Calendar

I drew a calendar to continue crossing it off for days I didn’t talk to him. The goal is achieve a consecutive crossing. Some said it take ~21 days to form a habit. I want to make this mine. It hasn’t been the easiest task, but it is going and the overall results were better. Results are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally better.

Isn’t a shame that I still wish to do things with him. It’s not necessarily doing it with anyone, but with him, together. People might say, I’m crazy. Heck, I think I’m kind of crazy. No, not kind of. I’m crazy.

We ended our conversation with him calling me not being empathetic that it’s a trait of a sociopath. Wow, right.

All I wanted was to talk to him. I miss him. But look what it had turned into.

Perhaps I received what I had prayed for. I haven’t loved anyone outside of my family. More like, I haven’t had romantic love. I can’t say that anyone more because I do. It’s a weird phenomenon.

I have it when it’s gone. I have it when the person have tried to move on. I have it when they don’t value it. I have it when loving is hard. And it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not being reciprocated.

I continue to learn even though, it ended. I need to keep my streak. Crossing it Day-by-day. Letting it heal me one-by-one. Making me grow.

There is no doubt I wish all of these interactions with him. No doubt I wanted it to be him. At the same time, I’m going into the fire. I’m burning myself. I’m hurting myself, my soul. My spirit. It hasn’t been uplifting. It has been anguished. Deceit. Turmoil.

It better off suffering in the pain called missing than living in the unmet, frustration, and unwillingness to get along.

There is doubt I love Chad Evans. Saying/typing this hurts. This heart break still taunt me day and night. It never completely subsided or gone away. It remained a question. Empty spaces that need to be filled. It represents a different lock and key that doesn’t quite open. It represents the unwillingness to be vulnerable. To trust. It represents having to turn the other way, to begin a different direction. It’s not a bad thing and is wise. The hardest part is what makes us human. It’s the emotion. The lingering ties, attachment, hope, and dreams.

I did felt complete at some point. It had been fulfilled. Yet, I cannot deal with anger. Knowing the person has it and it’s a trait that they have to make an active choice I get rid off. I can’t make them. I either have to accept or not accept. Accept means becoming desensitized to it every time it comes at me. Deny in this case is choosing what’s better for me because it’s out there.

This writing is meant to be something I love doing. I enjoy writing a lot. It’s beautiful that I enjoyed it. It’s something I want that person to also see that it’s beautiful just like I do.

I pray that the person I will marry is someone who would love God and strive to be more like him. To love like him, to love others like him. To be a patience person, to be kind. Is not quick to temper and anger. For us to put each other first. Care for each other in good times and in bad times. To be on the same team.

People change. They do. I do. He did. We can’t work through our differences, problems. We’re a different chapter in a different book that has somehow intersect each other’s lives. Perhaps were sat next to each other, side-by-side on the same bookshelf. We’re of a different genre.

CE and I.

I will continue to love and pray for you until I have to no more. Until, I feel no more for you. Until, I’m free.

Emotions and God, please help me.

Interesting part

The interesting part is that incompatibility is still something that isn’t cleared cut with me. I may not be the most important that he will not go out to do many things. Yet, there are times in which I still wanted to hang out/ talk to him. It’s very weird.

I don’t know if this is simply something I am used to or I just miss the guy again. It seems like. And I don’t want to settle. The question is should I simply do what I want to do to just ask to hangout or should I choose what is in the long run even though I may not know for sure.

This is the dilemma of the story. I want to hangout with him. For some reason.

He is not the type of person that I might end up with. That’s the sad truth of it all. I do love him. Maybe to some extent. I don’t know if it’s the symptom of missing being with someone or I am missing him.

Right now I didn’t want to hang out with anybody. It only seems to be just with him. I didn’t initiate to hangout or anything. So, I think I’m just going to simply try very hard to ignore him. To ignore this temporary feeling. Why would I keep going back when the last time it was a roller coaster. Did you not learn anything.

Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.

CE

C.E. was the initial of the guy I came to like and hold on to. A guy whom I don’t know the possibilities. A guy who is unknown. A guy who I need to study for a long time. A guy who I will be patience with. A guy who I will learn to have self-control with. I guy who has consumed my thought more than it should. A guy who I really like. I guy who I love and who brought me pain. A guy who I thought is physically handsome. A guy who I will simply need to learn more. A guy who takes time. A guy who I can’t rush. A guy whom I am not sure. A guy that seems a little bit risky. A guy who I might be willing to learn.

He caught my eyes the moment I saw him. A little may be. I don’t remembered it exactly. But I was going to talk to him regardless because we worked together.

A guy who can be considerate at times at his own will. A guy who I really like. Perhaps a guy who I should give him space. A little space.

Self-control. Self-control. Self-control. Have it.

Church

Well today, I went to church with Chad and Schuyler. Both should get along because who doesn’t get along with Schuyler Holland. I mean this guy is literally so friendly, kind, and genuine. Also very funny. He’s very punny as well. Then there is Chad. Umm, yup there is Chad.

Chad deserves his own paragraph because Chad just like Schuyler and me, I mean we’re all individual people, but yeah Chad is different. Perhaps, for now, he is. He is someone I grow to like. Someone I came to perhaps love. Someone who also brought me pain. Someone I don’t know where he is at. I’m sort of trying let go maybe. Sort of taking a step back with my troops. He is busy with his work. I get it. I will be busy too, but I can always find time for him because he has become someone I will make time for. I don’t know if he feels the same way now that I starting to like him. I scared of being hurt. You know what I am just going to go for it. I am going to do what I want to love and care for him even if it might be disappointed. I will bring him my grandma’s medicine for mosquitoes bite. Because I thought of it.

Anyhow someone (Emerson) once told me to not be afraid. I told me that I’m afraid of being disappointed in love. You know what I am not going to be scare of it anymore. I will do what I want. I will overcome this fear of rejection. Even if he rejected me well, then I learned so much, so so much. So so much more than being rejected. God is protecting me, watching over me. He has something for me. Perhaps he wanted me to learn to love. I don’t care anymore if what I did will got me rejected, because then so let it be it. Let me get rejected, let’s test it. Now I have a hypothesis that I am going to be rejected well, let’s test the hypothesis.

I also don’t know if I will be able to like Chad for a long time. That’s the question. Another test experiment. Will I still love him? With his personality. Am I merely just attracted to his look. I wasn’t in the beginning. I mean a little bit, not a lot. But I grew to like him. I found him more and more attractive. His hard shell. His hard demeanor. Not wanting to hold my hands sometimes. Etc.

Oh well, let just says it’s hard to predict him. I never knew his intention. I might be over thinking it, but I just quite don’t understand it at times. Anyhow I’m going to be patience and wait. I’m going to guard my heart, but still give. I have to ask myself why am I doing this. Perhaps I want my love to be returned. I want his heart. I want him to love me. Is this right? So I’m doing it to get my love return? What if it’s not well then I’ll know that I’ve given my all, it’s just simply not being return and I think I can live with that knowing that I’ve done my best.

What if we’re not meant to be together. What if the past has shown itself. Well, the past want my best. It wasn’t my best. Therefore, doubt is still there. So this time, I will actually tried, it’s just a few thing of my day to do.

I’ve not really done that. But I can. Because I love the person.

Dear Lord, please protect and give me self-control. Please allow me to not be loose in my way and to guard my body and heart. I asked you to help not to settle and not be blindsided by simply his looks. That I truly see through him and see if he’s in fact is or is not the guy for me. I asked that you give me patience, kindness, and love for everyone. I asked that you help me with my choices and decisions. I asked that I will not be fool that you would give me freedom. I asked that you help keep my heart strong.

I asked that you will make me grow. Thank you Jesus for giving friends and families. I prayed that I’ll learn to focus most on the things above for that is where I will be. That I will prepare myself, for the things of the above.

thank you, Jesus for everything. Please help me focus my priorities and to be content, Lord. In your name. Amen.

Life, Love, and Pain

The beauty of life is perhaps the unknown. It’s the not knowing.

Often time life is not planed. Unexpected. It’s something beautiful and interesting.

I rushed in it for perhaps the instant gratification. I don’t know. But is that a wrong start.

I met Chad Evans at the lab that I worked. Right away, he was attractive. Tall, clean. He was handsome. But there is something off about him. His posture. His sense of self. Something wasn’t quite right. Over time I got to know him, he helped tutored me. I started to like him. Pretty fast, but I still don’t know if it’s long term. The pace of our relationships was fast. We basically began to live together. Cook together. Do almost everything together in our apartment.

We didn’t quite go outside much. Because he doesn’t particularly liked it. I was ok in the beginning, but over time I began to want to do more things outside of our regular routine.

There were perhaps differences we starting to see in each other.

I like him. I still do. I’m still attracted to him. His smell, his face, and his hair. It’s quite superficial. But I am attracted.

Overtime I started to notice qualities, in which, he has that I am not particularly fond or a fan of.

He can get really upset, easily frustrated.

He doesn’t like to go out as much, which was also another source of frustration.

We don’t agree on something. Choice of food etc.

I like hugging, kissing, and making out with him. But beyond that I don’t know if there is more to the physical attraction.

I want someone who would protect me. I can protect myself, it’s just having someone who I knew, would, is comforting.

I want someone who I can laugh with a lot.

I want someone who love God just as much as or more than I do.

Chad is someone I don’t know the answer to quite yet. I don’t want him to be something that I hold on to. I want to see if I can enjoy doing things with.

I enjoy cooking with him. I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy doing indoor things with him.

I also wanted to enjoy doing outdoor things with him.

Beside our problems, I wonder what else we could talk about. I wonder what are the depth of our conversation. Is there any?

I wondered what else we could talked about. Perhaps going to places such as hiking could let us know more about each other. Can we enjoy spending time with each other or do we just wanted to leave.

How our dates go? What does it feels like.

Of course how do I feel.

What do I want?

Am I happy?

What do I see in him?

Do I like him or do I like having him or do I like the relationship or do I not wanting to be alone

He felt restricted. He said to tone it down. I can tone it down, but do we have the thing I’ve been searching for. If we don’t then, perhaps maybe I’m reaching my conclusion.

Perhaps this will the lessons I will learn a lot. Lessons of the life time. Lessons God had given to me to figure out. Lessons He knew I would benefited. Lessons in which I learn.

Lessons of weighting, balancing, being happy on my own. Lessons of communication. Lesson of liking a guy in the unknown.

It’s not my fault

It’s not my fault that I happened to date someone who is unemotionally Unavailable, with previous relationship emotional baggage. It is not my fault that that relationship has left me pain that I am healing. It probably hurt me more than what I had intended. I need this time to fully heal. To recover, gain strength, and to feel whole on my own. It is crucial that I gain and are going through this process. As much as heartbreak is somewhat a normal part of relationship, one way or another, we lost now or later, we will eventually experience lost. Nothing last forever, even some of our memory faded or disappeared. Yet, there will be some that we won’t ever seem to forget, no matter how much we want it.

This has indeed marked, so far, the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I am not sure why it hurted so much, but it did.

I want to instead focused on the hurt and become fearful, I wanted to focus on the positive and lessons learned.

Chad, I now realized what it is like to love someone even when it hurts. I miss you. I want to let you go and time will help me. I didn’t think it was that easy for me to love, but perhaps I experienced lost that’s why I also learned to love. It hurts, I feel it. Every single drop. It has been 3 months and tears are still coming out. The emotion I seemed to let it flows. I feel. I don’t want this pain to stop me from experiencing love I may embarked in the future. You will and always will have a special place in my heart. No matter what had happened, at least I know my love for you was real. I truly wish you the best in what ever you do. I truly do. I couldn’t fully said that before, but I can now thanked and love you more. I don’t want to care, which type of love you have/had for me. But I at least know, I did love you and that’s already beyond words could describe. No matter how I have told you that I wanted to forget everything about an ex. Well, I only wanted to do that to move-on and keep-going. I know I cannot and will not want to stay stuck in the past. I don’t want to. I truly wish you the best in everything you do. Learn to be positive and be thankful and to love what you do and the opportunity you have been given. My dad told me you’re like a public transportation, you came and you go. How do I put this, it has been such an intense 3-4 months for me. Who knows such small amount of times could bombarded this much. For all the hurtful things I’ve said/texted you, I hope you would be able to forgive me. It was something I can’t take back, but what I can say is that I am imperfect and is still at the end of the day, a sinner. Chad, also sorry for accusing something about you that perhaps may not be true. Regarding, you not being able to forget your ex, etc. And also sorry for being able to understand you at times or not being as empathetic as much as I could. At the end of the day, what were the good memories are what hurts the most because I know I couldn’t get them back or have them with you. I feel more intensely than you think I did, hah. Were you surprised? Or were you already knew it was a fa├žade. It is not a luv ya, an emoji heart, or a least than 3 with a letter U, but in fact, an I love you, Chad Ryan Evans. You sucky piece of poo. You who took my heart and break it to pieces. You who didn’t return my love. You whom God may not have intended for me to be with. You who I literally thought was the cutest person in the world. You the one who is so arrogant, narcotic that its hurts and frustrating. You who is so picky that it bugs me. You you hated avocado. You who is so quiet that is hard to predict. You who is so mean to me when you’re mad. You who teach me many things. You who made me love Chick-Fill-A. You who took me to so many expensive restaurants. You who I really still think is physically handsome. You, who I wished could have been more adventurous, manly more of a gentlemen, more gentle, patience, and less frustrated. You who had everything going on for you, but still hasn’t reach your full-potential. You, whose posture could have been a lot more handsome as he looked. I’m not lying that the more I know you and getting a better look at you, I truly thought you became more and more handsome even more than my crush, Davis. I don’t really care what you had or felt with your first love, but I am thankful for having had met you, getting to you know, see how you think, and your view on life, people. To learn about your past experiences, etc. Chad, I love you and thank you for coming into my life. I love you.

Why Waking Up Early is such an Asset

It’s not a surprise to learn that waking up early is such an asset as we have more time to do more things than say sleep. Not that sleep isn’t important as we definitely need sleep to properly function because we could be waking up early but felt tired because of the lack of sleep and proper rest. Anyhow, getting up early and getting enough, quality sleep are two activities that enhanced one another, meaning if one goes well the other would also follow along or if one is insufficient, the other would be also.

Frankly, I didn’t get enough of sleep last night and I am operating on a 4 hours of sleep today, which I am not a big fan of doing. I’ve heard that Teddy Roosevelt and perhaps other famous people felt adequate enough with only a few hours of sleep and they are good to function. However, many research have supported the importance of getting approximately at least 8 hours of sleep of most of us with the exception of the elderly.

In my opinion, how much each individual need to rest can also be entirely up to them, but quality of sleep also needs to be emphasized as long hours of rest doesn’t mean that it is a well, rested one.

It is recommended that we go to bed early to also get up early as a habit.

Now that I’ve been getting up early today, I’ve noticed I was able to get more things done and more time to do things I necessarily would considered doing. I was also able to get a study spot that would normally be filled during the day, but since I was early I didn’t have any problem finding empty spaces. I was able to talk to my friends via SnapChat and iMessenger because I have the time that would normally be running on hectic schedule of the day.

It is a blessing to wake up early and start of my day earlier as well. As far as my plan goes, I had wish to continue this operation, however, it wouldn’t be achieve successfully in the long run without having to go to bed early as well.


Beside the realization of doing something such as getting up early today. I also realized how important and refreshing it is to do something out of my day-to-day schedule. Basically, to do something I wouldn’t normally do or even thought of doing. It is like adding new experiences to my life, which makes me think that I should strive to diversify my life by adding new experiences to my day-to-day basis.

If I haven’t gotten to wake up early and start my day early as well today, I wouldn’t have learn this thought or having a realization on the importance of diversify my life.


So for the past 3 months, my WordPress has been one of the most important outlet to pour my emotions and thoughts regarding an events that brought my frustration, sadness, and simply being lost in something I’ve once had, but wasn’t meant to have forever. This is definitely the first post that I was able to talk about something else beside those feelings and stories. Which I am glad I’ve reached this point of finally being able to write something beside them. It is a blessing that God has given me this happiness in writing. It is wonderful, amazing, and beyond words could profane. But I am glad I have this joy writing as something I find … in (beyond words could describe).


Looking back, every “bad” times will always faded or cleared. A lot of the clearing has been done by God who has always been faithful to me. His love truly has no beginning or an end. It is limitless and incomprehensible. If I have Him, I have everything I ever need. I am learning and still will be learning about events that happened in my life and I wonder what God has intended for me to take away as lessons. And whether I will continue to be stubborn and be strong in my conviction, believe, and values that I have.


I was listening one of the Christians’ radio last night that Christianity is a process of failing and getting back up again and again by the grace and mercy of God. And I really liked that because that certainly describe what it means to be a Christian to me. I am glad I’ve the way in which strongly conveyed to me the meaning of the word that I often time didn’t like to proclaim b/c of the associate stigma or meaning. But now I am able to say that I am a Christian and also be able to explain what Christianity means to me.


Beside all of the positives that are written above. The negatives that I feared of stepping or thinking back into was that events that I was battling within the last 3 months. I didn’t want to get into the thought and to be stuck it in. I think I have the ending to my story that I didn’t want a continuation of, until I’m comfortable enough to revisit to when no feelings were associated.

There are numerous possible factors, situations, feelings, and scenarios to the story, but in the end, it simply narrow down to one big factors when I decide to be with someone. Do they love the Lord and is pursuing Him. Is a person also a Christian? And if the answers are no then it is wise to day and to be forward with that the relationship will not goes beyond anything because faith and the love of God is (I know) the most important factors of my life and without this shared value and believe system, I am setting my self up for difficulties and possibly failures, unless God have certain plan for me. But as of now I learned that God’s word are not meant to be compromised.


 

Trust in God

I am really tempted to text my ex as I was learning about biochemistry and this instances reminded me of when he used to quizzed me about these scientific knowledge. I missed it so much, it is this aching feeling of really missing someone as if I were to see him, I would literally throw a big hug I could possibly could on him that is how much I missed him right now at this moment. I miss him to the point where I could cry, it is this longing feeling for someone I honestly had never had. Perhaps I have felt it with my family, but no one bedside my family did I had this strong feeling for missing for.

Even though I miss him so much. Feelings are not fact. I will not interfere with God’s plan . I am not going to be tempted by mere feelings that comes and goes after breakup. God is what I need and I trust in his plan for me, to protect me and give the best thing for me. Even though I have this strong feelings for someone, still I chose God before him. I chose God’s will for me. And I will not interfere with his plan. I will continue to trust in God even though it is really hard at the moment because I know that faith is my ultimate decision. It is my choice that I choose God and not to sin. He has given me life, hope, and dreams. I trust what He promised me. I will not rely on my feelings or decisions, but only His and His alone. Gods is my ultimate everything. He is my Abba.

Dear Jesus,

You have died on the crossed to give me new life. A life free of chains, grudges, resentment, and sins. You have lifted me up with your love, kindness, and goodness. I will continue to trust in your power that I cannot compete, not even close. I know you’re bigger and more powerful than anything I could ever hope for. You are my ultimate maker, creator, and pursuer. You are all that I need and my trust is in you. Jesus, I chose you and all the glory goes to you. May you use me to be your vessel in bringing others to you, Lord. May you reveal my hidden sins that I still have to me, for me to recognize them and to want to change– to be more like you. You are unchangeable, indestructible, and your love covers me. May I continue to grow more and more into you, my Lord that no matter what comes my way that you are with me always. I choose you and always will. May I choose you still even when I am being tempted from sins. May I listen to the Holy Spirit and may the Holy Spirit rescued me from the sins I was tempted to commit. May I live my life for your glory alone. May everything in my life centered around you, Lord. May I love, have compassion towards other, Lord. Please teach me to forgive, love, and be kind to others. I prayed that I would understand humility and humbleness. I prayed that I would out other before myself. I prayed that I would learn to be selfless each and everyday. I prayed that I would learn about pride. I prayed that I understand more about pride and humbleness.

I prayed that my relationship with my family–especially my sister, my dad, and my mom would be a result of how I have begin growing with you that they would see the fruit of the sprit. For these are the people closest to me. I prayed, Lord that I will learn to love them more and more and more.

I prayed that Chad would get to experience the love you gave rescued me from sins and giving me a life that has you. I prayed that Chad would come to you. I prayed that I will learn to forgive him and to love him. I pray that I would be able to let go of the resentment and grudges I felt towards him. That I would released them and forgive just as you have forgive me for my sins.

Teach me to trust and have faith in you more and more, oh God even when things seem unfair, uncalled for, and deadly that I would learn to continually trust in you.

Pain

Look, you have caused me so much pain, so much pain. That I didn’t even know was actually more painful than my worse period cramp. It means that much. I absolutely hate you for it. I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me. And I don’t want to hate you. Because I know that it’s not right. It’s not right to hate someone in God’s eyes. Jesus I know I this upon myself l. I am being hard on myself, but Lord please make it stops. Please allow me to come to term and forgive and let go please. Please. I don’t want to be swayed. I want to remain strong and courageous. It’s painful, but I want to be strong and not looking to go back to the awful experience. The past 4 months had been nothing more but pain. There were a lot that were missing and I felt it. He was dishonest from the start. And I was stupid. I was stupid to kept proceeding. I was stupid to let it destroyed me til today. I can’t accept this. What should I do my Lord. What should I do. Please help me. If I’m not to do anything, please lord I ask for peace and gentleness. You learned Biden is light and your word is kind. Please send angle to me Lord. Please send angles and Holy Spirit to heal my soul. This angry, frustrated soul. I don’t want this. I want to move on and be happy, more importantly go back to you. I feel like I’m lying just to get out of this sadness. Lord, you know my heart; good or deceiving. But Lord, I need you for good or deceive, I need you. Always.