Well well it is the Class of 2020

Well well, I am back at it again for another doodling project of mine. The fun and it was always part of the unplanned because I write whenever I feel “things.” I write because I want to let my feelings out. I don’t know if I am a feeling kind of person necessarily, but if I think hard enough, my actions were driven by how I feel. I don’t really plan things. I hardly do. It is a moment sort of thing. I do plan sometimes, but I certainly did not plan on writing about my graduation! And that I am indeed part of the Class of 2020! The corona, the almost going to war, the crazy Trump presidency, I mean lots of things had happened and still is happening like the Covid-19. Needless to say, I am feeling the celebration.

It is weird that I didn’t actually want to celebrate, like I couldn’t careless about graduation celebration ABCD. One, I don’t feel important. Two, I don’t like that graduation symbolizes success crap. Three, I don’t have three. But I honestly have a mixed feeling when it comes to graduation. I think it is cliche and too inside the box. Like everyone had to do the same thing. Isn’t it repetitive, yeah. I don’t know I feel like a party pooper, but I only like graduation probably only for the inspirational speech and people decided to goof off when they walk on stage, that’s it.

I have a mixed feeling because, I mean you hear people say this all the time, but it does feel weird to go into the “real” world as if you living isn’t real enough. I guess a more descriptive way of explaining is the fear of the unknown. Think about it, most of you and me, we were in school for how many years already, 20 for me. I started school at maybe 2 or 3. Crazy right. Like we’re used to the system and surrounding. The basic waiting and waiting for everything. We hardly ever have to start anything ourselves. We were told what to do and now who is going to tell us. We have to leave and bye bye. You do not belong here anymore. I am having a crazy stomach feeling as I am typing this. If I am correct, it is the feeling of nervousness. I am used to the system. I am sad. I think that’s why I was feeling meh about this whole thing. It is kind of scary and I didn’t think I was going to feel this way. It is a moment thing. I feel this way right now but I will feel better later; by the time I finish writing. I remembered always wanting to leave pre-school whenever I arrived there. I didn’t like that place but what’s funny is that I am kind of half hearted feeling that way right now just the opposite. I am not sure what I am feeling weird about. I think I might know, may be it is feeling of the “I could have” sort of idea, like the feeling that I can’t take any of it back, because it flew by and you just missed it until you realized when it is too late. It is like the feeling that you didn’t know what you have until it’s gone. It is the feeling of regret and that is not the feeling I particularly enjoyed. It is the worse feeling in the world. The question is what am I regretting about. Is it not getting drunk, is it not partying, is not not smoking weed, is it not knowing what else I could have’s. Is it not studying enough for exams when I know I could do better? I think I fear of not living to the fullest. I fear I wasted it something; time, moment, opportunity, relationship, idk. I fear that, no matter what it had be. It is funny because when I graduated from high school, my church teacher gave me a book called “How to Not Waste Your Life,” isn’t ironic. I feel like it didn’t reap the experience well enough, I fear losing. I fear what I can’t take back. It is weird, but that’s how I feel. I do want to go back, actually no I can’t go back. It is impossible, from what I know there is no such thing as a time machine. It is only in movies. I hear people say all the time that the past makes up who you are and yes, I have to agree to that and stick to it; believe that it is true. I do fear change. I am scare of not making the past pretty enough for my best work. Like I am doom because my past was not the best I can do. I think these feelings are; I don’t know if it is normal.. I am sure I am not the only one experiencing this crisis ever in the world. I tried to look on the bright side to everything. I do. Life is too short to be miserable. I am grateful up until this point actually. I feel lucky a lot and I had to fight for things and things just does not come to me I have to work for it. No matter what they are I have to work at it. I mean God helped shape me too and I owed that to Him. He is my comforter. He is the one that brought all the people I’ve met.

I have to say that more than anything I am grateful and that is the IT word. I just am. For everything. For what I have, eat, sleep on, type on, play game on, talk to people on, FaceTime my dad, mom, drive, ride, cook, bake, grill, clean, wash…

I just am glad to exist and living, but it is time to actually Live, to feel alive to love and to laugh.

Mindset: Unlocking Its Power

The power of the mind and our thinking is such a powerful thing. We can set our mind to create, destroy, or simply do nothing. We can use it to process, change, or hinder. Our fights are with our mind. Ego, selfishness, power, etc. Everything begins and end with our mind.

It seems to me that most of us want the goods: free schooling, healthcare, public transportations, better environment to name the fews. But want them, but how we get them is what makes our topic of discussion quite interesting. This is when the power of the mind and where we place our focus are a hurdle or paths to a better future.

I am taking one of the honors class about the City. Particularly, our focus on the class is about our city (the city I live in now and studying), but we definitely talk a lot of other cities as well. Today has so far been the day that I was truly inspired by the class lecture. One of my note wrote “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” Life is this case, my professor wrote as:

Life = Healthcare

Liberty  = Opportunity —> Transportation

Pursuit of Happiness = Education

Healthcare, transportation, and education exist in America, but it could be better. Everything could be better as long as we live and exist. We thrive on evolving, on changing, adapting, on evolution. It is a no-stop process. We went from a horse buggy to a flying vehicle. We went from slavery to freedom. Yet, are we truly free. Do we truly escape our own chains and limitation that is rooted in our mind; that lives inside us. Are we free from ourselves, from our own hinder, and capped.

As human, we fear change. We are in fear of the unknown, whether that be relationship, applying for a new position, moving to a different city, studying abroad, aging, doctor’s visit, faith, etc.

We can often time live in fear that hinder us more and more to stagnation to where we just stay where we mostly feel comfortable and not wanting to embrace the unknown. As long as the enemy make us stay stagnant, it’s winning. Not doing anything can be equally as destruction. Didn’t vote doesn’t mean you’re not doing any harm. 92 millions American did not participate in voting. Wealth distribution in America is far beyond from our expectation or reality.

The point of this writing is to inspire us for CHANGE. Because regardless of any changes, we often fear that change will be worse, well, not doing anything, in fact, is equally destructive. Change = unknown result to the change. But if we don’t change then we don’t know and if we don’t know it is stagnation and stagnation = destruction.

To change is to overcoming our fear–it is to liberate.


It is a little disturbing to having been involved with someone who seem (in my opinion) stuck in negative mindset. It is like anything they’ve experience seem to be bringing them misfortune, misery, complaints, or struggles, when in fact, it doesn’t have to be that way. And what seems to be weirder is that I see that they can get out of it; that they can change. They, themselves, may not necessarily see it at the moment. I don’t when or how they will emerged from that things in their live that constantly made them struggle. All I can do is to learn from them, pray for them, and be there fore them when God allows me to–when opportunity arises. Is it a burden to be there for them, in a sense, the answer is yes and no. No, meaning I like to help, but the extend of my help is not only up to me. A lot of the heavy lifting have to and only will come from them to want to change and ask God to help changing it. Yes, it can be a burden, in which my emotion has worry is potentially involved. But what I can control is to not let myself be too emotionally involved, not in a selfish way, but to always help him without expect anything in return. To help him with a light heart. To help him as one human-being who see their potential and as someone who wishes them well. To view of it in this way is be pure in my intention. To let go and forgive. It is to be patience and to have humility. To love and not expecting any in return. To love unconditionally.

If only. Even though, I am certainly not in his life no longer. And it sometimes could be bring me a little pain to be around the person. This is where a little conflict arises. At the same time going back to self can be the answer as well as listening to God. He knows my heart, soul, mind, weakness, and strength. Right now, all I could do is heal and it is a beautiful process. Heal to where He knows I am equipped and protected. Right now what I can do is to pray, perhaps checking on him from time to time if need be. But I’ve also got to perhaps make sure that I would only check on him when I am in a good place to help. Because I don’t think I can be of the best help when I am also battling my own battle. It only makes sense of me to put on the oxygen mask first then extend it to those around me.


Nevertheless, trusting in God has processing me into a direction and mindset that He intended. The weight and struggle begins to subside, the cloud lifted, and sunshine peaked-in. There is no greater love than thee.

Self-Awareness

I starting to realize why I don’t want to be in relationship.

  1. The guy has to be worth it
  2. I must be able to express myself and be truthful, not only to the other person, but also to myself
  3. I need to not be self-fish and be overly sensitive
  4. Be able to tell or regulate why a certain things is bothering me
  5. If it bothers me, I must be able to internalize whether it is reasonable to discuss to the person or I can rationalize it and overcome the concern

So, this is a few things I am able to sort of conclude. Hoping for many mores and for a good semester! Thank God for the wisdom he has given me.

Fear of Commitment (aka fear of being hurt)

I sometimes wonder whether I actually have a fear of commitment aka a fear of being disappointed/getting hurt. I have it to some degree, I think we all do, only to which extent.

How do we deal with it?

  1. To acknowledge the risks
  2. To view the risks with positivity* even if it may seems counterinutitive
  3. To view life as learning and growing experience