What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.

When you seem to be able to give advices

When you seem to be able to give other people the proper advice or the advice that you think is best, but the one who you should be giving it to the most is, to yourself.

The paragraph above, truly resonates with me. It’s something I’m telling myself to understand and fully believe.

I met Crystal in a chemistry lab, she was my assigned lab partner for the semester. We worked well together because both of us cared about having good experimental results. Often time, when we waited for the experiment to do its magics (reactions), we would use that time to talk about life. I don’t share about my personal life voluntarily. It’s not something I often do. But Crystal didn’t mind, she was having a relationship problem, so she vent it out to me.

She said that she didn’t [sometimes] feel loved by her boyfriend, which I can certainly relate. As I went through something similar and it was good I went through it.
It was the one of the best things that ever happened to me for good. The experience twisted and turned my stomach. It has a quenching pain. It was just good.

I ended the relationship, only to later realized that I want it back, but I couldn’t quit pinpoint exactly why I wanted it when it wasn’t the best for me.

I told her to love herself more and value herself and to not let a guy turned her life upside down in a rollercoaster. Because he can’t. She (me) shouldn’t let him or anyone ever.

Even though, I told her the best advice I could think of, I am also speaking those advice to myself. God put me in this situation where I was giving advice to her, but in fact, I was giving advice to myself. He used her to tell me the things he wanted me to know more fully. I know them in my head, but I don’t listen to it. And that’s the problem.

I love him (an ex) and I would maybe give my world to him. But I can’t give my world to him because I don’t know if I can give the world to myself.

I missed him dearly and knowing that and focusing on the feelings is not the best thing I’m doing to myself right now. I’m going through something absolutely preventable. As magical as this sound, this symptoms could be cured. I am optimistic that it could be cured with a snap of a finger, to wake up.

It can’t be as clear as it could be. It’s as clear as the night and day. I need to be able to believe it. I do. I always ended up disappointing myself in relationship. It’s like I expect a lot out of it. I have my ideal everything planned out. They’re just not on board. They can’t ever be if it’s not from God.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to be still. There hasn’t been days that I didn’t think about it. I want to snap out of it and to be happy. I can’t afford to live a life like this. A sad, regretful, and longing life.

Life shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t be this complicated. It should be better, fun, and more meaningful.

“Let’s be friend.” Never has I ever heard it saying to me. Checked.

There is not anything I can do anymore, except to pray.

Jesus, I know you’re there. I know you do. Please help me believe and feel that you do. That you have great plan. You do. Lord. You do. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, Lord. When I chose what I want instead of what I’ve been taught by you to live. I messed up, my Lord. I did. Big time. More than I could’ve ever thought I would ended up in. All the things I tried to build, clashes, broken–into pieces. I feel horrible, Lord. I sinned. I’m broken and I am in need of you. To rescue me. I am broken and completely broke. Into pieces. I lacked values, principles I hold on to. Lord, I don’t have time for anything or anyone anymore. Not even for my friends, sister, or family. I’m down in this hole all alone by myself. I am not as happy as I should be. I let a guy turned me upside down and pinned me down to a rollercoaster ride. I let him do it. I let it happened to me. I allowed him to. It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t. We’re not for each other from the very start. From the very beginning. We weren’t. It. I have hard time believing in so, even though my head said no, my heart rejected. The heart wants what it wants. My head trying to tell me otherwise. In reality, everything is all in my head.

Lord, I did wrong, Lord. I did. I am sorry I disappointed you, again and again. I messed up. And I don’t want to ever repeat this mistake again. It costed me. It’s costly. I am ashamed and guilty of what I did. I am sorry, Jesus. I am. Please forgive me. Forgive me this ugly sin.

Heart break is not a bad thing

Sometimes, heart break may be the best thing that ever happened to you. It makes you realized so much. It makes you feel alive. Like you’re living. Through the pain, you’re living. It’s magical. It makes your eyes suddenly magnified.

Sitting and brooding will not makes things better

The truth is sitting and brooding over negative emotions done more harm and good. The easiest, most obvious cure, is to get up and do something!

Life’s worth more living. It is. Think about the positives. There is so much to look forward to.

When you go forward, you keep going. Just keep going. Just keep on pushing. Everything will be ok. It will be better. Have hope and keep your head held high. Smile at others and more importantly smile inside to yourself.

All in the Head. All About Perspective.

It’s late, precisely 1:12 am in the morning. I made an instant coffee, knowing that I would need it tonight to finish my 2 of my assignments and a powerpoint presentation. I still have to also make the PPT, bibliography, as well as start practicing the presentation. I need to know what I am talking about first. I have a test on Friday that I also have to study for.

I called my friend today. I vented my problem to her. She give me advice. She basically told me that it is up to me and that we’ve been over this many times now. She basically got tired of my ****. Anyhow, my other friend, who I typically talked to, said that I basically have an emotional struggle, which I laughed because it’s not necessarily false.

I attempted to called my mom. She didn’t answered. I then called my dad, he picked-up. I cried in front of him. He tried to comfort me until he got a little frustrated at me and basically told me to be some senses. He basically told to get-up-and-get-going-on-with-my-life.

Claudia, one of my friends, asked if I am settling. I didn’t want to settle, but I am hung-up on this problem–this emotional struggle.

My heart and brain completely says to different things. My feelings want to do what its wants, which is getting back into being in a relationship. My brain and conscious and sometimes my value, dignity, and pride prevented me from doing all those things I wanted. If I can just live life. Doing whatever I want to do, what would that turn out. Live life however I want to–being free. No bondage. Would I then be happy?

I want to get back with him, why can’t I? No one supported my decision. No one. Absolutely none. I’m the only one who want to do what she wants. Aren’t I am my own protagonist in this life? In this story? Can we work things out.

He doesn’t bring any good in me. In fact, more than anything, he can make me become negative just like himself. So why do I want to be with someone like that? He has depression and is not even completely over his ex-gf. Well, why, then, would I want to be with someone like that? Is it as simple as love? Is it truly that stupid? What if this love is not even reciprocated? What if he will just toss me aside? What if he just going to dump me at the end? What if he changed his mind? What if he changed his behavior–treat me badly, abuse me, curse at me, and ignored me? If he does all that, would I still love him?

Think. Really. If it because I had that with him that’s why it is hard to get rid of?

I am wide awake. People tell me to be strong. They told me that there are better people out there for me.

Can I accept that he will not going to ever fulfill me? I am 22 years old.

If he rejected me, am I going to be ok?

Can you live without him? Yes, I can.

Enough of thinking about him.

Enough of waiting on him.

Enough of being miserable.

Enough of crying about him.

Enough of caring about him.

Enough of everything that has to do with him.

He doesn’t care about you, Cam. He doesn’t. Not nearly as you would care about him. He also doesn’t love you nearly as you love him. He doesn’t value or protect you as much as you would about him. He didn’t choose you. He just doesn’t say it. Do you really need him to tell you directly that. That he doesn’t love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Please learn to accept the truth. Stop lying to yourself. Stop dwelling in this misery hole. You need to get up already. It has been 5 months of restlessness. You’re doing this to yourself. He has moved on. You haven’t. He is gone. You stayed at the same, exact spot. It is time that you do something, please do something. Just something. Gather yourself. Stop thinking about him. Gather all your broken pieces and leave as you are.

Love is a Type of Drug

Today, I learned that people typically become addicted to drug, not fully because once they stoped taking it, they experience withdraws. But because they missed or craved the good feelings drugs produce. That’s why those who stopped taking the drugs for months or years experienced relapse because they once experience the goods these drugs made them feel. Anyhow, it hit me today after class that there was a movie called Love and Other Drugs, or something like that. And it also l hit me again that, love is, in fact, a type of drug. I didn’t crave love or attachment because I didn’t want to experience withdraws. I crave it or think about it or miss it because I remembered the good feelings I once associated with. The stronger the drug elicited, the more I craved it, the harder it was to eliminate. As human, we learned through our experiences. There are chemicals being produced when two people began to feel good about one another. As a result, when the other person is absent, we begin to crave that drug. I had never had any drug, thus far, that is as strong as him. My first drug was me trying it out and realizing that there are better drugs out there. With my second type of drug, I just could never had enough of it for some reason, like I always seemed to crave it to a point where it became unhealthy and I don’t think it was doing me any good. Of course I missed it. The drug is one call-away. Isn’t it sad. Life, honestly should be easy and simple. I want it, I go get it, sort of thing. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just have it when I craved it. I might not even like him, but I absolutely love touching him. Ok, so I like touching him. It’s scary. Why does it have to be with him then? Why not having it with somebody else. I don’t know. I need to be able to live without this drug. Oxytocin, dopamine, I don’t know what the other ones are. It smells good. I like the smell very much. What should I do? I would be lying to myself. Because I also see that we’re not for each other. Also, I would be lying if I said that I just wanted the physical closeness without the actual commitment. I didn’t just want a drug that is shorted-lived I want the ones that is good for me. The ones that make me healthier. The ones that is sustaining and forever-lasting. One thing I know for a fact is that I need emotional support from a partner and I don’t know if he could provide that for me. I do enjoy his company and what I had with him isn’t what I have had with anyone before. It’s easier to form that with someone but to really connect with them on a deeper level I don’t know if that’s as easy to find. If I could just used him for the drug without emotional attachment, as high or euphoric as that sounds, why is that any different from prostitution. I mean I don’t want to be frank about it. But thoughts sometimes take me to places. We didn’t connect on a deeper level like I had wanted. I am not going to lie that I’m scared of what he could do to me. How he still hung up on his other drug, etc. I don’t want to wait. I can’t. I don’t want to. I either could have him fully or not at all.

Now that I think about it. I’m going through a withdraw and sure I am craving the goods despite the bad. The bad outweighs the good sometimes in my case. I am an addict for oxytocin and dopamine and many other chemicals from physical closeness. Maybe I can just get it from him, only to realize that I still cannot avoid the inevitable withdraw symptoms. It’s the inevitable that can’t be changed. Overtime, I will become tolerance of the drug and I will need more of it for the same effect. Once I become tolerance, I just need to, I don’t know, stop taking it for a while and then it’ll started to feel good again. Is that what love is? Should it be like this. I miss Chad Evans. I miss the drug with such high tolerance and withdraw. He may be craving another drug that isn’t me. And may as well be using me as a rebound in hope that I could provide him with the same, equal or more powerful effect. And if I didn’t, then he’ll simply go back to his old elicit drug.

Another day

Life keeps going. Never did I know that it can sometimes feel complicated. Nevertheless, perhaps what we do shows what we make it to be. What mark are leaving in this world. Probably not so much. But being happy is a good thing.

When things do not aligned with how we want. Relationship ended. Misunderstanding occurred. Deadline approaching. How do we relax, zoom out, and get back up. That’s the question.

Things may never ever be the same. It won’t. Then how do we keep going with the changes. Changes are good.

Relationship is one thing in life I know I need to grow. I absolutely love to be loved. I love love. But when it gets frustrated or painful is when it is painful.

At least I know I loved something, but we’re going into a different direction. It is the path that is no longer there. No matter how much I want to retract it. It is disappearing. It is gone. There will be another path for me to take.

There is no doubt that I can love. I realized that I can. I learn to choose what is best for me. I know what I can live and not live with. I learned to make a decision to stop. I learn that some people are better of not having in my life. I learn that it’s ok to miss them. It’s very much so ok. But at the same token. Regrets will teach me. Regrets are the things I hope to be able to not repeat and improve.

Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.

Life, Love, and Pain

The beauty of life is perhaps the unknown. It’s the not knowing.

Often time life is not planed. Unexpected. It’s something beautiful and interesting.

I rushed in it for perhaps the instant gratification. I don’t know. But is that a wrong start.

I met Chad Evans at the lab that I worked. Right away, he was attractive. Tall, clean. He was handsome. But there is something off about him. His posture. His sense of self. Something wasn’t quite right. Over time I got to know him, he helped tutored me. I started to like him. Pretty fast, but I still don’t know if it’s long term. The pace of our relationships was fast. We basically began to live together. Cook together. Do almost everything together in our apartment.

We didn’t quite go outside much. Because he doesn’t particularly liked it. I was ok in the beginning, but over time I began to want to do more things outside of our regular routine.

There were perhaps differences we starting to see in each other.

I like him. I still do. I’m still attracted to him. His smell, his face, and his hair. It’s quite superficial. But I am attracted.

Overtime I started to notice qualities, in which, he has that I am not particularly fond or a fan of.

He can get really upset, easily frustrated.

He doesn’t like to go out as much, which was also another source of frustration.

We don’t agree on something. Choice of food etc.

I like hugging, kissing, and making out with him. But beyond that I don’t know if there is more to the physical attraction.

I want someone who would protect me. I can protect myself, it’s just having someone who I knew, would, is comforting.

I want someone who I can laugh with a lot.

I want someone who love God just as much as or more than I do.

Chad is someone I don’t know the answer to quite yet. I don’t want him to be something that I hold on to. I want to see if I can enjoy doing things with.

I enjoy cooking with him. I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy doing indoor things with him.

I also wanted to enjoy doing outdoor things with him.

Beside our problems, I wonder what else we could talk about. I wonder what are the depth of our conversation. Is there any?

I wondered what else we could talked about. Perhaps going to places such as hiking could let us know more about each other. Can we enjoy spending time with each other or do we just wanted to leave.

How our dates go? What does it feels like.

Of course how do I feel.

What do I want?

Am I happy?

What do I see in him?

Do I like him or do I like having him or do I like the relationship or do I not wanting to be alone

He felt restricted. He said to tone it down. I can tone it down, but do we have the thing I’ve been searching for. If we don’t then, perhaps maybe I’m reaching my conclusion.

Perhaps this will the lessons I will learn a lot. Lessons of the life time. Lessons God had given to me to figure out. Lessons He knew I would benefited. Lessons in which I learn.

Lessons of weighting, balancing, being happy on my own. Lessons of communication. Lesson of liking a guy in the unknown.

Mindset: Unlocking Its Power

The power of the mind and our thinking is such a powerful thing. We can set our mind to create, destroy, or simply do nothing. We can use it to process, change, or hinder. Our fights are with our mind. Ego, selfishness, power, etc. Everything begins and end with our mind.

It seems to me that most of us want the goods: free schooling, healthcare, public transportations, better environment to name the fews. But want them, but how we get them is what makes our topic of discussion quite interesting. This is when the power of the mind and where we place our focus are a hurdle or paths to a better future.

I am taking one of the honors class about the City. Particularly, our focus on the class is about our city (the city I live in now and studying), but we definitely talk a lot of other cities as well. Today has so far been the day that I was truly inspired by the class lecture. One of my note wrote “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Life is this case, my professor wrote as:

Life = Healthcare

Liberty  = Opportunity —> Transportation

Pursuit of Happiness = Education

Healthcare, transportation, and education exist in America, but it could be better. Everything could be better as long as we live and exist. We thrive on evolving, on changing, adapting, on evolution. It is a no-stop process. We went from a horse buggy to a flying vehicle. We went from slavery to freedom. Yet, are we truly free. Do we truly escape our own chains and limitation that is rooted in our mind; that lives inside us. Are we free from ourselves, from our own hinder, and capped.

As human, we fear change. We are in fear of the unknown, whether that be relationship, applying for a new position, moving to a different city, studying abroad, aging, doctor’s visit, faith, etc.

We can often time live in fear that hinder us more and more to stagnation to where we just stay where we mostly feel comfortable and not wanting to embrace the unknown. As long as the enemy make us stay stagnant, it’s winning. Not doing anything can be equally as destruction. Didn’t vote doesn’t mean you’re not doing any harm. 92 millions American did not participate in voting. Wealth distribution in America is far beyond from our expectation or reality.

The point of this writing is to inspire us for CHANGE. Because regardless of any changes, we often fear that change will be worse, well, not doing anything, in fact, is equally destructive. Change = unknown result to the change. But if we don’t change then we don’t know and if we don’t know it is stagnation and stagnation = destruction.

To change is to overcoming our fear–it is to liberate.


It is a little disturbing to having been involved with someone who seem (in my opinion) stuck in negative mindset. It is like anything they’ve experience seem to be bringing them misfortune, misery, complaints, or struggles, when in fact, it doesn’t have to be that way. And what seems to be weirder is that I see that they can get out of it; that they can change. They, themselves, may not necessarily see it at the moment. I don’t when or how they will emerged from that things in their live that constantly made them struggle. All I can do is to learn from them, pray for them, and be there fore them when God allows me to–when opportunity arises. Is it a burden to be there for them, in a sense, the answer is yes and no. No, meaning I like to help, but the extend of my help is not only up to me. A lot of the heavy lifting have to and only will come from them to want to change and ask God to help changing it. Yes, it can be a burden, in which my emotion has worry is potentially involved. But what I can control is to not let myself be too emotionally involved, not in a selfish way, but to always help him without expect anything in return. To help him with a light heart. To help him as one human-being who see their potential and as someone who wishes them well. To view of it in this way is be pure in my intention. To let go and forgive. It is to be patience and to have humility. To love and not expecting any in return. To love unconditionally.

If only. Even though, I am certainly not in his life no longer. And it sometimes could be bring me a little pain to be around the person. This is where a little conflict arises. At the same time going back to self can be the answer as well as listening to God. He knows my heart, soul, mind, weakness, and strength. Right now, all I could do is heal and it is a beautiful process. Heal to where He knows I am equipped and protected. Right now what I can do is to pray, perhaps checking on him from time to time if need be. But I’ve also got to perhaps make sure that I would only check on him when I am in a good place to help. Because I don’t think I can be of the best help when I am also battling my own battle. It only makes sense of me to put on the oxygen mask first then extend it to those around me.


Nevertheless, trusting in God has processing me into a direction and mindset that He intended. The weight and struggle begins to subside, the cloud lifted, and sunshine peaked-in. There is no greater love than thee.