I’m laying my bed typing my 25 mile per hour thought. This is call being anxious. Maybe. But also drunken by the smell of the bacon sous egg bites from a 5-hour work day. It is crazy. I was fast but I was just anxious. It was so busy that my mind feels weird resting. I couldn’t really breath for hours. There were so much stimuli happening within that short period of peaks. It’s like your blood sugar spikes so so high that when it clashes, you don’t know what to do—in shock. 85 just felt like walking in the moon (because I’ve felt nothing like it). There were so so much going on that I had an epiphany of heart attack. One quick pain and then gone at 23. So many craziness that makes me want to scream or throw it all up. I feel overwhelmed. I hold myself in. The bacon Gouda in my system. I could’ve turn into bacon. However, fried. I’m listening to musics. They did some to distract my 25 mile-per-hour drive. Non-stop. Here we go. Ready, set, take-off. I can’t wait to land on my peacefulness. R.I.P p.s. this is not a suicide note. It just felt like it describing. An epiphany of being on the fastest elevator. The mind is a place of fascination not even compared to anything Disney.
If I wanted to clarify the total a bit more, it would be “the necessity of reading the Bible and seeking the truth that God had in-store for everyone.” I get to witness many many times why I need to be in touch with God himself and His teachings. I failed times and times when I let myself be the center of my life instead of letting God does what he did best always. But in order for God to be God even though He is one anyway, I need to allow Him to be smoothly. He doesn’t need my approval to work my life but it’s just better with no reason to acknowledge Him and beautiful master piece for my life. God is beyond any comparison of this world. It’s beyond free money-401(k) or retirement savings. He’s unconditional with no whatsoever conflict of interest. It’s the free love with no return but I would have to have the heart to receive it too for a maximum result. I don’t like comparing God’s love, because it really is non-comparable to anything of this world. God does answer prayers that go according to His great and amazing plans. He never forsake or abandon me. I still continue to learn that times-after-times again. My journey with him have a…
I finally found the answer as to how I was behaving and thinking. Whatever I think it dictates my action. Anyhow, my aunt (as always) solves my problem because she saw it so clearly. While it took me almost 5 weeks and I still couldn’t see what was wronged. I grew up I’m a family that doesn’t order me around. No one has actually ever criticized me or tell me what to do. I always done my own thing and it wasn’t apparent until today. I finally get to see myself more clearly
It seems like I started training for a company as a host starting July 20th and a week after that on Saturday, I started training for another company as well. I dint not expected to have conflicts. I obviously did not foresee events that deviated from my expectation. Obviously, I underestimate my second job. I work early in the morning, which are earlier than most people. Anyhow, I can honestly say that I really want to work at a certain station at my second job. I also learned that I need a very defined work task as I am more inflexible than not having to do things in a whims. And a lot of this discontentment also contributed to being new for the job as well. If I was not as new, I would know everything that I needed to know and not overthinking as much about what I should or should not do. I am a hard worker, but I do want to feel like I am doing a good job and that I was at least being appreciated. I want a job that I don’t hate. I want to be able to be myself, get along with coworkers, and BOSSES. Also, a job that makes me grow. Well, more importantly, a job that I feels they put my skills that I have to good used but at the same time develop what could be improved. So far I cannot honestly say that I am having fun at either of my jobs (with being so new). They are jobs that I haven’t quite been excited about. Maybe I have problems. May be it is me being complicated and choosey on what I have to do. Anyhow, I drafted this blog when I had started working probably about 3 weeks in. Today is Aug. 30 on a Sunday. And before last week starting Monday. I had worked my courage up to discuss how I feel with my early morning job with the manager. After “the talk” things really improved and I gave all the lord to God for helping me along the way—guiding me and for never left me. He is always there. Always. Anyhow, Tuesday afternoon was when I decided to talk to my manager about how I feel everything. Since then, I’m repeating myself, but I felt like how I feel really got better. Anyhow, I hope to be a better worker. And to be honest, partly was because I was new (I still am) but I was definitely not as new as 4 weeks ago, so that was something to be rejoicing about. I was new and inexperienced with working in a fast paced, high efficiency environment. Also as working different bosses and having a head boss that I couldn’t be myself around. A boss I felt was nitpicking me and doesn’t know their tone of voice when speaking. But I confronted her and things got better. My next goal at this job is work on bar. And also trying focus and be efficient. Anyhow, I’m learning a lot. And just like “most” things, they will get better with times because things will get better if they are in the things we hope to be better and working towards that goal. I learn wha thins of a leader I want to be. I learn to improve (hopefully) my tone of voice. I learn to work hard. I learn to speak to customers. I learn more about myself not being at home and sleeping or eating or watching YouTube. And with that being say, I’m grateful, very grateful for the opportunity to grow and experience this season of life. And I tend to use the word “very” very carefully. I don’t just say “very” with just anything. It really has to really be it to be “very” something. I learn that I’m not always going to get along with everyone. But I still need to COMMUNICATE with them. I learn that I dislike people telling me what to do or not noticing that I am doing my best. I also realized that when they give me feedback, it has to come from a place of sensitivity and without frustrations. Because I can quickly feel like you’re criticizing and belittling me or nitpicking only by how they use their choice of words or the tone of voice. These that I mentioned could, and I say could, make me feel a certain way. I also learn to not take things personally, which I usually don’t if I’m being honest until it acutely get personal then I will become very unhappy. I can only hold so much until I will begin to feel frustration, and just boil water—passive aggressiveness. And I should not let myself get there, because i honestly make me uncomfortable and heavy. Not good feelings. I like to be logical but I do have emotions. I want my logic to rule most of me, because I know I need to use it when I know I usually will have emotions. I try to be logical but sometimes it backfire on me as well. I try to be emotional but in a good state and logical on a good state as well. So yea, I’m learning to balance both. And simply be pick and choose when I use the logical vs the emotional card. I need to use both to be effective and to be true to myself. Love myself, don’t neglect myself, how I feel and respect myself more. I also need to not let anyone push my around like they can do or say whatever they want to say to me so our considering what comes out of their mouths or attitudes. I’m learning to respect myself more because if not I learn that people with power over cross my boundary and quickly hurt me feelings. So I need to set myself and my tone for them to know exactly where they can and cannot crosses. I sometimes think I’m too agreeable to a fault. I need to speak up for myself when necessary without being rude or hurtful. I also learn to let other knows they they shouldn’t and shouldn’t be taking advantage of me or my kindness. I also learn to listen better (hopefully). I’m tired now, so goodnight.