My mind is running at 25 miles per hour

I’m laying my bed typing my 25 mile per hour thought. This is call being anxious. Maybe. But also drunken by the smell of the bacon sous egg bites from a 5-hour work day. It is crazy. I was fast but I was just anxious. It was so busy that my mind feels weird resting. I couldn’t really breath for hours. There were so much stimuli happening within that short period of peaks. It’s like your blood sugar spikes so so high that when it clashes, you don’t know what to do—in shock. 85 just felt like walking in the moon (because I’ve felt nothing like it). There were so so much going on that I had an epiphany of heart attack. One quick pain and then gone at 23. So many craziness that makes me want to scream or throw it all up. I feel overwhelmed. I hold myself in. The bacon Gouda in my system. I could’ve turn into bacon. However, fried. I’m listening to musics. They did some to distract my 25 mile-per-hour drive. Non-stop. Here we go. Ready, set, take-off. I can’t wait to land on my peacefulness. R.I.P p.s. this is not a suicide note. It just felt like it describing. An epiphany of being on the fastest elevator. The mind is a place of fascination not even compared to anything Disney.

The importance of being in the word

If I wanted to clarify the total a bit more, it would be “the necessity of reading the Bible and seeking the truth that God had in-store for everyone.” I get to witness many many times why I need to be in touch with God himself and His teachings. I failed times and times when I let myself be the center of my life instead of letting God does what he did best always. But in order for God to be God even though He is one anyway, I need to allow Him to be smoothly. He doesn’t need my approval to work my life but it’s just better with no reason to acknowledge Him and beautiful master piece for my life. God is beyond any comparison of this world. It’s beyond free money-401(k) or retirement savings. He’s unconditional with no whatsoever conflict of interest. It’s the free love with no return but I would have to have the heart to receive it too for a maximum result. I don’t like comparing God’s love, because it really is non-comparable to anything of this world. God does answer prayers that go according to His great and amazing plans. He never forsake or abandon me. I still continue to learn that times-after-times again. My journey with him have a…

This is not my story

But people are dumb. I’ve been dumb. But some people really are dumb when it comes to love. It just show even more how broken the world we live in now are honestly. Heart break seems to get the best of us and some of us are lucky to not have experienced it, so you might now understand what I am about to say. Luckily or may be not luckily I have dealt with break ups–two of them to be exact. What I learn is that the more I gave the painful the break up was and the less I gave, the less painful was the break up!

The reason why I am writing this right now is to relieve the feeling I have. I honestly have hard time listening or learning about painful experiences from someone. It frustrated me knowing that there is no quick fix and that people are fools. So I don’t know how I ended uo talking this guy but sooner than later we drove pretty deep into our life experiences and with enough time, I started to figure out that this guy is in pain and that he had recently experience a break up of 6 years and this all happened 3 months ago, so it is a pretty recent wound. I tried to talk him to feel better about what happened but like all fools, he does not listen but feel how he feels about his ex and still care about her. I cannot blame him though because his break up is very recent and it was 6 years of his life with someone. So I am trying to collect my thought and be as sympathetic as much as I can because I got a little annoyed with him, so I just stop texting, trying to help because he just didn’t get any senses. He was not able to see thing objectively, which I mean again only time will heal. That is all I could complain about him I supposed, but what a fool. I am a fool too.

running thought

it is 2:30 a.m. The best part about my day today was skating at the park. It was relaxing. I was hoping to get my mind of things that are bothering me. Skating or playing tennis serve as an escape. However, my mind if still thinking something that is bothering me. I felt tired but my mind kept running about something that I couldn’t resolved, so here I am trying to organize my feeling to figure out exactly what is bothering me about today’s experience. I am going to be honest, so I could gained some clarity.

I think what has been bothering me was the lunch I had today with a coworker I met at work. Maybe there is something that made me uncomfortable. So I like chill out and not think too much about anything. But for some reasons I didn’t feel completely myself around the person. First off, I hate waiting for people and I waited 30 minutes for him to show up. That was not fun. It was disappointing and I would hate if I do that to others. The talking was meh too, it seems too shallow for me. I like to get deeper than the surface when it comes to conversation, but the conversation was just kind of boring. I personally do not like lunch or eating related meet-up in general because I would have to eat and talk almost at the same time and it was just bad timing. Next time, I will not agree to any of the eating related get-to-know someone meeting. Period. It was too uncomfortable. Yeah, the date was honestly just boring and I feel like I didn’t get any exchange of information, in another word, I feel like I didn’t really learn much about the person, but oh well. This is just coming from my point of view. I also hated it when people think I am sweet, simply for their first impression of me. I know I am not “sweet,” and the assumption was kind of agin bothersome. I am just me. Someone who is brutally honest with the people I know and definitely not sweet. What else, yeah the meeting was just not fun and I will not be agreeing for the second meeting. It is just not my vibe and I think the reason it has been bothering me was because it didn’t went well and I need to learn not to be caught up in something that I can’t control. I’ve had about 5 meeting with different people this month, which seem like a lot, but still I didn’t feel any sort of awkwardness or uncomfortability. Also, I feel like it is only awkward if you make it so.

Another lesson I learn is to not be more than friend with people I work with. It is just uncomfortable if something went wrong. It is definitely not something pleasant and I am learning it for the second time now and it won’t be the third time around. Period. Twice is enough. So all in all, I just wanted vent that there are situations that you can’t control and it is something that already happened and there is no need to worry about. Next time, assess the situation better. If it might seem uncomfortable then don’t do it. If the pros weight less than the cons then better not to act on it even though in the moment you didn’t really see what could go wrong. I am guilty of having a double standard also, so I can’t fault him for feeling a certain way because I would definitely feel the same way if that were to happened to me. But again there was no damage being done, therefore, I would just forget about the incident. Therefore, I understand where he was coming from, but I might have handle it differently. But that still didn’t excuse the fact that the conversation was not engaging for me. Still, it is ok that all of this happened and I am not going to beat myself up for it. I need to learn not to worry about things I can’t control and that not everything will go according to my expectation. Let it go and move-on, there is really nothing to worry about. It will passed and life goes on with or without me. I have goals and dreams I need to full-fill. There are so much more to do and to live for. Don’t let one set back beat yourself up and make you worry that cause you to not fall asleep like usual. This is, again, another lesson learn and it is good. You know what you learn to like or dislike. I also need to also learn to say no sometimes and I am really bad at this. There are many times where I just cannot say no when someone ask to hangout. So I need to learn to be strong and say “no.”

The lesson learn are:

-don’t worry about something you can’t control

-learn to say NO

-if things do not go according to expectation, don’t beat yourself up

-you only make it awkward if you feel it; deception makes it reality

Ok I take it back partially that the date didn’t went well. The conversation wasn’t entirely boring, but perhaps the situation was not something I preferred. There are so many things gone wronged that just makes the meeting sucks. I take most of it back. There was just more things gone wrongs than rights and it made the entire date sucks. So, all in all I just need to calm myself down and breath. Next time, choose a low-key kind of date where you know you can handle and feel comfortable.

Dates you like

-walking in the park

-doing activities

Dates you don’t like (even though you did give it a try):

  • having to have a meal sort of date (except picnic)
  • watching a movie date

Post-Graduation Virtual Ceremony

Man I can’t believe it. I am overwhelm with unexplainable joy and full of gratitude from congratulated words by friends, teachers, family and relatives. These people mean the world to me for just taking their time to Love, Like, or Comment on my post about sharing my virtual graduation link on Facebook. I mean blessed Facebook for providing a platform and opportunity to connect with my relatives, friends, and family from Thailand. I am so touched and thrilled by all the comments and likes I’ve received. You have to idea how much you taking time to congratulate means to me. It means the world. It means you sharing your experience with me. It means you still remember me and I do still and always will remember you even though I have not been back to visit in years. I hope to visit soon, very soon because I need to catch-up with them and just hug them and to see how they’re all doing. I miss them. Thailand is part of my amazing, wild, and wondrous childhood that I could not trade for anything else. I am blessed to my have time there and it will always be my home. So to all my relatives back homes as well as loved ones back home and here, to all the friends and families, I appreciate you guys. I would make sure to visit you in Thailand when I go back just like the time you took to acknowledge my post. I never thought graduation was a big deal, but it became a big deal because of you all. You’ve made it very special for me to celebrate. Even though this graduation strictly seems to only congratulate me. I wanted to use this time to congratulate you for being part of my life, my childhood, and has a say and shape who I am today. You’re all part of it and part of my journey. Thank you for stopped your scrolling to give a thought of me. I really am thankful.

Well well it is the Class of 2020

Well well, I am back at it again for another doodling project of mine. The fun and it was always part of the unplanned because I write whenever I feel “things.” I write because I want to let my feelings out. I don’t know if I am a feeling kind of person necessarily, but if I think hard enough, my actions were driven by how I feel. I don’t really plan things. I hardly do. It is a moment sort of thing. I do plan sometimes, but I certainly did not plan on writing about my graduation! And that I am indeed part of the Class of 2020! The corona, the almost going to war, the crazy Trump presidency, I mean lots of things had happened and still is happening like the Covid-19. Needless to say, I am feeling the celebration.

It is weird that I didn’t actually want to celebrate, like I couldn’t careless about graduation celebration ABCD. One, I don’t feel important. Two, I don’t like that graduation symbolizes success crap. Three, I don’t have three. But I honestly have a mixed feeling when it comes to graduation. I think it is cliche and too inside the box. Like everyone had to do the same thing. Isn’t it repetitive, yeah. I don’t know I feel like a party pooper, but I only like graduation probably only for the inspirational speech and people decided to goof off when they walk on stage, that’s it.

I have a mixed feeling because, I mean you hear people say this all the time, but it does feel weird to go into the “real” world as if you living isn’t real enough. I guess a more descriptive way of explaining is the fear of the unknown. Think about it, most of you and me, we were in school for how many years already, 20 for me. I started school at maybe 2 or 3. Crazy right. Like we’re used to the system and surrounding. The basic waiting and waiting for everything. We hardly ever have to start anything ourselves. We were told what to do and now who is going to tell us. We have to leave and bye bye. You do not belong here anymore. I am having a crazy stomach feeling as I am typing this. If I am correct, it is the feeling of nervousness. I am used to the system. I am sad. I think that’s why I was feeling meh about this whole thing. It is kind of scary and I didn’t think I was going to feel this way. It is a moment thing. I feel this way right now but I will feel better later; by the time I finish writing. I remembered always wanting to leave pre-school whenever I arrived there. I didn’t like that place but what’s funny is that I am kind of half hearted feeling that way right now just the opposite. I am not sure what I am feeling weird about. I think I might know, may be it is feeling of the “I could have” sort of idea, like the feeling that I can’t take any of it back, because it flew by and you just missed it until you realized when it is too late. It is like the feeling that you didn’t know what you have until it’s gone. It is the feeling of regret and that is not the feeling I particularly enjoyed. It is the worse feeling in the world. The question is what am I regretting about. Is it not getting drunk, is it not partying, is not not smoking weed, is it not knowing what else I could have’s. Is it not studying enough for exams when I know I could do better? I think I fear of not living to the fullest. I fear I wasted it something; time, moment, opportunity, relationship, idk. I fear that, no matter what it had be. It is funny because when I graduated from high school, my church teacher gave me a book called “How to Not Waste Your Life,” isn’t ironic. I feel like it didn’t reap the experience well enough, I fear losing. I fear what I can’t take back. It is weird, but that’s how I feel. I do want to go back, actually no I can’t go back. It is impossible, from what I know there is no such thing as a time machine. It is only in movies. I hear people say all the time that the past makes up who you are and yes, I have to agree to that and stick to it; believe that it is true. I do fear change. I am scare of not making the past pretty enough for my best work. Like I am doom because my past was not the best I can do. I think these feelings are; I don’t know if it is normal.. I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this crisis ever in the world. I tried to look on the bright side to everything. I do. Life is too short to be miserable. I am grateful up until this point actually. I feel lucky a lot and I had to fight for things and things just does not come to me I have to work for it. No matter what they are I have to work at it. I mean God helped shape me too and I owed that to Him. He is my comforter. He is the one that brought all the people I’ve met.

I have to say that more than anything I am grateful and that is the IT word. I just am. For everything. For what I have, eat, sleep on, type on, play game on, talk to people on, FaceTime my dad, mom, drive, ride, cook, bake, grill, clean, wash…

I just am glad to exist and living, but it is time to actually Live, to feel alive to love and to laugh.

It has been awhile pt.1

So Yeah, it has been a while since the last time I write something.

Something inspired me to write again. No, I’m not ranting because I am going through a hard time. Things have been going good. I slowly found myself again, which is always good. I will keep finding myself. The person I am, embrace it.

There is honestly nothing more fun than hanging out with friends. Like legit, it is fun to have fun with friends. This is not underrated. Not everyone is the same, but I honestly do not understand how someone could be alone and will not reach out to anyone. Of course, I am not them and I am trying to empathetic. But anyhow, I am glad I can find people I like hang out with. It is a blessing and I am thankful.

I hope to keep on building friendship with people. It is great.

Anyhow I am glad that I get to reflect on my thought today.

Anyway, I met someone, not like what you think, but someone invited me to coffee!

Not going to lie, I would say yes for that. Now that I know that I dislike dinner date and movie date. Both is a no no. Big time. So it was a good choice in him to ask me for coffee, I would say yes.

I do not want to limit myself. That would be a bad learning experience. Of course, it would be a bit uncomfortable in a sense that I would not know how it would go down. Regardless I think it is amazing I get this opportunity. How it will turn out I don’t know, but it would be a good experience.

First of I know that it would be awhile for me to settle down with anyone. I am quite certain about that. I do not think anything could truly stop me from having fun and enjoying getting to know people. So asking me to settle down or be someone girlfriend, right now is a no. Most likely. Because 1) I have an ideal about how relationship is suppose to be, and most people would not be able to meet that I assume. It is not crazy or anything, but I feel like most guys nowadays or at least the one I have met are not going to have the same ideal as me. That’s why it important to talk and see where they stand. What they like? Who are they really as a person. Hopefully I could pay enough attention and listen for answer, which I will try.

A guy who cannot communicate is a no like my life is already complicated, I do not want additional complication and especially when things are going good right now with everything. I am enjoying my life. I know that I am independent, but still like to have fun and socialize with people. Having good company with good conversation is something I enjoy, no matter where that takes me.

So I like someone honest, open to deep talk. Someone I can connect with on emotional level. Without it, probably won’t last.

In the past I did not really know what I was looking for per se. I also tend to be with a guy who is the opposite from me :/ And the one that I do get along with, I just did not like them.

Anyway, dating or being in a relationship is not my priority. I enjoy getting to know you first. Be your “friend.” So, I will still have fun, yet be intentional about it. I have my list so I know them. I will not judge book by cover. I will try to read and see if it is the book I would buy. Because I think I know what I want.

If I were to go on a date, it will not be more than 1 hr. that will be a max. No matter what.  I will listen more. I will ask question sometimes. Even though I would be tempted to talk. I will be honest and real because otherwise I cheating someone and myself. I like the idea of a coffee, I do not mind that at all.

We will see what happens, I will be myself but within bound 🙂

The other day I was going to reflect on something I thought of writing, but of course, now, I forgot what I had plan to write. Bummer. What was it though.

 

Also, another advice I would give to myself is to be focus and not waste time having fun on something that is not. As simple as that. Not only is it not it, but since you do know what you want, then don’t waste time on the thing you know will not work. Learn from your mistake.

What I learned

What I learned a hope to improve is the amount of time ones should learn to get over a break up. People often said the amount of time to get over a breakup varies on the couple/relationship etc. I had though that if the break up was bad or the relationship was messy then, for me at least, might take some times than a clean cut, nice break up.

I tried not to talk about it on my blog as of now. As I’m going through it and I also don’t want to jinx anything. Because so far, I thank God for the motion.

Little improvements are still progress and that is the best I could have been thankful for.

I think about it less and less as times go on. The intensity also decreases.

I’m thankful for everything. I also sorry for something.

Life is…

Life is peaceful and calm. Emotion is steady. It’s 3:03 PM on Tuesday. My Thanksgiving Break began. No wonder it feels nice.

My love language couldn’t be any stronger than what it is and that put me in a good mood. After I washed the dishes, she made me cereal and I was touched. I know it might sounds weird, that I felt tough just because she made me cereal, but I am.

Last night, I thought about how I haven’t been as thankful as I should and I think not being so could make life not as happy as I could be.

So, I wanted to be thankful for everything that happened thus far. Although, there had been experiences, in which, I regretted. However, I can’t dwell on the idea because sometimes the past remains the past and as much as I want to, I can’t go back and fix it. All I could do now is with the moment that I have.

I didn’t quite regretted a lot in life, but I could now say that I regretted one thing and I don’t if this will continue to be the thing I regretted, or over time I will learned to see that the good in it; that it happened for a reason–that it were meant to end the way it did.

I love how I started of hopeful, but slowly transitioned to a little sad story.

Anyhow, I hope I will do ok more and more each day and I hope he’s doing ok as well.