Man I can’t believe it. I am overwhelm with unexplainable joy and full of gratitude from congratulated words by friends, teachers, family and relatives. These people mean the world to me for just taking their time to Love, Like, or Comment on my post about sharing my virtual graduation link on Facebook. I mean blessed Facebook for providing a platform and opportunity to connect with my relatives, friends, and family from Thailand. I am so touched and thrilled by all the comments and likes I’ve received. You have to idea how much you taking time to congratulate means to me. It means the world. It means you sharing your experience with me. It means you still remember me and I do still and always will remember you even though I have not been back to visit in years. I hope to visit soon, very soon because I need to catch-up with them and just hug them and to see how they’re all doing. I miss them. Thailand is part of my amazing, wild, and wondrous childhood that I could not trade for anything else. I am blessed to my have time there and it will always be my home. So to all my relatives back homes as well as loved ones back home and here, to all the friends and families, I appreciate you guys. I would make sure to visit you in Thailand when I go back just like the time you took to acknowledge my post. I never thought graduation was a big deal, but it became a big deal because of you all. You’ve made it very special for me to celebrate. Even though this graduation strictly seems to only congratulate me. I wanted to use this time to congratulate you for being part of my life, my childhood, and has a say and shape who I am today. You’re all part of it and part of my journey. Thank you for stopped your scrolling to give a thought of me. I really am thankful.
Well well, I am back at it again for another doodling project of mine. The fun and it was always part of the unplanned because I write whenever I feel “things.” I write because I want to let my feelings out. I don’t know if I am a feeling kind of person necessarily, but if I think hard enough, my actions were driven by how I feel. I don’t really plan things. I hardly do. It is a moment sort of thing. I do plan sometimes, but I certainly did not plan on writing about my graduation! And that I am indeed part of the Class of 2020! The corona, the almost going to war, the crazy Trump presidency, I mean lots of things had happened and still is happening like the Covid-19. Needless to say, I am feeling the celebration.
It is weird that I didn’t actually want to celebrate, like I couldn’t careless about graduation celebration ABCD. One, I don’t feel important. Two, I don’t like that graduation symbolizes success crap. Three, I don’t have three. But I honestly have a mixed feeling when it comes to graduation. I think it is cliche and too inside the box. Like everyone had to do the same thing. Isn’t it repetitive, yeah. I don’t know I feel like a party pooper, but I only like graduation probably only for the inspirational speech and people decided to goof off when they walk on stage, that’s it.
I have a mixed feeling because, I mean you hear people say this all the time, but it does feel weird to go into the “real” world as if you living isn’t real enough. I guess a more descriptive way of explaining is the fear of the unknown. Think about it, most of you and me, we were in school for how many years already, 20 for me. I started school at maybe 2 or 3. Crazy right. Like we’re used to the system and surrounding. The basic waiting and waiting for everything. We hardly ever have to start anything ourselves. We were told what to do and now who is going to tell us. We have to leave and bye bye. You do not belong here anymore. I am having a crazy stomach feeling as I am typing this. If I am correct, it is the feeling of nervousness. I am used to the system. I am sad. I think that’s why I was feeling meh about this whole thing. It is kind of scary and I didn’t think I was going to feel this way. It is a moment thing. I feel this way right now but I will feel better later; by the time I finish writing. I remembered always wanting to leave pre-school whenever I arrived there. I didn’t like that place but what’s funny is that I am kind of half hearted feeling that way right now just the opposite. I am not sure what I am feeling weird about. I think I might know, may be it is feeling of the “I could have” sort of idea, like the feeling that I can’t take any of it back, because it flew by and you just missed it until you realized when it is too late. It is like the feeling that you didn’t know what you have until it’s gone. It is the feeling of regret and that is not the feeling I particularly enjoyed. It is the worse feeling in the world. The question is what am I regretting about. Is it not getting drunk, is it not partying, is not not smoking weed, is it not knowing what else I could have’s. Is it not studying enough for exams when I know I could do better? I think I fear of not living to the fullest. I fear I wasted it something; time, moment, opportunity, relationship, idk. I fear that, no matter what it had be. It is funny because when I graduated from high school, my church teacher gave me a book called “How to Not Waste Your Life,” isn’t ironic. I feel like it didn’t reap the experience well enough, I fear losing. I fear what I can’t take back. It is weird, but that’s how I feel. I do want to go back, actually no I can’t go back. It is impossible, from what I know there is no such thing as a time machine. It is only in movies. I hear people say all the time that the past makes up who you are and yes, I have to agree to that and stick to it; believe that it is true. I do fear change. I am scare of not making the past pretty enough for my best work. Like I am doom because my past was not the best I can do. I think these feelings are; I don’t know if it is normal.. I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this crisis ever in the world. I tried to look on the bright side to everything. I do. Life is too short to be miserable. I am grateful up until this point actually. I feel lucky a lot and I had to fight for things and things just does not come to me I have to work for it. No matter what they are I have to work at it. I mean God helped shape me too and I owed that to Him. He is my comforter. He is the one that brought all the people I’ve met.
I have to say that more than anything I am grateful and that is the IT word. I just am. For everything. For what I have, eat, sleep on, type on, play game on, talk to people on, FaceTime my dad, mom, drive, ride, cook, bake, grill, clean, wash…
I just am glad to exist and living, but it is time to actually Live, to feel alive to love and to laugh.
So Yeah, it has been a while since the last time I write something.
Something inspired me to write again. No, I’m not ranting because I am going through a hard time. Things have been going good. I slowly found myself again, which is always good. I will keep finding myself. The person I am, embrace it.
There is honestly nothing more fun than hanging out with friends. Like legit, it is fun to have fun with friends. This is not underrated. Not everyone is the same, but I honestly do not understand how someone could be alone and will not reach out to anyone. Of course, I am not them and I am trying to empathetic. But anyhow, I am glad I can find people I like hang out with. It is a blessing and I am thankful.
I hope to keep on building friendship with people. It is great.
Anyhow I am glad that I get to reflect on my thought today.
Anyway, I met someone, not like what you think, but someone invited me to coffee!
Not going to lie, I would say yes for that. Now that I know that I dislike dinner date and movie date. Both is a no no. Big time. So it was a good choice in him to ask me for coffee, I would say yes.
I do not want to limit myself. That would be a bad learning experience. Of course, it would be a bit uncomfortable in a sense that I would not know how it would go down. Regardless I think it is amazing I get this opportunity. How it will turn out I don’t know, but it would be a good experience.
First of I know that it would be awhile for me to settle down with anyone. I am quite certain about that. I do not think anything could truly stop me from having fun and enjoying getting to know people. So asking me to settle down or be someone girlfriend, right now is a no. Most likely. Because 1) I have an ideal about how relationship is suppose to be, and most people would not be able to meet that I assume. It is not crazy or anything, but I feel like most guys nowadays or at least the one I have met are not going to have the same ideal as me. That’s why it important to talk and see where they stand. What they like? Who are they really as a person. Hopefully I could pay enough attention and listen for answer, which I will try.
A guy who cannot communicate is a no like my life is already complicated, I do not want additional complication and especially when things are going good right now with everything. I am enjoying my life. I know that I am independent, but still like to have fun and socialize with people. Having good company with good conversation is something I enjoy, no matter where that takes me.
So I like someone honest, open to deep talk. Someone I can connect with on emotional level. Without it, probably won’t last.
In the past I did not really know what I was looking for per se. I also tend to be with a guy who is the opposite from me And the one that I do get along with, I just did not like them.
Anyway, dating or being in a relationship is not my priority. I enjoy getting to know you first. Be your “friend.” So, I will still have fun, yet be intentional about it. I have my list so I know them. I will not judge book by cover. I will try to read and see if it is the book I would buy. Because I think I know what I want.
If I were to go on a date, it will not be more than 1 hr. that will be a max. No matter what. I will listen more. I will ask question sometimes. Even though I would be tempted to talk. I will be honest and real because otherwise I cheating someone and myself. I like the idea of a coffee, I do not mind that at all.
We will see what happens, I will be myself but within bound 🙂
The other day I was going to reflect on something I thought of writing, but of course, now, I forgot what I had plan to write. Bummer. What was it though.
Also, another advice I would give to myself is to be focus and not waste time having fun on something that is not. As simple as that. Not only is it not it, but since you do know what you want, then don’t waste time on the thing you know will not work. Learn from your mistake.
What I learned a hope to improve is the amount of time ones should learn to get over a break up. People often said the amount of time to get over a breakup varies on the couple/relationship etc. I had though that if the break up was bad or the relationship was messy then, for me at least, might take some times than a clean cut, nice break up.
I tried not to talk about it on my blog as of now. As I’m going through it and I also don’t want to jinx anything. Because so far, I thank God for the motion.
Little improvements are still progress and that is the best I could have been thankful for.
I think about it less and less as times go on. The intensity also decreases.
I’m thankful for everything. I also sorry for something.
Life is peaceful and calm. Emotion is steady. It’s 3:03 PM on Tuesday. My Thanksgiving Break began. No wonder it feels nice.
My love language couldn’t be any stronger than what it is and that put me in a good mood. After I washed the dishes, she made me cereal and I was touched. I know it might sounds weird, that I felt tough just because she made me cereal, but I am.
Last night, I thought about how I haven’t been as thankful as I should and I think not being so could make life not as happy as I could be.
So, I wanted to be thankful for everything that happened thus far. Although, there had been experiences, in which, I regretted. However, I can’t dwell on the idea because sometimes the past remains the past and as much as I want to, I can’t go back and fix it. All I could do now is with the moment that I have.
I didn’t quite regretted a lot in life, but I could now say that I regretted one thing and I don’t if this will continue to be the thing I regretted, or over time I will learned to see that the good in it; that it happened for a reason–that it were meant to end the way it did.
I love how I started of hopeful, but slowly transitioned to a little sad story.
Anyhow, I hope I will do ok more and more each day and I hope he’s doing ok as well.
Remember this feeling you have right now. When you are going. When you keep going. When you’re getting better, stronger. When know you’re doing better. When you’re pushing through. When you’re happy the fire is burning. When you starting to feel hopeful. When you starting to love yourself. When you’re growing. God has a plan. He always does. Things that happened to you, through it, He remains unchanged, faithful, and awesome. You’re in good hands. He loves you so so much to sent His Son to die for you on the cross, so that you can be redeemed and made known to Him. God is love. He is love and you’re loved by Him. When you’re o.k, this is more than enough. Know that things happened for a reason. It does. Trust in the process. Don’t force the outcome. And always gives thanks to God. Thank Him for the provision He has and His goodness.
If you forget, come back to this message and remind yourself times-and-times again until it’s nailed to you. Love yourself. God is love. Love yourself well in the process and don’t forget to love others too.
What do I want exactly?
What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌
There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.