Fear of Commitment (aka fear of being hurt)

I sometimes wonder whether I actually have a fear of commitment aka a fear of being disappointed/getting hurt. I have it to some degree, I think we all do, only to which extent.

How do we deal with it?

  1. To acknowledge the risks
  2. To view the risks with positivity* even if it may seems counterinutitive
  3. To view life as learning and growing experience

Lonliness

Oh, boy. Who ever thought, I had felt bored and perhaps lonely. It is not that I thought of myself as indivisible, but honestly, I don’t feel lonely, until perhaps now. I think it is good that I feel this way because when people told me, “But wont’t you be lonely?” I quickly responded to them, “No! But I can see why you would say that.” This made me realize that people do feel lonesome at times, especially in college. I honestly, do not typically feel lonely because I occupy myself with stuff I needed to do. Well, I don’t know, now, I didn’t occupy myself, so I am experiencing something quite not fun here, loneliness perhaps boredom that could quite turn into loneliness easily. I used to be really comfortable with quietness, the quieter, the better. I am typically very much so happy being by myself. Now, I wanted to go back to that phrase of being able to again enjoying my own company.

It is sad that I am feeling this way, it is truly is. I am not sure if God has place me into this position in order for me to learn something, otherwise wouldn’t. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I have the MCAT that needed to be studied. I am taking a class in biomedical ethics that can always be learned ahead. I also can organize my room. Additionally,  I can also review old materials for the MCAT and even learned organic chemistry that I will take this fall. I can name many things that can be completed, however, where is my heart at?

Perhaps this is a side effect of a break up. I read in an article that after a break up girl will typically cry like crazy, while the guy seem to be okay initially, however, not in the long term like a month or two months later. Honestly, I think that I am a guy in this situation. I was feeling totally okay right after the break up because I feel like it was meant to be. However, I think I am feeling the side effect now, the lonesomeness. 😭😭. Anyway, the not so intelligent thing to do is to jump right into another relationship. Actually, I don’t want to restrict myself, but honestly, it would be wiser to not be in a relationship in college, in my case. I don’t need this, not now at the very least because there are goals that is ahead.

Dear God, I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I feel alone for the very first time. Perhaps, it is the side effect of my break up. It is sad. It is truly is, but I think you has place this in my life a reason and that I should rejoice. There is a verse in the Bible that mention to rejoice and give thanks even in the mist of suffering. And I knew that I am feeling something because there is a knot in my stomach. I am simply sad and I admitted it. I know there is a reason I am feeling this way, otherwise, I may not have learned what it is like to feel lonely. It kept me grounded and humbled, which is something I have been prayed for. Oh God, you’re greater than anything I could ever face in life. You are my God, my Rock, and I need as well as follow you.

The Kindness of a Stranger

I had to admit that at times,  I am a skeptic. I am skeptical about certain things and sometimes not even realizing it. I don’t always believe what other say, for instance, when I am listening in class to a professor. I listened, but I certainly have my opinions and questioned whether the fact made sense and if they didn’t then I simply stood my ground.

Yesterday was a Friday. I am hoping that one of my friend would invited me to play tennis with him. Since we both sort of threw that in the air, but both did not took the initiative. Anyway, from a week of work and taking classes, I felt asleep at around 10 pm, didn’t take shower nor even brushed my teeth (which rarely happens). I went to bed and woke up again at 4 am until falling to sleep again to wake up at around 10 am. I showered, washed my hair, blow dried it, and get dressed. I walked downstairs to make breakfast and lunch. I ate and knew that I had to go buy grocery as well as buy a book for a class I am taking in the summer.

I went to Sprout Farmer Market, which is a nice grocery store that is full of stuffs I like, it has varieties. I was choosing cilantro, and other ingratiates to make salad for the upcoming week. Then I saw a sign, “5/1 dollar Sweet Corns,” I like corn on my salad, so I decided to give it a look and choose the best corn kernel. All of a sudden, a lady around early 70 years old came and complimented my shoes and asked where had I got them from. I told her “I think I got them from Sperry.” We began our conversation that way, which I am not sure if she really liked my shoes or simply wanted a conversation. I think she really like my shoes as she continued asking where she could find them. Afterwards, she began to help me picked out corns and gave me tricks on how to choose the best corn. That’s why I titled this story “The Kindness of a Stranger.” I don’t even know her name. All I know is that this lady was kind.

Another story when I encountered another an example of kindness is the fact that my friend, I am not entirely sure if we’re “friend” quite yet, but anyway, we’re not getting into such topic. Anyway, right around 9 pm today, I was getting hungry right after my nap. I went down stairs to make a tuna sandwich. As I gather the ingredients on the kitchen counter. I started chopping celeries and bell peppers into tiny pieces, all of a sudden I received a phone call, which I thought was a FaceTime call from my sister, but when I was began to answer, I saw that it was a phone call and not a FaceTime call from my family. It was quite interesting that I received a call from someone at 9 pm. I answered, realizing that it was a male voice that I was not familiar, he kept taking, suggesting that we go get an ice-cream. I was hesitant: first, I don’t eat diary except eggs, second, I am in a middle of prepping food, and third and lastly, it is late. All of the above was the reasons why I said, “….maybe later, but thanks for inviting me,” and hung up. Anyway, I might disappointed the guy, but I had to stood my ground, I had my reasons. However, I still think it was kind of him to invite me to get ice-cream with him. He also said in the phone conversation to “don’t think too much about it.” Well, I am the way I am.

Anyways, these are story of when I encountered kindness. There are also times when this friend of mine offered to help me move my stuff into the apartment or when I asked him if he could help me picked up the elliptical and a keyboard at a lady house because he has a truck and strength. I genuinely do appreciate his help, but I don’t know if the guy is being nice just to be nice (the person he is) or if he has other intentions. Regardless, of the the reasons, I still appreciate people kindness when I didn’t expected them to be.

What I learned/ing Today

It is fascinating that one class has allowed me to think and I really mean Think. I came to a class with an expectation that it will be interesting as I have also heard from my friend, Tooba that biomedical ethics was a class she has found to be interesting. I came to the class with a positive mindset about it and as the course went on (today is our day 3) it has  struck me that wow, it makes me think. Okay, so you get the point that this class unlocked my thinking power whereas I might have been too lazy to think or to simply say, “oh well,” and did not care much less.

I am not sure if with the combination of the lack of sleep, which has heavily take part in that I am a little (or more) all over the place. I like to evaluate. I evaluate my past relationship, the topics of discussion happened today during class, etc. I evaluate pattern and behavior–this is possibly the way I am.

I am simply glad that I was partially set myself up to take this course, perhaps unconsciously or subconsciously that I had planed on taking it. I was hesitate whether or not to take this course in the beginning, and had thought of dropping it, however, if I were to drop the course, it will show on my transcript as a withdraw, which I didn’t want an unnecessarily withdrawal. Additionally, I wouldn’t be able to get a single refund for the tuition, so I continue on with the class. The main reason for hesitating whether to take the course was mostly has to do with the amount tuition, however, my conscious perhaps subconscious lead me to take the course.

My time management have got to improve.

Sometimes, it is important to do what is best for yourself first in a context, this may sounds selfish, however, take this instances for example, my friend asked if I had wanted to play tennis today at 5:30, well, I do, I really do want to play, but I know that I am tired and needed rest. I also got homework that also needs to be done. If I were to think that well,  I should play anyway because this friend, after all is a nice guy and that he invited me, and I didn’t want to reject him. Well, this won’t be good. Do what is needed to be done first in a certain context or situation. Even if I were to g play with him, 1) I won’t have as much fun, because I was too tired and perhaps he will be too, because the game was not interesting, 2) the game will be spent mostly on picking up balls instead of hitting back and fourth because I need to rest and be rejuvinated.

I also learned that I am not as direct when I am talking to someone whom I am not yet comfortable talking to, so with someone I haven’t known for very long, I tend to speak in an indirect manner in order to not hurt their feelings. With my sister, I used to be quite direct almost to the point of judgmental and critical when I try to tell her something, but I have gotten better at talking to her that whenever I wanted to recommend her about something I will speak to her gentler, she listens and will not feel hurt or criticize by it.  It is true that thoughts lead to action, sometimes we’re not sure why we acted a certain way, but there are subconscious thought that dictates our perception and also action.

I learned this at my work place as well! That we communicates more than by words! It is simply interesting. We spoke about this in my Sunday Bible School that whatever we do, we should perform as if serving for the Lord and by doing so, would allow us to be less selfish.

What I also learned at work is to complete the task I have been assign well and with the best intention.

 

Relationship

Done For Me – Charlie Puth

Well, relationship is crazy when you make it. Hey, honestly, I learned and it is okay. At least I learned a lot about myself. I do. I learned about how selfish I am when it comes to having a relationship with someone. I also learned that I am needy and have high expectation. But then, from now on I am not going to dwell. It is the feeling I have when I ran a mile. I wanted to complete the task I set my mind to, but it was so hard and I am weak. I tried and it is painful to keep going, but I know that I wanted to keep going.

Now this guy, I know I like him and being the selfish person that I am. I expected his love as well. I don’t know how this is going still, but I know that I am going to learn how to love someone this time. I am going to. I will try my best.

I will be strong-er. If there is not something I learned from this relationship, well, then there is no point. At the very least, I ought to be strong, to stand on my two feet. God would like for me to be strong as well. There is no point to being sad and perhaps this is what college are suppose to teach me. The experiences. There is no point in worrying if there is someone else out there or not. Make today the best you can. You don’t hav to focus too much on the future, just make today the best that you can.

Get rid of all the expectations. Do the best you can. Be the better version of yourself. Learn from the mistakes, but not dwell on it.

Also, unlike your parents’ love, which has already been given and even bigger is God’s love. Relationship that I am going to have with someone right now, I am NOT going to expect unless I have done all I could.

My Daily Devotion

My Today’s Daily Devotion contains a great and thought provoking message for us/me to be our our authentic self. It gave an example of how God doesn’t look at us in the mirror and wish that he sees someone else. This is powerful. We/I ought to be pursuing God in order for us to be transform by Him because He progressively helps us be the best version of ourselves, someone who we ought to be and  perhaps are already are, just not realized it. We may hinder ourselves from being someone God knows is true and genuine. He calls us to be someone He knows we are.

Today, as I played badminton, there are things I regretted and wish I had done differently. However, I cannot dwelled on the thing regretted because that is leading to negative thought.

Next time, I would definitely be competitive and encouraging. I will be more kind and have compassion. But when it’s game time, I ought to do my best, to set my mind not on beating the other person to pieces, but to play fair and kind. Winning has different form. I can win a game and feel really good about the game or win a game, but not as good. This is where mindset comes in and in any sports, it is a mind game.

How do some players manages to win more than lost. Wow, practice, of course, because practice provide the player sense of confidence. “I have worked really hard and I ought to show what I have been doing all these time to prepare for this match.”

Relating back to the MCAT, practicing it will provide the confidence for the test.

We perform our best when we believe we can accomplish the task–when we believe in ourselves. Sometimes, having someone believing in us contributed to some, however, definitely not all. We just ought to be the one to believe, we can do it.

Well, how to gain it, practice. Seek. Not be lazy. Be kind. Be humble. and have humility.

Today was fun

So, I went to workout today and it was nice. It is good to workout once in awhile because honestly, our body needs it. Even though, I bike to classes, this type of exercise is not intended nor on an interval, which is why intentional workout should be added in routine. The sweat and the feelings while exercising and after exercising is rewarding and I feel good that I had made a decision to excercise. My main purpose for working out  is to get my body energize and my heart pumping, for my system to feel alert and alive, for it to be awake and not lethargic. I did core, sit-up, plank, and some other exercise I do not the name. I mainly workout with my body and I typically don’t use the machine. The only type of exercising machine I used today was the stair ones, which move on an interval. It works similar to an escalator, and I workout by walking up the elevator or in this case the stairs. Working on this machine targeted my calves muscles and my thighs, which I had like for this part of my body to be firm and lean. My motive for working out is to burn fat and calories, as  well as to be leaner and fit. I had like to move easily and gain the agility to stay healthy and feel good about life and my body. I ran for quite sometimes, I did not over exhausted my running because today is my first day and ideally, I had like to keep this up by coming to the gym regularly. I had like my exercise to be fun and not seem like chore or something I had to do because then I will not be likely to come back. I had like to be more punctual, which if I have to be honest, I typically don’t come to the gym regularly. I maintain my weigh by eating nondairy or non-meat, except I do eat seafoods and eggs.

I am not fat or muscular. I am fine, but if I workout more often then I am certain that my stomach would be more lean and tight, which I liked 🙂

Anyway, I also played badminton today at the badminton’s club in the gym, which was fun. I met new people and some I have already seen. One new person I met was named Bryan. I learned that his parents are from Mexico. I guessed he was perhaps Arabic or Indian Asians, however, I was incorrect. He mentioned that the badminton’s club mainly consist of Asians and there is perhaps one white person and I thought that was funny. I didn’t view it in that that way, but now that he mentioned it, it was certainly true.

Anyway, I think Bryan was trying to get to know me better by mentioning if there is any film I had like to see, which I told him honestly that I barely know what’s on air. Plus, I already have a bf. Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair for my bf or for me to proceed.

I am glad that I am reminded to blog again. Blogging certainly is good for my brain and emotion, since this allows me to reflect on thing I enjoyed about my day. For me, this blog acts as my diary. I type a story about my day, what happened and I highly think that this will lead to the appreciation of life, making a better choice and decision, as well as happiness.