the amount of time ones should learn to get over a break up. People often said the amount of time to get over a breakup varies on the couple/relationship etc. I had though that if the break up was bad or the relationship was messy then, for me at least, might take some times than a clean cut, nice break up.

I tried not to talk about it on my blog as of now. As I’m going through it and I also don’t want to jinx anything. Because so far, I thank God for the motion.

Little improvements are still progress and that is the best I could have been thankful for.

I think about it less and less as times go on. The intensity also decreases.

I’m thankful for everything. I also sorry for something.

Remember this feeling

Remember this feeling you have right now. When you are going. When you keep going. When you’re getting better, stronger. When know you’re doing better. When you’re pushing through. When you’re happy the fire is burning. When you starting to feel hopeful. When you starting to love yourself. When you’re growing. God has a plan. He always does. Things that happened to you, through it, He remains unchanged, faithful, and awesome. You’re in good hands. He loves you so so much to sent His Son to die for you on the cross, so that you can be redeemed and made known to Him. God is love. He is love and you’re loved by Him. When you’re o.k, this is more than enough. Know that things happened for a reason. It does. Trust in the process. Don’t force the outcome. And always gives thanks to God. Thank Him for the provision He has and His goodness.

If you forget, come back to this message and remind yourself times-and-times again until it’s nailed to you. Love yourself. God is love. Love yourself well in the process and don’t forget to love others too.

What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.