Failure Lead to Success?

Not to sound pessimistic, but not all failures will lead to success if that failures aren’t learn. I am not sure how to feel good about this because I obviously felt bad after realizing that I could have done much better on my second chemistry exam. Exhale. Really, I was under prepared. The test is not impossible to make an A. I definitely could make an A, IF I was better prepare and be MORE ALERT. I am disappointed, deeply. But, there is nothing I could do about it now since it has already passed.

I have another exam tomorrow. A statistic test and another one on Tuesday and Wednesday. I need to prepare for the statistic exam ASAP to avoid disappointments, negativity, and all sorts of self-doubt and self-blaming emotion.

I am not sure how to cope with failure in exam or in life. When I did some google searching, I am hoping to find something relating to “what does the scripture says about failure.” I sure God is bigger than any failure in my life. But my mind, at this moment, I only see and feel what I want to see and feel, so the bigger picture is definitely not into focus. I felt that I deserved to feel this negativity since I made the decision.

Right now, my worry or fear is that I would repeat this mistake twice; again and again. I don’t want that. I absolutely terrify of that. I cannot even think about it.

I am having a conflict here. I wanted to put God first in my life, but right now, at this moment,  I will still put God FIRST in my life. I also will increase my work ethics as I truly wanted to go to medical school. It’s my dream. Thinking about it makes me hopeful, but the short sighted reality is that I have 1 more test this week and 2 more tests the week after.

Life can be hard if I make it hard.

I needed to have better strategies for studying and planing each and every step well to have a smoother life in college. I need to make sure that I plan accordingly. Whatever I am doing right now is not working. It very rushing and not clever. I need a clever planing. I only have 4 classes this semester. It’s not unbearable. I just need to make a better sense of myself, start making smart decision, plan ahead, and to be on top of things! That’s what’s calls success! Start reorganizing your life and don’t ever lose sight of God.

Today is Friday

Okay, so today is Friday. It felt good. Friday is a “Fineday.” So when I came to college, I was wondering will I be able to find the friend that I can truly be myself around her with. I knew that somehow I will find that friend, but the question is “how long…will it take to find her?” Well, recently, literally, today, I think I might have found her, but then again this might be like an episode sort of thing. Today is EP.1, who knows, whether how long this series, movie, short film, or whatever so called friendship will last. Surprisingly, I can be myself around N. in a short amount of time.

We had a class together and after class I went up to the professor to ask questions and N. was also asking questions too. That was the first time I noticed her and then I met her again after class and we walked together to find the exit stair to the bottom floor. I didn’t think of her much then, simply someone I met, I didn’t ask for her name either. But she was certainly funny, I thought, because of how she is, she seems chill and into the present, which I like!

We met again in a organization that I was interested in learning more about. I did not know that we would be interested in the same organization. I met her there, but we didn’t have a conversation. We just say “HEY! You were in my stats class.”

Friday arrived, which is today and we met in our stats class, we talked, clicked and we became friend. It was a nice story. I am loving the fact that I made one friend that I can  be myself around her.

I am in college. I often heard people told me that you will find your life long friend here. I truly wanted that. I wanted to make good friends and got invited to their wedding, birthday parties, etc. Fun, dressing up events that sort of thing. I wanted a good college hood and I am trying to make friends. I can have my walls up, so I hoping to let loose a bit. So far so good. I definitely wanted to make one great friend than have 10 friends on my phone that I barely text.

I am excited for college. I decided to join an all girls organization at my university that devoted their life to God. I think I will find some good friendship there. Hopefully, this students led organization will led to the unexpected and there are times when I love surprises.

Cheer to my journey in college that will last about 3 years. It will goes by fast, I wanted to make sure I cherish it, embrace it, and be reminded of it to share my experience with others.

There has been times…

There has been times when I am sitting with 250+ people in a lecture hall in college and wonder, “What am I doing here, exactly?” and why am I only listening to, who knows, so called “professor.” I had these thoughts that what these professors’ life had been before they got into this position, where they had 250+ something audiences, some willingly, most, I am guessing, unwillingly listening to them talk about something that more than likely will not be retained, other than perhaps emotional-connected topic. Seriously, I wonder why in the world am I listening and lacking facial expression. It was such a huge class, so it was harder to ask multiple questions when I wanted to ask because that’s the way I engage truly. The fact that information comes out of professor’s mouth to 250+ students ears, I wondered whether these information will actually be processed or were they simply went out the other ear.

I am sure there has been days when I love going to lecture, those days are typically days I prepare for class. Still,  I sometime wish that I can interact and ask questions and not simply sit like a stone and listening to words. 😪

So far, I am still questioning one of my professors motive about teaching the class of whether or not she cares about passing on her understanding of the concept to the students or is she simply going to let the textbook teach us. I strongly belief that human’s way of understanding the material from the textbook and apply in words to other human being can be easier to understand than learning the material on our own. Once I understand difficult problem, I can teach the material to my sister in less than amount of time she will have to understand on  her own because I knew which parts were tricky or confusing. Teacher or tutors whom were struggling when they learned the concept will tend to be better explainers.

I truly hope I can master chemistry and genetics, along with labs this semester. I will try to stay positive and motivated all throughout. For now, goodnight and sleep tight! 🛌💤