Calendar

I drew a calendar to continue crossing it off for days I didn’t talk to him. The goal is achieve a consecutive crossing. Some said it take ~21 days to form a habit. I want to make this mine. It hasn’t been the easiest task, but it is going and the overall results were better. Results are spiritually, emotionally, and mentally better.

Isn’t a shame that I still wish to do things with him. It’s not necessarily doing it with anyone, but with him, together. People might say, I’m crazy. Heck, I think I’m kind of crazy. No, not kind of. I’m crazy.

We ended our conversation with him calling me not being empathetic that it’s a trait of a sociopath. Wow, right.

All I wanted was to talk to him. I miss him. But look what it had turned into.

Perhaps I received what I had prayed for. I haven’t loved anyone outside of my family. More like, I haven’t had romantic love. I can’t say that anyone more because I do. It’s a weird phenomenon.

I have it when it’s gone. I have it when the person have tried to move on. I have it when they don’t value it. I have it when loving is hard. And it shouldn’t be. Because it’s not being reciprocated.

I continue to learn even though, it ended. I need to keep my streak. Crossing it Day-by-day. Letting it heal me one-by-one. Making me grow.

There is no doubt I wish all of these interactions with him. No doubt I wanted it to be him. At the same time, I’m going into the fire. I’m burning myself. I’m hurting myself, my soul. My spirit. It hasn’t been uplifting. It has been anguished. Deceit. Turmoil.

It better off suffering in the pain called missing than living in the unmet, frustration, and unwillingness to get along.

There is doubt I love Chad Evans. Saying/typing this hurts. This heart break still taunt me day and night. It never completely subsided or gone away. It remained a question. Empty spaces that need to be filled. It represents a different lock and key that doesn’t quite open. It represents the unwillingness to be vulnerable. To trust. It represents having to turn the other way, to begin a different direction. It’s not a bad thing and is wise. The hardest part is what makes us human. It’s the emotion. The lingering ties, attachment, hope, and dreams.

I did felt complete at some point. It had been fulfilled. Yet, I cannot deal with anger. Knowing the person has it and it’s a trait that they have to make an active choice I get rid off. I can’t make them. I either have to accept or not accept. Accept means becoming desensitized to it every time it comes at me. Deny in this case is choosing what’s better for me because it’s out there.

This writing is meant to be something I love doing. I enjoy writing a lot. It’s beautiful that I enjoyed it. It’s something I want that person to also see that it’s beautiful just like I do.

I pray that the person I will marry is someone who would love God and strive to be more like him. To love like him, to love others like him. To be a patience person, to be kind. Is not quick to temper and anger. For us to put each other first. Care for each other in good times and in bad times. To be on the same team.

People change. They do. I do. He did. We can’t work through our differences, problems. We’re a different chapter in a different book that has somehow intersect each other’s lives. Perhaps were sat next to each other, side-by-side on the same bookshelf. We’re of a different genre.

CE and I.

I will continue to love and pray for you until I have to no more. Until, I feel no more for you. Until, I’m free.

Emotions and God, please help me.

Interesting part

The interesting part is that incompatibility is still something that isn’t cleared cut with me. I may not be the most important that he will not go out to do many things. Yet, there are times in which I still wanted to hang out/ talk to him. It’s very weird.

I don’t know if this is simply something I am used to or I just miss the guy again. It seems like. And I don’t want to settle. The question is should I simply do what I want to do to just ask to hangout or should I choose what is in the long run even though I may not know for sure.

This is the dilemma of the story. I want to hangout with him. For some reason.

He is not the type of person that I might end up with. That’s the sad truth of it all. I do love him. Maybe to some extent. I don’t know if it’s the symptom of missing being with someone or I am missing him.

Right now I didn’t want to hang out with anybody. It only seems to be just with him. I didn’t initiate to hangout or anything. So, I think I’m just going to simply try very hard to ignore him. To ignore this temporary feeling. Why would I keep going back when the last time it was a roller coaster. Did you not learn anything.

Now that I see

I don’t know if I am idealizing it at this point. But I sort of see things I like and things that I don’t. Sometimes, he is not patient with me. We get frustrated with each other. He did it to me.

I hung up the phone with a bad stomach feelings, which I think isn’t healthy. Or is indicating anything great in particular. Beside, going to different places. Is simply another way to learn and help the person.

Will work if:

1) patience with me

2) go out to do different things

3) how he makes me feel

4) understand me more

5) grow in Christ together

6) don’t be little me or tell me I’m going off a tangent. Even if I am you should try to hear what I have to say because it takes a lot to say all of this

7) “what’s up with you today with going of a tangent”

8) I don’t sometimes feel supported or is free to express my feelings. It should be easy.

What to go from now:

Keep your distance. Still be nice.

Still invite him to church

But learning to release

I do believe that God has someone for me. I don’t know if this is meant to be this way or mood. It’s interesting. We click at something, but clashes too. Roller-coaster might be a way to put it. It’s such a roller-coaster.

I don’t know if we’ll ever going to get past this. I hope that we can at least understand each other or try to understand each other to the point where we can understand each other more.

I don’t know if it’s meant to be this challenging.

I felt stressful after talking to him. My stomach basically turn into this knot. It’s a feeling of stress. I don’t know why it’s like such.

Never gotten it with anyone else.

I’m wondering if I am the only one to feel this.

Why does he asked all of these questions anyhow?

Like I say, Cam, you’ve got to distinguish now what is and isn’t. It obvious to you that it’s an unfit puzzle. It’s something that I cannot force. Only God cans. Only He knows.

I don’t know now if it’s the best idea to be in touch. It can when my feelings is neutral. When I simply feel indifference, not in a bad way, but good indifference.

It has to be like that. Doesn’t mean that I simply going to give up. But I am learning to accept. And it’s one of the best thing ever to feel–is to accept.

Goodnight.

I’m no longer attracted. Nor do I feel sparked.

It’s this understanding of accepting that it’s ok.

It’s very much so ok.

CE

C.E. was the initial of the guy I came to like and hold on to. A guy whom I don’t know the possibilities. A guy who is unknown. A guy who I need to study for a long time. A guy who I will be patience with. A guy who I will learn to have self-control with. I guy who has consumed my thought more than it should. A guy who I really like. I guy who I love and who brought me pain. A guy who I thought is physically handsome. A guy who I will simply need to learn more. A guy who takes time. A guy who I can’t rush. A guy whom I am not sure. A guy that seems a little bit risky. A guy who I might be willing to learn.

He caught my eyes the moment I saw him. A little may be. I don’t remembered it exactly. But I was going to talk to him regardless because we worked together.

A guy who can be considerate at times at his own will. A guy who I really like. Perhaps a guy who I should give him space. A little space.

Self-control. Self-control. Self-control. Have it.

Church

Well today, I went to church with Chad and Schuyler. Both should get along because who doesn’t get along with Schuyler Holland. I mean this guy is literally so friendly, kind, and genuine. Also very funny. He’s very punny as well. Then there is Chad. Umm, yup there is Chad.

Chad deserves his own paragraph because Chad just like Schuyler and me, I mean we’re all individual people, but yeah Chad is different. Perhaps, for now, he is. He is someone I grow to like. Someone I came to perhaps love. Someone who also brought me pain. Someone I don’t know where he is at. I’m sort of trying let go maybe. Sort of taking a step back with my troops. He is busy with his work. I get it. I will be busy too, but I can always find time for him because he has become someone I will make time for. I don’t know if he feels the same way now that I starting to like him. I scared of being hurt. You know what I am just going to go for it. I am going to do what I want to love and care for him even if it might be disappointed. I will bring him my grandma’s medicine for mosquitoes bite. Because I thought of it.

Anyhow someone (Emerson) once told me to not be afraid. I told me that I’m afraid of being disappointed in love. You know what I am not going to be scare of it anymore. I will do what I want. I will overcome this fear of rejection. Even if he rejected me well, then I learned so much, so so much. So so much more than being rejected. God is protecting me, watching over me. He has something for me. Perhaps he wanted me to learn to love. I don’t care anymore if what I did will got me rejected, because then so let it be it. Let me get rejected, let’s test it. Now I have a hypothesis that I am going to be rejected well, let’s test the hypothesis.

I also don’t know if I will be able to like Chad for a long time. That’s the question. Another test experiment. Will I still love him? With his personality. Am I merely just attracted to his look. I wasn’t in the beginning. I mean a little bit, not a lot. But I grew to like him. I found him more and more attractive. His hard shell. His hard demeanor. Not wanting to hold my hands sometimes. Etc.

Oh well, let just says it’s hard to predict him. I never knew his intention. I might be over thinking it, but I just quite don’t understand it at times. Anyhow I’m going to be patience and wait. I’m going to guard my heart, but still give. I have to ask myself why am I doing this. Perhaps I want my love to be returned. I want his heart. I want him to love me. Is this right? So I’m doing it to get my love return? What if it’s not well then I’ll know that I’ve given my all, it’s just simply not being return and I think I can live with that knowing that I’ve done my best.

What if we’re not meant to be together. What if the past has shown itself. Well, the past want my best. It wasn’t my best. Therefore, doubt is still there. So this time, I will actually tried, it’s just a few thing of my day to do.

I’ve not really done that. But I can. Because I love the person.

Dear Lord, please protect and give me self-control. Please allow me to not be loose in my way and to guard my body and heart. I asked you to help not to settle and not be blindsided by simply his looks. That I truly see through him and see if he’s in fact is or is not the guy for me. I asked that you give me patience, kindness, and love for everyone. I asked that you help me with my choices and decisions. I asked that I will not be fool that you would give me freedom. I asked that you help keep my heart strong.

I asked that you will make me grow. Thank you Jesus for giving friends and families. I prayed that I’ll learn to focus most on the things above for that is where I will be. That I will prepare myself, for the things of the above.

thank you, Jesus for everything. Please help me focus my priorities and to be content, Lord. In your name. Amen.

Life, Love, and Pain

The beauty of life is perhaps the unknown. It’s the not knowing.

Often time life is not planed. Unexpected. It’s something beautiful and interesting.

I rushed in it for perhaps the instant gratification. I don’t know. But is that a wrong start.

I met Chad Evans at the lab that I worked. Right away, he was attractive. Tall, clean. He was handsome. But there is something off about him. His posture. His sense of self. Something wasn’t quite right. Over time I got to know him, he helped tutored me. I started to like him. Pretty fast, but I still don’t know if it’s long term. The pace of our relationships was fast. We basically began to live together. Cook together. Do almost everything together in our apartment.

We didn’t quite go outside much. Because he doesn’t particularly liked it. I was ok in the beginning, but over time I began to want to do more things outside of our regular routine.

There were perhaps differences we starting to see in each other.

I like him. I still do. I’m still attracted to him. His smell, his face, and his hair. It’s quite superficial. But I am attracted.

Overtime I started to notice qualities, in which, he has that I am not particularly fond or a fan of.

He can get really upset, easily frustrated.

He doesn’t like to go out as much, which was also another source of frustration.

We don’t agree on something. Choice of food etc.

I like hugging, kissing, and making out with him. But beyond that I don’t know if there is more to the physical attraction.

I want someone who would protect me. I can protect myself, it’s just having someone who I knew, would, is comforting.

I want someone who I can laugh with a lot.

I want someone who love God just as much as or more than I do.

Chad is someone I don’t know the answer to quite yet. I don’t want him to be something that I hold on to. I want to see if I can enjoy doing things with.

I enjoy cooking with him. I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy doing indoor things with him.

I also wanted to enjoy doing outdoor things with him.

Beside our problems, I wonder what else we could talk about. I wonder what are the depth of our conversation. Is there any?

I wondered what else we could talked about. Perhaps going to places such as hiking could let us know more about each other. Can we enjoy spending time with each other or do we just wanted to leave.

How our dates go? What does it feels like.

Of course how do I feel.

What do I want?

Am I happy?

What do I see in him?

Do I like him or do I like having him or do I like the relationship or do I not wanting to be alone

He felt restricted. He said to tone it down. I can tone it down, but do we have the thing I’ve been searching for. If we don’t then, perhaps maybe I’m reaching my conclusion.

Perhaps this will the lessons I will learn a lot. Lessons of the life time. Lessons God had given to me to figure out. Lessons He knew I would benefited. Lessons in which I learn.

Lessons of weighting, balancing, being happy on my own. Lessons of communication. Lesson of liking a guy in the unknown.

It’s not my fault

It’s not my fault that I happened to date someone who is unemotionally Unavailable, with previous relationship emotional baggage. It is not my fault that that relationship has left me pain that I am healing. It probably hurt me more than what I had intended. I need this time to fully heal. To recover, gain strength, and to feel whole on my own. It is crucial that I gain and are going through this process. As much as heartbreak is somewhat a normal part of relationship, one way or another, we lost now or later, we will eventually experience lost. Nothing last forever, even some of our memory faded or disappeared. Yet, there will be some that we won’t ever seem to forget, no matter how much we want it.

This has indeed marked, so far, the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I am not sure why it hurted so much, but it did.

I want to instead focused on the hurt and become fearful, I wanted to focus on the positive and lessons learned.

Chad, I now realized what it is like to love someone even when it hurts. I miss you. I want to let you go and time will help me. I didn’t think it was that easy for me to love, but perhaps I experienced lost that’s why I also learned to love. It hurts, I feel it. Every single drop. It has been 3 months and tears are still coming out. The emotion I seemed to let it flows. I feel. I don’t want this pain to stop me from experiencing love I may embarked in the future. You will and always will have a special place in my heart. No matter what had happened, at least I know my love for you was real. I truly wish you the best in what ever you do. I truly do. I couldn’t fully said that before, but I can now thanked and love you more. I don’t want to care, which type of love you have/had for me. But I at least know, I did love you and that’s already beyond words could describe. No matter how I have told you that I wanted to forget everything about an ex. Well, I only wanted to do that to move-on and keep-going. I know I cannot and will not want to stay stuck in the past. I don’t want to. I truly wish you the best in everything you do. Learn to be positive and be thankful and to love what you do and the opportunity you have been given. My dad told me you’re like a public transportation, you came and you go. How do I put this, it has been such an intense 3-4 months for me. Who knows such small amount of times could bombarded this much. For all the hurtful things I’ve said/texted you, I hope you would be able to forgive me. It was something I can’t take back, but what I can say is that I am imperfect and is still at the end of the day, a sinner. Chad, also sorry for accusing something about you that perhaps may not be true. Regarding, you not being able to forget your ex, etc. And also sorry for being able to understand you at times or not being as empathetic as much as I could. At the end of the day, what were the good memories are what hurts the most because I know I couldn’t get them back or have them with you. I feel more intensely than you think I did, hah. Were you surprised? Or were you already knew it was a fa├žade. It is not a luv ya, an emoji heart, or a least than 3 with a letter U, but in fact, an I love you, Chad Ryan Evans. You sucky piece of poo. You who took my heart and break it to pieces. You who didn’t return my love. You whom God may not have intended for me to be with. You who I literally thought was the cutest person in the world. You the one who is so arrogant, narcotic that its hurts and frustrating. You who is so picky that it bugs me. You you hated avocado. You who is so quiet that is hard to predict. You who is so mean to me when you’re mad. You who teach me many things. You who made me love Chick-Fill-A. You who took me to so many expensive restaurants. You who I really still think is physically handsome. You, who I wished could have been more adventurous, manly more of a gentlemen, more gentle, patience, and less frustrated. You who had everything going on for you, but still hasn’t reach your full-potential. You, whose posture could have been a lot more handsome as he looked. I’m not lying that the more I know you and getting a better look at you, I truly thought you became more and more handsome even more than my crush, Davis. I don’t really care what you had or felt with your first love, but I am thankful for having had met you, getting to you know, see how you think, and your view on life, people. To learn about your past experiences, etc. Chad, I love you and thank you for coming into my life. I love you.