Lonliness

Oh, boy. Who ever thought, I had felt bored and perhaps lonely. It is not that I thought of myself as indivisible, but honestly, I don’t feel lonely, until perhaps now. I think it is good that I feel this way because when people told me, “But wont’t you be lonely?” I quickly responded to them, “No! But I can see why you would say that.” This made me realize that people do feel lonesome at times, especially in college. I honestly, do not typically feel lonely because I occupy myself with stuff I needed to do. Well, I don’t know, now, I didn’t occupy myself, so I am experiencing something quite not fun here, loneliness perhaps boredom that could quite turn into loneliness easily. I used to be really comfortable with quietness, the quieter, the better. I am typically very much so happy being by myself. Now, I wanted to go back to that phrase of being able to again enjoying my own company.

It is sad that I am feeling this way, it is truly is. I am not sure if God has place me into this position in order for me to learn something, otherwise wouldn’t. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I have the MCAT that needed to be studied. I am taking a class in biomedical ethics that can always be learned ahead. I also can organize my room. Additionally,  I can also review old materials for the MCAT and even learned organic chemistry that I will take this fall. I can name many things that can be completed, however, where is my heart at?

Perhaps this is a side effect of a break up. I read in an article that after a break up girl will typically cry like crazy, while the guy seem to be okay initially, however, not in the long term like a month or two months later. Honestly, I think that I am a guy in this situation. I was feeling totally okay right after the break up because I feel like it was meant to be. However, I think I am feeling the side effect now, the lonesomeness. 😭😭. Anyway, the not so intelligent thing to do is to jump right into another relationship. Actually, I don’t want to restrict myself, but honestly, it would be wiser to not be in a relationship in college, in my case. I don’t need this, not now at the very least because there are goals that is ahead.

Dear God, I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I feel alone for the very first time. Perhaps, it is the side effect of my break up. It is sad. It is truly is, but I think you has place this in my life a reason and that I should rejoice. There is a verse in the Bible that mention to rejoice and give thanks even in the mist of suffering. And I knew that I am feeling something because there is a knot in my stomach. I am simply sad and I admitted it. I know there is a reason I am feeling this way, otherwise, I may not have learned what it is like to feel lonely. It kept me grounded and humbled, which is something I have been prayed for. Oh God, you’re greater than anything I could ever face in life. You are my God, my Rock, and I need as well as follow you.

The Kindness of a Stranger

I had to admit that at times,  I am a skeptic. I am skeptical about certain things and sometimes not even realizing it. I don’t always believe what other say, for instance, when I am listening in class to a professor. I listened, but I certainly have my opinions and questioned whether the fact made sense and if they didn’t then I simply stood my ground.

Yesterday was a Friday. I am hoping that one of my friend would invited me to play tennis with him. Since we both sort of threw that in the air, but both did not took the initiative. Anyway, from a week of work and taking classes, I felt asleep at around 10 pm, didn’t take shower nor even brushed my teeth (which rarely happens). I went to bed and woke up again at 4 am until falling to sleep again to wake up at around 10 am. I showered, washed my hair, blow dried it, and get dressed. I walked downstairs to make breakfast and lunch. I ate and knew that I had to go buy grocery as well as buy a book for a class I am taking in the summer.

I went to Sprout Farmer Market, which is a nice grocery store that is full of stuffs I like, it has varieties. I was choosing cilantro, and other ingratiates to make salad for the upcoming week. Then I saw a sign, “5/1 dollar Sweet Corns,” I like corn on my salad, so I decided to give it a look and choose the best corn kernel. All of a sudden, a lady around early 70 years old came and complimented my shoes and asked where had I got them from. I told her “I think I got them from Sperry.” We began our conversation that way, which I am not sure if she really liked my shoes or simply wanted a conversation. I think she really like my shoes as she continued asking where she could find them. Afterwards, she began to help me picked out corns and gave me tricks on how to choose the best corn. That’s why I titled this story “The Kindness of a Stranger.” I don’t even know her name. All I know is that this lady was kind.

Another story when I encountered another an example of kindness is the fact that my friend, I am not entirely sure if we’re “friend” quite yet, but anyway, we’re not getting into such topic. Anyway, right around 9 pm today, I was getting hungry right after my nap. I went down stairs to make a tuna sandwich. As I gather the ingredients on the kitchen counter. I started chopping celeries and bell peppers into tiny pieces, all of a sudden I received a phone call, which I thought was a FaceTime call from my sister, but when I was began to answer, I saw that it was a phone call and not a FaceTime call from my family. It was quite interesting that I received a call from someone at 9 pm. I answered, realizing that it was a male voice that I was not familiar, he kept taking, suggesting that we go get an ice-cream. I was hesitant: first, I don’t eat diary except eggs, second, I am in a middle of prepping food, and third and lastly, it is late. All of the above was the reasons why I said, “….maybe later, but thanks for inviting me,” and hung up. Anyway, I might disappointed the guy, but I had to stood my ground, I had my reasons. However, I still think it was kind of him to invite me to get ice-cream with him. He also said in the phone conversation to “don’t think too much about it.” Well, I am the way I am.

Anyways, these are story of when I encountered kindness. There are also times when this friend of mine offered to help me move my stuff into the apartment or when I asked him if he could help me picked up the elliptical and a keyboard at a lady house because he has a truck and strength. I genuinely do appreciate his help, but I don’t know if the guy is being nice just to be nice (the person he is) or if he has other intentions. Regardless, of the the reasons, I still appreciate people kindness when I didn’t expected them to be.

What I learned/ing Today

It is fascinating that one class has allowed me to think and I really mean Think. I came to a class with an expectation that it will be interesting as I have also heard from my friend, Tooba that biomedical ethics was a class she has found to be interesting. I came to the class with a positive mindset about it and as the course went on (today is our day 3) it has  struck me that wow, it makes me think. Okay, so you get the point that this class unlocked my thinking power whereas I might have been too lazy to think or to simply say, “oh well,” and did not care much less.

I am not sure if with the combination of the lack of sleep, which has heavily take part in that I am a little (or more) all over the place. I like to evaluate. I evaluate my past relationship, the topics of discussion happened today during class, etc. I evaluate pattern and behavior–this is possibly the way I am.

I am simply glad that I was partially set myself up to take this course, perhaps unconsciously or subconsciously that I had planed on taking it. I was hesitate whether or not to take this course in the beginning, and had thought of dropping it, however, if I were to drop the course, it will show on my transcript as a withdraw, which I didn’t want an unnecessarily withdrawal. Additionally, I wouldn’t be able to get a single refund for the tuition, so I continue on with the class. The main reason for hesitating whether to take the course was mostly has to do with the amount tuition, however, my conscious perhaps subconscious lead me to take the course.

My time management have got to improve.

Sometimes, it is important to do what is best for yourself first in a context, this may sounds selfish, however, take this instances for example, my friend asked if I had wanted to play tennis today at 5:30, well, I do, I really do want to play, but I know that I am tired and needed rest. I also got homework that also needs to be done. If I were to think that well,  I should play anyway because this friend, after all is a nice guy and that he invited me, and I didn’t want to reject him. Well, this won’t be good. Do what is needed to be done first in a certain context or situation. Even if I were to g play with him, 1) I won’t have as much fun, because I was too tired and perhaps he will be too, because the game was not interesting, 2) the game will be spent mostly on picking up balls instead of hitting back and fourth because I need to rest and be rejuvinated.

I also learned that I am not as direct when I am talking to someone whom I am not yet comfortable talking to, so with someone I haven’t known for very long, I tend to speak in an indirect manner in order to not hurt their feelings. With my sister, I used to be quite direct almost to the point of judgmental and critical when I try to tell her something, but I have gotten better at talking to her that whenever I wanted to recommend her about something I will speak to her gentler, she listens and will not feel hurt or criticize by it.  It is true that thoughts lead to action, sometimes we’re not sure why we acted a certain way, but there are subconscious thought that dictates our perception and also action.

I learned this at my work place as well! That we communicates more than by words! It is simply interesting. We spoke about this in my Sunday Bible School that whatever we do, we should perform as if serving for the Lord and by doing so, would allow us to be less selfish.

What I also learned at work is to complete the task I have been assign well and with the best intention.

 

God has a plan, always

No matter what, trust in the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind, is the first greatest commandment and truly does holds true. There has been many occasion all throughout my walk with Him that He has present and shown himself to me, through his miracle that I only known were from Him. There has been many occasions and I am thankful. He is all knowing, all powerful, and all presence.

God Never Fails

You have no idea that I was disappointed when I found out that I had missed a chemistry lab final that I had a 94 in the class, but since I had missed the lab final and if I couldn’t take it then I would end up with a C in the class, which is not a failing grade, however, since I had an A (before the final), it would be disappointed because I tried to get good grade in the lab.

With the hope to improve the situation, I went to the professor’s office, however, she wasn’t there at the time, so I simply waited on her at a chemistry tutoring room next door to her office. It wasn’t long until I saw her in the hallway. She seemed to be in a rush, which I didn’t knew at the time I approached her that she was on her way to the bathroom before I stopped her to discuss my situation. She quickly told me to email her with my student ID and my chemistry lab section number in order for her to open to lab final for me to complete. However, she also told me that whatever I’lll make on the lab final will be 50% off of what I get, which means that even if I scored a 100 (which is not simply to score) that I will instead get a 50. This condition is the consequence of having not taken the final on time. This made me sad and disappointed, because I had a 94 in the lab, which means that I could potentially ended up in the class with an A, however, even if I scored a 100 on the final it will scored as 50 in the grade book, which means I will get a B in the lab.

I was sad and was a tiny bit annoyed at myself for having missed the final, however, I told myself that it is okay because no matter what God got me and He has a plan. That whatever I am going through, it will work out. Even though, I messed up, but my God is greater, bigger, better, and stronger than anything I am going through. And that it will work out at the end because He is God.

So, I decided to emailed Dr. T. my ID and lab section with an added description about 3 paragraphs long of why I care and if she would be willing to help me and not take 50% off of the grade that I will make on the final.

I received her email later in the day that only said “the final has been reopen for you and that you have until 9 p.m. tonight to submit it.” I was sort of expressionless because I had hoped that she would mentioned something along the line of “I will consider.”  She told me that she had sent 2 emails, which I did opened, but did not read throughly. Notice the underlined word, “NO EXCEPTIONS.”

Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.42.58 PM

Anyway, I went ahead and took the final (which is online, but it is not easy) with a help of a friend I had never met, except through a group me, which is an app where students help other students with reminders, group study, reviews, etc. Dylan, a guy whom I texted to help me with the final replied saying that he could help me. I was so thankful and most of all to my God.  So, Dylan whom scored 92 himself and helped 2 other people scored an 88 was being so kind to help me.

So, after I finished taking my final with Dylan. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, saying how much I truly appreciate his help. He replied saying that he wasn’t that much of an effort, but ohh.. trust me, I am so thrilled. This made me realized that he is really kind.

After we departed, I went to have dinner with a friend, workout afterward, and my day pretty much ended.

Last night, my prayers were also for the chemistry lab grade that hopefully I could get an A, however, I also added that God knows.

Until today, as I am typing, I went on blackboard, which is a site where my grades are posted and I saw …Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.38.00 PM

I was so thrilled that a 94 had gone down 2 points to a 92, which may or may not be rounded to a 93, but it hardly matters because 90-100 is an A! I realized that Dr. T did not take off 50% of the final grade that I made! Which is a miracle that only God can performed and provided! Throughout my walk with Him, God has continuously shown himself to me in a way that I knew were from Him. God is so good and is always there for me that no matter the result, I know that He is God, who truly got me and even if I got a B in the course, I remembered thinking this to myself that even if I got a B in the lab that God has a plan, and He knows best.

This particular event reminded me of a story of Peter (if I had remembered the story correctly) when Jesus made him walked on water, but then Peter started to have doubts, which made him fallen and about to drown. At that moment, God is working with Peter, performing a miracle with Him, but Peter lost sight and started doubting God, so as a result he drowned. The story goes something along this line if I had remembered it correctly. But the point of referring to this story is a reminder to myself to trust in God, which means to realized that He knows. God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent (all knowing, always there, and all powerful). And to be humble that it is not me, but because of Him, of His grace, His wisdom, His power, and His love. 

This event happened and all I want is to praise God, to give Him the Glory for He is good, merciful, and just. I am so thankful to Him, so thankful. Praise be to God.

Lessons Learned About a Relationship

One thing, I learned after a break up is to be absolutely sure (in the future) that I am certain, 100%, wanted to be in a relationship with the person and that there is no”luke warm” feelings or thought such as I like him, but… or sure, why not.. sort of thought when considering dating someone.

The Lord taught me as well that the person who read and follow God’s word, has similar values that come from God, is more likely to treat the girl/guy they are dating in a manner that God directs and desires. For me, I had like to be friend with a person before I want to be in a relationship with him because friendship last longer and getting to know the person as a friend first is important.

I also learned to wait for the physical contact until wayyy later in the relationship. Instead spend time talking to the person and getting to know him/her. Of course, this should come naturally because you have an interest in the person. The conversation shouldn’t feel force, but flows naturally when talking to someone you like to know more. The conversation should feel enjoyable and the longer the relationship, the different topic of conversations should will “pop up,” allowing you to see different sides of the person, getting to know more of who they are. As long as you want to be around the person and wanted to know about him/her then that is a good indication that you like someone. Think about the subject you like to learn, you tend to do well in it, so anything you like, you tend to be good at, because you enjoy doing and doesn’t feel like a chore. If you can talk to the person and that person is your best friend, then the relationship should be stronger. The main focus for a relationship is the communication, small, big, deep talk, any sort of talk, honesty talk, the list goes on. The physical side of a relationship may not be as important as the communication in the beginning of a relationship. However, you may ask, how will I know if I have chemistry with the person? The answer to this question is that you’ll just feel it. You will sometimes feel like hugging or kissing the person, but from my experience (however this is totally up to you) waiting for this physical side of thing is better and should be determine wayyyyyy later I the relationship. And by wayyyyy later has no particular timeline, you will know when you feel ready and that your relationship feel solid and you feel like you learn so much about the person and that you’re both truly ready for the next step. Also, treat physical intimacy (that is not sex because sex is a gift from God and should be waited until marriage) with cautious because the Lord mention about purity and lust in the Bible. It will be alarming when both parties feel the void in the relationship with physical contact because the communication isn’t as strong. The physical intimacy will arrive when both want to validate that our communication is strong. If I have to set a timeline, and if I were to date someone in the future, I would spend as much time talking to the person in public, with a group of friends, etc. I wouldn’t bring him to talk at my place. I would meet him in public where it is easier to talk more and to get to know the person. There are so many locations to talk: the park, a coffee shop, literally could be anywhere. Also, do different activity together to find out more about him/her such as go on a hike, play bowling, watch movie at a movie theater, volunteer/community service etc.

I also, will not control and be pushy about the relationship, I would not expect or rush anything, but simply spend time and getting to know the person. I would absolutely not expect because if I were to expect something and my expectations weren’t met then I set myself up for disappointments. I simply will evaluate the person according who he is and I will be mindful that the beginning phrase of a relationship is the trickiest part. The beginning of a relationship is the impress-the-person phrase, what’s valuable and weights more is the later part of the relationship when the beginning phrase has passed. Caring for someone and him/her caring for you in a relationship in a later term should indicate how the person will treat you if he/she were to marry you in the future.

Another advice I learned is that the relationship itself will not be able to full-fill me in the way that only my Creator can. If both parties love God and seek Him, it is a better indication that both parties will love each other more purely because both love God.

Now that I am typing about relationship and dating, I knew that right now I don’t think I had like to date anyone anytime soon, because I had like to work and be happy (be closer to God and seek his fulfillment) and another is that being in a relationship requires maturity, selflessness, and commitment. It is work that shouldn’t feel like work when you truly enjoy the person.

The reason why I ended my first 3 months relationship is because I am simply not ready to be in a relationship. This relationship tired and worries me more than had helped me academically and mentally. I simply know that this relationship is not right for me in a sense that I am not secure about the relationship. In another word, my first relationship is not solid and requires work and attention from both parties. It is also important that a relationship I am in be a God-centered one, a relationship that will help me grow closer to the Lord, not farther away. A relationship should make you be a better person, introduce you to new things, feel fun, exciting, caring, and nurturing. A relationship should not bring you down, makes you worry about nonsense and makes you feel crazy. A healthy relationship should makes you healthier.

If I can sum up the advice I give to you and especially to myself about dating is 1. to date someone when I am absolutely, 100% want to date the person, 2. do not force a person to do anything, 3. wait for physical intimacy, 4. get to know the person as a friend first, 5. evaluate the relationship whether it makes me feel closer to God, and 6. do I like the person, wanting to know more about him, therefore, date him.

 

Down..down

It is easy once you’re feeling down to keep digging down. Down, down, dow..n.

It is so easy to just keep going down. And because it is easy that’s why it keeps on going. Don’t we just like thing is be easy, simple. Yes, most of the time we do.

That’s why when disappointment sets in, it is harder to be optimistic, in my case. People deal with disappointment differently. Some will relied on loved one, exercise, food, alcohols, drugs, sex, etc. Anything that would ease the pain, temporarily.

What makes human, human is that we are sensitive. We are raised to be sensitive. I don’t know how life is going to be from now. I woke up, eat, do some work, shower, read a little, then sleep again. The cycle repeats.