I hope to keep this up

I just (not really) realized that I have what to say in my head than out loud. It’s not that I can’t say things out loud but it’s not easy to find someone who can listen to all this thought, so writing is perfect for me. My hobbies are tennis, skateboarding, and writing (more like typing). Well, I frekin just spend 15 dollars on Starbucks, oh well… I like to save up a lot, so I feel bad when I spend money. The reason being because I work so hard to get money. Well, “hard” not like doing constructing and heavy lifting, but hard meaning I have to wake up to go to work to begin with. So buying stuff outside is not an option when I earn approximately 10 dollars per hour. It’s ok. I think I’m over it now. Anyway, today so far has been a good day beside spending money. Anyhow, I just think that I will be writing my thought more now since I got my original WordPress login back after not having it for months, because I couldn’t login to the original one I created and turned out I made a new account that I obviously didn’t want because I didn’t have all my old stories! So I don’t know what happened, I think God interceded on this behalf and maybe He was like “well, she’s going a lil cray cray, having to type on Apple note app.” So here it is I got everything back and so I had to upload like 11 previous writing back to back at 3-4 am this morning. And it was cool, I gained random unintentional subscriptions because of that which you know don’t follow my account if you just wanted me to follow you back because I honestly won’t and never will. This has been fun. I don’t know but I’m assuming that most people who have a blog may, May MAY MAYY one day thought of writing a book someday, and I have had that thought sometimes, and of course today too. I wanted to write a book and like most people who may MAY, wanted to start writing a book, they don’t know what to write about and let me tell you, ME, I can write just fine when I wanted to but when I do want to, I just froze(n)d. It’s like my brain is playing a trick on me. Like my perfectionist mix attitude pops in and ruined the creativity because I’m scare of messing it up and make this boring, uninspired, unnatural story that felt forced and unoriginal and lack real world and voice that people can see and touch. Honestly, I have been listening to Thai music recently and it calmed me down a bit. It kind of this nostalgia vibe to it that brought me back to where I started. Anyhow, maybe God wanted be to be a writer, because this have been something I’ve been doing nonstops for the past year because things seemed to come up and that made me wanted to write about—mostly things or situations that distressed me. And I think that is because I am receptive of how I feel (well most of the time). Actually, I take what I said back because if I am being honest, I low key, most of the time, don’t know how I feel like I couldn’t pin point exactly how or what to feel like I can’t just identify it and I think that’s why I like typing so much because I am able to understand or hope to understand the situation or how I feel better. I do that by talking as well but it is not as effective as just typing it out well I take that back as well because it’s just depends. More often than not, it’s not that effective.

Anyhow, I thought I had write more about what is happening currently. I’m waiting umc yo started my 1 am shift. Monday is actually my dad off, but Sam sent an email asking if anyone wanted to cover more shift this 3 weeks from now they can, so here I am money collecting hunger just couldn’t denied the offer. I love making money but I am always at a battle of making money and loving what I do. Somehow I always ended up choosing what I thought I had liked more than making money itself. I have been having this thought recently (meaning today) that I maybe I wanted to go back to wait table because maybe I will earn more money and I love that it’s physically demanding. I think I am going to really enjoy my work today though because I just feel good. And I thank God for whatever people have been partying for me. God is always good. I am not but like I always say, my God is always.

It is 4 am and I had just repost 11 blogs that I didn’t get a chance to upload

So it’s like the title says, 4 am in Oct. 12, 2020. Well it’s more like 4:41 am when I begin this sentence to be accurate about the time. I’m laying on my bed typing my thought because I didn’t have to get up early in the morning. I would have been at work by now, but I don’t have my early job so I’m get to sleep in a bit and begin my afternoon job at 1 pm. It’s quite a day today. I got mad at my dad like I have been the past couple of weeks. A month to be exact. I don’t know what when wronged because when I asked him, he said nothing or said it was his fault. I know it wasn’t only his fault but I also not sure about what I done wrong. Anyhow, like what my precious post mentioned, I’m done being bitter at him and Simply going to just live my life and not be passive aggressive at him. It gets old and has no point. I’m just going to try to worry about my emotion, work, and sleep schedule. Hopefully, I will actually get up tomorrow to work at my afternoon job. For now, I’m calling it good night. P.s. the reason why I repost like 10 posts back to back is because I’m literally able to get back my original WordPress account. I’m really happy now that I get to use WordPress on any device—phone and laptop. So I’m will get to post on the day off instead of typing it on Apple Notes App. So this is good news😌

Writing keeps on riding

So my WordPress doesn’t seems like it is wanting to work for me..

Needless, I still going to write. I want to work on my inner confidence. It’s not being arrogance or egotistical but to not be shaken by people and their deeds. I know what I don’t like or how people do things sometimes. I’m like an untamed birds. And probably more so than anyone I know, I like being free. I had just finished watching Enola Holmes and just like her, I was razed my a mostly non-restricted parent—by her mom. Her mom taught her many skills she knew Enola would later find useful and to survive in life. Of course, this sure is a movie and I obviously could relate and would like to use what it can be applied to my life. However, there is also part of me that suspicious of what advice rang true and are there such thing as world advice and whether they come from. And is believing in God not being free. I don’t know but my heart knows that I did doubt Him right for 5 seconds and I would have sank for the same if not more equal amount. I wonder if I believe in Him because I don’t believe in myself. Because I needed extra cushion to help me. Honestly, Jesus makes me a better person and All Good Things truly comes from Him.m, including that movie Enola. I like to be myself and I’m still working on it. I try and will continue to work on not being a people pleaser. But to be someone who thrive for the well-being of others and to have do thing for God’s glory. Back to the bucks, I am upset with my coworkers.m for the reason being many of them get bossy, and orderly with me and also being critical. Sometimes, I feel like they just wanted to reduce my confidence. I don’t know what to think, but I heard from someone that “you can grow when you’re allow it to be.” That is quite powerful and also this “where you will be today, matters where you will be tomorrow.” I don’t like being told what to do, especially when I feel like you’re picking and choosing unnecessarily about what I do. This shift manger does bothers me. I pray that I can be still and to not be shaken.

The importance of being in the word

If I wanted to clarify the total a bit more, it would be “the necessity of reading the Bible and seeking the truth that God had in-store for everyone.” I get to witness many many times why I need to be in touch with God himself and His teachings. I failed times and times when I let myself be the center of my life instead of letting God does what he did best always. But in order for God to be God even though He is one anyway, I need to allow Him to be smoothly. He doesn’t need my approval to work my life but it’s just better with no reason to acknowledge Him and beautiful master piece for my life. God is beyond any comparison of this world. It’s beyond free money-401(k) or retirement savings. He’s unconditional with no whatsoever conflict of interest. It’s the free love with no return but I would have to have the heart to receive it too for a maximum result. I don’t like comparing God’s love, because it really is non-comparable to anything of this world. God does answer prayers that go according to His great and amazing plans. He never forsake or abandon me. I still continue to learn that times-after-times again. My journey with him have a…

If I were to tell this to anyone, they must think I am mad. What is a purpose of living? No, no, I am not thinking short. It is just that I don’t understand the world we live in. Today, I am questioning my purpose? What if I become homeless? Living in the jungle? Is my purpose to please my family? To wish them well. My dad brought me here for a better life? I guessed so. Is it? It must have been. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have made the decision?

Get education

Get a job

Work

Get marry

Have children

Live

Raise children

Pass on the genes

Live

Try to raise them well

Selfishness

Cycle

Eat

Quietness

What is our purpose?

What gives us our purpose?

Dear God, I must have forgotten my purpose of my I am on this earth.

I am cynical and skeptical. I demand questions. I watch a tv and starting to question.

If I were to tell this to my dad, he would simply laughed it off. If I tell this to my sister she would do the same and if I tell this to my mom, so would she too act the same.

That’s why I write it here. No feedback. Just me. What is the purpose of living? To be happy? I suppose.

I don’t understand.

If I were to say this thought to anyone, they must think I am crazy and is thinking short. But I am asking a question. I am not sure if I demand an answer.  I am saying what is the point when I am not happy.

Missing

It was a 3 months time together. It was not that long, at all. Other couples were together for 6 months and this couples (my roommate) already forgotten her boyfriend in 3 weeks. Wow to that. I am still sort of thinking about mine. I am not sure why. I just am. Well, it will be better eventually, meaning I wont think about it and that little things wouldn’t remind anything. Today, I went to saw the incredible 2 and a scene in the movie reminded me of the 3 months and at the end of the movie, it has the name of the 3 months. Wow, how cool. What a coincidence. Honestly, I know time will eventually help. It didn’t help when I found out I got a bad grade on my midterm. I am bummed really bummed…

Anyway, it is interesting how I am still thinking about the 3 months. It was not at all that long. But it did made me learned lessons and made me happy as well as anxious. I have problem with commitment. It feels sort of helpless and restricted, which I don’t like. I absolutely don’t like having to depend on something. More importantly being vulnerable and getting hurt. I think it partially have to do with my pride and childhood. My childhood isn’t like crazy or scary. My parents didn’t get a divorce and I was not living with a nanny. It just that I don’t like when my parents (mostly my dad) left me to go somewhere (I think he went to his friend’s house). It felt like it at the time, to be left. I am stubborn as well. I was angry and hurt. I think at that moment, I lost my trust in him. I have my walls up. I simply was not secure, so decided that I don’t need him. I worry and wanted things my way. I have my pride as well in order to protect against being hurt. Therefore, when it comes to having a relationship, it will takes me awhile to let loose. I may seem like I am having a good time, but it will takes time for me to trust anyone. It wont be easy. I am not easy. Therefore, they need to be my friend first and know my flaws. I have many. God knows. He knows my wall, my pride and my self-centeredness. I built them for my own protection. Some may asked, just reduce the wall, just let loose. Well, I am not sure exactly about the process.

There is a self-fullfilling prophecy, which is when a person become or live-up to what they believe about themselves because someone expected them to be a certain way or they believe it themselves.

Anyway, I should not dwell on the 3 months. I have high expectation. It is somewhat true that a girl look for someone to be like their dad. I think it is somewhat true in my case. My dad is considerate. He helps me and see the little things to help me. It doesn’t have to be big. He doesn’t buy me expensive stuff, but he would cook and help me carry stuff. I feel care for by my dad, so the potential person, at least must have this attribute. I have my standard and I think it is better to find that person and if not somewhat then perhaps it is better off to simply be by myself. The relationship should enhance both of our lives. Anyway, I am not sure why I am still thinking about this person. At least I know that I can like someone 🙂 I want someone who loves God.

Anyway, writing about this helps in a sense that I bringing out what I am feeling… Human feelings are honest. It is true and I shouldn’t feel like it is embarrassing or prideful enough to discuss the weaker side of things.

The Kindness of a Stranger

I had to admit that at times,  I am a skeptic. I am skeptical about certain things and sometimes not even realizing it. I don’t always believe what other say, for instance, when I am listening in class to a professor. I listened, but I certainly have my opinions and questioned whether the fact made sense and if they didn’t then I simply stood my ground.

Yesterday was a Friday. I am hoping that one of my friend would invited me to play tennis with him. Since we both sort of threw that in the air, but both did not took the initiative. Anyway, from a week of work and taking classes, I felt asleep at around 10 pm, didn’t take shower nor even brushed my teeth (which rarely happens). I went to bed and woke up again at 4 am until falling to sleep again to wake up at around 10 am. I showered, washed my hair, blow dried it, and get dressed. I walked downstairs to make breakfast and lunch. I ate and knew that I had to go buy grocery as well as buy a book for a class I am taking in the summer.

I went to Sprout Farmer Market, which is a nice grocery store that is full of stuffs I like, it has varieties. I was choosing cilantro, and other ingratiates to make salad for the upcoming week. Then I saw a sign, “5/1 dollar Sweet Corns,” I like corn on my salad, so I decided to give it a look and choose the best corn kernel. All of a sudden, a lady around early 70 years old came and complimented my shoes and asked where had I got them from. I told her “I think I got them from Sperry.” We began our conversation that way, which I am not sure if she really liked my shoes or simply wanted a conversation. I think she really like my shoes as she continued asking where she could find them. Afterwards, she began to help me picked out corns and gave me tricks on how to choose the best corn. That’s why I titled this story “The Kindness of a Stranger.” I don’t even know her name. All I know is that this lady was kind.

Another story when I encountered another an example of kindness is the fact that my friend, I am not entirely sure if we’re “friend” quite yet, but anyway, we’re not getting into such topic. Anyway, right around 9 pm today, I was getting hungry right after my nap. I went down stairs to make a tuna sandwich. As I gather the ingredients on the kitchen counter. I started chopping celeries and bell peppers into tiny pieces, all of a sudden I received a phone call, which I thought was a FaceTime call from my sister, but when I was began to answer, I saw that it was a phone call and not a FaceTime call from my family. It was quite interesting that I received a call from someone at 9 pm. I answered, realizing that it was a male voice that I was not familiar, he kept taking, suggesting that we go get an ice-cream. I was hesitant: first, I don’t eat diary except eggs, second, I am in a middle of prepping food, and third and lastly, it is late. All of the above was the reasons why I said, “….maybe later, but thanks for inviting me,” and hung up. Anyway, I might disappointed the guy, but I had to stood my ground, I had my reasons. However, I still think it was kind of him to invite me to get ice-cream with him. He also said in the phone conversation to “don’t think too much about it.” Well, I am the way I am.

Anyways, these are story of when I encountered kindness. There are also times when this friend of mine offered to help me move my stuff into the apartment or when I asked him if he could help me picked up the elliptical and a keyboard at a lady house because he has a truck and strength. I genuinely do appreciate his help, but I don’t know if the guy is being nice just to be nice (the person he is) or if he has other intentions. Regardless, of the the reasons, I still appreciate people kindness when I didn’t expected them to be.

My Daily Devotion

My Today’s Daily Devotion contains a great and thought provoking message for us/me to be our our authentic self. It gave an example of how God doesn’t look at us in the mirror and wish that he sees someone else. This is powerful. We/I ought to be pursuing God in order for us to be transform by Him because He progressively helps us be the best version of ourselves, someone who we ought to be and  perhaps are already are, just not realized it. We may hinder ourselves from being someone God knows is true and genuine. He calls us to be someone He knows we are.

Today, as I played badminton, there are things I regretted and wish I had done differently. However, I cannot dwelled on the thing regretted because that is leading to negative thought.

Next time, I would definitely be competitive and encouraging. I will be more kind and have compassion. But when it’s game time, I ought to do my best, to set my mind not on beating the other person to pieces, but to play fair and kind. Winning has different form. I can win a game and feel really good about the game or win a game, but not as good. This is where mindset comes in and in any sports, it is a mind game.

How do some players manages to win more than lost. Wow, practice, of course, because practice provide the player sense of confidence. “I have worked really hard and I ought to show what I have been doing all these time to prepare for this match.”

Relating back to the MCAT, practicing it will provide the confidence for the test.

We perform our best when we believe we can accomplish the task–when we believe in ourselves. Sometimes, having someone believing in us contributed to some, however, definitely not all. We just ought to be the one to believe, we can do it.

Well, how to gain it, practice. Seek. Not be lazy. Be kind. Be humble. and have humility.

Today was fun

So, I went to workout today and it was nice. It is good to workout once in awhile because honestly, our body needs it. Even though, I bike to classes, this type of exercise is not intended nor on an interval, which is why intentional workout should be added in routine. The sweat and the feelings while exercising and after exercising is rewarding and I feel good that I had made a decision to excercise. My main purpose for working out  is to get my body energize and my heart pumping, for my system to feel alert and alive, for it to be awake and not lethargic. I did core, sit-up, plank, and some other exercise I do not the name. I mainly workout with my body and I typically don’t use the machine. The only type of exercising machine I used today was the stair ones, which move on an interval. It works similar to an escalator, and I workout by walking up the elevator or in this case the stairs. Working on this machine targeted my calves muscles and my thighs, which I had like for this part of my body to be firm and lean. My motive for working out is to burn fat and calories, as  well as to be leaner and fit. I had like to move easily and gain the agility to stay healthy and feel good about life and my body. I ran for quite sometimes, I did not over exhausted my running because today is my first day and ideally, I had like to keep this up by coming to the gym regularly. I had like my exercise to be fun and not seem like chore or something I had to do because then I will not be likely to come back. I had like to be more punctual, which if I have to be honest, I typically don’t come to the gym regularly. I maintain my weigh by eating nondairy or non-meat, except I do eat seafoods and eggs.

I am not fat or muscular. I am fine, but if I workout more often then I am certain that my stomach would be more lean and tight, which I liked 🙂

Anyway, I also played badminton today at the badminton’s club in the gym, which was fun. I met new people and some I have already seen. One new person I met was named Bryan. I learned that his parents are from Mexico. I guessed he was perhaps Arabic or Indian Asians, however, I was incorrect. He mentioned that the badminton’s club mainly consist of Asians and there is perhaps one white person and I thought that was funny. I didn’t view it in that that way, but now that he mentioned it, it was certainly true.

Anyway, I think Bryan was trying to get to know me better by mentioning if there is any film I had like to see, which I told him honestly that I barely know what’s on air. Plus, I already have a bf. Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair for my bf or for me to proceed.

I am glad that I am reminded to blog again. Blogging certainly is good for my brain and emotion, since this allows me to reflect on thing I enjoyed about my day. For me, this blog acts as my diary. I type a story about my day, what happened and I highly think that this will lead to the appreciation of life, making a better choice and decision, as well as happiness.

It has been awhile…

Honestly, it has been awhile since I write a blog. Many thing obviously had been going on, but perhaps not as significant or trigering enough for me to capture it. Perhaps, it was just me not realizing the hobby that is beautiful and important. By expressing my thought, the process is significant and reflect many characters. Anyway, writing is certainly a way to reflect and relieve, the inner thought and the piece of mind. The beauty of our mind, how it thinks, and act. I know for sure that sometimes, I am not sure why my mind think or assume a certain way. Honestly, I have no idea why I thinks the way I thinks. Perhaps it is rooted in the childhood of how one’s experience shapes the inner thoughts, decisions and processes.

Anyway, today, something significant had happened. Well, a guy said that he thinks I am cute, which is certainly interesting. Honestly, it is certainly intriguing of why we choose to like what we like.

With S., I am not sure to which extent I like him and honestly, I don’t know if the relationship will last. I am not sure if I had find the right one, how am I suppose to know. One minutes, one second, with a blink of an eye? I have been with him for 3 months, well, long enough, however, also not long enough. I like being with him, I do, however, when he came over, I have to confess, I cannot sleep well, which reflects that I am not yet myself, somehow. I don’t know, someone had told me that you know you found the right person when you can fart around them and be your complete self. I am not sure if I can be such with him.

Sometimes, I wonder if the differences in culture, faith, and other factors contributed to my not being able to feel as connected with S. But, I do like him, but to which extent and how do I know for sure. Time? I don’t know if this will last. I am not certain, even though, I wanted to know, however, it is not in my vision, but of God’s. There are things I like about S. and there are also things I am unsure of.

He seems to like me though, however, I am not sure if his maturity and sense matches mine. Perhaps, it doesn’t have to be, I just have to like the other person a whole lot, which I am not sure, if I had ever like anyone a whole lot in the past. I know I like my sister, my mom, and dad, which is mostly normal.

Will I ever going to like someone so much that I can give them anything? Sometimes, I don’t know if I am simply selfish or what, or perhaps I just haven’t found the right person, and why am I doubting myself, my feelings?

I am not sure. Our thoughts are complicated, certainly mine.

One thing for sure is, who will I…. that’s certainly too early to think, perhaps because I am on my period and my hormones are disintegrated, which should all be blamed towards.

Anyway, I cooked today and it was fun. It is relaxing and certainly made me proud.

One thing for sure is that I must look and find my satisfaction in the Word of God and not of man. Since, I have a bf, sometimes, it led me astray in term of where I find my satisfaction. I do not want that to happened because man cannot full-filled me, but only my God cans. He is my fountain. It is important that I seek God above all things, because through Him, all things and everything will be provide.

Okay, so Pradip came into my thought. Now this person named Pradip, certainly interested me. He is an interning guy, especially the way he thinks, interprets, and concludes. I have never met anyone who thinks and analyzes somethings like Pradip. Now this guy is so nice that he sent scholarship information to me. How cool is Pradip. I appreciate him and he is on my mind. Now, this makes me think that I would choose to date or marry someone not because of look or fortune, but of who they are and the quality they possess.

S. is patience with me and simply allow me to do things, he does not criticized me.

This made me question of what do I look for in a guy, this experience taught me something I wouldn’t have known otherwise. It is hard to pinpoint what I look for in a guy, however, I know that I must thrust in the Lord more because if I were to relied on my own thing, I would gone astray close to insanity, but if I were to relied on the Word of God then it is excellency.

I think the reason why I have to see S. to be fulfilled is because he doesn’t satisfy me all throughout, which I am not sure why, but certainly makes sense biblically. However, whenever I am with my parents, I am very much so happy, content, and comfortable.

I am getting very sleepy. I haven’t wash my dishes or shower, and I have to wake up to do my work tomorrow. Goodnight, it has been great to be reminded to write a blog.