Life, Love, and Pain

The beauty of life is perhaps the unknown. It’s the not knowing.

Often time life is not planed. Unexpected. It’s something beautiful and interesting.

I rushed in it for perhaps the instant gratification. I don’t know. But is that a wrong start.

I met Chad Evans at the lab that I worked. Right away, he was attractive. Tall, clean. He was handsome. But there is something off about him. His posture. His sense of self. Something wasn’t quite right. Over time I got to know him, he helped tutored me. I started to like him. Pretty fast, but I still don’t know if it’s long term. The pace of our relationships was fast. We basically began to live together. Cook together. Do almost everything together in our apartment.

We didn’t quite go outside much. Because he doesn’t particularly liked it. I was ok in the beginning, but over time I began to want to do more things outside of our regular routine.

There were perhaps differences we starting to see in each other.

I like him. I still do. I’m still attracted to him. His smell, his face, and his hair. It’s quite superficial. But I am attracted.

Overtime I started to notice qualities, in which, he has that I am not particularly fond or a fan of.

He can get really upset, easily frustrated.

He doesn’t like to go out as much, which was also another source of frustration.

We don’t agree on something. Choice of food etc.

I like hugging, kissing, and making out with him. But beyond that I don’t know if there is more to the physical attraction.

I want someone who would protect me. I can protect myself, it’s just having someone who I knew, would, is comforting.

I want someone who I can laugh with a lot.

I want someone who love God just as much as or more than I do.

Chad is someone I don’t know the answer to quite yet. I don’t want him to be something that I hold on to. I want to see if I can enjoy doing things with.

I enjoy cooking with him. I enjoy cuddling with him. I enjoy doing indoor things with him.

I also wanted to enjoy doing outdoor things with him.

Beside our problems, I wonder what else we could talk about. I wonder what are the depth of our conversation. Is there any?

I wondered what else we could talked about. Perhaps going to places such as hiking could let us know more about each other. Can we enjoy spending time with each other or do we just wanted to leave.

How our dates go? What does it feels like.

Of course how do I feel.

What do I want?

Am I happy?

What do I see in him?

Do I like him or do I like having him or do I like the relationship or do I not wanting to be alone

He felt restricted. He said to tone it down. I can tone it down, but do we have the thing I’ve been searching for. If we don’t then, perhaps maybe I’m reaching my conclusion.

Perhaps this will the lessons I will learn a lot. Lessons of the life time. Lessons God had given to me to figure out. Lessons He knew I would benefited. Lessons in which I learn.

Lessons of weighting, balancing, being happy on my own. Lessons of communication. Lesson of liking a guy in the unknown.

It’s not my fault

It’s not my fault that I happened to date someone who is unemotionally Unavailable, with previous relationship emotional baggage. It is not my fault that that relationship has left me pain that I am healing. It probably hurt me more than what I had intended. I need this time to fully heal. To recover, gain strength, and to feel whole on my own. It is crucial that I gain and are going through this process. As much as heartbreak is somewhat a normal part of relationship, one way or another, we lost now or later, we will eventually experience lost. Nothing last forever, even some of our memory faded or disappeared. Yet, there will be some that we won’t ever seem to forget, no matter how much we want it.

This has indeed marked, so far, the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. I am not sure why it hurted so much, but it did.

I want to instead focused on the hurt and become fearful, I wanted to focus on the positive and lessons learned.

Chad, I now realized what it is like to love someone even when it hurts. I miss you. I want to let you go and time will help me. I didn’t think it was that easy for me to love, but perhaps I experienced lost that’s why I also learned to love. It hurts, I feel it. Every single drop. It has been 3 months and tears are still coming out. The emotion I seemed to let it flows. I feel. I don’t want this pain to stop me from experiencing love I may embarked in the future. You will and always will have a special place in my heart. No matter what had happened, at least I know my love for you was real. I truly wish you the best in what ever you do. I truly do. I couldn’t fully said that before, but I can now thanked and love you more. I don’t want to care, which type of love you have/had for me. But I at least know, I did love you and that’s already beyond words could describe. No matter how I have told you that I wanted to forget everything about an ex. Well, I only wanted to do that to move-on and keep-going. I know I cannot and will not want to stay stuck in the past. I don’t want to. I truly wish you the best in everything you do. Learn to be positive and be thankful and to love what you do and the opportunity you have been given. My dad told me you’re like a public transportation, you came and you go. How do I put this, it has been such an intense 3-4 months for me. Who knows such small amount of times could bombarded this much. For all the hurtful things I’ve said/texted you, I hope you would be able to forgive me. It was something I can’t take back, but what I can say is that I am imperfect and is still at the end of the day, a sinner. Chad, also sorry for accusing something about you that perhaps may not be true. Regarding, you not being able to forget your ex, etc. And also sorry for being able to understand you at times or not being as empathetic as much as I could. At the end of the day, what were the good memories are what hurts the most because I know I couldn’t get them back or have them with you. I feel more intensely than you think I did, hah. Were you surprised? Or were you already knew it was a fa├žade. It is not a luv ya, an emoji heart, or a least than 3 with a letter U, but in fact, an I love you, Chad Ryan Evans. You sucky piece of poo. You who took my heart and break it to pieces. You who didn’t return my love. You whom God may not have intended for me to be with. You who I literally thought was the cutest person in the world. You the one who is so arrogant, narcotic that its hurts and frustrating. You who is so picky that it bugs me. You you hated avocado. You who is so quiet that is hard to predict. You who is so mean to me when you’re mad. You who teach me many things. You who made me love Chick-Fill-A. You who took me to so many expensive restaurants. You who I really still think is physically handsome. You, who I wished could have been more adventurous, manly more of a gentlemen, more gentle, patience, and less frustrated. You who had everything going on for you, but still hasn’t reach your full-potential. You, whose posture could have been a lot more handsome as he looked. I’m not lying that the more I know you and getting a better look at you, I truly thought you became more and more handsome even more than my crush, Davis. I don’t really care what you had or felt with your first love, but I am thankful for having had met you, getting to you know, see how you think, and your view on life, people. To learn about your past experiences, etc. Chad, I love you and thank you for coming into my life. I love you.