Self-Awareness

I starting to realize why I don’t want to be in relationship.

  1. The guy has to be worth it
  2. I must be able to express myself and be truthful, not only to the other person, but also to myself
  3. I need to not be self-fish and be overly sensitive
  4. Be able to tell or regulate why a certain things is bothering me
  5. If it bothers me, I must be able to internalize whether it is reasonable to discuss to the person or I can rationalize it and overcome the concern

So, this is a few things I am able to sort of conclude. Hoping for many mores and for a good semester! Thank God for the wisdom he has given me.

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Tired

I am so tired. It is more like a disappointing sort of tired. When you hope for something and you didn’t really get it. Or perhaps I forgot that God is in control always. I genuinely lost track of thing. I didn’t pray as much or do bible studies as much and I honestly don’t think that I am going last without God’s help and mercy.

I am messed up times and times again. I am prideful as well as selfish. It is  disappointing and I am not sure if adulating is the right word. I simply wanted to be such and such, but it seems almost hopeless for me at time. Whenever I get bad grade mostly. It is tiring and simply sad. I am not sure how to get out of this. Should I keep on going like this or should I adjust and change strategies. I am not sure.

Please God help me to accomplish my task at hands. I am hopeless and really need help. Oh God please help me to be the person I ought to be for you. Help me to form a good relationship with others and to treat and see other as how I want to be treated and to love them.

 

 

Lonliness

Oh, boy. Who ever thought, I had felt bored and perhaps lonely. It is not that I thought of myself as indivisible, but honestly, I don’t feel lonely, until perhaps now. I think it is good that I feel this way because when people told me, “But wont’t you be lonely?” I quickly responded to them, “No! But I can see why you would say that.” This made me realize that people do feel lonesome at times, especially in college. I honestly, do not typically feel lonely because I occupy myself with stuff I needed to do. Well, I don’t know, now, I didn’t occupy myself, so I am experiencing something quite not fun here, loneliness perhaps boredom that could quite turn into loneliness easily. I used to be really comfortable with quietness, the quieter, the better. I am typically very much so happy being by myself. Now, I wanted to go back to that phrase of being able to again enjoying my own company.

It is sad that I am feeling this way, it is truly is. I am not sure if God has place me into this position in order for me to learn something, otherwise wouldn’t. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I have the MCAT that needed to be studied. I am taking a class in biomedical ethics that can always be learned ahead. I also can organize my room. Additionally,  I can also review old materials for the MCAT and even learned organic chemistry that I will take this fall. I can name many things that can be completed, however, where is my heart at?

Perhaps this is a side effect of a break up. I read in an article that after a break up girl will typically cry like crazy, while the guy seem to be okay initially, however, not in the long term like a month or two months later. Honestly, I think that I am a guy in this situation. I was feeling totally okay right after the break up because I feel like it was meant to be. However, I think I am feeling the side effect now, the lonesomeness. 😭😭. Anyway, the not so intelligent thing to do is to jump right into another relationship. Actually, I don’t want to restrict myself, but honestly, it would be wiser to not be in a relationship in college, in my case. I don’t need this, not now at the very least because there are goals that is ahead.

Dear God, I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I feel alone for the very first time. Perhaps, it is the side effect of my break up. It is sad. It is truly is, but I think you has place this in my life a reason and that I should rejoice. There is a verse in the Bible that mention to rejoice and give thanks even in the mist of suffering. And I knew that I am feeling something because there is a knot in my stomach. I am simply sad and I admitted it. I know there is a reason I am feeling this way, otherwise, I may not have learned what it is like to feel lonely. It kept me grounded and humbled, which is something I have been prayed for. Oh God, you’re greater than anything I could ever face in life. You are my God, my Rock, and I need as well as follow you.

Disappointed–Type

When you feel disappointed, well type.

I just went through a breakup. I missed a lab final that made my A turns into a B. I am about to take finals that I haven’t really studied. I am hungry and had to wait 3 more hours to eat. I am unorganized and spoiled.

I don’t know what to say except that disappointment keep me grounded. It made me feel small and un-prideful. I made me reached out to people for help. It made me feel that some people will offer to help and that they care, when they really don’t have to.

It gave me a better perspective that life keeps on going even though, I am disappointed. It made me think of a much harder hardship. There is someone today who just lost a loved one. There is someone today who feel as if they cannot see the light and waiting to see the light. There is someone today who just not feeling well and is about to left this world.

What I am going through is an event that happened to occur. It is okay.