Missing

It was a 3 months time together. It was not that long, at all. Other couples were together for 6 months and this couples (my roommate) already forgotten her boyfriend in 3 weeks. Wow to that. I am still sort of thinking about mine. I am not sure why. I just am. Well, it will be better eventually, meaning I wont think about it and that little things wouldn’t remind anything. Today, I went to saw the incredible 2 and a scene in the movie reminded me of the 3 months and at the end of the movie, it has the name of the 3 months. Wow, how cool. What a coincidence. Honestly, I know time will eventually help. It didn’t help when I found out I got a bad grade on my midterm. I am bummed really bummed…

Anyway, it is interesting how I am still thinking about the 3 months. It was not at all that long. But it did made me learned lessons and made me happy as well as anxious. I have problem with commitment. It feels sort of helpless and restricted, which I don’t like. I absolutely don’t like having to depend on something. More importantly being vulnerable and getting hurt. I think it partially have to do with my pride and childhood. My childhood isn’t like crazy or scary. My parents didn’t get a divorce and I was not living with a nanny. It just that I don’t like when my parents (mostly my dad) left me to go somewhere (I think he went to his friend’s house). It felt like it at the time, to be left. I am stubborn as well. I was angry and hurt. I think at that moment, I lost my trust in him. I have my walls up. I simply was not secure, so decided that I don’t need him. I worry and wanted things my way. I have my pride as well in order to protect against being hurt. Therefore, when it comes to having a relationship, it will takes me awhile to let loose. I may seem like I am having a good time, but it will takes time for me to trust anyone. It wont be easy. I am not easy. Therefore, they need to be my friend first and know my flaws. I have many. God knows. He knows my wall, my pride and my self-centeredness. I built them for my own protection. Some may asked, just reduce the wall, just let loose. Well, I am not sure exactly about the process.

There is a self-fullfilling prophecy, which is when a person become or live-up to what they believe about themselves because someone expected them to be a certain way or they believe it themselves.

Anyway, I should not dwell on the 3 months. I have high expectation. It is somewhat true that a girl look for someone to be like their dad. I think it is somewhat true in my case. My dad is considerate. He helps me and see the little things to help me. It doesn’t have to be big. He doesn’t buy me expensive stuff, but he would cook and help me carry stuff. I feel care for by my dad, so the potential person, at least must have this attribute. I have my standard and I think it is better to find that person and if not somewhat then perhaps it is better off to simply be by myself. The relationship should enhance both of our lives. Anyway, I am not sure why I am still thinking about this person. At least I know that I can like someone 🙂 I want someone who loves God.

Anyway, writing about this helps in a sense that I bringing out what I am feeling… Human feelings are honest. It is true and I shouldn’t feel like it is embarrassing or prideful enough to discuss the weaker side of things.

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