Learning the hard way

If you were immature, stubborn, or naive like me in regards to loving relationships then this personal reflection will be relatable. I have my values when dating. The most important is for my relationship be centered on God because for everything that I do I always wanted to be reminded to bring all the glory to Him and being in a relationship is no difference than how I think, behave, drive, or eat. I always wanted to be minded of who I do what I do for—God in heaven; my Savior. My brain knows what I ought to do but my heart doesn’t cooperate with my conviction to do know is right. The mistakes I made allowed me to realized that knowing isn’t enough, but to be purposeful and stick through what I wholeheartedly believe is a must. I need to believe with my brain, but my heart also definitely needed agreement. My heart and brain must work together to follow-through, know when to stop, and cut something-someone that are hazardous to my life. I had compromised my No. 1 must have in a person and lied to myself and the relationship ended up hurting me more than anything I’ve ever felt. For many months it seemed like I had this ghost following me everywhere I went: familiar-restaurants, a particular type of car, and certain foods or activities. A 5-month relationship turn into a year of pain and guilt recovery. Some of us (me included), had to learn lesson the hard ways for whatever reasons. I was reckless and significantly under-estimated the enemies on what seemingly like a harmless battle◽️. I lost so much of myself and I was trying to find myself and recovered from the defeat I felt within me. The pain was so great that the next time around when I see red flags I will know to trust my God-given intuition and wisdoms to discern potential enemies covering in pure white (also known as an anti-Christ). These are innocence lambs covered-up by the heart of wolves and sharp, shape claws. There are so many red flags if I had taken a step back and ask God as well as listen to Him and what signs He methodologically unveiled, I would be safer. I can’t taken back all the mistakes and bed memories I faced, but as cliche as this next line will sound, I will learn, repent, and be equipped towards the next, potentially, more dangerous battles. God know what my weaknesses are and He will never abandon me. I know God saved me from my sins and doesn’t hold grudges. His love is the purest, incomparable to any kinds of this world.

I realized that one of the hardest actions for me to take in relationship is to say no. I struggle with keeping the peace and compromising what actually is important to me. I ignored the conviction, but instead working to toxically please the hidden ones. I learn to discern signs God showed me early on in the relationship, because He knew that this situation will eventually lead to destructions. I definitely didn’t trust God to be my absolute counselor and instead followed my fleshly-desires full oh guilts and shames. God indeeds forgive those who asked under His name for forgiveness yet it doesn’t mean that I won’t face the consequences for my decisions.

Food

This is interesting how much my mind thinks about food. What food do I crave, what do I want to make, what sounds good right now, etc. Foods pop in my mind all the time and I could not help but thought what it would be like to eat them!

I guessed it’s not a bad thing. It’s better than thinking about more horrible stuff.

I was watching YouTube video about which chain restaurants had the best fried chicken then right after I finished that video, I then watched which chain restaurants had the best chicken tenders. Can you believe how much I love watching food videos and then craving them afterwards.. umm that’s me.

I really want to make good fried chicken, but sometimes I think buying them is quicker and easier. They taste good too. However, I get more chicken making them at home and it probably has a better quality. It would not exactly taste like when I buy from restaurants but I safe more money and it’s healthier too.

I don’t know when I became so obsessed with chicken especially frying them. I think I’m going to make chicken lemon fettuccine Alfredo tomorrow 👌

Alright, goodnight

Today has been a good day

Today has been amazing. I woke up earlier than usual so I get more things done. I did my laundry and went grocery shopping at a store I thought would be less crowded than the store I usually go to. I bought a lot of groceries. It was a challenge carrying all of them in one trip from my car to my room. Bit with God’s help, I did it. I cleared my fridge, got rid of old foods (which is not very many) and clean all the dishes from the old food and that was nice. The weather was nice outside, I did not feel rushed at all shopping or driving. I made one my favorite dishes and eat while also watching Tarzan II. After that I drink a cherry juice that my uncle recommended and that was good too because cherry helps cardiovascular health! Them I sat and trying to study but one of my good friend, Roxanne called and I gladly and excitedly answered. We chatted a while and noted we need to hangout again very soon! Now I am eating yogurt typing about my day. Today has been amazing, tomorrow will be too

I honestly learned

Sometimes, we should sit and listen to ourselves. Listening meaning communicate with ourselves and what we wanted.

I listened to a Thai Talk Show. But saying that it’s a talk show might be misinterpreted because it’s a talk show that is very honest and thought provoking. They talked about relationship stuff. People who went through a divorce as well as new found love. What they learned–sharing their experiences with the viewers. I honestly I can relate with one the celebrity who went through a divorce. Not that I’ve been in one. It was not her divorce story that I could relate, but I could relate with her problems. Because what she struggle to see I what I can see myself and actually do have it. The struggle that she had I also see it in me. Her story teach me that if I’m not careful or don’t do anything with these traits that I have, I will have to live the consequences. I can foresee my own doing to myself. It’s like I’m hurting myself. If I don’t do anything.

I know I’m selfish, demanding, and think of myself first. I had it when I was little. I have it now. Little or a lot I still have it. When I see myself as bigger and better than other people. They should do things for me. That they should do x, y, and z for me.

I was raised by love from my parents. It’s a love that always give to me. Without me having to earn or give as much because I was always receiving. I’m not saying love should be earn. But sometimes when I’m earning and earning. I also don’t learn or see the need to give because I was always in the receiving end of the spectrum and I will continue to live this life not knowing that it is not the life that I want for me. I was raised and also of my own doing, to receive and not give love or to care for others as much. I want to be a doctor also due to stability, it was my dream job, it seems prestigious, but I also know that being a doctor I must learn to give with love. I must learn to care for others even if they may not know who to care for themselves. I’m not perfect. But it takes a good, improve heart in the field. Am I up for the job, the Lord will show me.

I realized that I live day-to-day, keeping myself busy as a distraction for the problem that requires self-talk. How can I live life better. How to live and chasing something that’s worthwhile. I know chasing God is a way to go. Well, how to chase after God. Read your bible? Go to church? Have everything be up to the Lord?

Many many thing is God’s plan. I believe He plan out my life for me with whatever plan has had. I’m going through this period in life because perhaps it was time that I learn something he knew I lacked and is reminding me to the fruit he plan for me to be.

Pride and selfishness stems from the same source. No matter what this is I need to thrive to be better with God’s help.

I know if self-center and selfish, as well as not caring for others in the capacity I had wanted someone to be for me. I expect a lot but yield so little.

If I continue to live this life and be ok with it. I might not experience the kind of love, joy, and peace I want for myself, those around me, and my loved one. I don’t know if this is being hard on yourself or what. I may over think it. I don’t know, but the conclusion that I received today are lessons I’ve been neglected for quite some times now.

I will not be able to see the split or log in anyone’s eye when I have a trunk in my own.

This new year, there are things I wanted such as boots and a nice pair of jeans. May be a dress. I also knew that there are deeper things I need more in life. I honestly need to get in touch with myself more. Set aside time for myself and love ones to sit back and talk. To have a deep conversation with myself that I know I love. Sometimes, the deepest emotions to have is with myself.

Could our relationship have worked?

I would say probably. But why it didn’t work out? It was because I ignored myself. I didn’t listen to myself. I didn’t follow my own advice that I might be good at telling to others.

I wouldn’t change anything because I can’t change the past. What I can do is with the future. It’s sometimes an alternation between focusing on what’s in front of me and looking ahead. Just like when I run.

Sometimes, I wonder about God, but at the same times He is always with me even when I don’t think he is. Because I can feel it. His love for me. That makes me know that even when it seems hard,m. Even when I’m struggling. There will be good things that comes around for me to be thankful for in this life.

Listening to musics

Learning to be happy and full on my own is a must. I’m trying. It is absolutely untrue that in order to be happy, you must be in relationship. Sure, relationship can certainly make you happy. May be a lot. But it doesn’t have to be that way. There is a way to still be happy and that is through Jesus Christ. I’m lacking in this aspect. I must need him more and asking him to fulfill my empty soul. A not so joyful soul.

Life is short. I don’t want to wasted on memories. But I wanted to let it be wasted on making new ones. It’s absolutely critical that I living my life. Listening to good musics. Go on an adventure. Do fun things. Don’t wasted on disappointments. Cry if it makes you feel better but only do it if it’s going to make you feel better to get back up.

My mom’s so funny. She worried if I’m going to have depression. There are different types of depressive disorders. One being the most common form is call major depressive disorder (MDD) or clinical depression and another called persistent depressive disorder (PDD). Both are undesirable, but if you have PDD, you don’t even know if you have it, because you’re always feeling depressed. That’s scary. MDD patient are likely to be in the baseline if they’re not experiencing bouts of depression. I hope I don’t have either of disorders. It’s scary.

The symptoms of depressions are:

-little or excessive sleep

-lost of motivation

-little or excessive eating

-antisocial tendency

-anger

I don’t know, I don’t want it. Hopefully, I can get back to my normal self very very soon.

At the end

At the end, I’ll continue to do what I want, right? When will this change? Jesus, I wanted to hang out with him because I miss him. Can I do that? Will I get hurt? Why do I throw myself onto someone like that? Is there no self worth what-so-ever? Do I even love myself? Do you love yourself or do you love him?

Why does it have to be this hard? Maybe it doesn’t have to be this hard at all? If I can just hangout because I wanted to.

Does he even wanted to hangout with me? I don’t even know.

I just wanted to watch movie with him? And will I be satisfy with just that when the movie ended? Answer yourself that.

Maybe if we talk?

Yes, I’ll be satisfy.

Will I except a no?

Yes.

Will I be sad if he say no?

I would just f* it off?

Yeah.

If there is one thing you learned at 22

If there is one thing I learned at 22 is that life is too short–

-to be sad

-to be miserable

-for wishful thinking at things I can’t or don’t have

Life is too short to be wasted on heart break or wishing for something that isn’t meant to be or what not.

My dad and I had this talk. He opened my eyes in many things. He’s right.

I’ve been wasting my life being sad and miserable. I should go out and enjoy things. I really should. I want to learn how to skate. Well, go do that. Regardless of worrying about getting hurt, falling, and such. Go buy yourself a skateboard. Practice it everyday and see what that will do to you.

You always have the inclination for adrenaline. Learning how to skate will also pave your way for snowboarding, which has been something you always wanted to do.

Cam, life is too short to be wasted on sadness or disappointment. If it doesn’t go your way, it is ok because there are life left to do more thing. Let it go~let it go~ like what Frozen 1 told you.

Live your life. You really should do that. There isn’t lots of girl who skate on campus. If you learn it over summer break, you would be so cool doing it. Or even a long board, but skating is harder, so go hard or go home.

But yourself a skate board and thank God always.