running thought

it is 2:30 a.m. The best part about my day today was skating at the park. It was relaxing. I was hoping to get my mind of things that are bothering me. Skating or playing tennis serve as an escape. However, my mind if still thinking something that is bothering me. I felt tired but my mind kept running about something that I couldn’t resolved, so here I am trying to organize my feeling to figure out exactly what is bothering me about today’s experience. I am going to be honest, so I could gained some clarity.

I think what has been bothering me was the lunch I had today with a coworker I met at work. Maybe there is something that made me uncomfortable. So I like chill out and not think too much about anything. But for some reasons I didn’t feel completely myself around the person. First off, I hate waiting for people and I waited 30 minutes for him to show up. That was not fun. It was disappointing and I would hate if I do that to others. The talking was meh too, it seems too shallow for me. I like to get deeper than the surface when it comes to conversation, but the conversation was just kind of boring. I personally do not like lunch or eating related meet-up in general because I would have to eat and talk almost at the same time and it was just bad timing. Next time, I will not agree to any of the eating related get-to-know someone meeting. Period. It was too uncomfortable. Yeah, the date was honestly just boring and I feel like I didn’t get any exchange of information, in another word, I feel like I didn’t really learn much about the person, but oh well. This is just coming from my point of view. I also hated it when people think I am sweet, simply for their first impression of me. I know I am not “sweet,” and the assumption was kind of agin bothersome. I am just me. Someone who is brutally honest with the people I know and definitely not sweet. What else, yeah the meeting was just not fun and I will not be agreeing for the second meeting. It is just not my vibe and I think the reason it has been bothering me was because it didn’t went well and I need to learn not to be caught up in something that I can’t control. I’ve had about 5 meeting with different people this month, which seem like a lot, but still I didn’t feel any sort of awkwardness or uncomfortability. Also, I feel like it is only awkward if you make it so.

Another lesson I learn is to not be more than friend with people I work with. It is just uncomfortable if something went wrong. It is definitely not something pleasant and I am learning it for the second time now and it won’t be the third time around. Period. Twice is enough. So all in all, I just wanted vent that there are situations that you can’t control and it is something that already happened and there is no need to worry about. Next time, assess the situation better. If it might seem uncomfortable then don’t do it. If the pros weight less than the cons then better not to act on it even though in the moment you didn’t really see what could go wrong. I am guilty of having a double standard also, so I can’t fault him for feeling a certain way because I would definitely feel the same way if that were to happened to me. But again there was no damage being done, therefore, I would just forget about the incident. Therefore, I understand where he was coming from, but I might have handle it differently. But that still didn’t excuse the fact that the conversation was not engaging for me. Still, it is ok that all of this happened and I am not going to beat myself up for it. I need to learn not to worry about things I can’t control and that not everything will go according to my expectation. Let it go and move-on, there is really nothing to worry about. It will passed and life goes on with or without me. I have goals and dreams I need to full-fill. There are so much more to do and to live for. Don’t let one set back beat yourself up and make you worry that cause you to not fall asleep like usual. This is, again, another lesson learn and it is good. You know what you learn to like or dislike. I also need to also learn to say no sometimes and I am really bad at this. There are many times where I just cannot say no when someone ask to hangout. So I need to learn to be strong and say “no.”

The lesson learn are:

-don’t worry about something you can’t control

-learn to say NO

-if things do not go according to expectation, don’t beat yourself up

-you only make it awkward if you feel it; deception makes it reality

Ok I take it back partially that the date didn’t went well. The conversation wasn’t entirely boring, but perhaps the situation was not something I preferred. There are so many things gone wronged that just makes the meeting sucks. I take most of it back. There was just more things gone wrongs than rights and it made the entire date sucks. So, all in all I just need to calm myself down and breath. Next time, choose a low-key kind of date where you know you can handle and feel comfortable.

Dates you like

-walking in the park

-doing activities

Dates you don’t like (even though you did give it a try):

  • having to have a meal sort of date (except picnic)
  • watching a movie date

Why some doesn’t find true love

No wonder why some people are single or had relationship after relationships where led again to singleness. These are my experiences with online dating and this is just personal because obviously has everyone have different experiences. I found it to be mostly bad than good and it took a good God’s guidance to eventually get there. I found out that a “swipe right” on someone work as an ego boost to them. There are some don’t get me wrong that are looking for a genuine connection with someone, but the ones I found were plain poopy inside in. I know that I enjoy partnership with someone and I prefer a good guy that could make me trust him and not questioning his intentions. I met, again, poopy guys in the past. The fact that I feel the way I am feeling now, sort of tricker the bad experiences I had with people. Also, something about me just doesn’t want to date good guys. There are some out there that are interested and we get along well, but something about me was not and is not interested. May be I have a codependency problem I don’y know. I am already skeptical about the opposite gender I share the world with and experiencing this negative experiences again and again make it really dull. I think I am going to quite online dating for good because I bring me miserable and quick enjoyment that didn’t last. I know that I would only talk to someone with good looks, but this online experiences also taught me to still be shallow. Again I don’t think I can date anyone who I don’t find attractive. Anyhow, right now God is telling me that this is not your time, you need to wait, and that I have better plans for you. I not at all a perfect Christian, but God is perfect and He does look out for me when I about to be in real danger. I pray for a good, handsome, and tall guy God. The one that loves you just as much if not more than you. I think negatively about guys and usually if I have some hunches about someone, God gives me this intuition to decipher what is right about someone. I have this in me, I just need to use it often. There are many guys out there whose intention is pure evil and selfish. I can name a lot of them, but I won’t. Anyhow I thank God for saving me once again from a predator and false desire.

This experience also makes me realize how broken people are in this world. These people lack the love and promises that God offers to them. They are searching for a quick fix, ego booster instead of facing right in with their problems of insecurity, loneliness, and being lost.

Often time when I am with the wrong type of people, it makes me question and value myself in the process that there are something wrong with me. I started to doubt myself and lost myself when I know who I am but still less than how God knows me. I started to feel all these down, negative feeling such as I have walls up, I this I that. And guess what, the problem isn’t me, it wasn’t, but the situation I am in right now is the problem. This is how naive I am at times. I quick to see flaws in myself better than at others and their problems quickly became mine and it makes me feel trouble, bother, restless, and insecure. This is guy Christ teaches his follower to date someone with the same yoke. I learn this again and again, times after times, not to do this, yet I did not obey God’s plan. There are many evils out there and God tries to keep me way from them. Thank you, Jesus for saving me times after times from evil and temptation.

I now learn that when I don’t trust someone, there is usually a reason if not more reasons. This is a lesson learned and I did gain because of God’s grace and love. Jesus, thank you fro giving me this wisdom to learn more about myself. You are truly awesome. I prayed that my two jobs I hope I acquire works out within your plan for me and if they are not for me I will not pushed it. Guide me, oh Lord. You’re beautiful and perfect. I am not beautiful or perfect but I serve the one who does always.

This is all that I have to say today. Another lesson learned. God just kind of making obey what He commands for me to be. I seem to be tempted in this area of life, he knows I want a connection, a partnership. But he simply said, not now and not with this person or people. He truly wants the best for me in his plan. God whenever I am about to dwelt into my brokenness, you fills me in. Another lesson I have learned is to actually listen to what I am saying and often time it is not always clear. My feeling is not transparent, but God knows my trouble and short coming and will rescue me from my brokenness.

If you happen to stumble across my blog, I hope that you learn something from me. I am growing everyday. I am learning everyday. I learn to trust myself more and more. I know that I am flirty most of the time without a serious intention. I am being flirty is not what’s wrong, but I was being flirty with the wrong type of people that’s all. When it comes to someone I see as prize, I was quite reserve and quiet.

People comes and goes in life, but God stays the same. Anyhow I lost track with what I was trying to say to my reader if I even have any. I wanted them to know that God loves you and He wants the best for you in every possible question. He knows you are not perfect but it is important to put him first in your life, so all good things will come from him to you without delaying. He knows when the time is ready for you whether that be the job you dreamed of or your spouses. Remember to trust him so He will provide. Thank Him and Pray to him often. The world is broken everyday, but God isn’t. He is perfect and full of love.

Goodnight.

Actually, I forget to address why some people doesn’t find true love on online dating or just dating in general. It is because they do not have good intentions for dating to begin with, They view love selfishly and honestly quite disgusting. These people may have experienced disappointment in the past and they perhaps hold on to the resentment and further cause damaged to their body, mind, and soul. They fall into this dark hole and feed on this dark desires that are not meant to allow them to see the night of sky or light. They fallen and serving the wrong god. This is why they will never found true love because they fail to realize where true love comes from and true loves come from God and God only. It is the kind of love that gives unselfishly and unconditionally. I am not sure if I could also say the love from a parent, but I doubt our patents have flaws too thus might not make their love in the most purest form. Yet, their love is still greater than most love by human beings. True love only comes from God and He gives generously, without fail. You just have to be willing to receive and work to keep it. This is how you find true love my friend, and I am friend with myself too. Seek Him to find your true love.

Lessons Learned About a Relationship

One thing, I learned after a break up is to be absolutely sure (in the future) that I am certain, 100%, wanted to be in a relationship with the person and that there is no”luke warm” feelings or thought such as I like him, but… or sure, why not.. sort of thought when considering dating someone.

The Lord taught me as well that the person who read and follow God’s word, has similar values that come from God, is more likely to treat the girl/guy they are dating in a manner that God directs and desires. For me, I had like to be friend with a person before I want to be in a relationship with him because friendship last longer and getting to know the person as a friend first is important.

I also learned to wait for the physical contact until wayyy later in the relationship. Instead spend time talking to the person and getting to know him/her. Of course, this should come naturally because you have an interest in the person. The conversation shouldn’t feel force, but flows naturally when talking to someone you like to know more. The conversation should feel enjoyable and the longer the relationship, the different topic of conversations should will “pop up,” allowing you to see different sides of the person, getting to know more of who they are. As long as you want to be around the person and wanted to know about him/her then that is a good indication that you like someone. Think about the subject you like to learn, you tend to do well in it, so anything you like, you tend to be good at, because you enjoy doing and doesn’t feel like a chore. If you can talk to the person and that person is your best friend, then the relationship should be stronger. The main focus for a relationship is the communication, small, big, deep talk, any sort of talk, honesty talk, the list goes on. The physical side of a relationship may not be as important as the communication in the beginning of a relationship. However, you may ask, how will I know if I have chemistry with the person? The answer to this question is that you’ll just feel it. You will sometimes feel like hugging or kissing the person, but from my experience (however this is totally up to you) waiting for this physical side of thing is better and should be determine wayyyyyy later I the relationship. And by wayyyyy later has no particular timeline, you will know when you feel ready and that your relationship feel solid and you feel like you learn so much about the person and that you’re both truly ready for the next step. Also, treat physical intimacy (that is not sex because sex is a gift from God and should be waited until marriage) with cautious because the Lord mention about purity and lust in the Bible. It will be alarming when both parties feel the void in the relationship with physical contact because the communication isn’t as strong. The physical intimacy will arrive when both want to validate that our communication is strong. If I have to set a timeline, and if I were to date someone in the future, I would spend as much time talking to the person in public, with a group of friends, etc. I wouldn’t bring him to talk at my place. I would meet him in public where it is easier to talk more and to get to know the person. There are so many locations to talk: the park, a coffee shop, literally could be anywhere. Also, do different activity together to find out more about him/her such as go on a hike, play bowling, watch movie at a movie theater, volunteer/community service etc.

I also, will not control and be pushy about the relationship, I would not expect or rush anything, but simply spend time and getting to know the person. I would absolutely not expect because if I were to expect something and my expectations weren’t met then I set myself up for disappointments. I simply will evaluate the person according who he is and I will be mindful that the beginning phrase of a relationship is the trickiest part. The beginning of a relationship is the impress-the-person phrase, what’s valuable and weights more is the later part of the relationship when the beginning phrase has passed. Caring for someone and him/her caring for you in a relationship in a later term should indicate how the person will treat you if he/she were to marry you in the future.

Another advice I learned is that the relationship itself will not be able to full-fill me in the way that only my Creator can. If both parties love God and seek Him, it is a better indication that both parties will love each other more purely because both love God.

Now that I am typing about relationship and dating, I knew that right now I don’t think I had like to date anyone anytime soon, because I had like to work and be happy (be closer to God and seek his fulfillment) and another is that being in a relationship requires maturity, selflessness, and commitment. It is work that shouldn’t feel like work when you truly enjoy the person.

The reason why I ended my first 3 months relationship is because I am simply not ready to be in a relationship. This relationship tired and worries me more than had helped me academically and mentally. I simply know that this relationship is not right for me in a sense that I am not secure about the relationship. In another word, my first relationship is not solid and requires work and attention from both parties. It is also important that a relationship I am in be a God-centered one, a relationship that will help me grow closer to the Lord, not farther away. A relationship should make you be a better person, introduce you to new things, feel fun, exciting, caring, and nurturing. A relationship should not bring you down, makes you worry about nonsense and makes you feel crazy. A healthy relationship should makes you healthier.

If I can sum up the advice I give to you and especially to myself about dating is 1. to date someone when I am absolutely, 100% want to date the person, 2. do not force a person to do anything, 3. wait for physical intimacy, 4. get to know the person as a friend first, 5. evaluate the relationship whether it makes me feel closer to God, and 6. do I like the person, wanting to know more about him, therefore, date him.

 

When you realized your homework isn’t due until Wednesday…

My chemistry online course have 3 homework assignments due 3 times per week, one that is due on Monday morning at 8 am, another on Wednesday morning at 8 am, and the last one on Friday at 8 am, and the cycle repeat the same every week. However, this upcoming week (the week before Spring Break), I realized that I will only have two assignments due on Wednesday and Friday only, instead of the usual three. I have glad, but then I also have physics test on Wednesday that I need to understand.

I am taking 17 credit hours this semester, which is the most hours I have taken in college thus far. It is doable, time management simply have got to be well-organized.

I recently met a guy, which I mentioned in my previous blog. Honestly, it is fun to date. He is my first boyfriend. We have many things in common, which I find that to be quite interesting. We will see how this will go, because this is our only third week dating. We see each other often, 6 out of 7 days a week and we spent about 2+ hours every time we meet. It is fun, but I have to say that my grade definitely has been affected by the occurrence. Why this had happened, I am not sure. I thrust in the Lord, for He is faithful and omniscient. I am not sure what the future holds, however, my God is a great, big God who have the best plan for me, who loves me. I have a great, great God in all my days and nights.

Now, in the beginning when he asked if I would like to go on a date with him. I said “umm… sure,” then the following morning at the church parking lot, I told him inside of his car that I would like to wait. Then the following week, I said “Sure,” that I would be okay to date him. He was happy. I thought I was sure, but I did felt a little nervous to my stomach because there is a part of me that is dealing with the unknown of the future. However, the following day, I met up with my friend and told her about him. She was feeling sketchy about the situation, since we just met. She thought that I was not quite sure what I want and I seemed to be second guessing myself about the dating situation. She also told me not to lead him on. Now, I am not sure why I gave her the impression that I am leading him on. But that certainly made me think whether I want to date S.

Two days later after meeting my friend, I met with another friend from my sorority to talk about dating. I learned many things from her. I learned that it is okay to hold hands and hug. I wanted to make sure that I am obeying God. S. and I laid boundary when we first dated that there should be no kissing until later in the relationship. We both agreed and I was glad he respected the request.

He is a good guy; polite, considered, and responsible. I realized that I liked him. In the beginning, I had no idea why he would want to date me, I questioned him several times, which I was apparently okay with his answers.

In the beginning, I was definitely thought about lowering our dating status to good friend   (after I had already accepted to date him, which I thought about this the next day). I simply gone with it and did not say anything about lowering our status. Part of the reason why I considered lowering our status is because of school and I also wanted to make sure that he truly wanted to date me, for real.

Anyway, so far, I like S. more than the day we first met. I am not sure where this is going, but I know that my God has a good plan. I am also glad that S. believes in Jesus because this factor is definitely important whether or not I would date someone.

So far, dating has been pretty fun. It is definitely a new experience for me and I am still learning. I like to see him and spend time with him. I typically do not spend a lot of time around others. I simply like to just do my thing. I don’t typically like to hangout that much either, but with S., I don’t mind. In fact, I enjoy his company.

Wow, this is certainly fascinating. One thing is that S. is not that complicated. His thinking is pretty much simple. He loves cars and have red hair. He also had his own YouTube channel, which I thought is cool.

Anyway, I am going to end this tonight. It has been fun writing on this page after a while of not posting this blog.

Goodnight and sleep tight. Wake up tomorrow to do your laundry and possibly study and make delicious breakfast!