Writing

I’m about to go see the carillon ceremony at my school. There will also be carol of lights afterward.

Nostalgia is getting less and less to me.

I’m happy with everything going on so far.

I have my final left. I’m a little…

But it’ll be ok. Everything will be ok.

I just shower. I love the smell of after shower the most. It’s the best.

I miss you a bit. But everything will be ok. Acceptance and moving on is part of recovery. Life is too short to be sad or regret about the past.

Everything is good.

Listening to good musics. Work hard and stay humble. My 22 years of life is not the grandest, but it might as well just be with a switch of a mind. God knows and works through all things even if I don’t know or see his work. I will eventually see it. Trust and give thanks to Him. For his Goodness and provision.

All in the Head. All About Perspective.

It’s late, precisely 1:12 am in the morning. I made an instant coffee, knowing that I would need it tonight to finish my 2 of my assignments and a powerpoint presentation. I still have to also make the PPT, bibliography, as well as start practicing the presentation. I need to know what I am talking about first. I have a test on Friday that I also have to study for.

I called my friend today. I vented my problem to her. She give me advice. She basically told me that it is up to me and that we’ve been over this many times now. She basically got tired of my ****. Anyhow, my other friend, who I typically talked to, said that I basically have an emotional struggle, which I laughed because it’s not necessarily false.

I attempted to called my mom. She didn’t answered. I then called my dad, he picked-up. I cried in front of him. He tried to comfort me until he got a little frustrated at me and basically told me to be some senses. He basically told to get-up-and-get-going-on-with-my-life.

Claudia, one of my friends, asked if I am settling. I didn’t want to settle, but I am hung-up on this problem–this emotional struggle.

My heart and brain completely says to different things. My feelings want to do what its wants, which is getting back into being in a relationship. My brain and conscious and sometimes my value, dignity, and pride prevented me from doing all those things I wanted. If I can just live life. Doing whatever I want to do, what would that turn out. Live life however I want to–being free. No bondage. Would I then be happy?

I want to get back with him, why can’t I? No one supported my decision. No one. Absolutely none. I’m the only one who want to do what she wants. Aren’t I am my own protagonist in this life? In this story? Can we work things out.

He doesn’t bring any good in me. In fact, more than anything, he can make me become negative just like himself. So why do I want to be with someone like that? He has depression and is not even completely over his ex-gf. Well, why, then, would I want to be with someone like that? Is it as simple as love? Is it truly that stupid? What if this love is not even reciprocated? What if he will just toss me aside? What if he just going to dump me at the end? What if he changed his mind? What if he changed his behavior–treat me badly, abuse me, curse at me, and ignored me? If he does all that, would I still love him?

Think. Really. If it because I had that with him that’s why it is hard to get rid of?

I am wide awake. People tell me to be strong. They told me that there are better people out there for me.

Can I accept that he will not going to ever fulfill me? I am 22 years old.

If he rejected me, am I going to be ok?

Can you live without him? Yes, I can.

Enough of thinking about him.

Enough of waiting on him.

Enough of being miserable.

Enough of crying about him.

Enough of caring about him.

Enough of everything that has to do with him.

He doesn’t care about you, Cam. He doesn’t. Not nearly as you would care about him. He also doesn’t love you nearly as you love him. He doesn’t value or protect you as much as you would about him. He didn’t choose you. He just doesn’t say it. Do you really need him to tell you directly that. That he doesn’t love you. Is that what you wanted to hear?

Please learn to accept the truth. Stop lying to yourself. Stop dwelling in this misery hole. You need to get up already. It has been 5 months of restlessness. You’re doing this to yourself. He has moved on. You haven’t. He is gone. You stayed at the same, exact spot. It is time that you do something, please do something. Just something. Gather yourself. Stop thinking about him. Gather all your broken pieces and leave as you are.

I love to write

It has been such a burden. I have to be strong. My heart says one thing, my head says another. I may be infatuated or loved I don’t know with someone who weren’t available or perhaps has many baggage. I am living the consequences for sure and it’s painful. Everybody tells me no. But I still feel what I feel. It is extremely difficult that I can’t do anything about it. I had no idea that this is happening to me. I don’t understand why, turn this way. I want to do what I want to do. I do. I want to do what I want to do. I want to talk to him. I miss him. I probably loved him more than I should.

Chad, I really miss you. I wish you would text me. Asking how I am doing. It doesn’t matter what you did to me because I might have love you. My heart hurts so much because of you. My love though is probably not reciprocate, but at least, I guess I don’t know what my feelings are like. Perhaps I am experiencing “love” when it’s gone. Perhaps it took me longer to realized my own feelings. Perhaps I wasn’t honest with how I felt. I want to talk to you, to text you. To see how you’re doing. You never made an effort to text. You didn’t and that’s ok. I miss you. I want to kiss, hug, and hug you more tighter. Even if your heart doesn’t belong to me, well, perhaps I did loved you and I don’t know what happened but it turned really bad. You hurt me once and you probably, highly will hurt me again. I can’t do that to myself. As it has been painful. I don’t know if this is love or what as I don’t know what love really felt like. I miss you and I don’t know what to do about it. Everyone told me no. Don’t do it. No, moved on. No, focus on yourself. I’m here still thinking about you. My stomach hurts.

Jesus, is he no the one you prepare for me. I need you, but I sound like a hypocrite that I am. I don’t know what to do, my Lord. Please help me. I need you because I cannot do it on my own. Lord, I absolutely can’t. Lord, I need you. So so much. Please, my Lord. I need you. This man if he isn’t what you prepare for me, please heal my pain, it has been long enough, it has been painful enough. I want him out of my brain, heart, and me. I want him gone. I don’t want to look for him. I want him away from my thought. I want to no having to think about him. My mind has been occupy with his thought.

Last Session

So I talked to the therapist today. I told her my value. She told me that it seems like I regretted the decision. Well, don’t we all have that regret anyways after break up and isn’t it normal? I mean I am doing better emotionally. So much better. It is a blessing. I honestly thanked God for it. Also, I don’t know what to do at this point like I don’t. She told if I want I can contact him, text him to see. Well, boy I also told her I am scared of being rejected or hurt again. So, here is the thing, one) I could be rejected, he could have told me, I have moved on, etc. two) even if we get into the relationship, I am scared of how it will turn out. I don’t know if this is just wasn’t it or I am hindering myself from something. It is one or the other. Maybe the fact that I am feeling this way is 1) we weren’t it 2) I am hindering/limiting myself.

Like may be there is something I need to fix and is wrong with me or perhaps it is the relationship itself that no matter what it is Not going to work, etc.

What do I want is a good question?

I want  a great support system. Someone who would support me, help me etc.

Someone who will hold me accountable and have God be the center of our lives.

Someone who can handle me? Maybe I need to handle myself, not them.

Someone fun, funny, to lighten things up.

Will I am going to like everything about relationship? Probably not.

Is the companionship crap worth it? Not really.

Do I need to figure out this or will I simply going to wait.

I will wait. I will wait. I will wait. I will wait.

It was also my fault, of course. I didn’t;t communicate my feelings, etc.

Alright well, let just talk after the test, ok? OK? YEAH?

 

 

Therapist HW

I’ve been going to a therapist and each week she would give me homework assignments to help me improve whatever she wanted for me to improved on. Ok, I sounded a little unenthusiastic, but that is perhaps I am getting better and better with my feelings. So the assignment was what are my values? I am not quite sure which way I need to approach it, whether a value for other person to have or a value I have for myself. Anyhow, here are my values for myself and others

Patience

Respect

Kindness

Gentleness

Honesty/Loyalty

 

 

 

Hhhola

Yo, I miss ya. Not missing being in a relationship. I sort of miss ya. And it’s ok. I supposed. I have the worse eyes for a guy. I hope you’re doing well. I’m still thinking about you. I miss you, C.

There are people here that I need to love and care more. She is right in front of me.

I think about you. Weird right. Bad for me.

I’ve heard

Someone had told me that one the remedy for getting over pain, heartbreak, disappointment, events that trigger negative feelings inside us is to get in touch with the things you love. Whether that be getting new jobs, following yours dreams, or writing are things that might as well heal you.

Writing has been something that I often go to whenever something disappointing happened in my life. I just know that I have got to write to express what is inside of me. It has been a door for me to release, to enter, and pour my feelings in. It is a blessing.

I’ve been through a heartbreak. It has been something that a written word cannot fully expressed. The word I could think of is pain, questions, sadness, confusions, dissatisfy. Questions are a big one. A huge one.

I’ve been going to a therapist. She told me many things. Things that I hear, but may not have it them in. Things that I’ve heard and it made me feel pain and sad. The word rebound, manipulation for instance.

I think I am frustrated that I can’t be honest when I was in the relationship. That’s why I could get out of the whirlwind, the circle, the lost. I was circling around the answers. I wasn’t able to break free from whatever I was fearing–disappointment. There was conflicts, lots of it. I was battling with the problem of relationship as well as my own.

I couldn’t seem to say what I felt. I couldn’t express all of my concern, worries, and doubts. I didn’t my break through moment. It has always been lurking around what I wanted to say, but did not get to or fear the outcome.

I just don’t seem to win myself in the process. The problem wasn’t the relationship itself. The problem was me. That I wasn’t able to be honest with myself. That I wasn’t able to be strong enough to listen to my conscious, which is why I was circling around this idea of him that it was his fault. Regardless of what happened, I wasn’t able to let it go because I wasn’t able to be strong enough, honest enough to win myself.

That I didn’t say no when I need to. That I didn’t stand up for what I believe in. That I just let it happened. That I let it happened to me. That I didn’t say “this is enough.” That I didn’t tell him exactly how I felt. That I was weak. I was weak. I was not able to stand up for the things I believe in. That I just let it happened to me. That I didn’t stood up for myself. That I was weak.

Yes, I was weak. But I at the same time, I can start building myself up, one-by-one, piece-by-piece. There is nothing in this world (beside God) that will make me completely disappear. Not relationship, not failure, not laziness, not unrequited love, not loneliness, not disappointment. I want to live life without fear. Analyze things that came my way. Stand up for myself. Say and know all the right things, yet believe them to the core.

God says to not be afraid. He said He is protecting me. He said that I wouldn’t let anything temp me beyond my willingness to coup/deal with them. He will always be with me. There is nothing that could separate us, none. I am his and will always be. One guy, compared to him, is incomparable. God is bigger than all my worries, fears, and anything and everything.

 

Do I have fear of commitment or is the person was simply not right

This is a question I have because when things get difficult, I will break it off because it seems like things are not getting better. Mostly, I felt that he cannot handle me. I believed that the right person perhaps might be able to handle me when I am being unreasonable. For instance, I had love it if they would speak to me calmly and not be hurtful even when I was being unreasonable. I know I am being unreasonable at times, my feelings get hurt when I expected certain things and did not received like if I myself out of the car and I called the handyman, I expected my bf to come with me during the process. He didn’t and that hurts me. To me that is saying he doesn’t care. Or when I told him I felt like crying, to me if he didn’t do anything about but only said that now he felt bad, well that right there means that he didn’t care. Because if someone were to say that to me, I would seek them out. I questioned whether he truly cares. Whenever we argued it seemed like he was always so hurtful, talking about his past relationship that he put in so much more in this relationship than his last or that my action made him more appreciative of his ex and what she did. OMG, thinking about it makes me felt disgusted and pitied. He was such a toxic guy. There were moments when I questioned his genuineness. How can someone be so hurtful with his words like how he tried to hurt me.

I questioned whether I have commitment issue or simply because I foresee that this relationship was actually not going to work. It seems to me that I can’t be direct with him because he would just burst. I felt that I had to walk on an egg shell with him when I want to in fact just say things. I don’t know what went wrong. I can’t go back if I can’t figured it out. Is it me or is it him? Perhaps both, perhaps more him than me or more me than him. I couldn’t decide. Perhaps this is also another reason why I have harder time moving on? Again, I felt like I can’t be honest with him because he will just burst; get angry and bang on stuff. He can hardly control his emotion like a normal person. The stuff he said to me, if I were to be the one who said those things instead, he would probably hurt me physically. This guy is toxic, but it is sad because I want to see people be better, I want to see him be better. But I, myself, also gets hurt feelings too like whenever I tried to help then if he gets angry then it’s simply a cycle. I honestly, tired of trying to figured this out. I truly am tired. I don’t want to guilt anyone but I just wanted to see him be better. I feel a little sorry for him. I feel like he doesn’t want to listen to me either. What you have fought about in the past, you will fight about it again is the line I read from mydailyhoroscope.com

Honestly, I am no where near perfect and I have my ideal vision about relationship that I supposed to help two people be better right? I don’t know if what I am expecting was too much or impossible, but I do expect them. I expect my bf to help, love, and support me. I feel like if they do, then I will too, but if not then I can’t because I think I will be disappointed such as giving too much and did not get a return will disappoint me.

No one I know said that he was good for me. I can say that I wasn’t perfect either. I can be resentful. And it would take a lot of me to not be anymore, like he would have to sincerely realized what he did is wronged. But I felt that he apologized just for the sake of apologizing. Just so I could forgive him, just so I wouldn’t be mad at him, which is manipulative.

I don’t know the more I talked about this, the more I realized that I am upset. I don’t know what to do. I know that if I were to be with him again, I would still be resentful because he had no idea what he did wronged. That he absolutely can’t admit his fault. I probably want him to sincerely apologized. I can’t forgive him right on the spot, he would have to earn it with time. One apology will not fix anything. I probably won’t get what I want anyway if I were to meet and talk to him. I don’t know if I am going to get it or not, but I really want to talk, I do. I see it more clearly. I don’t know if I care about him, but I want him to treat me better, to at least respect another human being. I want to treat him with more respect as well.

I have high expectation with love and with the person I will be with. Perhaps because I am raised that way. My dad provided everything for me. He is always there. Always there helping me. Carrying all the groceries. Fixing my car when he didn’t properly knew how. Cook for me. Surprised me. You see, there is probably not a single other person in the world who will does all these things for me.