All-or-Nothing

It seems like I started training for a company as a host starting July 20th and a week after that on Saturday, I started training for another company as well. I dint not expected to have conflicts. I obviously did not foresee events that deviated from my expectation. Obviously, I underestimate my second job. I work early in the morning, which are earlier than most people. Anyhow, I can honestly say that I really want to work at a certain station at my second job. I also learned that I need a very defined work task as I am more inflexible than not having to do things in a whims. And a lot of this discontentment also contributed to being new for the job as well. If I was not as new, I would know everything that I needed to know and not overthinking as much about what I should or should not do. I am a hard worker, but I do want to feel like I am doing a good job and that I was at least being appreciated. I want a job that I don’t hate. I want to be able to be myself, get along with coworkers, and BOSSES. Also, a job that makes me grow. Well, more importantly, a job that I feels they put my skills that I have to good used but at the same time develop what could be improved. So far I cannot honestly say that I am having fun at either of my jobs (with being so new). They are jobs that I haven’t quite been excited about. Maybe I have problems. May be it is me being complicated and choosey on what I have to do. Anyhow, I drafted this blog when I had started working probably about 3 weeks in. Today is Aug. 30 on a Sunday. And before last week starting Monday. I had worked my courage up to discuss how I feel with my early morning job with the manager. After “the talk” things really improved and I gave all the lord to God for helping me along the way—guiding me and for never left me. He is always there. Always. Anyhow, Tuesday afternoon was when I decided to talk to my manager about how I feel everything. Since then, I’m repeating myself, but I felt like how I feel really got better. Anyhow, I hope to be a better worker. And to be honest, partly was because I was new (I still am) but I was definitely not as new as 4 weeks ago, so that was something to be rejoicing about. I was new and inexperienced with working in a fast paced, high efficiency environment. Also as working different bosses and having a head boss that I couldn’t be myself around. A boss I felt was nitpicking me and doesn’t know their tone of voice when speaking. But I confronted her and things got better. My next goal at this job is work on bar. And also trying focus and be efficient. Anyhow, I’m learning a lot. And just like “most” things, they will get better with times because things will get better if they are in the things we hope to be better and working towards that goal. I learn wha thins of a leader I want to be. I learn to improve (hopefully) my tone of voice. I learn to work hard. I learn to speak to customers. I learn more about myself not being at home and sleeping or eating or watching YouTube. And with that being say, I’m grateful, very grateful for the opportunity to grow and experience this season of life. And I tend to use the word “very” very carefully. I don’t just say “very” with just anything. It really has to really be it to be “very” something. I learn that I’m not always going to get along with everyone. But I still need to COMMUNICATE with them. I learn that I dislike people telling me what to do or not noticing that I am doing my best. I also realized that when they give me feedback, it has to come from a place of sensitivity and without frustrations. Because I can quickly feel like you’re criticizing and belittling me or nitpicking only by how they use their choice of words or the tone of voice. These that I mentioned could, and I say could, make me feel a certain way. I also learn to not take things personally, which I usually don’t if I’m being honest until it acutely get personal then I will become very unhappy. I can only hold so much until I will begin to feel frustration, and just boil water—passive aggressiveness. And I should not let myself get there, because i honestly make me uncomfortable and heavy. Not good feelings. I like to be logical but I do have emotions. I want my logic to rule most of me, because I know I need to use it when I know I usually will have emotions. I try to be logical but sometimes it backfire on me as well. I try to be emotional but in a good state and logical on a good state as well. So yea, I’m learning to balance both. And simply be pick and choose when I use the logical vs the emotional card. I need to use both to be effective and to be true to myself. Love myself, don’t neglect myself, how I feel and respect myself more. I also need to not let anyone push my around like they can do or say whatever they want to say to me so our considering what comes out of their mouths or attitudes. I’m learning to respect myself more because if not I learn that people with power over cross my boundary and quickly hurt me feelings. So I need to set myself and my tone for them to know exactly where they can and cannot crosses. I sometimes think I’m too agreeable to a fault. I need to speak up for myself when necessary without being rude or hurtful. I also learn to let other knows they they shouldn’t and shouldn’t be taking advantage of me or my kindness. I also learn to listen better (hopefully). I’m tired now, so goodnight.

What do I want?

What do I want exactly?

What do I want from him. Nothing. I want nothing from him. I am ok with having absolute nothing. It seems pessimistic, but nothing. I want and care for nothing. It’s ok the way it is. It is. It is ok. A O-K. 👌

There is more to life than one aspect that isn’t fulfill because there are more aspects to be fulfilled. You should thrive to make yourself happy. Care for yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself more. Be good to you.

Sitting and brooding will not makes things better

The truth is sitting and brooding over negative emotions done more harm and good. The easiest, most obvious cure, is to get up and do something!

Life’s worth more living. It is. Think about the positives. There is so much to look forward to.

When you go forward, you keep going. Just keep going. Just keep on pushing. Everything will be ok. It will be better. Have hope and keep your head held high. Smile at others and more importantly smile inside to yourself.