Lonliness

Oh, boy. Who ever thought, I had felt bored and perhaps lonely. It is not that I thought of myself as indivisible, but honestly, I don’t feel lonely, until perhaps now. I think it is good that I feel this way because when people told me, “But wont’t you be lonely?” I quickly responded to them, “No! But I can see why you would say that.” This made me realize that people do feel lonesome at times, especially in college. I honestly, do not typically feel lonely because I occupy myself with stuff I needed to do. Well, I don’t know, now, I didn’t occupy myself, so I am experiencing something quite not fun here, loneliness perhaps boredom that could quite turn into loneliness easily. I used to be really comfortable with quietness, the quieter, the better. I am typically very much so happy being by myself. Now, I wanted to go back to that phrase of being able to again enjoying my own company.

It is sad that I am feeling this way, it is truly is. I am not sure if God has place me into this position in order for me to learn something, otherwise wouldn’t. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I have the MCAT that needed to be studied. I am taking a class in biomedical ethics that can always be learned ahead. I also can organize my room. Additionally,  I can also review old materials for the MCAT and even learned organic chemistry that I will take this fall. I can name many things that can be completed, however, where is my heart at?

Perhaps this is a side effect of a break up. I read in an article that after a break up girl will typically cry like crazy, while the guy seem to be okay initially, however, not in the long term like a month or two months later. Honestly, I think that I am a guy in this situation. I was feeling totally okay right after the break up because I feel like it was meant to be. However, I think I am feeling the side effect now, the lonesomeness. 😭😭. Anyway, the not so intelligent thing to do is to jump right into another relationship. Actually, I don’t want to restrict myself, but honestly, it would be wiser to not be in a relationship in college, in my case. I don’t need this, not now at the very least because there are goals that is ahead.

Dear God, I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I feel alone for the very first time. Perhaps, it is the side effect of my break up. It is sad. It is truly is, but I think you has place this in my life a reason and that I should rejoice. There is a verse in the Bible that mention to rejoice and give thanks even in the mist of suffering. And I knew that I am feeling something because there is a knot in my stomach. I am simply sad and I admitted it. I know there is a reason I am feeling this way, otherwise, I may not have learned what it is like to feel lonely. It kept me grounded and humbled, which is something I have been prayed for. Oh God, you’re greater than anything I could ever face in life. You are my God, my Rock, and I need as well as follow you.

The Kindness of a Stranger

I had to admit that at times,  I am a skeptic. I am skeptical about certain things and sometimes not even realizing it. I don’t always believe what other say, for instance, when I am listening in class to a professor. I listened, but I certainly have my opinions and questioned whether the fact made sense and if they didn’t then I simply stood my ground.

Yesterday was a Friday. I am hoping that one of my friend would invited me to play tennis with him. Since we both sort of threw that in the air, but both did not took the initiative. Anyway, from a week of work and taking classes, I felt asleep at around 10 pm, didn’t take shower nor even brushed my teeth (which rarely happens). I went to bed and woke up again at 4 am until falling to sleep again to wake up at around 10 am. I showered, washed my hair, blow dried it, and get dressed. I walked downstairs to make breakfast and lunch. I ate and knew that I had to go buy grocery as well as buy a book for a class I am taking in the summer.

I went to Sprout Farmer Market, which is a nice grocery store that is full of stuffs I like, it has varieties. I was choosing cilantro, and other ingratiates to make salad for the upcoming week. Then I saw a sign, “5/1 dollar Sweet Corns,” I like corn on my salad, so I decided to give it a look and choose the best corn kernel. All of a sudden, a lady around early 70 years old came and complimented my shoes and asked where had I got them from. I told her “I think I got them from Sperry.” We began our conversation that way, which I am not sure if she really liked my shoes or simply wanted a conversation. I think she really like my shoes as she continued asking where she could find them. Afterwards, she began to help me picked out corns and gave me tricks on how to choose the best corn. That’s why I titled this story “The Kindness of a Stranger.” I don’t even know her name. All I know is that this lady was kind.

Another story when I encountered another an example of kindness is the fact that my friend, I am not entirely sure if we’re “friend” quite yet, but anyway, we’re not getting into such topic. Anyway, right around 9 pm today, I was getting hungry right after my nap. I went down stairs to make a tuna sandwich. As I gather the ingredients on the kitchen counter. I started chopping celeries and bell peppers into tiny pieces, all of a sudden I received a phone call, which I thought was a FaceTime call from my sister, but when I was began to answer, I saw that it was a phone call and not a FaceTime call from my family. It was quite interesting that I received a call from someone at 9 pm. I answered, realizing that it was a male voice that I was not familiar, he kept taking, suggesting that we go get an ice-cream. I was hesitant: first, I don’t eat diary except eggs, second, I am in a middle of prepping food, and third and lastly, it is late. All of the above was the reasons why I said, “….maybe later, but thanks for inviting me,” and hung up. Anyway, I might disappointed the guy, but I had to stood my ground, I had my reasons. However, I still think it was kind of him to invite me to get ice-cream with him. He also said in the phone conversation to “don’t think too much about it.” Well, I am the way I am.

Anyways, these are story of when I encountered kindness. There are also times when this friend of mine offered to help me move my stuff into the apartment or when I asked him if he could help me picked up the elliptical and a keyboard at a lady house because he has a truck and strength. I genuinely do appreciate his help, but I don’t know if the guy is being nice just to be nice (the person he is) or if he has other intentions. Regardless, of the the reasons, I still appreciate people kindness when I didn’t expected them to be.

God Never Fails

You have no idea that I was disappointed when I found out that I had missed a chemistry lab final that I had a 94 in the class, but since I had missed the lab final and if I couldn’t take it then I would end up with a C in the class, which is not a failing grade, however, since I had an A (before the final), it would be disappointed because I tried to get good grade in the lab.

With the hope to improve the situation, I went to the professor’s office, however, she wasn’t there at the time, so I simply waited on her at a chemistry tutoring room next door to her office. It wasn’t long until I saw her in the hallway. She seemed to be in a rush, which I didn’t knew at the time I approached her that she was on her way to the bathroom before I stopped her to discuss my situation. She quickly told me to email her with my student ID and my chemistry lab section number in order for her to open to lab final for me to complete. However, she also told me that whatever I’lll make on the lab final will be 50% off of what I get, which means that even if I scored a 100 (which is not simply to score) that I will instead get a 50. This condition is the consequence of having not taken the final on time. This made me sad and disappointed, because I had a 94 in the lab, which means that I could potentially ended up in the class with an A, however, even if I scored a 100 on the final it will scored as 50 in the grade book, which means I will get a B in the lab.

I was sad and was a tiny bit annoyed at myself for having missed the final, however, I told myself that it is okay because no matter what God got me and He has a plan. That whatever I am going through, it will work out. Even though, I messed up, but my God is greater, bigger, better, and stronger than anything I am going through. And that it will work out at the end because He is God.

So, I decided to emailed Dr. T. my ID and lab section with an added description about 3 paragraphs long of why I care and if she would be willing to help me and not take 50% off of the grade that I will make on the final.

I received her email later in the day that only said “the final has been reopen for you and that you have until 9 p.m. tonight to submit it.” I was sort of expressionless because I had hoped that she would mentioned something along the line of “I will consider.”  She told me that she had sent 2 emails, which I did opened, but did not read throughly. Notice the underlined word, “NO EXCEPTIONS.”

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Anyway, I went ahead and took the final (which is online, but it is not easy) with a help of a friend I had never met, except through a group me, which is an app where students help other students with reminders, group study, reviews, etc. Dylan, a guy whom I texted to help me with the final replied saying that he could help me. I was so thankful and most of all to my God.  So, Dylan whom scored 92 himself and helped 2 other people scored an 88 was being so kind to help me.

So, after I finished taking my final with Dylan. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, saying how much I truly appreciate his help. He replied saying that he wasn’t that much of an effort, but ohh.. trust me, I am so thrilled. This made me realized that he is really kind.

After we departed, I went to have dinner with a friend, workout afterward, and my day pretty much ended.

Last night, my prayers were also for the chemistry lab grade that hopefully I could get an A, however, I also added that God knows.

Until today, as I am typing, I went on blackboard, which is a site where my grades are posted and I saw …Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.38.00 PM

I was so thrilled that a 94 had gone down 2 points to a 92, which may or may not be rounded to a 93, but it hardly matters because 90-100 is an A! I realized that Dr. T did not take off 50% of the final grade that I made! Which is a miracle that only God can performed and provided! Throughout my walk with Him, God has continuously shown himself to me in a way that I knew were from Him. God is so good and is always there for me that no matter the result, I know that He is God, who truly got me and even if I got a B in the course, I remembered thinking this to myself that even if I got a B in the lab that God has a plan, and He knows best.

This particular event reminded me of a story of Peter (if I had remembered the story correctly) when Jesus made him walked on water, but then Peter started to have doubts, which made him fallen and about to drown. At that moment, God is working with Peter, performing a miracle with Him, but Peter lost sight and started doubting God, so as a result he drowned. The story goes something along this line if I had remembered it correctly. But the point of referring to this story is a reminder to myself to trust in God, which means to realized that He knows. God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent (all knowing, always there, and all powerful). And to be humble that it is not me, but because of Him, of His grace, His wisdom, His power, and His love. 

This event happened and all I want is to praise God, to give Him the Glory for He is good, merciful, and just. I am so thankful to Him, so thankful. Praise be to God.

My Daily Devotion

My Today’s Daily Devotion contains a great and thought provoking message for us/me to be our our authentic self. It gave an example of how God doesn’t look at us in the mirror and wish that he sees someone else. This is powerful. We/I ought to be pursuing God in order for us to be transform by Him because He progressively helps us be the best version of ourselves, someone who we ought to be and  perhaps are already are, just not realized it. We may hinder ourselves from being someone God knows is true and genuine. He calls us to be someone He knows we are.

Today, as I played badminton, there are things I regretted and wish I had done differently. However, I cannot dwelled on the thing regretted because that is leading to negative thought.

Next time, I would definitely be competitive and encouraging. I will be more kind and have compassion. But when it’s game time, I ought to do my best, to set my mind not on beating the other person to pieces, but to play fair and kind. Winning has different form. I can win a game and feel really good about the game or win a game, but not as good. This is where mindset comes in and in any sports, it is a mind game.

How do some players manages to win more than lost. Wow, practice, of course, because practice provide the player sense of confidence. “I have worked really hard and I ought to show what I have been doing all these time to prepare for this match.”

Relating back to the MCAT, practicing it will provide the confidence for the test.

We perform our best when we believe we can accomplish the task–when we believe in ourselves. Sometimes, having someone believing in us contributed to some, however, definitely not all. We just ought to be the one to believe, we can do it.

Well, how to gain it, practice. Seek. Not be lazy. Be kind. Be humble. and have humility.

To be honest…

I am not sure what I want, I think I know what I want, but then, there are times when my interest switches. I think I wanted to be a doctor, it has pretty much been this career. Maybe my dad place this idea on me as a young child and it has been on my mind ever since. Or maybe I do truly wanted to be a doctor even before he suggested to me. I don’t know.

You know what kind of life I had the idea of wanting to live? A life simply doing what I want, why can’t I just do that then if I lose interest in that one particular thing, then most likely there is something else I wanted to pursue. I hardly met anybody with 2 or 3 jobs. A doctor, but also an architect and an artitst. A doctor and an entrepreneur, who own a business like a little shop. Okay, these type of people do exist, of course. It seems like once you are a doctor, that is most likely your one and only job.

Being an architect has been a dream of mine, since little. I like to build and create thing with my own hand. I thought I wanted to be a surgeon, a general surgeon. One because of the stability—I suppose, the salary, reputation, respect, and credential. The helping aspect also attracts me, a job or I had say career with purpose of healing. It seems like a job that is very much so hands on, which I like.

Now back to being an architecture thing, the job seems really cool as well, building, making model, artistic, but it seems as if there is not a high demand in the market, which I should be smart about…?

I recently dated a guy, but I kept having this thought of lowering our status to being good friend. We first met at a tutoring center, then we met again on the same day at our school movie theater. Then we met again later twice in a different SI session, which is a peer-led classes for physics. I don’t think I like him as my boyfriend. I like him more of a friend and maybe when we started talking, I am just or perhaps may appear to be quite friendly or flirty? So this may gave him the impression of me liking him. I don’t think I like him that way.

Now this made me questioned whether I can actually like someone like that, lol. I don’t know. My friend, Khahn told me that once you find someone you truly like, you will know. I am not sure how that work, honestly. How can you just know with a blink of an eye? I pretty sure now than ever that I wanted to be just friend with him and I think I am going to tell him once he got back from spring break. Seriously, he included many things about the future with me. He talked about traveling, taking pictures together, etc. He is sweet and genuine; a good human-being.

Honestly, I don’t think he like me like that either, but since we’re each other first girlfriend and boyfriend for about 2 weeks that is why both of us may seem to be curious of how this will turn or how this dating thing really works. At this point, if he were to find another girl (beside me) I would be happy for him since he is a nice person. I honestly know that I wanted a friend more than boyfriend and I will let him know that.

Back to life, I don’t know if it is okay. I am sure it is— to live life doing what I love and then switches when I am bore or find something else more interested in doing. I want to live like that. Pick something I want to do, then once I get there, realize that it is not truly what I want then switch to do something else. There is no rule to living. Who set a right or wrong way to live, simply do what you want, yeah? Just do what bring happiness. Can I live like that? Drop out of college to pursue art school or whatever it may be. Live life, have God as my Rock, and do what I pleases that of course align with God’s plan and to rely on His help.

Live life doing what you love and if you find something else you like more then do that. No boundary.

Which is why being kid was fun, we live doing what we love, but we sort of lose that trying to do the thing that fit the standard that isn’t truly our own. Why do we have to lose the fun as an adult, why. We can still do the things that we love, whatever we want that is good that bring us happiness. I am not talking about go to party and being wasted or steal, but good thing that bring us true happiness. Because, really once the party is over, getting that headache, or being caught, the fun in that did not lasted, it quickly ran out—they don’t bring us true happiness.

God wanted to tell me these things. I think I can live life however as long as I have and continue to trust Him. He knows everything.

Now, though, what is it that I want to do? Write a book, learn metal jewelry art, get an A in all my classes? These are my lists so far. Go to the park, sit at a coffee shop doing homework, call my parents, shower, do number 2, wash the dishes, travel, shadow a doctor and sometimes a nurse, a dentist, live life, live life, live life, doing what you love, pursue your dream, living it, making it real, put in the work, be happy doing it.

When I am bad at keeping in touch

I have to say that I am not the best at keeping in touch. I am not sure if I am just unconsidered, not thoughtful, or plainly selfish when I come to contacting people whom are close to me,  my family for instance.

I am in college currently and I am taking 17 hours this semester in order to graduate by 2020. It can be challenging when most of the time, I have to admit that school consumed the majority of my thought and energy from the moment I wake up at around 6 am to 8 pm at night. My family, I don’t think they understand that I have classes and having to complete homework. I don’t think they had understand because I am the first in my family to go to college.

My dad would often mentioned that I should call him, but right now, I am not sure why FaceTime isn’t working for me and him. He had answered my call and then it would automatically disconnect after 5 seconds later. You may asked why not just call him, well I could, but I am on a pay-as-you-go phone plan, which is definitely not the best option.

Oh, well, I truly hope they had understand me. I know that they will, but I still can’t help but to express concern about the topic because I did not want them to feel that I don’t care about them. I am at fault and if they are not okay with me, I would have to realize the consequences. I simply have many things going on with the addition of my being unconsidered at keeping in touch.

I am recently dating a guy. This may have contributed to about 5% of me not calling my family.

My being bad at keeping in touch with my family made me realized that I am, indeed, selfish and unconsidered. However, my behavior made wonder about my dating relationship as well because if I couldn’t keep in touch with my family then how am I going to keep in touch with others outside my fam.

I don’t know.

My friend wanted to room with me next semester. However, I think I preferred having no roommate. Why? Well, I like doing my thing, placing stuff where I want, cook smelly, delicious Thai food, listening to my musics without my headphones, and many other things. I will let her know about my honest decision. However, God knows the condition that serves me best whether or not He views having a roommate would be best for me.

I have a physics test tomorrow  morning at 8 am. I studied with my friend, Dylan last night. However, I definitely need to look over the test questions one more time myself and make a notecard. Man, I thank God for my friend, Dylan. This guy is the best teacher I have ever met and super helpful. I have no idea I would met a person like Dylan, an awesome teacher and friend.

I just got a text from him and we are going to study together, which is super duper awesome because I had just finish eating and I was feeling really sleepy and it is close to my bed time. I have hard time staying up once I felt sleepy. But since, I will be studying with my friend, it will definitely help keep me awake to study. I am so excited!

Thank you Jesus for bring kind people into my life. I owe my life to Him, to be under his care, guidance, and vision. Jesus is my rock.

When you realized your homework isn’t due until Wednesday…

My chemistry online course have 3 homework assignments due 3 times per week, one that is due on Monday morning at 8 am, another on Wednesday morning at 8 am, and the last one on Friday at 8 am, and the cycle repeat the same every week. However, this upcoming week (the week before Spring Break), I realized that I will only have two assignments due on Wednesday and Friday only, instead of the usual three. I have glad, but then I also have physics test on Wednesday that I need to understand.

I am taking 17 credit hours this semester, which is the most hours I have taken in college thus far. It is doable, time management simply have got to be well-organized.

I recently met a guy, which I mentioned in my previous blog. Honestly, it is fun to date. He is my first boyfriend. We have many things in common, which I find that to be quite interesting. We will see how this will go, because this is our only third week dating. We see each other often, 6 out of 7 days a week and we spent about 2+ hours every time we meet. It is fun, but I have to say that my grade definitely has been affected by the occurrence. Why this had happened, I am not sure. I thrust in the Lord, for He is faithful and omniscient. I am not sure what the future holds, however, my God is a great, big God who have the best plan for me, who loves me. I have a great, great God in all my days and nights.

Now, in the beginning when he asked if I would like to go on a date with him. I said “umm… sure,” then the following morning at the church parking lot, I told him inside of his car that I would like to wait. Then the following week, I said “Sure,” that I would be okay to date him. He was happy. I thought I was sure, but I did felt a little nervous to my stomach because there is a part of me that is dealing with the unknown of the future. However, the following day, I met up with my friend and told her about him. She was feeling sketchy about the situation, since we just met. She thought that I was not quite sure what I want and I seemed to be second guessing myself about the dating situation. She also told me not to lead him on. Now, I am not sure why I gave her the impression that I am leading him on. But that certainly made me think whether I want to date S.

Two days later after meeting my friend, I met with another friend from my sorority to talk about dating. I learned many things from her. I learned that it is okay to hold hands and hug. I wanted to make sure that I am obeying God. S. and I laid boundary when we first dated that there should be no kissing until later in the relationship. We both agreed and I was glad he respected the request.

He is a good guy; polite, considered, and responsible. I realized that I liked him. In the beginning, I had no idea why he would want to date me, I questioned him several times, which I was apparently okay with his answers.

In the beginning, I was definitely thought about lowering our dating status to good friend   (after I had already accepted to date him, which I thought about this the next day). I simply gone with it and did not say anything about lowering our status. Part of the reason why I considered lowering our status is because of school and I also wanted to make sure that he truly wanted to date me, for real.

Anyway, so far, I like S. more than the day we first met. I am not sure where this is going, but I know that my God has a good plan. I am also glad that S. believes in Jesus because this factor is definitely important whether or not I would date someone.

So far, dating has been pretty fun. It is definitely a new experience for me and I am still learning. I like to see him and spend time with him. I typically do not spend a lot of time around others. I simply like to just do my thing. I don’t typically like to hangout that much either, but with S., I don’t mind. In fact, I enjoy his company.

Wow, this is certainly fascinating. One thing is that S. is not that complicated. His thinking is pretty much simple. He loves cars and have red hair. He also had his own YouTube channel, which I thought is cool.

Anyway, I am going to end this tonight. It has been fun writing on this page after a while of not posting this blog.

Goodnight and sleep tight. Wake up tomorrow to do your laundry and possibly study and make delicious breakfast!