All in the Head. All About Perspective.

It’s late, precisely 1:12 am in the morning. I made an instant coffee, knowing that I would need it tonight to finish my 2 of my assignments and a powerpoint presentation. I still have to also make the PPT, bibliography, as well as start practicing the presentation. I need to know what I am talking about first. I have a test on Friday that I also have to study for.

I called my friend today. I vented my problem to her. She give me advice. She basically told me that it is up to me and that we’ve been over this many times now. She basically got tired of my ****. Anyhow, my other friend, who I typically talked to, said that I basically have an emotional struggle, which I laughed because it’s not necessarily false.

I attempted to called my mom. She didn’t answered. I then called my dad, he picked-up. I cried in front of him. He tried to comfort me until he got a little frustrated at me and basically told me to be some senses. He basically told to get-up-and-get-going-on-with-my-life.

Claudia, one of my friends, asked if I am settling. I didn’t want to settle, but I am hung-up on this problem–this emotional struggle.

My heart and brain completely says to different things. My feelings want to do what its wants, which is getting back into being in a relationship. My brain and conscious and sometimes my value, dignity, and pride prevented me from doing all those things I wanted. If I can just live life. Doing whatever I want to do, what would that turn out. Live life however I want to–being free. No bondage. Would I then be happy?

I want to get back with him, why can’t I? No one supported my decision. No one. Absolutely none. I’m the only one who want to do what she wants. Aren’t I am my own protagonist in this life? In this story? Can we work things out.

He doesn’t bring any good in me. In fact, more than anything, he can make me become negative just like himself. So why do I want to be with someone like that? He has depression and is not even completely over his ex-gf. Well, why, then, would I want to be with someone like that? Is it as simple as love? Is it truly that stupid? What if this love is not even reciprocated? What if he will just toss me aside? What if he just going to dump me at the end? What if he changed his mind? What if he changed his behavior–treat me badly, abuse me, curse at me, and ignored me? If he does all that, would I still love him?

Think. Really. If it because I had that with him that’s why it is hard to get rid of?

I am wide awake. People tell me to be strong. They told me that there are better people out there for me.

Can I accept that he will not going to ever fulfill me? I am 22 years old.

If he rejected me, am I going to be ok?

Can you live without him? Yes, I can.

Enough of thinking about him.

Enough of waiting on him.

Enough of being miserable.

Enough of crying about him.

Enough of caring about him.

Enough of everything that has to do with him.

He doesn’t care about you, Cam. He doesn’t. Not nearly as you would care about him. He also doesn’t love you nearly as you love him. He doesn’t value or protect you as much as you would about him. He didn’t choose you. He just doesn’t say it. Do you really need him to tell you directly that. That he doesn’t love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Please learn to accept the truth. Stop lying to yourself. Stop dwelling in this misery hole. You need to get up already. It has been 5 months of restlessness. You’re doing this to yourself. He has moved on. You haven’t. He is gone. You stayed at the same, exact spot. It is time that you do something, please do something. Just something. Gather yourself. Stop thinking about him. Gather all your broken pieces and leave as you are.

I love to write

It has been such a burden. I have to be strong. My heart says one thing, my head says another. I may be infatuated or loved I don’t know with someone who weren’t available or perhaps has many baggage. I am living the consequences for sure and it’s painful. Everybody tells me no. But I still feel what I feel. It is extremely difficult that I can’t do anything about it. I had no idea that this is happening to me. I don’t understand why, turn this way. I want to do what I want to do. I do. I want to do what I want to do. I want to talk to him. I miss him. I probably loved him more than I should.

Chad, I really miss you. I wish you would text me. Asking how I am doing. It doesn’t matter what you did to me because I might have love you. My heart hurts so much because of you. My love though is probably not reciprocate, but at least, I guess I don’t know what my feelings are like. Perhaps I am experiencing “love” when it’s gone. Perhaps it took me longer to realized my own feelings. Perhaps I wasn’t honest with how I felt. I want to talk to you, to text you. To see how you’re doing. You never made an effort to text. You didn’t and that’s ok. I miss you. I want to kiss, hug, and hug you more tighter. Even if your heart doesn’t belong to me, well, perhaps I did loved you and I don’t know what happened but it turned really bad. You hurt me once and you probably, highly will hurt me again. I can’t do that to myself. As it has been painful. I don’t know if this is love or what as I don’t know what love really felt like. I miss you and I don’t know what to do about it. Everyone told me no. Don’t do it. No, moved on. No, focus on yourself. I’m here still thinking about you. My stomach hurts.

Jesus, is he no the one you prepare for me. I need you, but I sound like a hypocrite that I am. I don’t know what to do, my Lord. Please help me. I need you because I cannot do it on my own. Lord, I absolutely can’t. Lord, I need you. So so much. Please, my Lord. I need you. This man if he isn’t what you prepare for me, please heal my pain, it has been long enough, it has been painful enough. I want him out of my brain, heart, and me. I want him gone. I don’t want to look for him. I want him away from my thought. I want to no having to think about him. My mind has been occupy with his thought.

Last Session

So I talked to the therapist today. I told her my value. She told me that it seems like I regretted the decision. Well, don’t we all have that regret anyways after break up and isn’t it normal? I mean I am doing better emotionally. So much better. It is a blessing. I honestly thanked God for it. Also, I don’t know what to do at this point like I don’t. She told if I want I can contact him, text him to see. Well, boy I also told her I am scared of being rejected or hurt again. So, here is the thing, one) I could be rejected, he could have told me, I have moved on, etc. two) even if we get into the relationship, I am scared of how it will turn out. I don’t know if this is just wasn’t it or I am hindering myself from something. It is one or the other. Maybe the fact that I am feeling this way is 1) we weren’t it 2) I am hindering/limiting myself.

Like may be there is something I need to fix and is wrong with me or perhaps it is the relationship itself that no matter what it is Not going to work, etc.

What do I want is a good question?

I want  a great support system. Someone who would support me, help me etc.

Someone who will hold me accountable and have God be the center of our lives.

Someone who can handle me? Maybe I need to handle myself, not them.

Someone fun, funny, to lighten things up.

Will I am going to like everything about relationship? Probably not.

Is the companionship crap worth it? Not really.

Do I need to figure out this or will I simply going to wait.

I will wait. I will wait. I will wait. I will wait.

It was also my fault, of course. I didn’t;t communicate my feelings, etc.

Alright well, let just talk after the test, ok? OK? YEAH?

 

 

Therapist HW

I’ve been going to a therapist and each week she would give me homework assignments to help me improve whatever she wanted for me to improved on. Ok, I sounded a little unenthusiastic, but that is perhaps I am getting better and better with my feelings. So the assignment was what are my values? I am not quite sure which way I need to approach it, whether a value for other person to have or a value I have for myself. Anyhow, here are my values for myself and others

Patience

Respect

Kindness

Gentleness

Honesty/Loyalty

 

 

 

Hhhola

Yo, I miss ya. Not missing being in a relationship. I sort of miss ya. And it’s ok. I supposed. I have the worse eyes for a guy. I hope you’re doing well. I’m still thinking about you. I miss you, C.

There are people here that I need to love and care more. She is right in front of me.

I think about you. Weird right. Bad for me.