Solution to the problem

I finally found the answer as to how I was behaving and thinking. Whatever I think it dictates my action. Anyhow, my aunt (as always) solves my problem because she saw it so clearly. While it took me almost 5 weeks and I still couldn’t see what was wronged. I grew up I’m a family that doesn’t order me around. No one has actually ever criticized me or tell me what to do. I always done my own thing and it wasn’t apparent until today. I finally get to see myself more clearly

All-or-Nothing

It seems like I started training for a company as a host starting July 20th and a week after that on Saturday, I started training for another company as well. I dint not expected to have conflicts. I obviously did not foresee events that deviated from my expectation. Obviously, I underestimate my second job. I work early in the morning, which are earlier than most people. Anyhow, I can honestly say that I really want to work at a certain station at my second job. I also learned that I need a very defined work task as I am more inflexible than not having to do things in a whims. And a lot of this discontentment also contributed to being new for the job as well. If I was not as new, I would know everything that I needed to know and not overthinking as much about what I should or should not do. I am a hard worker, but I do want to feel like I am doing a good job and that I was at least being appreciated. I want a job that I don’t hate. I want to be able to be myself, get along with coworkers, and BOSSES. Also, a job that makes me grow. Well, more importantly, a job that I feels they put my skills that I have to good used but at the same time develop what could be improved. So far I cannot honestly say that I am having fun at either of my jobs (with being so new). They are jobs that I haven’t quite been excited about. Maybe I have problems. May be it is me being complicated and choosey on what I have to do. Anyhow, I drafted this blog when I had started working probably about 3 weeks in. Today is Aug. 30 on a Sunday. And before last week starting Monday. I had worked my courage up to discuss how I feel with my early morning job with the manager. After “the talk” things really improved and I gave all the lord to God for helping me along the way—guiding me and for never left me. He is always there. Always. Anyhow, Tuesday afternoon was when I decided to talk to my manager about how I feel everything. Since then, I’m repeating myself, but I felt like how I feel really got better. Anyhow, I hope to be a better worker. And to be honest, partly was because I was new (I still am) but I was definitely not as new as 4 weeks ago, so that was something to be rejoicing about. I was new and inexperienced with working in a fast paced, high efficiency environment. Also as working different bosses and having a head boss that I couldn’t be myself around. A boss I felt was nitpicking me and doesn’t know their tone of voice when speaking. But I confronted her and things got better. My next goal at this job is work on bar. And also trying focus and be efficient. Anyhow, I’m learning a lot. And just like “most” things, they will get better with times because things will get better if they are in the things we hope to be better and working towards that goal. I learn wha thins of a leader I want to be. I learn to improve (hopefully) my tone of voice. I learn to work hard. I learn to speak to customers. I learn more about myself not being at home and sleeping or eating or watching YouTube. And with that being say, I’m grateful, very grateful for the opportunity to grow and experience this season of life. And I tend to use the word “very” very carefully. I don’t just say “very” with just anything. It really has to really be it to be “very” something. I learn that I’m not always going to get along with everyone. But I still need to COMMUNICATE with them. I learn that I dislike people telling me what to do or not noticing that I am doing my best. I also realized that when they give me feedback, it has to come from a place of sensitivity and without frustrations. Because I can quickly feel like you’re criticizing and belittling me or nitpicking only by how they use their choice of words or the tone of voice. These that I mentioned could, and I say could, make me feel a certain way. I also learn to not take things personally, which I usually don’t if I’m being honest until it acutely get personal then I will become very unhappy. I can only hold so much until I will begin to feel frustration, and just boil water—passive aggressiveness. And I should not let myself get there, because i honestly make me uncomfortable and heavy. Not good feelings. I like to be logical but I do have emotions. I want my logic to rule most of me, because I know I need to use it when I know I usually will have emotions. I try to be logical but sometimes it backfire on me as well. I try to be emotional but in a good state and logical on a good state as well. So yea, I’m learning to balance both. And simply be pick and choose when I use the logical vs the emotional card. I need to use both to be effective and to be true to myself. Love myself, don’t neglect myself, how I feel and respect myself more. I also need to not let anyone push my around like they can do or say whatever they want to say to me so our considering what comes out of their mouths or attitudes. I’m learning to respect myself more because if not I learn that people with power over cross my boundary and quickly hurt me feelings. So I need to set myself and my tone for them to know exactly where they can and cannot crosses. I sometimes think I’m too agreeable to a fault. I need to speak up for myself when necessary without being rude or hurtful. I also learn to let other knows they they shouldn’t and shouldn’t be taking advantage of me or my kindness. I also learn to listen better (hopefully). I’m tired now, so goodnight.

This is not my story

But people are dumb. I’ve been dumb. But some people really are dumb when it comes to love. It just show even more how broken the world we live in now are honestly. Heart break seems to get the best of us and some of us are lucky to not have experienced it, so you might now understand what I am about to say. Luckily or may be not luckily I have dealt with break ups–two of them to be exact. What I learn is that the more I gave the painful the break up was and the less I gave, the less painful was the break up!

The reason why I am writing this right now is to relieve the feeling I have. I honestly have hard time listening or learning about painful experiences from someone. It frustrated me knowing that there is no quick fix and that people are fools. So I don’t know how I ended uo talking this guy but sooner than later we drove pretty deep into our life experiences and with enough time, I started to figure out that this guy is in pain and that he had recently experience a break up of 6 years and this all happened 3 months ago, so it is a pretty recent wound. I tried to talk him to feel better about what happened but like all fools, he does not listen but feel how he feels about his ex and still care about her. I cannot blame him though because his break up is very recent and it was 6 years of his life with someone. So I am trying to collect my thought and be as sympathetic as much as I can because I got a little annoyed with him, so I just stop texting, trying to help because he just didn’t get any senses. He was not able to see thing objectively, which I mean again only time will heal. That is all I could complain about him I supposed, but what a fool. I am a fool too.

running thought

it is 2:30 a.m. The best part about my day today was skating at the park. It was relaxing. I was hoping to get my mind of things that are bothering me. Skating or playing tennis serve as an escape. However, my mind if still thinking something that is bothering me. I felt tired but my mind kept running about something that I couldn’t resolved, so here I am trying to organize my feeling to figure out exactly what is bothering me about today’s experience. I am going to be honest, so I could gained some clarity.

I think what has been bothering me was the lunch I had today with a coworker I met at work. Maybe there is something that made me uncomfortable. So I like chill out and not think too much about anything. But for some reasons I didn’t feel completely myself around the person. First off, I hate waiting for people and I waited 30 minutes for him to show up. That was not fun. It was disappointing and I would hate if I do that to others. The talking was meh too, it seems too shallow for me. I like to get deeper than the surface when it comes to conversation, but the conversation was just kind of boring. I personally do not like lunch or eating related meet-up in general because I would have to eat and talk almost at the same time and it was just bad timing. Next time, I will not agree to any of the eating related get-to-know someone meeting. Period. It was too uncomfortable. Yeah, the date was honestly just boring and I feel like I didn’t get any exchange of information, in another word, I feel like I didn’t really learn much about the person, but oh well. This is just coming from my point of view. I also hated it when people think I am sweet, simply for their first impression of me. I know I am not “sweet,” and the assumption was kind of agin bothersome. I am just me. Someone who is brutally honest with the people I know and definitely not sweet. What else, yeah the meeting was just not fun and I will not be agreeing for the second meeting. It is just not my vibe and I think the reason it has been bothering me was because it didn’t went well and I need to learn not to be caught up in something that I can’t control. I’ve had about 5 meeting with different people this month, which seem like a lot, but still I didn’t feel any sort of awkwardness or uncomfortability. Also, I feel like it is only awkward if you make it so.

Another lesson I learn is to not be more than friend with people I work with. It is just uncomfortable if something went wrong. It is definitely not something pleasant and I am learning it for the second time now and it won’t be the third time around. Period. Twice is enough. So all in all, I just wanted vent that there are situations that you can’t control and it is something that already happened and there is no need to worry about. Next time, assess the situation better. If it might seem uncomfortable then don’t do it. If the pros weight less than the cons then better not to act on it even though in the moment you didn’t really see what could go wrong. I am guilty of having a double standard also, so I can’t fault him for feeling a certain way because I would definitely feel the same way if that were to happened to me. But again there was no damage being done, therefore, I would just forget about the incident. Therefore, I understand where he was coming from, but I might have handle it differently. But that still didn’t excuse the fact that the conversation was not engaging for me. Still, it is ok that all of this happened and I am not going to beat myself up for it. I need to learn not to worry about things I can’t control and that not everything will go according to my expectation. Let it go and move-on, there is really nothing to worry about. It will passed and life goes on with or without me. I have goals and dreams I need to full-fill. There are so much more to do and to live for. Don’t let one set back beat yourself up and make you worry that cause you to not fall asleep like usual. This is, again, another lesson learn and it is good. You know what you learn to like or dislike. I also need to also learn to say no sometimes and I am really bad at this. There are many times where I just cannot say no when someone ask to hangout. So I need to learn to be strong and say “no.”

The lesson learn are:

-don’t worry about something you can’t control

-learn to say NO

-if things do not go according to expectation, don’t beat yourself up

-you only make it awkward if you feel it; deception makes it reality

Ok I take it back partially that the date didn’t went well. The conversation wasn’t entirely boring, but perhaps the situation was not something I preferred. There are so many things gone wronged that just makes the meeting sucks. I take most of it back. There was just more things gone wrongs than rights and it made the entire date sucks. So, all in all I just need to calm myself down and breath. Next time, choose a low-key kind of date where you know you can handle and feel comfortable.

Dates you like

-walking in the park

-doing activities

Dates you don’t like (even though you did give it a try):

  • having to have a meal sort of date (except picnic)
  • watching a movie date

Well well it is the Class of 2020

Well well, I am back at it again for another doodling project of mine. The fun and it was always part of the unplanned because I write whenever I feel “things.” I write because I want to let my feelings out. I don’t know if I am a feeling kind of person necessarily, but if I think hard enough, my actions were driven by how I feel. I don’t really plan things. I hardly do. It is a moment sort of thing. I do plan sometimes, but I certainly did not plan on writing about my graduation! And that I am indeed part of the Class of 2020! The corona, the almost going to war, the crazy Trump presidency, I mean lots of things had happened and still is happening like the Covid-19. Needless to say, I am feeling the celebration.

It is weird that I didn’t actually want to celebrate, like I couldn’t careless about graduation celebration ABCD. One, I don’t feel important. Two, I don’t like that graduation symbolizes success crap. Three, I don’t have three. But I honestly have a mixed feeling when it comes to graduation. I think it is cliche and too inside the box. Like everyone had to do the same thing. Isn’t it repetitive, yeah. I don’t know I feel like a party pooper, but I only like graduation probably only for the inspirational speech and people decided to goof off when they walk on stage, that’s it.

I have a mixed feeling because, I mean you hear people say this all the time, but it does feel weird to go into the “real” world as if you living isn’t real enough. I guess a more descriptive way of explaining is the fear of the unknown. Think about it, most of you and me, we were in school for how many years already, 20 for me. I started school at maybe 2 or 3. Crazy right. Like we’re used to the system and surrounding. The basic waiting and waiting for everything. We hardly ever have to start anything ourselves. We were told what to do and now who is going to tell us. We have to leave and bye bye. You do not belong here anymore. I am having a crazy stomach feeling as I am typing this. If I am correct, it is the feeling of nervousness. I am used to the system. I am sad. I think that’s why I was feeling meh about this whole thing. It is kind of scary and I didn’t think I was going to feel this way. It is a moment thing. I feel this way right now but I will feel better later; by the time I finish writing. I remembered always wanting to leave pre-school whenever I arrived there. I didn’t like that place but what’s funny is that I am kind of half hearted feeling that way right now just the opposite. I am not sure what I am feeling weird about. I think I might know, may be it is feeling of the “I could have” sort of idea, like the feeling that I can’t take any of it back, because it flew by and you just missed it until you realized when it is too late. It is like the feeling that you didn’t know what you have until it’s gone. It is the feeling of regret and that is not the feeling I particularly enjoyed. It is the worse feeling in the world. The question is what am I regretting about. Is it not getting drunk, is it not partying, is not not smoking weed, is it not knowing what else I could have’s. Is it not studying enough for exams when I know I could do better? I think I fear of not living to the fullest. I fear I wasted it something; time, moment, opportunity, relationship, idk. I fear that, no matter what it had be. It is funny because when I graduated from high school, my church teacher gave me a book called “How to Not Waste Your Life,” isn’t ironic. I feel like it didn’t reap the experience well enough, I fear losing. I fear what I can’t take back. It is weird, but that’s how I feel. I do want to go back, actually no I can’t go back. It is impossible, from what I know there is no such thing as a time machine. It is only in movies. I hear people say all the time that the past makes up who you are and yes, I have to agree to that and stick to it; believe that it is true. I do fear change. I am scare of not making the past pretty enough for my best work. Like I am doom because my past was not the best I can do. I think these feelings are; I don’t know if it is normal.. I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this crisis ever in the world. I tried to look on the bright side to everything. I do. Life is too short to be miserable. I am grateful up until this point actually. I feel lucky a lot and I had to fight for things and things just does not come to me I have to work for it. No matter what they are I have to work at it. I mean God helped shape me too and I owed that to Him. He is my comforter. He is the one that brought all the people I’ve met.

I have to say that more than anything I am grateful and that is the IT word. I just am. For everything. For what I have, eat, sleep on, type on, play game on, talk to people on, FaceTime my dad, mom, drive, ride, cook, bake, grill, clean, wash…

I just am glad to exist and living, but it is time to actually Live, to feel alive to love and to laugh.

What I learned

What I learned a hope to improve is the amount of time ones should learn to get over a break up. People often said the amount of time to get over a breakup varies on the couple/relationship etc. I had though that if the break up was bad or the relationship was messy then, for me at least, might take some times than a clean cut, nice break up.

I tried not to talk about it on my blog as of now. As I’m going through it and I also don’t want to jinx anything. Because so far, I thank God for the motion.

Little improvements are still progress and that is the best I could have been thankful for.

I think about it less and less as times go on. The intensity also decreases.

I’m thankful for everything. I also sorry for something.

Life is…

Life is peaceful and calm. Emotion is steady. It’s 3:03 PM on Tuesday. My Thanksgiving Break began. No wonder it feels nice.

My love language couldn’t be any stronger than what it is and that put me in a good mood. After I washed the dishes, she made me cereal and I was touched. I know it might sounds weird, that I felt tough just because she made me cereal, but I am.

Last night, I thought about how I haven’t been as thankful as I should and I think not being so could make life not as happy as I could be.

So, I wanted to be thankful for everything that happened thus far. Although, there had been experiences, in which, I regretted. However, I can’t dwell on the idea because sometimes the past remains the past and as much as I want to, I can’t go back and fix it. All I could do now is with the moment that I have.

I didn’t quite regretted a lot in life, but I could now say that I regretted one thing and I don’t if this will continue to be the thing I regretted, or over time I will learned to see that the good in it; that it happened for a reason–that it were meant to end the way it did.

I love how I started of hopeful, but slowly transitioned to a little sad story.

Anyhow, I hope I will do ok more and more each day and I hope he’s doing ok as well.

Remember this feeling

Remember this feeling you have right now. When you are going. When you keep going. When you’re getting better, stronger. When know you’re doing better. When you’re pushing through. When you’re happy the fire is burning. When you starting to feel hopeful. When you starting to love yourself. When you’re growing. God has a plan. He always does. Things that happened to you, through it, He remains unchanged, faithful, and awesome. You’re in good hands. He loves you so so much to sent His Son to die for you on the cross, so that you can be redeemed and made known to Him. God is love. He is love and you’re loved by Him. When you’re o.k, this is more than enough. Know that things happened for a reason. It does. Trust in the process. Don’t force the outcome. And always gives thanks to God. Thank Him for the provision He has and His goodness.

If you forget, come back to this message and remind yourself times-and-times again until it’s nailed to you. Love yourself. God is love. Love yourself well in the process and don’t forget to love others too.

What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.