Lonliness

Oh, boy. Who ever thought, I had felt bored and perhaps lonely. It is not that I thought of myself as indivisible, but honestly, I don’t feel lonely, until perhaps now. I think it is good that I feel this way because when people told me, “But wont’t you be lonely?” I quickly responded to them, “No! But I can see why you would say that.” This made me realize that people do feel lonesome at times, especially in college. I honestly, do not typically feel lonely because I occupy myself with stuff I needed to do. Well, I don’t know, now, I didn’t occupy myself, so I am experiencing something quite not fun here, loneliness perhaps boredom that could quite turn into loneliness easily. I used to be really comfortable with quietness, the quieter, the better. I am typically very much so happy being by myself. Now, I wanted to go back to that phrase of being able to again enjoying my own company.

It is sad that I am feeling this way, it is truly is. I am not sure if God has place me into this position in order for me to learn something, otherwise wouldn’t. I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I have the MCAT that needed to be studied. I am taking a class in biomedical ethics that can always be learned ahead. I also can organize my room. Additionally,  I can also review old materials for the MCAT and even learned organic chemistry that I will take this fall. I can name many things that can be completed, however, where is my heart at?

Perhaps this is a side effect of a break up. I read in an article that after a break up girl will typically cry like crazy, while the guy seem to be okay initially, however, not in the long term like a month or two months later. Honestly, I think that I am a guy in this situation. I was feeling totally okay right after the break up because I feel like it was meant to be. However, I think I am feeling the side effect now, the lonesomeness. 😭😭. Anyway, the not so intelligent thing to do is to jump right into another relationship. Actually, I don’t want to restrict myself, but honestly, it would be wiser to not be in a relationship in college, in my case. I don’t need this, not now at the very least because there are goals that is ahead.

Dear God, I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I feel alone for the very first time. Perhaps, it is the side effect of my break up. It is sad. It is truly is, but I think you has place this in my life a reason and that I should rejoice. There is a verse in the Bible that mention to rejoice and give thanks even in the mist of suffering. And I knew that I am feeling something because there is a knot in my stomach. I am simply sad and I admitted it. I know there is a reason I am feeling this way, otherwise, I may not have learned what it is like to feel lonely. It kept me grounded and humbled, which is something I have been prayed for. Oh God, you’re greater than anything I could ever face in life. You are my God, my Rock, and I need as well as follow you.

What I learned/ing Today

It is fascinating that one class has allowed me to think and I really mean Think. I came to a class with an expectation that it will be interesting as I have also heard from my friend, Tooba that biomedical ethics was a class she has found to be interesting. I came to the class with a positive mindset about it and as the course went on (today is our day 3) it has  struck me that wow, it makes me think. Okay, so you get the point that this class unlocked my thinking power whereas I might have been too lazy to think or to simply say, “oh well,” and did not care much less.

I am not sure if with the combination of the lack of sleep, which has heavily take part in that I am a little (or more) all over the place. I like to evaluate. I evaluate my past relationship, the topics of discussion happened today during class, etc. I evaluate pattern and behavior–this is possibly the way I am.

I am simply glad that I was partially set myself up to take this course, perhaps unconsciously or subconsciously that I had planed on taking it. I was hesitate whether or not to take this course in the beginning, and had thought of dropping it, however, if I were to drop the course, it will show on my transcript as a withdraw, which I didn’t want an unnecessarily withdrawal. Additionally, I wouldn’t be able to get a single refund for the tuition, so I continue on with the class. The main reason for hesitating whether to take the course was mostly has to do with the amount tuition, however, my conscious perhaps subconscious lead me to take the course.

My time management have got to improve.

Sometimes, it is important to do what is best for yourself first in a context, this may sounds selfish, however, take this instances for example, my friend asked if I had wanted to play tennis today at 5:30, well, I do, I really do want to play, but I know that I am tired and needed rest. I also got homework that also needs to be done. If I were to think that well,  I should play anyway because this friend, after all is a nice guy and that he invited me, and I didn’t want to reject him. Well, this won’t be good. Do what is needed to be done first in a certain context or situation. Even if I were to g play with him, 1) I won’t have as much fun, because I was too tired and perhaps he will be too, because the game was not interesting, 2) the game will be spent mostly on picking up balls instead of hitting back and fourth because I need to rest and be rejuvinated.

I also learned that I am not as direct when I am talking to someone whom I am not yet comfortable talking to, so with someone I haven’t known for very long, I tend to speak in an indirect manner in order to not hurt their feelings. With my sister, I used to be quite direct almost to the point of judgmental and critical when I try to tell her something, but I have gotten better at talking to her that whenever I wanted to recommend her about something I will speak to her gentler, she listens and will not feel hurt or criticize by it.  It is true that thoughts lead to action, sometimes we’re not sure why we acted a certain way, but there are subconscious thought that dictates our perception and also action.

I learned this at my work place as well! That we communicates more than by words! It is simply interesting. We spoke about this in my Sunday Bible School that whatever we do, we should perform as if serving for the Lord and by doing so, would allow us to be less selfish.

What I also learned at work is to complete the task I have been assign well and with the best intention.

 

God Never Fails

You have no idea that I was disappointed when I found out that I had missed a chemistry lab final that I had a 94 in the class, but since I had missed the lab final and if I couldn’t take it then I would end up with a C in the class, which is not a failing grade, however, since I had an A (before the final), it would be disappointed because I tried to get good grade in the lab.

With the hope to improve the situation, I went to the professor’s office, however, she wasn’t there at the time, so I simply waited on her at a chemistry tutoring room next door to her office. It wasn’t long until I saw her in the hallway. She seemed to be in a rush, which I didn’t knew at the time I approached her that she was on her way to the bathroom before I stopped her to discuss my situation. She quickly told me to email her with my student ID and my chemistry lab section number in order for her to open to lab final for me to complete. However, she also told me that whatever I’lll make on the lab final will be 50% off of what I get, which means that even if I scored a 100 (which is not simply to score) that I will instead get a 50. This condition is the consequence of having not taken the final on time. This made me sad and disappointed, because I had a 94 in the lab, which means that I could potentially ended up in the class with an A, however, even if I scored a 100 on the final it will scored as 50 in the grade book, which means I will get a B in the lab.

I was sad and was a tiny bit annoyed at myself for having missed the final, however, I told myself that it is okay because no matter what God got me and He has a plan. That whatever I am going through, it will work out. Even though, I messed up, but my God is greater, bigger, better, and stronger than anything I am going through. And that it will work out at the end because He is God.

So, I decided to emailed Dr. T. my ID and lab section with an added description about 3 paragraphs long of why I care and if she would be willing to help me and not take 50% off of the grade that I will make on the final.

I received her email later in the day that only said “the final has been reopen for you and that you have until 9 p.m. tonight to submit it.” I was sort of expressionless because I had hoped that she would mentioned something along the line of “I will consider.”  She told me that she had sent 2 emails, which I did opened, but did not read throughly. Notice the underlined word, “NO EXCEPTIONS.”

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Anyway, I went ahead and took the final (which is online, but it is not easy) with a help of a friend I had never met, except through a group me, which is an app where students help other students with reminders, group study, reviews, etc. Dylan, a guy whom I texted to help me with the final replied saying that he could help me. I was so thankful and most of all to my God.  So, Dylan whom scored 92 himself and helped 2 other people scored an 88 was being so kind to help me.

So, after I finished taking my final with Dylan. I thanked him from the bottom of my heart, saying how much I truly appreciate his help. He replied saying that he wasn’t that much of an effort, but ohh.. trust me, I am so thrilled. This made me realized that he is really kind.

After we departed, I went to have dinner with a friend, workout afterward, and my day pretty much ended.

Last night, my prayers were also for the chemistry lab grade that hopefully I could get an A, however, I also added that God knows.

Until today, as I am typing, I went on blackboard, which is a site where my grades are posted and I saw …Screen Shot 2018-05-13 at 1.38.00 PM

I was so thrilled that a 94 had gone down 2 points to a 92, which may or may not be rounded to a 93, but it hardly matters because 90-100 is an A! I realized that Dr. T did not take off 50% of the final grade that I made! Which is a miracle that only God can performed and provided! Throughout my walk with Him, God has continuously shown himself to me in a way that I knew were from Him. God is so good and is always there for me that no matter the result, I know that He is God, who truly got me and even if I got a B in the course, I remembered thinking this to myself that even if I got a B in the lab that God has a plan, and He knows best.

This particular event reminded me of a story of Peter (if I had remembered the story correctly) when Jesus made him walked on water, but then Peter started to have doubts, which made him fallen and about to drown. At that moment, God is working with Peter, performing a miracle with Him, but Peter lost sight and started doubting God, so as a result he drowned. The story goes something along this line if I had remembered it correctly. But the point of referring to this story is a reminder to myself to trust in God, which means to realized that He knows. God is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent (all knowing, always there, and all powerful). And to be humble that it is not me, but because of Him, of His grace, His wisdom, His power, and His love. 

This event happened and all I want is to praise God, to give Him the Glory for He is good, merciful, and just. I am so thankful to Him, so thankful. Praise be to God.

To be honest…

I am not sure what I want, I think I know what I want, but then, there are times when my interest switches. I think I wanted to be a doctor, it has pretty much been this career. Maybe my dad place this idea on me as a young child and it has been on my mind ever since. Or maybe I do truly wanted to be a doctor even before he suggested to me. I don’t know.

You know what kind of life I had the idea of wanting to live? A life simply doing what I want, why can’t I just do that then if I lose interest in that one particular thing, then most likely there is something else I wanted to pursue. I hardly met anybody with 2 or 3 jobs. A doctor, but also an architect and an artitst. A doctor and an entrepreneur, who own a business like a little shop. Okay, these type of people do exist, of course. It seems like once you are a doctor, that is most likely your one and only job.

Being an architect has been a dream of mine, since little. I like to build and create thing with my own hand. I thought I wanted to be a surgeon, a general surgeon. One because of the stability—I suppose, the salary, reputation, respect, and credential. The helping aspect also attracts me, a job or I had say career with purpose of healing. It seems like a job that is very much so hands on, which I like.

Now back to being an architecture thing, the job seems really cool as well, building, making model, artistic, but it seems as if there is not a high demand in the market, which I should be smart about…?

I recently dated a guy, but I kept having this thought of lowering our status to being good friend. We first met at a tutoring center, then we met again on the same day at our school movie theater. Then we met again later twice in a different SI session, which is a peer-led classes for physics. I don’t think I like him as my boyfriend. I like him more of a friend and maybe when we started talking, I am just or perhaps may appear to be quite friendly or flirty? So this may gave him the impression of me liking him. I don’t think I like him that way.

Now this made me questioned whether I can actually like someone like that, lol. I don’t know. My friend, Khahn told me that once you find someone you truly like, you will know. I am not sure how that work, honestly. How can you just know with a blink of an eye? I pretty sure now than ever that I wanted to be just friend with him and I think I am going to tell him once he got back from spring break. Seriously, he included many things about the future with me. He talked about traveling, taking pictures together, etc. He is sweet and genuine; a good human-being.

Honestly, I don’t think he like me like that either, but since we’re each other first girlfriend and boyfriend for about 2 weeks that is why both of us may seem to be curious of how this will turn or how this dating thing really works. At this point, if he were to find another girl (beside me) I would be happy for him since he is a nice person. I honestly know that I wanted a friend more than boyfriend and I will let him know that.

Back to life, I don’t know if it is okay. I am sure it is— to live life doing what I love and then switches when I am bore or find something else more interested in doing. I want to live like that. Pick something I want to do, then once I get there, realize that it is not truly what I want then switch to do something else. There is no rule to living. Who set a right or wrong way to live, simply do what you want, yeah? Just do what bring happiness. Can I live like that? Drop out of college to pursue art school or whatever it may be. Live life, have God as my Rock, and do what I pleases that of course align with God’s plan and to rely on His help.

Live life doing what you love and if you find something else you like more then do that. No boundary.

Which is why being kid was fun, we live doing what we love, but we sort of lose that trying to do the thing that fit the standard that isn’t truly our own. Why do we have to lose the fun as an adult, why. We can still do the things that we love, whatever we want that is good that bring us happiness. I am not talking about go to party and being wasted or steal, but good thing that bring us true happiness. Because, really once the party is over, getting that headache, or being caught, the fun in that did not lasted, it quickly ran out—they don’t bring us true happiness.

God wanted to tell me these things. I think I can live life however as long as I have and continue to trust Him. He knows everything.

Now, though, what is it that I want to do? Write a book, learn metal jewelry art, get an A in all my classes? These are my lists so far. Go to the park, sit at a coffee shop doing homework, call my parents, shower, do number 2, wash the dishes, travel, shadow a doctor and sometimes a nurse, a dentist, live life, live life, live life, doing what you love, pursue your dream, living it, making it real, put in the work, be happy doing it.

God, where are you going with this?

So, where should I begin this. I might have met a person who I felt good about meeting. Although, I am at first I was wondering about where is God wants me in this? I met a guy, who I thought is adorable. He’s nice and cute. Why am I thinking as if most girls would say this when they met someone. It’s such as common phrase.

I met him at a tutoring center in college. We happened to need help with the same physics class we are taking. I remembered that I talked to him first. I asked in the air, “Are you guys doing physics?. Something along this line, then he replied. I couldn’t recall vividly what he said, but yeah, that how we met.

We met again in the same week when I went to see the Blade Runner that on show at our college’s theater. I recognize his back and when the movie ended, we said hi, and talked about “Did you finish your homework in physics?” I said “No.”

One thing about him though, whenever he was about to leave, he would always said, good luck with physics, or good luck with whatever I was doing at the time. I thought that was nice.

We met again at our physics SI, which is sort like a peer-led tutoring. I was just talking to him casually and when the SI ended he went out with someone he knew.

I honestly did not think much about any of this situation, from the beginning to the SI. I just thought that he was a nice person. I can feel the vibe. He would smiled.

So, this time is when me met again at another of our SI session, this time he sat next to me and I helped him with the stuff we went over at the end of the SI. He complimented that I should be his physics teacher. I was just happy that I was able to help him understand this hard subject. Then, we walked out together and talked for almost an hour, until I had to depart to get help with chemistry 2 lab. Oh, I forgot, we decided to exchange number.

We texted a bit and then more and more. He would tell me funny and interesting stuff about his roommate named Derek. It was funny and I laughed at how he had to go through all of those situations.

One thing that I did not know enough about him is his place in Christ. He have gone to church, however, he has not been going to church while he is in college. I would have to say that I was not a regular Sunday church attendy either last semester, but it is definitely my priority every Sunday this semester.

I will be continually to pray to my Creator about where is he going with this. God will always and will be my desired priority in life because he is the source of living water, causing us to not be thirsty if I get the water from Him.

My prayer to this is that, he will guide me to show His love towards him and that God will used me to show him, His love. I prayed that I will have a sensitive ear and spirit of what the Holy Spirit and God are telling me. I pray for courage to be a faithful representer of Christ, to be the disciple leading others to the lighthouse.

Another Day To Be Praised

I have had 2 great days in a row and it was all because of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God.

People often say that God will grant us happiness when we walk with him and that he will satisfy, fulfill, and reward us for a walk with him. I remembered praying about wanting to experience the journey with Him, and the past two days has been amazing, and I cannot wait for more of his plans. I have been praying to him about wanting to love people just as he would want me to love them. I also asked him for direction and guidance of how to love his people, his creation.

I have also been praying to him about my pridefulness and because I got a lot of those going on and it is causing me to be unable to connect with people and to view them just as broken as I am. I want God to show me how to love people, to be kind and gentle. I want to view people according to how God would want me to see them.

I also been praying for my action to reflect Him, so that when people see me, they can ask me why I am this or that way, then I can point and credit God and to tell them that it is because of Him I am this way and that without him I am super broken and unstable in all of my ways.

I want to be God’s good representation, to be the little light house on the hill for the broken, the lost to see, and once they arrive, I will welcome them and tell them about the one who built this house, the one who furnished the floor and ceiling. That this light house was a wreak, but because of God, this light house is under going a lifetime improvement and is waiting until the day that the builder return to proclaim his great name!

How uncoincidental is God’s work. I’ve been praying to him about wanting to love people according to Him. I am on a plan (devotional) on my Bible App about Love Like Jesus. And just a couple of minutes ago as I was opening my Instagram and the feature image popped up about “Love one another,” just according to my prayer to Christ. I am in awe and amaze of God’s work and timing. Thank you, Jesus.

Delicious Lunch

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Another praises adding to this is what a delicious lunch I had today! I warmed up my leftover burrito bowl I bought yesterday from the Market at Stangel/Murdough student residential hall. I do not have leftover because I finish all my food most of time time, unless I am in a hurry or the food was too much. The reason for my leftover was the ladder. In addition to my leftover burrito bowl, I decided to make scrabble eggs to go with it, which tasted great. I found out about adding milk (I use almond milk) to my eggs made them soft and fluffy just as how I liked them. I remebered thinking how this lunch tasted great, was more delicious and special, which I thanked him more.

I also had a great time listening to lectures in my sociology and genetics class. At the end of my sociology lecture, I decided to tell Dr. Koch how entertaining his lecture was today (as the talk made me smile and I had great time listening to his stories), which I also thanked God more.

 

A Day To Be Praised

Today is such a good day for me. It is 70 degree Fahrenheit outside and I am writing this on Tuesday Nov. 7, 2017. I typically do not enjoy cold weather, but today feels different, I actually don’t mind the cold.

I started of my day a little startled because I had a class to go, to take my 4th exam for my sociology class, at 11 am, but I had woken up at 10, which I told myself before I went to bed that I would wake up at 5:30 am to study. I looked at the time on my phone, which automatically adjusted for daylight saving, which shown 9 o’clock, so I breathed a little easier because of that.

I grabbed a banana, peeled it the correct way :P, and took a bite while also getting dressed. I realized that I need something warm because it was 40 degree something Farenheit outside this morning.

I then went to my kitchen where there is a little dining table in my apartment, so I sat and study for the remaining time while also ate a bowl of cereal for extra filling.

It was at 10:46 that I decided to packed my stuff and put them in my backpack, hopped on a bike, and rode to class. It was chilly outside as expected, but the cold didn’t bother me as much as I used to feel.

I got to my sociology class and was welcomed my the music of choice from my professor’s playlist. Dr. Koch opened his music before he began his lecture each morning, which created such a good atmosphere coming to class.

I sat at the very edge of the seating, I tended to avoid the middle seats and I also tend to pick to sit at the left side of the room. If you were to stand in the back of the lecture hall, you would be able to find me at the front to the middle row in the very left side of the room, which I suspected was where my brain felt most comfortable being.

I sat and looked over my note one last time before I take the test, but I was quickly distracted by Dr. Koch’s, all A’s, card trick that he often performed before we take the test on exam day. His card trick would always ended up flipping all 4 A’s cards as a sign for us to make an A on the test. This one particular card trick that he showed was by far my favorite, out of all the ones I have seen, maybe also because today was a great day in particular 🙂

Dr. Koch is an interesting lecturer, professor, and person. I have never met anyone like him before, which is of course, but his personally is quite distinct and will not be forgotten easily.

Now as I am typing my reflection, it doesn’t escaped my mind of why or how today has been particularly good because of the Father (God), Son (Jesus), and the Holy Spirit’s blessing and allowing me to feel good and contend.

This day reminding me of God’s grace that he has for me and reminding me of the conviction why I should continue to trust him, believe in him, and to place him first above all else, “moment by moment.” God is so good to me and his grace is immense and goes beyond my comprehension.

Dr. Charles Stanley

I have to confess that there has been time, actually recently (yesterday) that I planed on not attending chapter for Sigma Phi Lambda, which is a non-phanhellenic sorority and the greek letter translates to “Sister for the Lord.” Sigma Phi Lambda hold their chapter every Monday, which I attended regularly except one time in the beginning of the semester. Yesterday, which was Monday, I had planned on not attending chapter because I wanted to finished my homework. Well anyway, back track a little to yesterday when I came back to my apartment to make myself a lunch, which I made omelet, toast, and cut avocado. As I was eating, I opened YouTube and remembered that I wanted to hear one particular sermon from the Dr. Charles Stanley from InTouch Ministry, filmed at his church in Atlanta, Georgia. I found Dr. Stanley message about 2 months ago and I was hooked at how transforming his sermon impacted me. His sermon speaks to me and allows me to think and to be a better daughter to God. This one particular sermon was one of the many that Dr. Stanley preached. However, this particular one was the first video I saw of him, Taking Control of Our Thoughts– Dr. Charles Stanley, got me hooked. Dr. Charles Stanley is definitely my favorite pastor.

Anyway, so I had planned a week before that I will not attend chapter yesterday; however, chapter was a place not only to socialize with other Phi Lamb girls, but also an event that provide opportunity to sing praises and worship Christ and hear good testimony, teaching, and encouraging talks from the members. So, yesterday, as I was eating my lunch, I opened Dr. Charles video, Planning Without God – Dr. Charles Stanley. What I got out of his sermon changed my mind about not attending chapter. He mentioned that God cares about every aspect of our life and that it would be foolish not to ask for his direction and guidance when he would be glad for us to ask and to rely upon him. Dr. Charles’s message was so touching to me and it just made me happy that I can ask God about little things because knowing that he cares “about every aspect of my life” reassures and comforts me. It was just awesome that he cares so much for us than we could even care for ourselves, but we sometimes wanted to have our way, which Dr. Charles would say to be such a foolish act when God is omnipotent.

After finishing Dr. Charles’s sermon, I simply prayed to God about whether or not I should attend chapter and the answer was a loud, big, yes that I should and attending would be pleasing to God, to worship Him.

Another point that Dr. Charles’s mentioned was how important it is to LISTEN to God. To listen to what he wants us to do, act, think, or speak. God gave us the Holy Spirit that dwells on us and guides us. The Holy Spirit is a great Gift from God. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit.

Chemistry SI Session Versus Chapter

On every Monday and Wednesday, are days that I also have an SI session for chemistry, which I found to be quite helpful for preparing for an exam. Attending my SI session on Wednesday is not a problem, since I am pretty much free on Wednesday. However, since my chapter starts at 7 and ends at about 8:15 pm, my SI session, on the the hands,  starts at 7:30, which has a timing conflict 😦 . Will it be an opportunity to sing praises and worship God or go to the SI session :/ Anyway, Sigma Phi Lamb also have a point system—going to each Phi Lamb event will earn a certain point(s), depending on the hour(s) of the event. The point system acts as a little incentive for girls to attend the activities and to meet the requirement to still be in Phi Lamb. The minimum is to make 20 points, which I has already completed. I can simply not attend any Phi Lamb event from now on and I will still be covered because I met the required points. However, it is more to it than that…

After realizing that I will go to chapter, I was rationalizing with myself that perhaps I can simply stay at chapter, sing a couple of worship songs, and then leave at 7:15 to make it in time for my SI session that starts at 7:30 pm. I was being so “cleaver” with this plan in trying to make my way around. However, as I was signing praises to God, I realized that being at chapter is more important than going to an SI session and it would pleases Him more than me trying to do my own thing for myself. I wanted to attend the session to make a better grade in chemistry, but God says that he has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me and not forsake me, something along this line, a verse in a bible. His plan for me will exceeds mine. The question is will I trust him. Will I trust him, to worship him and not attend the SI session. Will I trust him with my grades and beyond.

God shows me that if I am willing to trust him and to place him first above earthly things, he got me.

His Mercy & Power To Rescue

So I didn’t complete two of my homework, one for chemistry and the other from statistics, were past due dates, but somehow God’s power help me to go to both professor for each class, talked to them, and both of them were willing to extend the due date for me. God is greater than any of my worries or fears if I am willing to listen and obey his request.

I will be praying  that my faith and my trust in Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit will continue to be strengthen, so that I can go out and to not be waver by the earthly perception, expectation, and ideas.

Other than a wonderful day, I thank him more.

Prayer

This occurred to me that when I am around other Christians, it was easy for me to feel belong and comfortable. However, I will be praying that beside being around other believers, my identity in Christ will be convicted within me, especially when I am among nonbelievers. That when I around nonbelievers, my identity in Christ will be where my heart rests and falls onto for guidance. That no matter where I am, who I talk to, sit next to, or listen to—-my identity in Christ will supersede because I am His. To act, to speak, and to think in a godly manner and that I would know who I am in Him. That will be my prayer that when I not around other believers that the Holy Spirit would guide my action and thinking and to be the little house on the hill 🛤.

I will still be praying for me to love people for they are God’s creation and that I will love them just as God also loves me and them. I wanted to be able to love people, nonbelievers and believers alike, just as God does.