It has been awhile

It has been awhile, since I visited WordPress to express my thoughts and running emotions. I came here as a place to let loose and pour in my fears, happiness, sadness, and sometimes frustrations. All the emotions make realized that I am alive– living and experiencing the beauty of it all.

It has always been difficult for me to express my emotions, which I rarely do so, not even with the people closest to my life. Instead, I pour them in here. It is simply between me and a computer screen– hearing myself type on the keyboard, hitting back space and the period to end sentences. It has always been hard for me to even let loose and tell people how I feel. Now, I have noticed that I’ve been doing it more. It is still scary how I am letting random people, people whom I recently met know so much more about me. I don’t know if they truly know me though.

You know, I don’t have a lot of crunches, I have one here and there. I remembered my last crush was during high school. Of course, I didn’t do anything, because I not sure how to when in reality, I think you can simply talk to the person. Hahaha, it is easier say than done, absolutely. I hate admitting it, but it is true that I recently having a crush on a guy at my church. He is cute. He has the cutest smile. He is clean and dress really nice. He’s totally my type. I noticed him the first time in physics lab. He was cute and his sense of style was great. I like what I saw, but it is not like I am going to do anything. It is that feeling when you love a dress, you look at it behind a glass wall and you simply admired and walked passed it. It was pleasing and super gorgeous, and I can only thinking to myself, it must be super expensive and it doesn’t seem like it might fit, so I just sort forgot and moved-on. Not until, one day I met him again during our way to physics lecture, when I noticed, “Oh man, do you go to Redeemer?” I asked him because he was wearing a Redeemer shirt, which is a church that I recently been to and liked. We had a quick conversation and I found out he led a GC group. He was friendly and the next time we saw each other at physics lab that he added me to his GC Group Me. He also added on Facebook later in the week, which I was ecstatic when he did because I messaged him and said “Thank you so much for adding on facebook, how do you feel about the test?!” Oh boy, did I get a response back. I never did. He read the message, but nothing. I was like, ok, this is clear. He is NOT interested. oh, well, move-on, far gone. Well, we met again recently at church and that’s when I went to say “hi” to him. He gave me a hug like typical, I didn’t think anything too much of it. He is simply a nice person. But, boy, the week after at church, he would be within my eye site, and I can’t help it again, but said “Hi.” He invited me to his GC and of course I didn’t go because I don’t know anyone there and I don’t know if I would be uncomfortable, plus I just don’t chase after guys, it is way out of my comfort zone and it isn’t something I naturally do. In addition, his GC night falls during one of my SI for anatomy, which is an extra tutoring class I like going to because it help be do better in the class. Regardless, even if I were to make it to his GC, oh boy, I don’t even know how I would act. I act kind da funny when it comes to someone I sort ta like and I like to avoid them as well.

I just have to let this off my chest because may be he is talking to a girl he really likes or even better is he has a girlfriend. Oh man, what a story, right.

I think I am just going to either give it a try or not do anything. he has the outward appearance that I like. But am I just basing out of simply that. Beside the appearance, he should be godly as well and is someone who is interested in developing his relationship with God. Talking about that, instead of wondering about a guy, I should be focusing more on growing my relationship with God because he knows everything.

I think God knows the right time and he works the miracle. I truly think that he has the one for me. I am not going to worry, but do my best to live in a way that has God included in every inch of my walk, talk, and actions. I need to keep in mind that good things comes to those who waits. Meanwhile, a relationship with God is utterly important. Perhaps another reason for me to feel sort of bad about is that I am not going to a GC because I like a guy that is simply a bad reason to go. I want to go to a GC because I want to hear what God has to inform me. I absolutely think that I need to be diligent in my relationship with God because he loves and truly delivers the best present.

I think I am going to wrapped up tonight and realized that having crushes is not a bad thing, but that I must not get to deep into it and having the story written in my head than actually experiencing it. I either need to do something or just move-on, which more than 90% of the time, I just moved-on– I can easily do without a doubt. I don’t think I will see him next Sunday either, because one of my friend who I typically go to church with is going to the earlier service, so I might not see him and it will be okay. I didn’t talk to him today (Sunday) because he has so many guys he was talking to. I think having a crush feels burdensome and I didn’t like it, I think I should move-on soon if I am not planning on making a move. I either have to go to his GC or that’s it. I would be more comfortable with just going to a coffee shop and talk, but would I ask him out like that? Highly unlikely.

Anyway I am going to end this tonight and yeah. Goodnight, sleep tight, but as I always added “but not too tight.”

P.s. another one of my fear is that I am being too shallow, because I do like his smile and overall look and of course I value his Godliness, but I don’t want to be superficial because there is other guys at church who is godly too, but they are simply not as attractive as my crush. I don’t want to be shallow in my way and that scares me because if I base of on that then I don’t think that is a good idea because it is not going to be meaningful.

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Why I suck at not doing things at the last minute

I had to wait to the last minute to complete a task. There is definitely a better idea than doing such. Perhaps, somehow I will be a able to trick my brain to start and complete a task well while not having to wait to do it at the last minute. I guess is to just do it. The not so simple task can in fact be perform simply-easily. Stop prolonging the task, stop letting something come in between the intention. DO IT.

Ummm

Today is a Friday, opps never mind, it is a Saturday instead; a family week at my college where parents just seems to be flooded everywhere. It is nice to witness family time, but honestly, I wish I get to see mine as well, but again, there is a part of me that think it is okay and I can simply unto Thanksgiving to see them. uhhhh…

This week, I am determine to accomplish tasks I’ve set my mind to, finish MOST of my school works and get in-touch with my potential jobs at the lab. LET’S DO IT!

Yahhhhh..

You got this, do it, do it, do it.

Anyway, writing has been therapeutic. It is a pathway for me to release, especially when I live alone.

There is this guy is sort of like. But, I think he might be too young for me. There is also another guy I haven’t met, who is older, for sure, like 5 years older. Anyway, it is kind of fun. I, no the other hand, is by any means love stuff like this, the getting-to-know phrase. Being a introvert that I am, I don’t know if anyone will able to know me really. But again, I have goals and dreams that I want to pour my focus into, if someone were to come into my life, they must be worth it. If I see their effort and if I see their passion, I will also pour mine, in the right way. Does this sounds selfish, well, it can be, but I am looking for someone who will stick around, dependable, caring, and serious, so…I can wait. I am not in rush.

July 13

Today’s my birthday! I am so happy that I lived a full year. It is exciting, fun, and memorable. Receiving good wishing from loved ones; family and friends are the best part about my birthday. This especially goes to my lovely, the best sister in the entire world. My love, Gift. She is simply lovely and I am so glad to have her as my sister. I love her to the moon and back. Gift, like her name, is a very special person in my life. I would absolutely not trade her for anything. Gift, I love you and I am thankful to God for given you to be my sister. You made me laughed and cried with tears of happiness. You bring joy in to my life. You’re so silly and you’ve always been silly.

My dad is another person in my life whom I thankful for, all through and always. This man helped me in all aspects–from cooking, ironing my cloths (sometimes on special occasion), helping me move, carrying things, fixing stuff for me, and caring for me. I love him and thankful to have him as my dad. I love him and appreciate him so much. This man is also very funny, chill, and rarely worry about things.

My mom, I love her. Even though, we live far away. She is the ones who sympathized with me and worried for me and my well-being, sometimes, I feel like it’s nonsense, but that’s her and she cares for me. She is a kind of mom who will buy me foods and drinks whenever I want. I love you, mommy. She is easily alerted, but she is unique in her own ways.

This special day reminded me special people in my life. I am thankful and grateful for them. They kept me going~

My experience with a mentor

Sometimes with the trust in God, with his plan and dedication, He leads us to the path that is right for us.

As I walk into the health science center one day in the afternoon, looking for a particular person who does a hiring process for the lab at the medical center. I walked around looking for someone who can help answered my question. Ideally, I want to get a job working at the lab. I walked around and saw a sign that says “nutrition,” so I went inside, talk to the receptionists, explains to her my concern. The receptionist went to grab her superior and I went inside to talk to her, explain what I had told the receptionist she, by the name of I do not remembered, gave me two names of professors, which after I thanked her genuinely, left the room, dialed the number and made the call. A person I was trying to reach by the name of Dr. LC answered the call and that when the story begins.

With God helps and mercy, I was granted the opportunity to train under Dr. LC’s lab. The first time I met him when I came for our first appointment. He welcomed me in. I sat across from him at the his organize working table and he asked me “Why are you here and what do you hope to accomplish?” It was an on-point, straight forward question that I like. I told him my intention and for whatever reasons he accepted. We met again soon after and he couched me on numerous interesting topics. One thing I had say about Dr. LC is that he is a great story teller. He made it more meaningful, real, and vivid. He is honest and funny. He showed me around his lab. I met his wife there as well. They have one daughter named Alexandria.

Every time I met Dr. CL and by the end of our meeting I would walked out of his office as if I have just came out of a movie theater. It was a fun, exciting, and alarming experience I went through. It was exhilarating.

He told me to hit the book, to enjoy the process, to have passion, and to pour myself into science. He inspires me for his advice and his love of science–and in what he does. Rarely, have I met people who loves and passionate about what he/she does. People goes to work for many different reasons, Dr. CL goes to work because he enjoys it. I want to wake up and go to work because I love what I do. To find a reason to live. When I go to work, I want to wake up excited about my job or when I left for work, I want to also be able to look forward for the next day to come back–to always find a reason to come back, to love what I do. Aside from family, most people living in this society have a job and other responsibilities. When I have a family, job is something my family would most likely not involve, it’s something I will experience on my own aside from them. And I want that to be enjoyable as much as my time spent with my loved ones.

I want to get publish as well.

You Know Marriage has Pros and Cons

Growing up, I learned to see that marriage is more difficult than the good times. Therefore, I begin to understand why I am not fully enjoy the idea of being in a relationship. My dad always told me to focus in school. This voice rings in my head sometimes when it is convenience. I did not grow up doing things together with my family. I don’t see them spending time together very much. They don’t even sleep together because they were sometimes annoyed with each other. So marriage to me seems like a difficult thing more than pleasant, which is why the notion of being married seem more daunting than joyful.

I honestly think that my dad tries to make the marriage work as well, he calls my mom all the time oversea. He is the one who makes the effort, which is grand. I am not sure what he thinks. He doesn’t really discussed stuff like this to me. They also like to play the blame game, like children.

My sister and I on the other hand now realized that we should definitely keep in touch with each other. She is a person who knows me and saw all part of my goods and mischievous. I need to make the effort to be in a good relationship with her before being with anybody else. One thing I learned from my dad is that if you cannot love those closest to you well then how will you extend your love far away.  No matter how I had like to text my ex to explain to him that I still need to discover what I want before I can be with anyone, makes the most sense to me. It is not like I didn’t like him. I just need times to learn about myself. Anyway, I am glad I came to this analysis with this relationship, which is why relationship to me seems daunting and unnecessary pain than would otherwise been. It seems to me like a difficult task that isn’t worthwhile. There has been time when I thought that it is better off to simply be alone and happy than being with someone and miserable.

My parents does not even live together, however, remain married. They like each other. They care for each other. They have differences. Their personality is also different, but somehow they still remain marry and not get a divorce. I am glad they decided as such, otherwise, my sister and I would have had a different experience. No one in my dad nor my mom’ side have had a divorce. Divorce in my culture is heavily looked down upon. Once you vow to marry someone, you stay together until it works, as simply as that. You adjust, you work it out until it remains.

Another thing to learn from is how to not repeat my parents’ stories. I have heard that being together, partially, having to do with loving each other to an extend, but sometimes, love, in itself, may not necessarily kept the marriage, but rather, forgiveness is what kept it alive.

One thing to take note when it comes to relationship with family or whoever, is quality time and not being selfish or egolistic, but learning how to give without wanting in return. That right there, is part of the recipe. GIVE. I also need to add that honest and open minded communication also contribute to the deliciousness. ENDURANCE.

Now specifically regarding a relationship with a potential someone. I think that putting ourself in their shoes is important. The thought is also important, instead of wondering why won’t he text me back, it should be that it is okay that he won’t text me back, think it straight. Not texting back immediately does not mean that he is annoy with you nor doesn’t love/like you, it just means that he is doing something else or maybe he just doesn’t know how to reply back. And if he’s playing game with you then it is simply uncool and needed to be addressed. Not immediately reply to a text doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like/love you. It may not be anything to do personally.

It is simply as such, assumption kills the relationship. Cynicism also kills the relationship.  It is also not true that you cannot love anyone. You can love. But love and trust takes TIME and BALANCE OF POSITIVE ASSUMPTIONS —> UNDERSTANDING.

If I were to tell this to anyone, they must think I am mad. What is a purpose of living? No, no, I am not thinking short. It is just that I don’t understand the world we live in. Today, I am questioning my purpose? What if I become homeless? Living in the jungle? Is my purpose to please my family? To wish them well. My dad brought me here for a better life? I guessed so. Is it? It must have been. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made the decision?

Get education

Get a job

Work

Get marry

Have children

Live

Raise children

Pass on the genes

Live

Try to raise them well

Selfishness

Cycle

Eat

Quietness

What is our purpose?

What gives us our purpose?

Dear God, I must have forgotten my purpose of my I am on this earth.

I am cynical and skeptical. I demand questions. I watch a tv and starting to question.

If I were to tell this to my dad, he would simply laughed it off. If I tell this to my sister she would do the same and if I tell this to my mom, so would she too act the same.

That’s why I write it here. No feedback. Just me. What is the purpose of living? To be happy? I suppose.

I don’t understand.

If I were to say this thought to anyone, they must think I am crazy and is thinking short. But I am asking a question. I am not sure if I demand an answer.  I am saying what is the point when I am not happy.