My life is a blessing

I’m so thankful for my sister. What did I do to deserve her—to even have her as my one and only. She cares very much for me. She hasn’t caused me any burden ever. She always makes me so proud of her. I’m always proud and grateful for her. She’s one of a kind—a quite special lady who protects and cares for me and the rest of the family. She never ceased to make me laugh. She’s the silliest, funniest, the most wonderful girl. She cares and hears everything I tell her. What did i do to deserve such a wonderful other half. I give thanks to also my mom and dad who gave me her. And mostly i thank God for allowing me to be born in this family who cares so so much for me. I love them with all my heart and i want to make them proud. I love you, Gift. I’m so grateful for you. I love you and thank you for being the best sister I could ever have to brag and hold on to the earliest memories we have together. Im glad to be called your big sister. You’ll always be my little one. I love you munchkin.

Minimalism

I’d just finished watching a documentary on Netflix called the Minimalists. I see that it will be coming out soon, and I’d tried to watch it last week, but it hadn’t came out. It was meant to be that I finally gotten to see it today! And it wasn’t disappointing, but quite inspirational. I wasn’t hard for me to pick out what to watch on Netflix. I prefer anything that I can get out of and not mere entertainment–predictable plots and pointless fantasies. I am not saying that those are bad or evils, but it is boring, at least for me. Anyhow, I’m not here to bash those movies or t.v. shows. I’ve watch Queen’s Gambit and it was good!

Back to what I was originally was going to reflect on, is that more doesn’t necessity equivalent to becoming more happy. I supposed the saying of less (stuff) is more makes sense after having finished the documentary. We could argued as to why they (Joshua and Ryan) were to start this idea called minimalism. I’m not quite sure the idea were started by them or not, but they told the story in the documentary. Let’s just say, we could argued that these two guys were probably ought to make more money too. Regardless of their intentions or motivations. They simply shared their ideas with the world and it made me think that I don’t really need to the the things I thought I needed to be happy. The things that I have right now, I am ok and perhaps I was chasing after the wrong, false ideas of what it means to be happy and to live a meaningful life. Ok I’m 23 years old and a recent college graduate. I don’t know exactly that it is to live a meaningful life. These saying seemed to have been introduce before, but I am still not sure what it means.

The documentary definitely didn’t say to throw away everything you own and live with like a toothbrush and one pair of jeans. It did, however, wanted to inspire us to be thoughtful to ourselves and what we need and for our planet. The world wants to sell us stuff. The idea is more and more, which we don’t really need. It makes me wanted to get rid of my stuff that I definitely sure I don’t need.

Lsat night (even having watch the show), I felt like decluttering my Spotify playlist. I had this playlist I called LBB-ACT that I use to open when I drive home from Lubbock to Waco. Anyhow, I decided to focus on the songs I actually like to listen to and simply forget about the ones I skipped. I has a total of 15 playlists before the reorganization but by the end of the night I had more total of playlists than started, but they are all more organize and I could still condense them easier now if I needed to in the future. I ended up with 23 playlists with only a few songs that fit its category. I felt better about my Spotify playlist that can still be improved. Perhaps this is the beginning of what’s more to come. There are always things to look forward to every year. I’m excited this up coming season of life. I feel like life is still good and exciting to explore. It might be ending soon, but I don’t want to waste my life.

I’m thankful for my family even though I cannot always talk to them. I’m not sure if I just couldn’t talk to them or I don’t allow them to or given their chance. I’m not quit sure. And maybe I do, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’ve always just live in my own world. I often time, wanted to get away and live by myself. I have that thought whenever I had a disagreement with my dad. The things we asked of off each other are great things. In fact, if we followed them, it makes me a better person. The fact is nobody could fully change me, only God cans. And maybe one day I will simply do what he says. Maybe one day I would love and care for him more. Maybe one day I could be less selfish and be more gentle to him. Only one day. Only one day. There is fight or flight. I like to have ideas of flight. I just wanted to get away and do my own thing. I really do, but I felt like I would have to repay my dad for that he has done for me. It felt like a burden and that isn’t love, but more like debt. Like he might be invented in the wrong thing, which is me. I am about living my life, but I couldn’t have done or have what I have today without him as my supporter. I don’t think it is a debt, but more of a gratitude. I wanted to be good to him and be nicer to him and make him feel love. He loves me so much more than I could possibly understand. But at the same time, I wanted all this things in life partially for him too. I wanted him an easy life–a mice house and a spot that he enjoys. I wanted him to be happy for all the things he has done for me. I wanted to reply him for taking care of me every single days and for loving me all my life. It is a lot of pressure. It really is. And maybe I don’t really need all of those things for him to be happy. I just need to make him happy with what I have, which is time, good conversations. and maybe a nice meal once in while that Cook for him. That’s really all that he needs. God honestly given me wisdom to reflect and discern things, but I will surely ask Him that I could follow through. I don’t have to achieve all these great awesome thing in life, but with what I have he is important to me more than anything or anyone could offers. My dad is my sort of inspiration that I had forgotten and stupidly ignored, abused, and taken for granted. He is the most important thing in my life that I didn’t cherish. My family, the people closest to me are the most important thing in my life. And I want them to be happy.

Perplexing Bitterness

I’m perplexed at the bitterness of my heart. I know I am bad and mean and selfish and cold and everything but good. I’m just bad and bitter. And I don’t need to explain or owe it to other. All I know is that I need to be better. I think that my life is so bad but I’m bad and that’s all. Well I don’t have to be bad. I can be good. Nothing good comes easy but maybe if one’s lucky. All I know is that I’m tired of being mean to my dad. I don’t have to be perfect but what I could be is to not be mean to people who I think deserves it or hurt me. I’m done with that. It produced no good and I can witnessed that in my own life. It doesn’t do me any good to be mean to someone. I don’t think I have the right to be mean to someone. I’m not a judge and I simply don’t need to act like one. I need to stop and do good things that I think is good. The world in itself has already been fill with lots of pain and hurt. I don’t need to add to the excess sorrows, anger, pain, and suffering. I need to stop with the passive aggressions and hurtful deeds, actions, and words. I am better than that because I am a child of God. He is willing to leave the 99 to find one missing cheap. Well the saying doesn’t make much sense but still, I’m simply wanted to end this aggression I have towards others. I believe that they don’t deserve my meaness and I simply don’t have the right to be mean to them or cause them pain even if they caused mine. I would simply do my best even if the rest fail. Honestly, even if my dad fail to love himself, there is little I can do. I guess I could and should still love on him and that is it. That is what I should do , but could I simply do nothing? Like I will not be mean to him but leave him alone? So I am asking if indifference is ok. I think this is it for today, maybe I wil continue later, because I need to go home and don’t laundry.

Train (life) Ride

Easier said than done

Life is full of surprises. I have been on this train ride for about 2 days now. And I’m mostly avoiding it or confronting it, because I angry and if I were to say something I feel like the anger will not be contain and that hurtful saying will be spilled or hurts feelings. Right now, I’m in my dad’s car eating Panda Express. I know the food here isn’t the best compare to what I get at home by my dad but it’s good, hot—I don’t know about fresh. It will get as fresh as it gets I presumed. Anyhow, today happened to be a really nice day out. And there were just a guy that burbed really loudly that had just passed my car. It startled me and I would probably made the funniest face. Anyhow I don’t know if he did that on purposed or what, but he was obnoxious. Anyhow back to today being an almost the perfect day. Well, perfect day in terms of the weather, but close to a perfect day in terms of hunger. I got a lot of sleep done though, because there was nothing to eat and so I just slept. Oh I can couldn’t go out to find something to eat either because I had no car. I had a friend named Tooba in high school. I guess we are still friend, but we just hasn’t been in contact with each other. Anyhow, Tooba used to say—I don’t know if she’s still saying it now because he haven’t talk. But she used to always say that ‘people are annoying.’ And I guess it took me this day to realized that it’s somewhat true. Some people are annoying and I don’t if this a reflection of my heart and it most likely is the reflection of state of my thought and therefore, could be say the state of my heart to make it sounds more pretty—I am in. Panda Express tastes better, but today it was just ok. It was good but it was missing something—it was missing my excitement. Anyhow, I before I left for Panda, I was actually in my bed, contemplating maybe going to eat Panda..and a text popped up, “Hey, I’m free to talk if you are,” from a friend. I mean “a friend” sounded distant because people usually say “my friend” has texted me. Weirdly enough, ‘a friend’ was probably is the people outside of my family that I actually say something to or tell him stuff personally to. But yeah, miraculously enough, I called him a friend and not my friend. And maybe that is also another reflection of the way my thinking are. Well as I typing this, another so called ‘a friend’ just texted me saying that he couldn’t make it to tennis because he hasn’t finished working. I know I does that too, but honestly I would just say I can’t make it today and be done with it. And that had probably wha it could do. No, I typically does that if I can’t make it to something I would just let them know something came up, so I can’t make it or simply I can’t today and maybe throwing a free sorry here and there like “sorry, I can’t today,” when I almost means no I can’t talk period. It is really funny how my minds work, but I forgot that other have minds too, so that is a while other realm I rather not explore. And maybe try to understand and be nice. I know I’m a selfish being and I am relying on God to make me less selfish. I know He’s Always Presence. And I had this feeling that He’ll be coming soon, so He’s telling me to get ready and be good—to remain in Him and listen to what He has been telling me. I think that this thought of Him coming soon has nothing to do with the reason changing, but more with Him actually coming soon to take those to has been faithful back to him in heaven. Well, I would be sad that my mom and dad as of now isn’t safe and honestly I get to know God because of His people and right now let me tell you, if my mom and dad is looking at me who believe in God, they are not seeing a good version of me. I am more than likely not the light. I am an emotionally being and I learnt today that I should trust my feelings and emotions well, I’m not cleared on this. How are we human if we can’t trust our emotion. I’m confused right now and I know Jesus always has plans. Anyhow, today at Panda, with the social distancing, all the hungry people has to form line that extend outside of the store because they only “allow max of 5 people instead,” and honestly this rule is very abuse because they weren’t actually five people instead but more. Anyhow, beside a whole other issues of rule or should I say “saying,” nah, I’m back to saying rules because somehow they are more than not broken or have exceptions that weren’t explicitly say in the rules. Deep breath. Anyhow, yes, back to the point of mentioning the line at Panda. Just so you know if it’s not obvious I’m still sitting in my truck, in a parking lot I’m front of Panda and eating Panda while typing my thought and it has been nothing but entertaining. So right, right when I walk to the store and I remembered thinking “wow, there are lots of people, hungry, and me too.” There is this man, I had backspaced typing “this is this gentleman,” because I don’t know if he’s gentle. Somehow the society wanted men to be more gentle, so they’re enforcing the pronoun to reminding them to not be barbaric but Gentle. Anyhow, this man was in line as I walked up, I saw him and there were what appeared to be a mom and two sons after the man, so I thought oh he’s the dad. But I took me like maybe 3 guessing minutes to realized that no the man came by himself. I quickly became instead in him for maybe another minute or two. Ok let me clarified that I wasn’t interested in him like what you might be thinking which is lovely dovey, potentially romantically, but just interested. I began to think, ok, this man is looking good for his age, which I’m thinking 35 but he could be more, he just maintain his shape, so he looks nice and fitted. I don’t know how much he pays for his “gym” time but nevertheless he caught my 23 year old attention enough to start analyzing him. Also let me clarified that I like beauty and aesthetics. And perhaps I shouldn’t have clarified myself assss most of us notice the beautiful things in life and we appreciate them and whatever I don’t need to excuse myself for this. This man looks good for his age and instead of ordering a plate, he ordered a bowl, so my mind of like oh he’s dad who’s ordering this for a child, so like how quickly I noticed him, he got dropped. And I order my food not even remembering him until after I finished ordering my food is when I was him India car in front of Panda. It was a nice car, a black, sleek, Volvo. I was like “woo” not out loud of course, I I just walk walk walk walk to my car all happy because of the weather. I turned my head to the sun, all perky, and walk to my truck with a thought that maybe he could me a stalker. So he pulled out to the street and left and I was like “man, he is kind da cute.”

It’s now 7:46 and it’s night and I’m 1/4 to finishing my food and I’m already thinking of an ice cream shop but maybe I will visit my aunt instead of some frozen dairy, cream, and sugar. Sometimes, I have high expectations of people around me, used to be my ex, my aunt, and family. I learned quite a while now that expectation kills good feeling of appreciation in relationships. And the root of it is probably selfishness which I know I harbor and have. Anyhow, I know life in itself is good, God created man, woman, living things for good, but we got corrupted and turn against God. Our mind got this off and on plague of human selfishness and pride and dirty dirty, disgusted desires. Anyhow, I’m getting a little too deep here that I too, haven’t figured it out and I’m probably borrowing somebody else’s thought. If I am being really really even more honest, then I have had sex with my guy for the first time. He was my second boyfriend, and I remembered a pastor I watched on YouTuBe said that sex is meant to be a joining of soul kind of moment and it was only between husband and wife and it was beautiful, sacred, and maybe he said holy or I just came up with it. Anyway, this joining god the soul moment in sexual intercourse that I had with my ex was simply not meant to be. I got a part of him, and maybe he got a part of me too. I have been noticing that the thought I dislike about him that he expressed to me became something I’m having them myself. I became judge mental about people and impatient Mx etc. etc. When driving, judging people in the way I haven’t really been and I think it was this joining of soul moment that I took from him. And no I didn’t want it but I was tempted and fell for it. God forgives but that doesn’t means I won’t experience the consequences. And that relationship was almost 2 years ago and I’m still living the consequences and it seemed like a part of him never left me—free. I carried a part of him, how he acted and behave with me and the thought of it pops up here and there whenever my thought chooses. I’m not living in the pain that I had in the beginning months after break up and it is better now than it has been. And I have been careful with relationship with the man and women alike. I know than men think differently than women, I mean c’on this is not a surprise statement in this day and age. Men somehow, motivated and hunt for sex when they found the object they fancy. Women kind for maybe a protector. I could be so so wrong in this thought and it is not that simple. I’m not saying that all man are shallow, even if I 100% sounded that way. Some of us doesn’t have our thought plague with stuff and do look for a more pure love and relationship—symbiosis than selfish ones. Oh did I tell you that I’ve been angry at my dad for like a month now. They were stories after stories that causes him to smoke weed and find happiness in it as a way to cover how he feels about me or how I’ve hurt or not listen to him. I have taken him for granted. I’ve abused him emotionally and he is not going to come out and say that I’ve hurt him. He is very passive with his emotion. I never know how he truly felt and I could say that is the skill he never quite learn to express. And most men never learned to express their feelings, my grandpa included and may be some of yours too. He rather relied on weed to make him happy when distress and hope that one day it will get better. And honestly, I don’t want to break it, but weed will not cute the problem that inflame the heart—only God can. I still harbor this anger I have toward him and sometimes, I feel like I started to be angry with others too quickly. I got angry at my mom, sister, and aunt quickly after that. I blamed them for not being there for me and ignoring what I told them to do. Anger is like fire, once it started it’s not easy to contain the spread. The coolest story of this story is that it has been almost 3 hours in my car writing down my thoughts. Writing is probably my favorite hobby that I don’t always tell people or at least say that it is my hobby or therapy or what ever to call it. I enjoy expressing my thought and feelings that only I care about. And perhaps God do too. I have clips of thought here and there of wanting to write a book and publish it to the world to see and hear—to be understood or to be heard. But no one will completely understand me in a flesh form. But it is still fun to have someone able to relate. I do less than 90% of fabricating my stories and anything I wrote so the book should be non-fiction or an autobiography in the store. Now I’m extremely thirsty after eating, but I’m busy typing. And that rhymes, so maybe I should be a rapper too. I do escape from the harshness or unpleasantness of the world from time to time whenever it gets boring and especially hard. I get away and be with myself—recharge. The people who study and try to put people into category would call me an introvert. And I didn’t realized myself enough to say that yes I am more than likely an introvert. I’m a first when I met you extrovert and when I got to warm up with me, introvert. I can lose and gain a pound simultaneously. It is funny how that works. And did I tell you that I wanted to work with my hand I’m a field that would more than likely allow me to financially build and design my own home. I’m a field that I am able to utilize my skill and purpose and thinking and the way I sort of am. I wanted to work with my hand to either be a dentist or a surgeon. And I’m leaning towards surgery more than dentistry even though for some reason life keep steering me away from the hospital. And maybe God is telling me to be a dentist instead and he probably telling me so right now and I keep questioning it. You know I’m going to just apply for dental school. Maybe I should just start looking at some when I get home. I never really look into dental school at all as funny as it sound. Also, my cousin is a dentist and there is only one medical doctor in my family and one dentist, but still she is only 2 years older than me and so I don’t want to have the same occupation as she did. My pride ego is saying I want to be the only one in my generation to be a surgeon—to be the first and a pioneer. And I think that is why I choose medical school. I wonder if I could be both though? Is there someone out there like that two holding these two jobs at once. I’m sure there is. And I’ve never been a one way street person. I’m more than one street, I always hold more than one job, do more than one thing at a time. It felt unsatisfying to just do one thing, so why not both? I think I’m going to start with a gentle school? And then apply to medical school? Or should I start with my original plan of the medical school first and go from there. Perhaps that is better. Right about now is when food starting to smell like vomit. What seems to be a bustling and lively weather quickly turn quiet and slow wind. I think I’m going to call my aunt and go see her for some ice cream. It was a voice mail as it has been such recently for the past week—goes straight to the voice mail. If she knows technology well, I would think she block me on purpose like I had just block my sister and mom last night. Isn’t it petty. I know it is, trust me, and it will change to unblock I’m a few hours maybe. I wanted some free ice cream right now at my aunt’s. And a thought just came to my the “my aunt’s” should be a name of a restaurant or food truck or something. It’s different and I’m different just like I am different than you and everybody else. We have similarities but some different. Well she just called back and I guilt her by saying she doesn’t never put to heart into getting my favorite ice cream at the store. My heading to see her right now.

The unexpected

Well, how do I begin this, my dad got tested positive for Covid-19 today. His symptoms showed up four days ago. He began to have fever on Thursday afternoon. He woke up early that day to do a big load of laundry. He hand-wash all of his laundry because the washing machine would not completely get clean the stain on all of his shirt and pants. He did the work all day and as result, the activity made me felt sore and tired. We all thought it was because of the workload that made he felt all the symptoms. But little did we know those aching and tiredness were the symptoms Covid-19 that he would today got tested for. In the same day that afternoon, he also had fever, which we also thought was nothing serious. The symptoms showed up the past Thursday July the second, two-thousand-and-twenty, and he finally got those symptoms tested today July the sixth, two-thousand-and-twenty. He got tested at 5 p.m. and the result came back two hours later. The doctor called and told us what we needed to do, which of course was to avoid large crowds gathering, be six feet apart from people, and wear marks at all times.

Since my dad and I live together, I am quite certain that I have been exposed to the virus and highly likely that I have the disease as well, which I will get myself tested tomorrow. I do have symptoms today, which are very mild difficulty breathing, very mild chest pain, soreness, and tiredness. So far these are my symptoms, noted that all of them are very mild that they don’t interfere with my daily activities. I also would like to mention that my dad is also doing fine. He only seemed to be effected by the tiredness and body aching, which he could still perform every normal activities like he would on a regular day. As of now my dad do not need serious medical equipment such as a ventilator, medications, or further testing. This is because his symptoms are not serious nor is/or life-threatening as compare to some other serious cases you might hear about on t.v.

As of now, I will get tested for Covid-19 tomorrow July 7th, 2020. Like I said, I am quite positive that I have the disease because of the symptoms I usually would not be experiencing. I am not afraid or panic because of what is happening. I am optimistic that we can and will get better. We are not being reckless, but will be treating the condition very seriously as to prevent the spread of the disease to other less fortunate others. I personally do not see our symptoms worsen as long as be take care of our body to receive plenty of rest, consume healthy diet, as well as drinking large quantity of water than we usually do. My dad and I will be taking care of each other until we both get better to celebrate being Covid-19 free.

7/19/20 – an update

So after my dad got tested positive, I was certain that I will also would be tested positive too. However, it turned out that my test result came back negative, which was a surprised. Considering that I felt like I had all the symptoms for covid-19. My dad’s condition is slowly improving everyday. Some days the symptoms were the same as yesterday, however, he eventually felt more like himself. That’s all the update I got, we are all doing okay. My dad is strictly quarantining since the day he got tested. I celebrated my 23rd birthday with him because I was quarantining too. My sister surprised me with the best gift ever. That’s it for real now. Goodnight.

Post-Graduation Virtual Ceremony

Man I can’t believe it. I am overwhelm with unexplainable joy and full of gratitude from congratulated words by friends, teachers, family and relatives. These people mean the world to me for just taking their time to Love, Like, or Comment on my post about sharing my virtual graduation link on Facebook. I mean blessed Facebook for providing a platform and opportunity to connect with my relatives, friends, and family from Thailand. I am so touched and thrilled by all the comments and likes I’ve received. You have to idea how much you taking time to congratulate means to me. It means the world. It means you sharing your experience with me. It means you still remember me and I do still and always will remember you even though I have not been back to visit in years. I hope to visit soon, very soon because I need to catch-up with them and just hug them and to see how they’re all doing. I miss them. Thailand is part of my amazing, wild, and wondrous childhood that I could not trade for anything else. I am blessed to my have time there and it will always be my home. So to all my relatives back homes as well as loved ones back home and here, to all the friends and families, I appreciate you guys. I would make sure to visit you in Thailand when I go back just like the time you took to acknowledge my post. I never thought graduation was a big deal, but it became a big deal because of you all. You’ve made it very special for me to celebrate. Even though this graduation strictly seems to only congratulate me. I wanted to use this time to congratulate you for being part of my life, my childhood, and has a say and shape who I am today. You’re all part of it and part of my journey. Thank you for stopped your scrolling to give a thought of me. I really am thankful.

July 13

Today’s my birthday! I am so happy that I lived a full year. It is exciting, fun, and memorable. Receiving good wishing from loved ones; family and friends are the best part about my birthday. This especially goes to my lovely, the best sister in the entire world. My love, Gift. She is simply lovely and I am so glad to have her as my sister. I love her to the moon and back. Gift, like her name, is a very special person in my life. I would absolutely not trade her for anything. Gift, I love you and I am thankful to God for given you to be my sister. You made me laughed and cried with tears of happiness. You bring joy in to my life. You’re so silly and you’ve always been silly.

My dad is another person in my life whom I thankful for, all through and always. This man helped me in all aspects–from cooking, ironing my cloths (sometimes on special occasion), helping me move, carrying things, fixing stuff for me, and caring for me. I love him and thankful to have him as my dad. I love him and appreciate him so much. This man is also very funny, chill, and rarely worry about things.

My mom, I love her. Even though, we live far away. She is the ones who sympathized with me and worried for me and my well-being, sometimes, I feel like it’s nonsense, but that’s her and she cares for me. She is a kind of mom who will buy me foods and drinks whenever I want. I love you, mommy. She is easily alerted, but she is unique in her own ways.

This special day reminded me special people in my life. I am thankful and grateful for them. They kept me going~

When I am bad at keeping in touch

I have to say that I am not the best at keeping in touch. I am not sure if I am just unconsidered, not thoughtful, or plainly selfish when I come to contacting people whom are close to me,  my family for instance.

I am in college currently and I am taking 17 hours this semester in order to graduate by 2020. It can be challenging when most of the time, I have to admit that school consumed the majority of my thought and energy from the moment I wake up at around 6 am to 8 pm at night. My family, I don’t think they understand that I have classes and having to complete homework. I don’t think they had understand because I am the first in my family to go to college.

My dad would often mentioned that I should call him, but right now, I am not sure why FaceTime isn’t working for me and him. He had answered my call and then it would automatically disconnect after 5 seconds later. You may asked why not just call him, well I could, but I am on a pay-as-you-go phone plan, which is definitely not the best option.

Oh, well, I truly hope they had understand me. I know that they will, but I still can’t help but to express concern about the topic because I did not want them to feel that I don’t care about them. I am at fault and if they are not okay with me, I would have to realize the consequences. I simply have many things going on with the addition of my being unconsidered at keeping in touch.

I am recently dating a guy. This may have contributed to about 5% of me not calling my family.

My being bad at keeping in touch with my family made me realized that I am, indeed, selfish and unconsidered. However, my behavior made wonder about my dating relationship as well because if I couldn’t keep in touch with my family then how am I going to keep in touch with others outside my fam.

I don’t know.

My friend wanted to room with me next semester. However, I think I preferred having no roommate. Why? Well, I like doing my thing, placing stuff where I want, cook smelly, delicious Thai food, listening to my musics without my headphones, and many other things. I will let her know about my honest decision. However, God knows the condition that serves me best whether or not He views having a roommate would be best for me.

I have a physics test tomorrow  morning at 8 am. I studied with my friend, Dylan last night. However, I definitely need to look over the test questions one more time myself and make a notecard. Man, I thank God for my friend, Dylan. This guy is the best teacher I have ever met and super helpful. I have no idea I would met a person like Dylan, an awesome teacher and friend.

I just got a text from him and we are going to study together, which is super duper awesome because I had just finish eating and I was feeling really sleepy and it is close to my bed time. I have hard time staying up once I felt sleepy. But since, I will be studying with my friend, it will definitely help keep me awake to study. I am so excited!

Thank you Jesus for bring kind people into my life. I owe my life to Him, to be under his care, guidance, and vision. Jesus is my rock.

Skate and Friend are FUN

Since I was young, about 6 or 7 years of age, I remembered enjoying rollerskating around the house. It was fun, fast, and required balance.

Today, I went to skate with my sister, who does not really wanted to skate, but she was willing to along side with me. She knows how much I enjoy skating for fun.

The feeling of moving the legs, the farther the feet push against the ground, the faster I move. The feeling of the air brushing through my face. The tightened of my calves in order to move forward and my arms going back and forth to achieve the desire balance, speed, and position. The experience was grand!

Last time I was skating, I got to meet a group of boys that skated really well! They were smooth, fast, and furious (like the title of a movie, Fast and Furious). They made skating looks easy and appealing. They could skate backward and done interesting tricks. They absolutely love to stop abruptly to startle their friends and also love to play tag, you’re it!

So I got a hold of one of the boys in the group, after realizing that he was not a boy, but a young adult because he was three years older than I was. I asked him if he could teach me how to skate backward. He sort of trying to teach me how to do so, but it was actually a 7 years old boy, who could skate so well, that taught and offered me tricks on how to skate backward. He and his dad participated, but I did not achieve the move fully, but was beginning to learn so. It was a good start to my new skating-moves. I would have to say that I had actually improved my backward skating move today. I was sort of understanding about the move, but what I learned today was not to think too deeply about the motion because it made me moved stiffly, but rather to simply not look at my feet and as Nike says, “Just Do It.” So that was what I did, I just do it and the result was better! If I had a chance to skate again, I definitely wanted to improve my speed; I wanted to skate backward faster, because it is where the fun behold! I also will wear something more comfortable. I was wearing a thermal legging underneath my jeans and it was absolutely not the most comfortable to skate wearing such. I preferred wearing a good knee pads, gym shorts, and sport t-shirt while skating.

One highlight of the day was that I met a little girl named Angel and her mom, who has a nickname called Red. Red told me that she did not like the color red even though, some people called her so. I don’t remember how she acquired the name, Red, but it was certainly an interesting name. Angle, on the other hand, is as sweet and nice as her name suggested. She was friendly and helpful as she was trying to make sure I would not fall, even though, she had fallen more than three times herself, while I only fallen once. Oh, little Angel. She was so talkative and gave my sister and I a group hug before Skate World closes.

Another interesting occasion also happened at Skate World today. Even before the winter break started, I had applied to numerous jobs to work at my hometown. I applied for opening positions at a nearby groceries store, fast food restaurants, and to be a barista. I have not hear back from most of them, but for the ones that I wanted to work for such as a job to be a barista and a bagger at a grocery store, I was rejected on all of the positions at a groceries store and I think that I probably will not be getting a job as a barista either, considering the fact that I will only be working for two weeks if hired. The employers highly do not wanted to train someone who only will be working for two weeks!😆 So I think, this reasons heavily influenced why I was not offered a job 😓.

But guessed what! It is also likely that I will be getting a job soon because I went to Skate World today, not planing on getting a job there, but asked two of the employees who worked there, whether they are hiring tight now and both said, “Yes,” so I called the manager, gave him a genuine smile, and asked if he was hiring and he said the same thing and both employees told me. I told him about the 2 weeks working time frame and he was about to give me the results that other employers had previously told me, but I talked my way through until he told me to meet him tomorrow after 2 in the afternoon, and that’s when I knew, I could be getting a two week winter break job like I had hoped.

The only thing right now that would be holding me back from getting the soon to be, hopefully, funnest job I ever will have is that I might not be able to spend time with my lovely little sister, Gift. I love her so much. She makes me laugh. I can probably say that she is my best friend. I thank God for strengthen our relationship because we are getting closer to each other because of his blessings. Anyway, if I were to get this job, which hopefully will allows for me to skate as I had wanted because it is a job we are talking about here ultimately. The main reason why I was interested in the job primarily was that I could skate more; however, it might be such case. But, yeah, if I were to get this job, it would also mean that I will not spend much time with my sister or my dad. There are something that money cannot buy such as time and love. I will ask for God guidance, but I also feel like I sort of already knew the answer and I think that if I were to ask my dad, he would also tell me that it is okay not to work. My sister, on the opposite end, might supports my decision, but I can also see that she did not really want me to work either because she like having me around. It seems to me, right now, that I might not be able to have this job after all and it is not a guarantee that this job will allows for me to skate more either. I will probably be assisting customers and not skating as I wish. 🤔 So yeah.. too bad so sad, no spending money for this winter break. 😤

Before I went to Skate World, I also met up with my good high school friend, Tooba. We chatted at Starbucks, even though she arrived approximately 40 minutes late for our date. I was sort of a little frustrated at the time and considered leaving as I waited for her. I texted her wanting to say something intended to sound unappreciated about the situation, but I did not, because I thought about Jesus. I knew in my heart that Jesus will wanted me to turn the other cheeks. He reminded me of my own mistakes because I had been late in the past as well. He reminded me that we are not perfect, so when we met I greeted her with a hug. She apologized and I can saw how that she was sorry, so I dismissed the mistake. Tooba handed me a gift that she brought with her to  give to me. I was touched and was so glad that I decided on not leaving because that would affected our friendship and great conversations that we were to have. Before, I met Tooba, I had prayed that the Lord would lead the conversations and that he would allow me to be selfless and to have a nice, intimate conversations, that they would flow well, and the Lord saw that the requests were good, so he granted me a great time with my friend, Tooba amongst the aroma of coffee, people waiting for their drink at Starbucks. We had such a great time that I wanted to hangout some more, but we eventually went home because I did not want the drinks that her brother and my sister had asked us to order before we leave to be melted.

Anyway, today was fun and it is getting late, so I am heading to bed. Goodnight!

I couldn’t believe I am feeling this way

I am not sure why, I am feeling this way. I don’t know it is me or her. Well, right now I only will understand my feelings. I have confessed that since I left home after I came to visit my family for the Thanksgiving break, I missed them so much. When I finally arrived back to my apartment and I felt the emptiness of the place and there was no family, not my sister or my dad. I was upset and even more upset now as I am typing, so I finally moved on quickly, didn’t know how I did it, but I simply moved on and didn’t think much about them.

Since, Thanksgiving day, I didn’t really called them either. I didn’t remember trying to call them as much. I knew that my dad would try to FaceTime me, but I didn’t take the call seriously and I didn’t even try to call back. My sister also tried to call me, but I also simply ignored. I think I am starting to taste the medicine.

To be honest, I have always been not good at keeping in touch with anyone. I simply don’t and I think it’s rooted in my selfishness or whatever they may be.

I think, this is God trying to teach me something. I think he’s trying to teach me to care for others. I know that I am selfish, but I also realized that I am very selfish.

Now, I am starting to feel sort of neglected by my sister whom I have not been thinking much of. I am starting to realized that she did missed me, but I right now I think I am sort of unintentionally pushing her away, pushing my family away and not considered. All those FaceTime called that I missed and did not attempted to call back. I must tell them and addressed it to them, because it is uncaring and selfish. I am not sure how to feel right now. I honesty am don’t know.  I feel awful, and wronged against them.

I have not been good with any of them, uncaringly. I simply do my own thing and did not pay much attention to them.

I think I must try now. I cannot expected a plant to grow beautifully on their own. I must also do the work, such as watering, giving it nutrients, pruning it, loving it, and caring for it.

Jesus please helps me as I will not be able to achieve this on my own. I am selfish, prideful, and uncaring or inconsiderate of others. Please help me see the thing that I have been blind to, please help me open my eyes O, God.

Jesus, I asked of you to help me strengthen my relationship with my family and relatives through your power and love. Please show me how to love them and be selfless when I am with them, O God.

Jesus, please help me, please help me.