All-or-Nothing

It seems like I started training for a company as a host starting July 20th and a week after that on Saturday, I started training for another company as well. I dint not expected to have conflicts. I obviously did not foresee events that deviated from my expectation. Obviously, I underestimate my second job. I work early in the morning, which are earlier than most people. Anyhow, I can honestly say that I really want to work at a certain station at my second job. I also learned that I need a very defined work task as I am more inflexible than not having to do things in a whims. And a lot of this discontentment also contributed to being new for the job as well. If I was not as new, I would know everything that I needed to know and not overthinking as much about what I should or should not do. I am a hard worker, but I do want to feel like I am doing a good job and that I was at least being appreciated. I want a job that I don’t hate. I want to be able to be myself, get along with coworkers, and BOSSES. Also, a job that makes me grow. Well, more importantly, a job that I feels they put my skills that I have to good used but at the same time develop what could be improved. So far I cannot honestly say that I am having fun at either of my jobs (with being so new). They are jobs that I haven’t quite been excited about. Maybe I have problems. May be it is me being complicated and choosey on what I have to do. Anyhow, I drafted this blog when I had started working probably about 3 weeks in. Today is Aug. 30 on a Sunday. And before last week starting Monday. I had worked my courage up to discuss how I feel with my early morning job with the manager. After “the talk” things really improved and I gave all the lord to God for helping me along the way—guiding me and for never left me. He is always there. Always. Anyhow, Tuesday afternoon was when I decided to talk to my manager about how I feel everything. Since then, I’m repeating myself, but I felt like how I feel really got better. Anyhow, I hope to be a better worker. And to be honest, partly was because I was new (I still am) but I was definitely not as new as 4 weeks ago, so that was something to be rejoicing about. I was new and inexperienced with working in a fast paced, high efficiency environment. Also as working different bosses and having a head boss that I couldn’t be myself around. A boss I felt was nitpicking me and doesn’t know their tone of voice when speaking. But I confronted her and things got better. My next goal at this job is work on bar. And also trying focus and be efficient. Anyhow, I’m learning a lot. And just like “most” things, they will get better with times because things will get better if they are in the things we hope to be better and working towards that goal. I learn wha thins of a leader I want to be. I learn to improve (hopefully) my tone of voice. I learn to work hard. I learn to speak to customers. I learn more about myself not being at home and sleeping or eating or watching YouTube. And with that being say, I’m grateful, very grateful for the opportunity to grow and experience this season of life. And I tend to use the word “very” very carefully. I don’t just say “very” with just anything. It really has to really be it to be “very” something. I learn that I’m not always going to get along with everyone. But I still need to COMMUNICATE with them. I learn that I dislike people telling me what to do or not noticing that I am doing my best. I also realized that when they give me feedback, it has to come from a place of sensitivity and without frustrations. Because I can quickly feel like you’re criticizing and belittling me or nitpicking only by how they use their choice of words or the tone of voice. These that I mentioned could, and I say could, make me feel a certain way. I also learn to not take things personally, which I usually don’t if I’m being honest until it acutely get personal then I will become very unhappy. I can only hold so much until I will begin to feel frustration, and just boil water—passive aggressiveness. And I should not let myself get there, because i honestly make me uncomfortable and heavy. Not good feelings. I like to be logical but I do have emotions. I want my logic to rule most of me, because I know I need to use it when I know I usually will have emotions. I try to be logical but sometimes it backfire on me as well. I try to be emotional but in a good state and logical on a good state as well. So yea, I’m learning to balance both. And simply be pick and choose when I use the logical vs the emotional card. I need to use both to be effective and to be true to myself. Love myself, don’t neglect myself, how I feel and respect myself more. I also need to not let anyone push my around like they can do or say whatever they want to say to me so our considering what comes out of their mouths or attitudes. I’m learning to respect myself more because if not I learn that people with power over cross my boundary and quickly hurt me feelings. So I need to set myself and my tone for them to know exactly where they can and cannot crosses. I sometimes think I’m too agreeable to a fault. I need to speak up for myself when necessary without being rude or hurtful. I also learn to let other knows they they shouldn’t and shouldn’t be taking advantage of me or my kindness. I also learn to listen better (hopefully). I’m tired now, so goodnight.

Why some doesn’t find true love

No wonder why some people are single or had relationship after relationships where led again to singleness. These are my experiences with online dating and this is just personal because obviously has everyone have different experiences. I found it to be mostly bad than good and it took a good God’s guidance to eventually get there. I found out that a “swipe right” on someone work as an ego boost to them. There are some don’t get me wrong that are looking for a genuine connection with someone, but the ones I found were plain poopy inside in. I know that I enjoy partnership with someone and I prefer a good guy that could make me trust him and not questioning his intentions. I met, again, poopy guys in the past. The fact that I feel the way I am feeling now, sort of tricker the bad experiences I had with people. Also, something about me just doesn’t want to date good guys. There are some out there that are interested and we get along well, but something about me was not and is not interested. May be I have a codependency problem I don’y know. I am already skeptical about the opposite gender I share the world with and experiencing this negative experiences again and again make it really dull. I think I am going to quite online dating for good because I bring me miserable and quick enjoyment that didn’t last. I know that I would only talk to someone with good looks, but this online experiences also taught me to still be shallow. Again I don’t think I can date anyone who I don’t find attractive. Anyhow, right now God is telling me that this is not your time, you need to wait, and that I have better plans for you. I not at all a perfect Christian, but God is perfect and He does look out for me when I about to be in real danger. I pray for a good, handsome, and tall guy God. The one that loves you just as much if not more than you. I think negatively about guys and usually if I have some hunches about someone, God gives me this intuition to decipher what is right about someone. I have this in me, I just need to use it often. There are many guys out there whose intention is pure evil and selfish. I can name a lot of them, but I won’t. Anyhow I thank God for saving me once again from a predator and false desire.

This experience also makes me realize how broken people are in this world. These people lack the love and promises that God offers to them. They are searching for a quick fix, ego booster instead of facing right in with their problems of insecurity, loneliness, and being lost.

Often time when I am with the wrong type of people, it makes me question and value myself in the process that there are something wrong with me. I started to doubt myself and lost myself when I know who I am but still less than how God knows me. I started to feel all these down, negative feeling such as I have walls up, I this I that. And guess what, the problem isn’t me, it wasn’t, but the situation I am in right now is the problem. This is how naive I am at times. I quick to see flaws in myself better than at others and their problems quickly became mine and it makes me feel trouble, bother, restless, and insecure. This is guy Christ teaches his follower to date someone with the same yoke. I learn this again and again, times after times, not to do this, yet I did not obey God’s plan. There are many evils out there and God tries to keep me way from them. Thank you, Jesus for saving me times after times from evil and temptation.

I now learn that when I don’t trust someone, there is usually a reason if not more reasons. This is a lesson learned and I did gain because of God’s grace and love. Jesus, thank you fro giving me this wisdom to learn more about myself. You are truly awesome. I prayed that my two jobs I hope I acquire works out within your plan for me and if they are not for me I will not pushed it. Guide me, oh Lord. You’re beautiful and perfect. I am not beautiful or perfect but I serve the one who does always.

This is all that I have to say today. Another lesson learned. God just kind of making obey what He commands for me to be. I seem to be tempted in this area of life, he knows I want a connection, a partnership. But he simply said, not now and not with this person or people. He truly wants the best for me in his plan. God whenever I am about to dwelt into my brokenness, you fills me in. Another lesson I have learned is to actually listen to what I am saying and often time it is not always clear. My feeling is not transparent, but God knows my trouble and short coming and will rescue me from my brokenness.

If you happen to stumble across my blog, I hope that you learn something from me. I am growing everyday. I am learning everyday. I learn to trust myself more and more. I know that I am flirty most of the time without a serious intention. I am being flirty is not what’s wrong, but I was being flirty with the wrong type of people that’s all. When it comes to someone I see as prize, I was quite reserve and quiet.

People comes and goes in life, but God stays the same. Anyhow I lost track with what I was trying to say to my reader if I even have any. I wanted them to know that God loves you and He wants the best for you in every possible question. He knows you are not perfect but it is important to put him first in your life, so all good things will come from him to you without delaying. He knows when the time is ready for you whether that be the job you dreamed of or your spouses. Remember to trust him so He will provide. Thank Him and Pray to him often. The world is broken everyday, but God isn’t. He is perfect and full of love.

Goodnight.

Actually, I forget to address why some people doesn’t find true love on online dating or just dating in general. It is because they do not have good intentions for dating to begin with, They view love selfishly and honestly quite disgusting. These people may have experienced disappointment in the past and they perhaps hold on to the resentment and further cause damaged to their body, mind, and soul. They fall into this dark hole and feed on this dark desires that are not meant to allow them to see the night of sky or light. They fallen and serving the wrong god. This is why they will never found true love because they fail to realize where true love comes from and true loves come from God and God only. It is the kind of love that gives unselfishly and unconditionally. I am not sure if I could also say the love from a parent, but I doubt our patents have flaws too thus might not make their love in the most purest form. Yet, their love is still greater than most love by human beings. True love only comes from God and He gives generously, without fail. You just have to be willing to receive and work to keep it. This is how you find true love my friend, and I am friend with myself too. Seek Him to find your true love.

Remember this feeling

Remember this feeling you have right now. When you are going. When you keep going. When you’re getting better, stronger. When know you’re doing better. When you’re pushing through. When you’re happy the fire is burning. When you starting to feel hopeful. When you starting to love yourself. When you’re growing. God has a plan. He always does. Things that happened to you, through it, He remains unchanged, faithful, and awesome. You’re in good hands. He loves you so so much to sent His Son to die for you on the cross, so that you can be redeemed and made known to Him. God is love. He is love and you’re loved by Him. When you’re o.k, this is more than enough. Know that things happened for a reason. It does. Trust in the process. Don’t force the outcome. And always gives thanks to God. Thank Him for the provision He has and His goodness.

If you forget, come back to this message and remind yourself times-and-times again until it’s nailed to you. Love yourself. God is love. Love yourself well in the process and don’t forget to love others too.

What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.

11%

“Only 11% women know this” was the caption of a video I recently watched and I honestly felt resonated with the message.

I don’t know if this is an earthly message or what, but how I see the role or a picture of a husband and a wife is an image of two strong individual standing next to each other.

I, sometimes, heard that a great woman supports her man and amplify his ability to take care of her and family.

I know that my role as a potential wife is to love, encourage, and support my husband in what ever he does. I also know that if I make him happy, he, too, will make me happy in return. It goes both way.

As a man, I look for someone who will serve me–emotionally and physically. Of course, for the all things I expected to receive, I will also give.

The marriage that I see something very beautiful. If God truly blesses the relationship then it’s going to be amazing and wonderful.

Once I learn that giving the right way is when I do so in the name and glory of God.

Everything is going to be ok. When a man doesn’t care for you, examine how you’ve care for him in your own life and if that doesn’t being reciprocated then it’s time you walk away.

Life, Love, and Pain

The beauty of life is perhaps the unknown. It’s the not knowing.

Often time life is not planed. Unexpected. It’s something beautiful and interesting.

I rushed in it for perhaps the instant gratification. I don’t know. But is that a wrong start.

I met Chad Evans at the lab that I worked. Right away, he was attractive. Tall, clean. He was handsome. But there is something off about him. His posture. His sense of self. Something wasn’t quite right. Over time I got to know him, he helped tutored me. I started to like him. Pretty fast, but I still don’t know if it’s long term. The pace of our relationships was fast. We basically began to live together. Cook together. Do almost everything together in our apartment.

We didn’t quite go outside much. Because he doesn’t particularly liked it. I was ok in the beginning, but over time I began to want to do more things outside of our regular routine.

There were perhaps differences we starting to see in each other.

I like him. I still do. I’m still attracted to him. His smell, his face, and his hair. It’s quite superficial. But I am attracted.

Overtime I started to notice qualities, in which, he has that I am not particularly fond or a fan of.

He can get really upset, easily frustrated.

He doesn’t like to go out as much, which was also another source of frustration.

We don’t agree on something. Choice of food etc.

I like hugging, kissing, and making out with him. But beyond that I don’t know if there is more to the physical attraction.

I want someone who would protect me. I can protect myself, it’s just having someone who I knew, would, is comforting.

I want someone who I can laugh with a lot.

I want someone who love God just as much as or more than I do.

Chad is someone I don’t know the answer to quite yet. I don’t want him to be something that I hold on to. I want to see if I can enjoy doing things with.

I enjoy cooking with him. I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy doing indoor things with him.

I also wanted to enjoy doing outdoor things with him.

Beside our problems, I wonder what else we could talk about. I wonder what are the depth of our conversation. Is there any?

I wondered what else we could talked about. Perhaps going to places such as hiking could let us know more about each other. Can we enjoy spending time with each other or do we just wanted to leave.

How our dates go? What does it feels like.

Of course how do I feel.

What do I want?

Am I happy?

What do I see in him?

Do I like him or do I like having him or do I like the relationship or do I not wanting to be alone

He felt restricted. He said to tone it down. I can tone it down, but do we have the thing I’ve been searching for. If we don’t then, perhaps maybe I’m reaching my conclusion.

Perhaps this will the lessons I will learn a lot. Lessons of the life time. Lessons God had given to me to figure out. Lessons He knew I would benefited. Lessons in which I learn.

Lessons of weighting, balancing, being happy on my own. Lessons of communication. Lesson of liking a guy in the unknown.

What I learned/ing Today

It is fascinating that one class has allowed me to think and I really mean Think. I came to a class with an expectation that it will be interesting as I have also heard from my friend, Tooba that biomedical ethics was a class she has found to be interesting. I came to the class with a positive mindset about it and as the course went on (today is our day 3) it has  struck me that wow, it makes me think. Okay, so you get the point that this class unlocked my thinking power whereas I might have been too lazy to think or to simply say, “oh well,” and did not care much less.

I am not sure if with the combination of the lack of sleep, which has heavily take part in that I am a little (or more) all over the place. I like to evaluate. I evaluate my past relationship, the topics of discussion happened today during class, etc. I evaluate pattern and behavior–this is possibly the way I am.

I am simply glad that I was partially set myself up to take this course, perhaps unconsciously or subconsciously that I had planed on taking it. I was hesitate whether or not to take this course in the beginning, and had thought of dropping it, however, if I were to drop the course, it will show on my transcript as a withdraw, which I didn’t want an unnecessarily withdrawal. Additionally, I wouldn’t be able to get a single refund for the tuition, so I continue on with the class. The main reason for hesitating whether to take the course was mostly has to do with the amount tuition, however, my conscious perhaps subconscious lead me to take the course.

My time management have got to improve.

Sometimes, it is important to do what is best for yourself first in a context, this may sounds selfish, however, take this instances for example, my friend asked if I had wanted to play tennis today at 5:30, well, I do, I really do want to play, but I know that I am tired and needed rest. I also got homework that also needs to be done. If I were to think that well,  I should play anyway because this friend, after all is a nice guy and that he invited me, and I didn’t want to reject him. Well, this won’t be good. Do what is needed to be done first in a certain context or situation. Even if I were to g play with him, 1) I won’t have as much fun, because I was too tired and perhaps he will be too, because the game was not interesting, 2) the game will be spent mostly on picking up balls instead of hitting back and fourth because I need to rest and be rejuvinated.

I also learned that I am not as direct when I am talking to someone whom I am not yet comfortable talking to, so with someone I haven’t known for very long, I tend to speak in an indirect manner in order to not hurt their feelings. With my sister, I used to be quite direct almost to the point of judgmental and critical when I try to tell her something, but I have gotten better at talking to her that whenever I wanted to recommend her about something I will speak to her gentler, she listens and will not feel hurt or criticize by it.  It is true that thoughts lead to action, sometimes we’re not sure why we acted a certain way, but there are subconscious thought that dictates our perception and also action.

I learned this at my work place as well! That we communicates more than by words! It is simply interesting. We spoke about this in my Sunday Bible School that whatever we do, we should perform as if serving for the Lord and by doing so, would allow us to be less selfish.

What I also learned at work is to complete the task I have been assign well and with the best intention.

 

Lessons Learned About a Relationship

One thing, I learned after a break up is to be absolutely sure (in the future) that I am certain, 100%, wanted to be in a relationship with the person and that there is no”luke warm” feelings or thought such as I like him, but… or sure, why not.. sort of thought when considering dating someone.

The Lord taught me as well that the person who read and follow God’s word, has similar values that come from God, is more likely to treat the girl/guy they are dating in a manner that God directs and desires. For me, I had like to be friend with a person before I want to be in a relationship with him because friendship last longer and getting to know the person as a friend first is important.

I also learned to wait for the physical contact until wayyy later in the relationship. Instead spend time talking to the person and getting to know him/her. Of course, this should come naturally because you have an interest in the person. The conversation shouldn’t feel force, but flows naturally when talking to someone you like to know more. The conversation should feel enjoyable and the longer the relationship, the different topic of conversations should will “pop up,” allowing you to see different sides of the person, getting to know more of who they are. As long as you want to be around the person and wanted to know about him/her then that is a good indication that you like someone. Think about the subject you like to learn, you tend to do well in it, so anything you like, you tend to be good at, because you enjoy doing and doesn’t feel like a chore. If you can talk to the person and that person is your best friend, then the relationship should be stronger. The main focus for a relationship is the communication, small, big, deep talk, any sort of talk, honesty talk, the list goes on. The physical side of a relationship may not be as important as the communication in the beginning of a relationship. However, you may ask, how will I know if I have chemistry with the person? The answer to this question is that you’ll just feel it. You will sometimes feel like hugging or kissing the person, but from my experience (however this is totally up to you) waiting for this physical side of thing is better and should be determine wayyyyyy later I the relationship. And by wayyyyy later has no particular timeline, you will know when you feel ready and that your relationship feel solid and you feel like you learn so much about the person and that you’re both truly ready for the next step. Also, treat physical intimacy (that is not sex because sex is a gift from God and should be waited until marriage) with cautious because the Lord mention about purity and lust in the Bible. It will be alarming when both parties feel the void in the relationship with physical contact because the communication isn’t as strong. The physical intimacy will arrive when both want to validate that our communication is strong. If I have to set a timeline, and if I were to date someone in the future, I would spend as much time talking to the person in public, with a group of friends, etc. I wouldn’t bring him to talk at my place. I would meet him in public where it is easier to talk more and to get to know the person. There are so many locations to talk: the park, a coffee shop, literally could be anywhere. Also, do different activity together to find out more about him/her such as go on a hike, play bowling, watch movie at a movie theater, volunteer/community service etc.

I also, will not control and be pushy about the relationship, I would not expect or rush anything, but simply spend time and getting to know the person. I would absolutely not expect because if I were to expect something and my expectations weren’t met then I set myself up for disappointments. I simply will evaluate the person according who he is and I will be mindful that the beginning phrase of a relationship is the trickiest part. The beginning of a relationship is the impress-the-person phrase, what’s valuable and weights more is the later part of the relationship when the beginning phrase has passed. Caring for someone and him/her caring for you in a relationship in a later term should indicate how the person will treat you if he/she were to marry you in the future.

Another advice I learned is that the relationship itself will not be able to full-fill me in the way that only my Creator can. If both parties love God and seek Him, it is a better indication that both parties will love each other more purely because both love God.

Now that I am typing about relationship and dating, I knew that right now I don’t think I had like to date anyone anytime soon, because I had like to work and be happy (be closer to God and seek his fulfillment) and another is that being in a relationship requires maturity, selflessness, and commitment. It is work that shouldn’t feel like work when you truly enjoy the person.

The reason why I ended my first 3 months relationship is because I am simply not ready to be in a relationship. This relationship tired and worries me more than had helped me academically and mentally. I simply know that this relationship is not right for me in a sense that I am not secure about the relationship. In another word, my first relationship is not solid and requires work and attention from both parties. It is also important that a relationship I am in be a God-centered one, a relationship that will help me grow closer to the Lord, not farther away. A relationship should make you be a better person, introduce you to new things, feel fun, exciting, caring, and nurturing. A relationship should not bring you down, makes you worry about nonsense and makes you feel crazy. A healthy relationship should makes you healthier.

If I can sum up the advice I give to you and especially to myself about dating is 1. to date someone when I am absolutely, 100% want to date the person, 2. do not force a person to do anything, 3. wait for physical intimacy, 4. get to know the person as a friend first, 5. evaluate the relationship whether it makes me feel closer to God, and 6. do I like the person, wanting to know more about him, therefore, date him.