I did it

So, finally, after quite some time of deliberating what to do, I finally did it. I sort of faced my fear. I know for sure that I still, in fact, like him, because I cannot stop thinking about him. It is hard for me to admit it, but it’s true. So what I did was I asked to meet up. He showed up and I can’t contain myself but had to tell him that. There is perhaps some part of me that is still withholding some of the things I am feeling, but at least I am facing something unknown. I try to think positive and to not worry. I still strongly believe that a relationship is suppose to help you grow. Therefore, it is healthy.

The last thing I want is to not worry him about stuff. It would break my heart to know that I am doing that. Hopefully, thing can simply be casual and natural. Do not settle is the word that will be my motto.

I wish this friendship the best if I think of him as a friend then, it’s much easier for me because I do expect a lot of things. Therefore, we should take it slow like really slow.

How do I feel about him? I like him. He’s interesting, can be weird sometimes, but overall interesting. He is nice, however, I really wanted to take it slow. I will not rush into anything. This is something to definitely be aware.

Dear God, I wanted this relationship to be focus on you, even though, he is not there with me. Regardless of such, I know where my eyes should be focusing. I must focus only on you. Help me God. I prayed for self-control and intersection with him with a lot of people.

If I were to tell this to anyone, they must think I am mad. What is a purpose of living? No, no, I am not thinking short. It is just that I don’t understand the world we live in. Today, I am questioning my purpose? What if I become homeless? Living in the jungle? Is my purpose to please my family? To wish them well. My dad brought me here for a better life? I guessed so. Is it? It must have been. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made the decision?

Get education

Get a job

Work

Get marry

Have children

Live

Raise children

Pass on the genes

Live

Try to raise them well

Selfishness

Cycle

Eat

Quietness

What is our purpose?

What gives us our purpose?

Dear God, I must have forgotten my purpose of my I am on this earth.

I am cynical and skeptical. I demand questions. I watch a tv and starting to question.

If I were to tell this to my dad, he would simply laughed it off. If I tell this to my sister she would do the same and if I tell this to my mom, so would she too act the same.

That’s why I write it here. No feedback. Just me. What is the purpose of living? To be happy? I suppose.

I don’t understand.

If I were to say this thought to anyone, they must think I am crazy and is thinking short. But I am asking a question. I am not sure if I demand an answer.  I am saying what is the point when I am not happy.

My Daily Devotion

My Today’s Daily Devotion contains a great and thought provoking message for us/me to be our our authentic self. It gave an example of how God doesn’t look at us in the mirror and wish that he sees someone else. This is powerful. We/I ought to be pursuing God in order for us to be transform by Him because He progressively helps us be the best version of ourselves, someone who we ought to be and  perhaps are already are, just not realized it. We may hinder ourselves from being someone God knows is true and genuine. He calls us to be someone He knows we are.

Today, as I played badminton, there are things I regretted and wish I had done differently. However, I cannot dwelled on the thing regretted because that is leading to negative thought.

Next time, I would definitely be competitive and encouraging. I will be more kind and have compassion. But when it’s game time, I ought to do my best, to set my mind not on beating the other person to pieces, but to play fair and kind. Winning has different form. I can win a game and feel really good about the game or win a game, but not as good. This is where mindset comes in and in any sports, it is a mind game.

How do some players manages to win more than lost. Wow, practice, of course, because practice provide the player sense of confidence. “I have worked really hard and I ought to show what I have been doing all these time to prepare for this match.”

Relating back to the MCAT, practicing it will provide the confidence for the test.

We perform our best when we believe we can accomplish the task–when we believe in ourselves. Sometimes, having someone believing in us contributed to some, however, definitely not all. We just ought to be the one to believe, we can do it.

Well, how to gain it, practice. Seek. Not be lazy. Be kind. Be humble. and have humility.

It has been awhile…

Honestly, it has been awhile since I write a blog. Many thing obviously had been going on, but perhaps not as significant or trigering enough for me to capture it. Perhaps, it was just me not realizing the hobby that is beautiful and important. By expressing my thought, the process is significant and reflect many characters. Anyway, writing is certainly a way to reflect and relieve, the inner thought and the piece of mind. The beauty of our mind, how it thinks, and act. I know for sure that sometimes, I am not sure why my mind think or assume a certain way. Honestly, I have no idea why I thinks the way I thinks. Perhaps it is rooted in the childhood of how one’s experience shapes the inner thoughts, decisions and processes.

Anyway, today, something significant had happened. Well, a guy said that he thinks I am cute, which is certainly interesting. Honestly, it is certainly intriguing of why we choose to like what we like.

With S., I am not sure to which extent I like him and honestly, I don’t know if the relationship will last. I am not sure if I had find the right one, how am I suppose to know. One minutes, one second, with a blink of an eye? I have been with him for 3 months, well, long enough, however, also not long enough. I like being with him, I do, however, when he came over, I have to confess, I cannot sleep well, which reflects that I am not yet myself, somehow. I don’t know, someone had told me that you know you found the right person when you can fart around them and be your complete self. I am not sure if I can be such with him.

Sometimes, I wonder if the differences in culture, faith, and other factors contributed to my not being able to feel as connected with S. But, I do like him, but to which extent and how do I know for sure. Time? I don’t know if this will last. I am not certain, even though, I wanted to know, however, it is not in my vision, but of God’s. There are things I like about S. and there are also things I am unsure of.

He seems to like me though, however, I am not sure if his maturity and sense matches mine. Perhaps, it doesn’t have to be, I just have to like the other person a whole lot, which I am not sure, if I had ever like anyone a whole lot in the past. I know I like my sister, my mom, and dad, which is mostly normal.

Will I ever going to like someone so much that I can give them anything? Sometimes, I don’t know if I am simply selfish or what, or perhaps I just haven’t found the right person, and why am I doubting myself, my feelings?

I am not sure. Our thoughts are complicated, certainly mine.

One thing for sure is, who will I…. that’s certainly too early to think, perhaps because I am on my period and my hormones are disintegrated, which should all be blamed towards.

Anyway, I cooked today and it was fun. It is relaxing and certainly made me proud.

One thing for sure is that I must look and find my satisfaction in the Word of God and not of man. Since, I have a bf, sometimes, it led me astray in term of where I find my satisfaction. I do not want that to happened because man cannot full-filled me, but only my God cans. He is my fountain. It is important that I seek God above all things, because through Him, all things and everything will be provide.

Okay, so Pradip came into my thought. Now this person named Pradip, certainly interested me. He is an interning guy, especially the way he thinks, interprets, and concludes. I have never met anyone who thinks and analyzes somethings like Pradip. Now this guy is so nice that he sent scholarship information to me. How cool is Pradip. I appreciate him and he is on my mind. Now, this makes me think that I would choose to date or marry someone not because of look or fortune, but of who they are and the quality they possess.

S. is patience with me and simply allow me to do things, he does not criticized me.

This made me question of what do I look for in a guy, this experience taught me something I wouldn’t have known otherwise. It is hard to pinpoint what I look for in a guy, however, I know that I must thrust in the Lord more because if I were to relied on my own thing, I would gone astray close to insanity, but if I were to relied on the Word of God then it is excellency.

I think the reason why I have to see S. to be fulfilled is because he doesn’t satisfy me all throughout, which I am not sure why, but certainly makes sense biblically. However, whenever I am with my parents, I am very much so happy, content, and comfortable.

I am getting very sleepy. I haven’t wash my dishes or shower, and I have to wake up to do my work tomorrow. Goodnight, it has been great to be reminded to write a blog.

To be honest…

I am not sure what I want, I think I know what I want, but then, there are times when my interest switches. I think I wanted to be a doctor, it has pretty much been this career. Maybe my dad place this idea on me as a young child and it has been on my mind ever since. Or maybe I do truly wanted to be a doctor even before he suggested to me. I don’t know.

You know what kind of life I had the idea of wanting to live? A life simply doing what I want, why can’t I just do that then if I lose interest in that one particular thing, then most likely there is something else I wanted to pursue. I hardly met anybody with 2 or 3 jobs. A doctor, but also an architect and an artitst. A doctor and an entrepreneur, who own a business like a little shop. Okay, these type of people do exist, of course. It seems like once you are a doctor, that is most likely your one and only job.

Being an architect has been a dream of mine, since little. I like to build and create thing with my own hand. I thought I wanted to be a surgeon, a general surgeon. One because of the stability—I suppose, the salary, reputation, respect, and credential. The helping aspect also attracts me, a job or I had say career with purpose of healing. It seems like a job that is very much so hands on, which I like.

Now back to being an architecture thing, the job seems really cool as well, building, making model, artistic, but it seems as if there is not a high demand in the market, which I should be smart about…?

I recently dated a guy, but I kept having this thought of lowering our status to being good friend. We first met at a tutoring center, then we met again on the same day at our school movie theater. Then we met again later twice in a different SI session, which is a peer-led classes for physics. I don’t think I like him as my boyfriend. I like him more of a friend and maybe when we started talking, I am just or perhaps may appear to be quite friendly or flirty? So this may gave him the impression of me liking him. I don’t think I like him that way.

Now this made me questioned whether I can actually like someone like that, lol. I don’t know. My friend, Khahn told me that once you find someone you truly like, you will know. I am not sure how that work, honestly. How can you just know with a blink of an eye? I pretty sure now than ever that I wanted to be just friend with him and I think I am going to tell him once he got back from spring break. Seriously, he included many things about the future with me. He talked about traveling, taking pictures together, etc. He is sweet and genuine; a good human-being.

Honestly, I don’t think he like me like that either, but since we’re each other first girlfriend and boyfriend for about 2 weeks that is why both of us may seem to be curious of how this will turn or how this dating thing really works. At this point, if he were to find another girl (beside me) I would be happy for him since he is a nice person. I honestly know that I wanted a friend more than boyfriend and I will let him know that.

Back to life, I don’t know if it is okay. I am sure it is— to live life doing what I love and then switches when I am bore or find something else more interested in doing. I want to live like that. Pick something I want to do, then once I get there, realize that it is not truly what I want then switch to do something else. There is no rule to living. Who set a right or wrong way to live, simply do what you want, yeah? Just do what bring happiness. Can I live like that? Drop out of college to pursue art school or whatever it may be. Live life, have God as my Rock, and do what I pleases that of course align with God’s plan and to rely on His help.

Live life doing what you love and if you find something else you like more then do that. No boundary.

Which is why being kid was fun, we live doing what we love, but we sort of lose that trying to do the thing that fit the standard that isn’t truly our own. Why do we have to lose the fun as an adult, why. We can still do the things that we love, whatever we want that is good that bring us happiness. I am not talking about go to party and being wasted or steal, but good thing that bring us true happiness. Because, really once the party is over, getting that headache, or being caught, the fun in that did not lasted, it quickly ran out—they don’t bring us true happiness.

God wanted to tell me these things. I think I can live life however as long as I have and continue to trust Him. He knows everything.

Now, though, what is it that I want to do? Write a book, learn metal jewelry art, get an A in all my classes? These are my lists so far. Go to the park, sit at a coffee shop doing homework, call my parents, shower, do number 2, wash the dishes, travel, shadow a doctor and sometimes a nurse, a dentist, live life, live life, live life, doing what you love, pursue your dream, living it, making it real, put in the work, be happy doing it.