Trust in God

I am really tempted to text my ex as I was learning about biochemistry and this instances reminded me of when he used to quizzed me about these scientific knowledge. I missed it so much, it is this aching feeling of really missing someone as if I were to see him, I would literally throw a big hug I could possibly could on him that is how much I missed him right now at this moment. I miss him to the point where I could cry, it is this longing feeling for someone I honestly had never had. Perhaps I have felt it with my family, but no one bedside my family did I had this strong feeling for missing for.

Even though I miss him so much. Feelings are not fact. I will not interfere with God’s plan . I am not going to be tempted by mere feelings that comes and goes after breakup. God is what I need and I trust in his plan for me, to protect me and give the best thing for me. Even though I have this strong feelings for someone, still I chose God before him. I chose God’s will for me. And I will not interfere with his plan. I will continue to trust in God even though it is really hard at the moment because I know that faith is my ultimate decision. It is my choice that I choose God and not to sin. He has given me life, hope, and dreams. I trust what He promised me. I will not rely on my feelings or decisions, but only His and His alone. Gods is my ultimate everything. He is my Abba.

Dear Jesus,

You have died on the crossed to give me new life. A life free of chains, grudges, resentment, and sins. You have lifted me up with your love, kindness, and goodness. I will continue to trust in your power that I cannot compete, not even close. I know you’re bigger and more powerful than anything I could ever hope for. You are my ultimate maker, creator, and pursuer. You are all that I need and my trust is in you. Jesus, I chose you and all the glory goes to you. May you use me to be your vessel in bringing others to you, Lord. May you reveal my hidden sins that I still have to me, for me to recognize them and to want to change– to be more like you. You are unchangeable, indestructible, and your love covers me. May I continue to grow more and more into you, my Lord that no matter what comes my way that you are with me always. I choose you and always will. May I choose you still even when I am being tempted from sins. May I listen to the Holy Spirit and may the Holy Spirit rescued me from the sins I was tempted to commit. May I live my life for your glory alone. May everything in my life centered around you, Lord. May I love, have compassion towards other, Lord. Please teach me to forgive, love, and be kind to others. I prayed that I would understand humility and humbleness. I prayed that I would out other before myself. I prayed that I would learn to be selfless each and everyday. I prayed that I would learn about pride. I prayed that I understand more about pride and humbleness.

I prayed that my relationship with my family–especially my sister, my dad, and my mom would be a result of how I have begin growing with you that they would see the fruit of the sprit. For these are the people closest to me. I prayed, Lord that I will learn to love them more and more and more.

I prayed that Chad would get to experience the love you gave rescued me from sins and giving me a life that has you. I prayed that Chad would come to you. I prayed that I will learn to forgive him and to love him. I pray that I would be able to let go of the resentment and grudges I felt towards him. That I would released them and forgive just as you have forgive me for my sins.

Teach me to trust and have faith in you more and more, oh God even when things seem unfair, uncalled for, and deadly that I would learn to continually trust in you.

Advertisements

Hhhola

Yo, I miss ya. Not missing being in a relationship. I sort of miss ya. And it’s ok. I supposed. I have the worse eyes for a guy. I hope you’re doing well. I’m still thinking about you. I miss you, C.

There are people here that I need to love and care more. She is right in front of me.

I think about you. Weird right. Bad for me.

I’ve heard

Someone had told me that one the remedy for getting over pain, heartbreak, disappointment, events that trigger negative feelings inside us is to get in touch with the things you love. Whether that be getting new jobs, following yours dreams, or writing are things that might as well heal you.

Writing has been something that I often go to whenever something disappointing happened in my life. I just know that I have got to write to express what is inside of me. It has been a door for me to release, to enter, and pour my feelings in. It is a blessing.

I’ve been through a heartbreak. It has been something that a written word cannot fully expressed. The word I could think of is pain, questions, sadness, confusions, dissatisfy. Questions are a big one. A huge one.

I’ve been going to a therapist. She told me many things. Things that I hear, but may not have it them in. Things that I’ve heard and it made me feel pain and sad. The word rebound, manipulation for instance.

I think I am frustrated that I can’t be honest when I was in the relationship. That’s why I could get out of the whirlwind, the circle, the lost. I was circling around the answers. I wasn’t able to break free from whatever I was fearing–disappointment. There was conflicts, lots of it. I was battling with the problem of relationship as well as my own.

I couldn’t seem to say what I felt. I couldn’t express all of my concern, worries, and doubts. I didn’t my break through moment. It has always been lurking around what I wanted to say, but did not get to or fear the outcome.

I just don’t seem to win myself in the process. The problem wasn’t the relationship itself. The problem was me. That I wasn’t able to be honest with myself. That I wasn’t able to be strong enough to listen to my conscious, which is why I was circling around this idea of him that it was his fault. Regardless of what happened, I wasn’t able to let it go because I wasn’t able to be strong enough, honest enough to win myself.

That I didn’t say no when I need to. That I didn’t stand up for what I believe in. That I just let it happened. That I let it happened to me. That I didn’t say “this is enough.” That I didn’t tell him exactly how I felt. That I was weak. I was weak. I was not able to stand up for the things I believe in. That I just let it happened to me. That I didn’t stood up for myself. That I was weak.

Yes, I was weak. But I at the same time, I can start building myself up, one-by-one, piece-by-piece. There is nothing in this world (beside God) that will make me completely disappear. Not relationship, not failure, not laziness, not unrequited love, not loneliness, not disappointment. I want to live life without fear. Analyze things that came my way. Stand up for myself. Say and know all the right things, yet believe them to the core.

God says to not be afraid. He said He is protecting me. He said that I wouldn’t let anything temp me beyond my willingness to coup/deal with them. He will always be with me. There is nothing that could separate us, none. I am his and will always be. One guy, compared to him, is incomparable. God is bigger than all my worries, fears, and anything and everything.

 

Do I have fear of commitment or is the person was simply not right

This is a question I have because when things get difficult, I will break it off because it seems like things are not getting better. Mostly, I felt that he cannot handle me. I believed that the right person perhaps might be able to handle me when I am being unreasonable. For instance, I had love it if they would speak to me calmly and not be hurtful even when I was being unreasonable. I know I am being unreasonable at times, my feelings get hurt when I expected certain things and did not received like if I myself out of the car and I called the handyman, I expected my bf to come with me during the process. He didn’t and that hurts me. To me that is saying he doesn’t care. Or when I told him I felt like crying, to me if he didn’t do anything about but only said that now he felt bad, well that right there means that he didn’t care. Because if someone were to say that to me, I would seek them out. I questioned whether he truly cares. Whenever we argued it seemed like he was always so hurtful, talking about his past relationship that he put in so much more in this relationship than his last or that my action made him more appreciative of his ex and what she did. OMG, thinking about it makes me felt disgusted and pitied. He was such a toxic guy. There were moments when I questioned his genuineness. How can someone be so hurtful with his words like how he tried to hurt me.

I questioned whether I have commitment issue or simply because I foresee that this relationship was actually not going to work. It seems to me that I can’t be direct with him because he would just burst. I felt that I had to walk on an egg shell with him when I want to in fact just say things. I don’t know what went wrong. I can’t go back if I can’t figured it out. Is it me or is it him? Perhaps both, perhaps more him than me or more me than him. I couldn’t decide. Perhaps this is also another reason why I have harder time moving on? Again, I felt like I can’t be honest with him because he will just burst; get angry and bang on stuff. He can hardly control his emotion like a normal person. The stuff he said to me, if I were to be the one who said those things instead, he would probably hurt me physically. This guy is toxic, but it is sad because I want to see people be better, I want to see him be better. But I, myself, also gets hurt feelings too like whenever I tried to help then if he gets angry then it’s simply a cycle. I honestly, tired of trying to figured this out. I truly am tired. I don’t want to guilt anyone but I just wanted to see him be better. I feel a little sorry for him. I feel like he doesn’t want to listen to me either. What you have fought about in the past, you will fight about it again is the line I read from mydailyhoroscope.com

Honestly, I am no where near perfect and I have my ideal vision about relationship that I supposed to help two people be better right? I don’t know if what I am expecting was too much or impossible, but I do expect them. I expect my bf to help, love, and support me. I feel like if they do, then I will too, but if not then I can’t because I think I will be disappointed such as giving too much and did not get a return will disappoint me.

No one I know said that he was good for me. I can say that I wasn’t perfect either. I can be resentful. And it would take a lot of me to not be anymore, like he would have to sincerely realized what he did is wronged. But I felt that he apologized just for the sake of apologizing. Just so I could forgive him, just so I wouldn’t be mad at him, which is manipulative.

I don’t know the more I talked about this, the more I realized that I am upset. I don’t know what to do. I know that if I were to be with him again, I would still be resentful because he had no idea what he did wronged. That he absolutely can’t admit his fault. I probably want him to sincerely apologized. I can’t forgive him right on the spot, he would have to earn it with time. One apology will not fix anything. I probably won’t get what I want anyway if I were to meet and talk to him. I don’t know if I am going to get it or not, but I really want to talk, I do. I see it more clearly. I don’t know if I care about him, but I want him to treat me better, to at least respect another human being. I want to treat him with more respect as well.

I have high expectation with love and with the person I will be with. Perhaps because I am raised that way. My dad provided everything for me. He is always there. Always there helping me. Carrying all the groceries. Fixing my car when he didn’t properly knew how. Cook for me. Surprised me. You see, there is probably not a single other person in the world who will does all these things for me.

The letter that is not sent

Dear C,

So many thing has gone wrong in our relationship. The thing we promised each other in the beginning has in fact became pitfall of our relationship. We had the best intention for each other and our relationship, which is to be honest with each other, we just didn’t know how to follow through it or how to do it. We set each other up for such failures. We did. It was something both of us rushed into not knowing the consequences. It was such a mistakes. It was. There were so many mistakes and looking back, it is not a surprise why it failed.

I didn’t like that it didn’t work out, neither of us were ready. Neither of us knew what was going on. Neither of us were experience or mature. It was truly not a surprised. We’re both naive, inexperience, and to be frank stupid or at least I felt that I was many times.

I honestly had the best intention to begin, but it just didn’t work the way I had hope to be because there are moment when I think I should let my “feelings” or the flow of relationship takes us, basically going for it without any rules, regulations, or limits. That was a mistakes. I thought that relationship, even if I wanted it to be a certain, has no bound, so I disregard how I think I should have date to just letting it be. Well, like anything in this world, letting it be is not the best approach, because often time that is the recipe for failure and I was fortunate enough to be a witness myself, how lucky isn’t it. Like anything in the world, there are rules and regulations on how to do it and aim for doing it right. These rules aren’t meant to limit, but it, rather meant to contain and to protect. There are countless of people who have fail in relationship before in the past. Actually, people are still failing it as I type! The reason why they fail was partially because they didn’t follow the rule and decided to do whatever they want, which is a recipe for failure.

I am glad I have found you. I do. I made a lot of mistakes. I learn about it as well. We were both extremely clueless. We had the best intention, we were just lost in it. We were a lost couple.

You had your baggage coming in that you didn’t deal with it or couldn’t seem to find a way out of it. I had my problems too. I was naive. I was this naive girl who fail to recognize that you had problem and didn’t take the courage to step in to address the issues. Instead, what I did was simply wait, I was waiting that perhaps you’ll be out of it, that maybe I could help you out of it. Well, that ain’t happening. It wasn’t fast until I started the process called resentment towards you. Towards how you kept every single pieces of your last relationship to a tea that you did not even got rid of the old cookies she gave you. It is pathetic. I am sorry, but it is truly, absolutely pathetic. You’re absolutely pathetic to do such things to yourself. To hold on to something that supposed to teach you great lessons about whatever it may be about this relationship, take it, thank it, and move on from it. Unfortunately, one of the biggest mistakes you made was that you continuously lie to yourself, keep hurting yourself in the process. You were still talking to her. And people do this all the time (no wonder why they are not over their exesssss, excess). We as human have such tendency to blame other things, we blame everyone and everything, except ourselves. It is as shame how blind we can be. It is unfortunate, how we struggle to come out of the hole we got caught into. It is like digging deep and deeper into something that is nothing when in reality the right spot for goal is inside your heart and mind. We were digging for the wrong reason, wrong spot, wrong everything and we become lost in it and some of us have no way out of it, but to end our lives. I am a little of topic, but I am not going to lie. I pick you, yes, I did. I had a crush and this crush of mine literally seems really good. He seemed like someone I would like to know. I did. But I was scared. I was scared of rejection. I did. We talked to each other at one point and literally, I made an excuse to leave to go somewhere else. Next time, if I like someone, may be a challenge to myself is to go for it and face that fear of mine. I admired that you asked me out. That right there capture me quite a bit, even though I liked you, but was still unsure about you. You gave me that “safe” spot because I sort of knew that you wouldn’t reject me. But you still didn’t really know me, so that fear at times still lurks its head around whenever things are going well, etc.

I didn’t quite seem to be opening up to you anytime soon because there were always problems in our relationships. You came in with problems. I can list a few I observed.

  1. insecurity – body image issue, jealousy
  2. immaturity – inability to distinguish your sensory input, inability to reason with self; the lack of self-awareness
  3. close mindedness – inability to get-out-of comfort zone, to try new things, to openminded to different settings and ideas, to grow
  4. self-love
  5. Respect
  6. Believe
  7. Values

I can point fingers all day wrong about you, but you’re not alone in this because I have them too. I was weak to not being able to stand up for my values, the thing I strongly believed in, I let you bend it. I was not able to say “NO” when relationship is bad or things doesn’t seem right. I recognize it, but I fail to discuss or do anything about it. I also didn’t love myself well enough. You and me are not whole, so we seek in each of us to make us feel whole and what not, but what we each didn’t know is that we were both half or not even close to being full with ourselves, so there is no way our relationship could have work or worked when both of us lacks so much of ourselves.

We were both emotional, sensitive beings. Our argument style were very different. You’re so aggressive and verbally and emotionally hurtful. I was passively aggressive, I basically shut down and you were not talking to me, but a wall that continuously thickens over the course that lead to our break up. I could have been mean or rude, yes, I could, but you’re NOT going to see Me angry, because you’re not worth 2 cents to any reaction of me to you. You’re not worth it to even see me get angry, but you made me very defensive, very quickly.

I can easily do the blame game the entire writing, but I know that it’s not how this should be, because it is not going to make me feel better or make any difference.

I reserved saying I love you, because I don’t know or confused to say whether or not I do. I might perhaps felt loved by you at one point in time. I did. I felt love by you for whatever reason maybe. I felt it. You made me feel love. I don’t know whether what kind of love it was, but overtime it quickly proved to be quite short-lived. It disappeared just as fast as it arrived. We were in conflict a lot. Little things made us feel negative with each other. I don’t know if I am the only one still dwelling on this, but it did mean a lot to me, otherwise, I probably not writing about it until now.

It teaches me though, quite a lot. I learn a lot. I am sleepy now.

I did see you getting old, I had that image of you at one point when you were in the kitchen and I was sitting in your circle dinning table. I don’t know what I see in you. At one point when Roxanne asked what did I like about you, I honestly couldn’t answer her questions, so there aren’t really anything I liked about you. I just liked what you did for me. So I answered, “he drive for me, sometimes made me eggs.” Well if this was an exam, I would failed beyond an F. It was a bad answer that showed no depth and a wrong answer for a prompt. I might be an A if I say “I like how encourage me, care of me deeply, support me with my dreams and goals, that he push me to reach my full potentials,  that he respect me, that he is strong, yet gentle and kind, that he put me first, that he loves God and is devoted to be perfect.” There was none or close to that. There was genuinely zero and I can’t say those answer because that would be cheating. That would be a big, strong lie.

I don’t want to say that I met a bad guy, but to me that the moment, you were not the best guy I should have been involved with and I cannot blame anyone but myself. I was foolish to not have recognized it and even if I did recognize it, I was blind or ignored/lied to myself.

I was such a shame, but these are one of the fews that I would want to talk about to you. However, I don’t think I am going to do anything beyond writing it out. All I can do now is to be honest with myself. With my feelings.

I don’t know why, but every time, I thought of saying the word love, I would corrected myself. Even though I was infatuated by you, I think I am slowly letting you go, piece-by-piece. Do I want you to read this, probably. Of course.

There will always be part of me that maybe misses you, which is normal, it was 4 months of sexual and tension. It wasn’t truly love, not the love I associated with any way. It lustful and selfish most of the time. We were not honest with each other. I lied about how I felt. You lied about how you felt. No wonder why it didn’t last. Anyhow, I am going to end this. The story will soon come to an end. It will come to an end with I stop caring basically. Unlike you, who hold on to your exes, good news is I don’t. I just thinking about them, it is that simple. They are out sight, out of my life and I see that as a good thing. Don’t worry, you’re next in line. I am glad you’re approaching. I am not going to date anyone longer than 3 months, heck, I wish it was sooner. Hopefully I will get to the point when I can tell the difference and end it whenever I felt it that this is not going to work etc. And no one, I mean, on one can or will convince me otherwise. Break up wise is the same, I hope I will get to the point where it wouldn’t take me nearly as long to get over them where I checked them out of my mind permanently. I am glad that I am getting there. Honestly, times can heal in this context. I know when I am getting over someone when I am back to being my best self. And starting to love life more. Or starting to be excited again. Or start to find/do something new. Someone I know once said that we all have our timing. As much as I wanted mine to be at a certain time. I had like to say mine will not last more than 3-4 months, which I think will be the case. I will probably have to get back on it whether or not it’s true. But for now, things are getting more optimistic. I have 2 big tests coming up and I am worry. Even this issue has been consuming most of my mind, well I guess we tend to worry about something anyway. Not test or relationship, not relationship, but money, not money then relationship, etc.

Sometimes I think, do we actually know when I find “the one.” I’ve heard some people just knew. While some take longer to know. I might belong to the second category where it might take me not a love at first sight, but through the test of time. I want to be save than sorry, hahaha.

You know all of these page after page of me talking about relationship when it ended, well, I would probably look back into it with laughter. With a sense of adorableness. Look what young Cam have to go through and how those experience now became extremely irrelevant to her and where she is now. perhaps these experiences shaped her to the person she became. A good question is to which extent did it shaped her or grounded her.

There were part of me that wanted to blamed the fact that you, yourself, didn’t forget about your ex and basically trying to find a replacement of her or trying to fill whatever void you have and because of that our relationship didn’t work. It would not be true necessarily. Perhaps, the reason why it fail was because I were people who were immature, didn’t love ourselves, and were strong enough to handle it. That was the truth, we didn’t know how to deal with it. I am not going to lie, I think there may be a potential to connect. We were sort of alike yet very different.

We was more out going, we were not. You were willing to try new, weird things at the grocery store, I stick to the same thing I know I like. The obvious one is you are okay with living with a pet, I didn’t. You love to cook more than going out to eat, you can’t really eat my food. I was making sure of that, because it would make marriage difficult if our eating style vastly different. You like to lift, I don’t care about it too much, I rather do yoga or cardio. I don’t know what sex is to you, but for me it is literally the expression of love through physical intimacy. I felt like we didn’t quite reach there. Sex with you felt more like a service, chore, than the expression of love I wanted it to be, which is the expression of love we have and devote for each other.

I sure wanted to fix it, but that might as well be another lie I might/would have created. Relationship is not a one way street, it has to be both and it has to be when both of us are ready and more than half fill. We need to be able to fill each other, not only ourselves. If we can’t fill each other first then there will be a struggle and challenges in the relationship. We’re barely filling ourselves, there is no way we can fill each other.

One thing I learned now is that I actually take relationship very seriously, (perhaps more than I should). I have a really high expectation of how relationship are ought to be, should be, should feel, etc. It is like having a plant. I think it should be sweet, gentle, kind, and loving majority of the time. I can certainly be vindictive, passive, sensitive, and jealous. These are traits that is the opposite of what I wanted it to be. I wanted this love, this ideal love that I share with one other person. I don’t want it to turn resentful. I want it to grow and be appreciated and cherish. I want it to be good. I just need to know all the steps and ways to make it happen, which usually is the more challenging part/aspects. I want both of us to grow and be on the same page. I want us to grow with each other and more importantly with God.

For now I had to end it for now because I have to get my work done. It has been a therapeutic experience. This guy right next to me though, is talking loudly on the phone and seriously this is a studying space. It is sort of inappropriate and inconsiderate. He is absolutely unaware.. even though I kept giving him this look. Huh… smh He finally looked at me, well being the person that I am even though I wanted to give him the can you be quiet look, well I just politely smile heeeeeeeawwww…

Just want to complain

So apparently I’ve decided to downloaded bumble, this girl choosing guy to talk to them first sort of dating app. Let just says that t it gets extremely tiring. It’s like an information overload. So many faces. It’s so unproductive, draining experience. Most of the time I see the same type of guys over and over again. If not the gym then it’s dogs. If not dogs then about the gym… 😔 anyway, the experience was tiring like I’ve previously mentioned. It’s like I’m stuck. I’m stuck in not going back to my ex and not seeing anyone interested. I’ve two so far that I thrust was not bad looking. I like guys with nice smile, that’s a catch for me. Oh forgot majority of them hold beers in there hands on the pictures. I don’t get it. It’s not attractive to post with beers. Another problem here is that most of them have dogs or some type of pets and I will absolutely not a pet person.