The importance of being in the word

If I wanted to clarify the total a bit more, it would be “the necessity of reading the Bible and seeking the truth that God had in-store for everyone.” I get to witness many many times why I need to be in touch with God himself and His teachings. I failed times and times when I let myself be the center of my life instead of letting God does what he did best always. But in order for God to be God even though He is one anyway, I need to allow Him to be smoothly. He doesn’t need my approval to work my life but it’s just better with no reason to acknowledge Him and beautiful master piece for my life. God is beyond any comparison of this world. It’s beyond free money-401(k) or retirement savings. He’s unconditional with no whatsoever conflict of interest. It’s the free love with no return but I would have to have the heart to receive it too for a maximum result. I don’t like comparing God’s love, because it really is non-comparable to anything of this world. God does answer prayers that go according to His great and amazing plans. He never forsake or abandon me. I still continue to learn that times-after-times again. My journey with him have a…

Why some doesn’t find true love

No wonder why some people are single or had relationship after relationships where led again to singleness. These are my experiences with online dating and this is just personal because obviously has everyone have different experiences. I found it to be mostly bad than good and it took a good God’s guidance to eventually get there. I found out that a “swipe right” on someone work as an ego boost to them. There are some don’t get me wrong that are looking for a genuine connection with someone, but the ones I found were plain poopy inside in. I know that I enjoy partnership with someone and I prefer a good guy that could make me trust him and not questioning his intentions. I met, again, poopy guys in the past. The fact that I feel the way I am feeling now, sort of tricker the bad experiences I had with people. Also, something about me just doesn’t want to date good guys. There are some out there that are interested and we get along well, but something about me was not and is not interested. May be I have a codependency problem I don’y know. I am already skeptical about the opposite gender I share the world with and experiencing this negative experiences again and again make it really dull. I think I am going to quite online dating for good because I bring me miserable and quick enjoyment that didn’t last. I know that I would only talk to someone with good looks, but this online experiences also taught me to still be shallow. Again I don’t think I can date anyone who I don’t find attractive. Anyhow, right now God is telling me that this is not your time, you need to wait, and that I have better plans for you. I not at all a perfect Christian, but God is perfect and He does look out for me when I about to be in real danger. I pray for a good, handsome, and tall guy God. The one that loves you just as much if not more than you. I think negatively about guys and usually if I have some hunches about someone, God gives me this intuition to decipher what is right about someone. I have this in me, I just need to use it often. There are many guys out there whose intention is pure evil and selfish. I can name a lot of them, but I won’t. Anyhow I thank God for saving me once again from a predator and false desire.

This experience also makes me realize how broken people are in this world. These people lack the love and promises that God offers to them. They are searching for a quick fix, ego booster instead of facing right in with their problems of insecurity, loneliness, and being lost.

Often time when I am with the wrong type of people, it makes me question and value myself in the process that there are something wrong with me. I started to doubt myself and lost myself when I know who I am but still less than how God knows me. I started to feel all these down, negative feeling such as I have walls up, I this I that. And guess what, the problem isn’t me, it wasn’t, but the situation I am in right now is the problem. This is how naive I am at times. I quick to see flaws in myself better than at others and their problems quickly became mine and it makes me feel trouble, bother, restless, and insecure. This is guy Christ teaches his follower to date someone with the same yoke. I learn this again and again, times after times, not to do this, yet I did not obey God’s plan. There are many evils out there and God tries to keep me way from them. Thank you, Jesus for saving me times after times from evil and temptation.

I now learn that when I don’t trust someone, there is usually a reason if not more reasons. This is a lesson learned and I did gain because of God’s grace and love. Jesus, thank you fro giving me this wisdom to learn more about myself. You are truly awesome. I prayed that my two jobs I hope I acquire works out within your plan for me and if they are not for me I will not pushed it. Guide me, oh Lord. You’re beautiful and perfect. I am not beautiful or perfect but I serve the one who does always.

This is all that I have to say today. Another lesson learned. God just kind of making obey what He commands for me to be. I seem to be tempted in this area of life, he knows I want a connection, a partnership. But he simply said, not now and not with this person or people. He truly wants the best for me in his plan. God whenever I am about to dwelt into my brokenness, you fills me in. Another lesson I have learned is to actually listen to what I am saying and often time it is not always clear. My feeling is not transparent, but God knows my trouble and short coming and will rescue me from my brokenness.

If you happen to stumble across my blog, I hope that you learn something from me. I am growing everyday. I am learning everyday. I learn to trust myself more and more. I know that I am flirty most of the time without a serious intention. I am being flirty is not what’s wrong, but I was being flirty with the wrong type of people that’s all. When it comes to someone I see as prize, I was quite reserve and quiet.

People comes and goes in life, but God stays the same. Anyhow I lost track with what I was trying to say to my reader if I even have any. I wanted them to know that God loves you and He wants the best for you in every possible question. He knows you are not perfect but it is important to put him first in your life, so all good things will come from him to you without delaying. He knows when the time is ready for you whether that be the job you dreamed of or your spouses. Remember to trust him so He will provide. Thank Him and Pray to him often. The world is broken everyday, but God isn’t. He is perfect and full of love.

Goodnight.

Actually, I forget to address why some people doesn’t find true love on online dating or just dating in general. It is because they do not have good intentions for dating to begin with, They view love selfishly and honestly quite disgusting. These people may have experienced disappointment in the past and they perhaps hold on to the resentment and further cause damaged to their body, mind, and soul. They fall into this dark hole and feed on this dark desires that are not meant to allow them to see the night of sky or light. They fallen and serving the wrong god. This is why they will never found true love because they fail to realize where true love comes from and true loves come from God and God only. It is the kind of love that gives unselfishly and unconditionally. I am not sure if I could also say the love from a parent, but I doubt our patents have flaws too thus might not make their love in the most purest form. Yet, their love is still greater than most love by human beings. True love only comes from God and He gives generously, without fail. You just have to be willing to receive and work to keep it. This is how you find true love my friend, and I am friend with myself too. Seek Him to find your true love.

The unexpected

Well, how do I begin this, my dad got tested positive for Covid-19 today. His symptoms showed up four days ago. He began to have fever on Thursday afternoon. He woke up early that day to do a big load of laundry. He hand-wash all of his laundry because the washing machine would not completely get clean the stain on all of his shirt and pants. He did the work all day and as result, the activity made me felt sore and tired. We all thought it was because of the workload that made he felt all the symptoms. But little did we know those aching and tiredness were the symptoms Covid-19 that he would today got tested for. In the same day that afternoon, he also had fever, which we also thought was nothing serious. The symptoms showed up the past Thursday July the second, two-thousand-and-twenty, and he finally got those symptoms tested today July the sixth, two-thousand-and-twenty. He got tested at 5 p.m. and the result came back two hours later. The doctor called and told us what we needed to do, which of course was to avoid large crowds gathering, be six feet apart from people, and wear marks at all times.

Since my dad and I live together, I am quite certain that I have been exposed to the virus and highly likely that I have the disease as well, which I will get myself tested tomorrow. I do have symptoms today, which are very mild difficulty breathing, very mild chest pain, soreness, and tiredness. So far these are my symptoms, noted that all of them are very mild that they don’t interfere with my daily activities. I also would like to mention that my dad is also doing fine. He only seemed to be effected by the tiredness and body aching, which he could still perform every normal activities like he would on a regular day. As of now my dad do not need serious medical equipment such as a ventilator, medications, or further testing. This is because his symptoms are not serious nor is/or life-threatening as compare to some other serious cases you might hear about on t.v.

As of now, I will get tested for Covid-19 tomorrow July 7th, 2020. Like I said, I am quite positive that I have the disease because of the symptoms I usually would not be experiencing. I am not afraid or panic because of what is happening. I am optimistic that we can and will get better. We are not being reckless, but will be treating the condition very seriously as to prevent the spread of the disease to other less fortunate others. I personally do not see our symptoms worsen as long as be take care of our body to receive plenty of rest, consume healthy diet, as well as drinking large quantity of water than we usually do. My dad and I will be taking care of each other until we both get better to celebrate being Covid-19 free.

7/19/20 – an update

So after my dad got tested positive, I was certain that I will also would be tested positive too. However, it turned out that my test result came back negative, which was a surprised. Considering that I felt like I had all the symptoms for covid-19. My dad’s condition is slowly improving everyday. Some days the symptoms were the same as yesterday, however, he eventually felt more like himself. That’s all the update I got, we are all doing okay. My dad is strictly quarantining since the day he got tested. I celebrated my 23rd birthday with him because I was quarantining too. My sister surprised me with the best gift ever. That’s it for real now. Goodnight.

Well well it is the Class of 2020

Well well, I am back at it again for another doodling project of mine. The fun and it was always part of the unplanned because I write whenever I feel “things.” I write because I want to let my feelings out. I don’t know if I am a feeling kind of person necessarily, but if I think hard enough, my actions were driven by how I feel. I don’t really plan things. I hardly do. It is a moment sort of thing. I do plan sometimes, but I certainly did not plan on writing about my graduation! And that I am indeed part of the Class of 2020! The corona, the almost going to war, the crazy Trump presidency, I mean lots of things had happened and still is happening like the Covid-19. Needless to say, I am feeling the celebration.

It is weird that I didn’t actually want to celebrate, like I couldn’t careless about graduation celebration ABCD. One, I don’t feel important. Two, I don’t like that graduation symbolizes success crap. Three, I don’t have three. But I honestly have a mixed feeling when it comes to graduation. I think it is cliche and too inside the box. Like everyone had to do the same thing. Isn’t it repetitive, yeah. I don’t know I feel like a party pooper, but I only like graduation probably only for the inspirational speech and people decided to goof off when they walk on stage, that’s it.

I have a mixed feeling because, I mean you hear people say this all the time, but it does feel weird to go into the “real” world as if you living isn’t real enough. I guess a more descriptive way of explaining is the fear of the unknown. Think about it, most of you and me, we were in school for how many years already, 20 for me. I started school at maybe 2 or 3. Crazy right. Like we’re used to the system and surrounding. The basic waiting and waiting for everything. We hardly ever have to start anything ourselves. We were told what to do and now who is going to tell us. We have to leave and bye bye. You do not belong here anymore. I am having a crazy stomach feeling as I am typing this. If I am correct, it is the feeling of nervousness. I am used to the system. I am sad. I think that’s why I was feeling meh about this whole thing. It is kind of scary and I didn’t think I was going to feel this way. It is a moment thing. I feel this way right now but I will feel better later; by the time I finish writing. I remembered always wanting to leave pre-school whenever I arrived there. I didn’t like that place but what’s funny is that I am kind of half hearted feeling that way right now just the opposite. I am not sure what I am feeling weird about. I think I might know, may be it is feeling of the “I could have” sort of idea, like the feeling that I can’t take any of it back, because it flew by and you just missed it until you realized when it is too late. It is like the feeling that you didn’t know what you have until it’s gone. It is the feeling of regret and that is not the feeling I particularly enjoyed. It is the worse feeling in the world. The question is what am I regretting about. Is it not getting drunk, is it not partying, is not not smoking weed, is it not knowing what else I could have’s. Is it not studying enough for exams when I know I could do better? I think I fear of not living to the fullest. I fear I wasted it something; time, moment, opportunity, relationship, idk. I fear that, no matter what it had be. It is funny because when I graduated from high school, my church teacher gave me a book called “How to Not Waste Your Life,” isn’t ironic. I feel like it didn’t reap the experience well enough, I fear losing. I fear what I can’t take back. It is weird, but that’s how I feel. I do want to go back, actually no I can’t go back. It is impossible, from what I know there is no such thing as a time machine. It is only in movies. I hear people say all the time that the past makes up who you are and yes, I have to agree to that and stick to it; believe that it is true. I do fear change. I am scare of not making the past pretty enough for my best work. Like I am doom because my past was not the best I can do. I think these feelings are; I don’t know if it is normal.. I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this crisis ever in the world. I tried to look on the bright side to everything. I do. Life is too short to be miserable. I am grateful up until this point actually. I feel lucky a lot and I had to fight for things and things just does not come to me I have to work for it. No matter what they are I have to work at it. I mean God helped shape me too and I owed that to Him. He is my comforter. He is the one that brought all the people I’ve met.

I have to say that more than anything I am grateful and that is the IT word. I just am. For everything. For what I have, eat, sleep on, type on, play game on, talk to people on, FaceTime my dad, mom, drive, ride, cook, bake, grill, clean, wash…

I just am glad to exist and living, but it is time to actually Live, to feel alive to love and to laugh.

It has been awhile pt.1

So Yeah, it has been a while since the last time I write something.

Something inspired me to write again. No, I’m not ranting because I am going through a hard time. Things have been going good. I slowly found myself again, which is always good. I will keep finding myself. The person I am, embrace it.

There is honestly nothing more fun than hanging out with friends. Like legit, it is fun to have fun with friends. This is not underrated. Not everyone is the same, but I honestly do not understand how someone could be alone and will not reach out to anyone. Of course, I am not them and I am trying to empathetic. But anyhow, I am glad I can find people I like hang out with. It is a blessing and I am thankful.

I hope to keep on building friendship with people. It is great.

Anyhow I am glad that I get to reflect on my thought today.

Anyway, I met someone, not like what you think, but someone invited me to coffee!

Not going to lie, I would say yes for that. Now that I know that I dislike dinner date and movie date. Both is a no no. Big time. So it was a good choice in him to ask me for coffee, I would say yes.

I do not want to limit myself. That would be a bad learning experience. Of course, it would be a bit uncomfortable in a sense that I would not know how it would go down. Regardless I think it is amazing I get this opportunity. How it will turn out I don’t know, but it would be a good experience.

First of I know that it would be awhile for me to settle down with anyone. I am quite certain about that. I do not think anything could truly stop me from having fun and enjoying getting to know people. So asking me to settle down or be someone girlfriend, right now is a no. Most likely. Because 1) I have an ideal about how relationship is suppose to be, and most people would not be able to meet that I assume. It is not crazy or anything, but I feel like most guys nowadays or at least the one I have met are not going to have the same ideal as me. That’s why it important to talk and see where they stand. What they like? Who are they really as a person. Hopefully I could pay enough attention and listen for answer, which I will try.

A guy who cannot communicate is a no like my life is already complicated, I do not want additional complication and especially when things are going good right now with everything. I am enjoying my life. I know that I am independent, but still like to have fun and socialize with people. Having good company with good conversation is something I enjoy, no matter where that takes me.

So I like someone honest, open to deep talk. Someone I can connect with on emotional level. Without it, probably won’t last.

In the past I did not really know what I was looking for per se. I also tend to be with a guy who is the opposite from me :/ And the one that I do get along with, I just did not like them.

Anyway, dating or being in a relationship is not my priority. I enjoy getting to know you first. Be your “friend.” So, I will still have fun, yet be intentional about it. I have my list so I know them. I will not judge book by cover. I will try to read and see if it is the book I would buy. Because I think I know what I want.

If I were to go on a date, it will not be more than 1 hr. that will be a max. No matter what.  I will listen more. I will ask question sometimes. Even though I would be tempted to talk. I will be honest and real because otherwise I cheating someone and myself. I like the idea of a coffee, I do not mind that at all.

We will see what happens, I will be myself but within bound 🙂

The other day I was going to reflect on something I thought of writing, but of course, now, I forgot what I had plan to write. Bummer. What was it though.

 

Also, another advice I would give to myself is to be focus and not waste time having fun on something that is not. As simple as that. Not only is it not it, but since you do know what you want, then don’t waste time on the thing you know will not work. Learn from your mistake.

What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.

When you seem to be able to give advices

When you seem to be able to give other people the proper advice or the advice that you think is best, but the one who you should be giving it to the most is, to yourself.

The paragraph above, truly resonates with me. It’s something I’m telling myself to understand and fully believe.

I met Crystal in a chemistry lab, she was my assigned lab partner for the semester. We worked well together because both of us cared about having good experimental results. Often time, when we waited for the experiment to do its magics (reactions), we would use that time to talk about life. I don’t share about my personal life voluntarily. It’s not something I often do. But Crystal didn’t mind, she was having a relationship problem, so she vent it out to me.

She said that she didn’t [sometimes] feel loved by her boyfriend, which I can certainly relate. As I went through something similar and it was good I went through it.
It was the one of the best things that ever happened to me for good. The experience twisted and turned my stomach. It has a quenching pain. It was just good.

I ended the relationship, only to later realized that I want it back, but I couldn’t quit pinpoint exactly why I wanted it when it wasn’t the best for me.

I told her to love herself more and value herself and to not let a guy turned her life upside down in a rollercoaster. Because he can’t. She (me) shouldn’t let him or anyone ever.

Even though, I told her the best advice I could think of, I am also speaking those advice to myself. God put me in this situation where I was giving advice to her, but in fact, I was giving advice to myself. He used her to tell me the things he wanted me to know more fully. I know them in my head, but I don’t listen to it. And that’s the problem.

I love him (an ex) and I would maybe give my world to him. But I can’t give my world to him because I don’t know if I can give the world to myself.

I missed him dearly and knowing that and focusing on the feelings is not the best thing I’m doing to myself right now. I’m going through something absolutely preventable. As magical as this sound, this symptoms could be cured. I am optimistic that it could be cured with a snap of a finger, to wake up.

It can’t be as clear as it could be. It’s as clear as the night and day. I need to be able to believe it. I do. I always ended up disappointing myself in relationship. It’s like I expect a lot out of it. I have my ideal everything planned out. They’re just not on board. They can’t ever be if it’s not from God.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I need to be still. There hasn’t been days that I didn’t think about it. I want to snap out of it and to be happy. I can’t afford to live a life like this. A sad, regretful, and longing life.

Life shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t be this complicated. It should be better, fun, and more meaningful.

“Let’s be friend.” Never has I ever heard it saying to me. Checked.

There is not anything I can do anymore, except to pray.

Jesus, I know you’re there. I know you do. Please help me believe and feel that you do. That you have great plan. You do. Lord. You do. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, Lord. When I chose what I want instead of what I’ve been taught by you to live. I messed up, my Lord. I did. Big time. More than I could’ve ever thought I would ended up in. All the things I tried to build, clashes, broken–into pieces. I feel horrible, Lord. I sinned. I’m broken and I am in need of you. To rescue me. I am broken and completely broke. Into pieces. I lacked values, principles I hold on to. Lord, I don’t have time for anything or anyone anymore. Not even for my friends, sister, or family. I’m down in this hole all alone by myself. I am not as happy as I should be. I let a guy turned me upside down and pinned me down to a rollercoaster ride. I let him do it. I let it happened to me. I allowed him to. It doesn’t have to be this way. It doesn’t. We’re not for each other from the very start. From the very beginning. We weren’t. It. I have hard time believing in so, even though my head said no, my heart rejected. The heart wants what it wants. My head trying to tell me otherwise. In reality, everything is all in my head.

Lord, I did wrong, Lord. I did. I am sorry I disappointed you, again and again. I messed up. And I don’t want to ever repeat this mistake again. It costed me. It’s costly. I am ashamed and guilty of what I did. I am sorry, Jesus. I am. Please forgive me. Forgive me this ugly sin.

Heart break is not a bad thing

Sometimes, heart break may be the best thing that ever happened to you. It makes you realized so much. It makes you feel alive. Like you’re living. Through the pain, you’re living. It’s magical. It makes your eyes suddenly magnified.

Sitting and brooding will not makes things better

The truth is sitting and brooding over negative emotions done more harm and good. The easiest, most obvious cure, is to get up and do something!

Life’s worth more living. It is. Think about the positives. There is so much to look forward to.

When you go forward, you keep going. Just keep going. Just keep on pushing. Everything will be ok. It will be better. Have hope and keep your head held high. Smile at others and more importantly smile inside to yourself.

Not Everything I Hear is True

I sometimes don’t know if the advice that people give to me are the wisest. Even though they met well, it doesn’t mean that their advice and worldview is always correct. The thinks that I see the world as if it always beautiful etc. She makes it seems like I was living in illusion. As if I was raised shielded from the danger of this world. Dangers are there, I know, but it doesn’t mean that I will look for it. Sometimes it may  e looking for me, but I have a God that is my shield and even if I messed up, He is still me redeemer. I knows she cared about us and want the best for us, but sometimes, lessons that I learned are the ones, in which, I experienced it myself. It revealed to me that I can be arrogant too. This is something that I don’t necessary want for myself. It will only going to hurt me. Being arrogant isn’t the best God wants for me. I don’t know if having a little bit is ok. I don’t know, but I want to be able to view it as objectively as I can. There will perhaps always be something wrong. Things that hurt me. Things that hurt my feelings, etc. I am honestly trying each day, trying to go through task I was assigned. I am living my life and it is a beautiful thing. I am going to continue to believe in what I do and I will see how it is going to play out. Good or bad I will find out and adjust to the outcome accordingly. I’m not even at all perfect. I don’t think I will ever be. Sure, I was perhaps raised to be a certain way, but that doesn’t mean that I will let that dictate my life. I love my parents. They loved me and wanted the best for me. I know. But it is their job to let me fly too. To let me learn things on my own. My mom supports me always. So does my dad. They’re the two biggest encourager for me. So is my sister. I am thankful for what they have given me. I came to understand many things as well. They raised me as their friends. They also let me be me. They didn’t restrict me. They let me be free. That is the best thing I could have ever asked for. Sure, I didn’t do drug or what not. Nevertheless, I know I still have many flaws. But I don’t want those flaws to be my identity, it doesn’t identify who I am. I am imperfect. Whatever, you may called it. But, that is not going to be something that I want it to define me. I can always and will always grow, messed up, learned, analyzed, then grow from it. Growing until I am dead. Until, I have no more. Until, God is taking me to hopefully his kingdom that He prepares for me.

Yeah, this is me at 22 years old with this kind of thoughts. I don’t know if this thought is right nor wrong. Or whatever, but it is the thought I have on Nov. 7th (my first ever bf birthday) that I am not going to tell him even though I still remembered. If something is toxic in my life. No matter what it is, I can and must cut it. Detoxify.

Perhaps the area of my love life hasn’t been like I wanted to be. At this point, it is not really my focus. It is just not. There is so much more thing to do, to learn, to explore. I explored this side of things a little bit now. Now, there are other things I look forward to. I am learning still. Always learning. Life is too short to be miserable. To think that it is negative or to think that it is too dangerous. It may be, but I could careless. Life doesn’t need me to keep going. It doesn’t. The sun will still rise even if I am not here. Darkness will cease even if I stoped breathing. The world keeps on moving, progressing its cycle. I am here to praise and believe in my God and all the promising He has for me. I could careless other may have said. They cannot change my perspective on life. I see it like I see it, perhaps I am blind. Perhaps it is delusional. Perhaps it is totally false, well, like I say the world could careless about me or my worldview. There is so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced. So much. So much. I am still learning. Living. At 22 years old. I have dreams and goals. I am living. I am not going to stop. Ever. Ever. I want to keep on living. Living for Christ. He builds my spirit. Living the life He has given me. He gives me brain, legs, mouth, and arms. I can do so much with what he has given to me. I forgot, also ears.

I love my family. I do. My relatives too. They’re the people I go to when I am at my lowest point in my life. I appreciate them. I will take what I find useful from them. Yet, this is my life and it is my story. I am the narrator. I am the protagonist. I run my life. God guides me. He helps me. He gives me choices. I am using what he gives me.

Thank you for calling me na ka. I appreciate your phone call. I will also make time to call you from now on–to talk to you not only when I need to talk, but because I simply wanted to talk to you. You’re important to me. Therefore, it is my responsibility to cherish these relationships. Because I don’t want regrets. I wanted to be able to say that I have loved them well and they know I love them well.

For those that I’ve crossed. Thank you. I’ve learned what I wanted in a partner. I’ve learn to say no. I’ve learn to still choose what’s best for me. I’ve grown from it. And that’s to celebrate.

Cheers to learning.