What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.

When you seem to be able to give advices

When you seem to be able to give other people the proper advice or the advice that you think is best, but the one who you should be giving it to the most is, to yourself.

The paragraph above, truly resonates with me. It’s something I’m telling myself to understand and fully believe.

I met Crystal in a chemistry lab, she was my assigned lab partner for the semester. We worked well together because both of us cared about having good experimental results. Often time, when we waited for the experiment to do its magics (reactions), we would use that time to talk about life. I don’t share about my personal life voluntarily. It’s not something I often do. But Crystal didn’t mind, she was having a relationship problem, so she vent it out to me.

She said that she didn’t [sometimes] feel loved by her boyfriend, which I can certainly relate. As I went through something similar and it was good I went through it.
It was the one of the best things that ever happened to me for good. The experience twisted and turned my stomach. It has a quenching pain. It was just good.

I ended the relationship, only to later realized that I want it back, but I couldn’t quit pinpoint exactly why I wanted it when it wasn’t the best for me.

I told her to love herself more and value herself and to not let a guy turned her life upside down in a rollercoaster. Because he can’t. She (me) shouldn’t let him or anyone ever.

Even though, I told her the best advice I could think of, I am also speaking those advice to myself. God put me in this situation where I was giving advice to her, but in fact, I was giving advice to myself. He used her to tell me the things he wanted me to know more fully. I know them in my head, but I don’t listen to it. And that’s the problem.

I love him (an ex) and I would maybe give my world to him. But I can’t give my world to him because I don’t know if I can give the world to myself.

I missed him dearly and knowing that and focusing on the feelings is not the best thing I’m doing to myself right now. I’m going through something absolutely preventable. As magical as this sound, this symptoms could be cured. I am optimistic that it could be cured with a snap of a finger, to wake up.

It can’t be as clear as it could be. It’s as clear as the night and day. I need to be able to believe it. I do. I always ended up disappointing myself in relationship. It’s like I expect a lot out of it. I have my ideal everything planned out. They’re just not on board. They can’t ever be if it’s not from God.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to be still. There hasn’t been days that I didn’t think about it. I want to snap out of it and to be happy. I can’t afford to live a life like this. A sad, regretful, and longing life.

Life shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t be this complicated. It should be better, fun, and more meaningful.

“Let’s be friend.” Never has I ever heard it saying to me. Checked.

There is not anything I can do anymore, except to pray.

Jesus, I know you’re there. I know you do. Please help me believe and feel that you do. That you have great plan. You do. Lord. You do. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, Lord. When I chose what I want instead of what I’ve been taught by you to live. I messed up, my Lord. I did. Big time. More than I could’ve ever thought I would ended up in. All the things I tried to build, clashes, broken–into pieces. I feel horrible, Lord. I sinned. I’m broken and I am in need of you. To rescue me. I am broken and completely broke. Into pieces. I lacked values, principles I hold on to. Lord, I don’t have time for anything or anyone anymore. Not even for my friends, sister, or family. I’m down in this hole all alone by myself. I am not as happy as I should be. I let a guy turned me upside down and pinned me down to a rollercoaster ride. I let him do it. I let it happened to me. I allowed him to. It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t. We’re not for each other from the very start. From the very beginning. We weren’t. It. I have hard time believing in so, even though my head said no, my heart rejected. The heart wants what it wants. My head trying to tell me otherwise. In reality, everything is all in my head.

Lord, I did wrong, Lord. I did. I am sorry I disappointed you, again and again. I messed up. And I don’t want to ever repeat this mistake again. It costed me. It’s costly. I am ashamed and guilty of what I did. I am sorry, Jesus. I am. Please forgive me. Forgive me this ugly sin.

Heart break is not a bad thing

Sometimes, heart break may be the best thing that ever happened to you. It makes you realized so much. It makes you feel alive. Like you’re living. Through the pain, you’re living. It’s magical. It makes your eyes suddenly magnified.

Sitting and brooding will not makes things better

The truth is sitting and brooding over negative emotions done more harm and good. The easiest, most obvious cure, is to get up and do something!

Life’s worth more living. It is. Think about the positives. There is so much to look forward to.

When you go forward, you keep going. Just keep going. Just keep on pushing. Everything will be ok. It will be better. Have hope and keep your head held high. Smile at others and more importantly smile inside to yourself.

All in the Head. All About Perspective.

It’s late, precisely 1:12 am in the morning. I made an instant coffee, knowing that I would need it tonight to finish my 2 of my assignments and a powerpoint presentation. I still have to also make the PPT, bibliography, as well as start practicing the presentation. I need to know what I am talking about first. I have a test on Friday that I also have to study for.

I called my friend today. I vented my problem to her. She give me advice. She basically told me that it is up to me and that we’ve been over this many times now. She basically got tired of my ****. Anyhow, my other friend, who I typically talked to, said that I basically have an emotional struggle, which I laughed because it’s not necessarily false.

I attempted to called my mom. She didn’t answered. I then called my dad, he picked-up. I cried in front of him. He tried to comfort me until he got a little frustrated at me and basically told me to be some senses. He basically told to get-up-and-get-going-on-with-my-life.

Claudia, one of my friends, asked if I am settling. I didn’t want to settle, but I am hung-up on this problem–this emotional struggle.

My heart and brain completely says to different things. My feelings want to do what its wants, which is getting back into being in a relationship. My brain and conscious and sometimes my value, dignity, and pride prevented me from doing all those things I wanted. If I can just live life. Doing whatever I want to do, what would that turn out. Live life however I want to–being free. No bondage. Would I then be happy?

I want to get back with him, why can’t I? No one supported my decision. No one. Absolutely none. I’m the only one who want to do what she wants. Aren’t I am my own protagonist in this life? In this story? Can we work things out.

He doesn’t bring any good in me. In fact, more than anything, he can make me become negative just like himself. So why do I want to be with someone like that? He has depression and is not even completely over his ex-gf. Well, why, then, would I want to be with someone like that? Is it as simple as love? Is it truly that stupid? What if this love is not even reciprocated? What if he will just toss me aside? What if he just going to dump me at the end? What if he changed his mind? What if he changed his behavior–treat me badly, abuse me, curse at me, and ignored me? If he does all that, would I still love him?

Think. Really. If it because I had that with him that’s why it is hard to get rid of?

I am wide awake. People tell me to be strong. They told me that there are better people out there for me.

Can I accept that he will not going to ever fulfill me? I am 22 years old.

If he rejected me, am I going to be ok?

Can you live without him? Yes, I can.

Enough of thinking about him.

Enough of waiting on him.

Enough of being miserable.

Enough of crying about him.

Enough of caring about him.

Enough of everything that has to do with him.

He doesn’t care about you, Cam. He doesn’t. Not nearly as you would care about him. He also doesn’t love you nearly as you love him. He doesn’t value or protect you as much as you would about him. He didn’t choose you. He just doesn’t say it. Do you really need him to tell you directly that. That he doesn’t love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Please learn to accept the truth. Stop lying to yourself. Stop dwelling in this misery hole. You need to get up already. It has been 5 months of restlessness. You’re doing this to yourself. He has moved on. You haven’t. He is gone. You stayed at the same, exact spot. It is time that you do something, please do something. Just something. Gather yourself. Stop thinking about him. Gather all your broken pieces and leave as you are.

Love is a Type of Drug

Today, I learned that people typically become addicted to drug, not fully because once they stoped taking it, they experience withdraws. But because they missed or craved the good feelings drugs produce. That’s why those who stopped taking the drugs for months or years experienced relapse because they once experience the goods these drugs made them feel. Anyhow, it hit me today after class that there was a movie called Love and Other Drugs, or something like that. And it also l hit me again that, love is, in fact, a type of drug. I didn’t crave love or attachment because I didn’t want to experience withdraws. I crave it or think about it or miss it because I remembered the good feelings I once associated with. The stronger the drug elicited, the more I craved it, the harder it was to eliminate. As human, we learned through our experiences. There are chemicals being produced when two people began to feel good about one another. As a result, when the other person is absent, we begin to crave that drug. I had never had any drug, thus far, that is as strong as him. My first drug was me trying it out and realizing that there are better drugs out there. With my second type of drug, I just could never had enough of it for some reason, like I always seemed to crave it to a point where it became unhealthy and I don’t think it was doing me any good. Of course I missed it. The drug is one call-away. Isn’t it sad. Life, honestly should be easy and simple. I want it, I go get it, sort of thing. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just have it when I craved it. I might not even like him, but I absolutely love touching him. Ok, so I like touching him. It’s scary. Why does it have to be with him then? Why not having it with somebody else. I don’t know. I need to be able to live without this drug. Oxytocin, dopamine, I don’t know what the other ones are. It smells good. I like the smell very much. What should I do? I would be lying to myself. Because I also see that we’re not for each other. Also, I would be lying if I said that I just wanted the physical closeness without the actual commitment. I didn’t just want a drug that is shorted-lived I want the ones that is good for me. The ones that make me healthier. The ones that is sustaining and forever-lasting. One thing I know for a fact is that I need emotional support from a partner and I don’t know if he could provide that for me. I do enjoy his company and what I had with him isn’t what I have had with anyone before. It’s easier to form that with someone but to really connect with them on a deeper level I don’t know if that’s as easy to find. If I could just used him for the drug without emotional attachment, as high or euphoric as that sounds, why is that any different from prostitution. I mean I don’t want to be frank about it. But thoughts sometimes take me to places. We didn’t connect on a deeper level like I had wanted. I am not going to lie that I’m scared of what he could do to me. How he still hung up on his other drug, etc. I don’t want to wait. I can’t. I don’t want to. I either could have him fully or not at all.

Now that I think about it. I’m going through a withdraw and sure I am craving the goods despite the bad. The bad outweighs the good sometimes in my case. I am an addict for oxytocin and dopamine and many other chemicals from physical closeness. Maybe I can just get it from him, only to realize that I still cannot avoid the inevitable withdraw symptoms. It’s the inevitable that can’t be changed. Overtime, I will become tolerance of the drug and I will need more of it for the same effect. Once I become tolerance, I just need to, I don’t know, stop taking it for a while and then it’ll started to feel good again. Is that what love is? Should it be like this. I miss Chad Evans. I miss the drug with such high tolerance and withdraw. He may be craving another drug that isn’t me. And may as well be using me as a rebound in hope that I could provide him with the same, equal or more powerful effect. And if I didn’t, then he’ll simply go back to his old elicit drug.

Another day

Life keeps going. Never did I know that it can sometimes feel complicated. Nevertheless, perhaps what we do shows what we make it to be. What mark are leaving in this world. Probably not so much. But being happy is a good thing.

When things do not aligned with how we want. Relationship ended. Misunderstanding occurred. Deadline approaching. How do we relax, zoom out, and get back up. That’s the question.

Things may never ever be the same. It won’t. Then how do we keep going with the changes. Changes are good.

Relationship is one thing in life I know I need to grow. I absolutely love to be loved. I love love. But when it gets frustrated or painful is when it is painful.

At least I know I loved something, but we’re going into a different direction. It is the path that is no longer there. No matter how much I want to retract it. It is disappearing. It is gone. There will be another path for me to take.

There is no doubt that I can love. I realized that I can. I learn to choose what is best for me. I know what I can live and not live with. I learned to make a decision to stop. I learn that some people are better of not having in my life. I learn that it’s ok to miss them. It’s very much so ok. But at the same token. Regrets will teach me. Regrets are the things I hope to be able to not repeat and improve.